.
.
No, not steak, not by a long shot. Steak has that tender but firm texture sausage just is not able to match. The fat in sausage is usually a lot richer, or heavier, or something. Beef fat, paired with good tender powerfully beef tasting muscle is the best fat around. And yet I will never really complain about brots and some other sausages. The goods ones, like the ones I buy, are a treat of a different nature, rather than a lower order.
I have tried to cook brots a dozen different ways. The best way I have found to cook them is to boil and fry them. Tonight, I had two packages, so I tried frying first then boiling and the reverse, as much because I had the hot water left from the last batch and did not want to waste both the energy in the pan of water and use my own energy to wash and restart the cooking process. Curiosity threw it's hat in the ring as well, of course. I cannot tell a difference between the ways. Then again, when you are as hungry as I was, perhaps it is not the best time to compare nuances in food.
This gives me meat to add to beans, rice, or a mixture, or to just eat cold. Yes, hot with mustard or ground horseradish or cold as mobile food, brots are very good. Mixed with beans, rice, or several other things adds excellent variety and will fill you up quickly. The fat is mostly cooked out, being boiled then fried. What is left is just plain good meat, savory spices, and just enough fat to exclude the need for prunes. My eating of beans and rice has already done that. This just keeps blockage immunization up.
Now, to do a little bit of cleaning, put a load of laundry in the wash, grab the tire repair kit from the car so I can read the instructions and make sure my tire is good, then maybe a trip to town. When I have it going, I hate to see anything wasted. I have little time to tend to real needs, waste is trouble. This may mean a long "day", staying up to get to SLC on top of everything else, but that may just have to be suffered through. Besides, if I went to sleep now, I am pretty sure I would not wake up in time to get to the tire, which would make getting to SLC impossible anyway. What was it we said? Ah, right, hurry and wait... in the Navy. Either we had long stretches of little but the mundane, or we had moments of huge effort, lasting hours, sometimes stretching into days, where all feet were on the deck, ground, or wherever doing whatever was required, which was often more than any one man could often truly consider. Even the Captain, crew chief, chief, or whoever had to take advice and often contradictory advice, and muddle through using his balls, brains, butt, and elbow grease. Today is one of those days for me. Thankfully, no one will die if I mess up... though a bad tire can be dangerous on an 80 mph road.
Well, on to what I need to do. Though I think I am going to have one of those now cool remnant brots. Later.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Hungry.
.
.
With the notion of steaks on my mind, because of my intentions at the butcher shop, and being frustrated by mistaking the day thus expecting steak when it is not possible, my mind is on beef. Something I might find a work-around regarding until I can actually purchase then prepare a proper meal. Having said that, I found a post on AOS, which lead me to The Food Lab and an article regarding myths and truths of cooking steaks. Oh, my. Well, after I got over the pictures, wiped the drool from my chin, regained composer, and started thinking, I decided to read a bit.
Some of these things I have always wondered about, such as turning steaks with a fork (which I do). As well, salting. Alton Brown suggested, IIRC and I think I do, that salting steaks at least an hour ahead was the way to go. It is something I usually do, forgetting once in a while and just salting and cooking right away if I happen to forget. Well, it seems I am good there, too. One thing I have not been doing, but will do now, is flipping ever 30 seconds or so. Now, something I will continue to do is allow the steaks to get a decent sear before flipping that first time, and one each side. Let the steak get a bit of a crust. I usually let it sit about four minutes. I will probably cut that to two or fewer minutes, just letting the steak release before flipping. A bit of both seems better, considering my experience and other advice.
Oh, I cannot wait for that first steak. Even if it is raining and a bit chill, I think it is warm enough to fire the grill up and cook a handsome meal, meant for a man folk. Tuesday is the earliest possible, but knowing me, it will not happen until later in the week. See, even the things I want and love... are on hold. And it stinks. But, the steak is always worth the wait. Conservationism through procrastination, it is as good as I can do and more than I wish to do. Ha!
.
With the notion of steaks on my mind, because of my intentions at the butcher shop, and being frustrated by mistaking the day thus expecting steak when it is not possible, my mind is on beef. Something I might find a work-around regarding until I can actually purchase then prepare a proper meal. Having said that, I found a post on AOS, which lead me to The Food Lab and an article regarding myths and truths of cooking steaks. Oh, my. Well, after I got over the pictures, wiped the drool from my chin, regained composer, and started thinking, I decided to read a bit.
Some of these things I have always wondered about, such as turning steaks with a fork (which I do). As well, salting. Alton Brown suggested, IIRC and I think I do, that salting steaks at least an hour ahead was the way to go. It is something I usually do, forgetting once in a while and just salting and cooking right away if I happen to forget. Well, it seems I am good there, too. One thing I have not been doing, but will do now, is flipping ever 30 seconds or so. Now, something I will continue to do is allow the steaks to get a decent sear before flipping that first time, and one each side. Let the steak get a bit of a crust. I usually let it sit about four minutes. I will probably cut that to two or fewer minutes, just letting the steak release before flipping. A bit of both seems better, considering my experience and other advice.
Oh, I cannot wait for that first steak. Even if it is raining and a bit chill, I think it is warm enough to fire the grill up and cook a handsome meal, meant for a man folk. Tuesday is the earliest possible, but knowing me, it will not happen until later in the week. See, even the things I want and love... are on hold. And it stinks. But, the steak is always worth the wait. Conservationism through procrastination, it is as good as I can do and more than I wish to do. Ha!
I am no dunce, but...
.
.
Looking over solutions for similar problems and solutions offered online is fruitless. I found no exactly similar issues. I have heard that it is a software bug, a trojan, and all sorts of things. I swear many people out there really should not be offering advice, by the way. The ones who offered advice that seemed to fix the problems were ITs, and they were usually conversing with other ITs. The tools they used, the information they required, and the work that was done are all well above my computer knowledge paygrade. So, tomorrow the thing goes in.
As much trouble as computers are, it is a wonder that most put up with them. They actually bring carburetors to mind. And, as with those, only a few actually knew (know? are they still around much?) what they are doing with them. Take a carburetor to the wrong shop and you will very possibly end up with a paperweight. Possibly a very expensive one. With computers, there is always the possibility that a poor tech might blow every component in the machine, but that is unlikely. At least with computers, a good tech can usually fix what a bad tech did and fix the initial problem. The thing is it will cost all along the way and leave you without your computer until, well, until whenever the tech gets to it, as long as it takes to fix, and when he decides to contact you. The difference is, with a carburetor, you knew if it was junked. With a computer, they can get it to limp by and just seem fixed. You will never know if you had a great tech or a mediocre one, until it breaks again, and again, and again. Even then, it might be difficult to know.
At least the internet is functional. If I could do other things, I would probably junk my computer and go do it. Being exhausted so often leaves only sleep or computing. I would rather compute. Gaming, blogging, reviewing non-msm news sources, and researching topics I have hope to dig into or a need to know, the computer gives me legs, a library, entertainment, information, and some small connectivity with the people out there who are of interest. So, I am stuck. Bah! Failing tire and corrupted machine in the same month is going to hurt. I just hope nothing else pops up or down...
Later.
.
Looking over solutions for similar problems and solutions offered online is fruitless. I found no exactly similar issues. I have heard that it is a software bug, a trojan, and all sorts of things. I swear many people out there really should not be offering advice, by the way. The ones who offered advice that seemed to fix the problems were ITs, and they were usually conversing with other ITs. The tools they used, the information they required, and the work that was done are all well above my computer knowledge paygrade. So, tomorrow the thing goes in.
As much trouble as computers are, it is a wonder that most put up with them. They actually bring carburetors to mind. And, as with those, only a few actually knew (know? are they still around much?) what they are doing with them. Take a carburetor to the wrong shop and you will very possibly end up with a paperweight. Possibly a very expensive one. With computers, there is always the possibility that a poor tech might blow every component in the machine, but that is unlikely. At least with computers, a good tech can usually fix what a bad tech did and fix the initial problem. The thing is it will cost all along the way and leave you without your computer until, well, until whenever the tech gets to it, as long as it takes to fix, and when he decides to contact you. The difference is, with a carburetor, you knew if it was junked. With a computer, they can get it to limp by and just seem fixed. You will never know if you had a great tech or a mediocre one, until it breaks again, and again, and again. Even then, it might be difficult to know.
At least the internet is functional. If I could do other things, I would probably junk my computer and go do it. Being exhausted so often leaves only sleep or computing. I would rather compute. Gaming, blogging, reviewing non-msm news sources, and researching topics I have hope to dig into or a need to know, the computer gives me legs, a library, entertainment, information, and some small connectivity with the people out there who are of interest. So, I am stuck. Bah! Failing tire and corrupted machine in the same month is going to hurt. I just hope nothing else pops up or down...
Later.
Ah, what has happened.
.
.
The failure of my game does seem to be the computer. But a new hard drive probably did not just fail. So, what is happening in the guts of the thing, I cannot say. But, that is the problem as is. The hard drive containing the game is failing to be read. I will, on my way to SLC, have to take it in for repairs tomorrow. I will probably pick another shop this time. The last shop is fine, but a long drive and a feeling that something just is not right. So, I will drop it somewhere in Logan on my way to the big city.
I have, finally, started my 24 hour urinalysis. The jug they give is huge. I laughed when they handed it to me the first time. I was amazed at their optimism. I, somehow, ended up with two of those jugs. My laughter has turned to doubt. I may actually need both jugs. Perhaps it is the water pill, but maybe I simply underestimated how much volume a human typically voids. It took months for me to get to the point where I had a.) eaten a heavier salt diet for three days (as often I was not even eating), b.) set the thing up and had ice on hand as I was not putting the thing in my refrigerator, c.) was awake and aware enough to void first thing into the usual receptacle and THEN actually use the container. It seems such an easy thing, but when very tired all of the time, a change in basic patterns is very difficult to accomplish. Some things, other than just bill paying, are put on such a powerful automatic system, that altering behavior is a massive undertaking. How sad. Though I wonder if most people are pretty well automated, if a little more consciously able to create flexibility? Yes, probably. The eke factor of urinating in a jug is there too. It just seems wrong, somehow. That, of course, is medicine and science.
I am hoping to get more done in the house today. The dishes are all but done, beans and rice were cooked and put up. The dishes that remain are mostly from that. A few loads of laundry can be gotten to as well. But going to the butcher shop is not possible. I had gotten my days mixed, thinking today would be Saturday. As in all God-fearing respectable places and being that this is actually Sunday, the butcher shop is not open. All good. Still, it will not be until Tuesday at the earliest that I will be able to make a trip to the butcher shop. I am thinking about a run into town to get the other groceries though.
I seem to be having a tire that is going flat. The service department may have filled it, or overfilled it. The other tires were all at 40psi, 4 pounds over recommended. But the flattish tire was way down. Now, I usually check those and keep them at 36psi, so I do suspect that the tires were filled. The reason, though, that I have trouble believing they filled the one tire was that it was way down immediately. While when I fill it, it goes down over days. I need to get that in to be checked, but am not sure where to go at this point. Even at trusted places, it is best to go in knowing what the problem is beforehand. They see a noob, even so called trusted places see green. I hate to say it, but do not even trust you mother these days, not in some things.
Well, on to checking the computer and seeing if I can get that working, while I wake up. Then for a few other tasks. Good day.
.
The failure of my game does seem to be the computer. But a new hard drive probably did not just fail. So, what is happening in the guts of the thing, I cannot say. But, that is the problem as is. The hard drive containing the game is failing to be read. I will, on my way to SLC, have to take it in for repairs tomorrow. I will probably pick another shop this time. The last shop is fine, but a long drive and a feeling that something just is not right. So, I will drop it somewhere in Logan on my way to the big city.
I have, finally, started my 24 hour urinalysis. The jug they give is huge. I laughed when they handed it to me the first time. I was amazed at their optimism. I, somehow, ended up with two of those jugs. My laughter has turned to doubt. I may actually need both jugs. Perhaps it is the water pill, but maybe I simply underestimated how much volume a human typically voids. It took months for me to get to the point where I had a.) eaten a heavier salt diet for three days (as often I was not even eating), b.) set the thing up and had ice on hand as I was not putting the thing in my refrigerator, c.) was awake and aware enough to void first thing into the usual receptacle and THEN actually use the container. It seems such an easy thing, but when very tired all of the time, a change in basic patterns is very difficult to accomplish. Some things, other than just bill paying, are put on such a powerful automatic system, that altering behavior is a massive undertaking. How sad. Though I wonder if most people are pretty well automated, if a little more consciously able to create flexibility? Yes, probably. The eke factor of urinating in a jug is there too. It just seems wrong, somehow. That, of course, is medicine and science.
I am hoping to get more done in the house today. The dishes are all but done, beans and rice were cooked and put up. The dishes that remain are mostly from that. A few loads of laundry can be gotten to as well. But going to the butcher shop is not possible. I had gotten my days mixed, thinking today would be Saturday. As in all God-fearing respectable places and being that this is actually Sunday, the butcher shop is not open. All good. Still, it will not be until Tuesday at the earliest that I will be able to make a trip to the butcher shop. I am thinking about a run into town to get the other groceries though.
I seem to be having a tire that is going flat. The service department may have filled it, or overfilled it. The other tires were all at 40psi, 4 pounds over recommended. But the flattish tire was way down. Now, I usually check those and keep them at 36psi, so I do suspect that the tires were filled. The reason, though, that I have trouble believing they filled the one tire was that it was way down immediately. While when I fill it, it goes down over days. I need to get that in to be checked, but am not sure where to go at this point. Even at trusted places, it is best to go in knowing what the problem is beforehand. They see a noob, even so called trusted places see green. I hate to say it, but do not even trust you mother these days, not in some things.
Well, on to checking the computer and seeing if I can get that working, while I wake up. Then for a few other tasks. Good day.
Gold!
.
.
Gold, silver, diamonds, all somewhat portable and always of some value. Gold has been climbing, and for quite some time. The problem, as I see it? The reason gold is going up slowly is because someone is buying it. I thought Soros, or a few other billionaire types at first. Buying to get a peak, then selling to get rich. I now suspect China, OPEC, maybe Russia, or all of them. Though I suspect China specifically and more deeply. I think they thought oil at first, then gold, would buy them out from under the dollar, and allow them the crush the dollar. Now, actually, I think they are trapped. I am sure some pharaohs might have felt the same, should they have not actually been dead when entombed. Midas had to, eventually, have known that feeling if I do not remember how that story actually ended.
I would not buy into gold. If I had gold, I would truly consider selling it. The thing is, what is safe to put one's money into. What will keep it safe? The answer? Nothing static. Buy beans when they are down, sell them for gold on a slight rise, sell that when it peaks and cash out. Even if you owned a billion dollars worth of beans in a starving nation, what would people pay you with for the beans? If I were rich I would be scared. Especially when governments and very wealthy ideological actors are first trying to get your money then make it so there is no secure way in which to make more, or wealth really.
Being poorish is no great boon in that I cannot properly prepare quickly enough for an inevitable bottoming out of all and everything. This and that, sure. Those and these, okay. But all in small quantities, not sorted or stored the best, as good as I can do with condition and available income. Still, I will not lose billions, or millions, or... really anything but a rather humble income. I may be king among cripples, financially, but that is not saying all that much.
No, anything you might go into because it is on the rise is being used as a vehicle by someone far richer to corner. You will most likely be cornered. Do not borrow from the bank and do not bet against the house. If I really did have a ton of money, arms, bullets, food, and a secure place would be among the things I would be looking into. I see so many looking for a huge spread, far removed from neighbors, in rugged but tillable arable land. Really? Unless you also have a small army, one which you can control when money is worthless, I think of that as becoming a rabbit in a trap. Small, conservative, towns. Towns near good sources of water, potable water. And perhaps horses, or if rich enough solid vehicles, fuel and oil dumps, and a part depot.
I can only imagine the first time the truly rich begin being burgled by hungry mobs, asking their favorite CNN reporters why these people do not just eat Arugula. The surprised look on their faces as the thieves stand bold faced and tell the rich they owe the poor, then slaughter them as well. Of course, these same will take from any who are weak, and whatever they want while they have the power. Do not call 911. If you are weak, take the same advice I gave the rich. As is, in spite of being crippled, I am not weak. And, I took my own advice.
I am not sure how I am going to go about fitting in, here, though. I really am crippled. These people work, hard working at that. They are always doing something for pay, for their families, for themselves. I... sit. And watch. We will see, maybe I can get to doing more. The Lord knows it is in my heart if not in my body to "do". Nailing or cutting boards, building a cabinet or wielding iron or steel, washing dishes or cooking... I like doing these things. And I love to tinker, fix, break, and examine things. I am the right man in the right place with a broken body. But, I am here. That is a start.
.
Gold, silver, diamonds, all somewhat portable and always of some value. Gold has been climbing, and for quite some time. The problem, as I see it? The reason gold is going up slowly is because someone is buying it. I thought Soros, or a few other billionaire types at first. Buying to get a peak, then selling to get rich. I now suspect China, OPEC, maybe Russia, or all of them. Though I suspect China specifically and more deeply. I think they thought oil at first, then gold, would buy them out from under the dollar, and allow them the crush the dollar. Now, actually, I think they are trapped. I am sure some pharaohs might have felt the same, should they have not actually been dead when entombed. Midas had to, eventually, have known that feeling if I do not remember how that story actually ended.
I would not buy into gold. If I had gold, I would truly consider selling it. The thing is, what is safe to put one's money into. What will keep it safe? The answer? Nothing static. Buy beans when they are down, sell them for gold on a slight rise, sell that when it peaks and cash out. Even if you owned a billion dollars worth of beans in a starving nation, what would people pay you with for the beans? If I were rich I would be scared. Especially when governments and very wealthy ideological actors are first trying to get your money then make it so there is no secure way in which to make more, or wealth really.
Being poorish is no great boon in that I cannot properly prepare quickly enough for an inevitable bottoming out of all and everything. This and that, sure. Those and these, okay. But all in small quantities, not sorted or stored the best, as good as I can do with condition and available income. Still, I will not lose billions, or millions, or... really anything but a rather humble income. I may be king among cripples, financially, but that is not saying all that much.
No, anything you might go into because it is on the rise is being used as a vehicle by someone far richer to corner. You will most likely be cornered. Do not borrow from the bank and do not bet against the house. If I really did have a ton of money, arms, bullets, food, and a secure place would be among the things I would be looking into. I see so many looking for a huge spread, far removed from neighbors, in rugged but tillable arable land. Really? Unless you also have a small army, one which you can control when money is worthless, I think of that as becoming a rabbit in a trap. Small, conservative, towns. Towns near good sources of water, potable water. And perhaps horses, or if rich enough solid vehicles, fuel and oil dumps, and a part depot.
