Punishment.

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I hear, every once in a while, that the whole world, this group or that, and sometimes even specific individuals, are in trouble. Of course, this is true. The stars do not need to be lined up, the earth will not need a major (or extra) natural calamities, and nothing really needs to happen for a great falling of men to occur. We have done all the work all by ourselves. While our politicians and elites continue to make the situation worse, even good politicians probably cannot stop the disaster we are about to face and on a global scale, which by the way has nothing to do with CO2, warming, cooling, change or such. Actually, our seeming decision to attempt to intervene rather than adapt to natural changes is a major part of the harm that is to befall us.

In baited breath, I often hear how this will be God showing His anger. Often by disgruntled Christians. This often sounds to me much like the sayings of the secular elites regarding global... whatever, change is it now? His anger at our "rape of the world", His anger at abortion, His anger at this, that, and a thousand other things. And, while I do believe God has anger, it is not necessarily at us. It is at sin. I understand the bible discusses God's wrath. I also think that portion of the bible was written to men in such a manner that they then and now could read it in human terms, without an assumption of an understanding of God, and still gain certain things.

When God says, "Though shalt not...", He is not telling us "...or else". He is simply trying to teach us true physics. If He said, do not climb that mountain without ropes and tying in well, people would understand the thing as merely wise advice. But when He tells us to not do something seemingly would do in a natural seeming way, like coveting a wife, property, or such, many shake their fist at Him and say they will do what they like. God, when He gives warning, is not threatening. He simply suggests that if you do this, that will happen. Often He does not say what will happen. Hell, of course, is an option. But too, social decay, economic failure, and all manner of other ills are possible while we are still living.

I do not believe, as well, that the anger of God is manifest in the way people believe. Should we do unwise things, we will obtain bad or no fruit. If we jump off a mountain, we will fall to our death. If we drive our car with great speed into a concrete barrier, we may well die and will most likely at least suffer greatly. So, in the time we suffer as we fail, it would be best to consider that it is not God who is punishing us, it is merely that we have ignored His advice and now must bear the bad fruit we have produced.

So many people think so literally and linerally that they must, by needs, always blame God. Little people will lead little lives. Hating the only being truly capable of loving them, even in their sin, seems so odd to me. Blaming the physicist for advising about gravity does no good. Further, do what you like but you will still pay a price for ignoring that advice. That, friends, is not punishment. What remains to me is to attempt to follow His advice no matter what else happens. Even if there were no heaven, a better life is worth the small costs of following simple advice. Thankfully, there is a system in place for when I fail. And punishment is simply reality.

For America to survive, some things have to happen.

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Our borders have to be secured. Not slightly closed, illegal immigrant traffic not slowed, but the whole process of escaping to America and then disappearing into the crowd has to end. Further, those here now must be found and deported. A thing only worth the cost if the border is secure. And it is not just the borders. Airports usher in, some say, more than half of the illegal population. They simply have to be returned from whence they came. Make it a cost to the airlines, not taxpayers, and I guarantee that behavior will be curbed almost overnight. Nothing is happening on this front, yet. There is not enough federal political power in the hands of conservatives. Not... quite... yet.

What also has to happen is the abortion and divorce mills have to end. American men and women have decided not to have children, or often even to marry. The government and tax codes have not helped. Equal pay (super equal actually), employment entitlements for women, education super equality, a broken "family court system", terrible laws regarding marriage and divorce, and a number of other surprise inducing federal and state actions have all but killed the traditional family (just like the surprise shrinking home sales numbers... surprise, really?).

The last election cycle saw me hopeful but doubtful. Sure, a lot of Rs were elected and many Ds were dethroned. But, what, really, did that mean? Where there to be any real changes, or was one group of manure producers sent in to replace the last group, a bovine being a bovine, and no change to occur? I really did not know. It seems, however, that one part of the necessary change is beginning to happen. In states across the nation, new abortion restrictions are popping up, faster than organizations on either side of the issue can seem to track. Some are on governor's desks, others are making progress, some are merely suggestions or in committee. One of them is on my, Utah's, governor's desk as I write. Perhaps already signed or being saved for a signing ceremony? I can hope.

As is, it has been suggested through census data set to be released soon that 90% of population gains in the last decade... are to minorities. Mostly Mexican and such, who now have (minimally, admitted, using bureaucount procedures) about 50 million people, or one seventh of the population, give or take. Oh yes, things to ponder. I would guess that laws regarding marriage, divorce, and tax rates have no effect on some large part of this population due to the fact that they are here illegally or so marginal income-wise as to be unaffected by such, so avoid laws, taxes, and the consequences to the family, almost altogether.

The rest of it will not be possible until federal power changes hands, and even then we will have to watch. We can do nothing about the current corruptocrat, he has ears for no American. But even as bad as Bush, the Last, could be, we did have his ear. He rolled on at least a half dozen issues, including not ending up with Meyers or amnesty for illegals. Even a typical dumb Republican will dance when we play the harp, with exceptions for Redemcocrats in love with the msm like McCain. Just a little bit, a bit longer, holding fast, we will see this country whole and perhaps be able to pick up the pieces after our, and the rest of the world's, necessary fall from grace. I only hope that, through the pain, we realize socialism is the monster which caused the pain through untions, handouts, public ed, public housing, food stamps, and the ultimate destruction of the family, the free market, and attacks on God. I hope we learn. But for now, let us get things set up for recovery.

What I eat.

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Regardless of what they tell you, you are not what you eat. Well, I do make an exception in that understanding to exempt vegetarians who definitely are what they eat. However, what you eat will affect how you perform. I do have difficulty with food. Simply, eating right is a rather difficult chore. I refuse to become an absolutist, but I have been trying to drift to a better stock menu. And, my body has blessed me. Those size 40 pants are becoming a bit big. My stomach seems to be the most resistant, and yet there it goes.

So, while reading an article this evening, something that has been on my mind started receiving a bit of research. Whey products, as I lose fat and my body tightens, has been popping into my consciousness. Whether at a store and seeing the stuff, or seeing a jug of it in the background unrelated to the topic, and such occurrences. Even in my haydays, I did not use the stuff. Then again, I did not look like a body builder. I did not look half as strong as I was. And yet, I am considering it now but for more reasons other than gaining muscle mass.

It seems whey, when formulated for body building, can actually be an excellent prep food storage item. In a survival situation, short or long term, physical activity will be in high demand, so building and maintaining muscle to fill the physical demands would be quite useful. I am not, however, certain, at this point in my research, whether this material stores well. Just because something is dry does not make it a good candidate for long storage, think wheat and more wheat flour (without excessive due diligence). I found a chart, if I of course promptly lost it, which indicates protein absorption rates. The gold standard of stock foods is eggs, at 100 (not sure about the measure, exactly or what is measured... something to do with protein availability to the body from the food). There are things better than eggs, mixes of whey, cocoa, egg, and other ingredients that can be stratospherically absorptive, going as high as 160. Milk, meat proteins, and a few other of my preferred foods are rather high as well, in the high 80's and low 90s. Beans and rice (needed in combination for a "complete protein" and wheat (and other grains) are considered "dirty protein" delivery systems. The problem with my usual diet is my usual diet is highly dependent upon refrigeration, having livestock in large enough quantities, or other things which would not be available in a civil system shock, or at least not to me.

Still, as my body tightens, I am considering looking at these types of products as multi-purpose additive to my diet. This is where it becomes tricky. If the supplement is to be edible, and that is sort of required due to consumption decline or cessation caused by tolerance incapacity, and quickly in a bad situation, being worse than having lower grade but edible foods available. The better tasting products contain either artificial sweeteners, sugar, or fructose. To my mind, though more research will take place, the fructose is the least of the evils offered. This, still, does not guarantee it would be edible, but narrowing the huge field of variables even a bit makes a search more manageable.

What is good, is the article I read strongly suggested having dried eggs, powdered milk, cocoa powder, and a few other items which seem to be reasonably to store for long periods to add to the mix in order to produce a complete, possibly more edible, supplement to a diet. It is something that I could begin using immediately and it is recommended that I do so, both to get used to it, get it all in stock, and for the health benefits as is. But finding the right product with the best or least worst additives which is edible and mixes well is, as usual, a whole other can of worms to begin exploring. This while I am having trouble paying a bill at a place probably a thousand yards from where I live due to an odd inability to get going on time and to see things through? Well, yes. Something about doing what you can.

So, I am curious. Have any of you tried any of these products? What do you think about this notion? I noted that many of the whey powders are quite questionably produced, contain soy products, the sweeteners indicated, and even heavy metals. Heavy metals? Yes, heavy metals, when manufactured with little or no oversight, as much of the supplement industry is. Talk about a whole other headache inducing can of worms, there you go. Still, I am looking.

I have a steak, one that eluded quick glances in the freezer until now, thawed and salted, sitting for an hour, getting ready to be fried. It was under an ice tray... odd. It is an inch and a half thick. I will make a baked potato and plenty of butter to go with it, and a large glass of milk or two on the side as well. And, in about forty five minutes, considering the timer and proposed cook times, I should be up on my proteins. Oh, I tried sweet potatoes. And, while they are good, I think I will stick with standard baking potatoes. While the sweet potatoes were tasty, they just do not offer my taste and dietary expectation a sense of rightness when eaten. For me, sweet potatoes are a mood food rather than a menu staple.

Have a good night.

