Some things managed.

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Two cookbooks have been put in my sights. The first, Household Discoveries & Mrs. Curtis’s Cook Book, is out of print. After a bit of looking I did find it, and ordered it. Simply put, I cannot afford to hope it will be available at some other time. The other, The Joy of Cooking: 75th Anniversary Edition, re-edited (many times) from it's original publishing (self published!) in 1931, is in my "cart" (heh!) at Amazon. I will try to keep that book list fresh and buy those next month. I could have bought it this month but I believe a cash reserve is more important. Well, one of them is on the way, probably the more essential one as this was before modern cooking methods, even electricity. As well, it is half cook book, have domestic principle book (to include cooking methods, home care, and even soap making). I suspect it is not a book for the squeamish.

Looking over my water softener pellets, I realize there is no special use for that. It is, however, a purified salt. Hmm, how useful is salt? Doh! From drying, or other methods of storing meats, to table use, to... well. Salt is a good thing. While this may be an imperfect salt, in hard times one uses what one has. Let me see, 17 bags at 40 pounds each... 680 pounds of... well... salt. Yeah, that could come in handy. And at $4 to $6 a bag, it is basement bargain salt. Yeah, okay. Soft water to preserved meats, and beyond. I guess that is not so bad a deal. I had thought, sadly, that perhaps water softening expenses were purely a loss.

The more one learns, the further one goes. This rabbit hole is either a path to insanity, which at some points it seems destined to be, or it is (and most likely) simply the path of life, real life. The cost, of course, of this life, is heavy in modern terms. But modern terms, I think even modernists agree, are true insanity. A beamer... really? That is a goal? Sex with women who if you knew their history you would not touch, regardless of how perfect you have been taught to think they look? Really, seriously? Drugs, vacuous beliefs, and a disdain for any kind of reason or objective truth in life? That is merely suicide on a slower pace. So, yes, this is the way. The insanity one finds on this path is not because of the path but because of our own misunderstandings and the incorrect notions we have been indoctrinated with so that we help modernism by becoming a vacuous cog.

Modernism, when it was young and to a degree even now, provides wonders. All wonders, however, are double edged swords. For example, the medical field. It seems when advances there allow people to live longer, they turn their collective backs on reproduction of their own kind. Many women I see today are 30 to 50 and just figuring out... they probably never will have a husband, let alone children. They, what, forgot? Wow. And yet things like chlorine, DDT, gasoline, motors and engines, microscopes and glasses, have revolutionized our life, our ability to survive, and our ability to understand and view things never before known. It seems, however, that our technological house of babel is about to be felled by the successes it has made. How... interesting. Still, as I enter the rabbit hole and begin setting up a warren of sorts, I cannot but stop and give some thanks to having been some part of that in order that I might be ready for the end of it. Odd, but while ultimately gratifying, it is sad too.

Well, I have things to do. I doubt if I will get to much today. If my sleep cycles are coming around, my capacity to do much with my days is not. I have dishes, checking the hen house, filling the gas tank, and some minor shopping on my list in spite of my doubts. Oh, and a bill to be paid. Things to do, as I may.

Good day.

Update: A recipe for butter was found. It looks practical. From what I have read, salted butter lasts longer. And, from D.C. and others, clarifying the butter might make it last even longer. I cannot remember what it is called, but when/if I remember, I will do research on that specifically. Hmmm, geet? ghee? I will look. Little bits and pieces of information are coming together so that I may figure out my next steps, additional foods to add, and such. My hope is to buy wheat for a year, or close to it, next month or the following. Depending on how high prices go, of course, and how soon they hit the market. If prices go too high too fast, I may simply wait. The shop I bought the cookbook from has confirmed and then offered a tracking number. Yes, I am excited. That was fast, courteous, and simple.

So much of what is sold can much more easily, cheaply, and with better end products, be made at home. I would even guess that drying and maybe freeze drying, at some cost and with some significant research, time, effort, and some possibly scary costs, could pay themselves off in less time than one might think. For a one man band, however, I am left sort of scraping by. My money does not allow getting ahead until I am in a position to advance. But it is on my mind and I hope it is on every preppers mind. The old axiom, 'Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, feed him for a lifetime.' is more true than ever. When there is no one to teach, no internet to access, and little available, it will be skills and tools on hand that will make what you have feed, cloth, warm, and hydrate you. Buggers but that is a lot of stuff! Yeah, yeah, I will get back to it. Hush.

I keep hearing how conservative FOX News is. It is not conservative. It is pro-business. It is softly to the right of center more of the time then not. But it is as conservative as Olympia Snowe. It tracks more with the Republican party, at perhaps a 60% to 40% ratio (just a guess, but). Further, it is conservative purely in economics, ignoring social and cultural issues. Those people, even then, at last reported political giving by employees quote I have gave to Dems 70% to 30%. It is in no way conservative. I am still waiting for a fox to FOX as FOX was to CNN.

Update the Second: Rendering beef tallow and tanning rabbit hides now have rudimentary exploration. I need to start printing some of that. I would guess that the beef tallow would be similar to producing lard, or using many other animal type fats as oils. Further, I would suggest that much of what works for rabbit hides would transfer to goat, calf, or possibly deer and elk hides. If nothing else, in a pinch, it would be worth a shot and some experimentation. One note, I do not think any fats on wild game, barring organs, would be worth using, and that for direct cooking and eating, not rendering. I hope to remember to check on that at some point.

Yes... a research day. Urhm, by the way, if you want something researched, or even have a list of things... let me know... for a dolla. Seriously, and no dollar needed.

Up and again.

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Having gone to bed to late, say well after 21:00 but before 22:00 (I think), I set the alarm as a precaution, for 6:00. As usual, hours of rolling ensued before my eyelids worked. Dreams again! This is the second time in my life I dreamed I was a woman... an elite lady of the Victorian era I was, in India I think, chasing after a young and coming up lady to protect her from a bad "gentleman", who was also on her tail. (ZOMG!) Worry and fuss but not too much. Corsets, by the way, suck when they are a "must". Ha! I did wake up at around 2:00 (the times may have been changed to protect a near sleep walker). A visit to the powder room, a scary thought, and back to bed as Sam was not interested in strolling the cold night. Heck, she was under a blanket! Weird cat. More dreams, though this time a bit more... erotic? I cannot remember them, just that I (nearly) woke a few times at full mast with a cat eating grin on my face. At 6:00 it was a little tough getting up, but I had it going so did just that. Hmm, I need to take a shower shortly after from now on just to make sure if I want or need, I can leave the house. And should the doorbell ring I could answer it with a clear conscience. Yes, I feel the need to be presentable even if I am only going to the hen house to check wasps. Every other day of showering would be fine though, with the baseball cap I purchased. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I am surprised that I only use 5 gallons a day here. Most of that is flushing. The sad thing is, with a properly (high volume) toilette, I would actually use less. More government involvement which needs to end. Enough about that after all the razzing and laughter that ensued from the 'results' of my fiber rich diet that last time. ANYWAY. I suppose having 17 x 40 pound bags of salt after being here 4 or 5 months means... no salt needed for a very long time. I wonder what else softener salt can be used for, in a pinch. I will be looking that up today.

Rain will be setting in tomorrow or the day after, but with a fairly long stretch of clear days after that if the weather forecasts can be believed. For the most part though, forecasts have worked. Although if it, like it currently does, says there is a 20% chance of rain, that means we will get rain. More scattered, not as heavy, but almost certain. If anything with rain, they miss that it is even possible. Though that is more in the monsoon season. I will get that roof taken off and the new one on, darn it. I hope.

Sassy is still, well, what her name implies. She is calming some. But climbing curtains seems to be something she still loves to do. Though I was sure I would put her out if she was bad, I have found that she simply is not ready. Rather than doing that as a punishment, I do it occasionally for very short periods to try and 'get her out to play'. Just like a kid. She is fattening, so I may have to put up food while Sam is out. Sam stays slim, trim, and tops, all on her own. Infuriating as she can be, Sassy is just too charming to really stay mad at for long. I just turn into a Troll, holler and point, and then she looks all sad or confused and finds a good place to take a time out. I think she is climbing because she sees a fly or some such. I need to get her onto mice. She has all the skills and natural tendencies but will not hunt while out. Maybe a feeder mouse would get her going on that? Maybe they just are not that plentiful at the moment? Then again, Sassy hates teh texturs on teh paus, teh colt, and all teh bizzr things out cher. Sissy maybe more than Sassy?

Oh, forgot to gas up the car and wanted to pick up a replacement gallon of milk and some soda. No great sales on soda this week, but I have some and might just go slim until the next flier comes out. Coffee... That's the next on my list, and it would stretch the soda. A couple of pounds of the stuff would work well. But a pot. I have been looking at one at Amazon, a bit fancier but not too much beyond a typical pot and about spot on for a more functional pot, but further, useful should alternative fuels become necessary, assuming a cook top of some sort (my cast iron griddle would work fine for that, with some height adjustment capacity). Being glass, it is a bit of a worry. But... If all else fails, coffee could be made by simply boiling water and pouring that over cotton holding the grounds, or even simply adding the grounds to the pot of water and filtering (or not). Original coffee was merely rough ground, boiled, with sugar and or milk/cream added. Grainy, but? Then again, how available will coffee be? I am not sure I can afford stocking coffee too, or if it even would store for very long at all.

Later.

Out and about.

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Sure, not that it is all that much, but it is the most I have done in quite some time. I drove in to town and stopped at my bank. I pulled out a bit from each account and have enough to do anything I might need to do should a bank holiday fall on my month, whichever one it might fall on. I will just keep the money in with my collected coins and call it a rainy day fund. I will add a bit to it over the months, more like every other month, and if all works out with no needs, I may convert it to junk silver. Of course silver is creeping up. Just as gold is. Just as food is.

