Up before the alarm.

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So many people around me live in false worlds. They are professionals, so one would think they should know better. The medical community is full of people who refuse to look at the truth of their political yearnings, for example. Actually, I suspect if they were otherwise disposed, politically, they would not be allowed through medical school without being burned by the system so as to scar them into a very harsh cynicism (which I have also seen, it seems either a burned out husk of a once conservative or a psychotic Peter Pan fantasy liberal is sitting in front of me in exam rooms). It does not stop with them. Have a "mature" discussion with a teacher, or even a blue collar worker who also happens to be in a union. Even if he does not like the union, he fears it and protects it in some odd way (just in case someone hears that he does not like it?). Where does this end? I cannot say, but it is every where.

I sometimes feel like I am speaking to a world of junkies. Afraid their dealer will hear if they diss their dealer, they all skirt the issues or even praise the dealer, the drug, or the effects. Watch the news. Listen in many churches. Talk to the elderly. At least the young are merely ignorant. It is everywhere. What makes me dangerous is not that I have firearms or that I can use them, it is that I am not vested in the system and may speak the truth. Of course, it is this which makes me insane... to the world. My problem, I have never been different, even when functional. Then again, I think that is what was going to "take me places" too. I seriously was being considered for college and OTS. I just figured out why, actually, I think. The young, and I was, do not consider these things.

I have to hope that enough people in leadership roles got there because they were independent and strongly so, and not because they were boot licking populists or yes men. Crown Princes? Well, when they have severed their ties to the kingship through selfish fetishes of a political or sinful nature, I suppose all they have left is bitter populism as a hope for thwarting the surety of their historic failure? Politicians who know they are neither correct nor gaining popularity will seek destructive means of obtaining more power and enacting their warped will. Movie stars, singers, and such... I would guess drugs and some false populism. All they see are camera flashes, and the camera men sometimes. Their world is as media whores and they tow the line, or simply do not see anything beyond that. But typical people? Is it truly submitting to their fears? Is it lying to escape their truth? I do not know. I know it is all Hell bound. God has grace, but...

It is not that God cannot love, it is that we cannot love, holding on to whatever sin we use as a filler. If we hold our sins, even when shown the difference, being in God's presence would destroy us as we are inextricably intertwined with sin and God's mere presence destroys sin, thus us. We choose, like an addict choosing to not be a part of a healthy family, to be alone with our addiction. God does not cast us out, He saves us from ultimate destruction. Why so many choose to be alone with their sin... This, this is what baffles. And insane political beliefs, trust in genocidal policy, agreeing with what one knows to be a lie, these are all choosing death over life and then trying to use logic to bolster the choice. Logic has failed at the start, there is no way it can then go on to succeed to prove what it has already shown is false, so madness is the only thing that shines through for those with eyes to see.

I am not sure what was running in the back of my mind, but this post is the result. I still feel like I psychologically stepped in a pile of something distasteful. Hopefully spitting it out by writing down the conclusions will make the day a bit smoother. Good day.

Not good.

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Fever is back, the world is closing in a bit. Headache, fever, aches and pains, that grungy feeling that sickness brings, all piling up. I do not have the feeling it will get worse, only that this might be a bit of a lasting thing. No 24 or 48 hour bug. I strongly suspect the booster shots, one or both. I cannot get it cool enough or warm enough, depending on the moment. Foolishness. Time to call the day off, grab a little gullet fixin's, and crawl under the sheets. Maybe since I am sick the kids will be nice and cuddle. No, probably not. They do that at their own times and for their own reasons. Hmm, they both have the sneezes too. They have been sneezing for about a week now. Sporadically, so I have not worried. Ah well, nothing like everyone in the family being a bit sick to keep things on a level playing field.

Still hoping to get a few things done tomorrow. I am not sure how much push I have in me, but if things just happen (as I think they should and do when it is right) I may not need to push. Good night ladies and gentlemen. Sleep well.

Ad monsters.

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I received a comment today, regarding smoke cessation. Some bit about how hard it is for people to quit and that there is a tool to help, with a link. Then a plea that the comment not be deleted because of the link. Well, yes and no. First, they tried to comment on a very old thread, second, the thread had nothing to do with smoking, chewing, or any such, and third... of course the link. Some of these little monsters are just too funny. Then again, they never make it to public viewing anyway, but that is not the point. I just love flicking those away. I am sure I might miss some, somehow. I doubt if the sponsor of blogs is ever on the side of bloggers. Bottom line, regardless of anything they say, is their interest.

Another rough day but things are smoothing out. I am hoping to get to town and have my oil changed and a checkup done tomorrow. I suppose I could do it myself. The thing is I do not really have the tools for the type of checkup needed to go along with the oil change. Further, the little details are extreme tripping points for me. Oil filter on too tight or too loose, oil plug not tightened just right, resetting the oil change button. No, I will pay and if necessary sue. Besides, I truly despise getting oil and grease under my fingernails. I really do not know how they talked me into become a machinist mate. Even as a kid I hated that. I do not remember those days so I am left to guess. I doubt if they could simply have ordered me to do it though.

We all here, the cats and myself, sense that spring is nearing. Maybe not this week, maybe not for a month, and there probably will be some serious winter between, but we know it is coming. Sassy should be ready to pounce, Sam is definitely ready for longer outings, and I am going to try and be out in the yard a bit more. Nothing fancy, just figuring out what to do with last year's leavings. It takes me a long time to figure things out. Once that happens, they might still be a little late but the tasks will then get done much better and more frequently. Figuring out how to properly dispose of yard litter, leaves branches and such, is my current problem. I suspect I could save bundles of branches, tied into rounds, and stored. Though that is a bit of a fire hazard. So a little consideration about that might be wise.

As I may have said, another rough day. A headache and muscle aches have shadowed my every step and action. Aspirin has only slightly lessened the pains. Slow and still a bit tired. But I think it is improving. A little work on dishes as well tomorrow. Yeah, I might be caught up by the end of the week. Later or maybe good night.

The booster shots? Still paying?

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Whatever! Whoever is beating on my cranium with the sludge hammer, would you please cease and desist? *OUCH* This is day two of waking up to a painful world, and a bit more painful than these days usually are. I have suffered through this nonsense up to this point. Today I decided a handful of aspirin with caffeine was the way to go and will double that down should the gremlins not get the idea. My neck is stiff and sore too. I felt like I slept well enough, and that it was not too tight of a sleep, so I am not sure what the problem is. Though, still up early, as per the alarm, and pleased about that. I do feel really tired still, but I want to push this. I want to stay on a regular joe schedule as long as I can.

I am not hungry for anything traditional. The headache is one of those. But I remembered the orange julius I had the other day. That was so tasty I decided to have another. A odd concoction to be sure. It seems to give me sustenance without irritating my need for tranquility, or peace and quiet on all fronts, or something. I am not quite nauseous, it is just something in that general neighborhood. Since they have probably started pasteurizing every darned thing, I doubt there is any danger. Even if they did not, the danger is quite small. Besides, I think people ought to start not only living with a bit of danger, but outright choosing some. It is fear of anything that might possibly hurt you, your dog, your big toe, that is driving you into the arms of a totalitarian government. That, however, you should fear. Just... saying. Then again, fear that too greatly at your own peril as well. Balanced indifference, qualified and quantified fear. Fear your Lord first and most. But know Him well enough to do so properly. Hmm, orange julius' go straight to the head, even without vodka? Oh well.

Hey, have a fine morning and day.

Paying for it.

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It took a bit longer than I had hoped to come down and get to bed yesterday, though nothing drastic. By 23:30, if memory serves, I was in bed. Sleep was not long at all in arriving. I actually think I slept so soundly that I did not roll as I should, causing the slight headache I woke with. The good news is that I woke well, mostly. I set the alarm for a reasonable time and woke to it. I was and am tired though. I just took a nap, and set the alarm to make sure that did not stretch too long. Zapped, fried, fizzled, I am paying for pushing yesterday. It is not my body paying me back for exercising, exactly, it is more like battery cells which have been run dry. Trying to work and recharge today makes doing anything strenuous tenuous.

The sun is out, and shining "big". It is good to see and feel. We did get a skift of new snow, but the sun has eaten that. First it became a water slick, now it has gone to better places (someone else's soon to be snowfield, ha). Now, I like the snow so it is all good to me. I even enjoy the temperatures around here. Yesterday was a wonderful day. I didn't need my jacket, really, and let the wind whip it around as I walked outside instead of using the tunnel. When, in idle chatter, I discussed how nice the weather was, the guy I was speaking with had no interest save hoping that it warms up. Warms up? It... well... it WAS warm. I truly must be from another planet. Or he was. Bah!

Not much will be done today. Concentration is something that becomes strained when I over exert or simply when my batteries are too low for whatever reason. Still, the chores are getting to a point where I should have my house back into some kind of shape in a few days of effort. Even eight hours, or even six, I could have the place very spiffy, should I nose in and just work. Which means it is not that bad, just needing a lick and a spit, as they say. No, I do not mean that would bring it back up to bachelor standards, I mean it would bring it up to my Mother's standards (within my capacity to do so).

I just woke from my nap, not much else is going on and I can think of nothing interesting (of course) right at the moment. So, off I go. Have a good evening.

Sanity, from a psycopathogen?

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Oh, psychopathogen is my nickname for psychiatrists, psychosteins for psychologists, by the way. Anywhile, the answer to the question of a title is, yes. That is the first conversation I have had with any medical facilitator in many a year where I thought they were not being passive-aggressive, peevish, elusive, just plain lying, or all those at once. Huh. Never would have thunk that one. I am glad I peeled myself off the psychic floor and did not quit because of the foolishness I have been dealing with elsewhere in the medical community.

