A fine start.

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So many things had backlogged.  Not just travel and seeing my friend.  The computer construction came to a dead stop, the geese (while still nicely frozen) are just... well... sitting there, and other things simply haven't been attended.  It has been very off this summer through now, though it was getting better a few weeks back.  Then another drop.  Fall shifting toward winter, too much on my plate, too big of bites on my part, it all just added up to another dip.  Even so, these dips are complete losses.  Just... dips, not drops.  I don't have to actually get up from these, merely figure out how to get going again.  Big difference.  Just as frustrating, though a lot less painful to recover.

In recovery, or while attempting it, the want of tobacco hits the hardest.  Nicotine is the only known drug that can give a high or a low and that be based on the will of the user.  Yes, boys and girls, it is a very unique drug.  It is mild enough that it really shouldn't be as addictive as it is.  It is that little part about choice that makes it so darned difficult to quit.  Imagine if when drinking coffee you could use it, by choice, as easily to help wake you as to put you to sleep at night?  In spite of that, there is no real temptation.  Just a blind want that sneaks up on me once to three times a month.  It usually leads to a bit more physical hunger.  Until I realize what it is, it is nearly inconsolable.  But, yeah, no.  That should get easier through time.

After the shower and dry time, I did make it to town.  Nothing fancy.  I had thought to attempt shopping.  I just didn't have that in me.  A bite to eat, then back home, nothing more.  As little as that was, it was fine.  Just to be clean, groomed, and fed... life, a good life, can easily be that simple when you are sometimes forced to live without one or all of those things.  I am hoping to make it to the post office, and then on to some shopping, in the morning proper.  I forgot to take anacin, sort of.  I was almost hoping the pain would cease on it's own.  Not so much.  So, after returning, and more to deal with it as an annoyance, I took a small handful of the things.  It's not like I do that more than a few times a month, often ignoring pain and sometimes serious pain.

I dreamed last night.  I was living in a world in which men and women no longer married, ever.  But it was as if I didn't get the memo.  Everyone laughed at my notions, sort of, behind my back.  Though there was some sympathy, and even joy, that someone could be so simple or naive still.  It wasn't totally cruel.  As in real life, I purchased a home, and tried to get it arranged.  As in real life, I had a heck of a time keeping it sorted.  While buying a home, in real or dream life, wasn't so much about making an offering to a prospective woman to make her a wife as it was about beginning to live the life of the husband type.  The home, itself, is a commitment.  Being a married man is being a slave, to a degree.  A servant, certainly.  And not just in flesh or of coin, but of will and ways.  It means surrendering the wanderlust, some curiosity in "out there", and other such things.

And darned if a good woman isn't worth the cost.  If you can find one.  Also, in the dream, as in life and sometimes on this blog, I have expressed just how much you may have to do, as a man, to keep her.  Animal husbandry and people husbandry... it's not all pheromones and sweet-spots.  As much as anything, it is making sure that all the right actors are in the right places when everything important is supposed to happen.  It is making it so.  It isn't always pretty, or nice.  And yet, it really is, if only when done rightly, what makes the world go around.  As failingly as that happens, it is as good as it gets, when done right.  When done wrong hell on earth can be seen from it, is produced by it.

I am sure, in life and from the dream, that I know the right way.  I won't say I'll hit that out of the park every time, only that I know what I am supposed to do.  And, finally, I am quite willing to do my best at... nailing it.  I am fully on board, if I am not perfect yet.  Working on it though.  Now to find a woman who wants to work on it as individuals, together, then as a family.  Golden.

Well... a bit of reading and goofing, then maybe a bit of this and that in the real morning.  But I won't be able to go anywhere, or do daytime things at a distance, for a while.  I have decades.  And with a good woman more and better.  I can manage a woman and more, with a little help from my friends, and a house too.  If she does her part.  You know, with forty years in me?  I might leave her ready for a rest at my passing.  You know I want to go out with a smile.  And I've never known a woman who hasn't wanted to love me just to death.  Daydreaming, perhaps.

Later.