I then grabbed a couple boxes of .45 ammo. Oddly, ammo is not creeping up. Then I called and picked up my shooting pal and headed for the range... free range... one of them. With my lever action and .22 pistol, I slung small lead through small bores until I had finished off 150 rounds. My pistol was beginning to balk and the rifle had gotten heavy, so I just watched as my friend polished off the last of his 9 mm ammunition. You know, for a guy with cataracts and in his mid 60's... Let us just say you would not want to become a threat to him. I am far better with the rifle than I am the .22 pistol, though I am quite good with the .45 considering the limitations of that pistol. The .22 pistol though just beats me up. The .45 has a natural feel and aim. I am as one with it as you can get for a standard stock pistol. I just cannot get that with the Ruger .22. I think the barrel is a bit end heavy, the grip is a bit slim, and it feels more like a dowsing device than a pistol. I might have to consider figuring out how to bulk up the grip, though giving it a natural and solid grip too.

After the shooting we stopped at Wal-Mart. I grabbed milk, some specialty Italian dried meats (small pack, a rare and wonderful treat), brots and more brots and one more (great mixer with beans and rice), and salt. Lots and lots of salt. I bought 3 or 4 regular table salt tubes, a kosher and pickling box of salts, and called it good. That covers my short term salt needs. Pickling salt you ask? Well, you do not need to can to produce refrigerator pickled items, and it is good for a number of odd recipes. I do have 2 x 5 pounds of sugar in stock, if that is rarely used. In a SHTF scenario, and in spite of diabetes (or because of it, if you know my so-called diabetes as I do), sugar will be a good thing since other treats may simply not be available.

I then went to dinner. That Mexican restaurant I have spoken of received another visit. I love that place. For $8 to $12 you can get a large meal, add a bit for tea, tax, and tip, and you are out little other than a full belly. Which, actually, I still have. I need to eat out once in a while. Treats are not always sweet. Then, back to one more store. I was sure, by now, my water softener would be low on salt, so I grabbed 8 bags. I had 7 at home, but figured I would be using 2 to 4 when I checked. They just happened to be on sale (I do buy Mortinson, not being snobbish, just it is better). It was cheaper than the cheapo anyway, at $3.49 or so per bag, versus $4.89 or so. I also grabbed some milk, three gallons. One shifted wrong in the back seat and fell out. The little fur sisters and me have been consuming the half of it I did save. Bah!

It is bed time, probably a little beyond. Anyway, just an update. Good night Glen and Bessie Hyde, Jim Thompson, and William Morgan.

By the way...

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I am pleased with how I handled my first encounter with a single woman. I keep pondering my assessment process, her answers, my toying and hers, and the results. Though I should come clean about something, as I figured it out more fully.

About 90% of what was said, perceived, and repeated to check... was waste material, if necessary. To get to the meat of the matter, both of us tried to shift, push, pull, and hold the keys. I thought she was rather easy to control, and I handed her the keys just to see which doors she would unlock. Her age, in truth, has nothing to do with my rejection. A 25 year old woman would do quite well. What I was looking for was her capacity and interest in being domestic, having children, and what kind of a partner she would be.

Admittedly, what she said though somewhat connected to how she said it and some of what she said, was pretty much struck out. I listen very little to what a woman says so much as how she stands, what her hands are doing, and whether I sense she is telling the truth. She came out well on the truth score, though I can tell she is a heavy fibber (a bad trait native to women, but exacerbated with her last guy, she dated/lived with for 6 years). I do believe she is not interested in children, she wants to play. She is not really into the domestic scene, she wants to have fun. And she is not so interested in more than flirting or modern dating. Of course, all of these things can be changed, but my final assessment is that this would be too much work.

If she had expressed disinterest, but two or three of these had been positive toward my ends, I would have attempted to negotiate. If I see the right woman and she verbally says the wrong things, that is simply... a lure. Or is that the hook? Never listen to an available women who naysays the notion of a closer relationship solely based on what she verbally says. Same with accepting a woman based on a verbal assessment. I give myself a decent grade on this. If I am wrong, I am on the right track and will improve.

Up and at it.

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I tossed and turned for hours before finally sleeping last night. Though I went to bed somewhere in the neighborhood of 17:00 or 18:00, I doubt if I actually slept until 20:00, give or take. I woke at about 2:00, let Sam out and headed back to bed. I then slept well until 6:00. It has been a bit of a push to get to sleep and stay asleep, but I am finding that getting a decent extra dose of sleep is helping. I am still not all that active, but getting there perhaps.

Today I will be heading into town to go shooting with my friend. I will also do a bit of shopping, pick up a few more bullets, have a dinner somewhere, and grab some cash for to stash. I need to get a shower and maybe finish dishes. They stack up fast! I ought to check on the wasp situation, if I can get ready to be outside and think of it too. I never did get back out there. Then again, that might not be bad. I have a tendency to push things.

I have my furnace set to 70 F at 6:00, 66 at 8:30, 68 at 17:00, and then 62 at 20:30. I am not sure if this is perfect, but I think it is helping. Too cold and I shut down, if without suffering, too hot and I get uncomfortable but more active. Finding the right middle ground is tricky. Since i cannot really feel what is too cold, I just end up shutting down, it takes a bit of experimenting. I cannot go by what I went by in Iowa as the humidity there made a huge difference and nothing really helped there, with evil all around.

Not much else going on. I hope you find a way to keep on track yourself.

Bon enjoyee. That's Bugs French for have a great day.

Why do I always harp on family matters?

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Family is the crux of civilization. As goes the family, so goes any nation. She gets it, and says it better than I. She has been at it a bit longer, and has successfully, and humbly, worked on these issues, as a good woman, wife, and mother, for decades now. Yeah, okay, there are some pretty good women out there. Then again, my lady readers are pretty top notch, as I have it.

Well, it is bed time again. I have been getting up between 4:00 and 6:00. If I am going to sleep early, like... about now... I am able to get back to sleep if I wake earlier. And... I need to catch up on that sleep. A month and a half of 4 to 6 hours or less a night has not been good. Maybe I am phasing through to a better schedule. Time will tell.

Good night.

Bank holiday?

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I get this as a possibility from someone I think is, if a bit goofy *poke poke*, is working hard at getting it right. This could be a mistake, a false alarm. But the cost of prepping for it is minimal. So, I decided to put out the alarm myself. Not always do I or will I do this. It is simply that, at this time, I think he may have a serious point. Why would the banks take a holiday?

I am not an economist. Then again, I do not think most economists are. Most are political yes men, maleducated wannabes, or various forms of bureaucratic cogs. What I do know is that, in our current economic situation, putting a stop to bank foreclosures is something akin, medically, to using a tourniquet... on three or four limbs. It is really bad news. Add in that 49 states have loosed their attorney generals on the banks. Right.

Credit, which is how our economy works, functions much like blood. What foreclosure stoppage does is sort of a wild card. To what degree and what the government might try to introduce as a stopgap is merely speculation (and somewhat frightening itself). What I am sure about is that this will cause a mess in the financial industry. In the state of the economy we are facing, even a hiccup could be devastating. The advice advanced, and what I will forward, is simple.

Pull out enough cash, in smaller bills, to see you through real expenses for the next two weeks, as you are able. Enough for gas in the vehicle or whatever travel expenses might be needed, enough for food if you have nothing stocked (and even if you do), enough for bills showing up in the next couple of weeks. He does not suggest money for debt payments, which I am unsure about. Perhaps with banks down, that would be useless anyway? I know, if I can get going today but certainly tomorrow, I will be pulling out enough for two weeks, gassing up the X, buying groceries of the more perishable sort at least, and pulling out an additional small wad of funny money. It is not exactly like I am making any money on the money I have in the bank, so...

Thankfully, this month is not so lean as last. I have enough of a deep pocket to put a few ducks in a more accessible place. Cash, the dollar, may be dying. But it probably will not become worthless with this particular incident, if it occurs. Probably being the operative word. Hey, if it all falls flat and someone figures out how to use more fiction and keep the train on the tracks for a while longer... are you really out anything?

Pitchforks.

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There is little new under the sun when looking over pitchforks. I had hoped to find something new, something neat but old, or... anything. No, nothing much in the official channels. I did happen upon this one outside of the normal barn and farm implement outlets. Well, you do know about the pitchfork(tm) parties forming around the country, perhaps even around the world, right? Well, get on board, where have you been? Anyway, here it is.



So, what do you think?

Now to find a sheep skull lantern.

What I have been saying about the U.S.?

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While doing my daily reading, I happened upon a link that lead me to a notice of Japan and the problems they are having. The author seems to think this all through well enough, however he suggests Japan will be an example for us (presumably America, and maybe Europe) to not follow. Huh?

If you follow what is written, you will see that Japan is dying. They are in the midst of a population implosion. The young are not having children and the old cannot and did not when it was their turn. Some large part of the financial concerns, if the author is to be believed and I read it right, are based on the fact that many "modern" nations are economically based on government socialism, which is being exposed as a ponzi scheme through the reduction in population. Fair enough, it is something I cannot help but to have noted myself, albeit about the U.S. and Europe.

The thing he absolutely misses is, Europe is toppling over from that, the U.S. is not far behind. Russia is probably well in advance of Japan, actually, on all those scores. Why he does not note it, I cannot be sure. My guess is that nations like the U.S. and many of the European countries are importing baby producers, workers, and other population enhancers which smooth over the demographic implosions occurring in all "modern" nations. By missing this, he misses that Japan may be in better shape. Though, I will not swear to that as Japan has started to bring in foreign workers and will be having the same problem the rest of "us" are having sooner or later.

The demographics are changing so drastically in so many nations that it is impossible to guess how long it will be before a societal collapse will occur. With native populations not having children and foreign workers and breeders being brought in to fill the work load, for political purposes (cannot have the left without ignorant voters!), and such, it is only a matter of time before these nations are completely broken by the load. There really is not a happy ending coming our way.

