.
.
My friend called tonight. He recently purchased a digital scale for his reloading use. However, the instructions were non-existent. He asked if I could help. He thought I might be over in a day or two. And, that notion did cross my mind. But too, I had wanted to get out today and had failed. So, I took the opportunity and told him I would do some checking on the internet and then be in yet tonight, if he wanted. He seemed quite pleased, so... to work.
A few minutes of internet browsing and I found the specific device. I then looked for instructions but found none in written form. I notice a link to YouTube. There it was. I watched the thing twice, read some blogs, then reviewed the material again. I grabbed that wanted and needed meal on the way to his apartment. In our conversation I had asked if he was hungry but he wanted nothing. Once there, I set up the device, and I think I showed him how to do it. Then I ate. He thought perhaps going shopping sounded fun, so I took him along. I did not remember what particular florescent bulbs I needed, longer and thicker, I guess. But I picked up two which seemed right. I then grabbed a couple of gallons of milk. We looked over some of their furnishings, talked about the televisions, and then he headed out for a smoke and I went to the register.
After dropping him off, I headed home. I drove a bit more carefully, with the long bulbs riding as carefully as I knew how to place them. I was sweating whether they were going to be the right ones all the way home and right up until I could compare. When I compared one of the old bulbs, before opening the new package, they seemed about right. So, tempting fate, I opened them up and... now I have light in the wash room. So simple and yet... not.
By the way, it looks like Wal-Mart is busy burying the elitist bull one of their ex-employees (an extremist liberal) tried to shove down our throats. They are busy rearranging and restocking in a major way. While Wal-Mart has always had some problems, it used to be a better place to pick up this, that, or the other minor item. For the last few years, I had noted I could not always find what they had used to carry. Further, they were offering both products, pricelines, and notions I did not care about. Green is not my color. Try red, white, or blue. I mentioned this to my friend as we were walking through, and one of those filling stock got red in the face and surly about what I was saying. I must assume this, as there was no one else around, my friend was not talking, and the guy had no other reason to be angry. College kids, they will learn but it will not be in college. Punk. I hope he gets heartburn about it.
Well, it is past bedtime. If the weather is good tomorrow I will work on the reloading station. Why does the weather have to be good? Because I have to take sheets of plywood out into the open, upon sawhorses, in order to cut them and sand them. Rain makes several parts of the operation either uncomfortable, impractical, or downright dangerous. We will see.
Why so grumpy today? I knew there was pain, but I decided not to take anything for it. Yeah, pain does induce a grumpy nature. Just like hunger, heat, cold, and some other things. It has felt like my spine from the base of my ribs up through to the base of my skull has arthritis or something for the last month and a half, and every day. And it causes a headache from sever to mild, as well, every single day. Today was more moderate, but there it was and there it stayed. Hmm, Tylenol and then a stab at sleep. Good night.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
I do keep trying.
.
.
After a several hour long search to find where the serial number and model number might be located on my washing machine, I walked in to take a look. The good and the bad news. The bad news? Where these numbers were supposed to be there were no numbers. The good news, printed on a metalic looking card, on the side of the base of the machine, both numbers were listed. Further, they were easy to read. Fine. So, back to the internet to see if a repair manual, parts manual, or even user manual could be found. Most of the forums dealing with repair that I have found had only questions, no solutions, so I excluded that type of material from my searching. No manuals were to be found. Actually, I cannot find the machine listed anywhere by either model or serial number. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am sure, with tinkering and brute strength, I could open up just about anything man has ever made. Getting it back together is another thing. Not destroying pieces or even the main of the device to be disassembled is also another thing. Walking softly is fine advice, but with the price of parts and machines these days, carrying a big stick is only good if you use it judiciously or have the money to support your violence. Since my last post, I have been looking online a good half of that time. Getting bored or frustrated, I would tinker or read blogs or view the "news".
Why is it so difficult today? I suppose, in part, it is because they come out with a new model, or three, every six months. These models do not improve on the last, but they are different. Why, through over the dozens of brands which make appliances for the American electrical grid, there is a need for hundreds of models a year, I cannot say. In a time when both Democrats and Republicans are saying we have to conserve, while both demand we spend while conserving, and thus creating mountains of junk, offering nothing to repair the old, I have to wonder what is really happening. Either they know something we do not and are working toward it, they have no idea what they are doing and are merely pushing buying to create debt which makes everything look good until it burns, or no one anywhere has any clue and are just doing something to make it look like they are not doing nothing... yes, I think that last makes sense and is a credible option. I think I used correct grammar too. As convoluted as what I say may seem, what they are doing is vastly superior... inferior... well... you know what I mean.
If I, with all the time I can muster, with at least half a brain and some reasonable sanity (if too lacking a means to physically be active) can not make heads or tails of the insanity of our public officials and private enterprise, my guess is that there probably is no sense to be made. I think some politicians try to do this or that, but starting to clean a square foot in the middle of a garbage heap is nigh on impossible, especially with more trash coming in by the ton daily. Everyone who has a plan has no clue or is merely trying to take the trash and use it to their advantage. There is no one who can clean up the mess. Perhaps that is merely the human condition and I am merely naive, or faithful.
I can see why many have lost their faith. Faith leads one to believe that there is better than this. There is a belief by those who still believe that, at some time, our flesh will be perfected. And through that perfection, when we once again inhabit a new earth, that the world too will be perfected. For those who can only see the filth, disease, addictions, war, and death, faith seems too cruel because it seems too late. No doubt this troubles me. I live here, unable to live and unable to die, talking to people who profess lies directly to millions of people. The worst of the liars are not the ones who are obvious. Democrats and "liberals" have been lying so long they almost, or mostly, or in an unholy way have faith in what they say. So-called conservatives are what Democrats used to be. They know they are lying, they just do not care. If it gets them through one more election, if it supports the people who supported them into office, if it shuts up the people even for a while, they do it. But they do it knowingly.
What a mess. And here, for all these years, I thought I was the problem or part of it. Though a sponge on society, a pariah through illness, I neither wanted this nor have I every simply given up to it, in spite of losing the battle. I will never be an engineer. I will never be self-sufficient. I cannot always make it to a doctor appointment to manage the illnesses that ravage my capacity. If the doctors seem no better than the politicians. Stuff with medicine, when that fails, find other medicine. If it seems to be helping, discontinue. If patient is still conservative and Christian, fight tooth and nail to paint as a lunatic and become passive aggressive toward. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Bah!
Well, I am going to try and make it into town. A quick shower, a check at some of the plumbing supply stores still open, some grocery shopping, and a meal somewhere good. Frustrations abound, life looks really grim, and the realization that politicians are all, now, essentially Democrats, doctors all might as well be Castro appointed, I am failing and America is falling. Ah well, do what you do with what you have and hope for a quick end but suspect a long hard bad one. Then get to what you can when you can.
.
After a several hour long search to find where the serial number and model number might be located on my washing machine, I walked in to take a look. The good and the bad news. The bad news? Where these numbers were supposed to be there were no numbers. The good news, printed on a metalic looking card, on the side of the base of the machine, both numbers were listed. Further, they were easy to read. Fine. So, back to the internet to see if a repair manual, parts manual, or even user manual could be found. Most of the forums dealing with repair that I have found had only questions, no solutions, so I excluded that type of material from my searching. No manuals were to be found. Actually, I cannot find the machine listed anywhere by either model or serial number. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I am sure, with tinkering and brute strength, I could open up just about anything man has ever made. Getting it back together is another thing. Not destroying pieces or even the main of the device to be disassembled is also another thing. Walking softly is fine advice, but with the price of parts and machines these days, carrying a big stick is only good if you use it judiciously or have the money to support your violence. Since my last post, I have been looking online a good half of that time. Getting bored or frustrated, I would tinker or read blogs or view the "news".
Why is it so difficult today? I suppose, in part, it is because they come out with a new model, or three, every six months. These models do not improve on the last, but they are different. Why, through over the dozens of brands which make appliances for the American electrical grid, there is a need for hundreds of models a year, I cannot say. In a time when both Democrats and Republicans are saying we have to conserve, while both demand we spend while conserving, and thus creating mountains of junk, offering nothing to repair the old, I have to wonder what is really happening. Either they know something we do not and are working toward it, they have no idea what they are doing and are merely pushing buying to create debt which makes everything look good until it burns, or no one anywhere has any clue and are just doing something to make it look like they are not doing nothing... yes, I think that last makes sense and is a credible option. I think I used correct grammar too. As convoluted as what I say may seem, what they are doing is vastly superior... inferior... well... you know what I mean.
If I, with all the time I can muster, with at least half a brain and some reasonable sanity (if too lacking a means to physically be active) can not make heads or tails of the insanity of our public officials and private enterprise, my guess is that there probably is no sense to be made. I think some politicians try to do this or that, but starting to clean a square foot in the middle of a garbage heap is nigh on impossible, especially with more trash coming in by the ton daily. Everyone who has a plan has no clue or is merely trying to take the trash and use it to their advantage. There is no one who can clean up the mess. Perhaps that is merely the human condition and I am merely naive, or faithful.
I can see why many have lost their faith. Faith leads one to believe that there is better than this. There is a belief by those who still believe that, at some time, our flesh will be perfected. And through that perfection, when we once again inhabit a new earth, that the world too will be perfected. For those who can only see the filth, disease, addictions, war, and death, faith seems too cruel because it seems too late. No doubt this troubles me. I live here, unable to live and unable to die, talking to people who profess lies directly to millions of people. The worst of the liars are not the ones who are obvious. Democrats and "liberals" have been lying so long they almost, or mostly, or in an unholy way have faith in what they say. So-called conservatives are what Democrats used to be. They know they are lying, they just do not care. If it gets them through one more election, if it supports the people who supported them into office, if it shuts up the people even for a while, they do it. But they do it knowingly.
What a mess. And here, for all these years, I thought I was the problem or part of it. Though a sponge on society, a pariah through illness, I neither wanted this nor have I every simply given up to it, in spite of losing the battle. I will never be an engineer. I will never be self-sufficient. I cannot always make it to a doctor appointment to manage the illnesses that ravage my capacity. If the doctors seem no better than the politicians. Stuff with medicine, when that fails, find other medicine. If it seems to be helping, discontinue. If patient is still conservative and Christian, fight tooth and nail to paint as a lunatic and become passive aggressive toward. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Bah!
Well, I am going to try and make it into town. A quick shower, a check at some of the plumbing supply stores still open, some grocery shopping, and a meal somewhere good. Frustrations abound, life looks really grim, and the realization that politicians are all, now, essentially Democrats, doctors all might as well be Castro appointed, I am failing and America is falling. Ah well, do what you do with what you have and hope for a quick end but suspect a long hard bad one. Then get to what you can when you can.
Hmm.
.
.
I thought I had the machine going. Two empty loads through and no water on the floor. So, I ran an actual load through and... water on the floor. As it was getting dark, too dark to work, I flicked the light. I flicked the light. Yeah, the florescent bulbs were dead. So, while out looking for screens today, I will grab a couple of bulbs. Actually it would be wise to grab a half dozen.
I am just beginning to move. I went to sleep around midnight, if I did toss and turn quite a bit before being able to settle in and sleep. Again, this morning, I woke many times before finally being able to claw my way to functional consciousness at around 13:00. Waking up has been quite a chore, even since crawling out.
Blogs and my news sources have been reviewed. I am not sure if hell is on the way, the earth is freezing over, or all of the above. Republicans have been completely unmasked, albeit Democrats have not felt the need to wear masks for decades. Libertarians continue with good ideas right before they explain how seriously insane they are. Men and women continue to try and figure out how to have sex, barring that killing each other or the next generation continues on the Democratic schedule. The states and Federal government are showing that spending beyond what can be repaid is not only fun, but encourages other nations to hate us even more. And China, while being held as the future of the world continues to buy worthless debt in more ways then one, selling their goods to nations whose money is just as worthless as their debt markers. Other than that, it is all good. Yeah, that is it for grumbles. I have decided to put it all in one ball and pass it that way. Now for the paperwork... no job is finished until that is done!
Anyway. I need to figure out how to get ready, then go out and buy some stuff. Bulbs, screens, milk, and maybe something to eat. I love having bread around, but I eat it so rarely and it goes bad so fast. I have come to despise peanut butter and jelly, cold cut sandwiches (though I love heart and tongue sandwiches if they are a bit of work), and most other things involving bread. I did buy supplies to make tortillas, but that too is a good deal of work and offers rather little in the way of product. In any case, I need a shower, some grooming, and dressing before I can head out. I will try.