After an extensive interview he even suggest my problem probably is medical, not psychiatric. Oh yes. I thanked him for it too. Of course, as soon as I thanked him, he backed off and covered his butt. No matter, I got the "probably medical" right the first time, and so did he if he was not so sure he should have said it. I think he also came up with the reason medicine will not offer Ritalin. The fear of mania. We did discuss this and I explained that both anti-depressants and extreme efforts on my part, probably lead to those episodes. Still, that would not satisfy medical. So, what he has proposed is adding a mood stabilizer. This is not to my taste, but if they will allow Ritalin with it, and then we go back to Lisinipril and the water pill I was on, I will bite that apple. I am not sure how this combination will work, it is different, but I would be willing to put my skin in the game with three out of four choices.

Now, the deal is not done. He is merely a consultant to my medical provider, which is the Ogden clinic. He can only recommend, advise. So, I will set up an appointment there and we will see how that goes. I am, sadly, quite dubious. Still, this day has offered some hope that there might be something that works in the pipeline. Of course, it does not really matter to a degree. In three or four years I will cease taking medicines period. I will only take this junk long enough to give me a chance to regain health and condition through normal means. If that does not work then I will die. I will not be on medicine the rest of my life. Of course, that is assuming I do not stroke out or have a fatal heart attach in the time between now and any possible agreement on a medication treatment.

The first sensible medical treatment I have seen in years, and from a psychopathogen. Imagine that will you? Bah. But... okay. Well, time to tinker and come down. I had to press it hard to get up, get ready, get out, and get back. I need to kick it down before bedtime or I will ruin my three days of pre-sun rises and shines... well, not shines so much, but... It has been good. Later or good night.

It is a rough one.

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I did get the trash out, and an old batch of beans I have been meaning to get out for... a while now. That was one of the holdups on getting another fresh batch of beans in the works. Which held up rice too. Which... spirals into nothing getting done. A few different chores in a few areas not being done in a timely manner and I fall out of touch. Some of it I probably could do, but not all of it. And, when it seems too much needing done, something just clicks "off". Anyway, one of those chores is done, and the trash taken out too. As well, the kitty litter was tended as an afterthought, though I have been keeping up on that fairly well.

By the way, as fast as I go through kitty litter and at the price of it, say $60 a month give or take (changing lightly 2 times a week and adding in extra to fill, with a complete change once, a week is all) an automatic litter box might be worth the money. At $250 or so, with expensive but rarely changed out litter, I think it would end up being not only chore saving but money saving. Then again, who really knows. I am going to begin investigating that again.

Yes, a tough one. I have had to push and push just to get the little done I have done and I still need to shower, groom, dress properly, and make it to SLC. It just is not an easy day. Am I expecting to much to expect life to just sort of happen? Yeah, the extras might need a little push. But should everything require extreme effort? This is not new, this has been the way of it for 20 plus years now. It is not age, it is not weight, it is not depression, it is a combination of a sense of the need to sleep that is nearly overwhelming and a bit of confusion at times. Staying up for more than 12 hours at a time, without extreme shoving, is a new thing to me. Only in the last 5 to 8 years has that even been possible without so much stress to it I would become suicidal. Now I can do so, and longer, but at the cost of any real activity. I almost have to do nothing to make it. Exercise can see me to sleeping days at a time. Am I really asking too much to either be left alone or to receive the one thing I have ever seen that helped? Really?

Well, anyway, thinking about that gets my gumption up. Now to use that to shower and get going. I should still be there early enough, this time, to grab a bite to eat before I have to be there but we will see. Oh, I forgot to do the 24 hour urinalysis yesterday. I may just have to do that tomorrow (cannot today for obvious reasons) and just pay my own way into SLC. Yeah, I know, but a half a tank of fuel is precious these days, especially when the tank holds 18 gallons and change. I am a bit more flush this month, so I can actually do it. Just understand, everything from energy to money, for me, is marginal. I have to watch every nickle, every action, and every word, give or take. Costs... I often feel that I know more about how the men made it back from the failed effort to land on the moon than most would dare to think they did. Where they had to switch this, turn off that, funnel this, just to limp back. They were never sure they could do it and the odds were very against them. Even with the greatest minds working on the problem, it was a minor miracle they pulled it off. It was no fun for them. I wonder how they would have liked doing that with their own bodies throughout a twenty year lifespan? Tight, that is all I am saying.

Well, off and too it. Have a good day. I will rough it, and today, even being rough, I actually think I will make it. I am getting the sweats just thinking about it so I best get too it before I fail, again. Bah! Double bah!

Mostly good.

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Three days of seeing my feet on the floor before seeing the sun on the horizon. Pleased, I say. Self satisfaction in such little things has to bore others to tears, but it is what I have. I have an appointment again today, at 15:00 or so. It should be an easy one to make if one I am not looking forward to being present at. Still, it is the way it goes. I had thought, perhaps, to get my vehicle in for an oil change. I just do not see that happening. Time and complexity and doubt make that improbable. Further, I am not sure that trying to fit too many things "out there" together in one day is wise yet. I need a carrier agent for such doings, such as my mother, my lady friend, someone who knows I have limits and will... advise, support, guide, or such. Either that or I need to be in fear or have some other adrenaline inducing situation to help. As is I blare my stereo in order to produce enough adrenaline to make it through trips.

A shower, brushing of teeth and hair, and a bit of tinkering leading up to my exit is all I can expect. Though I may be able to leave early enough for it to be a comfortable trip. So much is involved in so much of life, I really think people have forgotten how complex life is because they are simply busy living it. If they had to choose between clean body, clean clothes, eating, sleep, and a few other things, and could only pick one or two of those, how soon would the world they know break down. Those are my choices. It takes Herculean effort to have all of those dials on "go". Even then, eating might have to be addressed in a less than optimal manner, such as by eating fast food. The body must eat to function. Period. Calories, when it needs them, are calories. It does not care about balance, fat, salt, sugar, protein or such, just the bottom line.

Oh, I had best get the trash out today. This morning, now. So. Later. Have a good day though.

The little beasts are ruthless.

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And rather bright. The cat types that is. They have learned, through trial and error, that direct confrontation with pop-o, in order to wake him, ends it little thuds and kitty marks on the walls. Nothing personal, mind you. And, whiskers in the face, while receiving no dangerous reaction, will simply find me pulling the blankets up. The tickles, however, do make me smile even in my sleep. Remember now, Sam and Sassy do not really get along. Then again, they are female, and feline, so... getting along may be something totally different for them than for me. So, when all else has failed, they have through trial and error devised a way to wake pop-o. Since they know I am careful with them, in my rolling and such, and they know that I cannot sleep well when I get too warm, they now cuddle in on both sides of me, keeping me from rolling out or shifting the blankets or such. It is cute, it really is. I have my own biological alarm clocks. I just have to remember not to put food out later in the evening. Not smart, eh? Collusion too. Sweet little pests.

A bit of a fever this morning. It has mostly lifted. A bit of a headache too, but that went untreated and is just a ghost in the back of my mind. My arms are sore, but do not hurt to use. I have been eating well enough, and drinking milk. I sure miss it when I run out and cannot get out. Milk, more than any other thing I have, is a treat every time. At two gallons a week, whole and straight and for years, one would think I would be tired of the stuff. Not so. Even in my teens I could drink half of a gallon at a sitting, if allowed. The cats love it too. Sam less so. Sassy is like her pop-o, at least for now. She gets two tablespoons of it three to six times a day and would have it more if she had the wherewithal.

Well, back to tinkering. Not much will be done today, which is fine. Tomorrow I have another appointment in SLC. They are doing a lot of tests, though this one is psych intake. I am pretty sure I am okay in this regard, but I will let them look. It cannot hurt and it should satisfy them that I allowed this to take place. Of course, they believe the whole of the problem to be psychological in nature. And they think that because they have not found what is wrong. Psychology seems to be the garbage can for medicine. Cannot find the problem, why then it must be of the mind! Admitting incompetence, or at the very least huge limitations, would be a good first start for medicine. Instead, they get people branded as lunatics for life because they do not know what they are doing too often. Bah!

The sun is out. It would be a good day to get out. I simply do not have what it would take to get out. I am enjoying the warmth and light. Of course, my computer is in the front room where all the light pours in, trying to compute. Computer games are a bit difficult to view in such situations. And, yet, I am pleased for the extra sunshine. There is no warmth like what comes from the sun either. It warms the bones, gone hard from a long winter. The sun certainly cheers the mind and spirit. Even the felines are prancing a little bit more. All is good here.

Have a good day. Get out if you can. Do one little thing outside for those of us stuck inside, would you? A little walk, an extra bit of work out there, or even an unplanned visit to your post box. I will be there in spirit. Later.

It has been a really good rough day.

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It is so odd, but when I work, when I function, I do. And it is so darned easy. I want to do something and it gets done. I can be sick and still do what I intend to do without fuss, muss, or bother. Thought translates directly to action and action leads to completion. Why it is sometimes so easy, essentially what most of you do every day, I do not know. Why it becomes so very disrupted I cannot say either. It just does. There is no secret path around it. Only Ritalin ever helped, and that tentatively, mostly, sort of... Still, today was an on day, for the most part.

I am definitely still feeling buggy. Either this evening, while I try to sleep, or in the morning, I am going to have one of those buggy bm's. Though the felines, for whatever reason, like visiting me in the 'lou', I have some doubts if they will stay when this come out. I am hoping it takes the bug stuff with it. The fever is lessened, it is just a pastel of the bright red it started as. The headache was mostly treated with aspirin, the stomach is still moody and the feel of it suggest that a sick bm is coming. The arms are feeling better too. A little shortness of breath, though, oddly.

They keep asking if I am short of breath. Well, no. What about if you lay on your back or go up a flight of steps? Actually, I use the stairs often, and since I am always on the verge of being late and many of my clinics are on the fourth floor, I can attest to the fact that I can do four floors without a hitch. Heck, I never lose my breath or feel the need to catch it when I reach my clinic. Though sometimes I do have a quick catch, though I attribute that more to worry about being late than anything physical. How odd that I am this out of shape and yet, not. Now, I cannot do sprints. But I can walk at a pace most people need to jog to maintain, and do so when I have a bit of distance to cover. Actually, I usually walk at a high pace. Odd, truly.