Update: The more I look for the right whey product, the more I realize you really cannot have exclusions. You do not want sweeteners added? Then find some source of medical whey, which will cost... more than you can afford, assuming you have even a slightly above average income. Even then, because of cost constraints, I have not looked at the ingredients on the medical whey products (for gastric bypass patients and such). For all I know, they are filled with gunk. So, it comes down to choosing which poison. The best I have found, on that regard, is a product that is honest and uses fructose (not the high-fructose, such as the corn syrup type). The problem with that manufacturer? Well, at a glance and so far, they use lecithin. They only suggest it could be either from milk or soy. I do not mind milk lecithin, I do not want soy lecithin.

All of these things, of course, depend upon dose. Regardless of what the FDA says is safe, all you have to do is look at the number of medicines which have been thoroughly tested which end up killing people and harshly to know that these other ingredients are simply modern gambles. How much is too much, or too little, probably cannot be compiled in a manner that makes any sense for you, the individual, as the world's smallest minority.

I have to wonder about the people who die young of some odd disease, syndrome, or even cancer, and what they ate or did that may have inadvertently lead to their demise. We live in a world of sin, therefore disease and death. But we can increase or decrease our chances at that. The problem? There is no reliable source on nutrition, even exercise, or other choices, the more so the smaller the sample source becomes. Oh, I do believe the government, nutritional scientists, and others in those fields work mightily at it. But the truth is they will never know enough. Further, should they figure out how to get you to live to 100 or whatever (though I think socially this would be a sin in modern medical ethics, as people are not wanted who live beyond their functional time) following those recommendations would just as likely not work for any given individual. A regimented controlled life, even if enforced through a lack of choice combined with no knowledge of no choice, would just as likely lead to distress and death. I would say it would be much more likely to cause either suicide or revolt.

Well, back to whey. The search will continue. Once I find a product that is best suited to consider, I then need to actually investigate the brand, find out where it is manufactured and how, look for chemical testing of the product (independent if that is possible), and make a decision. And, then, find out if that particular type of product is suitable for long or even medium storage potential. And people wonder why people just go with what is popular or simply go without? This has been true for all of time. We do have more choices today. But the bad choices seem to outweigh good product by a 10, 100, even 1000 to 1 ratio. The one who advertises, cuts corners, and outright cheats, lies, and steals will get the majority of business. The hope is that all the manufacturers of truly good product do not simply fold or sell out due to the competition. Money, while a resource and a limited one, should not be wasted in some false hope (like many of the "survival" equipment pieces (saws that could not cut a cardboard match)). With food, for storage or use, when it is highly processed, even more scrutiny and care must be lent. Imagine those people who, when it hits, find their food inedible or rotten... or poisonous!

All I need to do is find one needle in that haystack, then hope they stay in business. All the while weighing whether a small dose of this is congruent with health or not. How much artificial sweetener or soy product is simply irrelevant? By the way, they have about a thousand ways to name artificial sweeteners and notifications about soy product are often so small that they can be missed quite easily. You have to wonder though, if a manufacturer feels the need to hide artificial sweeteners and soy additions, why not look for something without those? I honestly wonder, not even being able to find bread without sugar added, and yet with a health industry decrying such, who is pulling the strings and getting junk added to everything? The manufacturers? Really? In spite of demand, medical advice, national health issues? Soros is not that rich, but his boss may have that kind of influence.

I made it.

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I did forget the 'jug of apple juice'. I remembered it about fifteen minutes out but decided that turning around was unwise. A good thing too. I made it in time to fill out the paperwork and have just a bit of reading time. No rush, no hassle, all good. The device was interesting. I barely fit in there, even with my arms raised and laid back out of the way. No, it was not my stomach. I have a fifty two inch chest. That might have come down some, as I have lost weight, but not much. I swear, half of the test is to see if you can hold your breath for seven to twenty seconds at a time, at irregular intervals, over the stretch of an hour.

Now, I had zero difficulty holding my breath for such short periods. I can hold my breath for nearly 3 minutes the last time I checked and after a few days of trying. When I was swimming recently, I was able to swim two laps underwater. I have great lungs, if anyone needs them when I die. Smoking the little I do smoke does not seem to hamper that. Actually, at one time, I only smoked, cigarettes, three to four packs a day. It turns out though, this was not a single MRI scan, but two. My renal arteries were being investigated, as was my endocrine system (or some such).

The machine, beside being a rather tight fit especially with the board they strapped on top of me, was rather loud. Loud enough that hearing protection was provided. I could hear the operator and the voice command to take a deep breath and then to hold it anyway. The tech seemed okay at first, then became a bit surly for some reason, and then was fine and actually pleasant toward the end. I am not sure what he saw or what caused the change. Perhaps having a client who simply did what he was supposed to do, maybe he saw that I am dying, and maybe he was just moody today. One never knows for sure. Still, I would rather have a bit gruff and masculine than so many of the fey freakshow "men" one often finds working in the medical field. I do not care if they are gay so long as I do not have to know about it.

All in all, it was a fine experience. In spite of the sound, breath holding, and tight squeeze into the space, I was rather comfortable. I pretty much napped my way through, just being there enough to follow directions. At least I did not hum with the machine, or sing(?), as I did when young and at the dentists office (and that to the sound of the drill). I amazed some people that day. After that my mother just chuckled. She had been upset, I think, fearing at first that my... actions... might embarrass her or make the dentist angry. Once that proved not to be a problem, it just became something she knew would happen. No, I did not do it to be cute, funny, or such. I was just entranced, feeling no pain, and napping sort of? Something.

However, the hour long time out in there has left me quite exhausted. Weird, I know. I was not able to do anything on the way home but stop for a bite to eat. I am trying to stretch my wakefulness by writing this but I am failing fast and hard. The day is wonderful, weathewise, so I have opened my windows and turned off the heat. I think I will crash, leaving things as they are, and hoping for a freshened home. I am sure I will wake in some little bit to a quite chill environ. Fine, fine, but the house will have been sweetened! Oh, so nice!

Good day, good night, and later.

Time to go.

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It is always so difficult for me to settle down and focus when it is time to get ready and leave. There are so many things I want to do on top of what I need to do. A shower, beard trim if needed again, and dressing, of course. But I need to check the tire and probably top it off. Then I need to remember to take the urine sample. I have to be there at a certain time, and early. Actually earlier than that because I want to drop off the urine sample. When I get there, early of course, I have to fill out paperwork they suggest may take 20 minutes to complete. And then into the tube I go.

After that, I am hoping I can make it to the Ogden clinic for blood work. On the way home I want to find a tire shop and get that troublesome tire tended and then stop at the butcher shop and a grocery store for other meats, and dish detergent. More? Well, yes, if I am not burned out, I would like to then stop at minimally one lumber store and ask about hard maple stock, preferably four inch by four inch by four inches though longer would be better. And, somewhere after Ogden but before a crash, I need to eat. There are other things, like checking how much money I have available in one of my accounts and writing a check from the other account if necessary. Wait, I can check before I shut the machine off. Ugh. I also want to pay a bill, but that may not be possible as that office will be open only after I should be on the road and closes at 11:00 or so. Double Ugh!

And, yet, here I sit. I even need to use the restroom. I get... stuck... or something. Argh! I must get going. I will put the water on so that I can have a quick cup of joe on the way out. I am supposed to fast for the test, I can only hope a cup of coffee is considering fasting? I need to be fasted for the blood work too. When did I last eat? Late last night. Midnight maybe, 1:00? Something like that. Too many mice racing around the maze, so many things that are supposed to be exact. Uncertainty about this and that. Go, go, go.

*poof*

Taking a beating.

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Today is a tough one. I wondered if it might be the sugar. I think not. I was starting to hit bottom a day or two ago. I think the cold came in hard and fast and wiped me out. Well, that and, since I ran out of my regular tobacco, I was outside smoking my pipe. Oh, and pipe tobacco always used to seem to wipe me out as well. One of things I purchased in town was my usual tobacco, so I am off the pipe and not going out into the cold. The temp, last I looked, was at about 30 F. Which really is not bad. But when you add in sustained high winds, you get to chill quick. Ha, I was out there barefoot for the early part of one of the cold smoke days. Yeah, not normal. Maybe that beat me up more than I thought? Maybe the smoke?

I have an appointment in SLC fairly early tomorrow. The good news is that I should have enough mojo left when I leave to shop for meats and maybe find out who repairs tires and get that done. I have been sleeping off and on, hard, for the last few days. Since before I missed my appointment. I would have made that appointment, too, in spite of my exhaustion. Sometimes my sleep patterns work out right, sometimes (usually) not.

Dazed and confused. I am hoping that after this appointment, with some food in the house, and after managing one more bill that has been eluding me for a bit, I will find my way to more cleaning. At this point, sugar has been neither helping nor hurting. I suppose my guts will begin hurting again, before long. But that is the price of even the small successes I can attain from it. All medicine has a side effect or three. Bah!

Just recompense.

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When I was in the Navy, if anyone figured out a means of reducing costs and after a few trials the process or device proved as a money saver, that man was awarded 10% of the savings. Save the Navy big, you could retire. And I promise you, some men did and with millions or tens of millions of dollars to go with their retirement. While reading the news today, I noted that a woman, after being attacked in her home, along with her fiance, shot and killed a recently released convict. The idea clicked.

I have to wonder how much the state and possibly federal law agencies and courts would have spent trying and then housing the convict, how much he would have cost in lives and damages had he not been killed, and such? Now, I would not ask the state and federal government to reimburse based on speculation or even the worth of lives. However, the costs of trying and housing are a sure thing and are getting out of control. So, my proposal would, in obvious cases such as this, reward the shooter (assuming death of the criminal) a fixed 10% of the projected costs involved.