I really thought I would be on a roll. I thought things might be picking up. I had two days of travel and a little bit of problem solving, and then I could not get out of bed. I really thought I would get some things done. It seems, getting out of bed is going to be my highlights for the next few days. Oh well. Maybe I will get somewhere next time the opportunity appears? Such is the way of hope. Later.
.
I thought I had the machine going. Two empty loads through and no water on the floor. So, I ran an actual load through and... water on the floor. As it was getting dark, too dark to work, I flicked the light. I flicked the light. Yeah, the florescent bulbs were dead. So, while out looking for screens today, I will grab a couple of bulbs. Actually it would be wise to grab a half dozen.
I am just beginning to move. I went to sleep around midnight, if I did toss and turn quite a bit before being able to settle in and sleep. Again, this morning, I woke many times before finally being able to claw my way to functional consciousness at around 13:00. Waking up has been quite a chore, even since crawling out.
Blogs and my news sources have been reviewed. I am not sure if hell is on the way, the earth is freezing over, or all of the above. Republicans have been completely unmasked, albeit Democrats have not felt the need to wear masks for decades. Libertarians continue with good ideas right before they explain how seriously insane they are. Men and women continue to try and figure out how to have sex, barring that killing each other or the next generation continues on the Democratic schedule. The states and Federal government are showing that spending beyond what can be repaid is not only fun, but encourages other nations to hate us even more. And China, while being held as the future of the world continues to buy worthless debt in more ways then one, selling their goods to nations whose money is just as worthless as their debt markers. Other than that, it is all good. Yeah, that is it for grumbles. I have decided to put it all in one ball and pass it that way. Now for the paperwork... no job is finished until that is done!
Anyway. I need to figure out how to get ready, then go out and buy some stuff. Bulbs, screens, milk, and maybe something to eat. I love having bread around, but I eat it so rarely and it goes bad so fast. I have come to despise peanut butter and jelly, cold cut sandwiches (though I love heart and tongue sandwiches if they are a bit of work), and most other things involving bread. I did buy supplies to make tortillas, but that too is a good deal of work and offers rather little in the way of product. In any case, I need a shower, some grooming, and dressing before I can head out. I will try.
I really thought I would be on a roll. I thought things might be picking up. I had two days of travel and a little bit of problem solving, and then I could not get out of bed. I really thought I would get some things done. It seems, getting out of bed is going to be my highlights for the next few days. Oh well. Maybe I will get somewhere next time the opportunity appears? Such is the way of hope. Later.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A few things.
.
.
I had forgotten about a couple of emails which required responses. When a computer goes down and a loaner is being used, just figuring out how to check email is a bit of a trick sometimes. Remembering to even figure that out is a whole different sort of trick. And, even when I finally did those things, I was doing so many other things and trying to figure out my comatose life in general that it took a while. Still, it is done. It might be considered a little thing by some. It might be considered unimportant by some. It certainly was not on the list I posted. But it was on my mind. Done. The email is an ongoing conversation with a friend. The body of the text can be complex and my responses are complex. All things I sometimes avoid, simply cannot handle, or both. Done, done, and happily. Hey, I do not have enough friends to blow one of them off anyway.
I did get to the the washing machine. A goodly hour or two of research tracking down information on my machine, problem solving forums (if the few I found simply had problems stated, without offering a solution as far as I could see). So, I looked over a number of general problem solving guides and videos. The problem seemed to point to a solenoid. Getting to the solenoid would be through several minor but possibly complicated procedures... knowing which way to turn then pull a spring steel clip, how to use a screw driver to open another type of clip, and some other processes which would require finding very specific steps for my specific washer and definitely if I wanted to reassemble the dratted thing. However, I noted something they checked before tearing the machine down. Simply checking the screens in the water supply lines. I had checked the one in the water supply hose, but had not thought there would be one in the machine inlet too. I was wrong, and it makes sense now. Removing the screens in the machine pretty much destroyed them. I did note that the cold water screen was pretty nasty though, gritty material was everywhere. Removing that, for now, was enough. The cold water seems to come through just as well as the hot water at this time.
Having said that, I will still probably take the screens to a shop not far away and find replacements to install. I hope to get to that tomorrow, as I think it is probably too late today. The water leak I noticed on the floor is something I am checking now. Since this was a recent development I am thinking it might be something to do with the removal of the hoses. Perhaps the seemingly small amount of water is just from that. The other thing I noted was the water return to the drain was loose. I hope I do not have to take the machine apart to add or adjust a clamp, or something else. I put the hose back in as tightly as I could and am running a cold water empty "load" through now.
I just wanted to toot my horn. Such pleasure from such a minor thing. But doing anything seems to be a minor miracle. It is exciting to be doing anything at all, let alone making my life a bit better, and at no cost at the moment. Of course, the project is not yet completed. But barring some catastrophe, I suspect I will have a fully functioning washing machine in an hour or two, and will be able to finish the laundry I was recently forced to leave set (needed cold water for some items, and actually want to use cold water much more frequently to rewash when needed for stains). It is all so damned easy, and yet... not.
I may get to some laundry, and I am about to soak some dishes for washing in a bit. The only other things I am scheduling for this evening are finding engineering paper and a couple of books on rope knot tying, tree climbing, and arbor work I purchased in my lead up to leaving Iowa. The paper is for the beginning of planning for the kitchen and actually my master bathroom. The books are for some small hope that I can figure out how to do the trimming and live. I looked at pieces for a shower and bath while at Home Depot. I love the tile shower, but it is rather small. The thing is, mostly, functional. But with some money and elbow grease, I would love to have a more functional, roomier, fuller bathroom suite. Of course, the master bathroom plans are way off considering even my kitchen plans are some time off and maybe just fantasy as is. Argh! But so be it.
Oh, and before too long I may just take a stroll down to the post office. It has become partly cloudy, and rain could fall at any moment potentially, but neither am I made of sugar nor without rain gear. Later.
.
I had forgotten about a couple of emails which required responses. When a computer goes down and a loaner is being used, just figuring out how to check email is a bit of a trick sometimes. Remembering to even figure that out is a whole different sort of trick. And, even when I finally did those things, I was doing so many other things and trying to figure out my comatose life in general that it took a while. Still, it is done. It might be considered a little thing by some. It might be considered unimportant by some. It certainly was not on the list I posted. But it was on my mind. Done. The email is an ongoing conversation with a friend. The body of the text can be complex and my responses are complex. All things I sometimes avoid, simply cannot handle, or both. Done, done, and happily. Hey, I do not have enough friends to blow one of them off anyway.
I did get to the the washing machine. A goodly hour or two of research tracking down information on my machine, problem solving forums (if the few I found simply had problems stated, without offering a solution as far as I could see). So, I looked over a number of general problem solving guides and videos. The problem seemed to point to a solenoid. Getting to the solenoid would be through several minor but possibly complicated procedures... knowing which way to turn then pull a spring steel clip, how to use a screw driver to open another type of clip, and some other processes which would require finding very specific steps for my specific washer and definitely if I wanted to reassemble the dratted thing. However, I noted something they checked before tearing the machine down. Simply checking the screens in the water supply lines. I had checked the one in the water supply hose, but had not thought there would be one in the machine inlet too. I was wrong, and it makes sense now. Removing the screens in the machine pretty much destroyed them. I did note that the cold water screen was pretty nasty though, gritty material was everywhere. Removing that, for now, was enough. The cold water seems to come through just as well as the hot water at this time.
Having said that, I will still probably take the screens to a shop not far away and find replacements to install. I hope to get to that tomorrow, as I think it is probably too late today. The water leak I noticed on the floor is something I am checking now. Since this was a recent development I am thinking it might be something to do with the removal of the hoses. Perhaps the seemingly small amount of water is just from that. The other thing I noted was the water return to the drain was loose. I hope I do not have to take the machine apart to add or adjust a clamp, or something else. I put the hose back in as tightly as I could and am running a cold water empty "load" through now.
I just wanted to toot my horn. Such pleasure from such a minor thing. But doing anything seems to be a minor miracle. It is exciting to be doing anything at all, let alone making my life a bit better, and at no cost at the moment. Of course, the project is not yet completed. But barring some catastrophe, I suspect I will have a fully functioning washing machine in an hour or two, and will be able to finish the laundry I was recently forced to leave set (needed cold water for some items, and actually want to use cold water much more frequently to rewash when needed for stains). It is all so damned easy, and yet... not.
I may get to some laundry, and I am about to soak some dishes for washing in a bit. The only other things I am scheduling for this evening are finding engineering paper and a couple of books on rope knot tying, tree climbing, and arbor work I purchased in my lead up to leaving Iowa. The paper is for the beginning of planning for the kitchen and actually my master bathroom. The books are for some small hope that I can figure out how to do the trimming and live. I looked at pieces for a shower and bath while at Home Depot. I love the tile shower, but it is rather small. The thing is, mostly, functional. But with some money and elbow grease, I would love to have a more functional, roomier, fuller bathroom suite. Of course, the master bathroom plans are way off considering even my kitchen plans are some time off and maybe just fantasy as is. Argh! But so be it.
Oh, and before too long I may just take a stroll down to the post office. It has become partly cloudy, and rain could fall at any moment potentially, but neither am I made of sugar nor without rain gear. Later.
Wouch, sleep was good.
.
.
I quit trying to read somewhere around midnight last night. Unlike most nights, I do not remember rolling and thinking and fantasies of flying or winning a million dollars for an hour or two. First there was lights out, then there might have been 15 minutes of trying to get perfectly comfortable. Then it was a little after 6:00. I woke to use the facilities but there was no way I was getting up. I roughly remember thinking about trying. I was still half dreaming I think, because as I looked in the mirror, my face appeared to be stretched, as reflected from one of those side to side stretched mirrors they use in funhouses at carnivals. I wanted to get up though, I would like to do a few things today. Still, back to bed until 8:00. I woke, in a bit of pain and still out of sorts, so I took a few aspirin and went back to bed. I did not wake next until the alarm at 10:00. At 8:00, I only took two rather than five aspirin and I felt it. I took three more and went back to bed in pain and still asleep. I may have reset the alarm once, I cannot remember. I know I woke a few more times and tried to rally. At 13:00, I finally have my boots on the... well, not boots... ground.
Yeah, whatever else, it is not about simple willpower. It is not about want. This is actually better than it was when it started. I could sleep for days or weeks, rising only for water and whatever food I had in close proximity, if they had let me. But being in a hospital, they do not let you. They at least keep waking you up. I always worried what they did to me when I could not bring myself to consciousness. I am sure they learned that my need for sleep was not fake. I doubt if they did anything but joke about it though. They did not look or physical root causes. At least I am in a place where, when I need to, I can sleep as needed. And, I no longer usually sleep for days at a time. Still, the sleep was great. I feel somewhat rested from it, which is different from back then as well.
I have many plans for the next few days. I may really get to very little, doing almost or literally nothing. I also might hit things just right and do a dozen things an hour. Whatever happens, I simply hope I do not get right in the middle of a couple dozen things to find myself collapsing back into my rabbit hole. I suppose everyone has to worry about that. And everyone has to worry about opening a can of worms where the worms end up being far too much to handle. Still, here I sit, pondering a couple dozen cans of worms. None of them look all that appetizing, but I am motivated to get through them for peace of mind and curious about the tasks intellectually. I look forward to the challenges even in a physical way for some of them. I am not sure I can do any of them, save the mundanes of dishes and house cleaning. But I at least want to give the chores a crack. Actually, I think, I will be opening up my washing machine first. I am hoping, without ever having looked inside one, that the cold water problem will be an easy home fix. If the blockage ends up being inside some huge contraption part and without a linear throughput... Still, the darn thing will already be open, saving a repairman some time if I end up needing to call one. Hey, fifteen minutes is fift... well, $100 or more? Yeah, probably.
Yesterday was great. I am hoping to do what I can and get out again. The sun seems to be spraying warmth and light well this afternoon. I might even try to walk to the post office to pick up my mail at some point. Maybe further if I have the gumption. If nothing else, I will trot around my ward with Sam. Raking branches is another thing on my list, and looking the grass over more closely for areas where seed might come in handy. From my walks so far though, it looks like the grass is growing were it can and well, everywhere but under the conifers, which is to be expected.
Have a good day.
.