He suggested that it takes a long time to change the wave. I suggest it would take no longer than a few weeks of legislative process. End absolutist civil equality laws, remove the expenses of bringing women to work (such as birth vacations with guaranteed rehire, corporate day care, day care reimbursements, flexible work schedules), and make working less rewarding for women who should be mothers. Men cannot do it. Further, the price of bringing women into the workplace using super equality laws and regulations has hindered the capacity of the average man to afford being the head of a household in a practical manner and lessened the interest of women to go that rout in the first place. Oh, pain will be felt by all and for a long time should this come to pass.

None of the changes needed to put America, Europe, or the world sum total, back on track are easy, quick, or painless. Actually, there is no other choice. The only choice now is whether we do it and try to survive, or if we die as a nation and by the nation of those who take over it is simply the way of things. Harsh? Life IS harsh. At this point there is no choice. Grab on, this will hurt quickly and be done relatively shortly, or we will slowly decay into a ghost of what we were and simply end up being a Mexican state. I suppose it beats becoming a muslim enclave, not by much though.

So much happening all at once.

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In the political arena, Republicans and conservatives seem to be gaining if one is to believe the official and unofficial pundits. (Dubious here, but then I am a sour puss and infamous doubting Thomas.) If what I am reading has any truth, the House will be taken and possibly with an historic number of seats taken. The Senate is looking more likely to be brought to 50/50 or more. I really think that most of the hype is, well, hype. I suspect, if strongly, the House will be taken. I doubt if the Senate will be won. We will see.

Something which infuriates me is the court ruling stopping "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Of course, that policy itself infuriated me. If anything, I am hoping that if this somehow goes through that the new congress will come back, remove both the ban and the policy, and once again outlaw homosexuality in the military. Perhaps even going the extra mile and telling judges they have no rights to intervene in that policy. I doubt it though, Repugnants are just as f'ing queer loving as Demonrats these days. One can hope, however. And I do.

Grain prices are soaring. They are absolutely sky-rocketing. Trouble? You betcha. With a freeze on Social Security cost of living coming at a time when food prices are getting way out of hand, the obvious disconnect between what inflation is and what the government thieves call it has become absolutely impossible to miss. Pitchforks were being readied for a dozen other reasons, this will hurt. I can honestly almost see real politicians being found and strung up by angry mobs all around the country. The police and Secret Service will have one of three choices: stay and attempt to protect, in which case they will join the politicians; join the crowd and bring the politicians out to receive their fate; or run like hell. I know most people think that such a thing, in a modern nation, especially in America, is impossible. It is not.

The next area is the housing market. Many underwater or bankrupt homeowners think the wave of fury at the handling of mortgages is a favorable thing to them. It is not. It has nothing to do with them. Actually, they are (the less credible ones who took loans they had no right reason to accept) one of the targets of ire. The outrage regarding this problem deals with theft through "social justice" by many politicians, illegal loans (by any real metric), financial repackaging of those loans, foreclosure practices, and other issues. Everything involved here is a large part of the pitchfork parties being prepared for bankers, lawyers, and politicians. Ugly, I say. And it will not get prettier as the mess mires the economy more than what we have already been through. What else are 80 million unemployed, unemployable, people to do for weekend relaxation. Plus, they could steal union buses for even more distant get-aways.

Then there is the medical malpractice laws which have been shoved down our throats. Where even to begin on this. Other than it being the most socialist (thus corrupt) insider deal to businesses and people who this administration and congress support at the huge cost to both actual medical practice and the health of the American people, it is a financial, social, and legal nightmare in areas which should have nothing to do with seeing a doctor. From the 1099 forms (which require reporting a transaction of $600 or more to the IRS), to taxes imposed on artificial limbs (which service members who lost limbs in action must pay!), to areas which have not even been discovered yet or are not receiving as much attention at this point because of the number of problems.

Pitchforks, tar, feathers, and a visit to your local incumbent and supporters thereof? Could happen. It really might. Oh, I suppose judges should be thrown in as targets. They will not slink off, not even with their black robes and resonant voices providing cover. I am, actually, somewhat surprised it has not already started. Who, me? No, too old to enjoy what may happen. I would probably over sleep any planned action anyway, or just be sitting here doing nothing, unable to quite get off my butt. My sentiments will go with those who decide to act, sort of. If I could feel anything, I am sure I might be more inclined to at least attend. I hope they keep it clean though, just taking out the targets and not going totally mad and, well, going too far. But steam, once built up, cannot always be controlled.

I do have one little irritating problem. No popcorn. I will go to the store today. I ran out last month or the one before it. I keep looking over bags of this and that. I like Orville, but it is so darned expensive. Hmm, while I am up and thinking about it, I might go do some reviews on commonly available popcorn. Do I research everything? Well, yes. If I have the internet available, if I have the time, if I think about it when both of those last are covered, I spend my time looking. I may need 20 pounds of popcorn for what is about to happen. Then again, some more would not be all that bad, for long term storage. A ten pound bag put in with with several of my other storage buckets. Really really.

Wasps!

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Many wasps. As I was checking out the roof I lifted a sheet of the old roofing. To my horror, the thing is covered in wasps. I gently returned the sheet, slipped off the roof, and entered the hen house. I did this because the wasps seemed rather lethargic, probably due to the cooler weather, so I deemed this as safe. I have been checking all summer for wasps. I saw only empty nests and never saw a live wasp. I must have missed something or they have colonized in this last month or two. This time there was a large wasp nest, quite active, and quite spooky. Because of the number of seemingly inactive nests, I have wasp spray on hand. Grabbing that, I read the instructions. The only way I could spray was the way the instructions directed me not to spray. Did I mention I am allergic to stings? I will look in an hour or two, though the instructions suggest waiting a full day. I will not necessarily spray that nest, but I will look for other active nests.

Nothing is as easy as just doing whatever you are doing. This time it was unnerving. A single sting, but definitely two or three, would very possibly have found me calling 911 and hoping. A dozen and I might not have made it to the house? It looked like, from the top area and the nest, that there are several hundred there or around. Why is it that every job becomes complicated to the point of continual stoppage. Adding to my typical troubles, life becomes quite problematic. One of the things on my mind is what to do with the shingles. The wood I can store, but I am not sure about the shingles. Depending on how much I pull off, I might be able to simply throw it in the trash. No guarantee though, and there is a risk of a fine. Same with yard debris from raking and the pruning materials. None of it can be burned, it will not fit in special bags, so... what?

Did I mention I was wearing a long sleeved yellow shirt? It is the only long sleeve work shirt I have. I am not sure if that would incense the wasps, but if yellow does, this would, in spades. When I work, I wear long sleaves, gloves, and thick work pants. But is that really enough, are wasps smartly aggressive or mindless attackers? Bah! I am doing research on wasps now.

Update:

Paper wasps. All sorts of sites indicate how good these wasps are for the environment. Nice, but uhm, perhaps they would be willing to collect them? I did not think so. The good news is my chosen method is the one that they recommend. The problem is the hive is only a few feet from the entrance, so a 20 foot distance between the comb and me was impossible. I used the doorway way as a means of shielding myself. There is room for them to see out and come out of the side of the roof, but there was no other way to spray. It worked, I guess. I hope there is only one nest in there. With that many wasps, I sort of expect that to be the case.

Up at 4:00.

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Give or take, yes. I actually woke at 24:00, then at 2:00, but made it back to sleep. Sassy let me know that it was play time. Chasing her tail a little to close to me reminded me, again, that she has VERY sharp claws. She has, mostly, learned to play nice with me. Wow, sharp all right. As well, I was having a dream. I was driving the X up a switchback old logging road. I hit a place where going forward was going to have to include a drive over a few exposed smaller rounded boulders which, to my mind, might make the already steep climb too much but more included a bit of an trim (side to side) angle on top of all. I drove a bit up. Realized there might be a problem and backed up just a bit, got out and looked at the situation on foot, then got back in and was deciding what to do. Going back was... at least as troubling as going forward. Nearly a single lane, the cliff to my left was nearly sheer and a LONG way down. I was just considering what to do when... *SHARP* made the consideration to be left for another day. I was not sure whether to be grumpy with her or not. Still, who can hate a kitteh? They were meant to do just such things. Even when she pisses me off, I cannot help grinning. I know my own.

I did make it to the appointment. For whatever reason, I thought the thing was at 13:30 or 13:45. The young lady called and asked if I would be in at 12:30, just a bit before. I told her I thought the thing was at that later time. No problem, so we set it up for then. She had a new type of dye, one made for men. My beard and a trim. Hmm, I thought, as she started to... dye my hair. Oh, she said, when I suggested it was just to be the beard. Free, besides she needed to experiment with the dye, so I was a guinea pig. Well, it does look good. I haven't been silver free since I was 17 though, so it is... weird. I will think on it. Oh, she is only 25, if still single and not really dating. Yeah, no. Too young. But I am thinking and taking opportunities as they present. She said this, that, and the other thing about why she would not want to date me. Which does not really matter (trust me). But for me, 25 and her nature... No. Some fish you just have to toss back. She is quite available, somewhat interested, yet not quite ready.

On my way in, I saw my friend. Being plenty early for an appointment I was technically late for, I saw my friend crossing the highway. So I turned around and pulled in near him. Until he saw who I was, he thought I was going to kill him. I honestly wonder what all he has been involved with. I saw it when I first pulled up. He thought he was about to be dead and was rather calm with it. Yeah, I am in my right company, if we came to be similar in very different ways. Anyway, I went along with him while he did some shopping. More reloader ammunition boxes is what he needed and got. I had to go to my appointment, so I simply gave him a ride to his place so he did not have to take the bus and told him I would be back later to goof a bit. Then to the appointment I went. After the appointment, we went to lunch, took a drive to a damn a bit south, got out for a smoke at the dam, and then headed back. I set up an appointment to go shooting this Thursday though.