Would this, perhaps, lead to abuses? Why, it just might. And, exactly, who would be being abused? Ah, criminals. Rapists and murderers for the most part, would feel the brunt of any abuses. Oh? Oh yeah. And, really, I am quite fine with that. If you want to see violent and sexual crime decline, at a reasonable cost in both dollars and real civil rights, engage the public in such a manner that they would happily oblige. I still think most would not simply give a coup de grace. I doubt if this woman did, the guy probably just would not go down, could not believe his "date" could or would do this to him. Still, I have no problems with those who might very well choose to do so, even merely for the financial benefit.

It is obvious that the criminal justice system is a failure. It is obvious that keeping thugs off the streets for a short time does little to change their behavior. Death seems to work really well and, at the cost of a handful of .38's, she did what millions of dollars, risk to the jailers, and all the time spent holding this fool. Hey, on a simple apples versus apples sliding scale, the state losses. Justice? He finally got that, but from someone who should not have had to provide it. Pay her. Heck, she is not even union!

I am not a good listener.

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I come into things with preconceived notions and pretty much stick with those. I can be 'learned', but you best have a good grip on logic and even wisdom. If you are weak in logic or sureness, or are too sure, you will likely have me laugh you off the podium. I prefer action to talking. Either do something or do not, but discussing a problem has never lead to a solution as I have seen things. Talking might, and I do mean might, lead to action. Action which might solve the problem. And, when you add women in as the ones who wish to talk, my patience ends about as soon as she begins speaking.

I think the sexes ought, probably, to be segregated for that reason alone. Men to go off and do things and solve problems, women to talk about problems or create problems through discussion that never existed before and will never be solved in any case. Which, actually, is pretty much what happens wherever one finds oneself in the world. Americans do it one way, Europeans do it another, and all cultures seem to have a means of keeping the sexes apart, bringing them together mostly to mate.

I am always surprised to hear men and women say that their partner is their best friend. I have to think there is some grain of truth in there. I know a few couples who are almost inseparable, in more ways then one (I am not discussing the kissy face clingers here either). They think as one, are always together, and act as one. The she becomes slightly more masculine, the he becomes slightly more feminine, and they take turns finishing each other's sentences. But I still feel that these types, usually childless or empty nesters, are an aberration of either age or natural cycle. In other words, it only works if family creation has failed or ended, only sometimes then, and is not an approach plausible for a developing family.

I am not certain about all this, or more about how this all works. But I do not think men and women can really be friends as they set about creating a family. The realities of body, chemistry, social interaction, intellectual function, and possibly spiritual realities cannot allow for other than a hierarchy favoring male dominance. Anything else is a modern remake of past failed social experiments.

I suppose that is why, when a woman sets about to discuss how to help men be men, I cannot be bothered to look more into the details. Even if she happens to be on target... La lalalala I cannot hear you. Take no offense, just understand some men need no help being men. If I knew her better, I might send her flowers though. Something about the notion that it is the thought that counts.

When all else fails.

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I have decided to go back to regular Coca~Cola. The stuff I have been drinking has brought diabetes under control. But my throat is always terribly dry and the caffeine alone is not enough to enervate me the little extra bit regular soda can. Poison, of course, but it seems anything that helps has some risk or other. Besides, I realize that since they cannot find a medicine or regimen that can control my high blood pressure, diabetes really does not matter. Would you deny a man with a hole in his liver extra morphine ostensibly for his health while he bleeds out? As well, sugar is a little pleasure. I see no reason not to simply enjoy my life a bit since the medical establishment has essentially simply sent me home to die. Oh, they cover themselves by offering medication that either does not work or which I cannot seem to take. In essence, they have washed their hands of me.

The tire did need inflation, looks can be quite deceiving. Being that I looked at night, even with a good flashlight, means little. If I can keep it going, I will take the car in and have someone check the tire today. I would also like to make it to the butcher shop. I stopped for a few groceries tonight, to include soda and milk. Meats, however, remain on the list. My computer seems to have repaired itself. The secondary hard drive is now functioning, though my game is not available as they are doing work on the servers. Go figure there. I cannot take my machine in to be fixed without the problem being present. Oh well. I still think some one is tinkering with my machine.

With the dishes being done, I am avoiding cooking for a bit. With the rice and beans, meat I will be buying soon, and clean storage bowls, I should be able to stretch my cooking out. And with travel due to this and that, eating out a bit more seems to be less of a stretch. If I can keep the dishes to a minimum, perhaps I can get to other parts of the house. As I said, before I leave for Iowa I would greatly appreciate having my home clean and tidy. To have a welcome place to return with my Mom, only needing to stock a few groceries and rest a bit after the drive back, would make life much simpler.

No, I have not given up. I am simply self medicating with the only thing that seems to offer some small measure of added function. I am dying anyway. Milk, meat, sugar, and caffeine, it is what I have left of life to enjoy. I do, however, now need to be seriously looking for a shelter I can be sure will place Sam and Sassy. And, I need to become a little more social so as to find someone who can check on me when my health goes into serious decline. It, at this point, is just the business of closing up shop in as reasonable a manner as I can. Soda, real soda, will help with that.

Good day.

Up way too long, but more to go.

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I have gotten every dish, pot, fork, and plate in this house clean. The kitchen still needs a good deal of work as well as the rest of the house. No laundry was done, but it is ready to go. And I have been dragging my feet about getting the tire repair kit and reading the instructions. It is a new technology, and one which seems dubious. Me? A doubting Thomas? I... I doubt that. Or... And? *sigh*

I ran out of my usual tobacco, so I have been smoking my pipe this morning. Along with some heavy French pressed coffee, I think I might make it to SLC. Then again, I am considering whether to simply cancel the appointment. They have nothing to offer, nothing I need or can use. If I do that, I will still have things to do today, so I will not sleep much sooner. I have a tire to get repaired, a computer to drop off, a meat and grocer purveyor to visit, and... who knows what else. Oh, right, hard maple stock to investigate. There might be other things, but. Oh, yes, whether I go to SLC or not, I do have to take the urine sample in. Still, if I am awake, I should make my appointment. But time, other things, and the fruitlessness of the appointment?

Bah! I hate decisions. Most people think I just sit here, not thinking or doing. And, sometimes, that is exactly true. But quite often I see everything, a bit too closely I think, and cannot decide. Time, as a tool, always makes a default ruling. You do not believe me? Just sit there for a bit, now longer, now... longer. You would be surprised how much people do that is absolutely unnecessary in spite of being absolutely vital in their mind. Just saying... Am I, however, the birds written of in the bible? Fear not, for as God sees to these, He shall see to you. Worry not. Or am I the canary who is going to be sent into the cave to find where noxious gasses kill me and show the others they should get out?

My paranoia entertains even me! Yes, I larf and larf and giggle when I catch myself at it. Well, until I hear the helicopter but cannot see it or the other way around! *google eyes* *larf* Oh, no doubt, they are out there, they might be watching, they certainly have the technology and perhaps the interest. But I do not think they have the power. Even if they do, I would be so far down any list that even I would see it coming a mile away. Or in the worst (best?) case scenario, I would be erased before I even knew I no longer lived. Heck, that would be better than a heart attach and would be based at least partly on my great faith, which would make me a martyr. Okay, I can actually deal with that, too. (larf)

Well, I suppose, I should get a shower, trim my beard a bit, get the tire kit in and look over it after checking my tire, then decide what else the world holds for me. Good day, good fortunes... later.

Tankless water heaters.

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More research, of course, as I try to kill time and stay awake. This time the title says it all. The previous owners left a tankless gas water heater in the basement for the main of the house and an electric tankless water heater for the master bath. Neither has been installed. I have looked into this before, and really, keep hitting a wall. Installation costs for a gas heater run, give or take, $1,200 dollars. The savings offered seems to run in the $70 dollar range (though with high usage, which would make savings much less for me). As for the electric, that is often not compared (except by manufacturers or their admen) because just installing it might require upgrading the electrical system in a home. Ouch. I have not priced that, save remembering bits when considering solar energy. I may have to see if I can sell those. I am not sure if there are enough rich fools left, but one can always try. And further, one of the other reasons electric water heaters are often not compared is that until you get to the luxury model price range, they are incapable of handling a whole house. Further, none of the models (regardless of brand) were rated well, even the more expensive models, by people blind tested or conscious of the trials.

Green technology is not only not really all that green, it is often a detriment to people's lives. Hey, if you want to go live in the desert in a sand filled soda can house, raise your organic pot and chickens, and shout at the government and the moon, by all means, do so. If you want to use bogus technology which will fail you and leave you with huge bills, either getting the real deal in or trying to band aid your junk, by all means, go for it. Building your home on sand has been ill advised for longer than we have consciously been alive. But if you really want to do that, to save gaia, just understand that no matter how deep your wallet is, it will not make fiction work and it will not bring back the dead. The whole notion reminds me of people who go to Las Vegas and come back, swearing they are ahead. They won. And they do it every time. Wow! (Chumps)

I swear, liberals are all about complicating their lives to the point where while they should be living fairly carefree pleasant healthy lives, they instead eat vegetables (or nothing or vomit their food... or rush it through their systems via various methods), they live with dangerous less than solid technologies (such as the new mercury light bulbs (while I cannot get a fucking accurate and much rarer by use mercury thermometer!!!)), and destabalize the only rational government in centuries while praising and sticking up for people like Obama Hussein, and screwing every one else with their poor political and economic choices (such as organic... you know what that is doing to the food market and how unsustainable because of the work load organics are, among other things?). They are all but ensuring Monsanto controls the rest and shortly buys them out. Do not kid yourself.

