.
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It wasn't just the work load. Actually, I don't believe that was even a part of it. Well, not the part that took me two notches below where I thought I would be... or more. I saw that I had done much and planned to back off a bit. But that wasn't enough. The real problem came in that, for a number of days, I had missed my medicine. It's odd, but if medicine looks to be going off line, for whatever reason, one side of my mind plans for that, then whatever happens, creates that scenario. My subconscious mind is quite potent. It can and does create minor forms of reality. If I gear it to make it so, it will override my body, my mind, and whatever it must. How do you think I ended up here, or at Burning Man, or... so many other things, right over a mostly dead body? Doesn't always work, but it is a real force.
Then again, not all the medicine was in. A part of not taking medicine was a fear that taking parts of it would create a different set of problems, perhaps much worse problems. On some things, I am greatly fearful. I don't mind pains I am used to, I don't like the potential for new excruciating forms of pain and will avoid if I can. Just the grain of doubt, mixed in with the subconscious expectation and readiness which set things up, led to missing medicines for a while. It just did. I was half aware, and I do mean half, that this was happening, but didn't have a good way of... manipulating the situation. Some parts of myself are complicated for my conscious mind to alter. Think of learning to use robotic arms. Even when you get good at it, and in some areas if not this one, I am... it still feels unnatural. As such I ended up off medicine.
Disturbances of mind, body, spirit, expectations, and such, in my shadow form of life, have very odd consequences. So it was. I did go back on medication yesterday, but the fallout is a minor dip. I don't know how long it will last. I will do what I can. I think I can dig out. But this drop of medication hurts. Not too terribly, but in a way other drops haven't hurt. I will pick up on my last list of chores, finishing the laundry, arranging boxes, sweeping and maybe mopping the kitchen and bathroom, perhaps mopping those areas, and more cleanup in the kitchen. Oh... after looking high and low for a microwave stand that would handle my larger microwave, the food processor, and the waffle iron, with a drawer and extra space being available, I saw what I needed and pulled the trigger. I have hated having the microwave take so much space. And I wanted the big and little food processor, and waffle iron, to be off the counters but don't really have another convenient space. So... Look. You have to do what you have to do. Spending money just has to happen.
Oh, right. My friend wanted to go shooting yesterday. There was no way I could get out when he called. Today, however, I told him I would do so. Not sure I will shoot. If .22 ammunition was in stock, I would. But I'm not feeling up to a lot of shooting. Too tired for that. Oh, I could shoot. But shooting actually does wear you out. It's sort of amazing how it can do that. Still, I promised. So, if I want to get things done, I should probably do them this morning. I'll start with laundry, just a little folding and putting up... then hit the boxes which opens up for sweeping, and mopping potentially. Uhrm, after I wake up.
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Strange dream last night. I was visiting a friendly family, roughly based on one I do know. As it turns out, they were headed to a fireworks display, celebration of some sort. I wasn't going to go. One of their sons was messing around at their home, which I was visiting. I was in their garage for something or other, doing some electrical work I think. As they were leaving, a troubled old friend showed up. She must have been a doll when younger, and for her age wasn't bad looking. However, her drinking habits had gone over the edge. The family left, but she stayed to sleep it off in her car, which she parked in the garage in which I was working.
I spoke with her a bit, as I was working, or when taking a brief break. She seemed pleasant, but there was something dark about her. I knew she was going to end up getting one of my pet family's members killed. It wasn't going to be a direct murder, mind you. Just, this leading to that leading to death. I saw it absolutely clearly, and knew it was true. I kept working, not knowing what to do. As I finished, she was passed out in her vehicle. The son who had been in the home had headed to the event, so it was just her and me. I arranged for an electrical failure, ensuring it would light a blaze, then left. She died in the resultant fire.
I was picked up, later, for questioning. I admitted nothing, only that, yes, I indeed had met the woman. That yes, I was there shortly before the fire, working in the garage. As the questions became a bit much, I told them I would say no more without a lawyer, so either arrest me or let me go. I was placed under arrest. I did speak with a lawyer, but gave him no clues as to the truth, only suggesting that heart problems would make some things difficult, but that the process might kill me. I don't know how it ended up. I won't say what I did was good, or right, or if the reason was as true as I thought. I just don't know. Oddball dream, to be sure.
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Well... on to waking up, and then to what of my list I can get done before a shower then heading out. Later.
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