I quit trying to read somewhere around midnight last night. Unlike most nights, I do not remember rolling and thinking and fantasies of flying or winning a million dollars for an hour or two. First there was lights out, then there might have been 15 minutes of trying to get perfectly comfortable. Then it was a little after 6:00. I woke to use the facilities but there was no way I was getting up. I roughly remember thinking about trying. I was still half dreaming I think, because as I looked in the mirror, my face appeared to be stretched, as reflected from one of those side to side stretched mirrors they use in funhouses at carnivals. I wanted to get up though, I would like to do a few things today. Still, back to bed until 8:00. I woke, in a bit of pain and still out of sorts, so I took a few aspirin and went back to bed. I did not wake next until the alarm at 10:00. At 8:00, I only took two rather than five aspirin and I felt it. I took three more and went back to bed in pain and still asleep. I may have reset the alarm once, I cannot remember. I know I woke a few more times and tried to rally. At 13:00, I finally have my boots on the... well, not boots... ground.
Yeah, whatever else, it is not about simple willpower. It is not about want. This is actually better than it was when it started. I could sleep for days or weeks, rising only for water and whatever food I had in close proximity, if they had let me. But being in a hospital, they do not let you. They at least keep waking you up. I always worried what they did to me when I could not bring myself to consciousness. I am sure they learned that my need for sleep was not fake. I doubt if they did anything but joke about it though. They did not look or physical root causes. At least I am in a place where, when I need to, I can sleep as needed. And, I no longer usually sleep for days at a time. Still, the sleep was great. I feel somewhat rested from it, which is different from back then as well.
I have many plans for the next few days. I may really get to very little, doing almost or literally nothing. I also might hit things just right and do a dozen things an hour. Whatever happens, I simply hope I do not get right in the middle of a couple dozen things to find myself collapsing back into my rabbit hole. I suppose everyone has to worry about that. And everyone has to worry about opening a can of worms where the worms end up being far too much to handle. Still, here I sit, pondering a couple dozen cans of worms. None of them look all that appetizing, but I am motivated to get through them for peace of mind and curious about the tasks intellectually. I look forward to the challenges even in a physical way for some of them. I am not sure I can do any of them, save the mundanes of dishes and house cleaning. But I at least want to give the chores a crack. Actually, I think, I will be opening up my washing machine first. I am hoping, without ever having looked inside one, that the cold water problem will be an easy home fix. If the blockage ends up being inside some huge contraption part and without a linear throughput... Still, the darn thing will already be open, saving a repairman some time if I end up needing to call one. Hey, fifteen minutes is fift... well, $100 or more? Yeah, probably.
Yesterday was great. I am hoping to do what I can and get out again. The sun seems to be spraying warmth and light well this afternoon. I might even try to walk to the post office to pick up my mail at some point. Maybe further if I have the gumption. If nothing else, I will trot around my ward with Sam. Raking branches is another thing on my list, and looking the grass over more closely for areas where seed might come in handy. From my walks so far though, it looks like the grass is growing were it can and well, everywhere but under the conifers, which is to be expected.
Have a good day.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
So much for getting to anything.
.
.
Sure, not today. I simply could not maintain focus. Two days out of the house and I should have known better than to plan to do... anything. I felt so good though, fresh air here at home, two trips out even if both ended in failure, some tool and equipment browsing, another manual on another aspect of home improvement, a few easy meals, and some stunning views along the way. The sun even smiled for me this day. It is early but I am very tired. I am about to go on to bed. I will take the flooring manual with me though, I would like see if I can yet get an idea about how to plan for fixing the floor in the kitchen. All just a fantasy, perhaps. Time will tell.
I am hoping tomorrow or the next day to try and do a couple of minor things. Dishes and a meal of some sort. Perhaps actually measuring the kitchen areas to begin considering a floor plan, then a little bit of drafting. I know I still have a bit of engineering paper somewhere. Looking for that alone might eat my day if I am not careful, but if I can find it quickly, so much the better. And maybe, if the sun shines for a bit, I would like to finally get to the reloading bench. That is a lot to do. But something feels better. Fresh air? Travel? Spring sharing what it brings? I neither know nor truly care. I merely hope it lasts.
I have been out in the yard several times recently. Looking at the tree trimming situation of course, but a few times just to be out playing with Sam. She was ecstatic to have company, or just ecstatic, take your pick. Hopping, jumping, climbing a tree or two, shadowing me then leading me. In those walks, I see that clearing the weeds last year has lead to rather weed free areas this year. As I suspected, those weeds had been in some of those places for a very long time. It is not quite time to cut the grass, thankfully. But it also looks like the grass is coming back after the summer burn. I am not sure even watering will keep the grass going much past the middle of August, but I will try to do that anyway.
I have also decided to arrange to go in and see the priest at the local Church. It is past time and I will not be getting better. I am hoping to enjoin him to offer reconciliation, to discuss possibly being a visitor of prisoners though I would like to visit those on death row primarily, and I need to figure some other things out with his assistance. Again, it is time, past time, I did this. I do not think the dam is breaking and I am flooding out. It is merely that the ice has frozen and into the dam I go? So be it.
Yeah, something is different. Was there even a gripe in there? Hey, I just report. You decide. Good night. Sleep well.
.
Sure, not today. I simply could not maintain focus. Two days out of the house and I should have known better than to plan to do... anything. I felt so good though, fresh air here at home, two trips out even if both ended in failure, some tool and equipment browsing, another manual on another aspect of home improvement, a few easy meals, and some stunning views along the way. The sun even smiled for me this day. It is early but I am very tired. I am about to go on to bed. I will take the flooring manual with me though, I would like see if I can yet get an idea about how to plan for fixing the floor in the kitchen. All just a fantasy, perhaps. Time will tell.
I am hoping tomorrow or the next day to try and do a couple of minor things. Dishes and a meal of some sort. Perhaps actually measuring the kitchen areas to begin considering a floor plan, then a little bit of drafting. I know I still have a bit of engineering paper somewhere. Looking for that alone might eat my day if I am not careful, but if I can find it quickly, so much the better. And maybe, if the sun shines for a bit, I would like to finally get to the reloading bench. That is a lot to do. But something feels better. Fresh air? Travel? Spring sharing what it brings? I neither know nor truly care. I merely hope it lasts.
I have been out in the yard several times recently. Looking at the tree trimming situation of course, but a few times just to be out playing with Sam. She was ecstatic to have company, or just ecstatic, take your pick. Hopping, jumping, climbing a tree or two, shadowing me then leading me. In those walks, I see that clearing the weeds last year has lead to rather weed free areas this year. As I suspected, those weeds had been in some of those places for a very long time. It is not quite time to cut the grass, thankfully. But it also looks like the grass is coming back after the summer burn. I am not sure even watering will keep the grass going much past the middle of August, but I will try to do that anyway.
I have also decided to arrange to go in and see the priest at the local Church. It is past time and I will not be getting better. I am hoping to enjoin him to offer reconciliation, to discuss possibly being a visitor of prisoners though I would like to visit those on death row primarily, and I need to figure some other things out with his assistance. Again, it is time, past time, I did this. I do not think the dam is breaking and I am flooding out. It is merely that the ice has frozen and into the dam I go? So be it.
Yeah, something is different. Was there even a gripe in there? Hey, I just report. You decide. Good night. Sleep well.
My bad.
.
.
I made it to the city the clinic is in very early. The appointment was at 15:00 or later. So I stopped at Home Depot and looked at some prices. If I go with a (much) smaller chainsaw and a ladder that would work well and is rated sufficiently for my weight, I could probably get to the tree trimming next month. What worries me about a smaller chainsaw is that, in time, I may need the bigger model. Some of the trees that will probably need to be taken down within a few years are as thick as three to four telephone poles, or more. I am looking, longingly, at the Husqvarna 455 Rancher. I have reviewed chainsaws many times, over several years, and this one keeps popping up as a decent machine. Bigger than I need for typical yard work, due to my size it is not that much of a problem and provides utility to spare should more in volume or size of cutting chores become an issue. The ladder, a Warner multi-ladder, was offered at $150. A 455 Rancher comes in at $400, if I can catch it on sale. I will look at lesser Husqvarna chainsaws, though I have no real knowledge by which to judge what might be enough and what would definitely be too little.
I bought a manual about flooring installment while at Home Depot. I will be looking that over and making some plans, actively deciding on material, checking patterns and prices, and mulling this for a bit. Most likely linoleum will be the material chosen, if my heart is for stone. Linoleum is not plastic, as I had thought. Though if there was some sort of super deal on decent stone tiles, a deal that was nearly equal in price to any other flooring I might pick, I would have to consider that. Of course with stone would come a more severe requirement to level the floor, underflooring, the installation of the stone tiles would be much more complex and time-consuming, and unless glazed would need occasional treatment to help prevent stains (glazed tiles would be slick, so not so good in the kitchen, and yet...).
I looked at the areas I will need to access in order to do my trimming. This is going to be a tricky job. Some of the branches are actually touching the wires at this time. The branch is big at six to eight inches where it joins the trunk and twenty feet long (give or take), and getting full with leaves as I write. There are branches above which can be used to brace the lower branch to be cut. And of course the trunk continues on much higher as well for a second connection point. I have no idea what I am doing but it has to be done.
I made it to the clinic at 14:45. After giving my identification and that being checked, I was told I had missed the appointment. The appointment, I was told, was at 14:00. There was no discussion about being seen anyway, I was simply rescheduled. Driving home, I was sure I had read the thing was at 15:00 or later. I wanted to check, though, before being too upset. No, they were right. What I had done was written two appointments on the same card, one of them was indeed at 15:45, just not this one. I have been rescheduled for later in the month.
The last few days, while out, I have been airing my home. A few windows open, the heat down, and it is fantastic. Yesterday it was too cool to leave things open when I returned home. Today I not only can leave them open, but opened the front door a bit, allowing extra fresh air and a pleasant finish to an interesting day. Even with a thunderstorm moving in, or perhaps because of it, I feel very alive.
I may only live a few more months, or like I keep doing I might live another two or three decades. I know I would like to continue gathering tools, then supplies and books, gain some knowledge experience and minor success, and do a few improvements to my home. While what I do, I now realize, will be much less grand than perhaps first idealized I think I can still materially improve the property to the point of increased value (all else being equal) while supporting wise choices in doing so, such as improved insulation (through improved windows if nothing else), creating reasonable working spaces in the kitchen for cooking, canning, minor butchery, and whatever else might be needed, and improved ease of living here. No granite counter-tops probably, no stone tiles most likely, while solid wood cabinets are still debatable. Even if I die and lose everything of flesh, that someone else might have a more convenient home would offer some rest from the otherwise waste of my life. If even this is not to be, so be it. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, and end up somewhere in the middle until the middle is good enough? Yeah, maybe. It seems like that stinks. Maybe it does. But there it is. Today I am good with that.
Later.
.
I made it to the city the clinic is in very early. The appointment was at 15:00 or later. So I stopped at Home Depot and looked at some prices. If I go with a (much) smaller chainsaw and a ladder that would work well and is rated sufficiently for my weight, I could probably get to the tree trimming next month. What worries me about a smaller chainsaw is that, in time, I may need the bigger model. Some of the trees that will probably need to be taken down within a few years are as thick as three to four telephone poles, or more. I am looking, longingly, at the Husqvarna 455 Rancher. I have reviewed chainsaws many times, over several years, and this one keeps popping up as a decent machine. Bigger than I need for typical yard work, due to my size it is not that much of a problem and provides utility to spare should more in volume or size of cutting chores become an issue. The ladder, a Warner multi-ladder, was offered at $150. A 455 Rancher comes in at $400, if I can catch it on sale. I will look at lesser Husqvarna chainsaws, though I have no real knowledge by which to judge what might be enough and what would definitely be too little.
I bought a manual about flooring installment while at Home Depot. I will be looking that over and making some plans, actively deciding on material, checking patterns and prices, and mulling this for a bit. Most likely linoleum will be the material chosen, if my heart is for stone. Linoleum is not plastic, as I had thought. Though if there was some sort of super deal on decent stone tiles, a deal that was nearly equal in price to any other flooring I might pick, I would have to consider that. Of course with stone would come a more severe requirement to level the floor, underflooring, the installation of the stone tiles would be much more complex and time-consuming, and unless glazed would need occasional treatment to help prevent stains (glazed tiles would be slick, so not so good in the kitchen, and yet...).
I looked at the areas I will need to access in order to do my trimming. This is going to be a tricky job. Some of the branches are actually touching the wires at this time. The branch is big at six to eight inches where it joins the trunk and twenty feet long (give or take), and getting full with leaves as I write. There are branches above which can be used to brace the lower branch to be cut. And of course the trunk continues on much higher as well for a second connection point. I have no idea what I am doing but it has to be done.