Now I will tell you how I really feel. Ha! Actually, it is not even how I feel. It is more that I feel snookered for having ever considered for a moment a thing out of an idiot Democrat, liberal, green, or other such mouth. Look, these water heaters, such as they are, are free to me. And I tell you they are not worth installing! There is a reason that when a nation becomes infected by them enough to take power, the first people they kill are their own and those like them. They know to kill stupid people, first, immediately. It almost makes one wish for them to finally just create the NAZI state type government they desire which will kill many of them off! Almost. Not quite but almost. Too many real and good people would be killed, some good people trying to save their sorry liberal, fag, NAZI asses (and just as likely ratted out by the very people they were trying to save, as a final 'thank you').

Doing research in my off cycle time.

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Something I have been considering is what to do in the kitchen. Now, it is fully functional, more so when clean. So, that is not really the issue. Not completely. What I have a problem with is usable counter space, hence the notion regarding installing an island, perhaps now as a temporary device and later as a stationary piece. (Should I ever get that far, survive my health issues, come up with the money, blah, blah, blah.) I really enjoy butcher blocks, for a number of reasons. So a three inch thick, or thicker, block, on a mobile island, would be a wonderful addition. Not only would it provide "counter space", it would be wonderful to have counter space I could feel secure chopping, cutting, and otherwise slicing away upon.

So, I went shopping. Internet window shopping is not new, though I have not been doing much of that in quite some time. And, that is probably why I have a few coins still in my pocket (for what they are worth, again though... beside the point). First I looked at what a pre-built island or even stand would cost. The going rate for something as small at eighteen by twenty four inches started at nearly $600 dollars. All the starting models included was the three to four inch butcher block on top of four too skinny looking legs. The price for a near island of the thicker butcher block material began at about $1600, then up to topping off my blood pressure. Hmm, nice notion. So, I decided to consider, again, a dyi project and began looking for ideas. I also looked for notions regarding cutting boards and butcher blocks. What I noted in most dyi projects and purchased butcher blocks is that none of what I saw worked with the offered specs regarding butcher blocks.

End cuts were always recommended by dyi'ers and were advertised by sellers. Check, that works. The problem is the recommended size of those end cuts, which was nearly four inches by three inches, was never used in either dyi'ers' plans nor pre-built offerings! Usually what was shown was, say one and three quarters inch by two to three inches on down to one inch by one inch looking end cut blocks. Too picky? Maybe. I also looked at lumber offerings. The only thing I saw in an hour of searching was one offering of four by four by thirty inch blocks, marked as furniture maple. I did not see hard, sugar, rock, or mountain designations and these (I think) were marketed for turning as table legs. Which, to my way of thinking, means they were probably soft maple.

If I get to town today, before heading to SLC, I may stop at a lumber store or two and ask about their stock in, say, four inch by four inch by whatever (at least four inches) pieces of hard maple. My guess, either not available or custom thus much more expensive. I would like to get prices for stock to know if a dyi project is even remotely worth the savings, or if there are any savings. It is so bad today, when everyone will sell you anything and not know what they are really selling you, not care whether it is what you actually need or want, and have a stupid punk smirk on their faces the whole time. They think it is cute to sell in an almost nihilistic manner. Look at the next stranger, after the sale. I swear, they are evil anymore. They think they took you, and probably did.

Why would a butcher block be cheaper to buy than to make? Well, let me see, some place like China where they use questionable wood (might not be hard maple, let alone hard wood), companies who are legitimate finding that millionaires to buy their overpriced goods have disappeared into the woodwork needing simple cash to get by and letting stock go for less than they paid for it as a short term hail Mary, and a few other reasons. Well, that and you almost cannot beat mass production, even counting your time sometimes. All that and the recommended cuts for butcher blocks have to be set aside because the lumber does not seem to be available.

Crazy? Me? Who are you kidding? People are living in a fantasy. They have $1,600 and up pieces of furniture that are, essentially, only for looks. I happened to glance at furniture too. Other than Amish, I saw bedroom sets for $5k, which were... veneer? Really? They are deluded. How many other things do people have, which they think will always work and well, which are frauds? For one, I think of the automobile industry. Most cars, if they are not flat cheap basic models, unless they truly have extra features which add to true utility (where it can go, what it can haul, how many it can haul) is based on a fraud of selling points by slick advertisers. You can almost simply melt most vehicles without all that much heat. Bah! Angry, not crazy. Still, I will stop at a couple of lumber stores and see what I can see.

Oh, and never buy furniture from almost any store if you are looking for anything but trailer trash furnishings. The Amish seem to sell better solid wood furnishings (mostly minus walnut, as it is much harder on hand tools). But if you want pieces that will last, I would recommend estate sales (but look the items over closely, anything made in the last half century is suspect) and the Amish. You will pay much more to the Amish than you will to JC Penney or RC Willey but your furniture will last longer than you will. If your future ends with you, ignore all I say. Though mine, currently, does. I at least pray to change that. And, so, I prepare.

Oh, I had almost forgotten the brots.

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No, not steak, not by a long shot. Steak has that tender but firm texture sausage just is not able to match. The fat in sausage is usually a lot richer, or heavier, or something. Beef fat, paired with good tender powerfully beef tasting muscle is the best fat around. And yet I will never really complain about brots and some other sausages. The goods ones, like the ones I buy, are a treat of a different nature, rather than a lower order.

I have tried to cook brots a dozen different ways. The best way I have found to cook them is to boil and fry them. Tonight, I had two packages, so I tried frying first then boiling and the reverse, as much because I had the hot water left from the last batch and did not want to waste both the energy in the pan of water and use my own energy to wash and restart the cooking process. Curiosity threw it's hat in the ring as well, of course. I cannot tell a difference between the ways. Then again, when you are as hungry as I was, perhaps it is not the best time to compare nuances in food.

This gives me meat to add to beans, rice, or a mixture, or to just eat cold. Yes, hot with mustard or ground horseradish or cold as mobile food, brots are very good. Mixed with beans, rice, or several other things adds excellent variety and will fill you up quickly. The fat is mostly cooked out, being boiled then fried. What is left is just plain good meat, savory spices, and just enough fat to exclude the need for prunes. My eating of beans and rice has already done that. This just keeps blockage immunization up.

Now, to do a little bit of cleaning, put a load of laundry in the wash, grab the tire repair kit from the car so I can read the instructions and make sure my tire is good, then maybe a trip to town. When I have it going, I hate to see anything wasted. I have little time to tend to real needs, waste is trouble. This may mean a long "day", staying up to get to SLC on top of everything else, but that may just have to be suffered through. Besides, if I went to sleep now, I am pretty sure I would not wake up in time to get to the tire, which would make getting to SLC impossible anyway. What was it we said? Ah, right, hurry and wait... in the Navy. Either we had long stretches of little but the mundane, or we had moments of huge effort, lasting hours, sometimes stretching into days, where all feet were on the deck, ground, or wherever doing whatever was required, which was often more than any one man could often truly consider. Even the Captain, crew chief, chief, or whoever had to take advice and often contradictory advice, and muddle through using his balls, brains, butt, and elbow grease. Today is one of those days for me. Thankfully, no one will die if I mess up... though a bad tire can be dangerous on an 80 mph road.

Well, on to what I need to do. Though I think I am going to have one of those now cool remnant brots. Later.

Hungry.

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With the notion of steaks on my mind, because of my intentions at the butcher shop, and being frustrated by mistaking the day thus expecting steak when it is not possible, my mind is on beef. Something I might find a work-around regarding until I can actually purchase then prepare a proper meal. Having said that, I found a post on AOS, which lead me to The Food Lab and an article regarding myths and truths of cooking steaks. Oh, my. Well, after I got over the pictures, wiped the drool from my chin, regained composer, and started thinking, I decided to read a bit.

Some of these things I have always wondered about, such as turning steaks with a fork (which I do). As well, salting. Alton Brown suggested, IIRC and I think I do, that salting steaks at least an hour ahead was the way to go. It is something I usually do, forgetting once in a while and just salting and cooking right away if I happen to forget. Well, it seems I am good there, too. One thing I have not been doing, but will do now, is flipping ever 30 seconds or so. Now, something I will continue to do is allow the steaks to get a decent sear before flipping that first time, and one each side. Let the steak get a bit of a crust. I usually let it sit about four minutes. I will probably cut that to two or fewer minutes, just letting the steak release before flipping. A bit of both seems better, considering my experience and other advice.

Oh, I cannot wait for that first steak. Even if it is raining and a bit chill, I think it is warm enough to fire the grill up and cook a handsome meal, meant for a man folk. Tuesday is the earliest possible, but knowing me, it will not happen until later in the week. See, even the things I want and love... are on hold. And it stinks. But, the steak is always worth the wait. Conservationism through procrastination, it is as good as I can do and more than I wish to do. Ha!

I am no dunce, but...

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Looking over solutions for similar problems and solutions offered online is fruitless. I found no exactly similar issues. I have heard that it is a software bug, a trojan, and all sorts of things. I swear many people out there really should not be offering advice, by the way. The ones who offered advice that seemed to fix the problems were ITs, and they were usually conversing with other ITs. The tools they used, the information they required, and the work that was done are all well above my computer knowledge paygrade. So, tomorrow the thing goes in.

As much trouble as computers are, it is a wonder that most put up with them. They actually bring carburetors to mind. And, as with those, only a few actually knew (know? are they still around much?) what they are doing with them. Take a carburetor to the wrong shop and you will very possibly end up with a paperweight. Possibly a very expensive one. With computers, there is always the possibility that a poor tech might blow every component in the machine, but that is unlikely. At least with computers, a good tech can usually fix what a bad tech did and fix the initial problem. The thing is it will cost all along the way and leave you without your computer until, well, until whenever the tech gets to it, as long as it takes to fix, and when he decides to contact you. The difference is, with a carburetor, you knew if it was junked. With a computer, they can get it to limp by and just seem fixed. You will never know if you had a great tech or a mediocre one, until it breaks again, and again, and again. Even then, it might be difficult to know.