I can only imagine the first time the truly rich begin being burgled by hungry mobs, asking their favorite CNN reporters why these people do not just eat Arugula. The surprised look on their faces as the thieves stand bold faced and tell the rich they owe the poor, then slaughter them as well. Of course, these same will take from any who are weak, and whatever they want while they have the power. Do not call 911. If you are weak, take the same advice I gave the rich. As is, in spite of being crippled, I am not weak. And, I took my own advice.
I am not sure how I am going to go about fitting in, here, though. I really am crippled. These people work, hard working at that. They are always doing something for pay, for their families, for themselves. I... sit. And watch. We will see, maybe I can get to doing more. The Lord knows it is in my heart if not in my body to "do". Nailing or cutting boards, building a cabinet or wielding iron or steel, washing dishes or cooking... I like doing these things. And I love to tinker, fix, break, and examine things. I am the right man in the right place with a broken body. But, I am here. That is a start.
Computer troubles.
.
.
My internet works but my internet game and a voice communication for it do not. Actually, this happened late (or early as the case actually is) yesterday (or this morning, identifying then communicating a particular day(s) gets messy when sleep is disrupted). My computer is telling me that the drive or network connection to my game and the subprogram have failed or are not working. And, as I said, I can still get on the internet. I have a group of suspects, since it seems to be on then off again. I suspect WoW itself, the owners or operators depending on which of those would be morally blamed. I also wonder about my ISP, they hate bandwidth chewing games. And, possibly, a hacker who read my post and thought to "lend a hand". No, it probably is not the computer. I do need a new computer, for security if nothing else.
To be sure, any MS system has built in security back doors for themselves and the government, and probably any corporation with deep enough pockets to buy the keys. Which means your average bored teenager will find it eventually. But with XP, MS has pretty much decided to kick that os to the curb so are just as likely fostering hacks for it as anything else. Not that I think there is anything wrong with a company of hackers, weighing in on politics, possibly blackmailing politicians for this or that, involved with corporate spying, or hacking into people's personal lives and purposefully exposing them to vulnerabilities because they cannot afford a new system (if that is what they are doing, of course). No, no concerns there at all. Well, a newer system is what is required, in any case, for what little security is to be had.
Grumble, mumble, bitch, and moan.
Gimme a dolla!
(That was a joke... as you may note, you have no way to give me a dollar and I like it like that... I am not for sale.)
As for someone giving me a hand? It does not work. I only have so much energy, no matter what else is happening. Without my game, I will simply begin sleeping more, offering me zero chance to possibly get to anything rather than the slim chance I currently have. If it is you, knock it off. If it is not, find who did it and let me know. I will do the dirty work, and gladly. Just, have evidence. Bah!
.
My internet works but my internet game and a voice communication for it do not. Actually, this happened late (or early as the case actually is) yesterday (or this morning, identifying then communicating a particular day(s) gets messy when sleep is disrupted). My computer is telling me that the drive or network connection to my game and the subprogram have failed or are not working. And, as I said, I can still get on the internet. I have a group of suspects, since it seems to be on then off again. I suspect WoW itself, the owners or operators depending on which of those would be morally blamed. I also wonder about my ISP, they hate bandwidth chewing games. And, possibly, a hacker who read my post and thought to "lend a hand". No, it probably is not the computer. I do need a new computer, for security if nothing else.
To be sure, any MS system has built in security back doors for themselves and the government, and probably any corporation with deep enough pockets to buy the keys. Which means your average bored teenager will find it eventually. But with XP, MS has pretty much decided to kick that os to the curb so are just as likely fostering hacks for it as anything else. Not that I think there is anything wrong with a company of hackers, weighing in on politics, possibly blackmailing politicians for this or that, involved with corporate spying, or hacking into people's personal lives and purposefully exposing them to vulnerabilities because they cannot afford a new system (if that is what they are doing, of course). No, no concerns there at all. Well, a newer system is what is required, in any case, for what little security is to be had.
Grumble, mumble, bitch, and moan.
Gimme a dolla!
(That was a joke... as you may note, you have no way to give me a dollar and I like it like that... I am not for sale.)
As for someone giving me a hand? It does not work. I only have so much energy, no matter what else is happening. Without my game, I will simply begin sleeping more, offering me zero chance to possibly get to anything rather than the slim chance I currently have. If it is you, knock it off. If it is not, find who did it and let me know. I will do the dirty work, and gladly. Just, have evidence. Bah!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Beans and rice.
.
.
And cleaning too. Not a lot, but enough cleaning to get to the bean pot. There are just a small number of dishes left to be done. Cans have been sorted, some tidying has been done, but the heavier cleaning waits, languishes. The rice is cooked and cooling, the beans are finishing their cooking. I already had a small bowl of rice, butter, salt, and pepper. Numm! I really do like brown rice.
I tried short grain, to be different, this time. I currently have short and long grain rice on hand. Honestly, I cannot tell any real difference between long, medium, and short grain rice. Even in a visual inspection, it would take an uptight lefty or farmer to tell the difference, really. I did not really compare prices per pound or look for nutritional differences, but I would guess they are pretty much all the same. From now on, I will base my purchases purely upon price (from among better producers, minus organic). One thing I will do, I will buy better rice (already am) and beans from here on out. You can buy beans very inexpensively in generic brands. And, actually, I find no stones or dirt in even these. However, what I do find in basic beans is old, green (moldy), and broken beans in generics. I, however, would not even consider organic beans. They are way to expensive and very possibly problematic. The varieties they use have not been well tested on larger population bases and there may be a reason heritage crops did not see wider use. The lore regarding why one crop is not chosen is lost to history quite often, for political, economic, and other reasons. It is always assumed to be purely economic. My guess is that is often a bad assumption.
I need to get to town tomorrow. Beans, rice, and eggs are on hand, but no meats are to be had. This is a meat house. This is a sad meat house. I need to stop at the butcher and see what they have fresh. I do not like buying their old (frozen). If it is not under the glass or a fresh hanging cut, I simply have to leave it. Butcher paper either does not do well with frozen meats or their frozen meats are a little dated. Could I be wrong? Only if butcher paper is purely to blame. But their fresh meats are absolutely fantastic. A roast of steaks, cut to my specs, a couple of whole thick chuck roasts, and some other meats must be had. As well, I need to buy 10 pounds of ground beef and 5 pounds of ground chuck, which since this is never fresh at the butcher I will buy at my usual store. No problem, I need milk as well. Meat, meat, meat meat meat. How did that vegetable get there! Ackh! Run away, run away fast! Oh, I like vegetables, they just do not seem worthy of the bother to cook, regardless of what some over-educated, under performing, medicant says. Meat! Grains and legumes... for filler and to some degree taste, along with prepping. But meat in the meantime.
Laundry tonight, and finishing the dishes and cooking and the storing of those foods. Tomorrow I need to finally do that 24-hour urinalysis. I void the first time, tomorrow, without saving it. The rest of the day I use the container (I bought ice to keep it cool in the lavatory, in one of the smaller old kitty litter pans), and then I void into their provided container first thing Monday morning. And, since I go to SLC Monday for an appointment, I can give them their due. Do not drink it all at once! It took me a day to grow that. :p Bah!hahaha
Well, on to tinkering as the beans finish. I am looking forward to a bowl of those, too. Fresh warm beans move me. Sometimes even a way that brings back my boyish giggles and makes me want to test it in a bathtub. Wee! Look mommy, bubbles! Oh well, even Doom can get lost in reverie. Oh, I am skimming the beans for the first time. A foam begins to develop as the beans are cooked. I read somewhere, in recent readings on such topics, that there was a reason to do so. I remember neither the reason nor the source, but I am trying it anyway. I might have to revisit why I do what I do? Nah.
Later, or good night.
.
And cleaning too. Not a lot, but enough cleaning to get to the bean pot. There are just a small number of dishes left to be done. Cans have been sorted, some tidying has been done, but the heavier cleaning waits, languishes. The rice is cooked and cooling, the beans are finishing their cooking. I already had a small bowl of rice, butter, salt, and pepper. Numm! I really do like brown rice.
I tried short grain, to be different, this time. I currently have short and long grain rice on hand. Honestly, I cannot tell any real difference between long, medium, and short grain rice. Even in a visual inspection, it would take an uptight lefty or farmer to tell the difference, really. I did not really compare prices per pound or look for nutritional differences, but I would guess they are pretty much all the same. From now on, I will base my purchases purely upon price (from among better producers, minus organic). One thing I will do, I will buy better rice (already am) and beans from here on out. You can buy beans very inexpensively in generic brands. And, actually, I find no stones or dirt in even these. However, what I do find in basic beans is old, green (moldy), and broken beans in generics. I, however, would not even consider organic beans. They are way to expensive and very possibly problematic. The varieties they use have not been well tested on larger population bases and there may be a reason heritage crops did not see wider use. The lore regarding why one crop is not chosen is lost to history quite often, for political, economic, and other reasons. It is always assumed to be purely economic. My guess is that is often a bad assumption.
I need to get to town tomorrow. Beans, rice, and eggs are on hand, but no meats are to be had. This is a meat house. This is a sad meat house. I need to stop at the butcher and see what they have fresh. I do not like buying their old (frozen). If it is not under the glass or a fresh hanging cut, I simply have to leave it. Butcher paper either does not do well with frozen meats or their frozen meats are a little dated. Could I be wrong? Only if butcher paper is purely to blame. But their fresh meats are absolutely fantastic. A roast of steaks, cut to my specs, a couple of whole thick chuck roasts, and some other meats must be had. As well, I need to buy 10 pounds of ground beef and 5 pounds of ground chuck, which since this is never fresh at the butcher I will buy at my usual store. No problem, I need milk as well. Meat, meat, meat meat meat. How did that vegetable get there! Ackh! Run away, run away fast! Oh, I like vegetables, they just do not seem worthy of the bother to cook, regardless of what some over-educated, under performing, medicant says. Meat! Grains and legumes... for filler and to some degree taste, along with prepping. But meat in the meantime.
Laundry tonight, and finishing the dishes and cooking and the storing of those foods. Tomorrow I need to finally do that 24-hour urinalysis. I void the first time, tomorrow, without saving it. The rest of the day I use the container (I bought ice to keep it cool in the lavatory, in one of the smaller old kitty litter pans), and then I void into their provided container first thing Monday morning. And, since I go to SLC Monday for an appointment, I can give them their due. Do not drink it all at once! It took me a day to grow that. :p Bah!hahaha
Well, on to tinkering as the beans finish. I am looking forward to a bowl of those, too. Fresh warm beans move me. Sometimes even a way that brings back my boyish giggles and makes me want to test it in a bathtub. Wee! Look mommy, bubbles! Oh well, even Doom can get lost in reverie. Oh, I am skimming the beans for the first time. A foam begins to develop as the beans are cooked. I read somewhere, in recent readings on such topics, that there was a reason to do so. I remember neither the reason nor the source, but I am trying it anyway. I might have to revisit why I do what I do? Nah.
Later, or good night.
Japan, cats, and other things.
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.
I keep hearing about sending aid to Japan. As with Haiti, the drum rolls and the hat passes. And, thoughtlessly, I pondered that. Who would I give to and how could I trust them. No, not just trust them to use the money for charity work but to make sure they were not, say, adding strings to it. For example, offering food but requiring condoms to be handed out free; to offer shelters, but require this or that which I find more than objectionable. Then it hit me, just as it did with Haiti, Katrina, and the other disasters. Great care has to be given in how much is offered. Too much and people go on the lam. Japanese culture could not withstand this. No. So, I am considering what to give if to give at all. Not that my sentiments are not with those people, much more than the people of Haiti or Katrina. Actually, that is a part of it. Sentiment, certainly. Prayers, of course. Money? Do they really need it, will it be used correctly, what strings will be attached? Careful.
On to cats. Strange creatures, to be sure. Intelligent? Yes. If you try to change a behavior a cat does, it may simply use that behavior to garner attention. Sassy is the best at this. Sam is older and more evenly tempered. Sassy does not care if I am yelling and chasing or petting and scratching, it is all good in her book. She knows the worst I will do is put her outside for ten minutes. Changing her behavior is... probably a losing battle. I hope she matures out of it. As is, she knows how to get popo going. As I said before, hitting a cat, even in the act, is nearly meaningless to them. The younger they are the worse the chance a connection would be made, so that is out. Water seems to work, but is just as meaningless to Sassy as hitting her is. The "experts" suggest spraying her with water while she is doing something unfavorable without letting her know it is you. Have these experts ever even dealt with a cat? Oh, my, what big ears you have. What a big nose you have. What fine eyes you have, kitty. Ah, dear owner, the better to know where you are at all times. So, drop the squirt gun and come out with your paws, I mean hands, up. Bah!
A window may have opened. To the ends to getting further into cleaning, I have turned the heat in the house up a bit. I hope to finish the dishes tonight, set beans to soak, and cook another load of rice. A more steady diet has been helping. It is not enough. So, rather than 66 F, I am running 68 F, and when I think I can get to things, 70 or 72 F. I truly despise heat, and 72 is hot. But that seems to enervate me, something I need. The thing is, that like caffeine, this only works on a short term basis. Too long in higher temps and I begin to become, of course, lethargic. I only have tricks that can sometimes work. Fear, if it is real. Physical discomfort works for a bit. Hunger and thirst, though a form of discomfort, work for small bits of time. Whatever would normally make one grumpy or angry or even to some lesser extent simply emotional can help me get to things. So, when I get windows of opportunity but am not quite there... bring on the pain.
Good night, or later.
.
I keep hearing about sending aid to Japan. As with Haiti, the drum rolls and the hat passes. And, thoughtlessly, I pondered that. Who would I give to and how could I trust them. No, not just trust them to use the money for charity work but to make sure they were not, say, adding strings to it. For example, offering food but requiring condoms to be handed out free; to offer shelters, but require this or that which I find more than objectionable. Then it hit me, just as it did with Haiti, Katrina, and the other disasters. Great care has to be given in how much is offered. Too much and people go on the lam. Japanese culture could not withstand this. No. So, I am considering what to give if to give at all. Not that my sentiments are not with those people, much more than the people of Haiti or Katrina. Actually, that is a part of it. Sentiment, certainly. Prayers, of course. Money? Do they really need it, will it be used correctly, what strings will be attached? Careful.
On to cats. Strange creatures, to be sure. Intelligent? Yes. If you try to change a behavior a cat does, it may simply use that behavior to garner attention. Sassy is the best at this. Sam is older and more evenly tempered. Sassy does not care if I am yelling and chasing or petting and scratching, it is all good in her book. She knows the worst I will do is put her outside for ten minutes. Changing her behavior is... probably a losing battle. I hope she matures out of it. As is, she knows how to get popo going. As I said before, hitting a cat, even in the act, is nearly meaningless to them. The younger they are the worse the chance a connection would be made, so that is out. Water seems to work, but is just as meaningless to Sassy as hitting her is. The "experts" suggest spraying her with water while she is doing something unfavorable without letting her know it is you. Have these experts ever even dealt with a cat? Oh, my, what big ears you have. What a big nose you have. What fine eyes you have, kitty. Ah, dear owner, the better to know where you are at all times. So, drop the squirt gun and come out with your paws, I mean hands, up. Bah!
A window may have opened. To the ends to getting further into cleaning, I have turned the heat in the house up a bit. I hope to finish the dishes tonight, set beans to soak, and cook another load of rice. A more steady diet has been helping. It is not enough. So, rather than 66 F, I am running 68 F, and when I think I can get to things, 70 or 72 F. I truly despise heat, and 72 is hot. But that seems to enervate me, something I need. The thing is, that like caffeine, this only works on a short term basis. Too long in higher temps and I begin to become, of course, lethargic. I only have tricks that can sometimes work. Fear, if it is real. Physical discomfort works for a bit. Hunger and thirst, though a form of discomfort, work for small bits of time. Whatever would normally make one grumpy or angry or even to some lesser extent simply emotional can help me get to things. So, when I get windows of opportunity but am not quite there... bring on the pain.
Good night, or later.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
No, the ticker is on the fritz.
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.
Coming and going, staying away for a few days at a time, then coming back. It is not as bad as it was but the extra beat is here to stay. I am not sure how much of a risk it is. I am pretty sure it is not good. Then again, I have lived with incredibly high blood pressure and diabetes for a rather long time. I somehow doubt if I get to dodge the coming economic bullet that easily. I just hope that if I have a heart attach or stroke, I do so here at home. A heart attack has a good chance of being relatively quick. A stroke, on the other hand, will bring days of suffering before dehydration death. Still, I actually think I prefer that to "medical treatment". No open heart surgery, no opened chest cavity, just leave it alone. I swear doctors just like to experiment anyway. Is surgery a fetish? Are procedures sexy? I do not know, but I do not trust. I have had my fill of medical "help".
Sassy has become pretty fritzy. Not sure what is up with her, but she is about a year old now. Even fixed, and before maturity, I think she is looking for a man cat. And yet she does not have quite enough push to, well, actually find one. I would not be able to keep her indoors if that were true. Sam is doing well. She just amazes me. I have learned enough of her language through action to know what she means between 40 and 60 percent of the time. The only major thing I am not sure about is when she comes over, puts her paws up on my leg, then lifts one as if waving hello. I just do not know what that means. Most other times, I get it and right away. And, usually find a break in whatever I am doing to give her what she wants. Crazy girls, but I sure love them.
Well, off to bed. Very late, my schedule is still a bit off. I fight it, but for now it is what it is. Stupid naps! That is what threw me off, a single nap that turned into a mini-sleep cycle. Then again, I am not sure I could have stayed up. Perhaps I am simply facing my old, original, illness. It is an unbeatable force. I even thought back to the days of the Navy. Often I did not want to work, not only did I, but I could. Something simply changed. Good night.
.
Coming and going, staying away for a few days at a time, then coming back. It is not as bad as it was but the extra beat is here to stay. I am not sure how much of a risk it is. I am pretty sure it is not good. Then again, I have lived with incredibly high blood pressure and diabetes for a rather long time. I somehow doubt if I get to dodge the coming economic bullet that easily. I just hope that if I have a heart attach or stroke, I do so here at home. A heart attack has a good chance of being relatively quick. A stroke, on the other hand, will bring days of suffering before dehydration death. Still, I actually think I prefer that to "medical treatment". No open heart surgery, no opened chest cavity, just leave it alone. I swear doctors just like to experiment anyway. Is surgery a fetish? Are procedures sexy? I do not know, but I do not trust. I have had my fill of medical "help".