At home, I was done. I stayed up until 18:00 and then slept until 4:00. It was a lot more sleep, all at once, then I have gotten in weeks, maybe even a month or two. Lord was it good! It is the first dream I can remember having for so very long, too. I hope not to sleep that long as a usual, but I hope I can sleep a little longer than the 4 to 6 hours naps of the last month or two. And deep. Very nice. Today looks like it might be clear, and it might be clear for a while now. So, if I check the weather again today, and that seems to be right, I will begin on the roof. You know, I could have started work on the bench to be used for reloading, but I just did not think of it yesterday. Just the way it goes.

Later.

Raining or about to or could.

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No work can go forward on the hen house roof. Not today. Some dishes are done, a bit more to go on that. I did get the chance to call my mother today and that is always good. I did wake her up, which I actually feel bad about. In spite of my feelings, she actually enjoys even those calls. While having little else I can get to, I started digging into inserts, the rocket stove, and used wood stoves. The good news is all of those have serious potential to be installed or bought in little time. I have some doubts about an iron cook stove, simply due to... how to set it up, the condition many are in, and some other things. Still, if a few years are to be had, one might be considered if I do not think a somewhat enclosed cooking system is in my financial or other capacity.

While looking at the rocket stove sight I preferred, I noticed they offer a communal sized device ($500 versus $69 for a little one). The thing that worries me about the little one is whether it would have the capacity to handle an 8 quart (or larger) pressure cooker (of whatever sort). I know a pressure cooker is limited to (at maximum) half of it's volume in water. Still, that is a pretty hefty item. The problem, as I see it, with the big one, is that there is no real capacity to have it act as a bakery which is the only reason I would consider something larger and costlier. I still think the little rocket engine as a stopgap between when I buy it and when I construct an efficiency outdoor multi-format cooking system is the way to go.

The inserts for a fireplace give me huge hope. My major concern with the fireplace, assuming it is still in tact at all, is whether the chimney was in order. Even if it has been filled in, I have some hope that with a little advice and elbow grease, plus a few more tools, I might be able to clear such a blockage myself well enough to make an insert work. And, some of the inserts have enough of a ledge to provide a cooking space, while cooking inside the insert using cast iron cookware is also a function of seemingly all of them. I do worry about opening up the wall and finding more troubles than solutions though. The people who lived here last, it seems to me, would have considered such a thing themselves. Since they renovated the living spaces in which the fireplace opening would have been, they had to have had access to consider that option. The house is rather weatherproof, though. Perhaps they saw no need for that at that time, or wanted (needed) to put their money elsewhere. Until I know, the whole notion will simply be a swirl of concern. I could just take my contractor's war hammer to wall and figure it out... And that will have to be what will be done at some point, but I want to have the finances ready to either finish that out or wall it back up. I am not there.

While in town today, I will be checking out large zip lock type bags so that I might finally get my first 3 or 4 buckets loaded up. The nice thing about living in this area is people often know exactly what might work. Even if they do not do it themselves, they are around others who do and have considered the notion. By direct knowledge or osmosis, they have gained knowledge. Further, they do not look askance at the asker of such such questions! I believe I will clean my water storage containers before I leave and have them ready for filling. I have 4 x 5 gallon containers for water, but filling them using the reverse osmosis will take time. I think it only has a three gallon capacity and I try to drink at least a half of a gallon a day if I often fall short. The system begins refilling immediately after use, though I am not sure how fast that goes. If i can fill one 5 gallon bucket a day, that would see me set with water as I see things for 20 days on a minimalist schedule. Given my actual water use, I could see that lasting more like 10 days though. I think a "bath" once or twice a week is enough at perhaps 3 to 4 gallons of water per and a half gallon of water a day, assuming low activity, is enough. And, well, I AM home and hopefully will have food and water enough to function well. By this spring I am hoping to have a larger water container, say a 55 gallon type. I also hope to have another 4 x 5 gallon containers filled by then as well. I think 95 gallons would be enough for about 30 days. If I somehow create a cistern next summer, at 2500 gallons, I would be in much better shape.

It still all feels like a pipedream, regardless of the ebb and flow of my certainty that times are about to become harsh. As I may have mentioned, there are other reasons to live this way other than a crash. When it is going, it will offer a simpler life. As well, should I want to save significantly, I might be able to live nearly scot free for an extended time. But more than any of that is that this type of living is the opposite of hands-free automated living that so many choose to employ, or are nearly forced to in the automated world of many cities. I have to think about my foods, I have to prepare and cook it, and hopefully grow them with all that entails. Everything becomes a chore, but systematic ones. I will not say this will make me more alive so much as more involved in my life and much more functional in a crunch.

Mumble, mumble, grumble, and think. Rinse, repeat, but one step closer to independence. And I like it.

Up by 6:30?

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A few days ago I suggested that I had finally arranged my thermostat, setting it up, toying with the features, and getting that task finished. Well, it seems it works. I have the thing set to warm the house to 70 F at 6:00. Most likely, that is what woke me. With two short sleep cycles yesterday, I did have enough sleep with that second and this last 4 hour nap. So, I am awake, the house is warm enough to begin waking, get in a shower, and figure out what I will be doing today.

If it is not raining, and forecasts look good, I might get to tearing the roof down this morning and still have time to make it to my appointment with the lady barber this afternoon. Taking a shower and doing the remaining dishes while I dry, then dressing for work if that looks possible, then another shower, a bit of a beard trim, and to town after that. If it looks likely, I will also call my friend and let him know to be ready to go shooting. That has been a while. I might even grab a box of .45 acp (for storage) and another box of .22. At $20 per though, maybe not...

Today, again, is merely an opportunity. Can I get to it, can I walk outside, can I do some work and have some fun? Meh, we will see. Sure, I stack it on when I can. I sort of have to do so. Well, later.

More than yesterday.

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Most of the dishes have been done. They stacked longer than usual recently. It was ugly but it is mostly done. I suppose they have stacked longer and deeper because instead of just slacking completely I have been trying to eat two or three meals a day. Which, actually, is more than I have historically eaten. It was a goal to do this, eating 2 to 3 times a day, but that is not my reason. I am hoping that eating more often will provide the strength when opportunities present themselves.

I went simple tonight, home made macaroni and cheese. Milk butter and shredded cheese, along with macaroni is simple and yet quite good. A few spice mixes adds some heat like tonight, or can make the meal more aromatic. Tuna added protein tonight, though other meats do quite well also. And, I used a can of spinach as a totally different thing and to begin incorporating my short term foods into my diet. Though I have been doing that already, I have mostly been adding sardines and foods I would usually eat. This is a newer item, and yeah, that is tough for me. Worked well enough, though.

Some things I saw I thought were interesting out there I wanted to discuss and share are next on the menu. The first, the thing about food spiking. I honestly think this is the last, best, next, area to be attacked by the bubble maniacs. They realize food is a very limited product, is vital to everybody, and could lead to political power if that market is cornered and dominated. My guess, if too partly a hope, is that not only will this bubble crash before too many people die, that both governments and people will step in to crush speculation in this area. This, more than housing (at least in a land with other reasonable options) is something that is more than immoral to manipulate. If Soros and Gates do not take their fingers out of that pie, and soon, they may draw back bloody stumps. After reading about billionaires buying gold by the ton, followed by a mini-jump and then decline, I realized something had to be next. A few days later, foodstuffs go up. Yeah. It also shows me that, with the way information flows now, speculation has become problematic and bubbles are becoming much more difficult to create and sustain, putting aside a few economic realities beside information flow and attention span increases. Bless their dark little hearts for trying though.

The next one is the partial reality of living with various pets. Though I have cats, I would dearly love to have a dog too. I know though that a dog takes so much care, attendance, and training. I know they need lots of care, much more so than cats, and are a lot more expensive. Still, this little post is something I honestly think could be closer to the truth than not and why I love each type. Enjoy!

Oh, some things I bought the last time I was at the store were two pumpkins. It is my hope they will last until a few days before Halloween, at which time I will carve them. I would like to make a nice impression my first year here. Hmm, I best get my front room neatened and buy a new bulb for the front door light too. To that end, I have been looking through sites for patterns, methods of preserving the jack-o-lanterns, and trying to figure out lighting sources. I saw one idea which showed a pumpkin in a large clear bucket of water! I am not sure I have, or would be interested in obtaining such an item, but I am considering the notion. Snap lights for light, in some configuration or other, would give it a glow. I am not sure what types of faces or designs I will go with. This will be only the second time I have done this in my life, and the only time I have done this alone. Should be interesting.

Wow, at 2:20 or so, it is bed time. My hair cut and beard appointment is tomorrow. I need to be out of here by 12:30 or so. I hope I can make it. I am ready for bed so I just might. Good night, Pretty Woman, or whoever you are. Still praying for you whether you like it or not.

Books? Books.

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My latest research efforts were in regard to... you know. You did read the title did you not? Anyway, to the search monster and Amazon I went. I started with a handful of titles and topics. Reading the reviews, starting at the bottom, and working my way through. Often, if the looks of the reviews were ugly or even a bit off, I would find another suggested title and author. I might add that book to my cart, just so I could find it easily enough in order to review the reviews. Hush, I am not an English major or such. I ended up with a well thought out pile of books in the cart, along with a sleep aid which has been suggested. And, for now, there they will sit. However, I thought I would share what is in my cart and what else I found, from the reviews, for free. I likes my freerange books.

Reader's Digest Back to Basics, Joy of Gardening by Dick Raymond, Backyard Livestock by Steven Thomas, Ultimate Guide to Wilderness Living by John McPherson sit in my cart. I did look at that bible one, and some others, but came away with these. From reviews, checking outside Amazon, and just going on gut instincts, these topped the list. There were some topics I failed to find top slots regarding, including a cookbook for stored foods. In that example, I did find a book but the reviews killed the deal. Even the top reviews suggested that the recipes may not have been tested, that some of the instructions even when clear were simply false, and that there were many errors, incomplete recipes, and wrong proportions. Being a decent cook, I could overcome some of that, but not all of it. Also precluded was a book on grain growing. By the reviews, I simply could not find one that worked. The one D.C. has had on his site, from the reviews, was more for people with at least a small tractor? There were other flaws, though I am hoping he might comment on that.