At least the internet is functional. If I could do other things, I would probably junk my computer and go do it. Being exhausted so often leaves only sleep or computing. I would rather compute. Gaming, blogging, reviewing non-msm news sources, and researching topics I have hope to dig into or a need to know, the computer gives me legs, a library, entertainment, information, and some small connectivity with the people out there who are of interest. So, I am stuck. Bah! Failing tire and corrupted machine in the same month is going to hurt. I just hope nothing else pops up or down...

Later.

Ah, what has happened.

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The failure of my game does seem to be the computer. But a new hard drive probably did not just fail. So, what is happening in the guts of the thing, I cannot say. But, that is the problem as is. The hard drive containing the game is failing to be read. I will, on my way to SLC, have to take it in for repairs tomorrow. I will probably pick another shop this time. The last shop is fine, but a long drive and a feeling that something just is not right. So, I will drop it somewhere in Logan on my way to the big city.

I have, finally, started my 24 hour urinalysis. The jug they give is huge. I laughed when they handed it to me the first time. I was amazed at their optimism. I, somehow, ended up with two of those jugs. My laughter has turned to doubt. I may actually need both jugs. Perhaps it is the water pill, but maybe I simply underestimated how much volume a human typically voids. It took months for me to get to the point where I had a.) eaten a heavier salt diet for three days (as often I was not even eating), b.) set the thing up and had ice on hand as I was not putting the thing in my refrigerator, c.) was awake and aware enough to void first thing into the usual receptacle and THEN actually use the container. It seems such an easy thing, but when very tired all of the time, a change in basic patterns is very difficult to accomplish. Some things, other than just bill paying, are put on such a powerful automatic system, that altering behavior is a massive undertaking. How sad. Though I wonder if most people are pretty well automated, if a little more consciously able to create flexibility? Yes, probably. The eke factor of urinating in a jug is there too. It just seems wrong, somehow. That, of course, is medicine and science.

I am hoping to get more done in the house today. The dishes are all but done, beans and rice were cooked and put up. The dishes that remain are mostly from that. A few loads of laundry can be gotten to as well. But going to the butcher shop is not possible. I had gotten my days mixed, thinking today would be Saturday. As in all God-fearing respectable places and being that this is actually Sunday, the butcher shop is not open. All good. Still, it will not be until Tuesday at the earliest that I will be able to make a trip to the butcher shop. I am thinking about a run into town to get the other groceries though.

I seem to be having a tire that is going flat. The service department may have filled it, or overfilled it. The other tires were all at 40psi, 4 pounds over recommended. But the flattish tire was way down. Now, I usually check those and keep them at 36psi, so I do suspect that the tires were filled. The reason, though, that I have trouble believing they filled the one tire was that it was way down immediately. While when I fill it, it goes down over days. I need to get that in to be checked, but am not sure where to go at this point. Even at trusted places, it is best to go in knowing what the problem is beforehand. They see a noob, even so called trusted places see green. I hate to say it, but do not even trust you mother these days, not in some things.

Well, on to checking the computer and seeing if I can get that working, while I wake up. Then for a few other tasks. Good day.

Gold!

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Gold, silver, diamonds, all somewhat portable and always of some value. Gold has been climbing, and for quite some time. The problem, as I see it? The reason gold is going up slowly is because someone is buying it. I thought Soros, or a few other billionaire types at first. Buying to get a peak, then selling to get rich. I now suspect China, OPEC, maybe Russia, or all of them. Though I suspect China specifically and more deeply. I think they thought oil at first, then gold, would buy them out from under the dollar, and allow them the crush the dollar. Now, actually, I think they are trapped. I am sure some pharaohs might have felt the same, should they have not actually been dead when entombed. Midas had to, eventually, have known that feeling if I do not remember how that story actually ended.

I would not buy into gold. If I had gold, I would truly consider selling it. The thing is, what is safe to put one's money into. What will keep it safe? The answer? Nothing static. Buy beans when they are down, sell them for gold on a slight rise, sell that when it peaks and cash out. Even if you owned a billion dollars worth of beans in a starving nation, what would people pay you with for the beans? If I were rich I would be scared. Especially when governments and very wealthy ideological actors are first trying to get your money then make it so there is no secure way in which to make more, or wealth really.

Being poorish is no great boon in that I cannot properly prepare quickly enough for an inevitable bottoming out of all and everything. This and that, sure. Those and these, okay. But all in small quantities, not sorted or stored the best, as good as I can do with condition and available income. Still, I will not lose billions, or millions, or... really anything but a rather humble income. I may be king among cripples, financially, but that is not saying all that much.

No, anything you might go into because it is on the rise is being used as a vehicle by someone far richer to corner. You will most likely be cornered. Do not borrow from the bank and do not bet against the house. If I really did have a ton of money, arms, bullets, food, and a secure place would be among the things I would be looking into. I see so many looking for a huge spread, far removed from neighbors, in rugged but tillable arable land. Really? Unless you also have a small army, one which you can control when money is worthless, I think of that as becoming a rabbit in a trap. Small, conservative, towns. Towns near good sources of water, potable water. And perhaps horses, or if rich enough solid vehicles, fuel and oil dumps, and a part depot.

I can only imagine the first time the truly rich begin being burgled by hungry mobs, asking their favorite CNN reporters why these people do not just eat Arugula. The surprised look on their faces as the thieves stand bold faced and tell the rich they owe the poor, then slaughter them as well. Of course, these same will take from any who are weak, and whatever they want while they have the power. Do not call 911. If you are weak, take the same advice I gave the rich. As is, in spite of being crippled, I am not weak. And, I took my own advice.

I am not sure how I am going to go about fitting in, here, though. I really am crippled. These people work, hard working at that. They are always doing something for pay, for their families, for themselves. I... sit. And watch. We will see, maybe I can get to doing more. The Lord knows it is in my heart if not in my body to "do". Nailing or cutting boards, building a cabinet or wielding iron or steel, washing dishes or cooking... I like doing these things. And I love to tinker, fix, break, and examine things. I am the right man in the right place with a broken body. But, I am here. That is a start.

Computer troubles.

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My internet works but my internet game and a voice communication for it do not. Actually, this happened late (or early as the case actually is) yesterday (or this morning, identifying then communicating a particular day(s) gets messy when sleep is disrupted). My computer is telling me that the drive or network connection to my game and the subprogram have failed or are not working. And, as I said, I can still get on the internet. I have a group of suspects, since it seems to be on then off again. I suspect WoW itself, the owners or operators depending on which of those would be morally blamed. I also wonder about my ISP, they hate bandwidth chewing games. And, possibly, a hacker who read my post and thought to "lend a hand". No, it probably is not the computer. I do need a new computer, for security if nothing else.

To be sure, any MS system has built in security back doors for themselves and the government, and probably any corporation with deep enough pockets to buy the keys. Which means your average bored teenager will find it eventually. But with XP, MS has pretty much decided to kick that os to the curb so are just as likely fostering hacks for it as anything else. Not that I think there is anything wrong with a company of hackers, weighing in on politics, possibly blackmailing politicians for this or that, involved with corporate spying, or hacking into people's personal lives and purposefully exposing them to vulnerabilities because they cannot afford a new system (if that is what they are doing, of course). No, no concerns there at all. Well, a newer system is what is required, in any case, for what little security is to be had.

Grumble, mumble, bitch, and moan.

Gimme a dolla!

(That was a joke... as you may note, you have no way to give me a dollar and I like it like that... I am not for sale.)

As for someone giving me a hand? It does not work. I only have so much energy, no matter what else is happening. Without my game, I will simply begin sleeping more, offering me zero chance to possibly get to anything rather than the slim chance I currently have. If it is you, knock it off. If it is not, find who did it and let me know. I will do the dirty work, and gladly. Just, have evidence. Bah!

Beans and rice.

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And cleaning too. Not a lot, but enough cleaning to get to the bean pot. There are just a small number of dishes left to be done. Cans have been sorted, some tidying has been done, but the heavier cleaning waits, languishes. The rice is cooked and cooling, the beans are finishing their cooking. I already had a small bowl of rice, butter, salt, and pepper. Numm! I really do like brown rice.

I tried short grain, to be different, this time. I currently have short and long grain rice on hand. Honestly, I cannot tell any real difference between long, medium, and short grain rice. Even in a visual inspection, it would take an uptight lefty or farmer to tell the difference, really. I did not really compare prices per pound or look for nutritional differences, but I would guess they are pretty much all the same. From now on, I will base my purchases purely upon price (from among better producers, minus organic). One thing I will do, I will buy better rice (already am) and beans from here on out. You can buy beans very inexpensively in generic brands. And, actually, I find no stones or dirt in even these. However, what I do find in basic beans is old, green (moldy), and broken beans in generics. I, however, would not even consider organic beans. They are way to expensive and very possibly problematic. The varieties they use have not been well tested on larger population bases and there may be a reason heritage crops did not see wider use. The lore regarding why one crop is not chosen is lost to history quite often, for political, economic, and other reasons. It is always assumed to be purely economic. My guess is that is often a bad assumption.

