Midnight.

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Thereabouts, in any case.  A wakening.  No, not the witching hour, mind you, that is later.  That notion is unsound, anyway.  It was only set to that time to hide nefarious belief systems, it never was a truth in fact or belief.  Then again, there are no truths among those who seek to be unGodly.  God IS truth.

Discussing God recently, someone believed that God is an egotist, demanding sacrifice and worship.  Most, of course, do misunderstand God.  Beyond God being a noun, a being, He is also verb, both passive and active.  Truth, for example, or the real fact of science, is a facet of God.  What God demands is that we choose what is true, what actually is, and not believe as we wish.  As to observance, He asks nothing that He Himself does not attend.  He decided, from all that is and could be, long ago, what of it is God.  So it is.

You cannot tell people who have decided, for whatever reason, that God is wrong... pretty much anything.  They choose what they will, usually so they can do, or support, what they want.  If you want to believe in homosexuality, while ignoring that it bears no fruit, then you have chosen to believe in a lie.  One among many.  Hating God is a potent illness, one there is little chance of curing.  Such medicine requires two participants, and is not easy even then.  I have helped to cure this, of a lessor sort.  Well... lessor?  Different.  Perhaps worse in ways.  Hating God means there is belief.  Relegating God to nothingness is worse, perhaps.  And yet, that is where I started, not even half my life ago.  Half a life is relative, but it adds perspective.

I heard something, in the twilight where I lived, through the dark, but sure, and true.  When I realized what it was, I pushed it away.  As the wind to a mountain.  Did it come to me, or was it always there?  Difficult to know in the dark.  When that failed, I hid, digging deeper into the notion of being my own king, in the truth of the illusion of darkness, and some other things.  Fortunately, I had limits.  Some lines I would not cross to ignore (escape) Truth.  Eventually I ran out of room to run, places to hide.  So I challenged the voice.  I wrestled, to me at the time, for the very freedom of my soul.  I was free, why would I choose chains?  The voice was more potent, more sure, and actually offered truth and freedom.  I still... struggle with that, but not because I believe otherwise.  I merely wish, at times, to believe otherwise.

God, if "she" exists, I was told, is a woman.  Ah, but I have been there too.  It is merely an affliction of men who do not wish for the responsibility of being men.  And women who cannot find a lord.  After reading the bible, NT, OT, and listening and hearing the voice, I came to understand.  Well, and remembering being over there, the second time, into death... a minor seeming detail that has become a massive understanding.  When you remember a place where no lies can exist, you realize that when you believe something that isn't true... it isn't belief, it is willful disregard of the truth.  Men were born to rule.  Rule women, rule animals, rule the world.  Running away, or trying to pass it off, only leaves us feeling free to do as we please with these things, without consequence.  It is a lie.  The only reason, for a man, to believe God is a woman, is to be free to be a cad, and worse.

It would be easy to say that men fail at what we are called to do.  And, that is true.  And we will fail until the rightful King takes his place, and teaches all things, then makes us true kings.  Even then, it will not be as it is today.  Sin will no longer be known.  Some of what passes for sin, and is truly sin, now, will pass away.  Nakedness, for example, will no more be a sin than clothing, a cover for sin, is now.  As children we are to approach Him, and as children we will be.  But now, and then, and before, are not, and never will be, the same.  They aren't even similar.  Regardless of failure, turning our backs on our duty will not spare, but spoil faster, an already dying world.  And so it goes.  But our duty is clear, as the male sons of God.  Choosing to not accept our birthright is far more of a sin than taking it and misusing it.  Further, just because a man is called to be a lord, this does not give him the right to misuse.  This, too, will be judged.  Men and women will not be judged the same way, or even for the same things.  A man will be judged for attempting to create the lie of equality, a woman will be judged for failing to be obedient.  If this whole line of argument is just a stop-gap for those who wish not to be culpable for their guilt, or even a party to it.  Even if they deny, men most certainly do rule.  Just remember, the best of rulers rule lightly, and rarely, merely creating the station through which all their trains run is often enough.  Let them figure out the details, only make sure the way exists.

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I have waken more fully.  I did some of the dishes yesterday.  A small thing, but... a change, of sorts.  Something from nothing, and nothingness.  I have reset the remainder of dishes to a fresh hot soak, since waking.  I made fish yesterday, and rice, with broccoli.  I thawed meat for today and tomorrow, at least.  Such small little things.  As scraping diamonds from the bulk and crust of the earth, it is little things sought, and found.  Precious, however, if marketed properly in any case.  It is hoped that today will see more digging.  A little bit is beyond mathematics to compare with nothing.  And so it goes.

I would love to get into town again, soon.  I do need cream, and would like to try various other pillows.

I may not be, or do, much.  But for a thing that should be dead, and worse... probably damned, I do alright.  I'm still not sure why I was called back, or reserved from death and damnation, so often and so harshly at times.  I have learned to have faith and do what it is I do, as well, and often, as I may.  It is good to not have worry, true worry.  I know what is over there, I know the options, and I will not surrender to anything less than heaven for anything of flesh.  I won't risk my soul, but I will gladly risk my life, for what is right.  My priorities, finally, are as straight as they can be.  Perhaps I can teach, help.  Perhaps I am merely here to perish in some horrible way, as a lesson that separates men of flesh from men of Spirit.  I leave these things in Father's hands.  Amen.