Ah, to the freerange materials. This, if nothing else, I really wanted to share. While looking at purchasing "Where There Is No Doctor", I ran into a review which suggested these are outdated and referring anyone reading the review to go to Hesperian Foundation and download the updated manual for free. Oddly in a not so odd, or funny, of a way, that review disapeared when I went back later in search of it. To find the name of the link which lead me to the downloads. Amazon would not scrub a review for taking away business would it? My wonder is how they connected my looking elsewhere to the review and so quickly? Yeah, the bastards know more than they let on. Further, I also found a free download regarding dentistry, women's health, and a midwife guide. They are all as updated as possible, more so than the offerings on Amazon. If you wish you may purchase the books or books and cds, rather than just doing the free download(s). I have all of them on the machine, at the moment.

Wow, stayed awake until after 14:00! Anyway, I am thinking on those books. I think I have enough money to cover them, and would like to explore the topics, but I sort of want to wait a bit, into the middle of the month, before spending anything. I do not want to go through last month's personal monetary meltdown. It is a bad place for me, more so than most. Sam says "MeoHIw", Sassy says, "Huh? No... Well, maybe if you like me... *burrrh* Urhm, no... bye!". Or, something like that.

Have a great day.

Oh really?

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One of the many things I am researching is a wheat grinder. I have reviewed many devices, considered complaints and compliments, considered the price ranges, and... As usual it comes down to price. If you do not mind a glorified paperweight, buy that $20 device. If you are the king, buy the $$$ one. If you are like me, you just add it to a wish list too big to reasonably seemingly ever fill. Advertising almost ought to be banned. At least require advertisers to be held to some standards, and include them in the warranty responsibility process. If there are laws on the books, they are not being well enforced. No new laws, that only favors the big companies while sparing neither quality or price. There are two or three I am looking at. They start at about $180 and go up. The favored one, not really by price, happens to be the $180 device. For another couple hundred, I could add an electric base as well, for current convenience. As well, it has attachments that work with both the manual and electric bases which allow for everything from slicing vegetables to grinding meats to almost anything such a device would be good for. The whole package, including both bases, comes in at about $500.

The list grows, the budget is the same, and that is that. I am currently trying to order purchases and needs versus wants and luxury. Understand, though, that some luxury is a need. Take a week long hike somewhere. Put a Snickers in your pack. Remember it on your fourth day out. Then you will understand. Then again, carrying nothing but Snickers probably would not be good. As food is being gathered and stored, water is about to be handled, and a home has been secured, heat, cooking, and food processing are coming into their own. Livestock and gardening are... well, under consideration if a bit further off than what I had hoped. Prepping the house itself is... in the distance but on the mind too. Still, I need to find what is most crucial, should the world stop tomorrow, and get on that first. But a cheap fix is often no fix, just a money loss and later larger expenditure or going without something crucial.

The good news about heat and cooking is that there are more options out there than what I would have guessed. I am not sure of pricing, longevity is always an issue, but combined heating and cooking devices using several energy sources offers some relief. It does get complicated, when considering shelf life of the fuels, whether the source can be used indoors safely or not or within what parameters, and how expensive any of this is. The food processing, at this point, is a matter of obtaining a mill and a pressure cooker, perhaps then a canner and the needed pieces for that. Oh, and livestock. That will just have to wait until... well... I am hoping, as I meet locals, I might speak with others who already raise chickens, rabbits, goats, and horses. Have you seen the price of new tackle for a horse? Wow! It is coming along though. Like climbing a mountain in a precarious manner, do not look down. Actually, do not look up either. Just... climb.

I have decided to discuss whether a drug has come out that acts like an opium blocker the next time I see my doctor. The article suggested that there is one but it loses it's efficacy quickly. This doctor is rather hostile to the notion that I might have my unofficial diagnosis. Then again, she is hostile period. I am not sure I could work with her on anything. I am almost guessing, that if one could block that self-made material for a period of time, say a year or two, that the body might recover from the production and addiction in that time. I am pretty sure it will hurt, hard. I have not felt things, to include most physical pain, in decades. Oh yes, it would hurt. I think it would offer my life back though.

Awake.

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Sleep was good. I have at least been adding research into my otherwise empty daily schedule. Food storage, heating options, cooking oil, roofing, some electrical issues, and the list goes on. I am not sure I am finding all that much of immediate use. I do become frustrated at costs, complexities, regulations, all compounded by a seeming inability to do even what is at hand. Still, I think it is better to look and search, read and try to understand, and fight through what I can, when I can, and how I can. I do, however, have empathy for those who have found a nice soft pile of sand in which to bury their head.

Sassy, the kitten, is growing so fast. She is now about a 1/2 sized cat, at about 7 or 8 months old. I am not sure how long it takes for her to fully mature. She is maturing of attitude as much as latitude. She is learning the fine art of the nap and letting papa "nap". She is still pestering the heck out of Sam, standing her ground and chasing, if still knowing she is outgunned and rolling and dodging ol' sour puss. Sam still has not taken to teh kitteh. A death in the family, to her, I am quite sure is a dream at this point. I would almost bet, when Sassy followed Sam initially when outside, Sam would lead teh stupid places that were... problematic. Sam always came home with a sick grin on her face. Just a suspicion, but... I notice Sassy no longer follower Sam, outside.

I am feeling better. I have been attempting to continue to eat. Small meals, once in a while, and bananas for snacks. I have learned that the potassium pills probably are required. Unlike what some mentioned, what is contained in the pills (prescribed) can be vastly higher than what could possibly be eaten. One man suggested it would take 28 bananas to equal what he was getting. Now, while I doubt his math, I do not doubt that the amount might be more than a dozen bananas. Possibly. I am still having trouble remembering to take those though. Then again, like every illness I have ever had... Oh noeses! I could dyz! It is difficult to get worked up about it, or anything in my current condition. I have supposedly been on the edge of immanent death... for at least a decade now. I am beginning to think they do not know what that word, immanent, means?

On politics, I will still hold that Republicans and more conservatives, are leading a charge which will change power in the House. I am, however, seeing signs that perhaps the Senate is more in play than what I thought. I will not bet on that, without a favor. I give that about a 30 to 40 percent chance, if it is looking more possible as the time nears. If it happens it would merely be an early Christmas present, one I am not counting on. A decent majority in both, considering the condition in the Supreme Court and the White House (I do not think they know what that word means either), would still be weak. And, that many of the Repugnants already there and many coming in, are much of the typical variety, the prospects are weaker still. But, it is what is and anything will be better than nothing.

I wish I had a way to get over the doldrums. This is getting more than a bit annoying. What makes it worse, in some ways, is that I am fully aware of it. If I lose track of time to a degree, I am still aware it is passing. If I am a bit addled and confused, that is more occasional surface clutter than all I see. In some ways it is like not passing out while being surgically treated without anesthesia. And yet, though I complain, I would prefer this. It gives me a little more control, a better chance at acting on the necessary, a greater sense of still being alive, if too a bit more frustrating.

Ah, but I can dream of my pole dancing good Catholic wife to come. I have picked the spot for the pole, by the way. I am just researching oil or not, and what kind if so... give or take a few tall fish tales. Heh!

In a "roll your own" world...

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Rolling your own may be the best bet. After many searches, much reading, and no definitive answers, my mind has been doing what it does in the background. Though I have no clear idea if this will work, I am considering the possibility of using one mylar bag as 2 to 4 storage bags. This would be a waste of oxygen absorbers and desiccants as the volume they are designed to handle would be 2 to 4 times what they might be used to handle. I am thinking that 4 x 10 to 12 pound bags of various goods could be created out of one mylar bag, sealing each section. This would allow for an easier use of the goods in a timely fashion and less chance of a total wipe if one bag somehow still goes bad. I am curious what others think though.

Research and more research. When one issue becomes frustrating, I move on to another issue. I am not sure I really get anywhere, though I suspect I am making my way. Sometimes I find direct information, other times I only find indirect suggestions, while other times ideas simply come to me in spite of finding nothing substantive.

I did, finally, program the programmable thermostat. It was not difficult, it simply was not intuitive, at all. Further, I messed around to figure out the features I like and would use, such as a filter change warning (indicating furnace run time, so when to replace the furnace filter) and temporary temp set and set and hold features, all while setting the whole thing up (each day at a time, what a pita). Oh, it was a little thing. But it has been on my list and my mind for a very long time. In spite of the cold and rain, the house is staying right at 68 F, without the furnace. This home is quite the find and buy.

Now that I am getting food prep underway, I am considering alternative heat sources. Wood and coal burning, of course, are the main interests. I cannot be certain, though I suspect coal is probably something that is around if it might not be currently mined. Wood, of course, because of the mountains, would be plentiful if quite a task to obtain barring vehicles. I am also very tempted to find out if the fireplace originally built into the house would still be viable or perhaps be able to be repaired. That, though, would take a wad of cash just to investigate with no certainty of value. If it has merely been walled away it could still be good. I would also truly love to separate the front room and bedroom, new (70's additions) front parts using weather doors. I can investigate costs, complexity of installation, and such on that at least to a degree. Money, money, money, and all of it fiat at that. Bah!

This house, even with the rough kitchen, was an excellent buy for a prepper. It was suggested that this and these houses were excellent regarding heating and cooling, with the proviso that they take a bit more to initially heat if left cold (which they actually make up for by retaining heat). This house had been completely functional for at least 90 years without a furnace and possibly even without electricity or running water, definitely without those for some large chunk of that first 90 years. There are things which might not be as modern, then again I am not so sure modern is all that desirable. Real wood rather than particle board, metal plumbing versus plastic, stone versus 2x4s, sheathing, some sort of insulation, and drywall.