I made it to the clinic at 14:45. After giving my identification and that being checked, I was told I had missed the appointment. The appointment, I was told, was at 14:00. There was no discussion about being seen anyway, I was simply rescheduled. Driving home, I was sure I had read the thing was at 15:00 or later. I wanted to check, though, before being too upset. No, they were right. What I had done was written two appointments on the same card, one of them was indeed at 15:45, just not this one. I have been rescheduled for later in the month.
The last few days, while out, I have been airing my home. A few windows open, the heat down, and it is fantastic. Yesterday it was too cool to leave things open when I returned home. Today I not only can leave them open, but opened the front door a bit, allowing extra fresh air and a pleasant finish to an interesting day. Even with a thunderstorm moving in, or perhaps because of it, I feel very alive.
I may only live a few more months, or like I keep doing I might live another two or three decades. I know I would like to continue gathering tools, then supplies and books, gain some knowledge experience and minor success, and do a few improvements to my home. While what I do, I now realize, will be much less grand than perhaps first idealized I think I can still materially improve the property to the point of increased value (all else being equal) while supporting wise choices in doing so, such as improved insulation (through improved windows if nothing else), creating reasonable working spaces in the kitchen for cooking, canning, minor butchery, and whatever else might be needed, and improved ease of living here. No granite counter-tops probably, no stone tiles most likely, while solid wood cabinets are still debatable. Even if I die and lose everything of flesh, that someone else might have a more convenient home would offer some rest from the otherwise waste of my life. If even this is not to be, so be it. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, and end up somewhere in the middle until the middle is good enough? Yeah, maybe. It seems like that stinks. Maybe it does. But there it is. Today I am good with that.
Later.
Regarding the world.
.
.
These are crazy days we live in. Conservatives, realizing we have been duped by a fake budget cut, are beginning to count heads for the lopping. Even marginal conservatives are beginning to see the scope of the problem. Democrats, socialists, communists, muslims, and unions are screeching about the betrayal(s) by their president, of course. Something about protesting too much and all that goes with the saying comes to mind. Orchestrating a wide front protest to a non-existent spending cut simply is not believable. On the flip side, "conservative" news outlets call the "cuts" a win. I am thinking a win, like in Charlie Sheen. Will the conservative house Republicans be doing shows soon too? Or are they too busy figuring out their tiger blood? One of the funniest things I read was Pelosi saying "But the fact is that elections shouldn't matter as much as they do...". Who does she think she is kidding? They do not matter, not a bit... so far.
Ayn Rand, the Paul's, and some others have some points. They are also just as wrong as some Republicans. If we wish to roll up the carpet, close the gates, turn off trade, and become a completely introverted nation, fine. It would work for a short time. Even here, two things would happen. Much of what we know would end, as raw materials would either come from within this nation or be left out of our lives. What trade might still occur over national tribal boundaries would be expensive, rare, and dependent completely upon foreign stability (a fiction without a dominant force). Further, the military would be stripped, again, in preparation for another drubbing. Are we really so secure that we do not need a military?
I suspect D.C. might be right. A total and systemic economic collapse is probably unlikely. Between big governments, big banks, the courts, the police, and the military, economies will not be allowed to simply die. The rich would have no shelters, governments would collapse, and people would drift out of the civil and into nearly purely tribal living. There is no fast way back from that. I think what we can expect is a continued calculated decline of the industrialized nations first down to Japanese levels, pre-earthquake, and then a continued slide down to Chinese economic levels. I think, actually, that is the goal. The rich will indeed get richer. At least until they are no longer perceived to be needed. Whether Russian or German or American, the rich have always thought they could control the totalitarian they put in office for whatever reasons they gave or give for doing so. They have always been incorrect.
I did read something wonderful today. A director for socialized medicine in Britain died after not receiving a needed surgery in time. After nine months, she finally received the surgery. It was too late. I noted in the comments that some tool suggested that it was nice (or something) that this woman did not use her power to jump to the front of the line. My guess, she would have if she could have. She was simply too small of a fish to move that barrier. As for me, no death pleases me more than a directly deserved one. How many people had that woman killed through the auspices of her position? It is not poetic justice or irony, those are mistaken notions. This is direct justice meted out with the very rod this woman used upon others. *thwack* Some days I just know God loves me, this is better than beer and far better than Americanized women.
As for hope and change? Here is hope that this type of change flourishes. I can hear the whispers of dread moving through "public servants" as I write this. No unions, no sweetheart deals, no trough gouging, and no bull. Service requires sacrifice, and to be honest, I see little of either in the current line up. Overpaid and underworked is what I see. Oh, sure, they rack up 18 hours a week in overtime doing... paperwork. Really? Teacher and social worker (yet to be fully explored) pedophilia, overpaid and benefited, guaranteed job security, no accountability, with the courts generally on their side, it is time for privatization.
Grumpy? Yes, did you read any of that? Further, when looking at kitchens, to find kitchens which cost more than my house and car... in vacation homes. Really? Yeah, that was not even a big part of it, just one more mosquito in the swarm.
I should get ready, look over my outdoor problem, and get going. A shorter drive today. And easier drive beyond that. A partly sunny day to go with the rest. Plus, I am leaving most of my grump here. You should too. At least, until election time arrives. Then share it well and rightly. Assuming there are politicians who can listen and will act. Most likely, to be honest, I will not be voting for president, again. A McRomba just will not do, and that is all I see afield so far. Still, leaving my grump here. I will be seeing my doctor next, so will get a new one. Never you worry.
.
These are crazy days we live in. Conservatives, realizing we have been duped by a fake budget cut, are beginning to count heads for the lopping. Even marginal conservatives are beginning to see the scope of the problem. Democrats, socialists, communists, muslims, and unions are screeching about the betrayal(s) by their president, of course. Something about protesting too much and all that goes with the saying comes to mind. Orchestrating a wide front protest to a non-existent spending cut simply is not believable. On the flip side, "conservative" news outlets call the "cuts" a win. I am thinking a win, like in Charlie Sheen. Will the conservative house Republicans be doing shows soon too? Or are they too busy figuring out their tiger blood? One of the funniest things I read was Pelosi saying "But the fact is that elections shouldn't matter as much as they do...". Who does she think she is kidding? They do not matter, not a bit... so far.
Ayn Rand, the Paul's, and some others have some points. They are also just as wrong as some Republicans. If we wish to roll up the carpet, close the gates, turn off trade, and become a completely introverted nation, fine. It would work for a short time. Even here, two things would happen. Much of what we know would end, as raw materials would either come from within this nation or be left out of our lives. What trade might still occur over national tribal boundaries would be expensive, rare, and dependent completely upon foreign stability (a fiction without a dominant force). Further, the military would be stripped, again, in preparation for another drubbing. Are we really so secure that we do not need a military?
I suspect D.C. might be right. A total and systemic economic collapse is probably unlikely. Between big governments, big banks, the courts, the police, and the military, economies will not be allowed to simply die. The rich would have no shelters, governments would collapse, and people would drift out of the civil and into nearly purely tribal living. There is no fast way back from that. I think what we can expect is a continued calculated decline of the industrialized nations first down to Japanese levels, pre-earthquake, and then a continued slide down to Chinese economic levels. I think, actually, that is the goal. The rich will indeed get richer. At least until they are no longer perceived to be needed. Whether Russian or German or American, the rich have always thought they could control the totalitarian they put in office for whatever reasons they gave or give for doing so. They have always been incorrect.
I did read something wonderful today. A director for socialized medicine in Britain died after not receiving a needed surgery in time. After nine months, she finally received the surgery. It was too late. I noted in the comments that some tool suggested that it was nice (or something) that this woman did not use her power to jump to the front of the line. My guess, she would have if she could have. She was simply too small of a fish to move that barrier. As for me, no death pleases me more than a directly deserved one. How many people had that woman killed through the auspices of her position? It is not poetic justice or irony, those are mistaken notions. This is direct justice meted out with the very rod this woman used upon others. *thwack* Some days I just know God loves me, this is better than beer and far better than Americanized women.
As for hope and change? Here is hope that this type of change flourishes. I can hear the whispers of dread moving through "public servants" as I write this. No unions, no sweetheart deals, no trough gouging, and no bull. Service requires sacrifice, and to be honest, I see little of either in the current line up. Overpaid and underworked is what I see. Oh, sure, they rack up 18 hours a week in overtime doing... paperwork. Really? Teacher and social worker (yet to be fully explored) pedophilia, overpaid and benefited, guaranteed job security, no accountability, with the courts generally on their side, it is time for privatization.
Grumpy? Yes, did you read any of that? Further, when looking at kitchens, to find kitchens which cost more than my house and car... in vacation homes. Really? Yeah, that was not even a big part of it, just one more mosquito in the swarm.
I should get ready, look over my outdoor problem, and get going. A shorter drive today. And easier drive beyond that. A partly sunny day to go with the rest. Plus, I am leaving most of my grump here. You should too. At least, until election time arrives. Then share it well and rightly. Assuming there are politicians who can listen and will act. Most likely, to be honest, I will not be voting for president, again. A McRomba just will not do, and that is all I see afield so far. Still, leaving my grump here. I will be seeing my doctor next, so will get a new one. Never you worry.
Up and at it.
.
.
Little pain this morning. Enough that I wanted to take a few aspirin again as if left untreated, sometimes the morning gripes will get worse. Normally I do not take pain pills, preferring to just let it work out as it will or will not and just living with it. But when I have to go and do, it is better to have pain be one less thing to complicate my activities. I woke before the alarm, again, by two hours. This, after two days, means I am sleeping about six hours a night. I suppose even with little sunshine, my body recognizes the season and is adjusting. Just because we are not getting much direct sunshine, the days are getting longer. It is enough for my system to begin warming up for the summer to come.
I do not look forward to this visit. My guess, even though I suspect they read this blog, is that the doctor will try and push pills I cannot take for something he will not actually treat. Beyond the scripts out (whether used or not), money in, scam, I suspect "medical providers" are expected to preach their "gospel" about health and such. They have a bureaucratic duty to perform. That duty is above any medical assistance they might actually be able to provide. Let them bleed out, just make sure they know what "we" want them to do, health-wise, first. They are not legally culpable for our deaths, it is no skin off their noses, no blight on their records. Expect a report.
On a good note, it looks like the sun is out today. How long it will remain out I could not say. The weather reports seem relatively accurate, but what exactly "partly cloudy" means depends on where, when, and if. I am looking forward to a drive, more so since I do not need to drive on the interstate and I get to go through the pass again today. Some things just sneak up on you, I hope I enjoy the view as much today as yesterday.
I am going to look at the trees I need to get into this morning. I will let my mind stew about how to get in the trees, how to cut those branches safely, how to secure the branches needed to be cut and then get those branches down safely. I have not accurately assessed that, the problems looked too big to date. Looking at my account, I realize it is down to either eventual electrical failure or me figuring out how to climb, cut, and extract, as tree trimming is quite expensive. I will still have to purchase a chain saw and probably a ladder. So it will probably not be something I can do tomorrow. A month or two is better than three or four months or more, though, so... Bah!
I must admit that less than a year into home ownership I find myself questioning my sanity in regards to purchasing a home. Perhaps I thought I could do more, afford more, that the needs and wants would pull more from me. Perhaps I thought I would rise to the occasion and just figure it all out or enough to make this ship run. I am not giving up, I will continue. I suppose this happens to all first-time home buyers? I do like not worrying about having a landlord knock on my door, raise the rent, or even possibly sell the property from under me. I do enjoy actually, technically, having legal rights to and on home and land. I like that if I want, gardens, livestock, and pets are not deniable. I like that if I want to change a window, install a new door, or fix something I am not out of my own money without gain or having to wait for a landlord who just as likely would rather not spend a dime. I will give it time. Perhaps it will draw me out. At least once I obtain enough tools to do the work at hand, and some experience. I have too few bees in my bonnet. Perhaps that is for a reason. Perhaps it is a part of the problem. Time will tell more surely.
I have been looking at ways to do some things in the kitchen. When I could afford it is another thing. Simply fixing the floor would be a good start. It is more than dated and needs to be replaced. I have also been looking at a few other projects for the kitchen that I could possibly do. All pipe dreams, for now. A few more tools, a few successes, some money saved over time, and a little gumption. Further, I do believe a little more financial surety makes going out on a limb in the gumption area much more feasible. Having to worry about dry rot or mold mitigation or other unforeseen expenses on too slim a budget acts as saltpeter was thought to work for sexual adventures. Look, drool, dream, and... save nickels where I can. I just have to live long enough to save enough to... *grins* I like tales and am curious to see how even my own story will unfold. I almost wish I knew but am glad I do not. Judging from the past, if I knew what was ahead of me I do not think I would still be here. Depending on when I knew. Thankfully, I am quite past that. Still, I do not want to know what else is coming. I just do not.