Well, good night. I wanted to stay up another hour, and I stretched writing this, but my stretch has ended. Sleep well, I am pretty sure I will. If that stupid bm will wait or hurry, anyway. Bah!

I think the "flu" is lifting.

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Then again, with me, there are usually reverberations of the illness, sometimes for days or weeks. I do not get as ill, or as often, as most. Once every four or five years I hit it big though. What I am going through is rather typical. A day or two of fever and a few other symptoms, coming in waves, then usually all but gone after that time. I am not worried about the preservative, actually. It is what is in the boosters themselves that I am never sure about. If I were strongly into conspiracy theories, I would be looking at that closely. Alien mind control, I would say. Fortunately, I do not believe in aliens or that we have mass mind control capacity. Communist countries would never change if so. I am sure they have tried. I wonder how many were murdered to disappear the facts?

Sam and Sassy have been enjoying having pop-o back. More attention, milk a bit more often, and less grump. Their food has always been fairly well tended, and their litter boxes too, for the most part. A few slides on that last recently, but... The smell gets to me even through the fog of exhaustion. They do work to bring me out of things. And, even when grumpy, they do not fear me. Bah! What good is being an ogre if you cannot even frighten a kitten! Ah, but it is good too.

Dinner, a real one, home made, and shortly. I did have an orange julius this morning, two raw eggs beaten into orange juice with a little vanilla extract (and some sugar, hush it is a rare thing). I did not feel like eating anything else, the system did not seem interested if it could have handled it. But now I am hungry. Chicken, carrots, and something... Hmm, might be a good time to make a batch of rice. Yeah, that would work.

Well, just blathering today. Illness, or more fever, tends to do that to me. Though I have those tendencies anyway so it does not take much. Later.

Not just sore arms.

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A grand headache, a bit of a heavy stomach, a mild fever, throbbing neck glands, and a bit of a sour note to the day greeted me when waking this morning. You just have to love booster shots. There are even slight heart palpitations. I am surprised they would give these considering my blood pressure puts me at imminent risk of heart attack and stroke. Then again, medicine is not really medicine, as we would like to think of it. It is a bunch of people doing their own little things with little interaction, foresight, or planning. The cynicism I see there is beyond contempt.

Given that most of the doctors I am seeing are women, and most of the medical I receive is more bureaucratic than scientific, I cannot but suspect that is all that can be expected. All you have to do is look at the studies regarding critical thinking and women, understand that medicine is purely about the patient, understand that emotion has little place in the medical field, and realize the gig is up. I hate to say it, but that is just the way it is. Until feminism is conquered within or from our fall, all things are going to become this way. Feminism will kill me, but I die knowing it is doomed. I guess that is enough.

I must be honest though, when I broke, I was pretty sure it was not something that could be fixed. Even animals know when they are doomed, and many have the capacity to stop eating and go away to die. I was unable to stop eating well enough or for long enough to die, so suicide was the logical next step. Given the cynicism of medicine, I am truly surprised they bothered to bring me back. I am guessing it had more to do with the doctor trying to defeat death and prove his 'godhood' than it had to do with healing a patient. Or, at least, medicine tries to be blind to who it heals as much as modern law tries to ignore as much as possible when delivering "justice". I live in a failed society, though that is nothing new.

Frustrated, every time I go there, of course. Still, I am pleased to have had a chance to find redemption. I am happy to live even this secluded, partial, odd life I have left to me. I suppose I am more frustrated that now that I have it and now that I have seen medicine can actually help, that now medicine has turned away from what did work. Or at least it worked better than anything I have ever seen in 20 years of a gimped life. I almost had a half of a full life and my blood pressure was down to 140's over 90's. That was not good enough for them, so now nothing is considered better by them. You have to see my frustration. I have considered taking matters into my own hands. As I have said, however, I know that will lead to very bad things. I cannot reliably self medicate. I have to have oversight, oversight I can trust. As I would kill to save another from damaging their soul further on this plain, I would die rather than see myself become a monster.

Well, back to tinkering. At least I was able to wake this morning. And I will probably do some more in the kitchen, finish laundry, and do a few other things. Small things, but they are the world to me. Just a little function. It is not all I want, but I will take the little gifts as I may. Good day.

Both arms.

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Not satisfied with giving me one shot, I got two. A flu shot and a multi-immunization. Tb, whooping cough, and something else. Those needles go in a long way. And, of course, both arms are sore. Of course. The doctor I visited was just another primary care. Told me the same thing every doctor and nurse practitioner I have seen here has said. Sadly, I think it is scrubs again. Something about, just take your pills and be happy. And, your exhaustion is due to psychological issues. After suggesting that the happy pills do not work and that I cannot take the hbp pills, she just rinsed and repeated. They have no ears. Do they cut these doctors out of styrofoam, each exact in every way? No worries. I did do some blood work, after all. Thankfully there was no need for fasting. And, I will, now, take do the 24 hour urinalysis. High salt until I begin the thing Sunday, and throughout that day. So, really, no good news.

I did check with the clinics (available) that I missed to reschedule. I see psych on Monday, Renal was not available to visit (only exists on Tuesdays), and I tried to reschedule the MIR on one of my organs or other but they could not do so without an okay from Renal. Okay. But I did what I could.

I have figured out what mania, or my mania, actually is. It comes down to the fact that I had to try so hard just to stay awake that, when I was not "down", and I could not just turn off the drive, I would... become manic. Since I pulled back and just let things happen, I have not had mania. Oh, and being off "anti-depressants" has helped a great deal as well. Those things are nuts when not depressed. And, whatever else I am, I am not depressed. I simply do not function. Well, that is my story. Further, I am pretty sure it is correct.

I told this doctor, as I have told others, the problems are not psychological. If for no other reason than that medicines do not work. They can hit a symptom from time to time, but they do not treat the cause. The blood work I did and urinalysis is supposed to be an actual examination of the physical, looking for problems in a number of areas. Oh, this doctor asked if they had not done a solid physical check when I first became ill. I said no. I was suicidal so was branded a psych problem, medical was bypassed completely. (Why would someone who just lost their career and ability to simply wake up and function typically not be suicidal, by the way? Normal response to an abnormal situation, at least to my thinking.)

I did call my friend as I was heading into Logan. He was happy to go out for a bit. I did some grocery shopping, then, as I said, went to that Mexican eatery. He had a meal I would not have contemplated, mango shrimp. That is the second meal he has had there that has knocked his socks off and he is still twitchy about eating that food. For my part, shrimp ceviche and steak fajitas. There is no room for desert, for either of us. Then I let him off at his place, scooted on home, gave the feline terrors some milk, tinkered to relax, doing this, now to bed.

Good night!

Without a hitch.

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Nice, or as the kids say, noice! Things are being tended, the laundry should be ready by the time I take my shower. Coffee has been going, on my second pot which will mostly go into my thermos for the trip. I called and found that I will not be having blood work, so I will be grabbing a spot to eat on the way. And, it looks like I will be doing just fine on time, though I will ask the restaurant to be zippy if they can. A shower, some clothes folded or hung up, another load in the dryer and wash, a meal, and I should be back by mid-afternoon.

Shopping and a meal on the way home. If I am not too terribly tired, I may call my friend on my way into town and ask him if he wants to join me. However, I will not dither on where I am interested in eating. Hmm, though I will offer to pay his way. I have sorely neglected that friendship, food and free food more so, might help to smooth the edges. Life and friendship is like that.

Anyway, just wanted to "Woot!" on my way. Dang it is nice when it all works as proposed! Later. Oh, have a good day.

After a gradual chipping away...

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I am up before the sun. I already have a fresh load in the washer, the dryer is working on last nights last wash, and I have fresh socks for my SLC run. More, I am going to try and kick out another load or two of dishes. The kitty litter boxes are refreshed and it is my intent to keep it that way. Today, tomorrow, or Sunday, I will give the place a better than rough sweep, and then mop. Another window is here, though I have been working at both getting it and then laying the groundwork for keeping it.

I dreamed of women last night. I have some idea of what indians must have dreamed when they dreamed of buffalo. Herds of women roamed my dreams and caused all sorts of headaches, hiccups, joys, and tomfoolery. To say it was a stiff night would be an understatement. I resisted and resisted and disparaged the notion. This morning, out of harsh need, I strangled the thing like a spring chicken, twice. Just waking up, probably should not have written that, but thar she blows. No, no, puns sneak in all on their own.

I am hoping to get those two loads dry, another load in the wash (which will be the whole lot, so not too bad), get a shower and trim or shave the beard, then head for breakfast. Oh, I had best call to see if they want blood tests, and if so whether they want them fasting. Simply put, I do not remember what was which. A shower was taken last night, and will be taken again today. The shower today should be nothing but refreshing.

I did not make it to the store last night. I often over schedule, more so the more I am doing and capable of doing. I have some kind of notion that being in three places at once, and busy in each place, is possible. Well, innit? Well, no. It isnnit. Ha. What I did yesterday was good though, and I am hoping to do the shopping on the way home. I will offer myself the treat of a meal at my favorite Mexican restaurant if I have 3 gallons of milk, a fifth of a beef, and some other things in my auto, once it is in there. Yeah.

Oh, in my dreams, I was asked by a women if I actually could love a woman. Of course, I suggested. Albeit, I told her, that love will not be how she expects or always what she expects, nor will it even be in the form that I might dreamily fantasize (not the sexual here, that is it's own animal and tends itself... of course, and from my experience my animal side does a good job). No, I can love, deal with, and as my part of it works, manage a woman quite well.