It is bedtime. I am pretty much letting that just happen when it does, at this point. Staying up today was a little hurrah into near normalcy rather than a definite trend. Still, 6 hours of sleep might see me up by noon. I may call my friend and see if he wants a visit and to look for a bit of trouble... or simply try to get some domestic chores done and use him and an outing as a treat?

Diagnosis.

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While I have always been a skeptic of the medical field, more so of psychology and psychiatry (and wisely), I do understand that those fields do offer what we have to work with in order to understand ourselves when problems occur in fields related to those fields. My problem with trusting those who work in those fields comes through empirical evidence from my own experience that diagnosis and treatment is largely subjective. One doctor will run a series of test and pronounce bipolar, another only a year or even a month later will produce very different results. As for medicine, they seem to give out medicine more in the hopes that they will no longer need to deal with the "client" than in any hopes of producing a productive healthy citizen.

Fair enough, really. Some illnesses are not curable. Some times people will not heal whether because the causation was to severe, the causation was too widely applied for too long, or for whatever reason. The part I do not like is the notion that they can help. They should be honest. On their part, they believe that medicating a potentially dangerous human to the level of a drooling imbecile is the better part of their understanding of valor... perhaps even their own safety. They might enjoy the study of the deranged, hands on is another matter. And, in truth, I am potentially wickedly dangerous. Not off the cuff or without reason but I doubt if they rate that. When those in power are weak and fear those they have power over, they tend to be jackbooted about it. Show me a doctor or psychologist who could defend themselves against a teenager and you would show me a minor miracle. (Part of the problem with a techocracy, by the way).

Watching a show tonight, totally unrelated to the issue at first glance, the protagonist however ended up describing much of what I go through. Further, the narrator went further in offering information regarding the protagonist's issues. Now, these issues also cover another diagnosis. What to do? *click* Off with the television and to the intertubes. A compare and contrast of the two diagnosis makes the thing a blur. I have been treated for both diagnosis, though only one is officially on my record.

Looking a little deeper, it is possible to have both diagnosis, though there was some suggestion that one will more surely cause the other, so much so that there is some doubt the diagnosis I officially have can even be fully implemented before the other diagnosis is present. Yeah, okay. Things actually make a bit more sense. Unfortunately treatments for both are rather similar if they happen to start at the opposite ends and decay toward each other's starting points. Having run the gambit of treatments, I am where I am.

Of note, however, is the notion that the unofficial diagnosis is the most likely culprit if the official diagnosis is even correct (not certain). It was first, exhibited in a minor fashion before the service, exacerbated there to untenable levels of effect. As well, my symptoms fit much more strongly with the unofficial diagnosis. My problem with getting things done has a little bit to do with my nature (dishes and being a guy, usually a disaster waiting to happen, same with most domestic chores), being disconnected enough to not have a sense of work ethic... or anything including physical pain, agrophobia or more agorophobia (if these are milder versions), and avoidance (which might go to either of those aforementioned phobias).

Okies, kewl. I might say, "So what!", and that would be reasonable. I am not sure this helps at all. It does not prove anything to anyone else. It does... mean something to me. It adds surety to some of my doubts. It connects some lines to some dots. Sadly, it offers no cures or treatments I have not used. Sometimes understanding is all we get. Much like economic understanding (assuming we are even correct) get us no closer to solving the problem. I suppose, at least with the latter, we are allowed to attempt to carve out a niche into which we might survive. I would also guess there are things, even if just peace of mind, which come from the former.

Yes, I danced around naming the diagnosis. Those who know me know them, most likely. Some of them are dead set on it being one, the official diagnosis. And, most likely, they are seriously mistaken. Not my problem. But the dancing was fun. Not in playing with you, more in maintaining self control and playing a game with words to be purposefully a bit vague. A little thing, to be sure. Not even all that challenging, mostly. But I take what I can get.

Addendum:

Future drugs

Many ______ _______ with ____ feel dead inside. It is possible that this psychic numbing comes from the brain making its own opium-like substances, and that opiate blockers can give people back their feelings. It is not yet clear whether this works.

I hope the future will bring a drug like clonidine (trade name: Catapres) that people do not develop a tolerance to. In my experience, about one out of five ______ ______ with ____ experience major improvement of almost all of their ____ symptoms on clonidine -- but the heartbreak has been that they grew tolerant to it in about a week. Any future drug in this family that does not induce tolerance to this effect will relieve much suffering. A new drug in this family, guanfacine (tradename, Tenex) has recently appeared, but I have no experience with it and have not heard any reports of usefulness to _______ ________ with ____.

The most helpful drugs are likely to be ones that don't yet exist.

(I suspected a natural pain killer, for several reasons. And, that last sentence is correct. Then again, maybe some things cannot be undone. It is odd, but sometimes taking aspirin or Tylenol will, then, expose me to physical pain I suspected but could not feel and yet not treat the pain. Pain I do feel is handled well by those same otc drugs.)

Until 14:00 and change!

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I did not get to much. Simply staying up became the task. Not that I pushed, I merely delayed. Waking starkly and abruptly at 20:00, I have been doing a few tasks in the way of research. Some information is actually difficult to find, some of it has proven impossible so far. I did find a very good site regarding storing water and container prep, but only after a good hour or two of fruitless digging. Most sites merely want to sell you (often inferior or overpriced) containers. I did fail to do a search on Survivor.com, but I will fix that shortly. There are so many ways to do things, but only a few of those will lead to an optimal outcome. Much like the roof, storing water and food could be as simple as just doing it. Results vary greatly and I cannot afford fixes I may not be able to do let alone counting on food that is not edible.

As the days go by, I realize time is counting down quickly. There are means of slowing the decent, reversing some of the various clocks which are in congregate counting down to the big fall, but these are merely stop-gap measures meant to stall. There is no fix other than a world wide control-alt-delete. The skeleton is so fragile it could literally collapse tomorrow and yet it might last a few more years. How steep a fall and how long that fall will last, as always, is anyone's guess. My guess, as I may have mentioned, is a brief but almost absolute fall followed by an upgrade to the 1930's (depression era, as well as social similarities). How long will that last? That will be the way of things for 30 years, maybe more. We will never quite be where we are today. If our government system falls and we turn to "global governance", we will be worse than that, more like Russian citizens in that time period. And that will last for centuries.

On the good side, the greens will get their people in place and they will immediately do what they always do in power... completely despoil land, water, air, and all they touch. Look at the places ruled by those who the greens support. And, the population of the world will be "...reduced through improved medical care and vaccines.", as Bill Gates is currently using his "charity" to see happen in Africa at this time. Well, back to research.

Update:

Water storage is pretty much covered, and without much to go on I will be mixing beans and rice, if not all or totally. I am considering how to partially bag the various types within the mylar bag. Trash bags, I believe, would be proscribed, having toxins or at least taste issues. So... what type of bag? Again, checking... Perhaps I am simply being to difficult, making the process more difficult than it is, or stalling without really meaning to do so? Maybe. Another issue with filling the water containers is... having the water softener means I do not want to store standard faucet water. I have a limited amount of water which can be gathered from the reverse osmosis system, but I do have an outside faucet. Now, the thing is, I am not certain where the outside faucet connects with the water system. It is close enough to be connected to the house and far enough away to be connected from the incoming water line. You see, it does get complicated. Then again, do I want to use city water?

It seems that, like any project and more so to a first time newbie, more goes into any action the first time than will most likely ever occur again. Even if, at some point, I change how I do one or many things it will merely be more like flipping a switch compared to building the whole electrical system, or adding an faucet rather than constructing the plumbing. And, just like developing the plans for those, then constructing them, the process of prepping really is not much faster. Given my monetary and physical constraints, this will be slow. Still, I am getting there. And hoping the collapse is further than I suspect, shallower than I believe, and that I will find my legs between now and then.

Almost 11:00 and all is well.

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Not sure what is up, but I am awake, mostly groomed, and ready. For what you might ask. Heck if I know. It is raining and threatening to rain more, so work on the hen house probably cannot begin. I might do some measuring, again, and try to... well, just doing that for no other reason than to do it again. Dishes are soaking. Laundry piles look at me like I ought to be guilty, but hey, they are all collected in the right place, even sorted mostly, and they are not all that big. Some things will be done today, for sure.

Not that this means I am finished with my snit, fit, or fall. It is just that I feel good today. Whatever is supposed to be working is working. That though only creates potential. This, as I have said before, is a difficult next step in recovering. Though this could be called psychological, it may just as easily be mechanical. Put a man in a prison for some indefinite periods of time. Let him go whenever the mood strikes you, suggesting it has something to do with behavior, though showing no real causation or logic related to the why. Drag him back to prison indiscriminately (or seemingly to him) off and on for 20 years. Now, open the door. Sometimes he simply will have no interest in leaving. He is used to the confinement. He might even fear going out and trying to get involved with the work and play of life. He may be unfit, unable to really become involved. Still, I keep trying if I cannot always take every opportunity.

I think the rain and the cool has helped. It was in the 80's, upper 80's, until this rain set in. The cool is very welcome to me. I was not sure how I would deal with the cooling but I do think of it as a good thing, at this point. Headaches have abated a bit, though that might have been going back on the bottle (caffeine type). But I think sleeping while it is raining is rather soothing too. Between the pitter patter of rain drops to the smells to the cool.