I need to get to town tomorrow. Beans, rice, and eggs are on hand, but no meats are to be had. This is a meat house. This is a sad meat house. I need to stop at the butcher and see what they have fresh. I do not like buying their old (frozen). If it is not under the glass or a fresh hanging cut, I simply have to leave it. Butcher paper either does not do well with frozen meats or their frozen meats are a little dated. Could I be wrong? Only if butcher paper is purely to blame. But their fresh meats are absolutely fantastic. A roast of steaks, cut to my specs, a couple of whole thick chuck roasts, and some other meats must be had. As well, I need to buy 10 pounds of ground beef and 5 pounds of ground chuck, which since this is never fresh at the butcher I will buy at my usual store. No problem, I need milk as well. Meat, meat, meat meat meat. How did that vegetable get there! Ackh! Run away, run away fast! Oh, I like vegetables, they just do not seem worthy of the bother to cook, regardless of what some over-educated, under performing, medicant says. Meat! Grains and legumes... for filler and to some degree taste, along with prepping. But meat in the meantime.

Laundry tonight, and finishing the dishes and cooking and the storing of those foods. Tomorrow I need to finally do that 24-hour urinalysis. I void the first time, tomorrow, without saving it. The rest of the day I use the container (I bought ice to keep it cool in the lavatory, in one of the smaller old kitty litter pans), and then I void into their provided container first thing Monday morning. And, since I go to SLC Monday for an appointment, I can give them their due. Do not drink it all at once! It took me a day to grow that. :p Bah!hahaha

Well, on to tinkering as the beans finish. I am looking forward to a bowl of those, too. Fresh warm beans move me. Sometimes even a way that brings back my boyish giggles and makes me want to test it in a bathtub. Wee! Look mommy, bubbles! Oh well, even Doom can get lost in reverie. Oh, I am skimming the beans for the first time. A foam begins to develop as the beans are cooked. I read somewhere, in recent readings on such topics, that there was a reason to do so. I remember neither the reason nor the source, but I am trying it anyway. I might have to revisit why I do what I do? Nah.

Later, or good night.

Japan, cats, and other things.

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I keep hearing about sending aid to Japan. As with Haiti, the drum rolls and the hat passes. And, thoughtlessly, I pondered that. Who would I give to and how could I trust them. No, not just trust them to use the money for charity work but to make sure they were not, say, adding strings to it. For example, offering food but requiring condoms to be handed out free; to offer shelters, but require this or that which I find more than objectionable. Then it hit me, just as it did with Haiti, Katrina, and the other disasters. Great care has to be given in how much is offered. Too much and people go on the lam. Japanese culture could not withstand this. No. So, I am considering what to give if to give at all. Not that my sentiments are not with those people, much more than the people of Haiti or Katrina. Actually, that is a part of it. Sentiment, certainly. Prayers, of course. Money? Do they really need it, will it be used correctly, what strings will be attached? Careful.

On to cats. Strange creatures, to be sure. Intelligent? Yes. If you try to change a behavior a cat does, it may simply use that behavior to garner attention. Sassy is the best at this. Sam is older and more evenly tempered. Sassy does not care if I am yelling and chasing or petting and scratching, it is all good in her book. She knows the worst I will do is put her outside for ten minutes. Changing her behavior is... probably a losing battle. I hope she matures out of it. As is, she knows how to get popo going. As I said before, hitting a cat, even in the act, is nearly meaningless to them. The younger they are the worse the chance a connection would be made, so that is out. Water seems to work, but is just as meaningless to Sassy as hitting her is. The "experts" suggest spraying her with water while she is doing something unfavorable without letting her know it is you. Have these experts ever even dealt with a cat? Oh, my, what big ears you have. What a big nose you have. What fine eyes you have, kitty. Ah, dear owner, the better to know where you are at all times. So, drop the squirt gun and come out with your paws, I mean hands, up. Bah!

A window may have opened. To the ends to getting further into cleaning, I have turned the heat in the house up a bit. I hope to finish the dishes tonight, set beans to soak, and cook another load of rice. A more steady diet has been helping. It is not enough. So, rather than 66 F, I am running 68 F, and when I think I can get to things, 70 or 72 F. I truly despise heat, and 72 is hot. But that seems to enervate me, something I need. The thing is, that like caffeine, this only works on a short term basis. Too long in higher temps and I begin to become, of course, lethargic. I only have tricks that can sometimes work. Fear, if it is real. Physical discomfort works for a bit. Hunger and thirst, though a form of discomfort, work for small bits of time. Whatever would normally make one grumpy or angry or even to some lesser extent simply emotional can help me get to things. So, when I get windows of opportunity but am not quite there... bring on the pain.

Good night, or later.

No, the ticker is on the fritz.

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Coming and going, staying away for a few days at a time, then coming back. It is not as bad as it was but the extra beat is here to stay. I am not sure how much of a risk it is. I am pretty sure it is not good. Then again, I have lived with incredibly high blood pressure and diabetes for a rather long time. I somehow doubt if I get to dodge the coming economic bullet that easily. I just hope that if I have a heart attach or stroke, I do so here at home. A heart attack has a good chance of being relatively quick. A stroke, on the other hand, will bring days of suffering before dehydration death. Still, I actually think I prefer that to "medical treatment". No open heart surgery, no opened chest cavity, just leave it alone. I swear doctors just like to experiment anyway. Is surgery a fetish? Are procedures sexy? I do not know, but I do not trust. I have had my fill of medical "help".

Sassy has become pretty fritzy. Not sure what is up with her, but she is about a year old now. Even fixed, and before maturity, I think she is looking for a man cat. And yet she does not have quite enough push to, well, actually find one. I would not be able to keep her indoors if that were true. Sam is doing well. She just amazes me. I have learned enough of her language through action to know what she means between 40 and 60 percent of the time. The only major thing I am not sure about is when she comes over, puts her paws up on my leg, then lifts one as if waving hello. I just do not know what that means. Most other times, I get it and right away. And, usually find a break in whatever I am doing to give her what she wants. Crazy girls, but I sure love them.

Well, off to bed. Very late, my schedule is still a bit off. I fight it, but for now it is what it is. Stupid naps! That is what threw me off, a single nap that turned into a mini-sleep cycle. Then again, I am not sure I could have stayed up. Perhaps I am simply facing my old, original, illness. It is an unbeatable force. I even thought back to the days of the Navy. Often I did not want to work, not only did I, but I could. Something simply changed. Good night.

If you did not see it coming...

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There should be no doubt left. What we are headed for is NOT a minor glitch in the systems, government, and wealth we have known. This is not a one year, or even ten year, slow down. If we are to survive with more than the shirts on our back and little else, and then only possibly, we are going to have to change the way we do business, how our government works, and how money is created and used. The rest of the world can go hang, they have for most of history. We are not, as our mother's might have said, just like everyone else. Or, at least, that is my hope.

As for the end of the world. This I cannot say. If I see Mexico City disappear under lava, if I see California separate and mostly sink, if I see China sink, if I see oceans turning to blood killing off millions of fish, yeah, maybe. Until that time, do not think you will get off that light or that easy. You will be alive, living in a corpse that will quickly go feral. If you do not prepare, you will kill people to eat, perhaps even eating those you killed. You will become the basest of your animal instinct. You... do not want to go there.

Preparation is overwhelming, seen as a whole and in full term. So do not look at the whole. Look at what you can do. Store enough extra food to see you through four weeks. Make sure it is food you can tolerate, make it food that is easy to prepare, some of it without the need to cook, and buy containers to put enough for a gallon a day for a month, then fill those. That is all, for now. It is about where I am, if I also have 80 pounds each of beans and rice. When you get that done and have the food on rotation, think further about it. I know, money, time, effort. I sometimes squeeze by with as little as $500 in a month for anything other than bills.

Another way to think of it is to think of food as the new currency. If money becomes meaningless, as it is fast becoming, food will be what you buy other things with as well. At least unless you have other goods or services people not only could but would want. Can you cut hair and do you have the tools? Can you tend children, the elderly, or livestock? What real services can you offer? Think about it and stock up. I, for example, can be security. I can train men for that as well. I need to boost my capacity in long arms, that is more than rusty. At least scoped shooting. I can also haul, lift, and am tall so I can do things others might have difficulty with.

Disabled as I am, I wonder about life after cataclysm. Will the world slow enough that my speed is more acceptable? Today, one has to go to work and be there all day, five days a week. But when simply getting food and wood, managing to keep one's home stapled down, and making sure the fruits of one's labor and their neighbors is secure, is what is required, perhaps my more sedate manners would be more acceptable. Working when I could, resting when I cannot, with a hungry belly or several to keep me on the move a bit more than I am at this time. Either that or I will die a hard death of starvation. I do not want to see this tested, but I think, if nothing changes in a huge way, I will see that. Even if those changes come, it will not completely avert paying a dear price for our foolishness.

Pray. Talk to your friends and family. Strengthen bonds and stock up. This is going to hurt. Every time I go to the grocery store, I realize we are in serious trouble. I know those dear prices are just the tip of the iceberg. The upward momentum of which is unstoppable. I just pray, pray strongly faithfully and hopefully, that the ship stays together long enough to get a real captain in the presidency. An actual man needs to be in place, a strong one too. He may have to fight the mob horde to save the worthwhile few, or choose the unthinkable. The socialism, or really communism, the current beast in office would absolutely choose.

Get to it, the clock is not on your side. Either you are a beast or a man. Take your pick and be prepared to be a little of each even with the best of those choices.

Some thoughts on family folk I have met.