Have a good day.
.
Little pain this morning. Enough that I wanted to take a few aspirin again as if left untreated, sometimes the morning gripes will get worse. Normally I do not take pain pills, preferring to just let it work out as it will or will not and just living with it. But when I have to go and do, it is better to have pain be one less thing to complicate my activities. I woke before the alarm, again, by two hours. This, after two days, means I am sleeping about six hours a night. I suppose even with little sunshine, my body recognizes the season and is adjusting. Just because we are not getting much direct sunshine, the days are getting longer. It is enough for my system to begin warming up for the summer to come.
I do not look forward to this visit. My guess, even though I suspect they read this blog, is that the doctor will try and push pills I cannot take for something he will not actually treat. Beyond the scripts out (whether used or not), money in, scam, I suspect "medical providers" are expected to preach their "gospel" about health and such. They have a bureaucratic duty to perform. That duty is above any medical assistance they might actually be able to provide. Let them bleed out, just make sure they know what "we" want them to do, health-wise, first. They are not legally culpable for our deaths, it is no skin off their noses, no blight on their records. Expect a report.
On a good note, it looks like the sun is out today. How long it will remain out I could not say. The weather reports seem relatively accurate, but what exactly "partly cloudy" means depends on where, when, and if. I am looking forward to a drive, more so since I do not need to drive on the interstate and I get to go through the pass again today. Some things just sneak up on you, I hope I enjoy the view as much today as yesterday.
I am going to look at the trees I need to get into this morning. I will let my mind stew about how to get in the trees, how to cut those branches safely, how to secure the branches needed to be cut and then get those branches down safely. I have not accurately assessed that, the problems looked too big to date. Looking at my account, I realize it is down to either eventual electrical failure or me figuring out how to climb, cut, and extract, as tree trimming is quite expensive. I will still have to purchase a chain saw and probably a ladder. So it will probably not be something I can do tomorrow. A month or two is better than three or four months or more, though, so... Bah!
I must admit that less than a year into home ownership I find myself questioning my sanity in regards to purchasing a home. Perhaps I thought I could do more, afford more, that the needs and wants would pull more from me. Perhaps I thought I would rise to the occasion and just figure it all out or enough to make this ship run. I am not giving up, I will continue. I suppose this happens to all first-time home buyers? I do like not worrying about having a landlord knock on my door, raise the rent, or even possibly sell the property from under me. I do enjoy actually, technically, having legal rights to and on home and land. I like that if I want, gardens, livestock, and pets are not deniable. I like that if I want to change a window, install a new door, or fix something I am not out of my own money without gain or having to wait for a landlord who just as likely would rather not spend a dime. I will give it time. Perhaps it will draw me out. At least once I obtain enough tools to do the work at hand, and some experience. I have too few bees in my bonnet. Perhaps that is for a reason. Perhaps it is a part of the problem. Time will tell more surely.
I have been looking at ways to do some things in the kitchen. When I could afford it is another thing. Simply fixing the floor would be a good start. It is more than dated and needs to be replaced. I have also been looking at a few other projects for the kitchen that I could possibly do. All pipe dreams, for now. A few more tools, a few successes, some money saved over time, and a little gumption. Further, I do believe a little more financial surety makes going out on a limb in the gumption area much more feasible. Having to worry about dry rot or mold mitigation or other unforeseen expenses on too slim a budget acts as saltpeter was thought to work for sexual adventures. Look, drool, dream, and... save nickels where I can. I just have to live long enough to save enough to... *grins* I like tales and am curious to see how even my own story will unfold. I almost wish I knew but am glad I do not. Judging from the past, if I knew what was ahead of me I do not think I would still be here. Depending on when I knew. Thankfully, I am quite past that. Still, I do not want to know what else is coming. I just do not.
Have a good day.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Ahahaha
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The drive was fine, up and back. I am never sure how long it will take to get there, with traffic on I-15 being quite variable. There were many people pulled over by the police today and two or three accidents, each of those last with at least one ambulance. That is not usual. It makes driving a bit too serious. Oh, but the pass I need to drive through! Though I deny seeing beauty in nature, and usually do not, sometimes it sneaks up on me. Going through the pass, both ways, I saw temporary lakes reflecting the mountains and sky. Along with fresh green and yet some snow remaining, the scenes were very pleasing. It was as close to breathtaking as views can be to me. I suppose I should be happy to not be immune to beauty. Whatever else, I enjoyed that and will keep the memory around a while to enjoy when little else is available.
As for the doctor appointment, nothing new. They did go over what they were looking at and for with regards to the MRI and the results as well. Nothing to report. I did ask about Cushing's Syndrome, as I thought it was something that would have been checked by the MRI. No, no it was not. So they are going to add another test. This time I saw an actual doctor and then what I believe to be the senior physician of the clinic. The first doctor described my situation. I concurred. She asked what has worked, etc. Same story, same results, exactly what I expected. I did not and will not start these conversations. However, I will defend my position. My position is not based on feelings, thoughts, concerns, but on actual results. Why do these medicines affect me like this? That is not my problem. My problem is that the effects are real and the solution is something they will not offer. As I told them, I consider myself on palliative care at this point. It is merely about comfort and ease of life until I die. You cannot say someone who has limped his crippled butt half way through engineering school is lazy or disinterested.
I have changed my medical provider at my typical clinic. I will see him tomorrow. I did not do this in the hopes of receiving the correct medication, only so that any real medical issues will be treated as other than psychological or be told that the problem is just due to high blood pressure. My earache, last time, was probably a minor infection. Instead, I was told it was just high blood pressure. Further, it was suggested that I go into a psych ward where they would treat my high blood pressure. And they wonder why they we tell them lies? They ask me to lie. I will not do that again. I will lay it out for the doctor. I am not there to be treated for hbp or diabetes, these are simply the way of life. If he cannot treat other illnesses then I will need to find another caregiver or simply give up on medicine altogether. Of course, at that point, I will most likely lodge a complaint. Not that it will help, the V.A. is a union bureaucracy and covers itself. It is no longer a health care provider, it is an employer and Democratic fund raising mechanism. The clinic I went to today, in spite of me continuing to say I would not take the medicines they offered, tried to get me to let them write scripts for them anyway. More scripts out, more money in. Scam.
I am going to browse your offerings now. Perhaps I will be able to get a bit of cleaning and cook something before too long. Or not. Who knows. Later.
.
The drive was fine, up and back. I am never sure how long it will take to get there, with traffic on I-15 being quite variable. There were many people pulled over by the police today and two or three accidents, each of those last with at least one ambulance. That is not usual. It makes driving a bit too serious. Oh, but the pass I need to drive through! Though I deny seeing beauty in nature, and usually do not, sometimes it sneaks up on me. Going through the pass, both ways, I saw temporary lakes reflecting the mountains and sky. Along with fresh green and yet some snow remaining, the scenes were very pleasing. It was as close to breathtaking as views can be to me. I suppose I should be happy to not be immune to beauty. Whatever else, I enjoyed that and will keep the memory around a while to enjoy when little else is available.
As for the doctor appointment, nothing new. They did go over what they were looking at and for with regards to the MRI and the results as well. Nothing to report. I did ask about Cushing's Syndrome, as I thought it was something that would have been checked by the MRI. No, no it was not. So they are going to add another test. This time I saw an actual doctor and then what I believe to be the senior physician of the clinic. The first doctor described my situation. I concurred. She asked what has worked, etc. Same story, same results, exactly what I expected. I did not and will not start these conversations. However, I will defend my position. My position is not based on feelings, thoughts, concerns, but on actual results. Why do these medicines affect me like this? That is not my problem. My problem is that the effects are real and the solution is something they will not offer. As I told them, I consider myself on palliative care at this point. It is merely about comfort and ease of life until I die. You cannot say someone who has limped his crippled butt half way through engineering school is lazy or disinterested.
I have changed my medical provider at my typical clinic. I will see him tomorrow. I did not do this in the hopes of receiving the correct medication, only so that any real medical issues will be treated as other than psychological or be told that the problem is just due to high blood pressure. My earache, last time, was probably a minor infection. Instead, I was told it was just high blood pressure. Further, it was suggested that I go into a psych ward where they would treat my high blood pressure. And they wonder why they we tell them lies? They ask me to lie. I will not do that again. I will lay it out for the doctor. I am not there to be treated for hbp or diabetes, these are simply the way of life. If he cannot treat other illnesses then I will need to find another caregiver or simply give up on medicine altogether. Of course, at that point, I will most likely lodge a complaint. Not that it will help, the V.A. is a union bureaucracy and covers itself. It is no longer a health care provider, it is an employer and Democratic fund raising mechanism. The clinic I went to today, in spite of me continuing to say I would not take the medicines they offered, tried to get me to let them write scripts for them anyway. More scripts out, more money in. Scam.
I am going to browse your offerings now. Perhaps I will be able to get a bit of cleaning and cook something before too long. Or not. Who knows. Later.
What does it mean?
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Your Aspie score: 106 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 105 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
I have no idea what most of this psycho-babble is all about. I keep looking though. Now, I take these things very seriously. Just like my horoscope. No, I am not being literal. Or I am but then twisting it. NO! I do not believe in horoscopes. The hints I have to leave. *sigh* Whatever, there it is. If you know what it is supposed to mean, I would be curious to hear. Of course, I do admit to believing, before this, that I dip into the autistic somehow. Then again, that may simply be profound dissociation. Who knows.
Waking was, as usual for the last few months, a rough thing. Not necessarily that waking up is difficult by itself, merely that waking up through powerful neck and shoulder pain along with a powerful headache is a bit of a chore. I woke a little bit before my eight hours of granted sleep was finished, but in pain. Since I have to take a trip this afternoon, I decided to take some aspirin with caffeine and go back to bed. Since it was really time to get up, according to my internal clock, I only rested a bit. The pain lifted rather quickly and I was still out of bed before my alarm alarmed me. I love shutting that thing off before it goes off. I wish I could do that all the time. Though I love the invention of the alarm clock, I despise waking to it. I truly have a convoluted love-hate relationship with the device. I ought to marry one! Too funny! After writing that my mind just had an explosion of things I should not say regarding the intricacies of such a union. Screw time, though thought a little more in a vulgarized vernacular, for example. I love chuckles first thing in the morning... or actually any time. Now I have a mine for chuckles to ward off sour-puss-me that should last the day.
I am so behind on so many chores, business dealings, and such, that I do not know where to begin. I have an appointment today and tomorrow, which means little else will be completed for those two days. I have some small hope that getting out will give rise to more getting out. Then again, with the weather as gloomy as it has been, getting out has only been for grocery shopping. With money concerns, even that has not been all that much fun. Adding in a lack of real hunger and an inability to maintain my kitchen (though at least this time I stopped when I got a single full sink of dishes pretty much), grocery shopping is almost just for milk and soda and often only days after running out of one, the other, and just as often having both be gone for half a week.
Still, getting out might help. Further, the appointment tomorrow regards my lungs. Lungs which have been becoming compressed and seem to be collecting liquid. With a reduced capacity to breath, occasionally wheezing for no reason, burning lungs, and pain when breathing (all only from time to time), life has become slightly more complicated. I am hoping it is a minor upper respiratory infection which allows for a simple anti-biotic or other treatment and then... *bing* better. It would help. It seems to be the little things which can trip the giant. Big things are ignored or crushed. I wish they were all big, or at least accessible. Uhrm, I should probably be careful with my wishes though too? Yeah.
Having the computer back puts me back into the computer room. This room actually stays much warmer for a number of reasons than the rest of my home. This, I think, is helpful at this time. Of course, when it gets too warm, I can cool off a bit just a few steps away. Summers do not offer such refuge, for the most part. Then again, only for a few weeks last summer was refuge as sought a thing. It is odd how such little things, things of which I am often consciously unaware, tend to stack for or against me. Then again I know these things only marginally affect the outcome and would be impossible to regulate due to changes in how I react to them or when I react to them. Messy.
I best get going. To help you on your way I will offer a two part piece of advice. Find something good and solid to dissatisfy you, something to gnaw upon intellectually. Then find something to chuckle or otherwise cluck pleasantly regarding then do so. When one of those bones gets a bit stale to your palate, begin chewing on the other. And may the rest of your day fill your thoughts enough that both do not become too dull at one time. Have a great day.
Oh, on a quick review of my regular blogs, I happened upon another test. Here is my "diagnosis":
Well, there is something to it. Uhrm, those "*" are my additions. There cannot be that many like me, but there must be some. Too bad? Whatever. Still, horoscope stuff. But... interesting. If you like it, or it seems to fit... it's less likely to be accurate... I think?
