Dead or dying.

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Brutal.  Not near the worst I have unconsciously faced, probably nearing, in some ways, what I have ever faced while wide awake.  It isn't so much the pain, that is still mitigated.  It is the confinement to suffering in general.  It is almost claustrophobic inside this sense of things, with no conscious way out.  I do my best with medicine.  And, really, all that is given, I do fairly well.  Every morning, almost every insulin, and at least half of my night pills.  I am not sure if I slipped yesterday or not?  Actually, I think I missed last evening (of pills, got the insulin).  In my current condition, missing one day of the water pill and I puff for a day or three.  So, yes, must have gotten that yesterday.

Why so rough I can't say.  I actually bought the computer components to keep me grounded, if you must know, and by the way.  With that, and the rest, on hand, there was always a chance I might flee.  I decided to take some time, the computer sort of clipped my wings.  Plus, it gave me something to do.  The power supply has been put on backorder.  If it isn't sent when they say next, I'll have to find another before my warranty on the rest falls off.  But it is giving me a little extra time to get a spot cleared for working on it.  Time I need.

For whatever reason, this morning, I feel like I did a swan dive off the third floor right into concrete.  Head and neck, pained and out of sorts.  As soon as the coffee is done I will have a slice of that with anacin on the side.  Docs told me to use tylenol, but it doesn't work.  It doesn't even seem to work against joint swelling when I have pushed something.  I'm starting to not believe very much of what doctors say, simply from experience.  Either I am way different, or everyone is while researches try to pin us all together... don't know for sure, just don't trust at all.  As with mom's cooking... if I can stomach it, and it works, I'll do it.  If two bites tell me no, then no it is.

A shower, right off this morning.  I cleaned my hair brushes while I was at it.  They need it from time to time.  Just brush your soapy hair, and then for me since I sometimes condition and today was the day for that, I ran them through my conditioned hair, then rinsed them out well.  Of course, after having removed as much hair from the bristles before anything else.  I needed, and wanted, a shower.  I hoped to do it yesterday but didn't get around to it.

Strange dreams of late.  Telling me to look, to see, maybe even to do.  I just can't seem to focus or remember or...  Later.

Oh, just a bit of mood music.