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I have known, and prefer to befriend, married folk. Why I cannot say. Perhaps that is a hope, or has been one. I know I like the simple way they live and work. Oh, they present well, but I see well into the insanity of those lives. Little irritations, day in and day out. The kid that always loses his... (fill in the blank, that was me as a kid, by the way); the kid that talks back (they all take turns), the spouse that wants everything and seems to give so little (can be either, depending on perspective/moment); and on the list goes. What they often do not see is that their time is so filled that instead of living a hollow, hard working, drab, plain life, their lives are filled with other people. They have neither the time nor the allowance to be too into themselves. Yes, I may be blind on many things, but not on this. Is that grass greener? No, it is merely different. I would not, as a proverbial cow, wish to munch that grass by accident. Only by design and with some serious forethought would I end up in that pasture. Still, I think it is the one I wanted. Then again I never wanted to fight, war really. I just wanted to read, write, tinker with math, and know peace. We do not get what we want, perhaps not even what we were designed to be. Not all of us. I suppose I have hope in God's design. I hope that what I am is of some use, some joy, some comfort, to Him.

Couples seem so... simple at times. Especially those with children. Some of it is created so as to envelop the children in a safe, sane, quiet place in which to begin learning. Mothers seem to lead the charge, becoming nearly childlike at times, to be at the level of their children. Though, never mistake a woman's seeming childishness with the real thing. A good mother is one of the most mature beings out there, and does not miss a trick or a tick. I cannot help, when I see this nature, to think about what the bible says about becoming as children before entering the kingdom of heaven. Is this it or close to it? As well, I think spouses who decide to have children (odd, decide to do what is absolutely natural and what their whole lives have driven them to do?) have to, somewhere in the occurrence, develop a faith that they will be able to do something they have never done before in the face of economic, political, and many other obstacles. They are hopeful prone, yet practical enough to deal with what else comes. I have to believe, though, that the facing of that is quite thin. Without the family as a unit, the thing would not work. It seems both the sum AND the parts are somehow greater than each other. Put that in your calculator and smoke it.

I suppose this could be a piece dedicated to the (dying) family. It is not really dying, it is just dying in secularizing parts of the world. And yet, I hope that it is not an idealizing of the notion of familyhood. Idealism fails, only hard work, sacrifice, and faith can create real goods, like families. But all praise should be given to those who have chosen to not be selfish. And, no, having three or more children is not selfish or thoughtless, not in these times. Well, among certain groups anyway. Still chomping at a bit which will probably never find me anywhere near the pasture of familyhood, but so it goes.

No sleep and troubled breathing.

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While the heart seems to be recovering fully, the breathing problems come and go and are as bad as I have experienced. I have to consider whether the bat infestation is the problem, or even a part of the problem. In reviewing online material, I noted that bats (so the experts say) do not over stay winters in homes, preferring more constant temperatures found in caves or even leaving the state. Apparently bats or experts are off their mark. I have... many bats still here. The cats know. They are not bound to the attic either, choosing walls as well. And yes, bat guano is just as bad as rat feces. Yeah, I do have some work. I do not know if they are part of the problem, but I do know I have to get rid of them. Getting rid of bats will be a heck of a job. Though not quite as able to enter a home as say cockroaches, they can get in a half an inch diameter, down to perhaps close to a quarter inch hole. Being an old, and stone, house, I have my work cut out for me.

From what I hear of professional pest control, that really is not a good solution. Neither are their methods all that good, their expense is not practical, and they refuse guarantees unless you pay far more. I have conflicting data regarding when they have pups. I have heard spring only and spring and fall so far. I cannot do the work whenever they are pupping, as the pups cannot fly and would end up dying (and stinking, and inviting other pests to feed on them). Not to mention it would be rude. The suggestion is August, or possibly in the winter. August would be harsh, with outside temperatures reaching 100 and more in the shade here. I can only imagine what the attic would be like. Even with central air, which I do not have, that would be... a bit much. As well, I will want to try to force the V.A. to give me precautionary rabies shot(s), which will essentially make me immune to the disease for about a year, before the venture. The incidence of rabies is low here, but all it takes is one bite, perhaps even a scratch.

I am not sure when I will be going westward, though August seems like the soonest possible time. I have to count pennies, draft some mileage charts, look at gas prices, check airline ticket prices, before I know though. I might not be able to go until early fall. Ah! And people wonder why I get nothing done. There is so much that goes into every decision. Timing for this and that, money, effort, planning, assumptions, and non-related topics. Well, my mom and bats only have an affiliation in the most rude of ways. Still, she did chuckle when, after she suggested she would come back with me and fly home that I suggested she bring her best flying broom. Ha! Still, I think I will keep the bat analogy to myself, thank you. She does cook for me, you know. Socrates saw the poison coming, but he was dealing with men. With women... you just will not see it until you are under the table. That is all I am saying right there.

Yeah, and no sleep. I simply could not sleep. I do not know why. The hard breathing does not help. I guess I get to stay up and try to reset my internal clock. I hate this part of life. I want to sleep, not all the time like in bad times, but just a normal sleep pattern. I love my six to eight hours of blissful nothing. Though I wish I could wake up pain free sometime soon, and without shortness of breath.

Later.

Da kittehs made me do itz.

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Two days without milk is enough to put all of us in my household on edge. So, after much meowling and fussing, popo got to it. Later than I would have liked, but so goes it. While in town, I decided to visit my friend. I told him I had called twice, to no answer, for our planned dinner Saturday. Which was true. He must have been out smoking, but twice in a row? Well, that is how things work. And he could have called me. He said tomorrow will be warm, and thought it might be a good time to go shooting. I could find no flaw in this logic, so tomorrow we will go shooting again. Our range, such as it is (which is just perfect by my standards), is easy to get too, not too muddy to move around in, and close. So, more shooting on the way.

I bought treats for the cats while out. Milk as well, of course. I avoid much else at Wal-Mart these days, and look over everything I buy very closely. They have become, if they were not always, more like the dime stores of my youth, selling mostly junk and seconds or thirds. Which is fine, if you know what you are looking at, know what the flaws are, and they are not a problem for what you intend for the product, and such. And of course, if you have an immediate need for a group of items and no time to dicker or it is late when the absolute need occurs, the products they sell might just be enough. I will not complain too much, just... look at what I am buying there much more carefully.

I am hoping getting out and getting some fresh air will help bring something back. Of course, the warming will help. I have already turned the heat down a goodly bit in the house. I simply do not need it heated as much with it being so much warmer. I can, often, wear just my underwear in 60'ish F temps... assuming no airflow. Not always, but often. 

Oh, the cats, to include Sam, actually like their treats. Sam did not care for the last sampling I brought home, salmon flavored. Then again, I am with her with regards to salmon. Sassy... not so much. She could and probably would eat just about anything, crawling, squirming, flying, dead, or alive. She makes no bones about liking food. Well, save for the food currently in her bowl. I am not putting out other food until that is gone though. What is that about becoming your parents? Arghghghghghghahahaha!

Good night.

Ah-ha, I now know what she was hiding.

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My mother, that is. She called today. Several issues, one being that the phone does not work. We are on one phone system, which I pay. Heck, she is only $10 extra, so why in the world not? Well, there is a little bit added to that because of the extended group plan, not much. Her logic is typically female though. She could not use her phone, it redirected the calls to billing. So, she calls me on other phones and leaves messages. Messages I cannot receive because my calls are, you know it, redirected to billing. Oh, I really like women. They are soooo cute sometimes. In any case, I took care of that so we could talk longer. Being that she was borrowing someone else's phone, that initial call was to let me know there was a problem and letting me know she wanted to talk when our phones were back up.

Well, after some arranging, I paid the bill in full. I have tried to use their automated pay system several times now, all comes to failure. I will get that set up through my bank, this time. I have house, car, and several other things set up that way because businesses are either absolutely incompetent at creating a system of automatic bill pay, or they pick on the weakest bill paying links to drop that and recover over-due fees, fines, reconnection fees, and whatever else they can get. Including home and auto. It is a slim game they pay, one they will end up losing hard. Then again, if a bank needs fast cash, I would guess a foreclosure is much more much more quickly than a standard payment? If not directly, money wise, through write offs and other setasides?

Anyway, I was right to be suspicious of the woman. Her main goal is to have me paint her ceiling. No problem, though I suggested she have the paint and tools ready. Drop clothes would be wise, though it does not bother me one way or the other on those. Not if I am being conscripted. I have no problem painting, but I knew she was keeping something super woman sekret. Now I know. As well, she now wants to come back out with me on my return trip. Fine, fine, though that will take a one way ticket home for her. So, I told her straight out that I am not sure where money is right now, or how much all of this will cost. Gas being an arm and a leg, airlines jacking everything up, and of course food, lodging, and all that, is not something to be sneezed at either. I will not drive 26 hours anymore. Not even 18 hours. It is foolish to be driving that impaired.
And sleeping in a vehicle made for darned midgets is not something at all comfy. If I am too broke to pay for lodging then I am too broke to go, save an emergency.

So, I need to get my place in order before I go for sure, whenever that might be. I also need to figure out how much this will cost, as best I can gauge it, look for a ticket home for her in advance (which is tricky not yet having a date for even my departure), and figure out the best way to travel with the cats. I do have two cages, at the moment, though one is sort of iffy. They are good enough to take both cats to the vet, if that were called for, but I am not sure about such a long journey. They cost about $25, so a new one might be worth the cost. I not only love my cats, I am obliged to them. Losing a cat in middle America would be a hard thing on them, and me. So, time to get cracking.

I did get the trash and recycling out. I did not do another darned thing. I wanted to, I surely did. But there is no go in my umph, or something like that. I am barely managing consciousness. Yes, it is that bad. It has been that bad for quite a while. Still, I will do what I can, when I can. Good night.

Oh, I have just learned that I will live forever. I guess God will have to take me up and then decide? Hahahaha

Some days are really harsh.

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Today is one of them. My physical health matches my general capacity. Breathing is still a bit of a chore. It is like I am tense, more tense than usual. That is not the case, but it is as if my body is almost holding my breath. Like when you are in a tense situation. Only it is all the time. That comes and goes, or I notice is more or less, I am not sure which. Of course, that is just one part of it.