Sassy has become pretty fritzy. Not sure what is up with her, but she is about a year old now. Even fixed, and before maturity, I think she is looking for a man cat. And yet she does not have quite enough push to, well, actually find one. I would not be able to keep her indoors if that were true. Sam is doing well. She just amazes me. I have learned enough of her language through action to know what she means between 40 and 60 percent of the time. The only major thing I am not sure about is when she comes over, puts her paws up on my leg, then lifts one as if waving hello. I just do not know what that means. Most other times, I get it and right away. And, usually find a break in whatever I am doing to give her what she wants. Crazy girls, but I sure love them.
Well, off to bed. Very late, my schedule is still a bit off. I fight it, but for now it is what it is. Stupid naps! That is what threw me off, a single nap that turned into a mini-sleep cycle. Then again, I am not sure I could have stayed up. Perhaps I am simply facing my old, original, illness. It is an unbeatable force. I even thought back to the days of the Navy. Often I did not want to work, not only did I, but I could. Something simply changed. Good night.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
If you did not see it coming...
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There should be no doubt left. What we are headed for is NOT a minor glitch in the systems, government, and wealth we have known. This is not a one year, or even ten year, slow down. If we are to survive with more than the shirts on our back and little else, and then only possibly, we are going to have to change the way we do business, how our government works, and how money is created and used. The rest of the world can go hang, they have for most of history. We are not, as our mother's might have said, just like everyone else. Or, at least, that is my hope.
As for the end of the world. This I cannot say. If I see Mexico City disappear under lava, if I see California separate and mostly sink, if I see China sink, if I see oceans turning to blood killing off millions of fish, yeah, maybe. Until that time, do not think you will get off that light or that easy. You will be alive, living in a corpse that will quickly go feral. If you do not prepare, you will kill people to eat, perhaps even eating those you killed. You will become the basest of your animal instinct. You... do not want to go there.
Preparation is overwhelming, seen as a whole and in full term. So do not look at the whole. Look at what you can do. Store enough extra food to see you through four weeks. Make sure it is food you can tolerate, make it food that is easy to prepare, some of it without the need to cook, and buy containers to put enough for a gallon a day for a month, then fill those. That is all, for now. It is about where I am, if I also have 80 pounds each of beans and rice. When you get that done and have the food on rotation, think further about it. I know, money, time, effort. I sometimes squeeze by with as little as $500 in a month for anything other than bills.
Another way to think of it is to think of food as the new currency. If money becomes meaningless, as it is fast becoming, food will be what you buy other things with as well. At least unless you have other goods or services people not only could but would want. Can you cut hair and do you have the tools? Can you tend children, the elderly, or livestock? What real services can you offer? Think about it and stock up. I, for example, can be security. I can train men for that as well. I need to boost my capacity in long arms, that is more than rusty. At least scoped shooting. I can also haul, lift, and am tall so I can do things others might have difficulty with.
Disabled as I am, I wonder about life after cataclysm. Will the world slow enough that my speed is more acceptable? Today, one has to go to work and be there all day, five days a week. But when simply getting food and wood, managing to keep one's home stapled down, and making sure the fruits of one's labor and their neighbors is secure, is what is required, perhaps my more sedate manners would be more acceptable. Working when I could, resting when I cannot, with a hungry belly or several to keep me on the move a bit more than I am at this time. Either that or I will die a hard death of starvation. I do not want to see this tested, but I think, if nothing changes in a huge way, I will see that. Even if those changes come, it will not completely avert paying a dear price for our foolishness.
Pray. Talk to your friends and family. Strengthen bonds and stock up. This is going to hurt. Every time I go to the grocery store, I realize we are in serious trouble. I know those dear prices are just the tip of the iceberg. The upward momentum of which is unstoppable. I just pray, pray strongly faithfully and hopefully, that the ship stays together long enough to get a real captain in the presidency. An actual man needs to be in place, a strong one too. He may have to fight the mob horde to save the worthwhile few, or choose the unthinkable. The socialism, or really communism, the current beast in office would absolutely choose.
Get to it, the clock is not on your side. Either you are a beast or a man. Take your pick and be prepared to be a little of each even with the best of those choices.
.
There should be no doubt left. What we are headed for is NOT a minor glitch in the systems, government, and wealth we have known. This is not a one year, or even ten year, slow down. If we are to survive with more than the shirts on our back and little else, and then only possibly, we are going to have to change the way we do business, how our government works, and how money is created and used. The rest of the world can go hang, they have for most of history. We are not, as our mother's might have said, just like everyone else. Or, at least, that is my hope.
As for the end of the world. This I cannot say. If I see Mexico City disappear under lava, if I see California separate and mostly sink, if I see China sink, if I see oceans turning to blood killing off millions of fish, yeah, maybe. Until that time, do not think you will get off that light or that easy. You will be alive, living in a corpse that will quickly go feral. If you do not prepare, you will kill people to eat, perhaps even eating those you killed. You will become the basest of your animal instinct. You... do not want to go there.
Preparation is overwhelming, seen as a whole and in full term. So do not look at the whole. Look at what you can do. Store enough extra food to see you through four weeks. Make sure it is food you can tolerate, make it food that is easy to prepare, some of it without the need to cook, and buy containers to put enough for a gallon a day for a month, then fill those. That is all, for now. It is about where I am, if I also have 80 pounds each of beans and rice. When you get that done and have the food on rotation, think further about it. I know, money, time, effort. I sometimes squeeze by with as little as $500 in a month for anything other than bills.
Another way to think of it is to think of food as the new currency. If money becomes meaningless, as it is fast becoming, food will be what you buy other things with as well. At least unless you have other goods or services people not only could but would want. Can you cut hair and do you have the tools? Can you tend children, the elderly, or livestock? What real services can you offer? Think about it and stock up. I, for example, can be security. I can train men for that as well. I need to boost my capacity in long arms, that is more than rusty. At least scoped shooting. I can also haul, lift, and am tall so I can do things others might have difficulty with.
Disabled as I am, I wonder about life after cataclysm. Will the world slow enough that my speed is more acceptable? Today, one has to go to work and be there all day, five days a week. But when simply getting food and wood, managing to keep one's home stapled down, and making sure the fruits of one's labor and their neighbors is secure, is what is required, perhaps my more sedate manners would be more acceptable. Working when I could, resting when I cannot, with a hungry belly or several to keep me on the move a bit more than I am at this time. Either that or I will die a hard death of starvation. I do not want to see this tested, but I think, if nothing changes in a huge way, I will see that. Even if those changes come, it will not completely avert paying a dear price for our foolishness.
Pray. Talk to your friends and family. Strengthen bonds and stock up. This is going to hurt. Every time I go to the grocery store, I realize we are in serious trouble. I know those dear prices are just the tip of the iceberg. The upward momentum of which is unstoppable. I just pray, pray strongly faithfully and hopefully, that the ship stays together long enough to get a real captain in the presidency. An actual man needs to be in place, a strong one too. He may have to fight the mob horde to save the worthwhile few, or choose the unthinkable. The socialism, or really communism, the current beast in office would absolutely choose.
Get to it, the clock is not on your side. Either you are a beast or a man. Take your pick and be prepared to be a little of each even with the best of those choices.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Some thoughts on family folk I have met.
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I have known, and prefer to befriend, married folk. Why I cannot say. Perhaps that is a hope, or has been one. I know I like the simple way they live and work. Oh, they present well, but I see well into the insanity of those lives. Little irritations, day in and day out. The kid that always loses his... (fill in the blank, that was me as a kid, by the way); the kid that talks back (they all take turns), the spouse that wants everything and seems to give so little (can be either, depending on perspective/moment); and on the list goes. What they often do not see is that their time is so filled that instead of living a hollow, hard working, drab, plain life, their lives are filled with other people. They have neither the time nor the allowance to be too into themselves. Yes, I may be blind on many things, but not on this. Is that grass greener? No, it is merely different. I would not, as a proverbial cow, wish to munch that grass by accident. Only by design and with some serious forethought would I end up in that pasture. Still, I think it is the one I wanted. Then again I never wanted to fight, war really. I just wanted to read, write, tinker with math, and know peace. We do not get what we want, perhaps not even what we were designed to be. Not all of us. I suppose I have hope in God's design. I hope that what I am is of some use, some joy, some comfort, to Him.
Couples seem so... simple at times. Especially those with children. Some of it is created so as to envelop the children in a safe, sane, quiet place in which to begin learning. Mothers seem to lead the charge, becoming nearly childlike at times, to be at the level of their children. Though, never mistake a woman's seeming childishness with the real thing. A good mother is one of the most mature beings out there, and does not miss a trick or a tick. I cannot help, when I see this nature, to think about what the bible says about becoming as children before entering the kingdom of heaven. Is this it or close to it? As well, I think spouses who decide to have children (odd, decide to do what is absolutely natural and what their whole lives have driven them to do?) have to, somewhere in the occurrence, develop a faith that they will be able to do something they have never done before in the face of economic, political, and many other obstacles. They are hopeful prone, yet practical enough to deal with what else comes. I have to believe, though, that the facing of that is quite thin. Without the family as a unit, the thing would not work. It seems both the sum AND the parts are somehow greater than each other. Put that in your calculator and smoke it.
I suppose this could be a piece dedicated to the (dying) family. It is not really dying, it is just dying in secularizing parts of the world. And yet, I hope that it is not an idealizing of the notion of familyhood. Idealism fails, only hard work, sacrifice, and faith can create real goods, like families. But all praise should be given to those who have chosen to not be selfish. And, no, having three or more children is not selfish or thoughtless, not in these times. Well, among certain groups anyway. Still chomping at a bit which will probably never find me anywhere near the pasture of familyhood, but so it goes.
.
I have known, and prefer to befriend, married folk. Why I cannot say. Perhaps that is a hope, or has been one. I know I like the simple way they live and work. Oh, they present well, but I see well into the insanity of those lives. Little irritations, day in and day out. The kid that always loses his... (fill in the blank, that was me as a kid, by the way); the kid that talks back (they all take turns), the spouse that wants everything and seems to give so little (can be either, depending on perspective/moment); and on the list goes. What they often do not see is that their time is so filled that instead of living a hollow, hard working, drab, plain life, their lives are filled with other people. They have neither the time nor the allowance to be too into themselves. Yes, I may be blind on many things, but not on this. Is that grass greener? No, it is merely different. I would not, as a proverbial cow, wish to munch that grass by accident. Only by design and with some serious forethought would I end up in that pasture. Still, I think it is the one I wanted. Then again I never wanted to fight, war really. I just wanted to read, write, tinker with math, and know peace. We do not get what we want, perhaps not even what we were designed to be. Not all of us. I suppose I have hope in God's design. I hope that what I am is of some use, some joy, some comfort, to Him.
Couples seem so... simple at times. Especially those with children. Some of it is created so as to envelop the children in a safe, sane, quiet place in which to begin learning. Mothers seem to lead the charge, becoming nearly childlike at times, to be at the level of their children. Though, never mistake a woman's seeming childishness with the real thing. A good mother is one of the most mature beings out there, and does not miss a trick or a tick. I cannot help, when I see this nature, to think about what the bible says about becoming as children before entering the kingdom of heaven. Is this it or close to it? As well, I think spouses who decide to have children (odd, decide to do what is absolutely natural and what their whole lives have driven them to do?) have to, somewhere in the occurrence, develop a faith that they will be able to do something they have never done before in the face of economic, political, and many other obstacles. They are hopeful prone, yet practical enough to deal with what else comes. I have to believe, though, that the facing of that is quite thin. Without the family as a unit, the thing would not work. It seems both the sum AND the parts are somehow greater than each other. Put that in your calculator and smoke it.
I suppose this could be a piece dedicated to the (dying) family. It is not really dying, it is just dying in secularizing parts of the world. And yet, I hope that it is not an idealizing of the notion of familyhood. Idealism fails, only hard work, sacrifice, and faith can create real goods, like families. But all praise should be given to those who have chosen to not be selfish. And, no, having three or more children is not selfish or thoughtless, not in these times. Well, among certain groups anyway. Still chomping at a bit which will probably never find me anywhere near the pasture of familyhood, but so it goes.
No sleep and troubled breathing.
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.
While the heart seems to be recovering fully, the breathing problems come and go and are as bad as I have experienced. I have to consider whether the bat infestation is the problem, or even a part of the problem. In reviewing online material, I noted that bats (so the experts say) do not over stay winters in homes, preferring more constant temperatures found in caves or even leaving the state. Apparently bats or experts are off their mark. I have... many bats still here. The cats know. They are not bound to the attic either, choosing walls as well. And yes, bat guano is just as bad as rat feces. Yeah, I do have some work. I do not know if they are part of the problem, but I do know I have to get rid of them. Getting rid of bats will be a heck of a job. Though not quite as able to enter a home as say cockroaches, they can get in a half an inch diameter, down to perhaps close to a quarter inch hole. Being an old, and stone, house, I have my work cut out for me.
From what I hear of professional pest control, that really is not a good solution. Neither are their methods all that good, their expense is not practical, and they refuse guarantees unless you pay far more. I have conflicting data regarding when they have pups. I have heard spring only and spring and fall so far. I cannot do the work whenever they are pupping, as the pups cannot fly and would end up dying (and stinking, and inviting other pests to feed on them). Not to mention it would be rude. The suggestion is August, or possibly in the winter. August would be harsh, with outside temperatures reaching 100 and more in the shade here. I can only imagine what the attic would be like. Even with central air, which I do not have, that would be... a bit much. As well, I will want to try to force the V.A. to give me precautionary rabies shot(s), which will essentially make me immune to the disease for about a year, before the venture. The incidence of rabies is low here, but all it takes is one bite, perhaps even a scratch.
I am not sure when I will be going westward, though August seems like the soonest possible time. I have to count pennies, draft some mileage charts, look at gas prices, check airline ticket prices, before I know though. I might not be able to go until early fall. Ah! And people wonder why I get nothing done. There is so much that goes into every decision. Timing for this and that, money, effort, planning, assumptions, and non-related topics. Well, my mom and bats only have an affiliation in the most rude of ways. Still, she did chuckle when, after she suggested she would come back with me and fly home that I suggested she bring her best flying broom. Ha! Still, I think I will keep the bat analogy to myself, thank you. She does cook for me, you know. Socrates saw the poison coming, but he was dealing with men. With women... you just will not see it until you are under the table. That is all I am saying right there.
Yeah, and no sleep. I simply could not sleep. I do not know why. The hard breathing does not help. I guess I get to stay up and try to reset my internal clock. I hate this part of life. I want to sleep, not all the time like in bad times, but just a normal sleep pattern. I love my six to eight hours of blissful nothing. Though I wish I could wake up pain free sometime soon, and without shortness of breath.
Later.
.
While the heart seems to be recovering fully, the breathing problems come and go and are as bad as I have experienced. I have to consider whether the bat infestation is the problem, or even a part of the problem. In reviewing online material, I noted that bats (so the experts say) do not over stay winters in homes, preferring more constant temperatures found in caves or even leaving the state. Apparently bats or experts are off their mark. I have... many bats still here. The cats know. They are not bound to the attic either, choosing walls as well. And yes, bat guano is just as bad as rat feces. Yeah, I do have some work. I do not know if they are part of the problem, but I do know I have to get rid of them. Getting rid of bats will be a heck of a job. Though not quite as able to enter a home as say cockroaches, they can get in a half an inch diameter, down to perhaps close to a quarter inch hole. Being an old, and stone, house, I have my work cut out for me.
From what I hear of professional pest control, that really is not a good solution. Neither are their methods all that good, their expense is not practical, and they refuse guarantees unless you pay far more. I have conflicting data regarding when they have pups. I have heard spring only and spring and fall so far. I cannot do the work whenever they are pupping, as the pups cannot fly and would end up dying (and stinking, and inviting other pests to feed on them). Not to mention it would be rude. The suggestion is August, or possibly in the winter. August would be harsh, with outside temperatures reaching 100 and more in the shade here. I can only imagine what the attic would be like. Even with central air, which I do not have, that would be... a bit much. As well, I will want to try to force the V.A. to give me precautionary rabies shot(s), which will essentially make me immune to the disease for about a year, before the venture. The incidence of rabies is low here, but all it takes is one bite, perhaps even a scratch.
I am not sure when I will be going westward, though August seems like the soonest possible time. I have to count pennies, draft some mileage charts, look at gas prices, check airline ticket prices, before I know though. I might not be able to go until early fall. Ah! And people wonder why I get nothing done. There is so much that goes into every decision. Timing for this and that, money, effort, planning, assumptions, and non-related topics. Well, my mom and bats only have an affiliation in the most rude of ways. Still, she did chuckle when, after she suggested she would come back with me and fly home that I suggested she bring her best flying broom. Ha! Still, I think I will keep the bat analogy to myself, thank you. She does cook for me, you know. Socrates saw the poison coming, but he was dealing with men. With women... you just will not see it until you are under the table. That is all I am saying right there.
Yeah, and no sleep. I simply could not sleep. I do not know why. The hard breathing does not help. I guess I get to stay up and try to reset my internal clock. I hate this part of life. I want to sleep, not all the time like in bad times, but just a normal sleep pattern. I love my six to eight hours of blissful nothing. Though I wish I could wake up pain free sometime soon, and without shortness of breath.
Later.
Da kittehs made me do itz.
.
.
Two days without milk is enough to put all of us in my household on edge. So, after much meowling and fussing, popo got to it. Later than I would have liked, but so goes it. While in town, I decided to visit my friend. I told him I had called twice, to no answer, for our planned dinner Saturday. Which was true. He must have been out smoking, but twice in a row? Well, that is how things work. And he could have called me. He said tomorrow will be warm, and thought it might be a good time to go shooting. I could find no flaw in this logic, so tomorrow we will go shooting again. Our range, such as it is (which is just perfect by my standards), is easy to get too, not too muddy to move around in, and close. So, more shooting on the way.
I bought treats for the cats while out. Milk as well, of course. I avoid much else at Wal-Mart these days, and look over everything I buy very closely. They have become, if they were not always, more like the dime stores of my youth, selling mostly junk and seconds or thirds. Which is fine, if you know what you are looking at, know what the flaws are, and they are not a problem for what you intend for the product, and such. And of course, if you have an immediate need for a group of items and no time to dicker or it is late when the absolute need occurs, the products they sell might just be enough. I will not complain too much, just... look at what I am buying there much more carefully.
