Two hours.

.

.

Give or take.  Awake.  So tired though.  It seems dark.  I looked outdoors, it isn't dark.  It was just at 68, outside.  So, not cold either.  So very strange.

I am hungry, but... not.  I've only had water, and medicine, this morning.  In some ways, I would like to eat.  In other ways, not so much.  Cooking, itself, just seems a bit much.  Though, too, digesting food sounds like more work than it is worth, in some part of my mind.  And, yet, my belly asks for something.  I'll have a fatted coffee and some meat sticks, shortly?  Something like that.

I may game a bit, in an effort to stay awake a while longer.  Hopefully the coffee and sticks will help as well.  Either allow me to game, or... figure out something else to do.  

Life can sure be tough.  And, yet, I have finally come to a point where I see past that.  I even have come to believe in life enough to embrace the suffering.  As mentioned, I remember being beyond the pains of this life.  Hunger, thirst, being tired (in any of the various ways) just didn't exist.  No stubbed toes, pulled muscles, aching heart, or other things would occur again, where I was.  And, for some years after that, I really wanted to go back.

Now?  Sure, when I go, that will be fine.  But I do believe simple suffering is a grace.  It offers opportunity to grow.  When you stub your toe, you can either choose anger, to a degree, or choose to figure out what caused the pain and how to avoid it.  Changing, possibly, your life and how you live and choose to live, right here in the flesh.  Other pains, aches, and such, provide other opportunities.

Even the suffering I can do nothing about?  That allows me to choose how to deal with suffering, pain, aches.  I can't bring back the dead, I can't undo the pains from too little blood flood, or too high of a pulse, or too little oxygen in the blood, so the pains those create.  But I can choose not to let that become my primary object in life.

I do wish, as today, that I could escape the exhaustion, and just get to work.  Or get past pain, to do work.  That just isn't up to me.  Nothing I do can change that.  I suppose there are more potent painkillers, but they come with their own problems.  I'd... prefer my problems as they are.  These I understand.  No more control, but less loss of control?  Instead of just being subject to pain, I would be subject to pain and addiction?  Right.  So it goes.  I have chosen.  And, relinquished any claim to ease, or else such.  But, finally, I do it gladly.

I realize the prize for suffering is life.  Which is why Christ will know it like no other can.  In this way, I attempt to follow in His footsteps.  Not... as a sacrificial, I'm not even worthy, assuming I could.  More as one who has been shown the way, and follows as able.

So tired.  Later, or goodnight.