I am a bit hot about my guild in my WoW. They put together a group for dungeons last night, a guild group. Instead of taking the people who have put time into gearing their toons, leveling, and taking the hard knocks of learning their skill and doing random pickup games (pugs) in normal and heroic mode, they took their old friends. So be it. For me, it means looking for another guild. Or, perhaps, rolling my own though that would be more a long term thing I am not so interested in. If I had not been working with and for the guild a lot lately, I could even oversee that a bit. But I have been doing guild runs for lesser achieves, I have been helping other toons (characters) in the guild with this and that, and I have been working my toon heavily. They have lost a potentially excellent member. They did not even bother to tell me that the group was full. They just filled it, went, and left several of us hanging for over a half hour. Rude.

Well, on to a bit of tinkering while the drier dries, the washer washes, and pop-o and kittehs take in the full spectrum of consciousness, life, and each other... Oh... here, kitteh, kitteh, kitteh... Bah, she is being funny today and Sam is like I usually am in the morning. I ought to offer her some morning coffee too. Later.

A bit more, and more to do.

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Dishes are dragging on, but being done a bit at a time. I have mostly pots and pans left. Ugh! When all else fails, grunt. I will do another batch or two yet tonight. As well, laundry is on the menu. I need clean clothes for my trip tomorrow. And, one last thing. A shopping trip. Milk is a needed commodity, as is meat. Both of which are missing in my home. The one pot that is clean will be used to make rice tomorrow. If I get enough other pots tonight, I might make a batch of beans as well, starting the soaking process before I go to bed. My appointment is early afternoon, so I should be good for it. All of that is already underway, so I have high hopes. The kitchen was even swept and a few other minor details tended... in a rough for now sort of way.

In my recent dreams, I have been looking at people. Mostly watching as they, and myself, make decisions. There are intricacies and personal tastes, but these usually are not compelling enough to cover for really poor decision making. If there is something that can at least be given some blame, it is that people really are overwhelmed by choices, moral imperatives, and details of how life is supposed to be but is not, leaving us gasping for just a bit of peace and quiet. When one side is not poking you in the eye, another is kicking you in the shins, and there seem to be an infinite number of sides, none of which you are on or on well enough not to get poked in the eye. Just a bit of thought.

Well, back to it. Actually, I am mid-cycle on everything so I get to tinker for about an hour. Good night.

Pushing it.

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Maybe a little too hard. I do that when I can. A good dinner, more dishes done on balance, and a shove toward a regular day to night schedule. I am twitching, mind you. Staying up way later than I wanted for the second day in a row has left me a bit out of it. But that is what has to be done. No pain no sleep no gain. Ouch, and I mean that.

Tomorrow I do hope to finish the dishes, do a few loads of laundry, and sweep a bit. Nothing much... Just more. Friday is my drive to SLC. A thing I never really look forward to doing. Something I want to do, though, and need to do, probably. My mother called. One of her dear friends, someone who visited every day, died. It is being called a massive heart attach, though she has other suspicions... if natural as well. When you are poor, they just guess and bury you. Unless you live near a "learning college", in which case they process you like a beef carcass. I, from knowing him, am sure that being ignored was the better part of things. I worry about her when certain people die. I will, as I promised her, pray for his soul. But I will pray for her too. As people age, they lose more and more. Old hurts come back. The ghosts can become all they know. The world becomes smaller. So, I pray.

Have a good night. Sleep well and all that jazz. I know I will sleep like a dead man.

Speaking of chuck roast...

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I think I will just make me one. No, not for one sitting. I suspect it will last three meals and maybe a snack. It has been a while since I cooked. The dishes were in the way. I have done three fourths of them, and have the last batch soaking. They have been soaking for a bit. So, while the roast cooks, the cats fight, and the world spins, I might just finish those dishes. Once done, I may then begin my beans and rice regimen again. I know, it is plain. But it is easy, works in batches, and ensures I have something solid to eat even on days when nothing is working. A little milk and the micro revive rice and beans, together or apart. Add some meat to one or either and it's a feast. Butter, milk, sweetener, or salt, pepper, and spice make for some variety. And, after eating those things for so long, I am still not tired of them. Well, on to it I suppose.

I have an appointment Friday. It was supposed to be last week, but I rescheduled. I had some kind of stomach issue, that along with my sleep problems, made getting there beyond my ability. It is with the people who will oversee a medical plan for my high blood pressure. Since the doctors ignore what they just agreed to do (or not do), I need someone who can and will shut them down. I missed psychology too, but will reschedule that. They may actually hold a piece of the puzzle if they are not too twittery about it. It depends on what sort of therapy they have in mind, as I said.

Well, on to supper. Have a great day.

Cats, by the way, are three quarters insane.

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The last quarter is mostly feral, with just a spice of civility as a cover to the mad little book which they are. They do not need a reason to do anything, nor do they usually look for a reason. Sassy, especially, just makes up reasons to attack the curtains. Why, they are there, are they not? Reason enough to be sure, if you are a cat. Sam is still insane, she just does not feel the need to always act on it. With her, like when she vomits in my room and waits for access to sneak in and do so, there is a reason. Passive-aggressive grudges are the reason there. Even if she is just protesting her lack of access to the room. Which, under any logical criteria, would seem to undermine her cause. Then again, socialist humans are even worse so I will not castigate if I will make sure she has no access for even longer.

Humans are some of the most interesting creatures to watch, though I do enjoy my cats I know they do not actually make most of their decisions. Cats act on instinct. That instinct can be nurtured or castigated but never completely changed. Humans, on the other hand, have the capacity to decide, are armed with all of the tools by which to make decisions, and yet most often will choose poorly. I remember, as a child, being first a victim then the culprit in the scheme to trade littler kids a nickle for a dime, since the dime was smaller and the nickle so much larger... or selling the rights to feed, walk, water, and in all other manner manage my dog for a week's allowance... but I retained ownership (a sister, for three weeks, until our parents found out).

Adults seem very little better at these things. Including myself, though I am working on one part of it and some of that was sort of necessity. Oh, what is that? Credit cards, or really debt of any kind. How much you pay in interest is often double, triple, and more than what the item you purchase was worth. And, the worth of items goes up, at least initially, to cover demand. And, demand keeps increasing as debt is eased. So, you are paying more and more for less and less and never getting out of that hole. I do know people who owe more than I could pay off in a lifetime who make far less than myself. My house, sure. The rest is being slowly paid down. One gone last month. I did incur more, but needed lawnmower, weed whip, and a few other things. Need was not negotiable and other options (in my opinion) would have ended up costing more in both cash and headache (buying used, unless you know what you are doing, is foolish... the nickle for the dime thing).

Then again, there are people who should know, by now, that Democrats are purely against the constitution and the bill of rights. Republicans might not be always for them or with them, but they are not specifically against them. And yet, they keep voting for people who are exactly against everything the people are screeching about being the problem. They pick strawmen as their real enemies and ignore the only people with the power to make any real changes. My mother thinks it is the rich people taking away her rights. She is a smoker, and was (is) furious about losing the right to smoke in bars, for example. She continues to elect the very people who take away what she wants while screeching about the rich... I do not know... getting ahead? Yeah, something like that. Ignore, pull plunger, screech. Okies...

Well, I am about done being annoying, so will go back to doing something no one cares about. Still trying to figure out how to get going. That last window did close, but I got ahead and have made plans for when the next window appears. A bit at a time I will crawl out of this damned hole. Probably only to fall harshly back into another, but... that is life, or at least my life. This, unfortunately, is not a choice. I have no choice in this matter, save to keep trying or give up and move to a nursing home or something. Bah! It is all good. Later.

I thought it might work.

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I keep seeing little windows of opportunity, places where I might begin to dig out of this world of concrete ether I am entombed within. I tried again today. Oh, by the way, yes, I do have to see and sense opportunity or I will not struggle myself bloody and half insane attempting to do the undoable. Today was the day. So, I... prepared coffee, lots of it. I had not touched the stuff for a bit, part of my preparation for the next chance to escape. And drink I did. I would guess three and a half pots of coffee went down my tubes. Strong coffee, four to five dosers of beans went into the hopper per pot. And, it did make me wide awake. Wired, I think, would be a better term for that. I was able to do things in game I did not imagine where possible. But my bottom stayed glued to my chair. The one thing it did was allow me to stay up until 18:30. My record for the past couple of weeks had been 14:00. I needed a bit of a nap, and am just awake to have a bite to eat then hopefully back in bed in a few hours. Trying to swing my days and nights around again. In other words, it was all fireworks and no fire. But wow was it zippy fireworks!

Not much else going on. Waiting on supper, then a bit of tinkering, then back to bed. I will set the alarm for 8 hours after whatever time I eventually go to sleep. I think my days have gotten longer, is the problem, staying awake full 18 to 22 hours, then sleeping for 8 to 10. So, my sleep, at this point, is not inordinate considering the time up. When I sleep, I sleep hard and well. When awake, within my capacity, I function pretty fully. I just do not know how to back it off or push forward, I guess. Anywhile, supper is beeping at me. Some timers are nice to hear. Good... night.

Actually, I think, I am losing weight again.

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How, you might ask? None of your d... Oh, right, I DID start it. In the past, I would often go without eating for large periods of time, anywhere from eating once to a day to eating three times a week or less. But those meals were huge. The problem with fasting large periods of time, only to feast, is that the body then holds on to every drop of calorie it can, in the form of fat. If I did not gain weight, my body did maintain right at 300 pounds for years that way. I have been eating two meals a day. They have been relatively light, a 4 egg and cup and a half of cheese type omelet for breakfast and a couple cups of stew for dinner, for example. My mornings and afternoons are, again, on the swing, but I do have a relative morning and afternoon, so I space my meals. Then again, my stomach is getting used to being fed regularly and, just like the cats, lets me know when it is dinner time. (If I sleep a little long, Sassy will knock a book or game set over to wake me, finding that trouncing popa and trying direct strategy can have... unintended consequences... *grab* *wrowrrr!* *fling* *thud* Sorry, but I have little control at some points in pseudo consciousness.)

