Okay?

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It's a bit difficult.  I did wake around 14:30, and change.  But I have been having a lot of difficulty actually waking, so as to work.  My heart is sore, tired.  Painpills don't seem to be helping anymore.  I can't even game.  I just don't have the energy or focus.  It is very difficult.  Although I am waking up, every day, on something like a near normal cycle.  That IS something.

Often, when in this kind of shape, I can't stay awake for long.  Sleeping in several cycles a day, or simply sleeping days at a time, only waking a few hours at a time, is... what I would expect in my current condition.  The difference between then and now?  I am not taking medicine.  Medicine can help, but it can hurt too.

I think, when I used to get that way, I would end up going off medicine.  Which... is what was needed.  Then I'd have to beat myself up, try to get back on medicine, and when I finally did it, spend a month or three getting back into shape.

To be honest, I think medicine would keep me alive longer.  Just... not in a better life.  The ups and downs caused by medicine made life much worse.  As is, while I do have ups and downs, they are fare less variable.  The ups aren't for as long, nor as good.  But the downs are definitely not as deep or bad (until I die, but that would happen either way).

Still, not sure how long this down will last.  It has been in full play, pretty much keeping me pinned, for the last two weeks.  And, while that feels like a long time, the truth is, when I would go down on meds, I wouldn't even notice two weeks.  I would be down for months.  And down further.  It would hurt more, too?  I think so, if in different ways.  The heart didn't hurt, but organs, bones, muscles, and such, did.  Strange.

Yea.  I am going to attempt to dig out of things.  We will see.  Push, shove, grovel, go prostrate in prayer, work my way to things again.  We will see.  I will do what I can.

I did hear back, from the KoC, about changing the meeting date.  It didn't sound promising, but at least I was heard and the query will go forward.  One can hope.  Though, no guarantee I will be accepted into the other group yet either.  But... I will find out soon enough.  

All I can do is try.  I will fail often.  That... is what it is.  The next time, I will try again.  I won't quit trying.  When I die, then I will be finished with these efforts, and will most likely move on to other efforts.  I... don't worry.  I do what I may.  I leave some aspects in God's hands, some things in my hands, and what was as something to be forgiven or accepted.

I'll get a shower shortly.  Then make plans to do some work in the kitchen and sweeping and mopping in the bathroom and hallway.  Oh, and dishes.  I'd like to punch through at least two dishpans of those, and set up another set.  If I could catch up, and begin mostly cooking out on the griddle, life could be much easier.  And, then, I could get on to doing more in and out of the house.