.
Your Aspie score: 106 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 105 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
I have no idea what most of this psycho-babble is all about. I keep looking though. Now, I take these things very seriously. Just like my horoscope. No, I am not being literal. Or I am but then twisting it. NO! I do not believe in horoscopes. The hints I have to leave. *sigh* Whatever, there it is. If you know what it is supposed to mean, I would be curious to hear. Of course, I do admit to believing, before this, that I dip into the autistic somehow. Then again, that may simply be profound dissociation. Who knows.
Waking was, as usual for the last few months, a rough thing. Not necessarily that waking up is difficult by itself, merely that waking up through powerful neck and shoulder pain along with a powerful headache is a bit of a chore. I woke a little bit before my eight hours of granted sleep was finished, but in pain. Since I have to take a trip this afternoon, I decided to take some aspirin with caffeine and go back to bed. Since it was really time to get up, according to my internal clock, I only rested a bit. The pain lifted rather quickly and I was still out of bed before my alarm alarmed me. I love shutting that thing off before it goes off. I wish I could do that all the time. Though I love the invention of the alarm clock, I despise waking to it. I truly have a convoluted love-hate relationship with the device. I ought to marry one! Too funny! After writing that my mind just had an explosion of things I should not say regarding the intricacies of such a union. Screw time, though thought a little more in a vulgarized vernacular, for example. I love chuckles first thing in the morning... or actually any time. Now I have a mine for chuckles to ward off sour-puss-me that should last the day.
I am so behind on so many chores, business dealings, and such, that I do not know where to begin. I have an appointment today and tomorrow, which means little else will be completed for those two days. I have some small hope that getting out will give rise to more getting out. Then again, with the weather as gloomy as it has been, getting out has only been for grocery shopping. With money concerns, even that has not been all that much fun. Adding in a lack of real hunger and an inability to maintain my kitchen (though at least this time I stopped when I got a single full sink of dishes pretty much), grocery shopping is almost just for milk and soda and often only days after running out of one, the other, and just as often having both be gone for half a week.
Still, getting out might help. Further, the appointment tomorrow regards my lungs. Lungs which have been becoming compressed and seem to be collecting liquid. With a reduced capacity to breath, occasionally wheezing for no reason, burning lungs, and pain when breathing (all only from time to time), life has become slightly more complicated. I am hoping it is a minor upper respiratory infection which allows for a simple anti-biotic or other treatment and then... *bing* better. It would help. It seems to be the little things which can trip the giant. Big things are ignored or crushed. I wish they were all big, or at least accessible. Uhrm, I should probably be careful with my wishes though too? Yeah.
Having the computer back puts me back into the computer room. This room actually stays much warmer for a number of reasons than the rest of my home. This, I think, is helpful at this time. Of course, when it gets too warm, I can cool off a bit just a few steps away. Summers do not offer such refuge, for the most part. Then again, only for a few weeks last summer was refuge as sought a thing. It is odd how such little things, things of which I am often consciously unaware, tend to stack for or against me. Then again I know these things only marginally affect the outcome and would be impossible to regulate due to changes in how I react to them or when I react to them. Messy.
I best get going. To help you on your way I will offer a two part piece of advice. Find something good and solid to dissatisfy you, something to gnaw upon intellectually. Then find something to chuckle or otherwise cluck pleasantly regarding then do so. When one of those bones gets a bit stale to your palate, begin chewing on the other. And may the rest of your day fill your thoughts enough that both do not become too dull at one time. Have a great day.
Oh, on a quick review of my regular blogs, I happened upon another test. Here is my "diagnosis":
Verbally and mentally fluid, you are refreshing and illuminating to those around you. This is occasionally somewhat discounted by the obvious pleasure that you take in exercising your mental acuity. *evil grins* Although generally peaceful you can take a verbally aggressive tact in relations with the world, which can often be misunderstood by those around you. *sigh* Innovative in the extreme, you can often think yourself right out of the correct answer to a given problem. *Doh!* Many times you are referred to as your own worst enemy. You tire very quickly of routine and so make poor clerks or administrative help. *zzz* You also have no respect for authority and little patience for those you regard as inferior, most especially those in charge. Experimentation is your watchword and can lead to experience for it's own sake and shallow decadence. Your thought can sometimes be scattered and disconnected.
Well, there is something to it. Uhrm, those "*" are my additions. There cannot be that many like me, but there must be some. Too bad? Whatever. Still, horoscope stuff. But... interesting. If you like it, or it seems to fit... it's less likely to be accurate... I think?
Monday, April 11, 2011
It is still rough.
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I am thinking that the lack of sun has been a part of my ineptitude of late. Of course, having lungs that seem half full of fluid along with coughing, having no computer to organize my thoughts through blogging and writing out goals, losing contact with the few people with whom I have familiarity, and a few other things do not help. I never thought I would admit this, but I am looking forward to warmer weather. Not so much for the warmth as for a hope to see more sunshine. I am no sunophile, to be sure. I simply realize I need sunshine as much or more than I need a regular diet. Food has not tasted good lately. I have been struggling to work up the energy to cook, and then clean to cook again. Even my favorite foods taste good mostly from memory rather than present consumption. And yet, deep inside, I am as hungry as ever. I want to want food more than have actual hunger, but it is there.
If I suffer from depression to any degree, it would be when the sun does not shine enough for some period of time. How long it takes to bring me down I cannot say. How long the depression lasts once the sun begins to shine I am not certain. Then again, my guess is that quantity and quality depends a great deal upon other factors and so would never be quantifiable by any static metric. Of course, something else I realize is this means my main complaint probably has little or nothing to do with depression. While depression comes and goes, broadens and diminishes, for me it goes away but without giving me anything of my life back. No one could be depressed for this long or have it be this deeply disturbing without simply dying from not eating, I think. No, I am crippled. Depression is something I share, occasionally and rather typically, with the rest of the human races. Never mind the overpaid bureaucrat types who believe their sheepskin wallpaper actually means they understand anything. Mommy or daddy or their own peculiarities lead them to a cushy job with no real measure of success other than money and the prestige conferred by A-list clientele.
I have passed several opportunities to buy a chainsaw, but that is the next thing on my list. I need it more than want it, and sooner is far better and wiser than later. With electricity to my home being threatened, along with various dangers such as fire and atypical electric shock therapy for me and mine, I need to get on that. I looked at the situation and am not sure a ladder would directly help. It might, however, make climbing the trees easier by getting me closer to the branches which would potentially support me, assuming that would work at all and there is some reason to wonder. I will say, the chores ahead of me will be fraught with danger. Just imagine three hundred pounds of man, machine, and gear out on some limb balancing and trying to use a chainsaw thirty feet off the ground. My balance is extremely good, reflexes are great, but stamina is shot and all of the other variables are new to me. How much weight does a particular branch hold? How much will that branch swing when some chunk of it is cut off? How am I going to keep that cut off chunk from doing exactly what I am cutting it to prevent, breaking the electric wire? I have some limited climbing gear, but that too is untested. Should be interesting. I might have to sell tickets. If I survive, the proceeds might come in handy. If not, perhaps the money could help bury me.
My finger has fully healed, by the way. I guess I forgot about it and it is now as flexible as ever. There is still a solid scar lump at the wound entrance. But if you did not know to look for it you would not see it, or even really feel it. How odd. I do heal well, better than I have any right to heal, and faster than I would suspect. I would guess I heal better than most people can heal. I was made to be wounded! I am really not looking forward to tree trimming, with that realization. Ah well, any wounds would make for blog fodder, assuming my hands are still attached... and my head.
Good night.
.
I am thinking that the lack of sun has been a part of my ineptitude of late. Of course, having lungs that seem half full of fluid along with coughing, having no computer to organize my thoughts through blogging and writing out goals, losing contact with the few people with whom I have familiarity, and a few other things do not help. I never thought I would admit this, but I am looking forward to warmer weather. Not so much for the warmth as for a hope to see more sunshine. I am no sunophile, to be sure. I simply realize I need sunshine as much or more than I need a regular diet. Food has not tasted good lately. I have been struggling to work up the energy to cook, and then clean to cook again. Even my favorite foods taste good mostly from memory rather than present consumption. And yet, deep inside, I am as hungry as ever. I want to want food more than have actual hunger, but it is there.
If I suffer from depression to any degree, it would be when the sun does not shine enough for some period of time. How long it takes to bring me down I cannot say. How long the depression lasts once the sun begins to shine I am not certain. Then again, my guess is that quantity and quality depends a great deal upon other factors and so would never be quantifiable by any static metric. Of course, something else I realize is this means my main complaint probably has little or nothing to do with depression. While depression comes and goes, broadens and diminishes, for me it goes away but without giving me anything of my life back. No one could be depressed for this long or have it be this deeply disturbing without simply dying from not eating, I think. No, I am crippled. Depression is something I share, occasionally and rather typically, with the rest of the human races. Never mind the overpaid bureaucrat types who believe their sheepskin wallpaper actually means they understand anything. Mommy or daddy or their own peculiarities lead them to a cushy job with no real measure of success other than money and the prestige conferred by A-list clientele.
I have passed several opportunities to buy a chainsaw, but that is the next thing on my list. I need it more than want it, and sooner is far better and wiser than later. With electricity to my home being threatened, along with various dangers such as fire and atypical electric shock therapy for me and mine, I need to get on that. I looked at the situation and am not sure a ladder would directly help. It might, however, make climbing the trees easier by getting me closer to the branches which would potentially support me, assuming that would work at all and there is some reason to wonder. I will say, the chores ahead of me will be fraught with danger. Just imagine three hundred pounds of man, machine, and gear out on some limb balancing and trying to use a chainsaw thirty feet off the ground. My balance is extremely good, reflexes are great, but stamina is shot and all of the other variables are new to me. How much weight does a particular branch hold? How much will that branch swing when some chunk of it is cut off? How am I going to keep that cut off chunk from doing exactly what I am cutting it to prevent, breaking the electric wire? I have some limited climbing gear, but that too is untested. Should be interesting. I might have to sell tickets. If I survive, the proceeds might come in handy. If not, perhaps the money could help bury me.
My finger has fully healed, by the way. I guess I forgot about it and it is now as flexible as ever. There is still a solid scar lump at the wound entrance. But if you did not know to look for it you would not see it, or even really feel it. How odd. I do heal well, better than I have any right to heal, and faster than I would suspect. I would guess I heal better than most people can heal. I was made to be wounded! I am really not looking forward to tree trimming, with that realization. Ah well, any wounds would make for blog fodder, assuming my hands are still attached... and my head.
Good night.
Have you spoken to anyone recently?
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Being sequestered in my little world, I rarely get out. As such, I rarely converse. However, I keep bumping into conversations which remind me of one reason I do like academics. Though academics are not good at logic and reason, and though they usually know very little about history or politics despite their devotion to what they do not understand in the direction a lack of understanding would indicate, they can pronounce their words well, form complete sentences, and communicate well. To be honest though, that is rather weak. Actually, it is worse. Having all of the training to go forth and learn and then not doing so is far worse than simply not having the skills thus not using them. Still, speaking with academics lends to the notion that there might be intelligent people with whom one might converse. I am a picky bastage, but that is the way it goes. In one of the better recent conversations, I did hear a good horse, in this area, will go for around $1,200 and if feed is only needed in the winter will eat about 4 tons of hay.
I see in the news that the Republicans have garnered what many hail as a victory and others trumpet as a surrender. I have a foot in both camps, at least within the various regions of the conservative libertarian circles. My practical mind understands (believes) that Rep. Boehner probably got every bit that he possibly could barring shutting down the government. And while I actually favor a government shutdown, I have to hold my personal feelings aside and realize that a shutdown would have been a very possible political loss for conservatives. To say it would not be a gamble is to lie. Further, I look at the bits and pieces cut as a sort of gift to even be able to negotiate in the first place. Had Democrats crafted a bill and sent it through when they were in the total majority, not only would we not being seeing cuts, as anemic as they are, we would very likely have seen more spending than what was proposed before cuts were negotiated.
Does that change how I feel? No. I wanted hundreds of billions or trillions cut. I still do. What is worse, I doubt if such cuts are even possible, regardless of what the magic negro is being puppeteered to say at this point. I know I cannot blame a majority of one third of the the parties in power for finances. However, I also do not trust the minority majority. How much are they resisting cutting. Sure, there are the 50 or so we can count on, but the rest? How steeped in government money both politically and personally are most representatives and senators?