I am hoping getting out and getting some fresh air will help bring something back. Of course, the warming will help. I have already turned the heat down a goodly bit in the house. I simply do not need it heated as much with it being so much warmer. I can, often, wear just my underwear in 60'ish F temps... assuming no airflow. Not always, but often.
Oh, the cats, to include Sam, actually like their treats. Sam did not care for the last sampling I brought home, salmon flavored. Then again, I am with her with regards to salmon. Sassy... not so much. She could and probably would eat just about anything, crawling, squirming, flying, dead, or alive. She makes no bones about liking food. Well, save for the food currently in her bowl. I am not putting out other food until that is gone though. What is that about becoming your parents? Arghghghghghghahahaha!
Good night.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Ah-ha, I now know what she was hiding.
.
.
My mother, that is. She called today. Several issues, one being that the phone does not work. We are on one phone system, which I pay. Heck, she is only $10 extra, so why in the world not? Well, there is a little bit added to that because of the extended group plan, not much. Her logic is typically female though. She could not use her phone, it redirected the calls to billing. So, she calls me on other phones and leaves messages. Messages I cannot receive because my calls are, you know it, redirected to billing. Oh, I really like women. They are soooo cute sometimes. In any case, I took care of that so we could talk longer. Being that she was borrowing someone else's phone, that initial call was to let me know there was a problem and letting me know she wanted to talk when our phones were back up.
Well, after some arranging, I paid the bill in full. I have tried to use their automated pay system several times now, all comes to failure. I will get that set up through my bank, this time. I have house, car, and several other things set up that way because businesses are either absolutely incompetent at creating a system of automatic bill pay, or they pick on the weakest bill paying links to drop that and recover over-due fees, fines, reconnection fees, and whatever else they can get. Including home and auto. It is a slim game they pay, one they will end up losing hard. Then again, if a bank needs fast cash, I would guess a foreclosure is much more much more quickly than a standard payment? If not directly, money wise, through write offs and other setasides?
Anyway, I was right to be suspicious of the woman. Her main goal is to have me paint her ceiling. No problem, though I suggested she have the paint and tools ready. Drop clothes would be wise, though it does not bother me one way or the other on those. Not if I am being conscripted. I have no problem painting, but I knew she was keeping something super woman sekret. Now I know. As well, she now wants to come back out with me on my return trip. Fine, fine, though that will take a one way ticket home for her. So, I told her straight out that I am not sure where money is right now, or how much all of this will cost. Gas being an arm and a leg, airlines jacking everything up, and of course food, lodging, and all that, is not something to be sneezed at either. I will not drive 26 hours anymore. Not even 18 hours. It is foolish to be driving that impaired.
And sleeping in a vehicle made for darned midgets is not something at all comfy. If I am too broke to pay for lodging then I am too broke to go, save an emergency.
So, I need to get my place in order before I go for sure, whenever that might be. I also need to figure out how much this will cost, as best I can gauge it, look for a ticket home for her in advance (which is tricky not yet having a date for even my departure), and figure out the best way to travel with the cats. I do have two cages, at the moment, though one is sort of iffy. They are good enough to take both cats to the vet, if that were called for, but I am not sure about such a long journey. They cost about $25, so a new one might be worth the cost. I not only love my cats, I am obliged to them. Losing a cat in middle America would be a hard thing on them, and me. So, time to get cracking.
I did get the trash and recycling out. I did not do another darned thing. I wanted to, I surely did. But there is no go in my umph, or something like that. I am barely managing consciousness. Yes, it is that bad. It has been that bad for quite a while. Still, I will do what I can, when I can. Good night.
Oh, I have just learned that I will live forever. I guess God will have to take me up and then decide? Hahahaha
.
My mother, that is. She called today. Several issues, one being that the phone does not work. We are on one phone system, which I pay. Heck, she is only $10 extra, so why in the world not? Well, there is a little bit added to that because of the extended group plan, not much. Her logic is typically female though. She could not use her phone, it redirected the calls to billing. So, she calls me on other phones and leaves messages. Messages I cannot receive because my calls are, you know it, redirected to billing. Oh, I really like women. They are soooo cute sometimes. In any case, I took care of that so we could talk longer. Being that she was borrowing someone else's phone, that initial call was to let me know there was a problem and letting me know she wanted to talk when our phones were back up.
Well, after some arranging, I paid the bill in full. I have tried to use their automated pay system several times now, all comes to failure. I will get that set up through my bank, this time. I have house, car, and several other things set up that way because businesses are either absolutely incompetent at creating a system of automatic bill pay, or they pick on the weakest bill paying links to drop that and recover over-due fees, fines, reconnection fees, and whatever else they can get. Including home and auto. It is a slim game they pay, one they will end up losing hard. Then again, if a bank needs fast cash, I would guess a foreclosure is much more much more quickly than a standard payment? If not directly, money wise, through write offs and other setasides?
Anyway, I was right to be suspicious of the woman. Her main goal is to have me paint her ceiling. No problem, though I suggested she have the paint and tools ready. Drop clothes would be wise, though it does not bother me one way or the other on those. Not if I am being conscripted. I have no problem painting, but I knew she was keeping something super woman sekret. Now I know. As well, she now wants to come back out with me on my return trip. Fine, fine, though that will take a one way ticket home for her. So, I told her straight out that I am not sure where money is right now, or how much all of this will cost. Gas being an arm and a leg, airlines jacking everything up, and of course food, lodging, and all that, is not something to be sneezed at either. I will not drive 26 hours anymore. Not even 18 hours. It is foolish to be driving that impaired.
And sleeping in a vehicle made for darned midgets is not something at all comfy. If I am too broke to pay for lodging then I am too broke to go, save an emergency.
So, I need to get my place in order before I go for sure, whenever that might be. I also need to figure out how much this will cost, as best I can gauge it, look for a ticket home for her in advance (which is tricky not yet having a date for even my departure), and figure out the best way to travel with the cats. I do have two cages, at the moment, though one is sort of iffy. They are good enough to take both cats to the vet, if that were called for, but I am not sure about such a long journey. They cost about $25, so a new one might be worth the cost. I not only love my cats, I am obliged to them. Losing a cat in middle America would be a hard thing on them, and me. So, time to get cracking.
I did get the trash and recycling out. I did not do another darned thing. I wanted to, I surely did. But there is no go in my umph, or something like that. I am barely managing consciousness. Yes, it is that bad. It has been that bad for quite a while. Still, I will do what I can, when I can. Good night.
Oh, I have just learned that I will live forever. I guess God will have to take me up and then decide? Hahahaha
Some days are really harsh.
.
.
Today is one of them. My physical health matches my general capacity. Breathing is still a bit of a chore. It is like I am tense, more tense than usual. That is not the case, but it is as if my body is almost holding my breath. Like when you are in a tense situation. Only it is all the time. That comes and goes, or I notice is more or less, I am not sure which. Of course, that is just one part of it.
I cannot, as usual, get to the things I want done. Dishes languish, laundry needs to be done, I am exhausted but at least staying awake (no more naps). I might be back to a more regular schedule, with a slight tilt to being up a bit too late and thus, of course, waking late. But more, I realize there is no way I could afford a wife, though I suppose there might be a wife out there who would be negotiable in my situation otherwise. Just getting out to meet the right woman is beyond my capacity.
Yeah, it all gangs up on some days. Oh, I have always known the truth of things. Never fear. I guess I follow some paths in the hopes that opening some door in my mind will cause something else to loose which will... I do not know for sure... allow a chance at a more normal life? I am not sure. Well, that and I do not seem to be able to quit no matter how bound I find myself. I am most certain Christ would be able to not just heal me, but teach me to heal myself. That may sound silly, but I think it is true. It is not necessarily that I am my own worst enemy and that is the sum total of my problems. But the solutions to the problems I have probably very much are within me. Both my fleshly and other problems. I honestly think I have taken care of issues I have had. The sticking point is failing flesh. It probably always was the sticking point, the rest just swirled around it, was caused by some failing.
Christ has not knocked on my door, not in so many words, with the answer to everything and all. Not even with the simple solution I need to resolve my problems. He lives here, in here. Either He or I am incapable of communicating the answer. Still, I think I have the solution, just no means of seeing it implemented. Not safely, wisely. Another place and another time, perhaps I will understand.
*looks down, kicks the dirt, walks off*
Tomorrow will be better. And, truth is, if we all see our own lives in a certain light on a certain day, it is disheartening. I have been hit. Now, what to do about it. I think I will figure out, somehow, how to get the trash and recycling out and to the curb, do a load of dishes, and maybe put a load of laundry to the works. Maybe. Dang but it is hard. And I so want it.
Good night.
.
Today is one of them. My physical health matches my general capacity. Breathing is still a bit of a chore. It is like I am tense, more tense than usual. That is not the case, but it is as if my body is almost holding my breath. Like when you are in a tense situation. Only it is all the time. That comes and goes, or I notice is more or less, I am not sure which. Of course, that is just one part of it.
I cannot, as usual, get to the things I want done. Dishes languish, laundry needs to be done, I am exhausted but at least staying awake (no more naps). I might be back to a more regular schedule, with a slight tilt to being up a bit too late and thus, of course, waking late. But more, I realize there is no way I could afford a wife, though I suppose there might be a wife out there who would be negotiable in my situation otherwise. Just getting out to meet the right woman is beyond my capacity.
Yeah, it all gangs up on some days. Oh, I have always known the truth of things. Never fear. I guess I follow some paths in the hopes that opening some door in my mind will cause something else to loose which will... I do not know for sure... allow a chance at a more normal life? I am not sure. Well, that and I do not seem to be able to quit no matter how bound I find myself. I am most certain Christ would be able to not just heal me, but teach me to heal myself. That may sound silly, but I think it is true. It is not necessarily that I am my own worst enemy and that is the sum total of my problems. But the solutions to the problems I have probably very much are within me. Both my fleshly and other problems. I honestly think I have taken care of issues I have had. The sticking point is failing flesh. It probably always was the sticking point, the rest just swirled around it, was caused by some failing.
Christ has not knocked on my door, not in so many words, with the answer to everything and all. Not even with the simple solution I need to resolve my problems. He lives here, in here. Either He or I am incapable of communicating the answer. Still, I think I have the solution, just no means of seeing it implemented. Not safely, wisely. Another place and another time, perhaps I will understand.
*looks down, kicks the dirt, walks off*
Tomorrow will be better. And, truth is, if we all see our own lives in a certain light on a certain day, it is disheartening. I have been hit. Now, what to do about it. I think I will figure out, somehow, how to get the trash and recycling out and to the curb, do a load of dishes, and maybe put a load of laundry to the works. Maybe. Dang but it is hard. And I so want it.
Good night.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Rumblings.
.
.
My heart is a bit better. Breath is still a bit short, or more tight which leads to shortness, at times. I still wake up with terrible neck and shoulder pains, that has not stopped. Headaches are occasional gifts from life, I guess, too. Ah well. I still thank God for the chance I have that is life. Suffering is an offering, to life, to Him. Not that He intended pain, only that living through it is a testament or something like that. And, I think in the grander scheme of things, any suffering we could know here we will someday realize to be nothing all that much. Scraped knees on children. Something that will happen, seem traumatic at the time, and fade into the mind or even become a point of great humor at some later than the event date.
Still, like the kid with the booboo, it would be nice to find a little comfort and relief. A little kindness in this way should not be that difficult and yet it is proving to be unattainable. I am still not sure about the heart, or breathing. I almost wonder if it could be some flu symptom, or respiratory infection of another type. Though too, it may simply be what I mainly suspect.
The dinner did not happen yesterday. I did not get cleaning up to spec, but that was not the problem. I called my friend a couple of times and got no answer. I still have not gotten to the house cleaning. Or at least it is not done. I have started a few things today. I need to do a lot more. I simply have nothing to put into the effort. I will keep... plugging away.
Have a good day. Do something in spite of how you feel for those who really cannot get to their work. Yeah, do that. Or tomorrow since today is getting late. Good night.
.
My heart is a bit better. Breath is still a bit short, or more tight which leads to shortness, at times. I still wake up with terrible neck and shoulder pains, that has not stopped. Headaches are occasional gifts from life, I guess, too. Ah well. I still thank God for the chance I have that is life. Suffering is an offering, to life, to Him. Not that He intended pain, only that living through it is a testament or something like that. And, I think in the grander scheme of things, any suffering we could know here we will someday realize to be nothing all that much. Scraped knees on children. Something that will happen, seem traumatic at the time, and fade into the mind or even become a point of great humor at some later than the event date.
Still, like the kid with the booboo, it would be nice to find a little comfort and relief. A little kindness in this way should not be that difficult and yet it is proving to be unattainable. I am still not sure about the heart, or breathing. I almost wonder if it could be some flu symptom, or respiratory infection of another type. Though too, it may simply be what I mainly suspect.
The dinner did not happen yesterday. I did not get cleaning up to spec, but that was not the problem. I called my friend a couple of times and got no answer. I still have not gotten to the house cleaning. Or at least it is not done. I have started a few things today. I need to do a lot more. I simply have nothing to put into the effort. I will keep... plugging away.
Have a good day. Do something in spite of how you feel for those who really cannot get to their work. Yeah, do that. Or tomorrow since today is getting late. Good night.
Sleep?
.
.
Sure, when I have things, real things, to be done, all I can do is sleep. But when I want to sleep it just is not happening. I probably need to sleep. Naps, then again, are probably not the best idea. Two naps in three days and my schedule is completely shot. So, with little ability to sleep and naps taking away my ability for longer sleep, I am stuck with a, once again, hyperactive heart. Such a fragile system, such a slim grip on life, the two make for a very tenuous moment. Should I live past it, I might learn something. Then again, knowing one is going to slip and fall does not really change much. Perhaps you can train to fall, but... even that is risk filled. And training only improves chances, it does not guarantee safety. Ah well.
Here it is, 8:00, and I think I am finally ready to sleep. But I am so used to sleeping in the dark I am not sure how well or if I can sleep in the day. Grumbling off to bed, a cat under one arm, a kitten under the other. Neither is all that interested in sleeping. Hmmm, maybe popo ought to close the door and have a free-rolling sleep. Yeah, that is it. Good night. *grump*
.
Sure, when I have things, real things, to be done, all I can do is sleep. But when I want to sleep it just is not happening. I probably need to sleep. Naps, then again, are probably not the best idea. Two naps in three days and my schedule is completely shot. So, with little ability to sleep and naps taking away my ability for longer sleep, I am stuck with a, once again, hyperactive heart. Such a fragile system, such a slim grip on life, the two make for a very tenuous moment. Should I live past it, I might learn something. Then again, knowing one is going to slip and fall does not really change much. Perhaps you can train to fall, but... even that is risk filled. And training only improves chances, it does not guarantee safety. Ah well.
Here it is, 8:00, and I think I am finally ready to sleep. But I am so used to sleeping in the dark I am not sure how well or if I can sleep in the day. Grumbling off to bed, a cat under one arm, a kitten under the other. Neither is all that interested in sleeping. Hmmm, maybe popo ought to close the door and have a free-rolling sleep. Yeah, that is it. Good night. *grump*
The broken window theory.
.
.
Of course, this theory is based on government spending. At least the most recent version, and from what I understand. It, of course, in this case, is bunk. Government spending, almost to a cent, is a waste. Now, waste is necessary, in smaller sips. And there are bits of spending which actually prove either worthwhile in a large sense, think museums at least within reason, and transportation such as roads, bridges, and such (again within reason and probably excluding Bus, train, and definitely excluding high speed trains).
However, what is happening in Japan, while tragic due to the loss of life and serious potential for a number of nuclear disasters, may end up having a net positive affect on that nation. Once a shining city, but only for a short time, it has economically fallen into decay, disrepair, and fiscal lunacy. There is a chance that through confrontation with serious disaster, a greater understanding of life, a perspective on wealth, and a shakeup of all that is entrenched, it will allow the people to change the government for the better. Perhaps, finally, they will throw off the chains of socialism we put on them after the war.
Why can a theory work one way and not another. I think it has to do with whether men meddle in it or not. Natural events seem to come, and men simply pick up or die. When men cause the disasters, they often already have a political and economic plan devised around it. And the plans of men are foolish and ignorant, idealistic and unscientific (in the real not academic sense of science, mind you). No, men cannot devise a means of breaking windows in such a way in which a nation may truly profit. But nature seems to have a way. Actually, survival in such cases means pushing politicians, bureaucrats and whole bureaucracies, laws, and other such to the side while figuring out how to simply survive. It lends strength to people who have been shackled and afraid. It shows them what there really is to fear. A fine or going without water? Try and fine me for surviving!
Most cases, hopefully, are not that extreme. But in many cases people will be fighting more minor incursions into their needs and wants by often petty and foolish laws, meant merely to help the peasants understand their place and create markers around what some elites think should be the boundaries of civilized life. I hope the Japanese do learn. I hope they do become strong. And I hope they realize that a socialist government is nothing but an impediment, and pushes it to the side to rise a stronger, rebuilt, forward moving nation and economy. Oh, and remove the "rights" (special set-asides for women to work, and vote). Well, good luck on those last, but if the nation rises, these things will happen.
Good night.
.
Of course, this theory is based on government spending. At least the most recent version, and from what I understand. It, of course, in this case, is bunk. Government spending, almost to a cent, is a waste. Now, waste is necessary, in smaller sips. And there are bits of spending which actually prove either worthwhile in a large sense, think museums at least within reason, and transportation such as roads, bridges, and such (again within reason and probably excluding Bus, train, and definitely excluding high speed trains).
However, what is happening in Japan, while tragic due to the loss of life and serious potential for a number of nuclear disasters, may end up having a net positive affect on that nation. Once a shining city, but only for a short time, it has economically fallen into decay, disrepair, and fiscal lunacy. There is a chance that through confrontation with serious disaster, a greater understanding of life, a perspective on wealth, and a shakeup of all that is entrenched, it will allow the people to change the government for the better. Perhaps, finally, they will throw off the chains of socialism we put on them after the war.