Sassy has been being a bit of a terror. Now that I have gotten her used to the outside, mostly, I have decided that when she goes on her tears, I will simply set her outside. Today was the first time I did it though I doubt if it will be the last. The only reason I did not do this before was because the notion simply did not come to me and I had not gotten her used to being outside. It seems to work. She has not learned how to play nice or when to quit play either, so my hands and arms are a little cut up. I think I will do this when she refuses to be nice as well. She really does not like going outside. I wonder if that will change, any of it. Sam, more than ever, loves the outside. I am sure Sassy is pushing her out. I may intertwine letting Sam have the house to herself occasionally as well. This is, after all, her home before it was ever my home or Sassy's home. Who knows with cats though? I am also letting Sam stay out as long as she wants. Which may mean that she stays out longer than she wants. If she does not return when it is my bedtime, she has to stay out until I wake up. I do my best.

Oh, I saw something at MAinfo which absolutely shocked me, and that is saying something. If this turns out to be true I think Democrats everywhere will be in much more serious straits than what they are already in. I keep hoping for updates or others to pick it up and flesh it out. Even if the deal involves Repugnants, I think the weight of it is indicative of Democrats and their 'legal style' (think E. Gonzales, and Cuba (spelling?)). This, if true, will change much. The Senate may well turn on this where it would not otherwise. Women, a Dem bloc, will not tolerate their babies being trifled with by anyone, and if you know women all babies are their babies (goes to skirt socialism, but that is another issue). Even left libertarians might go a little off their cool-aid feed. Stanger "liberals" and Friedan feminists (Stalinist) will not be swayed, but most others will be. But more, the rest of us, already at extremely hostile, will simply put our foot down. If, of course, it is true and as advertised. Waiting...

To the store I went.

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I think I even got the few things I went there to obtain. I ended up packing a serious amount of foods home, more than what I had intended. And I picked up some of the non-food items. I ended up with 4 x 5 gallon water storage containers, 4 x 5 gallon buckets, 3 neato-twisto lids (though I may get more buckets and lids, after ending up with what I ended up with foodwise), a handy multi-opening lid popper/twister (should get another one, at the price), 80 pounds of enriched white rice, and 40 pounds of pinto and black beans (80 pounds of beans total). I cannot be certain, but that part of the shopping cost less than $150. Further, in spite of having given up on finding glass freezer to micro all good everywhere containers, I kept looking. While I was at it today, I noticed sets of pyrex. I think the set has a 2, 5, and 7 cup container, with lids, for $7 and change, plus tax, whatever. Why did that get my attention? The 7 cup with lid is usually $6.49 by itself. Right, so I did check the price, looked at codes as well, and watched as they rang them up. I bought 4 sets. I just could not have imagined that much for that little. Now I can begin cooking and freezing meals, whole meals.

Yes, yes, I probably overspent. Given that I am simply trying to hold on to money, I did not go over my budget. It will mean I will need to try and be lean the rest of the month if I want to gain some economic fat, or that I can just end up with a zero sum at the end of the month again. No, I need some back fat. So, a boring month. But, that is a decent little grouping of buys, all on my list, and pretty much within my goals. Actually, considering the sale, I did really good. If I can buy the rest of the stuff like this, I will have my year of food by March or April, along with a functionally rotating short term stock.

Yeah, excited. The thing is, even though this has been on my mind for some time I am still unsure how to pack the foods. Should I (since I am doing a 50/50 mix of beans to rice) simply add a twenty pound bag of each? Should I mix them while filling? I really do not know. I will do some more checking on this. It looks like I have enough for about 4 x 5 gallon buckets right there. Next month I will hit grains, a mix of multi-grains, oats (not quick), millet, and wheat, some of each eventually. I am not sure how much of any of it next month, but I will figure that out by price. I cannot swear I will get everyone of those, only that all of those are on the list. Wheat of both types is probably the next high priority. And the one thing I would like to get in the way of gear is a grain grinder. More buckets, lids, and water containers too, of course.

I am buying 3 gallons of milk at a time now, on the regular food front. Splitting my milk with the furry pests is killing my habituo. I cannot leave them high and dry. I never really looked into the other stuff, the stuff cats can digest better. Sassy did outgrow her dirty pants smell phase and Sam is able to drink milk and not get sick if I give her an hour or two to settle down after being outside before treating her. I did not look so I do not know the price, but my guess is that stuff is awfully expensive, sometimes difficult to find, could be as bad as anything else, and is... well... one more thing. Arghhhh! So, milk it is.

Well, it is raining so I am not sure I could get to work on the roof today in any case. What I am trying to do is find out exactly how things are supposed to work during the installation. The three sites I looked over all had very different, and absolute, ways of doing things. Which, if you are a cynical bastard, which I am, means that you put the damn thing up however it fits and yell at your neighbor for doing different! Does anyone really know? No, they only know how they did it so that it ended up successful if they might know some ways that do not work too. Some questions remain. It was suggested, by the seller, that I buy wood screws while most sites suggest simply using roofing nails. Huh? I think the screws I bought are sealing, though who knows if that is in fact true. Since I asked and they are just in the other room, I went and looked. Yep, looks like they have a way to seal. Next, drill the holes in the valleys or on the ridges? My guess, being that I live in a dryer clime, would be valleys. Then again, this is for the winter. Does it matter for snow, I know it does for rain but I am unsure about snow. And, of course, I could be wrong altogether. I will... keep looking.

Well, that is it. I have some things to figure out, some things to do, dishes and laundry await as well, and... Hrm, who knows what else. If I can keep at it and stay awake. It still amazes me that, in spite of being falling down weak and unable for weeks that I can simply toss around 80 pounds of stuff like I was carrying two cans of soda instead of one. I had a lot of stuff to carry out and carry in and it simply was not an issue. Why? Oh well, I leave weird things in God's hands. I do have some questions, if they are not what many will ask. The secret of pi? Who I really am and why my gifts are so... odd, amazing, and often unavailable to the point of debilitation. How close I got to squaring the universe. Little odd things. And, yes, I think we can square the universe. Get right with God and if he wants you to do something, it will be done. We can be like Christ, we can do those things, that is merely physics. Maybe not everything he did, but walking on water, water to wine, even raising the dead assuming that is God's will. Those things are merely physics, somehow.

All right, enough blathering.

A few odds and ends.

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I called my last nag today. It was an interesting conversation. Many things were discussed and we caught up a bit on our various travails and joys, works in progress, and foods. She, as I may have mentioned, is a foodie of the organic nature. Her newest food fear, sugar. She is avoiding it like the plague. Fruits, like bing cherries, are her treats. This because her blood sugar was last tested at 100. Above that and she will lose her low premium for health insurance. She may be sadly surprised though, as bing cherries are just as sugary as, well, sugar. Or, close enough. Further, from my own findings, adding beans and whole grains does more to control that than anything else out there, and allows me even occasional excesses of pure sugar! I will discuss this when she visits. I will, as well, be prepped to let her sample some of my new foods. She did hugely surprise me though. She is eating *gulp* beef! She suggests that hamburger, some other cut, and t-bone steaks (T-BONE STEAKS!?!) were what she gets, and 50 pounds for $200 (that is not too bad a price if the distribution is decent among the types of meat, either, if I cannot tolerate grass fed beef well myself). Then again, I think I knocked her socks off with my new dietary groupings, more that I have controlled diabetes with it.

Anyway, I got some information from her so that I may purchase tickets for her visit this fall. It may be the last time I see her for a few years, save should I return to visit my mother and her in that time. I believe a couple of trips to some state and federal parks would be good. It will be a shorter than anticipated visit, so it is a good thing I called. She had last indicated a full week would be possible but has, she is a woman, changed her mind in spite of not even believing she had ever suggested, let alone stated, something different than what she is now suggesting. No problem and some things are not worth the hassle of debating, if they can be fun. Yeah, I know, but this has been part of my planning for some time. I did have to consider whether it would be possible or not, but it is, sort of.

The other thing of interest is to let you all know how much one, but even more two, pets help in even my crashed and burned world. Even if I cannot feed myself, they are getting fed and offered treats. My bathroom might need some serious work, but their litter boxes are kept rather clean. And even when I do not feel like playing, interacting, or even being awake, they have their ways and means. I suspect, in large part, these little critters are keeping me from too deep of a slide. Some of that must be this new land, some of it is my little friends. In spite of being in a rather difficult spot, I am thinking and functioning to some reasonable level... for a cripple. Plus, I still have memory.

I may not be sure how to break out of this ice prison I am in, but I am feeling lucky enough to give something a go again. A shower, a bit of a beard trim, on with proper street clothes, and I think I will head into town. Caffeine is high on the list, though I may only be able to get a small amount. At several stores it is on sale for 5 for $14, whereas what is open is charging $5 per. The trick, locally, is to check the ads. They really crush outsiders with food and such costs. The stores change who has what on sale, the rest is often outrageously expensive in comparison... actually in comparison to anywhere. Milk can run a $1 or more per gallon more at all but one or two stores, the soda thing, lots of stuff is that way. It's a shell game. Here you have to search the ads, make a list, and keep to the list. A serious problem for someone who has great difficulty making sense of ads, let alone visiting two or three stores when shopping.

I, again, have this feeling that I might be on the verge of making it to more function. Only time will tell. The last two attempts have been failures. However, those episodes have been recent enough that they may indicate a trend, like false springs invariably lead to spring versus indian summers which lead to hopelessness. It is coming, when is the question. It all comes down to jumping on that train every time it comes around with all I have and hoping I will eventually get going. I know, like the hobo, that I cannot reasonably walk from Chicago to L.A. before winter sets in. I will have to ride something. Even if I do not know what the train is or how it works, or even how to actually get on for sure, I know enough that I must try. *jump*

Gold.