Politicians, like professional athletes, mob bosses, even teachers are groomed to fit a post. They do everything they can to carve out their little niche. They are helped by those who agree or believe that any investment will be returned. These people are not there to do you, me, or even their sponsor's will, those are hoops to the goal. The goals, if varied, include wealth, fame, power, and simply making it to the top of their field. Most will not make it through to the presidency, but they are close enough, getting much glory, gold, and power but with a much reduced glare of the limelight, should they choose that. It cannot be in these men that we place our hope. They are tools though, and if they can be guaranteed to not reach real power through grassroots activism, they may come in handy. It would be much like using a hammer that does not really want to hit the nail, of course.
The only real thing to have trust in is citizens. If elections have any reality to them, there is a hope that our votes will and have been counting. The problems with that, however, include suffrage and allowing voting by people who only take from the system, though often that is the same thing. Someone who is not paying in significant taxes, often any taxes, who can vote for politicians who will give to them anyway, endangers the whole system. Given that, the thing gets slim.
I suppose the only thing to hope, politically, is that when the cards crash to the ground, that the republic part of the government will be strong enough to bind and protect what is (including citizens as a part of the republican apparatus and by citizens I mean men) and enough local (national, really) capital to attempt to rebuild some of what we had to a point where we do not simply fall first to barbarism and then to nearly prehistoric sustenance living. Ah well, who knows.
By the way, I was looking at bikes recently. At the first bike shop I saw a few that looked good. I looked them over more closely. Then I about choked on my tongue. The model that caught my eye at that first place was... are you ready?... $4,500. You know, I cannot even imagine buying ANY manual piece of equipment for that price. Then again, I am not even sure I could buy a snowmobile or motorcycle for that price, but those at least are not manually operated. *sigh* Still, my friend said Wal-Mart carried bikes for $100. I thought he was kidding or mistaken so we went and looked. It is true. I looked around a bit and found a bike, dirt bike style so that I (think) I could ride it on gravel, on the side of roads, and maybe a bit off-road, if need be and yet it was large enough for me. I also looked at a more comfortable seat (those ball breakers just aren't quite my style). I also looked at a light system, several reflectors, tool and tube repair kits, mirrors, and a few other doodads. The price, sum total, would have been less than $200. Of course, I would like to see reviews of such a bike (Schwinn), see if there are recommendations regarding upgrades, whether the bike is just a rust bucket about to happen (or already happening just covered for the moment), and whether it can actually handle my weight and the simple dirt roads it might have to take. I have no plans for mountain biking, I will leave that to the young guns. I keep thinking, what in the world could possibly make one bike worth $4,500 and another quite similar bike be worth $160. Someone is way off.
Later.
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Being sequestered in my little world, I rarely get out. As such, I rarely converse. However, I keep bumping into conversations which remind me of one reason I do like academics. Though academics are not good at logic and reason, and though they usually know very little about history or politics despite their devotion to what they do not understand in the direction a lack of understanding would indicate, they can pronounce their words well, form complete sentences, and communicate well. To be honest though, that is rather weak. Actually, it is worse. Having all of the training to go forth and learn and then not doing so is far worse than simply not having the skills thus not using them. Still, speaking with academics lends to the notion that there might be intelligent people with whom one might converse. I am a picky bastage, but that is the way it goes. In one of the better recent conversations, I did hear a good horse, in this area, will go for around $1,200 and if feed is only needed in the winter will eat about 4 tons of hay.
I see in the news that the Republicans have garnered what many hail as a victory and others trumpet as a surrender. I have a foot in both camps, at least within the various regions of the conservative libertarian circles. My practical mind understands (believes) that Rep. Boehner probably got every bit that he possibly could barring shutting down the government. And while I actually favor a government shutdown, I have to hold my personal feelings aside and realize that a shutdown would have been a very possible political loss for conservatives. To say it would not be a gamble is to lie. Further, I look at the bits and pieces cut as a sort of gift to even be able to negotiate in the first place. Had Democrats crafted a bill and sent it through when they were in the total majority, not only would we not being seeing cuts, as anemic as they are, we would very likely have seen more spending than what was proposed before cuts were negotiated.
Does that change how I feel? No. I wanted hundreds of billions or trillions cut. I still do. What is worse, I doubt if such cuts are even possible, regardless of what the magic negro is being puppeteered to say at this point. I know I cannot blame a majority of one third of the the parties in power for finances. However, I also do not trust the minority majority. How much are they resisting cutting. Sure, there are the 50 or so we can count on, but the rest? How steeped in government money both politically and personally are most representatives and senators?
Politicians, like professional athletes, mob bosses, even teachers are groomed to fit a post. They do everything they can to carve out their little niche. They are helped by those who agree or believe that any investment will be returned. These people are not there to do you, me, or even their sponsor's will, those are hoops to the goal. The goals, if varied, include wealth, fame, power, and simply making it to the top of their field. Most will not make it through to the presidency, but they are close enough, getting much glory, gold, and power but with a much reduced glare of the limelight, should they choose that. It cannot be in these men that we place our hope. They are tools though, and if they can be guaranteed to not reach real power through grassroots activism, they may come in handy. It would be much like using a hammer that does not really want to hit the nail, of course.
The only real thing to have trust in is citizens. If elections have any reality to them, there is a hope that our votes will and have been counting. The problems with that, however, include suffrage and allowing voting by people who only take from the system, though often that is the same thing. Someone who is not paying in significant taxes, often any taxes, who can vote for politicians who will give to them anyway, endangers the whole system. Given that, the thing gets slim.
I suppose the only thing to hope, politically, is that when the cards crash to the ground, that the republic part of the government will be strong enough to bind and protect what is (including citizens as a part of the republican apparatus and by citizens I mean men) and enough local (national, really) capital to attempt to rebuild some of what we had to a point where we do not simply fall first to barbarism and then to nearly prehistoric sustenance living. Ah well, who knows.
By the way, I was looking at bikes recently. At the first bike shop I saw a few that looked good. I looked them over more closely. Then I about choked on my tongue. The model that caught my eye at that first place was... are you ready?... $4,500. You know, I cannot even imagine buying ANY manual piece of equipment for that price. Then again, I am not even sure I could buy a snowmobile or motorcycle for that price, but those at least are not manually operated. *sigh* Still, my friend said Wal-Mart carried bikes for $100. I thought he was kidding or mistaken so we went and looked. It is true. I looked around a bit and found a bike, dirt bike style so that I (think) I could ride it on gravel, on the side of roads, and maybe a bit off-road, if need be and yet it was large enough for me. I also looked at a more comfortable seat (those ball breakers just aren't quite my style). I also looked at a light system, several reflectors, tool and tube repair kits, mirrors, and a few other doodads. The price, sum total, would have been less than $200. Of course, I would like to see reviews of such a bike (Schwinn), see if there are recommendations regarding upgrades, whether the bike is just a rust bucket about to happen (or already happening just covered for the moment), and whether it can actually handle my weight and the simple dirt roads it might have to take. I have no plans for mountain biking, I will leave that to the young guns. I keep thinking, what in the world could possibly make one bike worth $4,500 and another quite similar bike be worth $160. Someone is way off.
Later.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Back!
.
.
Sort of back. After a bit of research, I figured out which defunct email address I needed to use to sign in. It is sometimes more difficult than one would think. Still, it is done. Now I can both post and comment on other sites.
While the machine has been down and before I received a loaner, life got very difficult. I have been able to stay awake most of days, but even keeping up on little things that I had been tending became impossible. My breathing has remained an issue as well, so much so that I finally made an appointment for that. As well, I have set up that appointment with a different medical provider, if still within the V.A. and at the same clinic. I will not pursue blood pressure treatment, I know how that will go no matter where I go within the V.A. I have two appointments coming up this week. That will be difficult to do, being back to back and in my current condition. I am quite motivated to see these through, though. Headaches and shoulder pain continue to plague me. Aspirin or Tylenol (I do not mix) neither always takes care of the problem at this point. I simply do not know why this started at about the same time my breathing problem and heart palpitations began. The heart has settled and is completely normal at this time though. Enough about medical.
I spoke with my mother about a drive to Iowa. That is not possible. Between looking at the mileage, my vehicle's mpg, and the cost of fuel, I realize it will be a long time before I make it to Iowa again. However, a round trip non-stop flight from Iowa, last I looked, was less than $300. If she wants to visit that looks like the way. So, she has asked that I buy tickets for this summer. I am right on that... tomorrow? Yeah, something like that.
I keep finding problems in and around the house. The water heater in the master bathroom leaks after showers sometimes. It is coming out of a pipe that looks like it was made for that. Still, it means something needs to be done. Just having gotten the internet back, and somehow becoming more on my feet, I will begin exploring troubleshooting. As well, I realized that a branch is growing over the main line from the pole to the house. I called the utility, they said that if I wanted, they would send someone out to watch me do the work. Watch me? No thanks. So, I have to figure that out. There is another power line from the house to one of the outbuildings that is also endangered by a branch. I simply hope a powerful storm does not end up cutting my lines. Further, the washer, the one I thought I had problem solved, is again not working. It is not very much cold water through the line. Further, it is leaking. I am considering dismantling it. Calling in a repairmen, even if it is the final step, will more than likely mean replacing the machine. Parts often cost more than what a machine is worth, when added to the time and service charge before work is done. While getting a machine I prefer does not break my heart, the expense is something to consider.
Money, as always, is tight. I really am not sure how people can own homes. I suppose making another $20k per year, even with higher monthly costs, would smooth things out a bit. But being a single guy, spending actually quite little on food and other things, it is rough. I literally am living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not quite making it. So figuring out how to fit a new washer, a chainsaw, a ladder and other gear for trimming twenty to thirty feet in the air? I remember how I felt when I found out that just enough roofing to cover a twenty by eight foot part of a roof was, what... $400 to $600. I really wonder about people who make what I make, have to dress professionally and drive to work every day, and have even a wife must feel. I am supposed to be median income on top of which I pay no taxes, state or federal, and little property tax. Insane, I say, crazy.
The kids are doing good. Sassy has been out a time or two, if not far and only if I stand right there and hold the door so she can come back in at any moment. Sam remains the passive-aggressive sweetheart she likes to be. I have kicked them out of my bedroom as I have been sleeping later and Sassy has been scratching me for doing so. She really is a brat. When I wake and find her doing this (which I do not always do), she finds that my foot and the wall make for an uncomfortable combination. I have scratches though, which I must assume she has caused while I have been too asleep to wake from. I would allow Sam in, but being that I might sleep long, I think it best to leave her out with food and water.
Well, enough of an update. I will write a few things about this or that too, in a bit. Later.
.
Sort of back. After a bit of research, I figured out which defunct email address I needed to use to sign in. It is sometimes more difficult than one would think. Still, it is done. Now I can both post and comment on other sites.
While the machine has been down and before I received a loaner, life got very difficult. I have been able to stay awake most of days, but even keeping up on little things that I had been tending became impossible. My breathing has remained an issue as well, so much so that I finally made an appointment for that. As well, I have set up that appointment with a different medical provider, if still within the V.A. and at the same clinic. I will not pursue blood pressure treatment, I know how that will go no matter where I go within the V.A. I have two appointments coming up this week. That will be difficult to do, being back to back and in my current condition. I am quite motivated to see these through, though. Headaches and shoulder pain continue to plague me. Aspirin or Tylenol (I do not mix) neither always takes care of the problem at this point. I simply do not know why this started at about the same time my breathing problem and heart palpitations began. The heart has settled and is completely normal at this time though. Enough about medical.
I spoke with my mother about a drive to Iowa. That is not possible. Between looking at the mileage, my vehicle's mpg, and the cost of fuel, I realize it will be a long time before I make it to Iowa again. However, a round trip non-stop flight from Iowa, last I looked, was less than $300. If she wants to visit that looks like the way. So, she has asked that I buy tickets for this summer. I am right on that... tomorrow? Yeah, something like that.
I keep finding problems in and around the house. The water heater in the master bathroom leaks after showers sometimes. It is coming out of a pipe that looks like it was made for that. Still, it means something needs to be done. Just having gotten the internet back, and somehow becoming more on my feet, I will begin exploring troubleshooting. As well, I realized that a branch is growing over the main line from the pole to the house. I called the utility, they said that if I wanted, they would send someone out to watch me do the work. Watch me? No thanks. So, I have to figure that out. There is another power line from the house to one of the outbuildings that is also endangered by a branch. I simply hope a powerful storm does not end up cutting my lines. Further, the washer, the one I thought I had problem solved, is again not working. It is not very much cold water through the line. Further, it is leaking. I am considering dismantling it. Calling in a repairmen, even if it is the final step, will more than likely mean replacing the machine. Parts often cost more than what a machine is worth, when added to the time and service charge before work is done. While getting a machine I prefer does not break my heart, the expense is something to consider.