Why can a theory work one way and not another. I think it has to do with whether men meddle in it or not. Natural events seem to come, and men simply pick up or die. When men cause the disasters, they often already have a political and economic plan devised around it. And the plans of men are foolish and ignorant, idealistic and unscientific (in the real not academic sense of science, mind you). No, men cannot devise a means of breaking windows in such a way in which a nation may truly profit. But nature seems to have a way. Actually, survival in such cases means pushing politicians, bureaucrats and whole bureaucracies, laws, and other such to the side while figuring out how to simply survive. It lends strength to people who have been shackled and afraid. It shows them what there really is to fear. A fine or going without water? Try and fine me for surviving!
Most cases, hopefully, are not that extreme. But in many cases people will be fighting more minor incursions into their needs and wants by often petty and foolish laws, meant merely to help the peasants understand their place and create markers around what some elites think should be the boundaries of civilized life. I hope the Japanese do learn. I hope they do become strong. And I hope they realize that a socialist government is nothing but an impediment, and pushes it to the side to rise a stronger, rebuilt, forward moving nation and economy. Oh, and remove the "rights" (special set-asides for women to work, and vote). Well, good luck on those last, but if the nation rises, these things will happen.
Good night.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Yesterday was a great day.
.
.
I got everything on my list completed yesterday, save for extra cleaning here at home. Having clean guns to shoot is like going to bed on clean sheets. I only shot the Henry and the .45. Those will get a cleaning again relatively quickly. As things are warming, I do not want an excuse to not get out. I still have limits on how much I can functionally get done, but that too is expanding slowly. I also sent that package to my lady friend and transferred funds so that I may further take care of a couple of bills. Right now my finances are a bit crippled as I no longer have a debit card to a third of my income, which is directly deposited to a bank in another state. Oh, I have tried three or four times to get that changed. I have no idea why both writing and vocal communications do not seem to get it done for the Social Security office. I will simply have to find a local office, go there in person, and see someone, and make absolutely sure they can 'hear me now'. Ugh but it is harsh when it is tough to do the little you do and that is simply ignored.
I was planning to have my friend here today, for woodworking and a meal. I need to clean more and am not quite ready for a visit. So, I will delay that until tomorrow. Roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy, I believe, will be the verdict. The Lord knows, such meals are a pleasure. And more so when shared. If I have the house really cleaned at that time, I will ask my friend to help with the dishes. Such is the way of it. It is not that bad, but when I go all fancy, such as using a meat platter, gravy boat, along with the cooking gear, it piles up and I am quickly overwhelmed.
My lady friend got her package today. And, almost as quickly after, I received a phone call. Kitty was happy. Hey, bribery works. A chuckle or two even makes it better. She wanted to know if the checks were valid. Way too funny, though I like that sentiment. For a microsecond I truly considered saying "No". I love to hear a woman whine. Still, it was not in keeping with my plan so I let the opportunity slide. I will get plenty of other chances. Conan might have had some parts right when discussing success and "lamentation of da women.", though lamentation is not always a bedtime story. Just... my perspective. hehehe I like womenz.
The heart murmurs, or skipping, are not as severe today for the first time in two weeks. It was getting progressively worse, so I really am not sure. It is still there, just milder today for whatever reason. My breathing has eased a bit too, but is still a bit tight. This time or next, it... I am dying. I am still glad I gave the warning. I had been set to call my mother and others and begin looking for someone I could trust to check on me every few days. I like this home and do not wish to ruin it with the stench of my dead corpse over some extended period of time. And more, I do not want my cats to have to eat from me to survive. I do not care about the care of my corpse, or that animals might eat from it, but I worry what that might do to their minds. As well, and something I am going to start to do, is look for a place which will take my cats and ensure that they are placed in a home (hopefully as a pair). If I have to put some money in on that, I guess I will have to do so. I feel obligated to them. And, I love them.
Well, on to my day. No one knows, save the breathless, what a fresh easy clean breath is worth. It is golden, by the way. Later.
.
I got everything on my list completed yesterday, save for extra cleaning here at home. Having clean guns to shoot is like going to bed on clean sheets. I only shot the Henry and the .45. Those will get a cleaning again relatively quickly. As things are warming, I do not want an excuse to not get out. I still have limits on how much I can functionally get done, but that too is expanding slowly. I also sent that package to my lady friend and transferred funds so that I may further take care of a couple of bills. Right now my finances are a bit crippled as I no longer have a debit card to a third of my income, which is directly deposited to a bank in another state. Oh, I have tried three or four times to get that changed. I have no idea why both writing and vocal communications do not seem to get it done for the Social Security office. I will simply have to find a local office, go there in person, and see someone, and make absolutely sure they can 'hear me now'. Ugh but it is harsh when it is tough to do the little you do and that is simply ignored.
I was planning to have my friend here today, for woodworking and a meal. I need to clean more and am not quite ready for a visit. So, I will delay that until tomorrow. Roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy, I believe, will be the verdict. The Lord knows, such meals are a pleasure. And more so when shared. If I have the house really cleaned at that time, I will ask my friend to help with the dishes. Such is the way of it. It is not that bad, but when I go all fancy, such as using a meat platter, gravy boat, along with the cooking gear, it piles up and I am quickly overwhelmed.
My lady friend got her package today. And, almost as quickly after, I received a phone call. Kitty was happy. Hey, bribery works. A chuckle or two even makes it better. She wanted to know if the checks were valid. Way too funny, though I like that sentiment. For a microsecond I truly considered saying "No". I love to hear a woman whine. Still, it was not in keeping with my plan so I let the opportunity slide. I will get plenty of other chances. Conan might have had some parts right when discussing success and "lamentation of da women.", though lamentation is not always a bedtime story. Just... my perspective. hehehe I like womenz.
The heart murmurs, or skipping, are not as severe today for the first time in two weeks. It was getting progressively worse, so I really am not sure. It is still there, just milder today for whatever reason. My breathing has eased a bit too, but is still a bit tight. This time or next, it... I am dying. I am still glad I gave the warning. I had been set to call my mother and others and begin looking for someone I could trust to check on me every few days. I like this home and do not wish to ruin it with the stench of my dead corpse over some extended period of time. And more, I do not want my cats to have to eat from me to survive. I do not care about the care of my corpse, or that animals might eat from it, but I worry what that might do to their minds. As well, and something I am going to start to do, is look for a place which will take my cats and ensure that they are placed in a home (hopefully as a pair). If I have to put some money in on that, I guess I will have to do so. I feel obligated to them. And, I love them.
Well, on to my day. No one knows, save the breathless, what a fresh easy clean breath is worth. It is golden, by the way. Later.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Death watch.
.
.
My heart is having problems. Like an engine with a bent rod, it thumps, from time to time. It is laboring. My breathing is not as automatic as it should be. It too is difficult at times. I still seem able to be physical, that does not seem to help or hurt it. The thump is enough to wake me at night, the worry about breath enough to make sleep difficult. I do not know if my chest hurts. I do not feel pain, always, like I should. I think my time here is either ending or at a serious crossroads.
If I do not write for a day or two. No worries. A week can pass. But if a month goes by and I have not written, at least at this point, understand that I will probably not write again. I had hoped the water pills might fix enough of the problem, but I do not think water build up was the issue. Untreated high blood pressure has probably put a plug in the thing. I just, after a few weeks of considering, decided it was time to let it be known.
.
My heart is having problems. Like an engine with a bent rod, it thumps, from time to time. It is laboring. My breathing is not as automatic as it should be. It too is difficult at times. I still seem able to be physical, that does not seem to help or hurt it. The thump is enough to wake me at night, the worry about breath enough to make sleep difficult. I do not know if my chest hurts. I do not feel pain, always, like I should. I think my time here is either ending or at a serious crossroads.
If I do not write for a day or two. No worries. A week can pass. But if a month goes by and I have not written, at least at this point, understand that I will probably not write again. I had hoped the water pills might fix enough of the problem, but I do not think water build up was the issue. Untreated high blood pressure has probably put a plug in the thing. I just, after a few weeks of considering, decided it was time to let it be known.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Okies, the good and the bad.
.
.
I had a few things in my game I wished to complete. As can be the case, the job might take a bit longer and be a bit more arduous, tedious, than first suspected. So, I pushed. For the last two days I was up until 6:00 to 7:00 getting the dratted tasks done. And, I still did not get one of them done if I did do all that was possible. Some things, I have come to understand, simply are not possible. It has nothing to do with skill or time or work. It is akin to trying to climb a rope, starting at the bottom, when it is twenty feet too short. Sometimes you cannot know until you have done all the work to get to the point of understanding. And, so it went. Fine, I did those tasks and am back on track for simple gaming.
However, I missed a fine day for shooting. My friend called at around noon, according to my phone. I think I even heard it! Doing anything about it is another matter. Those silly cats of mine even worked to try and wake me up. Sassy finds noisy things to knock over. Nothing glass, yet, thankfully. She had food, milk, and water, so I think she just wanted attention. If she did it during waking hours, I would think something caught her fancy. She does not. When I let Sam out to play I noticed how fantastic the weather was. So I decided to do something about it, if today was pretty much shot.
I got on the horn with my friend. Shooting is planned for tomorrow. Then, Saturday, I will bring him to my house where we will work on my shooting bench, and maybe see if we can get my reloader set up. The bench, first, of course. But that should go together fairly quickly. I may pick up safety glasses and hearing protection while in town. I suppose I could just use my shooting muffs. I will price it and see. I will also, finally, get that package off to my lady friend.
This also means I need to clean my shooting irons tonight. The .45 is fine, but the .22s all need a good cleaning still. I also need to get the package set up for my lady friend so that I can pretty much just grab a carry all to send it in at the post office and then seal, pay, and send. I also need to do some cleaning in order to have my friend here. I am still way ahead in that department from a week ago, but that is not all that good.
I needed incentive to get to things, I guess I have created it. After a couple of days of working hard on things, I got lost again. But I did not get so far lost that I simply melted. Oh, I am hoping the weather is still good tomorrow. If not, we may just do the wood work tomorrow and hope Saturday is good for shooting. We will get to it, darn it. I miss plinking, having man company, and just getting out. While the game is fine, and it does let me out to a degree, it is nowhere near as fun as the real deal.
Hey, get off it and get to it. Set yourself up through obligations and do not look back. You know you want to see friends, do things, and go places. So just do it. I am off to make some supper and then get to those guns, a few dishes washed, and some laundry going again. Hmm, hoping I can get to sleep a lot earlier tonight too. Later.
.
I had a few things in my game I wished to complete. As can be the case, the job might take a bit longer and be a bit more arduous, tedious, than first suspected. So, I pushed. For the last two days I was up until 6:00 to 7:00 getting the dratted tasks done. And, I still did not get one of them done if I did do all that was possible. Some things, I have come to understand, simply are not possible. It has nothing to do with skill or time or work. It is akin to trying to climb a rope, starting at the bottom, when it is twenty feet too short. Sometimes you cannot know until you have done all the work to get to the point of understanding. And, so it went. Fine, I did those tasks and am back on track for simple gaming.
However, I missed a fine day for shooting. My friend called at around noon, according to my phone. I think I even heard it! Doing anything about it is another matter. Those silly cats of mine even worked to try and wake me up. Sassy finds noisy things to knock over. Nothing glass, yet, thankfully. She had food, milk, and water, so I think she just wanted attention. If she did it during waking hours, I would think something caught her fancy. She does not. When I let Sam out to play I noticed how fantastic the weather was. So I decided to do something about it, if today was pretty much shot.
I got on the horn with my friend. Shooting is planned for tomorrow. Then, Saturday, I will bring him to my house where we will work on my shooting bench, and maybe see if we can get my reloader set up. The bench, first, of course. But that should go together fairly quickly. I may pick up safety glasses and hearing protection while in town. I suppose I could just use my shooting muffs. I will price it and see. I will also, finally, get that package off to my lady friend.
This also means I need to clean my shooting irons tonight. The .45 is fine, but the .22s all need a good cleaning still. I also need to get the package set up for my lady friend so that I can pretty much just grab a carry all to send it in at the post office and then seal, pay, and send. I also need to do some cleaning in order to have my friend here. I am still way ahead in that department from a week ago, but that is not all that good.
I needed incentive to get to things, I guess I have created it. After a couple of days of working hard on things, I got lost again. But I did not get so far lost that I simply melted. Oh, I am hoping the weather is still good tomorrow. If not, we may just do the wood work tomorrow and hope Saturday is good for shooting. We will get to it, darn it. I miss plinking, having man company, and just getting out. While the game is fine, and it does let me out to a degree, it is nowhere near as fun as the real deal.
Hey, get off it and get to it. Set yourself up through obligations and do not look back. You know you want to see friends, do things, and go places. So just do it. I am off to make some supper and then get to those guns, a few dishes washed, and some laundry going again. Hmm, hoping I can get to sleep a lot earlier tonight too. Later.
Why no steel masts?
.
.
I keep thinking about masts, on sailing ships. Wooden, for the most part. I suppose modern ships might use composites, perhaps even metals. Then I realized they had no steel in the days of the great sailing ships which come to mind. And, even if they had, it would probably would have been iron that was available in any quantity. The sea would have eaten that, and quickly. An odd thing to think about, it happens.
What else in this world is missing. Things we have that actually could be used but are not being implemented. Often these oversights are due to industrial paradigms. "We use this because we have always used this and we always will use this, material, product, style". And, to some extent, if it is not broken, do not fix it. There is some wisdom in that. As we know, however, wisdom must be tempered as all things must. A greater need here, meaning a lack of material there, and... something else must be used.
As an engineering type, if more in ideas at this point than in real world applications, I try to look at my world and design or redesign around needs, wants, and the practicalities of costs and availability. In my personal world, I do fairly well. It would be considered subpar for many, but given my circumstances, that I am not dead, in jail, a hopeless alcoholic, or worse if that is possible (it is) and that I am sort of managing to own a home... I really have to say I do okay. Automatization, my friends. The few meager technologies I can muster I use to crucial effect. The trouble comes from those pesky tasks that cannot be automated.
Anyway, it would be interesting to see a ship of the old sailing style, but made of steels that can withstand the sea, sailing the big blues of the world. Even one would... satisfy my curiosity. I may have to do research and see if someone else was both curious and industrious enough to make such a project real. I had a friend who fantasized about native Americans with compound bows. Me, not so much. I think it would only have stretched out the inevitable and probably made it much worse for all involved. But a steel boat? Yeah, I could do that.
Good night.
.
I keep thinking about masts, on sailing ships. Wooden, for the most part. I suppose modern ships might use composites, perhaps even metals. Then I realized they had no steel in the days of the great sailing ships which come to mind. And, even if they had, it would probably would have been iron that was available in any quantity. The sea would have eaten that, and quickly. An odd thing to think about, it happens.
What else in this world is missing. Things we have that actually could be used but are not being implemented. Often these oversights are due to industrial paradigms. "We use this because we have always used this and we always will use this, material, product, style". And, to some extent, if it is not broken, do not fix it. There is some wisdom in that. As we know, however, wisdom must be tempered as all things must. A greater need here, meaning a lack of material there, and... something else must be used.
As an engineering type, if more in ideas at this point than in real world applications, I try to look at my world and design or redesign around needs, wants, and the practicalities of costs and availability. In my personal world, I do fairly well. It would be considered subpar for many, but given my circumstances, that I am not dead, in jail, a hopeless alcoholic, or worse if that is possible (it is) and that I am sort of managing to own a home... I really have to say I do okay. Automatization, my friends. The few meager technologies I can muster I use to crucial effect. The trouble comes from those pesky tasks that cannot be automated.
Anyway, it would be interesting to see a ship of the old sailing style, but made of steels that can withstand the sea, sailing the big blues of the world. Even one would... satisfy my curiosity. I may have to do research and see if someone else was both curious and industrious enough to make such a project real. I had a friend who fantasized about native Americans with compound bows. Me, not so much. I think it would only have stretched out the inevitable and probably made it much worse for all involved. But a steel boat? Yeah, I could do that.
Good night.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It seems so thin.
.
.
Success that is. Oh, I know, just getting up, dressed, checking my finances, doing some shopping, going for a meal with my friend, picking up a card, and checking the mail IS thin, by any real metric. Still, even in engineering school or in the Navy, great successes still seemed thin. And, in truth, they are. If for no other reason than that they are fleeting. What you did today, over the last week, or for a whole lifetime, save for there being a God and grace, will come to naught. That is the long of it. The short of it is, as soon as you succeed, you have locked yourself into sure failure. You will, if nothing else, be competing with yourself. That is the middle run. The short run is the question all will ask. "Nice work, what have you done for me lately?".
Still, I take what I get and move on. No time can be given to the idleness of life. Do, do, do! When you can, how you can.
How do you measure success? Is it the accumulation of wealth or merely survival. Everywhere in there, some call it good enough. I suppose my real measure of success comes by way of how many people have concern, fondness, perhaps even real love for me. Those things, by the way, should they be real, are mutual. Oh, sure, I can say I love all, and mean it. But that is not the same thing. No, this is personal. So, how successful am I? I can only say for my part. And that is private. I will say that when I love it is real. It is not based on what others do for me, who they are, what they wear, what they drive, or such. And yet, it has stiff limits. I know that God says to love our enemies, but I also do not believe He calls us to allow them to slay us. This, I think, is another kind of love. Much like loving and forgiving those who sin against us (providing they repent). Such love and forgiveness does not negate proper punishment or repayment of damages. It is a messy topic.
Anyway, in a secular manner, I was successful today. I did what I wanted to do, for the most part. I planned to do too much, again, of course. But I did get a majority of it done, and more than I practically thought I would. Further, I plan to push and finish the last bits tomorrow. Yes, I do. And I think I will. Time will tell. Still, even should I complete these tasks and more... It seems so very thin.
Ah well. Good night.
.
Success that is. Oh, I know, just getting up, dressed, checking my finances, doing some shopping, going for a meal with my friend, picking up a card, and checking the mail IS thin, by any real metric. Still, even in engineering school or in the Navy, great successes still seemed thin. And, in truth, they are. If for no other reason than that they are fleeting. What you did today, over the last week, or for a whole lifetime, save for there being a God and grace, will come to naught. That is the long of it. The short of it is, as soon as you succeed, you have locked yourself into sure failure. You will, if nothing else, be competing with yourself. That is the middle run. The short run is the question all will ask. "Nice work, what have you done for me lately?".
Still, I take what I get and move on. No time can be given to the idleness of life. Do, do, do! When you can, how you can.