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Maybe a few to a lot of years ago. Right now? It is the next great bubble. Unless you know what you are doing, don't play with the big boys. When billionaires are buying gold by the ton, do not expect them to be doing so other than to inflate and dump. If you do not have gold I would suggest you stay that way. I am even rather nervous about silver. I would love to buy twenty or thirty (face value) in junk silver, but at the charges they are pricing? A $10 face value is about $165, give or take. It should be more like $85. I would love to grab up a couple of saddle bags of the stuff, but I do not think that is wise right at the moment either. Speculation is a huge risk. Any one remember house prices 2, 3, 4 years ago? Yeah. Just saying. I know, I know, when TEOTWAWKI happens silver will... no, it will not. Matches and .22 bullets will be about equal to anything like a nickel or dime. Do not be fooled. I have to look at what would bring the best return considering current prices, and I do not believe silver or gold would provide that. (I would love to hear opinions on this though.)

Lots of things are on my mind and I can figure out what to do about few of them. Simply put, money time energy and ability are all variables I cannot quite find a way to overcome. Solar electric backup and subsystems, a well or even a cistern until a well, a large supply of various seed, a garage door opener is looking spooky, and rechargeable batteries with a good charger is dubious project. Still, buying extra items of food, storage for food and water, and the little things, are all moving along nicely. I am learning to sustain myself on these foods, mixing and matching if still not quite the way it would be in a total collapse. I have experimented with a small garden. I have done some work this summer. I am moving, sometimes slowly, in the right direction.

Of course, and always, in the back of my mind I wonder if any of this is even really necessary. Naysayers are not always external. This, by the way, is a good thing. The reason men die younger than women at all age levels is, well, because our naysayer is weaker and... because women are so hot we have a tendency to do stupid and dangerous things to impress or get over them. Marriage can handle that, but more because it is such a wickedly stupid thing (at least to our sense of destruction and love of danger). It might be said that marriage is akin to putting one's testis, women need not apply, in a vice and seeing how much pain can be endured. Needed, wanted, wise... Probably, somehow. (An example of my naysayer let loose on the notion of marriage, there, by the way.)

Well, off to do something or other. Just thought I would stop by and cause a ruckus. Hmm, might drive to the store tonight. I was awake, or more, woke up, in time to call and cancel and reschedule that appointment. I am almost feeling stellar on that account. Oh, and I may have found a way to obtain caffeine in a manner that allows me a bit more utility and variability with the stuff. Oh NOES! Oh yeah. Heh.

Sleep just will not happen.

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Neither sleep or wakefulness actually. I have zero regularity with sleep now. I am always too tired to really stay awake. When I try to sleep, I rock and roll for hours before crashing at some point. Caffeine has been off the menu altogether for days or maybe a week now. I am not seeing much difference in sleep cycles from that. Headaches are a bit more common, or I can feel them. Food was good for a few days. I think I ate well for about 4 or 5 days, pooling all of my resources to that end in the hopes it might kick over the engine. While it was tasty and it did give me a little hope for a bit it did not work.

I have an appointment in the morning. There is no way I will be able to make it. I am hoping to be able to call in ahead of time and cancel the appointment, setting one up in a couple of weeks and at a later time of the day. I have forgotten to get bananas and have been taking the pills irregularly at best, which is as good as I can do in my situation. They are not going to like the results but there is little I can do about it. I tried to sleep tonight in order that I might get up and go but sleep simply is not to be had.

Oh well, I guess some people just are what they are.

I made a mistake, of sorts, the other day.

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In a discussion regarding foreclosures, I had some fun at the expensive of banks and bankers. And, admittedly, I do wish to see that industry suffer for their misdeeds. However, I must also suggest that a slowing down or stoppage of foreclosures actually helps bankers. It gives them time to try and figure a way out. They may try legislative changes, debt avoidance schemes, or whatever. As well, foreclosures are necessary as a corrective issue. For any attempt to heal the industry, both lenders and borrowers, both who have used poor decision making, need to suffer.

Now, while I think things should be done with a legal flair, I am less worried about absolutist law abidence here. These lost cause debts need to be cleared. There is such a large number of them that, like the buyer who wishes to count every bean, practicality is an issue. Further, I suspect the banks are if not behind the push to stop foreclosures they are certainly now in league with those who instigated that. The choice is simple, if you like bailouts, continue. Socialize the home owning situation and just give people free housing. Business will not pay for it. The borrowers certainly will not pay for it. The taxpayer, again, will pay for it.

Further, it makes me question whether I should continue to pay my mortgage. If taxpayers want to pick up the bill for $250k to multi-million dollar houses, my mortgage would be nothing. I have to wonder how many other people are beginning to wonder that same thing. You do not want an avalanche of this. Do not go there.

Just a clarification. Banks, even though many or all were pressured by the federal government, which gave loans improperly, have to be cleaned out. If they go bankrupt doing so, so be it. Will the economy (given the state it is in, how it supposedly works, as is commonly thought) lose wealth? Yes. That is called a correction. It is vital that the economy be corrected. Some large chunk of the lost wealth will be from citizens. They bet on an unsustainable housing market and lost. *puff* Actually, the wealth is already gone. Acting like it is not and trying to slow the natural affects of it IS Keynesian. It is what many of us have discussed! Doh!

Well, that has been bothering me since I wrote my comment. It just takes a while to... get to things these days. I feel all better.

Yeah, sure.

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Backing off. I suppose what I mean when I say that is that I am not going to try and force a schedule. That does not mean I am going to simply sit by idly. I have a few things I might be able to do. Function is limited, of course. I seem hung up on some of the things I want and need to do, so... why not add something different and try to branch sideways rather than straight through? This brings me to a subject that might get something going. Indoor winter gardening. The notion arrived, possibly, just in the nick of time.

I was reading one of my wisdom sites when I happened upon something that did grab my interest. Indoor winter gardening. It seemed, at first take, like something a Floridian or Californian might do. Their winters are mild enough. But no, the author assures me she lives in the cold of Colorado, and mountains to boot if I read that right.

Her ideas seem sound. And, since we have not had our first frost, I might be able to salvage my tomato plants, and whatever else has survived. The rest, she suggests, would be best started from heirloom seeds, so I might be good. Of course, I have to examine what I would need to begin such an affair. The tomatoes and peppers would need to be stationed downstairs, near the big south window. The plants I could grow upstairs, as it is cooler but with plenty of south facing windows, could be started at any time. I considered building a trough or two, and that might work downstairs but due to the window wells, it might not be necessary upstairs. Then again, being too close to the windows might not work. A little trial and error there, however, might prove the best way to find out. I would need planters though, large ones for tomatoes, smaller ones of various sizes for the rest.

I need to go to the store for groceries, so I may investigate the price of planters while I am there. I think I have enough wood and nails simply left by the previous owner to build the planters and bits to use as stakes for the tomato plants. There would be no cost, other than planters. Actually, they left a rather large one of those too. So I would only need 3 planters, initially, for the tomatoes, and 3 smaller ones for the various peppers. I believe I purchased modified planting soil, though I am not sure it would be enough. Another bag or three of that too, would be good. Rocks for the bases of the planters I have aplenty. You know, that might be a project I could get done.

I will keep you informed. A shower, a drive, and I will know more. Groceries are calling anyway. By the way, as I shop, I have been picking up items for my short and long term food storage. Several gallon jugs of oils have been purchased, more cans of vegetables, more tuna, small cans of various other meats, and bits of this and that. I am trying to store these until I have a sufficient larder to add those into a solid rotation, though I did break into that during this falling out. I have replaced and more much of what I used the last time I shopped. The good news is, in my use of some of those items, I was able to weed out things I really do not like no matter how hungry I might happen to be. It is tough to keep up when I lose track. Considering all, I am going much more forward than backward.

Yes, I will tell you how my scouting trip went. If I calculate it to be less than $40 or maybe $50, I may jump on it right there. Besides, I have been craving plants in the house for some time. I really enjoy green growing things. Dealing with the felines might be a little tricky. Perhaps using a bit of spare 4x4 open (4"x4") wire fencing I have lying around might be needed? Is there a spray that is a strong enough disincentive to their investigations and mauling? I know ammonia, cut to about 1/3 to 1/5 with water, keeps dogs from urinating on tires and can be used to keep them at bay. Oh, and it being the time it is and since I will be out anyway, I will stop and pick up 5 gallon water jugs and some 5 gallon buckets and lids, I saw a place where they are on sale... if I have not missed the sale. It all gets blurry sometimes.

Backing off.

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I will still be trying to use time as I may, to do what I can when I can, but I have to back off again for a bit. Nothing has been accomplished in the realm of schedule control. What is worse, each seeming step forward leads to a more complicated inextricable seeming dilemma. I find myself, at 20:00, just becoming functional today. My headaches are back. Actually, they have been back for a bit, I simply did not notice them until I began a theory testing dose of aspirin. I have been in pain for a while but was too desensitized to notice. I thought people who forgot to eat were absolute fools. It hurt to realize I was a fool. How much worse someone who does not know they are in severe pain? Oh well.

Simple things like laundry and dishes have become oddities. It is as if my mind does not recognize the need and my body has forgotten how to deal in things of the flesh. I can, and do, think. I do have functional memory within my thinking. As for time, however, I have completely lost track of how that works, what it means, notions of it passing, or what time or date it is regardless of how many times I look at my clock or the calender.

Pressure has not helped. Financial order has not helped. I had hoped pushing would do some good, it has not. I had hoped as my finances realigned on payday that I would begin being able to lift myself out of some of the mire. That has not transpired. I am not sure what to do at this point. I am taking another little break and just "living". Though I am certainly not happy with that, it is what I have and I will live with it. On the good side, as I have mentioned, I am doing far better in my severe low than I have ever done before. I am aware. I have functional memory. At times I can push. My thinking, I think(?), is rather clear.

You, dear reader, can help me significantly here. Your sanity may be questionable, as all of ours should be. However, you do have the capacity to understand what you understand, see patterns, and form opinions. What I need from you is an assessment. Has my writing been... cohesive, logical (within my political beliefs), seemingly consistent, and well written (given my lack of true skills, or skill level, or such)? You can help me to know a bit better where I am.

Anyway, back to... the nether. Later.