Able to wake, if just for a few things.

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Mostly just to put Jasmine out on her lead, and feed her.  I think I fed and watered Sassy too.  Oh, and while at it, I took morning medicine with leftover coffee, fatted, from very early this morning.

I garbled morning platitudes, if honestly.  Things like " good morning", "did you sleep well", and perhaps seeing if she needed anything.  It was obvious I would be crashing soon.  I tried to get right up.  Jasmine is housetrained.  I'd like to keep it that way.

As long as mom lets me go on back to bed, as needed, I'll try to work with her.  Really.  Even if I just wake a few hours a day, for short spells... afew times, at least that is something.  She says she doesn't understand.  I just tell her to join the club.  I have never understood, even with the excessively bad news from medical.  I still think I should be able to magically... get going anyway.

The kidneys at 15%, the liver at 30%, the heart somewhere between 15% and 45% on any given day, week, month.  And that way or worse for decades?  It is what it is.  Fair?  Life isn't fair.  Some healthy person would revive, I wouldn't, if life were fair in a humanistic ideal.  I would offer it, freely, for right ones.  I've tried to end it in the most brutal of ways, on my own.  Not up to me.

Ugh.  So, now, I live until I don't.  Trying to outlive mother, as a gift to her.  Will see.  Wonder, though, if that would be better... easier... elsewhere.  Trapped, here, for now.  Later