How do you measure success? Is it the accumulation of wealth or merely survival. Everywhere in there, some call it good enough. I suppose my real measure of success comes by way of how many people have concern, fondness, perhaps even real love for me. Those things, by the way, should they be real, are mutual. Oh, sure, I can say I love all, and mean it. But that is not the same thing. No, this is personal. So, how successful am I? I can only say for my part. And that is private. I will say that when I love it is real. It is not based on what others do for me, who they are, what they wear, what they drive, or such. And yet, it has stiff limits. I know that God says to love our enemies, but I also do not believe He calls us to allow them to slay us. This, I think, is another kind of love. Much like loving and forgiving those who sin against us (providing they repent). Such love and forgiveness does not negate proper punishment or repayment of damages. It is a messy topic.
Anyway, in a secular manner, I was successful today. I did what I wanted to do, for the most part. I planned to do too much, again, of course. But I did get a majority of it done, and more than I practically thought I would. Further, I plan to push and finish the last bits tomorrow. Yes, I do. And I think I will. Time will tell. Still, even should I complete these tasks and more... It seems so very thin.
Ah well. Good night.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Getting to it.
.
.
After a rough waking and rougher time getting my mind wrapped around consciousness, I think I am ready. Dry from my shower, half dressed already, and about ready to check my lists, look over my finances, figure out what to do, then make a game plan to get it done. Some beans, rice, and ham first though, I think. Not too much food though, just a nip of soup. I would like to get some of my stuff done then grab my friend to go for a bite to eat. Hmm, McDonalds if this is a short month for him, or the Mexican restaurant if he is feeling more flush.
Not a cold day, but certainly not a warm one either. With rain seemingly possible, the chill cold wet hangs in the air, drips down the back. If I do less in this weather, I do prefer it comfort-wise. I guess, as with food, water to a degree, sleep, and other things... the more uncomfortable I am, the better I perform. Oh well. I just cannot be a sadist. Then again, and too, I know those things only boost performance in the short run. After which I simply become miserable.
The sun is smiling, just started. I guess that is a sign. Have a great day. I hope you get a couple of your tasks done.
.
After a rough waking and rougher time getting my mind wrapped around consciousness, I think I am ready. Dry from my shower, half dressed already, and about ready to check my lists, look over my finances, figure out what to do, then make a game plan to get it done. Some beans, rice, and ham first though, I think. Not too much food though, just a nip of soup. I would like to get some of my stuff done then grab my friend to go for a bite to eat. Hmm, McDonalds if this is a short month for him, or the Mexican restaurant if he is feeling more flush.
Not a cold day, but certainly not a warm one either. With rain seemingly possible, the chill cold wet hangs in the air, drips down the back. If I do less in this weather, I do prefer it comfort-wise. I guess, as with food, water to a degree, sleep, and other things... the more uncomfortable I am, the better I perform. Oh well. I just cannot be a sadist. Then again, and too, I know those things only boost performance in the short run. After which I simply become miserable.
The sun is smiling, just started. I guess that is a sign. Have a great day. I hope you get a couple of your tasks done.
How odd.
.
.
I must admit, I have been neither flossing nor brushing through this extended down time. As things get better, I begin my pseudo routine again. To my surprise, flossing was not an issue at all. My gums are not bleeding, though I seem to have one sore spot, but I think that is due to something specific not really related to brushing or flossing. I told the dentist, last time, that my checkup was so good because I use those plastic flat angled toothpicks. She laughed at the notion, probably all the way to the bank for those who believe her. Now, I brush once in a while when I am going out. I would like to do it several times each day (when I am going out), but unless things change I have little chance of that. I floss once in a while, mostly to check. I am still amazed at my teeth. Oh, and the other thing I do, I drink two gallons of whole milk a week. I do not completely buy that you are what you eat. Not in all cases. But in this case, probably. My bones are still... stronger than they have any real right to be and there is the teeth thing.
I just got up. Moving slow. I am still sore in the mornings and I have no idea why. The soreness, as a general rule, begins to clear in a few hours. Perhaps as I become more active this will solve itself. Already took my shower, and flossed and brushed. Getting out is looking more sure. I did put the beans and ham away yesterday, and the pot is soaking. A little of that to see me off, but just a bit, and I should be fine. Shopping, checking on and paying a few bills, sending a package which is way overdue, and then some more stuff here at home when I return. I might really get it done.
Good day.
.
I must admit, I have been neither flossing nor brushing through this extended down time. As things get better, I begin my pseudo routine again. To my surprise, flossing was not an issue at all. My gums are not bleeding, though I seem to have one sore spot, but I think that is due to something specific not really related to brushing or flossing. I told the dentist, last time, that my checkup was so good because I use those plastic flat angled toothpicks. She laughed at the notion, probably all the way to the bank for those who believe her. Now, I brush once in a while when I am going out. I would like to do it several times each day (when I am going out), but unless things change I have little chance of that. I floss once in a while, mostly to check. I am still amazed at my teeth. Oh, and the other thing I do, I drink two gallons of whole milk a week. I do not completely buy that you are what you eat. Not in all cases. But in this case, probably. My bones are still... stronger than they have any real right to be and there is the teeth thing.
I just got up. Moving slow. I am still sore in the mornings and I have no idea why. The soreness, as a general rule, begins to clear in a few hours. Perhaps as I become more active this will solve itself. Already took my shower, and flossed and brushed. Getting out is looking more sure. I did put the beans and ham away yesterday, and the pot is soaking. A little of that to see me off, but just a bit, and I should be fine. Shopping, checking on and paying a few bills, sending a package which is way overdue, and then some more stuff here at home when I return. I might really get it done.
Good day.
A grinding halt.
.
.
Nothing was done today after an initial flurry. Tomorrow will be a bit different. I need to check the mail and get started on the water pill, get to the grocery store, finish a couple of loads of laundry, and do a bit more in the kitchen and house. I will get some or most of that done, I think... I have been wrong before, both in how much I get done or how little is accomplished. A box of chocolates indeed.
I did phone my mother. She sounded chipper. In spite of getting a spat of snow, and expecting more, I think she can see spring from her front porch. I have a similar sense. It is nice to talk when everyone is on board the happy train, though perhaps it is more important when we are not. When we are down is when we need it the most and want it and seek it the least. What fools, and yet, it does make sense. Who wishes to share misery? Well, okay, other than them. No one likes them anyway.
It is a bit chill here, still. And I suspect after chill, comes rain with chill. Actually, it has been raining. Spring chill is often worse than winter chill, though it is a hint that warmth is coming. I am looking forward to the summer. In my own home, near some places, knowing the area better, I really hope to get out a bit more. Even if I merely walk to the dam, do some shooting, swimming, or fishing, and then walk back, I will be somewhat pleased. If I can do that often enough to where I think a mountain hike would be in order and then follow through occasionally, I would be downright ecstatic. If I can get to hiking in the mountains several times a week, I will be downright impressed. That last is what I am looking for in order to prep up to longer hikes, overnight stays, and eventual winter camping. I dreamed of the cold winter wind in my face in the mountains in the winter, and I mean to see that happen. We are, indeed, strange creatures. Stirred to action, and epic action for me considering everything, by the stirrings of our sleeping imagination.
Well, I best get to bed. I have things to do tomorrow. Good night, Jane... Mom number 3.
.
Nothing was done today after an initial flurry. Tomorrow will be a bit different. I need to check the mail and get started on the water pill, get to the grocery store, finish a couple of loads of laundry, and do a bit more in the kitchen and house. I will get some or most of that done, I think... I have been wrong before, both in how much I get done or how little is accomplished. A box of chocolates indeed.
I did phone my mother. She sounded chipper. In spite of getting a spat of snow, and expecting more, I think she can see spring from her front porch. I have a similar sense. It is nice to talk when everyone is on board the happy train, though perhaps it is more important when we are not. When we are down is when we need it the most and want it and seek it the least. What fools, and yet, it does make sense. Who wishes to share misery? Well, okay, other than them. No one likes them anyway.
It is a bit chill here, still. And I suspect after chill, comes rain with chill. Actually, it has been raining. Spring chill is often worse than winter chill, though it is a hint that warmth is coming. I am looking forward to the summer. In my own home, near some places, knowing the area better, I really hope to get out a bit more. Even if I merely walk to the dam, do some shooting, swimming, or fishing, and then walk back, I will be somewhat pleased. If I can do that often enough to where I think a mountain hike would be in order and then follow through occasionally, I would be downright ecstatic. If I can get to hiking in the mountains several times a week, I will be downright impressed. That last is what I am looking for in order to prep up to longer hikes, overnight stays, and eventual winter camping. I dreamed of the cold winter wind in my face in the mountains in the winter, and I mean to see that happen. We are, indeed, strange creatures. Stirred to action, and epic action for me considering everything, by the stirrings of our sleeping imagination.
Well, I best get to bed. I have things to do tomorrow. Good night, Jane... Mom number 3.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
How it works.
.
.
I neither know nor sometimes think it is any of my business. When it comes to my life, a little information would be nice though. The kitchen is starting to take shape, most of the dishes are cleaned and put up, including the pots and pans. Food has been cooked, the pot for the rice cleaned right away, laundry is being done, and beans are on soak for cooking tomorrow. This is how I like to live. It does not take that much time or effort, and yet that little time and effort is not available to me usually. I can even do this and still game.
Why it works today and not yesterday anyone may guess at. I at first thought it was eating, and rice, again. But, no. I did not get to cooking until I had dug through the kitchen AND felt secure that I would continue to do so. More mess to the pile for a temporary food is more frustrating than not. I still need to get the trash out tonight, and will do the weekly complete scrub of the kitty litter boxes. The rest of the house is getting 'lick and spit' on my way through, though it will need a good deal more. I am hoping to get my house up to Mom specs, within my abilities mind you, and then keep it that way at least until I visit her, if I am able to do that.
I have no clue why the carburetor works today, but not tomorrow. Or is it the accelerator that sticks or the fuel line that fouls. There are too many symptoms, if it all comes down to pure unadulterated exhaustion. The root cause, something I cannot treat. Three months of heavy exercise did not cure it either. Every single day I worked out I had to push with all I had to get out the door or to get started, and that was with a stimulant. The only thing that showed me was that when I have the way, my will is indeed good. Anti-depressants, when stopped, led to no worse a life but ended suicidal thinking. That is not the answer. Mood stabilizers were only partially useful to counteract the anti-depressants. Talk about creating one's own problems to solve, I think psychiatrists have that in the bag, though only after learning from doctors. Go figure why I have no trust.
Grumble, mumble, gripe, and moan. I am still tired, right down to the bone. Give me a three, if you will. Cause this last line will not rhyme. :p I hate poetry, by the way. Maybe even more so the so-called sophisticated stuff. At least limericks have jingle, a little life, and are not usually nearly so sappy. Still grumbling! Bah!
.
I neither know nor sometimes think it is any of my business. When it comes to my life, a little information would be nice though. The kitchen is starting to take shape, most of the dishes are cleaned and put up, including the pots and pans. Food has been cooked, the pot for the rice cleaned right away, laundry is being done, and beans are on soak for cooking tomorrow. This is how I like to live. It does not take that much time or effort, and yet that little time and effort is not available to me usually. I can even do this and still game.
Why it works today and not yesterday anyone may guess at. I at first thought it was eating, and rice, again. But, no. I did not get to cooking until I had dug through the kitchen AND felt secure that I would continue to do so. More mess to the pile for a temporary food is more frustrating than not. I still need to get the trash out tonight, and will do the weekly complete scrub of the kitty litter boxes. The rest of the house is getting 'lick and spit' on my way through, though it will need a good deal more. I am hoping to get my house up to Mom specs, within my abilities mind you, and then keep it that way at least until I visit her, if I am able to do that.
I have no clue why the carburetor works today, but not tomorrow. Or is it the accelerator that sticks or the fuel line that fouls. There are too many symptoms, if it all comes down to pure unadulterated exhaustion. The root cause, something I cannot treat. Three months of heavy exercise did not cure it either. Every single day I worked out I had to push with all I had to get out the door or to get started, and that was with a stimulant. The only thing that showed me was that when I have the way, my will is indeed good. Anti-depressants, when stopped, led to no worse a life but ended suicidal thinking. That is not the answer. Mood stabilizers were only partially useful to counteract the anti-depressants. Talk about creating one's own problems to solve, I think psychiatrists have that in the bag, though only after learning from doctors. Go figure why I have no trust.
Grumble, mumble, gripe, and moan. I am still tired, right down to the bone. Give me a three, if you will. Cause this last line will not rhyme. :p I hate poetry, by the way. Maybe even more so the so-called sophisticated stuff. At least limericks have jingle, a little life, and are not usually nearly so sappy. Still grumbling! Bah!
Rice.
.
.
Such a simple item. A grain, probably developed thousands of years ago or more, I would only assume from some grass. I do not really have an interest in that history, the biology (such as it is) surrounding the natural and modified state of the grain, or any of that. I, simply put, have no interest. What does interest me is the grain as a food.
I cooked a batch recently, as my kitchen is actually starting to resemble a kitchen again. A few days on that feed bag has seen me to being fed, being rightly full, and having normalized bowl movements. Now, I use whole grain rice. White is fine for some but I always feel hungry after eating white rice. Which, to me, was a clue. It is also part of the reason I am trying to switch to whole grain pasta, same same. McDonald's food can allow me to function in a g.i. way, but why not do that with rice and hugely fewer calories? Not only does whole grain do all these things, but it truly takes care of my hunger with quite a bit less product. I need 3k calories from McDonalds to do what 200 or 300 calories of brown rice can do. If nothing else, compare prices, look at long term health issues, and there you go.
No, I will never quit McDonald's food. I will simply use it as a treat... for getting off my butt and into town, for doing something right, and even then only a few times a month. Plus, that treat will have to share the spot with my favorite Mexican restaurant and my favorite steak house. Given my wallet issues, treats of all sorts will be slim. It is not about not enjoying foods, it is about not only eating to enjoy, or even eating just for volume. I cannot even quite say that, because I love my rice and beans, if I cannot eat it in volume as it is quite filling.
If you want it on, eat the stuff that turns it on. If you are lost, listen. This stuff is not just good for you, it is good. You might have to get used to it, but once you do, you will understand. Consider it medicine, until you realize it is not. Yes, a plug. But it is a non-commercial plug. You can get whole grain foods at any store, and possibly even grow it yourself should you have the time, inclination, land, and such. And the plug is as much for you, the reader, as it is for proper foods. I am dying. I am dying fast. Nothing, at this point, will change it. But I want to die doing the right things anyway.
In the Navy, my nickname was Madonna. It 'gingles' with another of my names and was based on the fact that I was tight. Tons of double entendres going on there, and no I am not even close to gay. But I ran things as well as dictators are supposed to run things but in an ideal way. I expected, and got, the best. I pushed others and myself harshly, offering rewards when due. I showed and told and expected. And it worked nearly flawlessly, if with some serious work on my end it was work I enjoyed. Success is very sweet smelling. So, sue me if I still try. Dying or not, that is how I roll. Now, get some whole grain foods and eat. You can thank me later.
.
Such a simple item. A grain, probably developed thousands of years ago or more, I would only assume from some grass. I do not really have an interest in that history, the biology (such as it is) surrounding the natural and modified state of the grain, or any of that. I, simply put, have no interest. What does interest me is the grain as a food.
I cooked a batch recently, as my kitchen is actually starting to resemble a kitchen again. A few days on that feed bag has seen me to being fed, being rightly full, and having normalized bowl movements. Now, I use whole grain rice. White is fine for some but I always feel hungry after eating white rice. Which, to me, was a clue. It is also part of the reason I am trying to switch to whole grain pasta, same same. McDonald's food can allow me to function in a g.i. way, but why not do that with rice and hugely fewer calories? Not only does whole grain do all these things, but it truly takes care of my hunger with quite a bit less product. I need 3k calories from McDonalds to do what 200 or 300 calories of brown rice can do. If nothing else, compare prices, look at long term health issues, and there you go.
No, I will never quit McDonald's food. I will simply use it as a treat... for getting off my butt and into town, for doing something right, and even then only a few times a month. Plus, that treat will have to share the spot with my favorite Mexican restaurant and my favorite steak house. Given my wallet issues, treats of all sorts will be slim. It is not about not enjoying foods, it is about not only eating to enjoy, or even eating just for volume. I cannot even quite say that, because I love my rice and beans, if I cannot eat it in volume as it is quite filling.
If you want it on, eat the stuff that turns it on. If you are lost, listen. This stuff is not just good for you, it is good. You might have to get used to it, but once you do, you will understand. Consider it medicine, until you realize it is not. Yes, a plug. But it is a non-commercial plug. You can get whole grain foods at any store, and possibly even grow it yourself should you have the time, inclination, land, and such. And the plug is as much for you, the reader, as it is for proper foods. I am dying. I am dying fast. Nothing, at this point, will change it. But I want to die doing the right things anyway.
In the Navy, my nickname was Madonna. It 'gingles' with another of my names and was based on the fact that I was tight. Tons of double entendres going on there, and no I am not even close to gay. But I ran things as well as dictators are supposed to run things but in an ideal way. I expected, and got, the best. I pushed others and myself harshly, offering rewards when due. I showed and told and expected. And it worked nearly flawlessly, if with some serious work on my end it was work I enjoyed. Success is very sweet smelling. So, sue me if I still try. Dying or not, that is how I roll. Now, get some whole grain foods and eat. You can thank me later.
Shooting.
.
.
Have you ever wanted to learn to shoot? Oh, no worries about owning a .308 or a 30-30, a .22 rifle would be just fine. There are people who teach this, and for a small fee. They probably teach relatively close to where you live. As a fact, if I can get in gear, I would love to go to one of their functions. Oh, sure, I can shoot. Rifle, pistol, my mouth, that would not be the point mostly. I would like to have them cover ground I might have missed, have someone offer advice on things I might have learned incorrectly, and to just share some time with fellow shooters. By the way, women and young ones have a much reduced fee if too the fee is not all that much anyway.
The Group is called Appleseed. If you click on the name, you will be directed to their home page. If nothing else, stop by and look at who they are and what they do. There are not many causes I really go with, even the NRA has ruffled my feathers recently. This group, however, seems to be simply and purely about teaching an American tradition. I guess I like it simple. When it gets too political, it can be turned I think. Anyway...
Good night... morning... whatever. Be well.
.
Have you ever wanted to learn to shoot? Oh, no worries about owning a .308 or a 30-30, a .22 rifle would be just fine. There are people who teach this, and for a small fee. They probably teach relatively close to where you live. As a fact, if I can get in gear, I would love to go to one of their functions. Oh, sure, I can shoot. Rifle, pistol, my mouth, that would not be the point mostly. I would like to have them cover ground I might have missed, have someone offer advice on things I might have learned incorrectly, and to just share some time with fellow shooters. By the way, women and young ones have a much reduced fee if too the fee is not all that much anyway.
