A terrible grace.

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For much of my adult life, I have been trying to understand what all went wrong.  How it went wrong.  Perhaps looking for bad actors, among men, women, disease, and of course at myself.  Cheated of most of my life.  With so many things to do, ways to shine, opportunities available.  I could have been a potent force here.  I could have been successful, was for a bit, was impressing the right people.

A woman, a bike, a car, a life.  A career with potential for more.  Ducks were lining up and being taken down, in a nearly miraculous way.  Then, one day, it ended.  To this day, on any given day, I can do no better than to get out of bed.  Today and yesterday, while I could get out of bed, I could do almost nothing beyond that.  Unless a nap counts?  Food shouldn't even count, as that is a requirement for life itself.

After many years, I realized what I received, as humbling as it was, was a chance at more.  I'm not sure I would have found a better way, a once and future way.  Even as was, it took great time and much care.  Even yet?  It isn't guaranteed.  Every day is a test, often a failed one, one way or another.  If you lose everything have no fret.  Start where you are, but look on to better places and ways.

Graced by disaster.  I honestly will take this, and gladly.  I might only be able to move a few pipes, or stay awake weakly, or only stand on my own two feet occasionally, but my eye is on the prize.  I know what the prize is.  Oh, it... isn't heaven.  Heaven may be wonderful.  It is pleasing God.  Heaven may be a reward.  Maybe.  Whatever, wherever you find yourself, please God.  That will be the reward, in itself.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Slogging through a crumbled life, fighting for simple breath often enough, never able to be fully awake, always at risk from those who would harm... it's... not easy.  But I do realize, this is the better.  It just isn't worldly.  And, while worldly may not be best, it sure seems like it.  To have two or three houses, an half dozen cars, tools out the ears, a wife, lover, and girlfriend?  Yea.  It would have happened.  It did, to the level possible... more so than you might think.

Something... called, though.  Something I had been seeking.  Something better.  I wouldn't have been able to hear or follow if I had been... well.  So very strange how that works.  Blessed.  Gratefully.