Anyway, eating two medium caloried meals a day is all it is taking. My gut, sometimes sadly to me, is dying... but not of starvation. Darn it, that was the only thing I have that was truly bought, paid for and then some! Still, I do not mind seeing it go. I remember when I could pinch an inch, but that pinch was over steel. Never could lose that last bit, but at 6'4", 240, benching 550, I was wearing size 31 waist. Yeah, so shut it. I know what a man can be, and lose. I will never be there again, but I did have a zenith like few men ever will. Sad, to think back on that and then look in the mirror, especially being crippled. Actually, it used to cause rage in me, which would push me to manic attempts to... walk. *sigh* That... did not help. Age and wisdom have allowed me to just remember and enjoy having had such a time. Still, losing some of that gut is not all bad to me.

Well, just waking up so I will get on with that. Good... well, day.

The death of the dollar!

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Oh really? I keep hearing about this. The dollar is finished. China will... find something else. Oil will be denominated in... something else. What, exactly? The Euro perhaps? Not a chance. It is destined not to decline but to irrevocably default in less than a decade most likely. All it will take is one or two minor financially troubled nations pulling out of the Euro, leaving their debt of course, for that deck of cards to crumble. With the rioting going on, simple fear of the peasants might leave no option. Chinese currency? No one outside of China buys into it, uses it, or trusts it. Even the Chinese government uses it mostly as it's play thing. They would never invest in their own currency. Oil, gold, silver, platinum? No, all of those are too volatile. Those markets are driven by the rich, for the rich. Even China knows better than to bet against their supposed allies, such as Soros.

The dollar is and will continue to decline. There is no doubt. But to decline may be far better than increase in value. Ask Europeans. Even setting aside the worry about the actual collapse of the Euro, just going by the relative worth of the Euro, it becomes difficult for the average man to split his dollar around. There is no latitude, fiscally speaking, for those on the margins of the economic world. Of course, devaluing such as what happened to the peso is the other side. I do not see that happening any time soon.

So, what is the answer? The answer is, the world goes into economic decline. It is global and will remain so. It looks like those in power have decided rather than to climb up, as a nation here in the US and more broadly world wide, it is better to decline. Governments, worldwide, are doing everything they can to stifle economic growth. Some billionaires are in on it. They get their margins and do not really like competition anyway. But the dollar is not going anywhere soon. It is merely being adjusted to world standards (of poverty). It will probably remain the standard for at least the foreseeable future.

Of course, unless we change politicians and get a good grip on the ears we replace these fobs with, expect a lifestyle not unlike that lived by those in China and Russia. Most will be on the brink of starvation with elites living like kings. Odd, in a nation used to living well, that so many would hand it over in the hopes of some sick notion like diversity. Most are so into their bags of junk (pot, porn, abortion, feminism and other egalitarian socialist ideals, take your pick) that they cannot even see the lies they preach. They are so into it and the untruthful world they have built around the junk of life that they literally cannot and will not see that who they are voting for and what they support has to by necessity of design take away their goodies. Socialism does not have enough to allow for such things. It is on the wrong side of the margins. If anything, that is the shiny side of the coin. Then again, nothing shines in hell quite like 30 pieces of worthless silver by which any man can sell everything. I guess I am saying, in other words, that shiny in some instances is fools gold. Again, put a bit more simply, the bright side of this is not so bright for the cost.

Bah! I need to get going. Good day... mostly.

Things that bother me to curiosity.

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There were things about Iowa City I did not like. Well, starting with about everything, then moving on. The exceptions were notable. Now, organic foods have no place in my heart, only being somewhat acceptable when fresh, good, standard food was not available and should I have the coin to toss in on it, and then more for special meals. The store that sold organics, the local coop, was a place I knew as my lady friend pretty much lived there. Odd thing about the coops, the people who go there are the most bitter, ruthless, nasty people you would ever want to meet... to include my lady friend, though I think I actually softened her just by extension somehow. Anyway... They sold fish and seafood there, mostly non-organic. And, for whatever reason, it was always absolutely delicious. Further, it was, for whatever reason, less expensive than any of the local markets, including the bigger grocery store chains. The odd thing? I found out they all had the exact same source for the very same food. Same source, same grade, everything. Could the quality be in how the food was handled, how it was thawed, or... what? Cheaper, honestly better, and should you need you could also (safely) store that food in the fridge a few days (though who wants that, but life does intrude).

Just waking up. I had fish last night and... it was retched. No, I cooked it just right. I bought the fish in a big pouch, but inside each fillet had been individually pouched. I thawed it slowly (I have tried several methods of thawing). I have not found a good, trusted, vendor of seafood out here yet. Still looking. Something odd is going on with the food markets. Not just here, but nation and maybe worldwide. I am, struggling with food costs. I could not imagine what someone earning half my income must be feeling. It could not be full, not often. Even those on the fatter double side must be wondering what is going on. Life is tightening to the point where it feels like the Scrooge is handling finances. And, that will make it so good food becomes more and more scarce, I think. Yeah, it bothers me.

A bit at a time, as usual.

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It started with just one thing. I did one thing that had been on my mind during a day, and as a planned event. It was minor, I cannot even remember what. But, I did it. Then, some time or days later, I planned another foray into the seeming unknown world of flesh. I planned several things. It builds until I am beginning to do more things. Today was, given recent history, epic. I will not bore you with the details, only that I have done more than I have in a month. And... I am not finished. I have three more scheduled chores and then a treat, fried fish. After which, I will clean the particular mess I made in producing the feast.

Tomorrow? I do not know. Maybe more, maybe no more until the day after. I would love to say, "Why, yes, indeed, tomorrow I will redouble my count and triple the score!", but I know I cannot say that. What I can say is that I try. And when it works, it works well. I hate to jinx things, but I think I am coming back around. To what ends or how well I never know.

Funny, I was thinking just the other day about when I thought merely keeping up on housework, cooking, shopping, and getting out several times a week was so flat. Those, if truly mild, were fantastic days when put in the proper perspective. Odd how easily we forget how fragile and weak we can be. And yet, in spite of it all, how strong we are in spite of even that. My resilience and strength may not be in those direct aspects, but in that I still care enough to give it what I have when I have it. Like the widow and the coin, though it be little compared to the vast gold coin the merchants and princes add to the coffer, what I add is more as it is all I have. Maybe.

Anyway, just thought I would share some joyous news for a change. Be well.

We will see, again...

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I have to push here. Waiting is not working. I am behind three different 8 balls and will have to hit it hard. Still, I am in place again to try. Like a revolver, I can only even try to fire within mechanical limits. It is time to see if there actually is something in the chamber this time, then whether it will take the strike and activate. Well, I know there is something in there. I just do not know if the primer got wet, the powder got wet, or such.

I gave the felines a treat meal tonight. I have been out of milk for two days. When that happens, I bribe them with a little more of the soft stuff they love. I will be going to the store tonight. While cleaning their litter boxes, I noticed something. With two boxes, they choose one for wet (mostly) and one for dry. That may not be brilliant, but that is also not to bad. Cats, for the most part, are of animal intelligence. That does not mean they are without reason. I am a bit amazed at this, especially with pretty much a kitty in the mix.

Well, a shower, shave, some additional grooming, and late as it is to the store I will go. I might even pick up something fast to eat for me. I really have not been eating much. Every other day, give or take, something goes down the gullet. When Sassy gets a little unhappy that her dinner is an hour late, I try to remind her she is eating better than I am. That, I am assured, is of little consequence to the little princess. Heh... Sam is much more laid back. She just lets me know it is time, then wanders off. To be back should telling me once not have done the trick.

Sam is a little smarter than the average cat though. She not only can, but does communicate with me rather well. She can pout, and does. She has moods to be sure. But she can think well outside the box as well. Sassy? Not so much. But she is still a baby. I cannot tell yet if she will grow up to be a cat or grow up to be a mini-person. Both remind me of children though, in furry pajamas.

Well, time to get something going. A little blog reading, a shower, and off I must get. Good night.

While I have been doing nothing...

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I have at least managed to level my WoW toon. From 80 to 85, from an AiL (Average Item Level) of... something to 344 (or gs from 5k to 7.5k), and figured out gems, enchants, and such so that the equipment is top geared within capactiy so that Cataclysm heroics are now counted as trivial (if the truth of that depends a whole lot on the group I PUG (pick-up game... think basketball court on the weekends). Normal Cata, as we like to name the recent expansion pack, are trivial. I cannot always keep noobs alive, but I can usually get even a rough group through most of the ground fire (if they are awake, aware, and trying I can keep all alive). Quite a change from my first attempt at healing. Then again, the devs (developer as we lovingly (and not) call them) had to back off on the harsh nerf of healers (they had restricted abilities too much, and to some large degree that remains).

I have 3 toons (oh, what we call characters in the game, and again, sometimes lovingly sometimes not) at level 80, ready to go into the grinder. The good thing is, since my main toon is doing randoms (both heroic and not), I have learned many of the dungeons. That is about a third of the game. Skill at using the toon skills and abilities is a third, and gear is a third. Though two of those can often overcome one of those, to a degree.

Of course, this has required that I do not just do something, but sit there! So, I have. Well, the option would have been to sleep a lot more, so I take it. Trust me. I went without gaming for two years. I had the same wants and wishes. And... I merely slept more, lots more. Television does not do it and my will is no better with or without games. Well, that is my update. I baked a little chicken, as I call them (Cornish game hen), and will be devouring it shortly. Dishes and shopping are on the list tonight. We will see. Oh, and I have been getting coffee in, more regularly. I am hoping to leave soda completely, eventually, but for now will keep it on hand for when caffeine production grinds to a stupid halt. Bah! It happens.

Later.

I have heard it three times.