The Group is called Appleseed. If you click on the name, you will be directed to their home page. If nothing else, stop by and look at who they are and what they do. There are not many causes I really go with, even the NRA has ruffled my feathers recently. This group, however, seems to be simply and purely about teaching an American tradition. I guess I like it simple. When it gets too political, it can be turned I think. Anyway...
Good night... morning... whatever. Be well.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Stuck, still.
.
.
Well, it has been... a while since I have been out. I simply cannot get it going. I am still losing track of external things, but I keep my days and nights separated. And, I am aware of time passing. The cats get fed and tended. Food... well, it just has not been available to a greater degree, for myself. I keep milk and caffeine on hand, the rest sort of... happens or does not. I am hoping as things warm up I will be able, willing, interested, or whatever it takes, to do more.
I purchased hamburger at Wal-Mart. It was a convenience purchase. I have done it before and it worked well enough. This time, however, is my last. I will try to finish it up, I do hate to waste. But the stuff is retched. Connective tissue and fat that is not from the meat, is my guess, is used as thirty percent of the "product". I honestly would not feed this to my dog, if I had one. That is right, my dog would eat better than I would. I do not know if this is a change in their "product" lines, an economic reality, or if I just got lucky in previous purchases. The thing is, it was no less expensive than my usual store. I simply shopped there because I was shopping too late or on the wrong side of town without an interest in driving through town to shop. Never again, that is all I can say.
Well, I need to get to some things. Including dinner. I have not eaten in... a while. It is time. A few dishes while I am stirring and fussing out there, a little tidying up here and there (though the Lord knows, it could use more than a little). Still, that is how it goes. I can only do what I can when I can.
Good night.
.
Well, it has been... a while since I have been out. I simply cannot get it going. I am still losing track of external things, but I keep my days and nights separated. And, I am aware of time passing. The cats get fed and tended. Food... well, it just has not been available to a greater degree, for myself. I keep milk and caffeine on hand, the rest sort of... happens or does not. I am hoping as things warm up I will be able, willing, interested, or whatever it takes, to do more.
I purchased hamburger at Wal-Mart. It was a convenience purchase. I have done it before and it worked well enough. This time, however, is my last. I will try to finish it up, I do hate to waste. But the stuff is retched. Connective tissue and fat that is not from the meat, is my guess, is used as thirty percent of the "product". I honestly would not feed this to my dog, if I had one. That is right, my dog would eat better than I would. I do not know if this is a change in their "product" lines, an economic reality, or if I just got lucky in previous purchases. The thing is, it was no less expensive than my usual store. I simply shopped there because I was shopping too late or on the wrong side of town without an interest in driving through town to shop. Never again, that is all I can say.
Well, I need to get to some things. Including dinner. I have not eaten in... a while. It is time. A few dishes while I am stirring and fussing out there, a little tidying up here and there (though the Lord knows, it could use more than a little). Still, that is how it goes. I can only do what I can when I can.
Good night.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Fame, lauds, and other such.
.
.
Watching from the sidelines, I see people attain fame, fortune, and power. People, often, who should never be near those functions. How, I have asked, do they do it? Ah, I see. Again, as I visited this topic many times in my life. Question, learn, forget, re-evaluate. Such is life. Then again, exploring topics at various ages in one's life is a good thing. In any case, I have some conclusions.
How does one get rich, famous, or powerful? One learns how to sell. They sell themselves, they grab ideas and sell them, they test the markets for what is in demand and develop a package. And then they get to work. They work on themselves, making sure they live the life and lifestyle that goes with the package. Kennedy (pick one) for example lived a life of debauchery and promised things that were impossible in the long run to people for their votes. The debauchery went with the unsustainability of his economic and social policies. A package. And he sold it to the media, uninformed or uncaring participants, and whoever he could buy, threaten, or cheat into his game.
So it goes with anything and anyone famous. Some, of course, do it more as a sideline. Adding a revenue stream to minor notoriety on other issues. How many actors do advertising, create their own brand of clothing or cookware, or such? Any that can get that going. Sometimes the name is merely used, often though the star creates the line and looks for suppliers.
While this is not all bad, and to some degree not at all bad, in other ways it is the corruption inside all of us. How much are we willing to give up, change, or otherwise surrender to gain whatever it is we are looking to achieve? Political correctness must be toted by any wishing to make a large splash. It is a lie, of course, but... money, money, money. Some sell their flesh, in various ways. And, in truth, we all do, to various degrees. We have to. But... to what level are we truly willing to go? You want to have it all you might have to sell it all.
All I am saying is, I am, largely, happy to not be in that race. I am pleased to be humble and small. I have seen the options in my own life. And, I have stepped away from it. By needs as much as want, though. Being crippled leaves little in the way of attaining. Even when it became noted that I was having problems in the Navy, friends... disappeared. No one wants to be close to a sinking ship. And yet, I have consciously made the choice to back away from some options to power or fame or money as well. I like being humble. Even if YOU cannot see it. :p
Have a great day. And, if you are going to sell, sell for the right reasons. Then do not drift once you attain. The price is more than your dignity, it might be your soul.
.
Watching from the sidelines, I see people attain fame, fortune, and power. People, often, who should never be near those functions. How, I have asked, do they do it? Ah, I see. Again, as I visited this topic many times in my life. Question, learn, forget, re-evaluate. Such is life. Then again, exploring topics at various ages in one's life is a good thing. In any case, I have some conclusions.
How does one get rich, famous, or powerful? One learns how to sell. They sell themselves, they grab ideas and sell them, they test the markets for what is in demand and develop a package. And then they get to work. They work on themselves, making sure they live the life and lifestyle that goes with the package. Kennedy (pick one) for example lived a life of debauchery and promised things that were impossible in the long run to people for their votes. The debauchery went with the unsustainability of his economic and social policies. A package. And he sold it to the media, uninformed or uncaring participants, and whoever he could buy, threaten, or cheat into his game.
So it goes with anything and anyone famous. Some, of course, do it more as a sideline. Adding a revenue stream to minor notoriety on other issues. How many actors do advertising, create their own brand of clothing or cookware, or such? Any that can get that going. Sometimes the name is merely used, often though the star creates the line and looks for suppliers.
While this is not all bad, and to some degree not at all bad, in other ways it is the corruption inside all of us. How much are we willing to give up, change, or otherwise surrender to gain whatever it is we are looking to achieve? Political correctness must be toted by any wishing to make a large splash. It is a lie, of course, but... money, money, money. Some sell their flesh, in various ways. And, in truth, we all do, to various degrees. We have to. But... to what level are we truly willing to go? You want to have it all you might have to sell it all.
All I am saying is, I am, largely, happy to not be in that race. I am pleased to be humble and small. I have seen the options in my own life. And, I have stepped away from it. By needs as much as want, though. Being crippled leaves little in the way of attaining. Even when it became noted that I was having problems in the Navy, friends... disappeared. No one wants to be close to a sinking ship. And yet, I have consciously made the choice to back away from some options to power or fame or money as well. I like being humble. Even if YOU cannot see it. :p
Have a great day. And, if you are going to sell, sell for the right reasons. Then do not drift once you attain. The price is more than your dignity, it might be your soul.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Thinly devised.
.
.
The world, that is. Or more the world of men. Cliques here, odd notions there, prejudices everywhere. Walk into the world of the upper quarter or tenth, and you best be dressed exquisitely. From brands to styles to haircut, one thing out of line and you are spotted immediately. Exquisite frauds do well there, unless it is found that they have no money. Front and back, it all has to be real or the participant will be excluded. That works with the poor, too. It works that way with groups of men, women, and children. Every subset has expectations and demands. If you do not fit, you will be excluded. I have a large group of areas where I may attend, but I fit none of them as is ultimately required. For good or ill, I am my own.
Still, I look on how thinly most human relations are devised and wonder at the operation. Oh, do not believe me. Find several places you know you do not belong, if you can get in and it is safe, go to those places. Go once as you are. Go another time far removed after pulling out all of the stops to fit in. Look at what you had to do to try and fit in. Understand that is all artificial. It has all been codified into the lives of those who do fit in. Those who fit in rarely even consider the artifices at some point in their journey to be part of their chosen crowd. No, most cannot simply drift to where they are. Even bums make very difficult choices to be what they are.
Why all this fuss. Well, women. No, I really am not "butt ugly" as another has termed being unattractive. I am also not a handsome man. I am just another or maybe a little less. As I rate things. Yeah, I realize, for women it is not about looks. They may like or dislike how a man looks, but his power and leadership and some other things can overcome her notions of appearances so easily that appearances are almost laughably off the list of their real wants. However, in looking for a woman, I am looking for something more substantive. I am starting to think that it really does just come down to charming her down from shrew to wife. And any more, just getting to the goo. That is not new. Men and women are both feral, and when not confined by social morals and legal harassment, we get what we got here. What we have here is a failure to communicate. I want more.
As well, it leads into the thoughts regarding decision making. So much of it seems to be based so thinly on alliances, appearances, activities, pseudo beliefs, and such, created on the basis of little more than brands worn, profession, the religion one was born into, or other things that have little to do with who people really are or who they wish to be. I live in an artificial world. Trying to be real in it is both trying and lonesome. And, yet, I would not, could not, have it any other way. At least I have not been offered hemlock. Then again, who even knows me? *grins*
Though to be truthful, I came to be where I am by falling out of what I had wanted and tried to be. Without function in society, I have no need to kiss some jerks butt to make sure I can keep doing what I am doing so that I can bring home a pay check. I do not need to worry about my hair being cut just so, I do not need to wear a suit or other formal or informal uniform, I do not need to get along with my peers, and more I have never felt compelled to do so, knowing from elementary school on that I had no peers at my age, and few amongst my school aged elders. I fell out young then I fell out completely. Most do not have that "luxury".
Well, I best get to a few things. Have a great day. One question first. Are you real?
.
The world, that is. Or more the world of men. Cliques here, odd notions there, prejudices everywhere. Walk into the world of the upper quarter or tenth, and you best be dressed exquisitely. From brands to styles to haircut, one thing out of line and you are spotted immediately. Exquisite frauds do well there, unless it is found that they have no money. Front and back, it all has to be real or the participant will be excluded. That works with the poor, too. It works that way with groups of men, women, and children. Every subset has expectations and demands. If you do not fit, you will be excluded. I have a large group of areas where I may attend, but I fit none of them as is ultimately required. For good or ill, I am my own.
Still, I look on how thinly most human relations are devised and wonder at the operation. Oh, do not believe me. Find several places you know you do not belong, if you can get in and it is safe, go to those places. Go once as you are. Go another time far removed after pulling out all of the stops to fit in. Look at what you had to do to try and fit in. Understand that is all artificial. It has all been codified into the lives of those who do fit in. Those who fit in rarely even consider the artifices at some point in their journey to be part of their chosen crowd. No, most cannot simply drift to where they are. Even bums make very difficult choices to be what they are.
Why all this fuss. Well, women. No, I really am not "butt ugly" as another has termed being unattractive. I am also not a handsome man. I am just another or maybe a little less. As I rate things. Yeah, I realize, for women it is not about looks. They may like or dislike how a man looks, but his power and leadership and some other things can overcome her notions of appearances so easily that appearances are almost laughably off the list of their real wants. However, in looking for a woman, I am looking for something more substantive. I am starting to think that it really does just come down to charming her down from shrew to wife. And any more, just getting to the goo. That is not new. Men and women are both feral, and when not confined by social morals and legal harassment, we get what we got here. What we have here is a failure to communicate. I want more.
As well, it leads into the thoughts regarding decision making. So much of it seems to be based so thinly on alliances, appearances, activities, pseudo beliefs, and such, created on the basis of little more than brands worn, profession, the religion one was born into, or other things that have little to do with who people really are or who they wish to be. I live in an artificial world. Trying to be real in it is both trying and lonesome. And, yet, I would not, could not, have it any other way. At least I have not been offered hemlock. Then again, who even knows me? *grins*
Though to be truthful, I came to be where I am by falling out of what I had wanted and tried to be. Without function in society, I have no need to kiss some jerks butt to make sure I can keep doing what I am doing so that I can bring home a pay check. I do not need to worry about my hair being cut just so, I do not need to wear a suit or other formal or informal uniform, I do not need to get along with my peers, and more I have never felt compelled to do so, knowing from elementary school on that I had no peers at my age, and few amongst my school aged elders. I fell out young then I fell out completely. Most do not have that "luxury".
Well, I best get to a few things. Have a great day. One question first. Are you real?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Okay, now, get this.
.
.
While I was out a bit ago, I stopped somewhere for food. Waitresses, of course, flirt. Flirt equals tips, period. I know this, you know this, she knows this, wives and girlfriends (may they never meet) know this. Fine, I understand. I engaged the young woman, 25 or less and quite easily in the "8" range, being conservative. (And, if you have your druthers, marry a waitress, trust me. Anyway.) After a little this and that, all on the up-and-up mind you, she just came out and suggested where I should stop for a beer, and when. Or at least, I am told, that is when and where she goes. Okay guys, I got scooped on this one. Tempted? Lord knows it.
I came right home after, looked in the mirror, and all I could say was... WTF? Just... words escape me. And she has not been the only one. The problem is... I am incredulous. Go into your back yard and stub your toe on a pound and a half gold nugget. After which, we will chat about this. That is all I am saying right there. Oh, and yeah... these things test my celibacy. Oh do they.
Good night.
.
While I was out a bit ago, I stopped somewhere for food. Waitresses, of course, flirt. Flirt equals tips, period. I know this, you know this, she knows this, wives and girlfriends (may they never meet) know this. Fine, I understand. I engaged the young woman, 25 or less and quite easily in the "8" range, being conservative. (And, if you have your druthers, marry a waitress, trust me. Anyway.) After a little this and that, all on the up-and-up mind you, she just came out and suggested where I should stop for a beer, and when. Or at least, I am told, that is when and where she goes. Okay guys, I got scooped on this one. Tempted? Lord knows it.
I came right home after, looked in the mirror, and all I could say was... WTF? Just... words escape me. And she has not been the only one. The problem is... I am incredulous. Go into your back yard and stub your toe on a pound and a half gold nugget. After which, we will chat about this. That is all I am saying right there. Oh, and yeah... these things test my celibacy. Oh do they.
Good night.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Nope.
.
.
Again, the doctor said no. She said as a single mother, she had worked too hard for her medical license. She said I could see another doctor in the V.A. (though, after seeing three with the same results, I have no hope for that, here), or I could check myself into a psych clinic where they would, by the way, tend my blood pressure issues. Neither option is viable. The only thing I know about psych hospitals is that they need to be avoided slightly more vigorously than people should avoid academia (if seeking a legitimate education, only go there to cheat your way to a job you are under-qualified to work... that includes engineering).
I did suggest I would take a water pill I know to have had no ill effects. I am starting to collect fluid around the ankles again (and probably everywhere). No problem with that, but it looks like that is the end of the line there. The tests are back on, I do believe. They want to check my endocrine system. They have never checked most of these things out. There is a chance that is the problem. She so badly wants it to merely be a case of bipolar and high blood pressure though. They all do. It lets them off the hook for 20 years of piss poor medical care, misdiagnosis, and probably an avoidable disability case. She so wants it to be merely my fault. It, trust me, is not.
If those tests, and MRI scan and some other things, do not prove out, it looks like I am at the end of the road as far as medication and medical intervention. I simply do not have enough money at this point to pay for private medical care, which might also include looking for a doctor who would prescribe what works. As my stats spiral in the negative direction, the chances get worse. So, I guess, once again, I am on a death list. Obamacare is what you will all get soon. If you do not fit their program, you will simply be allowed to die, even with something right over there that works. Not for you. Only the bell toll for you.
So be it. I did not expect much today and got what I expected. The water pill should be helpful. My pulse is also high now, probably due to water build up. We will just have to see. That is my day in a nutshell. Oh, but I did stop at my favorite restaurant and ordered shrimp ceviche again. I did not eat anything else there, though I did buy some food to take home. And, on another good note, I was out of the house by noon. I was quite pleased with that, and even got a few chores tended before I left. Yeah, that was good.
Good night.
.
Again, the doctor said no. She said as a single mother, she had worked too hard for her medical license. She said I could see another doctor in the V.A. (though, after seeing three with the same results, I have no hope for that, here), or I could check myself into a psych clinic where they would, by the way, tend my blood pressure issues. Neither option is viable. The only thing I know about psych hospitals is that they need to be avoided slightly more vigorously than people should avoid academia (if seeking a legitimate education, only go there to cheat your way to a job you are under-qualified to work... that includes engineering).
I did suggest I would take a water pill I know to have had no ill effects. I am starting to collect fluid around the ankles again (and probably everywhere). No problem with that, but it looks like that is the end of the line there. The tests are back on, I do believe. They want to check my endocrine system. They have never checked most of these things out. There is a chance that is the problem. She so badly wants it to merely be a case of bipolar and high blood pressure though. They all do. It lets them off the hook for 20 years of piss poor medical care, misdiagnosis, and probably an avoidable disability case. She so wants it to be merely my fault. It, trust me, is not.
If those tests, and MRI scan and some other things, do not prove out, it looks like I am at the end of the road as far as medication and medical intervention. I simply do not have enough money at this point to pay for private medical care, which might also include looking for a doctor who would prescribe what works. As my stats spiral in the negative direction, the chances get worse. So, I guess, once again, I am on a death list. Obamacare is what you will all get soon. If you do not fit their program, you will simply be allowed to die, even with something right over there that works. Not for you. Only the bell toll for you.
So be it. I did not expect much today and got what I expected. The water pill should be helpful. My pulse is also high now, probably due to water build up. We will just have to see. That is my day in a nutshell. Oh, but I did stop at my favorite restaurant and ordered shrimp ceviche again. I did not eat anything else there, though I did buy some food to take home. And, on another good note, I was out of the house by noon. I was quite pleased with that, and even got a few chores tended before I left. Yeah, that was good.
Good night.
Up and running. At a slow walk, that is.
.
.
I could not get to sleep last night. I am beginning to hate doctor appointments, so either through stress, resentment, frustration, or all of that and more, getting to sleep the night before is tough. Still, I got up and am actually chucking along at a goodly pace, with or without considering the situation. My goal is to be out of here by noon. Could happen, though I am eyeballing 13:00 as the most likely scenario and somewhere between those numbers as the next most likely time I will be out. That is just the way it works.
