Out of control.

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I simply can't get to bed early, or push waking early.  Being awake eighteen to twenty hours at a time, while sleeping from eight to twelve hours, there is too much both ways.  No way to stuff those sums into a twenty four hour day.  It is becoming physically painful, pulling my body apart.  Well, it feels like it.  Probably good for me somehow.

I keep getting crank "pain relief clinic" calls.  At best, legal pushers, at worst an outright scam.  Actually, I got that reversed.  Better to lose some money than to be turned into an addict.  I've quit heavy drinking... at least of alcohol... actually all alcohol drinking, as well as quit tobacco.  Some suggest tea has caffeine, but at the volumes I consume there is no effect.  Further, my heart improved while drinking gallons and gallons of the stuff a day, if countered by pills that dump the stuff to a balance.  Oh, but about the pain?  I think I need it.  It keeps me at it, for now.  I do hope to get beyond the need of pain as a life check, but will use it as needed as long as needed.  Though too, pain is humbling.  It is good for the soul, if you choose to see beyond it while in it.

The sun still hasn't been out.  It rained most of the part of the night I slept.  It rains, off and on, even yet.  Overcast, dark, damp, and that special chill only humidity can create.  No complaint.  This sort of weather has a special place in the darker nethers of the blackest parts of the dark part of my heart.  This is when few can... slip hordes, like an arrow designed to slip the tornado or hurricane to it's eye... or heart.  People don't even like looking out.  Soldiers placed out in it don't like to see.  I have said we can't make illusions, we can only help people see or not see what they would rather experience.  Sometimes the world doesn't need a hero.  Sometimes what it needs is a monster.  Thousands?  It never took that many, but had it been necessary?  Aye, and more.

Of course, for now, it merely causes increased drowsiness.  If not a terrible thing, not of much advantage either.  Perhaps what works on men also works on hunting prey?  Although, it really isn't just the weather.  It is the longer sun and warming.  Spring is the season of chaos, birth and rebirth.  It has always been a complicated season.  At least for me.

A whisper... "Doom, you talk too much...".  Me,  "Shut up already"!

Today?  One thing for sure.  I'll... see.  Later.