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Three times, I say, recently, I have heard that I would be a good catch or something along those lines. Now, being a rational man, I stop and think. Ah, if I have heard this from three different people, two men and a woman, it must be wrong. I have so little to offer. I sleep a odd schedule. I am messy. I definitely have some problems. I am not violent, I do not drink heavily (or almost at all these days), I make some limited money, I "have" a house, but there really is not all that much there a woman could like. Attitude or how I deal with women and life is something they have liked in the past. Be the boss, they will do the work, sometimes happily.

No, it just does not make sense. Oh, I would love to have a wife. Fine creatures, if they put their mind to it. They are the only way to a full family and a major part of it. Not always the brightest tulips in the field, but their efforts and variety of knowledge bases can easily make up for that (think broadband versus high speed maybe?). Yeah, yeah, I dig holes by telling it like I see it. And yet, that seems a better hook to the free range women I have met than being nice ever will be. Attitude, at least without even meaning to be mean.

Just wondering what the heck people are thinking these days. Will they not let a sleeping dog lay, lie? Both? Anywhile, such talk disturbs the smooth pool that is the surface of my mind. Deep or shallow, I do like the surface smooth. Well, not really, or I would not have a cat and kitten. But that is the story that I am sticking with at the moment. Explain why you think I would be a catch... Crazy talk...

Good night, morning for you all probably. Later.

Oh, right.

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Someone has been chewing up my time posting here and I have not, until today, chastised her properly by adding her blog to my roll. Well, take that you wonder type! You know of whom I speak.

Okay, so my rocket powered re-entry into the world of the living wend ka-poof. I am still plotting my exodus from my frozen wastelands, though I am starting to wonder. Like the cat who (should say which, but... Sam is watching as I write) plots to get outside and RUN AWAY, only to, when outside, realize inside is... has... advantages teh hard-sh world does not, we both crumble. Only, I really do like outside. For... visits anyway. Whatever, I will keep plotting. I will keep trying. And who knows, I might just make it.

The weather has been fantastic. I really wanted to go out. Then again, where would I go and what would I do? I am no longer familiar with that world. I only know one human close enough to visit. There are things to do, but they all cost money. Hmm, walking. I really ought to get my kit together and go for little walks. With the warm weather, the road crew has taken the opportunity to clear the road skirts. Still, it could get really messy with traffic going by. Anyway... Plotting to get out without a plan to do something when out will lead to abject failure. Hmm, maybe a drive to Smithfield, a trip on the shuttle to Logan, and then a walk? Too much time, I get tired and... just want to go home. Very tired. Very quickly. Okay, WW, this is Mamby Pamby land. Ah, now I see it. It's... tucked in the details... innit? Yeah.

Anyway, let me... try to clear some baffles and get going. Yes, I know I am like a kitten stuck in a ball of yarn, struggling against my own prison... to a degree. The threads, now, are real. How do I simply walk away? Stuck. I am hoping they have some form of therapy that allows me to not unravel but to learn to not play losing games. I will seek this. I know it relates to a life of losses and pain. Stuff I cannot see or feel anymore. Ghost threads of teh killerz kitteh!

Reality is knocking at my door.

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Should I grant it access?

I woke this morning to try and figure out how to extricate myself from the discombobulated aspects of my near recent walk through the non-garden section of life as we know it here and now. Or, I am hoping this is the day I will figure out how to take care of some nagging chores and check on some bills and figure out what is going on with the V.A. Well, the world wanted to give me incentive and throw a wrench into the works. The hot water heater is dripping, down (and out) the drain connector where one would connect a hose to drain the device before repairs or replacement. So, I will need to figure this, too, out today... or... soon.

A shower. The first in... read "or... soon." above and you will have some idea. I lost track. Ah, but it FEELS SOOOO GOOD! I somehow doubt people who bath or shower every day or at worst every other day have any idea how good that first shower in 'x' days feels. After I do some waking up, check on some things, then can relax a bit later this evening, I am contemplating a soak bath then another shower. I love baths but, even if clean going in I feel grungy coming out. And I hate the hair thing. I cannot easily wash my hair in a bath. Baths were made for littlen's. At 6'4" and 260, most baths are tight. I get about two buckets of water in with me is all, it seems. Still, a bath is on my menu.

I have a question for you. I am battling, and losing harshly, my exhaustion. The caffeine I take helps me maintain an absolute scrub high minimum. I know if I add sugar, I can raise that bar and do more, on a short term basis. I also know that, sugar is a slow but sure poison to me. My diabetes seems to be under control through food alone. Do I take poison to gain altitude or stay in this prison of ice until it eventually thaws? What would you do? Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the lamest of them all? Well, do not just do something, SIT THERE! hah

Well, on to waking up. Have a good day.

Critical thinking waxing?

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Say it is not so! Anyone who talks to young people and many adults has to have come to this conclusion long ago. Not that it is a new phenomenon. It was just so, for the majority of people, for the majority of time. And, sometimes, it is rightly just so. A man who is living on the margins, even as a professional or craftsman or such, simply cannot afford to dream, not too much. As well, changing how he does things too much can be catastrophic, even if done correctly for the most part, due to social norms, tradition, and parts or other availability. It can become a tangled web very quickly. As well, who can or really wants to reinvent the wheel every single day?

Schools teach people to not critically think. They do not directly emphasize group think, they do encourage it for simplicity on their part. If everyone was exactly equal, save their pet smart kids who go into their pet smart classes, who are no better at critical thought but are more interested and possibly able in a few areas, life would be so much easier. And the smart kids can simply be led astray by the system's pet smart kid teacher. Never met a moral ap teacher. Then again, I only met a few teachers with much morals of which to speak. No, Johny, social equality is not moral. Bah!

Television does little to improve critical thinking. Games actually can, if you are willing to invest the time in slowing down leveling and learn what you are doing to try and improve your performance or tweak how well you can perform. For some large portion of the gaming world, however, it is all about gaining another level, a few more gold, or a new mount, ignoring any learning lessons whatsoever. They use cookie cutter builds, components, equipment, and either work longer or take longer. Though short cuts through critical thinking are as apt to fail as not. Actually more so. Much like academics, when it was interested in doing so, it is the journey not necessarily the ends. Looking for the needle in the haystack rarely yields needles, is messy, and can be frustrating. Besides, who needs needles? Either do it because you enjoy the hunt or get out of the critical thinking game. (Ever known a critical thinker who does not lose often? Self admittedly? Then you have never known a critical thinker.)

Me you ask? I try to optimize, when I can function. But I am no true critical thinker. I like to think I am, I can 'go deep' sometimes, and sometimes I can and do crack a code or two. But I would not wish to live there. It is intellectual race car driving. One error and you are trashed on the side of the 'mind road'. Your opponents do not have pity or sympathy. And, your work often comes to naught. I try to save those skills for the moral of life. How should I react to this man who just did so and such? Is forgiveness just to be given without it being begged? How does God interact with the world and me? Still, I cannot completely leave out things on terra firma. My flesh abides here, and sometimes my intellect. And it is interesting to tinker, albeit knowing I will never know all, most, or even the better part of a small chunk of it, let alone optimize what I know. Given that, there you go. Critical thinker or not, that is where I am and part of how I operate here. What about you?

Enough. I blather like a little girl. But the thoughts, when triggered, just flow. And, the questions begin. Answers roll in, but always bringing with them even more questions until I run a thing down to as far as I wish to go, spending more time than I want usually. Ah, but I enjoy the trip. Good day.

Oh, who says you cannot have it all?

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Hmm, I would like to say God. But, as I see things, He has given us everything including the opportunity to be His immortal children. I am not sure exactly what that means, but taken literally, it means an awful lot. No, we are our limiters. We limit ourselves on earth, we might nix heaven, it is not God who does this. Our sins, if nothing else, have lead us to the failings of flesh which might be our binds, as is my case. Not my personal sins, our original sin, is what got us here.

Blathering. Fine. Oh, but I did get some things done today. Not much. More than I had expected if only what I had hoped. I am again trying to dig out of the hole I am in. We will see. I feel almost like a groundhog. I wonder if they ever figure out it is merely their shadow that scares them back into their hole? Then again, without that fear, given their many limitations, the ones who figure it out and do not scurry do not live to create another iteration of the fearless sort. I do not, like them probably, know what my "shadow" is. But just as surely as they, it drives me back into my hole. Fairly I suppose. How many times can a guy die or be close enough to it to realize the fundamental reality of it before... losing his edge... or gaining it as some might prefer to suggest? A even dozen would do it, and that is about my count.

Still, I will sally forth as soon as I... can? will? I hate the cave. It is a good cave. It is, sort of, my cave. I have friends here. I have things to do. Being stuck, I would guess, even in heaven if one should not wish to be there, would be... difficult. And stuck I am. Sam. With green ham. When I... leave that out too long. Ha. Blathering. Tired. Bedtime.

Good night.

Crash helmet anyone?

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Pounding my head against the walls to try and get my legs back under me. I do have a headache and the wall looks sort of funny now. Legs remain firmly dispossessed of function. Well, that was fun. Perhaps I ought to become a goth cutter girl? Bah, it would not work, I cannot enjoy pain like the rest of you lucky saps. No, I will simply have to figure out the tangle and get one thread apart at a time. The threads appear faster than I can work though. It is a darn good thing they retired me. Then again, I do not think there was much choice. They nor I could change that.

I did do a few things today, and might do a few more. Dinner and a movie, something for the headache, trash out, dishes set to soak, again. And maybe bedtime if I can coax the neurons to cease and desist. It is not all that much but it would be a recent record level of activity. Just what else I have done today is record setting. I need to make a goal to get the house cleaned up, dishes done, and driveway cleared so that I can have my friend for dinner. Right after I win the lottery (which I do not play)? Could be, but that is... the focus. If there is such a thing.

Well, good night. Probably. It is good here, just a little frustratingly slow. Be well.

With the right tools...

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Coffee was good, but even two pots a day was not enough. Perhaps it simply is not the best type of caffeine transference for my system? It can give me a jolt. It is tasty, served the way I like it or even not to be honest and with the right basic ingredients, but it does not function to keep me up. Soda does, for whatever reason, help me stay awake. I would like to add coffee, maybe even to switch over to it. Right now I can do little more than stay awake. So, we will see.