Strange dreams have been painting my eyelids of late. Much of it themed around people from the high schools I attended, and mostly the girls. Well, all about some of the girls. No, not so much sexual, though how can one dream of women and not have a little bubble gum and sex notion going on? Especially when we were all young. Quaint memories? Hmm, I did not have a quaint life. I suppose I idealized such though. Yeah, something like that. The dreams have also been dissecting human decision making. Looking through the strata, causes, getting into the 'moment' of the decision maker, pulling back and seeing the big picture, looking at the micro-aspects, evaluating the outcomes based on the outcomes, the reasoning, emotional value, religious teaching, and many other ways. I would call it something like full blown thought autopsies. My decision stands, most people are stinker thinkers and should not be allowed to handle money or their own lives even. Thank God we have the government and credit card companies! (snark -off)
I do have an appointment today. I am looking forward to it similar to the manner in which most look forward to seeing a dentist and taking their automobile in for repairs on the same day. Oil, blood, and money to be drilled on the same day. I do not mind the dentist, though I have come to dread the shop. Those blood suckers cannot be trusted by their mother. Doctors seem to have decided it is better to see me dead than possibly functioning. It may literally be political. One less staunch conservative in the economic world is considered something which allows them to set aside the (probably defunct now anyway, considering abortion) "...do no harm..." part of their creed. Well, it is all I have. Today we will decide if we will go forward or if I will simply complete the dying process unhindered. Yeah, I know what it means.
Best to get moving. On to waking a bit then out the door. A shower first, so I am dry and clean before I walk out the door. The sun is up, out, and smiling like the blazes. It should be a great day for a drive. Have a good day.
.
I could not get to sleep last night. I am beginning to hate doctor appointments, so either through stress, resentment, frustration, or all of that and more, getting to sleep the night before is tough. Still, I got up and am actually chucking along at a goodly pace, with or without considering the situation. My goal is to be out of here by noon. Could happen, though I am eyeballing 13:00 as the most likely scenario and somewhere between those numbers as the next most likely time I will be out. That is just the way it works.
Strange dreams have been painting my eyelids of late. Much of it themed around people from the high schools I attended, and mostly the girls. Well, all about some of the girls. No, not so much sexual, though how can one dream of women and not have a little bubble gum and sex notion going on? Especially when we were all young. Quaint memories? Hmm, I did not have a quaint life. I suppose I idealized such though. Yeah, something like that. The dreams have also been dissecting human decision making. Looking through the strata, causes, getting into the 'moment' of the decision maker, pulling back and seeing the big picture, looking at the micro-aspects, evaluating the outcomes based on the outcomes, the reasoning, emotional value, religious teaching, and many other ways. I would call it something like full blown thought autopsies. My decision stands, most people are stinker thinkers and should not be allowed to handle money or their own lives even. Thank God we have the government and credit card companies! (snark -off)
I do have an appointment today. I am looking forward to it similar to the manner in which most look forward to seeing a dentist and taking their automobile in for repairs on the same day. Oil, blood, and money to be drilled on the same day. I do not mind the dentist, though I have come to dread the shop. Those blood suckers cannot be trusted by their mother. Doctors seem to have decided it is better to see me dead than possibly functioning. It may literally be political. One less staunch conservative in the economic world is considered something which allows them to set aside the (probably defunct now anyway, considering abortion) "...do no harm..." part of their creed. Well, it is all I have. Today we will decide if we will go forward or if I will simply complete the dying process unhindered. Yeah, I know what it means.
Best to get moving. On to waking a bit then out the door. A shower first, so I am dry and clean before I walk out the door. The sun is up, out, and smiling like the blazes. It should be a great day for a drive. Have a good day.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Woot!
.
.
Nothing big. I tried on the jeans I bought, finally. Though I can get into 38 waist, I am not quite there yet. But the 40 waist is just a wee loose. I could not keep them on without a solidly cinching belt. Yeah, I like it. And, as spring and then summer arrives, I am hoping to get to the 38 and maybe on down to 36 (if I will save the others). That is six sizes in about 2 years. Further, my weight has only come down, say, 50 pounds. My weight has not dropped since last summer, essentially. Smaller size, same weight... that means one thing. I am getting stronger.
Well, on to other things. I took the trash to the bin, but it is the only sack so I will not bother lugging it to the curb. I would like to have gotten recycling out, there is room only for one more bag without some effort. Still, it is mostly weeks (months?) of soda cans, so it is easily compacted. Dishes, kitty litter box, laundry, and maybe a trip to see my friend. I need to wake up a bit first. Been working on that since 9:00, a tug and pull kind of day so far. I did shower, I did trim my beard and mustache, I did try on the jeans, and I chased and ran from the "kids". Sassy loves to hunt... and be hunted too! *squeals* Or, more... *meow* She loves it. Even Sam loves to be waylaid and frizzled once in a while... Hey, they started it. And they do love it.
Have a great day.
.
Nothing big. I tried on the jeans I bought, finally. Though I can get into 38 waist, I am not quite there yet. But the 40 waist is just a wee loose. I could not keep them on without a solidly cinching belt. Yeah, I like it. And, as spring and then summer arrives, I am hoping to get to the 38 and maybe on down to 36 (if I will save the others). That is six sizes in about 2 years. Further, my weight has only come down, say, 50 pounds. My weight has not dropped since last summer, essentially. Smaller size, same weight... that means one thing. I am getting stronger.
Well, on to other things. I took the trash to the bin, but it is the only sack so I will not bother lugging it to the curb. I would like to have gotten recycling out, there is room only for one more bag without some effort. Still, it is mostly weeks (months?) of soda cans, so it is easily compacted. Dishes, kitty litter box, laundry, and maybe a trip to see my friend. I need to wake up a bit first. Been working on that since 9:00, a tug and pull kind of day so far. I did shower, I did trim my beard and mustache, I did try on the jeans, and I chased and ran from the "kids". Sassy loves to hunt... and be hunted too! *squeals* Or, more... *meow* She loves it. Even Sam loves to be waylaid and frizzled once in a while... Hey, they started it. And they do love it.
Have a great day.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
My mother has changed the menu.
.
.
She is thinking she would rather have me drive out for a visit. I am not certain what the deal is. I put out some feelers to test the wind and may have some ideas. There are some practical reasons she gave, but there is at least something she is not saying and probably several things giving her pause about travel in the near future. Trust me, I know this woman. Deviously secretive, definitely full of plots, though I would not say her plots or deviousness is necessarily evil or dark. If too I do not fully trust. She does what she does for both her own and external reasons. Now, this is fine. It will give me time to build finances a bit more soundly before the trip. Though she is considering coming out later in the year, which might not be possible. It is a money issue. This or that, I cannot guarantee I can or would do both. The drive will be more expensive than a flight and the need is for me to drive. Or the want. There are reasons for that.
I am hoping to get to a few things tomorrow. I have some bills to check, some tasks out of the home to do, and a few things in house that need tending. I have been rather lax, I need to find a way to push. I need to try harder. I want to have the home as clean when I go as I would if she were visiting. I also need to get beans and rice on the ready, maybe boiled eggs as well. I will need food to push through, lots of it. Two or three small meals a day is what is required. We will see.
Later.
.
She is thinking she would rather have me drive out for a visit. I am not certain what the deal is. I put out some feelers to test the wind and may have some ideas. There are some practical reasons she gave, but there is at least something she is not saying and probably several things giving her pause about travel in the near future. Trust me, I know this woman. Deviously secretive, definitely full of plots, though I would not say her plots or deviousness is necessarily evil or dark. If too I do not fully trust. She does what she does for both her own and external reasons. Now, this is fine. It will give me time to build finances a bit more soundly before the trip. Though she is considering coming out later in the year, which might not be possible. It is a money issue. This or that, I cannot guarantee I can or would do both. The drive will be more expensive than a flight and the need is for me to drive. Or the want. There are reasons for that.
I am hoping to get to a few things tomorrow. I have some bills to check, some tasks out of the home to do, and a few things in house that need tending. I have been rather lax, I need to find a way to push. I need to try harder. I want to have the home as clean when I go as I would if she were visiting. I also need to get beans and rice on the ready, maybe boiled eggs as well. I will need food to push through, lots of it. Two or three small meals a day is what is required. We will see.
Later.
We have a healthy snow back.
.
.
It happened over the last week. Me, of course, blithely unaware for the most part. I looked out today to see someone had cleared my drive. I need to find out who is doing this. No, I do not owe them anything. They made their choice, they did this work and have been doing it. What I do have is gratitude, something that is mine and which I feel a need to express. And, I will.
Television is such trash to watch these days. When my mother concludes her visit here, I will end cable television. Trying to make women into warriors, minorities into heroes, does not work for me at all. Women can never be warriors until you can bring me a healthy typical woman of my age and she can defeat me. Or even hold her own with me in hand to hand combat. Unfortunately or not, as is, I could kill the average women with meek punches, let alone what I can unleash if pressed. Minorities cannot be heroes until they, as groups, stop being full out thugs as general populations. There is no compromise.
Up late but up early too. Still maintain a day schedule, if that is slipping. I am doing more than just staying up, but losing my grip on "just staying up". I do not know, for sure, if gaining one loses the other. I will not even speculate. After two decades of illness, one would think they would have a handle on it. But before coming to Utah, I was all but blind to what goes on in the deeper throws of the illness. I am just learning. Who would have thought a simple move would make that much of a difference. Certainly not I. I have yet to feel the bite of winter weather on my face, in the mountains, as per my dreams. But that day will come. I will, in time, be winter camping.
I look at my body. It is strengthening somehow. After twenty years, for whatever reason, I am still powerful. My stamina, of course, is weak. But why is my body still so potent in other ways? I do not understand all things. Though I might suggest fear has something to do with it. Enough fighting, enough other trouble, constant doubt through much of life, have lead me to always being ready. My flesh anyway. It was trained young, it was trained hard... brutal. No matter what happened 'upstairs', 'down stairs' is it's own animal. That notion, at one time, really helped lead to a decision to self terminate. Then, among many other things, I learned I could trust that beast. Still, that long and it is more like... I am mothballed than anything else. All is ready. I even gain muscle and strength and stamina at an almost alarming rate. From start to stop, bench pressing 300 plus in less than 3 months after a long hiatus, and while beginning to swim, going from a few laps a day to a mile a day, three times a week, in that same period at the same time. My body is merely waiting to be activated. Odd.
Well, on to other things. Have a great Sunday. Get out and go to God's house if you can. He is waiting.
.
It happened over the last week. Me, of course, blithely unaware for the most part. I looked out today to see someone had cleared my drive. I need to find out who is doing this. No, I do not owe them anything. They made their choice, they did this work and have been doing it. What I do have is gratitude, something that is mine and which I feel a need to express. And, I will.
Television is such trash to watch these days. When my mother concludes her visit here, I will end cable television. Trying to make women into warriors, minorities into heroes, does not work for me at all. Women can never be warriors until you can bring me a healthy typical woman of my age and she can defeat me. Or even hold her own with me in hand to hand combat. Unfortunately or not, as is, I could kill the average women with meek punches, let alone what I can unleash if pressed. Minorities cannot be heroes until they, as groups, stop being full out thugs as general populations. There is no compromise.
Up late but up early too. Still maintain a day schedule, if that is slipping. I am doing more than just staying up, but losing my grip on "just staying up". I do not know, for sure, if gaining one loses the other. I will not even speculate. After two decades of illness, one would think they would have a handle on it. But before coming to Utah, I was all but blind to what goes on in the deeper throws of the illness. I am just learning. Who would have thought a simple move would make that much of a difference. Certainly not I. I have yet to feel the bite of winter weather on my face, in the mountains, as per my dreams. But that day will come. I will, in time, be winter camping.
I look at my body. It is strengthening somehow. After twenty years, for whatever reason, I am still powerful. My stamina, of course, is weak. But why is my body still so potent in other ways? I do not understand all things. Though I might suggest fear has something to do with it. Enough fighting, enough other trouble, constant doubt through much of life, have lead me to always being ready. My flesh anyway. It was trained young, it was trained hard... brutal. No matter what happened 'upstairs', 'down stairs' is it's own animal. That notion, at one time, really helped lead to a decision to self terminate. Then, among many other things, I learned I could trust that beast. Still, that long and it is more like... I am mothballed than anything else. All is ready. I even gain muscle and strength and stamina at an almost alarming rate. From start to stop, bench pressing 300 plus in less than 3 months after a long hiatus, and while beginning to swim, going from a few laps a day to a mile a day, three times a week, in that same period at the same time. My body is merely waiting to be activated. Odd.
Well, on to other things. Have a great Sunday. Get out and go to God's house if you can. He is waiting.
The mind.
.
.
It is a most occupying pastime to consider decision making in creatures such as humans. Though we have the capacity for logic, we have the full force of emotion, hormonal affects, and other things such as animal instincts all at play. Further complicating matters is the truth that a clear and direct means of logic does not always prove out in real life practice. Those are two separate sides to be considered, of course. But when viewing decision making, both sides are vital.
How much do our wants drive our decision? What about raw need? Even deciphering which is which, at times, is very controversial. What about simple tastes? I like the color blue, though usually prefer more of the darker earthen colors. Sentiments and habits play a part in everything from purchases to who we like and dislike. How much of that, in the grand scheme of things, ends up being logical if we cannot always place the logic? For example, not liking people with tattoos or piercings as some do. First, it indicates that the person is outside of many of our understandings of life and how to live it. Extremely outside of our ways. Is there a real logic to that prejudice that works? While all of this is debatable, I do think there is more going on that could ever meet the eye.
This consideration came about the other day when I watched someone make a large mistake in what I saw as a simple choice. It was not a vital decision. I did offer input. But their mind was made up already and the bad choice was acted upon, only later to be regretted. I almost think half the reason for the choice was to spurn those who would "control" the decision maker. They wanted to be free to do what they liked. They disregarded the fact that freedom has a price, that being free to always choose is not really what it seems, and that perhaps in some ways to be right means to do what you would prefer not to do. I do not think this particular person learned. They will continue bucking the system and losing. And, they will continue blaming the system or "the man", "patriarchy", "religion", or whatever other facet of reality that tells them how they can live right and tries to coax them into choosing in a reality that does not offer that many real choices.
Pick blue. Go ahead, that really does not matter usually. Choose what you remember, unless you can be shown differently. But do not choose what is wrong simply because that makes you feel free. You are a slave. To your body, you must eat, you must defecate, you must breath. To reality, or some might say true science, as if you go up, you must (in common terms) come down, you cannot walk on water, and you cannot fly. To secular truths, if you are broke no one will give you much, if you are limited intellectually you may be treated like a child, if you are less than those around you you will not be treated as a peer. Breaking rules is not allowed, not even among the rule breakers, who merely create their own hierarchy and set of rules (which fails after some period of time, as all pyramid schemes do) by which their members must abide.
Their is freedom, but it is a sliver of a notion. It is to know God. To know your limitations. Then to go from there. It amazes me how people think. I promise though, if they only think with their flesh, they are miserable. Money will not fix that. Nothing will. The flesh is doomed and even those who try to live only of the flesh, pleasures or pains, joys or whatever, deep down inside they know. Whistling past the graveyard cannot work. It just has not failed, yet.
Oh, this consideration goes far deeper and is much broader. But what I think in moments on the thing could fill volumes. No one would read them, of course. Still I thought I should let it be known that... this is not even the scratching of the surface of one facet of the massive gem I am writing about. I will think more on it for the rest of my life. If to no great ends, it passes time.
.
It is a most occupying pastime to consider decision making in creatures such as humans. Though we have the capacity for logic, we have the full force of emotion, hormonal affects, and other things such as animal instincts all at play. Further complicating matters is the truth that a clear and direct means of logic does not always prove out in real life practice. Those are two separate sides to be considered, of course. But when viewing decision making, both sides are vital.
How much do our wants drive our decision? What about raw need? Even deciphering which is which, at times, is very controversial. What about simple tastes? I like the color blue, though usually prefer more of the darker earthen colors. Sentiments and habits play a part in everything from purchases to who we like and dislike. How much of that, in the grand scheme of things, ends up being logical if we cannot always place the logic? For example, not liking people with tattoos or piercings as some do. First, it indicates that the person is outside of many of our understandings of life and how to live it. Extremely outside of our ways. Is there a real logic to that prejudice that works? While all of this is debatable, I do think there is more going on that could ever meet the eye.
This consideration came about the other day when I watched someone make a large mistake in what I saw as a simple choice. It was not a vital decision. I did offer input. But their mind was made up already and the bad choice was acted upon, only later to be regretted. I almost think half the reason for the choice was to spurn those who would "control" the decision maker. They wanted to be free to do what they liked. They disregarded the fact that freedom has a price, that being free to always choose is not really what it seems, and that perhaps in some ways to be right means to do what you would prefer not to do. I do not think this particular person learned. They will continue bucking the system and losing. And, they will continue blaming the system or "the man", "patriarchy", "religion", or whatever other facet of reality that tells them how they can live right and tries to coax them into choosing in a reality that does not offer that many real choices.
Pick blue. Go ahead, that really does not matter usually. Choose what you remember, unless you can be shown differently. But do not choose what is wrong simply because that makes you feel free. You are a slave. To your body, you must eat, you must defecate, you must breath. To reality, or some might say true science, as if you go up, you must (in common terms) come down, you cannot walk on water, and you cannot fly. To secular truths, if you are broke no one will give you much, if you are limited intellectually you may be treated like a child, if you are less than those around you you will not be treated as a peer. Breaking rules is not allowed, not even among the rule breakers, who merely create their own hierarchy and set of rules (which fails after some period of time, as all pyramid schemes do) by which their members must abide.
Their is freedom, but it is a sliver of a notion. It is to know God. To know your limitations. Then to go from there. It amazes me how people think. I promise though, if they only think with their flesh, they are miserable. Money will not fix that. Nothing will. The flesh is doomed and even those who try to live only of the flesh, pleasures or pains, joys or whatever, deep down inside they know. Whistling past the graveyard cannot work. It just has not failed, yet.
Oh, this consideration goes far deeper and is much broader. But what I think in moments on the thing could fill volumes. No one would read them, of course. Still I thought I should let it be known that... this is not even the scratching of the surface of one facet of the massive gem I am writing about. I will think more on it for the rest of my life. If to no great ends, it passes time.
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