I cannot, as usual, get to the things I want done. Dishes languish, laundry needs to be done, I am exhausted but at least staying awake (no more naps). I might be back to a more regular schedule, with a slight tilt to being up a bit too late and thus, of course, waking late. But more, I realize there is no way I could afford a wife, though I suppose there might be a wife out there who would be negotiable in my situation otherwise. Just getting out to meet the right woman is beyond my capacity.

Yeah, it all gangs up on some days. Oh, I have always known the truth of things. Never fear. I guess I follow some paths in the hopes that opening some door in my mind will cause something else to loose which will... I do not know for sure... allow a chance at a more normal life? I am not sure. Well, that and I do not seem to be able to quit no matter how bound I find myself. I am most certain Christ would be able to not just heal me, but teach me to heal myself. That may sound silly, but I think it is true. It is not necessarily that I am my own worst enemy and that is the sum total of my problems. But the solutions to the problems I have probably very much are within me. Both my fleshly and other problems. I honestly think I have taken care of issues I have had. The sticking point is failing flesh. It probably always was the sticking point, the rest just swirled around it, was caused by some failing.

Christ has not knocked on my door, not in so many words, with the answer to everything and all. Not even with the simple solution I need to resolve my problems. He lives here, in here. Either He or I am incapable of communicating the answer. Still, I think I have the solution, just no means of seeing it implemented. Not safely, wisely. Another place and another time, perhaps I will understand.

*looks down, kicks the dirt, walks off*

Tomorrow will be better. And, truth is, if we all see our own lives in a certain light on a certain day, it is disheartening. I have been hit. Now, what to do about it. I think I will figure out, somehow, how to get the trash and recycling out and to the curb, do a load of dishes, and maybe put a load of laundry to the works. Maybe. Dang but it is hard. And I so want it.

Good night.

Rumblings.

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My heart is a bit better. Breath is still a bit short, or more tight which leads to shortness, at times. I still wake up with terrible neck and shoulder pains, that has not stopped. Headaches are occasional gifts from life, I guess, too. Ah well. I still thank God for the chance I have that is life. Suffering is an offering, to life, to Him. Not that He intended pain, only that living through it is a testament or something like that. And, I think in the grander scheme of things, any suffering we could know here we will someday realize to be nothing all that much. Scraped knees on children. Something that will happen, seem traumatic at the time, and fade into the mind or even become a point of great humor at some later than the event date.

Still, like the kid with the booboo, it would be nice to find a little comfort and relief. A little kindness in this way should not be that difficult and yet it is proving to be unattainable. I am still not sure about the heart, or breathing. I almost wonder if it could be some flu symptom, or respiratory infection of another type. Though too, it may simply be what I mainly suspect.

The dinner did not happen yesterday. I did not get cleaning up to spec, but that was not the problem. I called my friend a couple of times and got no answer. I still have not gotten to the house cleaning. Or at least it is not done. I have started a few things today. I need to do a lot more. I simply have nothing to put into the effort. I will keep... plugging away.

Have a good day. Do something in spite of how you feel for those who really cannot get to their work. Yeah, do that. Or tomorrow since today is getting late. Good night.

Sleep?

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Sure, when I have things, real things, to be done, all I can do is sleep. But when I want to sleep it just is not happening. I probably need to sleep. Naps, then again, are probably not the best idea. Two naps in three days and my schedule is completely shot. So, with little ability to sleep and naps taking away my ability for longer sleep, I am stuck with a, once again, hyperactive heart. Such a fragile system, such a slim grip on life, the two make for a very tenuous moment. Should I live past it, I might learn something. Then again, knowing one is going to slip and fall does not really change much. Perhaps you can train to fall, but... even that is risk filled. And training only improves chances, it does not guarantee safety. Ah well.

Here it is, 8:00, and I think I am finally ready to sleep. But I am so used to sleeping in the dark I am not sure how well or if I can sleep in the day. Grumbling off to bed, a cat under one arm, a kitten under the other. Neither is all that interested in sleeping. Hmmm, maybe popo ought to close the door and have a free-rolling sleep. Yeah, that is it. Good night. *grump*

The broken window theory.

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Of course, this theory is based on government spending. At least the most recent version, and from what I understand. It, of course, in this case, is bunk. Government spending, almost to a cent, is a waste. Now, waste is necessary, in smaller sips. And there are bits of spending which actually prove either worthwhile in a large sense, think museums at least within reason, and transportation such as roads, bridges, and such (again within reason and probably excluding Bus, train, and definitely excluding high speed trains).

However, what is happening in Japan, while tragic due to the loss of life and serious potential for a number of nuclear disasters, may end up having a net positive affect on that nation. Once a shining city, but only for a short time, it has economically fallen into decay, disrepair, and fiscal lunacy. There is a chance that through confrontation with serious disaster, a greater understanding of life, a perspective on wealth, and a shakeup of all that is entrenched, it will allow the people to change the government for the better. Perhaps, finally, they will throw off the chains of socialism we put on them after the war.

Why can a theory work one way and not another. I think it has to do with whether men meddle in it or not. Natural events seem to come, and men simply pick up or die. When men cause the disasters, they often already have a political and economic plan devised around it. And the plans of men are foolish and ignorant, idealistic and unscientific (in the real not academic sense of science, mind you). No, men cannot devise a means of breaking windows in such a way in which a nation may truly profit. But nature seems to have a way. Actually, survival in such cases means pushing politicians, bureaucrats and whole bureaucracies, laws, and other such to the side while figuring out how to simply survive. It lends strength to people who have been shackled and afraid. It shows them what there really is to fear. A fine or going without water? Try and fine me for surviving!

Most cases, hopefully, are not that extreme. But in many cases people will be fighting more minor incursions into their needs and wants by often petty and foolish laws, meant merely to help the peasants understand their place and create markers around what some elites think should be the boundaries of civilized life. I hope the Japanese do learn. I hope they do become strong. And I hope they realize that a socialist government is nothing but an impediment, and pushes it to the side to rise a stronger, rebuilt, forward moving nation and economy. Oh, and remove the "rights" (special set-asides for women to work, and vote). Well, good luck on those last, but if the nation rises, these things will happen.

Good night.

Yesterday was a great day.

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I got everything on my list completed yesterday, save for extra cleaning here at home. Having clean guns to shoot is like going to bed on clean sheets. I only shot the Henry and the .45. Those will get a cleaning again relatively quickly. As things are warming, I do not want an excuse to not get out. I still have limits on how much I can functionally get done, but that too is expanding slowly. I also sent that package to my lady friend and transferred funds so that I may further take care of a couple of bills. Right now my finances are a bit crippled as I no longer have a debit card to a third of my income, which is directly deposited to a bank in another state. Oh, I have tried three or four times to get that changed. I have no idea why both writing and vocal communications do not seem to get it done for the Social Security office. I will simply have to find a local office, go there in person, and see someone, and make absolutely sure they can 'hear me now'. Ugh but it is harsh when it is tough to do the little you do and that is simply ignored.

I was planning to have my friend here today, for woodworking and a meal. I need to clean more and am not quite ready for a visit. So, I will delay that until tomorrow. Roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy, I believe, will be the verdict. The Lord knows, such meals are a pleasure. And more so when shared. If I have the house really cleaned at that time, I will ask my friend to help with the dishes. Such is the way of it. It is not that bad, but when I go all fancy, such as using a meat platter, gravy boat, along with the cooking gear, it piles up and I am quickly overwhelmed.

My lady friend got her package today. And, almost as quickly after, I received a phone call. Kitty was happy. Hey, bribery works. A chuckle or two even makes it better. She wanted to know if the checks were valid. Way too funny, though I like that sentiment. For a microsecond I truly considered saying "No". I love to hear a woman whine. Still, it was not in keeping with my plan so I let the opportunity slide. I will get plenty of other chances. Conan might have had some parts right when discussing success and "lamentation of da women.", though lamentation is not always a bedtime story. Just... my perspective. hehehe I like womenz.

The heart murmurs, or skipping, are not as severe today for the first time in two weeks. It was getting progressively worse, so I really am not sure. It is still there, just milder today for whatever reason. My breathing has eased a bit too, but is still a bit tight. This time or next, it... I am dying. I am still glad I gave the warning. I had been set to call my mother and others and begin looking for someone I could trust to check on me every few days. I like this home and do not wish to ruin it with the stench of my dead corpse over some extended period of time. And more, I do not want my cats to have to eat from me to survive. I do not care about the care of my corpse, or that animals might eat from it, but I worry what that might do to their minds. As well, and something I am going to start to do, is look for a place which will take my cats and ensure that they are placed in a home (hopefully as a pair). If I have to put some money in on that, I guess I will have to do so. I feel obligated to them. And, I love them.

Well, on to my day. No one knows, save the breathless, what a fresh easy clean breath is worth. It is golden, by the way. Later.

Death watch.

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My heart is having problems. Like an engine with a bent rod, it thumps, from time to time. It is laboring. My breathing is not as automatic as it should be. It too is difficult at times. I still seem able to be physical, that does not seem to help or hurt it. The thump is enough to wake me at night, the worry about breath enough to make sleep difficult. I do not know if my chest hurts. I do not feel pain, always, like I should. I think my time here is either ending or at a serious crossroads.

If I do not write for a day or two. No worries. A week can pass. But if a month goes by and I have not written, at least at this point, understand that I will probably not write again. I had hoped the water pills might fix enough of the problem, but I do not think water build up was the issue. Untreated high blood pressure has probably put a plug in the thing. I just, after a few weeks of considering, decided it was time to let it be known.