Wretchedly tired this morning but I did wake before the alarm. I gave myself eight hours to sleep, rather than push right at this moment in my life events. For the second day in a row I was up and at it before the alarm. With a longer term goal to make 6:00 my waking time, I think my body is just trying to comply. And in spite of, as I said, being very tired, I am able to do this. I feel like a clown telling you about such small successes, at times. Anyone who did not understand would think it laughable. And, I suppose, it is. For me it is as big as a sometimes quadriplegic being able to move a few fingers. Which, too, is to some laughable. Then again, some people should be beaten around the head and shoulders on a regular basis, rotten to the core, as my father used to tease was my case. Tease? Mostly, generally, jovially. I tease, mostly, if not so convivially. Hmm, maybe he was right. Maybe I am. Could we both be correct? Could Beee!

I am not sure what I am doing today. It will be a test to stay up until bedtime. Perhaps I can dig into some chores, mail my package, cook some food, or otherwise be a typical human. For now my goal is to stay awake as long as I can on two of my eight cylinders cranking. I am avoiding hills, high altitude running, and even downhill runs in case the gas in my tank should reach such a tipping point that the engine dies. Steady as she goes, one quarter steam ahead, damn the... pillows? Yes, indeed. That is all.

Have a good day.

Odd?

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Perhaps. This whole thing about Gifford being shot... really, it is not of importance. If that was you or I it would not be news. And, so it is not, for me. If I am going to worry about people, it is the people in the margins or below them. People who have little protections, who have no power, who have never known even the level of wealth this woman knew, who have never known real success. These are the ones who concern me. Not some woman who pretty much had it all, as far as women go. No, that is not the odd part.

I keep considering the woman who is representing the shooter. That, to me, is odd. No, I do not hope she "wins". I do not wish to see that man loose. Neither do I want to see her attacked for doing exactly what the law, on paper and in spirit, lays forth. I do not always like the notion that people receive legal council which could free them from real guilt. I do not like that. As with gun rights and the costs associated with those rights, I would rather have a fair system in which some incorrectly are released than one in which there exists no truth in law. It is a price for a given outcome, in an imperfect world. I worry more about her than Gifford.

We are in a spot, here, politically, with real threats to many of our rights, because many of us (the majority) would not agree on a candidate. Then again, I think McCain was rigged in to lose. Whether by Democrats or the RNC, or both, it does not matter. Still, we did not take charge, put our people in place, get out and nix McCain, and we are here because of it. I hope we have learned. We will be paying for this mistake for the rest of our lives. The children of this generation's grandchildren will be paying for it. I guess our only hope is that they will learn from our failings and simply pay the piper without becoming a slave to him. We will see.

A good day today. My friend and myself made it to Ogden. He bought powder, bullets, and cases for his chosen ammunition. I found a book I have been looking to buy. We shopped several stores, finding bits in each. Then a dinner out. Oh that was good. The drive to Ogden was fine, the drive back was a little spooky. The pass, when it snows, is blizzard like. Winds are always going up there, winter or summer. A little snow and the road becomes invisible. As well, at the lower elevations on that side, it was raining then snowing. The fear of freezing was there. We made it back, safe and sound. I remembered to snag extra soda and another gallon of milk before retiring from the world for a bit. I still need to do some mailing, in time.

That is that. Have a good night. Yes, yes, I will pray for Gifford et. al. Sincerely. Any who come to my knowledge in such a fashion receive prayers. It is just... what about all those nameless who her policies and beliefs have maimed and killed who go unnamed, who receive no justice, who are unknown and often forgotten? Socialists are not high on my list, save as enemies. And, as I have mentioned, I pray for those as well. Done.

I am an offal man.

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Terribly offal. First tongue, now heart. I was really hungry tonight, almost could not wait to cook. I had purchased heart not long ago. I recently thawed it. The two, hunger and availability, finally came together to produce dinner tonight. I will probably explore other organ meats as I can. I would, as I have suggested, try fresh beef blood, so long as it was from good stock and such. It is an African thing, a specific tribe actually, the tall ones. Started, for them, with human blood. The blood of their enemies. Later it changed to milk because we Christians became downright Roman about the whole cannibalism thing. Most likely they are tall because of blood. Now, they drink it warm and fresh, sometimes (often) mixed with warm fresh milk. And, they do not kill the beast to get the blood. Interesting. For my part, I want the blood, the steak, the heart, liver, tongue, and brains (the latter I have yet to try as well, supply being... difficult due to regulations and such).

How was it, you might ask, and fairly. Well, a lot like tongue. It is more dense then liver but a good deal tastier. Liver can be, usually is, very strong tasting, iron maybe? I still sometimes really enjoy liver, not always. It has a taste somewhat unique, save for tongue I have tasted nothing else quite like it. It does not taste like beef really, more like a slightly spongy slightly meaty beef flavored mushroom? Yes, something like that. I will work on the explanation. I hope, like tongue when cooled and sliced, it makes perfect sandwich meat. I did not add garlic, but I think if I had it would have had a similar twang to it. Anyway, I am satisfied. As a diner, a cook, and a foodie. And I have another food possibility for the future.

Well, back to doing little. I did not get things done today. I did not actually expect I would. I hoped, I considered, I was tired. Too many days on the road have left me too tired. And I go again tomorrow. I will see to it the things I need to send are sent tomorrow along with the rest of the days affairs.

Good night. I hope you honestly understand that I personally and really love you. As a friend, kin, and just as a human being. No requirements. Again, good night.

Not better.

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The meds don't seem to be touching it. They put me on a bunch more today, and at first I agreed. Doc (new one) sent me down to pharmacy but they didn't have anything listed. On the way home, I realized there is no way I can take those meds. I will call pharmacy tomorrow and tell them to hold those meds. Until this one med I am on, which I seem to be tolerating, has a chance and until I know if I can even take it for long, I will not take even one more. These idiots are just that, trying to shove medicines at me, ignoring everything I am saying to them. If they want to put me in the hospital where I know I will be safe, fed, and comfy, with access to my computer, I will not do it. I might even give up access to the machine, but I won't go comatose here at home, I cannot take care of myself, my bills, or anything. Wait, I cannot go to the hospital, I have cats to tend, bills to pay, and such. *sigh* Oh, the 24 hour bp monitor they installed... failed after about 12 hours. I think trying to pump that high so often, and maybe it sometimes being out of range so having to redo it often, caused the battery to fail, mostly. It was not even showing the time when it failed, just a line of bars and continual weak attempts to pump every five minutes. Oh well, I tried. I AM hard on machines, and nerves. Heh!

Blood pressure was down just a wee bit, a few points top and bottom. I am set for a clinic which works with those with difficult to treat high blood pressure and psychology to see if more trauma work might help. I will look over what psychology has to offer. No groups, usually a bunch of momma's boys or sissy girls who piss themselves at the thought of being in control, and that is the therapist in charge. Not my game. No Freudian therapy either, talking, one way, does nothing. I will need interactive sessions. If they cannot do it, I do not need what else is available. Already tried it. We will see. Might just have to back away, slowly but surely, from "care" once again. These people are nuts, even the regular doctors, deaf too.

Oh well, at least I am getting out a bit. It has been brutal getting up and out. It is a tough time for me. Sometime tomorrow I am hoping to get to the post office and mail my lady friend those items, pictures, birthday card, and check. It will be something to do. One more day out of the house will be tough. And Thursday I am taking my friend to Ogden, so no break there. But it will not be on a schedule... Sometime in the afternoon, so I can sleep a little longer if needed. Same with tomorrow, plus tomorrow will be short and sweet. I might even just walk there.

Cats are mad at popo (me). Two days gone and they are not getting their daily recommended doses of loving. Sassy attacked me tonight, while playing my game, just to let me know she needs some of my time too. Or because she is just a butt. Hard to tell. But I gave her some loving anywhile. Butt. Sam is... just being a woman. A little distant, a little stand-offish, a shoulder turned away, yeah... I know that. Reminds me of when I could not remember to put the lid down for most of my thirty plus lady loves. Oh, more, right after she figures out the mechanical squat failure with a butt induced shower at midnight... Yeah, them were the days. Heh! Oh, by the way, I have learned. I keep in practice too. Though a week or two of quiet was nice back in the day. Just... saying.

Anyway, back to winding down (up) gaming. Good night though. I will pray for you, some of you specifically, as I know your names. Some of you not so much by name, but by being enemy or friend, good or evil in heading, in pain, in joy, in doubt, in hope. You will be in there somewhere. Good night.

Good and bad news.

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I did two things today at the hospital. First I was fitted with a 24 hour blood pressure monitor. Before they fitted me, they checked my blood pressure. That is the bad news. My blood pressure was right at 210/145. This made them nervous enough that they decided to check again. At 216/146 they quit. They considered keeping me, but since there is nothing they can do, short term, to lower it, they let me go. Then I went to ultrasound. They looked at my liver and kidneys. They at least look good. Well, I saw the screen. If they are that blue I am probably in trouble:p

Getting up and going was a bear. I was an hour late but that is as good as I could do. On the way home I picked up the pictures I was supposed to have out the door weeks ago, and a birthday card which will be late. Along with a little money, the pictures, the card, and a hope that she will forgive, I hope my Miss Persnickety will be... satisfied, mollified, or just pleased.

I am bone tired. The road seemed more brutal today than usual. Then again, because they were doing ultrasound, they did not want me to drink carbonated drinks or dairy. I just cannot quite do coffee without a little something something from a cow. Yeah, yeah, sue me. So I was running on empty. It was not as long a day as I had feared though. When I did have to wait, I just found something to read. I seem to do just fine even if there was nothing around to nose into as well.

