Sometimes...

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It is knowing that in sleep will be the suffering.  Can't stop it, can't avoid it.  Can stall, for a heavier price.  Can know it.  Just gotta deal with it.


It is just life.  Nothing hurts, body, mind, soul.  More so when I can't function, however, and more now than ever.  Time was always slow for me.  Now it is almost at a standstill.  Way too much.  Moments are hours, days are months, and more.  Aware even in much of my sleep.

It is just how it has to be.  Alive, awake... excruciating.  I could teach you much of pain, all sorts of it.  Often, when one part of the mind, body, or spirit is not suffering, something else is.  Not even always for any good reason.  At least I was built for it.  Humbling, even a blessing of sorts.

I believe I am... changing.  Becoming.  There is a price.  It isn't a choice.  If you step on that path, soon or late, you will be required to pay the toll.  The grander the path, the higher the cost.  Life for some.  That isn't mine to surrender, not mine.  Well, I can use it up.  It will simply be given back, plus the price of repairs... as is the case now perhaps.  I simply cannot choose otherwise.  I know where it is going, and why.  Not so much for the vid story, or the feel of the music, more personal.  I simply have to step up to step out, and I don't see a choice.  So... I pay.  Whatever the cost.  Hmm... nine lives?  I wouldn't say that exactly.

Yeah.  Still...