You know, I am actually in pretty good shape for the shape I am in. And, other than driving sometimes, I am quite satisfied to just be. I enjoy the little bits of time I get to spend with people. And I do enjoy life, mostly. Pretty good for a grumpy old man, down on his luck, with poor health, and a lost mind:) It is all good. And, I know Christ, and through Him the Father. The Spirit is with me as well. Live, die, it is all good. Though to be able to do something good, just once, really good... I would like to live just a little longer and get to some function. Visiting death row inmates is that one good thing I would like to do. To be with the Christ that is in them, and the men who may not know or who may have forgotten.

Anyway, we will see. Later or good night. Another day on the road again tomorrow.

Busy week.

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I have two things today, in SLC, and two tomorrow. So, grooming, driving, and of course the appointments. I have some other appointments coming up but not until next week or even further out. As well, I suggested to my friend that we drive to Ogden Thursday or Friday, he thought Friday would be best. He has wanted to go for a while now. As well, I thought Saturday or Sunday would be a good day for a beef roast. Not sure which day, but one of them will see us feast in a minor way. Meat, potatoes, and gravy. I need to add vegetables, but only for me. He simply does not eat them, mostly.

I have to figure out bills. I know some are overdue. I took care of one of them a few days ago. Most are on automatic pay. But between problems with that staying on and those that are not yet on auto, I... struggle. I usually have the money, usually. It is merely a matter of staying connected enough to know I need to pay. I need to get those last on autopay. Though some are too variable for that, so... we will see.

I did call my mother. She was trying to nap. I honestly think, if she does love me, that she does not actually like me. It is not just a woman thing, though of course there is always that. I sense that, as a person, she simply does not like me. That actually does not hurt, just... is good to know. I might be wrong but I do not think so. I also, finally, took some pictures I promised my lady friend I would take. I have the pictures being developed as well. I will remember to pick them up tomorrow and send them, along with a (late) birthday card. Yeah, I do like her. I just do not agree with most of what she says.

Well, the bed beckons. I have been staying up much later, but today's doings, meager as they were, were enough that I need sleep. Oh, I have been tracking my medicines better, even taking the new one fairly regularly, after I finally picked it up from the post office a few days ago. I do what I can. Good night.

Yes, a rough week.

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But I have been triangulating back toward the saddle. Putting my foot in and going up as far as I can as long as I can. Piecemeal, slow, and backwards sometimes, I have done what I can as I could. I finally purchased caffeine in an easily dispensing form. Coffee production had come to a halt due to production complications. Still not awake, always behind the 8-ball, but still trying. We will see if I can make today a bit more fruitful.

I am hoping the docs have something because there is little I can do. Pushing is nice, but there has to be some kind of break, some 'new weapon in the war', some change of strategy. While I am doing a thousand percent better here than in Iowa, in that I maintain awareness, so can set goals and keep many more of them, I am still fighting exhaustion beyond what most people can know. Sleep apnea sufferers can fully understand the sense of exhaustion, but I have been tested out of that. Imagine having sleep apnea symptoms for the last two decades, full blown, untreatable, hardcore. There you go. They so want it to be psychological. It gives the doctors an out.

Well, a call today to try and realign something that got missed last Monday. When my other appointment, the main one, was canceled, I lost track of the little one. Ugh... So be it. I will do what I can, at this point, to amend that. Perhaps a bit more cleanup in the house, another shower and then a soak bath? Attention to grooming. I might even get a haircut soon, schedule one. I need to get up again. We will see.

Alright, that is all the news from the war front. Just have to keep trying.

Oh yeah? Yeah!

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Really really.

New page, next day, time rolls on, and perhaps more with me than not. I woke later than I had hoped, but within the timeframe needed, to get me to SLC in time for the first of several events there. As I am sitting there, just... sitting there but not going back to sleep, the phone makes a funny sound meaning someone is calling because that sure as hell is not a ring. One of my appointments for the day has been canceled. The other one is non-vital, a thing that can be done on any day, so I will reschedule it. I would rather not travel today if I do not have to. I am still in recovery mode. I will call them within the hour.

Not wishing to waste a lot of spent focus, I decide a shower and gum mushing episode would be providential, or something. The biggest word I could probably put together at the time I set forth on those operations, however, was probably more in the range of 'Good! It r good to wet!'. And, it was indeed good, might even have been providential. I might know what that word even means in... a while.

Still, even if I still partied like the party did not stop until yesterday, as if I was drinking like I was at age 30 or so, and is partying would earn me favor, fortune, and love, and feel like I just woke up from it, I think I know what the problem is and will be fixing it. Oh yes, I will be buying soda as soon as I can get out. Maybe today. If the snow has not hardened to rock, I will try to use the blower on it. If it has, I have new temporary concrete.

I dreamed an odd dream last night. A girl, young and foolish, decided to seduce her brother for fun, fashion, and as a lark. Of course, as many larks want, this one went wrong. She lost control and her brother could not be controlled. He would take her when he could, she could say nothing, she had opened the door. Now, her mother did not know who or what, but knew her daughter and was sure of one thing. She asked, as mothers do, ever so slight of questions. The door to the answers was slammed so tightly shut, no information was yielded no matter how passive or direct and powerful the questioning went... of course. So, she took the daughter on a trip into town. They went to a store where, she asked her daughter to look at a set of rings, promisary rings. When the daughter asked what these rings required as a promise, the mother took the daughter to a section of 'greeting cards', allowing her to pick them up and read them. Actually, not allowing but encouraging the reading.

The daughter picked up a card, and it read something along the lines of; 'Thank you for having decided to offer me life instead of the other choice you had, I am and will always be grateful for your choice and sacrifice...' and so on. Of course the daughter had thought of this potential. Of course it all was considered. But until that moment, it had no real context. The dream sort of ended there, or that is all I remember. That and a bit of horror on the part of the girl. Strange that I would have such a dream. Even given Jungian theory, if I have that right.

Oh, something else that has been on my mind... well, two things. First, the notion that one man, who spends his time lifting his mind, using it for all manner of learning and practice, might be considered great. And yet, not. Not only will he fall short, he may and probably will fall shorter than the man who simply lives. As great as our capacity for good is our capacity for evil. Even taking good and evil and simplifying it to wrong and right should suffice in this notion. The more man thinks, the more incorrect he becomes. Philosophical, logical, and linguistic function lead only to greater folly, for any man.

While I appreciate the art of these things, I would not wish to go that rout. I am, for the most part and given a choice (and when functioning) a man of function. Does it work? Can you repeat it? Is it worth spending the money to make it work and repeat? Deciphering the wisdom of ancient men and their works, while laudable in an academic (non-collegiate, non-university, academics that is), it is merely a toy for the wealthy who have the time and resources to devote to (quite often) nonsense. Aristotle? Tolstoy? Even my favored Americans (if at least one may have not preferred to have been called American) Twain and Poe? Fools, the lot. Follow, believe, understand, it is folly. Rich men, or men of leisure, with followers and someone who just happened to maintain what they wrote to some degree of accuracy or not. Men are fools.

Why, even Einstein and Freud have their devoted idiots in spite of being quite wrong. Freud has been debunked fully and clearly and yet the cult of psychology has no means of ferreting out the incorrect. They merely build a side study department for those who will not comply, a side study which is just as likely to be department chair or head up the whole of the pseudo science lead. Both provided theory which is taught to people who merely learn well, but who cannot see well enough to know what they are taught is incorrect or how, unless that too is taught, and that teaching itself is probably erroneous.

So, pick your heroes. Base it on whatever you wish. We all need heroes. But think about it. Is another mortal fool man going to be your hero? I went through that, tossing all save one. I look up and down at no man who abides my attentions. I will grant this one is a better fighter, that one can maintain a farm or ranch better than others, this one seems to touch on wisdom by choice, vocation, or avocation in excess of the others. But none are to be trusted or given undue grants of my sovereignty. I give nothing, save to one.

Just... clearing some baffles. Mr. Coffin, you may assume scheduled heading and speed at your leisure. Aye, aye, captain.

Some things come to mind...

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On days like this. I was actually starting to pick up and do well. Days were my domain, exercising was beginning, cooking was beginning, the kitchen and house were beginning to be maintained, and at worst I had an occasional hiccup. The last few days prove effort has nothing to do with it. Sleep and wake cycles have been completely tossed in the air. I have been completely unable to control when I go to bed or wake up, snapping awake at random times, unable to fall back to sleep, and my efforts have been true, solid, and pathetically ineffective. All I get for my efforts is deeper exhaustion and this wonderful mini-migraine that might be about to mature. Ah, well, what else was happening? I cannot say I am bored. Much like being at sea in a heavy storm, it has moments which are at least... breathtaking.

Still, there are things I would like to get to doing. It is much more difficult when the battering from the loss of control leaves me unable to focus, makes work many times more difficult than it should be, and complicates the simple idea of maintaining the focus to pick up my butt from here and put it over there. I have to take something for this headache today. I have been ignoring them, for the most part. They started, perhaps, a week ago. They have been intensifying. Though not quite nauseating, they are brutal.

The good news? Besides Jesus Christ? (just covering the bases) That would be that even if life is a little confusing, memory is good, clarity of notions is good, etc. I may lose focus, but I remember losing focus. And, yes, memory is that important and more. It does not matter what else you do if you remember nothing. You cannot set goals, you cannot push, you cannot change directions.

Some Tylenol down the gullet, a cup of coffee being introduced, and I will see about today. The only thing I changed was my consumption of (Splenda based) diet Coke. I do consume coffee, perhaps not as much. But then I thought coffee had more caffeine? I may, simply, have to go back, then ease away from the junk. Perhaps that is all there is to it?

Anyway, I might be all junked up, but I still think about you all. Your little mouse lives, walk through the stars, or whatever you want to term your life here is of interest to me. Must be cool, if sometimes sad, to be God. If he knows the bad in all of us, he also knows the good. The stuff no one else knows. I think if there was too little of that, if not by flood, He would again destroy man. He really would. So, be good for goodness sake? Yep. :) Later.