Money, as always, is tight. I really am not sure how people can own homes. I suppose making another $20k per year, even with higher monthly costs, would smooth things out a bit. But being a single guy, spending actually quite little on food and other things, it is rough. I literally am living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not quite making it. So figuring out how to fit a new washer, a chainsaw, a ladder and other gear for trimming twenty to thirty feet in the air? I remember how I felt when I found out that just enough roofing to cover a twenty by eight foot part of a roof was, what... $400 to $600. I really wonder about people who make what I make, have to dress professionally and drive to work every day, and have even a wife must feel. I am supposed to be median income on top of which I pay no taxes, state or federal, and little property tax. Insane, I say, crazy.
The kids are doing good. Sassy has been out a time or two, if not far and only if I stand right there and hold the door so she can come back in at any moment. Sam remains the passive-aggressive sweetheart she likes to be. I have kicked them out of my bedroom as I have been sleeping later and Sassy has been scratching me for doing so. She really is a brat. When I wake and find her doing this (which I do not always do), she finds that my foot and the wall make for an uncomfortable combination. I have scratches though, which I must assume she has caused while I have been too asleep to wake from. I would allow Sam in, but being that I might sleep long, I think it best to leave her out with food and water.
Well, enough of an update. I will write a few things about this or that too, in a bit. Later.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Why the Fed was not canceled this last time.
.
.
I keep thinking about this. One obvious answer keeps coming to the fore. Every time they created something like the Fed in the past, after about twenty years it was deactivated. It kept coming up, and it failed every time save this last time. Voters not only could but did watch what was happening, previously, and eventually shut it down. So, what changed between 1913 and 1933, and continues to this day? What changed with the electorate? If you do not know, consider not voting next election. If you do know, consider how else that change may have impacted politics, social norms, even religion. Yeah, there is that.
.
I keep thinking about this. One obvious answer keeps coming to the fore. Every time they created something like the Fed in the past, after about twenty years it was deactivated. It kept coming up, and it failed every time save this last time. Voters not only could but did watch what was happening, previously, and eventually shut it down. So, what changed between 1913 and 1933, and continues to this day? What changed with the electorate? If you do not know, consider not voting next election. If you do know, consider how else that change may have impacted politics, social norms, even religion. Yeah, there is that.
Things on my mind.
.
.
I just thought it should be known, cats are just as passive-aggressive as women. Sam kept pestering me to go outside. I got up four or five times to let her out. Usually I go to the front door right near me, which is fine with her. Sometimes she prefers the back door. Today, however, she would go to the close one, then head to the other door. So, I obliged and followed her to let her out the back way. Then, with a look asking what I thought I was doing, she simply sat near the hallway to the back door and then stayed in the house. Having tired of her games, the next time she did this, I gently picked her up, walked her to the back door, and out she went. Gently mind you. Still, since she may really have not wanted to go out, preferring to play with popo a bit more, she got me. Scratching me in the belly, but with just one claw and not too deeply. Yeah, passive-aggressive to be sure. I have been in relations with enough women to know that when I see it.
I just happened to be reading the local news. Well, state news IS local news hereabouts. I always look over accident reports, they stick out. At least viewing the headlines and maybe a few lines down to get a notion of what happened, ages, possible reasons for the accident. You know. Well, it turns out that an older couple (in their late 60's iirc) from town have perished in a one vehicle accident. I am not sure what to do. Being a small community, a death let alone two is significant. And yet I have no roots or other connections here. Does one send a card to the family? Is attendance at the funeral the way to go? Or should I simply offer a prayer for the rest of their souls and that their family find peace in time? It is not that I am uncomfortable with what to do here, I have always been a stranger in strange lands. I have never known the proper things to do. Every place I lived was a little or a lot different from the other places. This place was mostly Lutheran, that Catholic, my last was atheist, and this one happens to be Mormon, and I just do not know. From my understanding, to the best of my knowledge though, bachelors are not expected to... do anything. Which is part of why we are supposed to marry. The wife arranges and contacts and such. I think? So, a prayer is probably the way of it.
The news is rather empty these days. There is Japan, of course. A nuclear situation that "newsmen" will tell you is either eminently catastrophic on a global scale or just a little glitch to be of no concern. I weight the latter, only giving credence to the former with regard to potential global economic collapse which really only needs a little shove to begin... or end... or something like that depending on how you see things. Libya, and a waffling she-man so-called president is also eating up much of the scant news. Between going to war in spite of not being at war or even really going in... Huh? Yeah. As far as who we are helping, it seems to have become extremely clear that our men are in danger to support the muslim brotherhood and al-quaeda. Huh? It is not like people were not warned about Hussein before they elected him. How is egalitarianism for the sake of same working out? Ah, but you feel better, right? Whatever. The rest of the news seems to be muted, with minor stories of anarchist unions in Britain doing what they do, Madonna realizing that some places cannot be improved and being sued for attempting it, and such.
Oh, what news would I like to see reported or updated? I would like to know who is running the various muslim revolts. I can speculate, and probably correctly. Of course, getting the real story would be even more dangerous than what the newsmen face currently. Most of them seeming to be doing an Arab version of a running with the bulls, cheering the bulls as they go. How about doing some actual reporting? Who is in the leadership roles within the revolts? Is there more than one sponsor of the activities? If they are happy to investigate here, why not there? Chickens.
Another set of news I would like to know more about is where the various lawsuits regarding the recent Supreme Court ruling regarding firearm ownership is going in Chicago, D.C., and a few other places. How about where the state laws regarding exemptions from federal laws regarding firearms manufacture and sales? I would almost guess that gun ownership, where it is being forced in, will cause the blacks to do exactly what they have been doing in D.C., Detroit, and other cities. Eventually, gun ownership will make gang activity too dangerous for even stupid thugs. It will decentralize populations to a greater degree than any federal desegregation ruling or law. It really could lead to an integration, something Democrats and possibly Republicans do not want. A gun in the hand of law abiding citizens makes numbers of people less useful. Especially when many of those will not be allowed to have guns and that will be enforced in smaller populations of any specific group.
As well, I am seeing a few very light stories (one so far, actually), without much in the way of specifics, regarding laws being enacted around the nation restricting abortion. Through that one article, I read that one of those laws is on my own governor's desk. I did not read that in the local "news", I read it in some obscure piece from some obscure source. I would not even have known the bill existed except through an arbitrary reading of a link on a post I often do not follow. It could be that these bills are moving forward in such a manner so as to be stealth. Or it is more bad news, according to "liberals", that they just do not have the "heart" to present to an already downtrodden "left". Perhaps they are on board, realizing that an end to a continued illegal voting bloc is written on the wall, and they know the only way to have more "liberals" is by making sure minorities cannot get rid of their "unwanted" offspring. If the last is true, I laugh. The "left" is so bad about unintended consequences. What will happen if minorities cannot access abortion is that they will begin to act civilized, create rules of engagement, and enforce marriages. Especially with what is happening with public housing, social programs, and civil unrest about socialist programs.
Of course, even the "conservative" news outlets really do not go there. Why? I guess they have fallen into the pop-culture thing. Madonna is more important than abortion or gun rights issues. An idiot "president" who obviously does not know what he is doing as commander in chief somehow deserves article after article while stories of real interest are not only not carried from other sources, but not explored by their own crews. The same seems to go for many bloggers. At least there are two that offer up their perspective and links to what otherwise might be buried articles regarding finances and a few other topics. Some bloggers, more like say me, do not really get into stories, preferring more a discussion of life or thoughts, some preferring art or such. But for those who are into news, I think most of them have sold out to the pop-culture. Well, that and many so-called conservatives simply are not conservative. Republican, perhaps, conservative, no way.
.
I just thought it should be known, cats are just as passive-aggressive as women. Sam kept pestering me to go outside. I got up four or five times to let her out. Usually I go to the front door right near me, which is fine with her. Sometimes she prefers the back door. Today, however, she would go to the close one, then head to the other door. So, I obliged and followed her to let her out the back way. Then, with a look asking what I thought I was doing, she simply sat near the hallway to the back door and then stayed in the house. Having tired of her games, the next time she did this, I gently picked her up, walked her to the back door, and out she went. Gently mind you. Still, since she may really have not wanted to go out, preferring to play with popo a bit more, she got me. Scratching me in the belly, but with just one claw and not too deeply. Yeah, passive-aggressive to be sure. I have been in relations with enough women to know that when I see it.
I just happened to be reading the local news. Well, state news IS local news hereabouts. I always look over accident reports, they stick out. At least viewing the headlines and maybe a few lines down to get a notion of what happened, ages, possible reasons for the accident. You know. Well, it turns out that an older couple (in their late 60's iirc) from town have perished in a one vehicle accident. I am not sure what to do. Being a small community, a death let alone two is significant. And yet I have no roots or other connections here. Does one send a card to the family? Is attendance at the funeral the way to go? Or should I simply offer a prayer for the rest of their souls and that their family find peace in time? It is not that I am uncomfortable with what to do here, I have always been a stranger in strange lands. I have never known the proper things to do. Every place I lived was a little or a lot different from the other places. This place was mostly Lutheran, that Catholic, my last was atheist, and this one happens to be Mormon, and I just do not know. From my understanding, to the best of my knowledge though, bachelors are not expected to... do anything. Which is part of why we are supposed to marry. The wife arranges and contacts and such. I think? So, a prayer is probably the way of it.
The news is rather empty these days. There is Japan, of course. A nuclear situation that "newsmen" will tell you is either eminently catastrophic on a global scale or just a little glitch to be of no concern. I weight the latter, only giving credence to the former with regard to potential global economic collapse which really only needs a little shove to begin... or end... or something like that depending on how you see things. Libya, and a waffling she-man so-called president is also eating up much of the scant news. Between going to war in spite of not being at war or even really going in... Huh? Yeah. As far as who we are helping, it seems to have become extremely clear that our men are in danger to support the muslim brotherhood and al-quaeda. Huh? It is not like people were not warned about Hussein before they elected him. How is egalitarianism for the sake of same working out? Ah, but you feel better, right? Whatever. The rest of the news seems to be muted, with minor stories of anarchist unions in Britain doing what they do, Madonna realizing that some places cannot be improved and being sued for attempting it, and such.
Oh, what news would I like to see reported or updated? I would like to know who is running the various muslim revolts. I can speculate, and probably correctly. Of course, getting the real story would be even more dangerous than what the newsmen face currently. Most of them seeming to be doing an Arab version of a running with the bulls, cheering the bulls as they go. How about doing some actual reporting? Who is in the leadership roles within the revolts? Is there more than one sponsor of the activities? If they are happy to investigate here, why not there? Chickens.
Another set of news I would like to know more about is where the various lawsuits regarding the recent Supreme Court ruling regarding firearm ownership is going in Chicago, D.C., and a few other places. How about where the state laws regarding exemptions from federal laws regarding firearms manufacture and sales? I would almost guess that gun ownership, where it is being forced in, will cause the blacks to do exactly what they have been doing in D.C., Detroit, and other cities. Eventually, gun ownership will make gang activity too dangerous for even stupid thugs. It will decentralize populations to a greater degree than any federal desegregation ruling or law. It really could lead to an integration, something Democrats and possibly Republicans do not want. A gun in the hand of law abiding citizens makes numbers of people less useful. Especially when many of those will not be allowed to have guns and that will be enforced in smaller populations of any specific group.
As well, I am seeing a few very light stories (one so far, actually), without much in the way of specifics, regarding laws being enacted around the nation restricting abortion. Through that one article, I read that one of those laws is on my own governor's desk. I did not read that in the local "news", I read it in some obscure piece from some obscure source. I would not even have known the bill existed except through an arbitrary reading of a link on a post I often do not follow. It could be that these bills are moving forward in such a manner so as to be stealth. Or it is more bad news, according to "liberals", that they just do not have the "heart" to present to an already downtrodden "left". Perhaps they are on board, realizing that an end to a continued illegal voting bloc is written on the wall, and they know the only way to have more "liberals" is by making sure minorities cannot get rid of their "unwanted" offspring. If the last is true, I laugh. The "left" is so bad about unintended consequences. What will happen if minorities cannot access abortion is that they will begin to act civilized, create rules of engagement, and enforce marriages. Especially with what is happening with public housing, social programs, and civil unrest about socialist programs.
Of course, even the "conservative" news outlets really do not go there. Why? I guess they have fallen into the pop-culture thing. Madonna is more important than abortion or gun rights issues. An idiot "president" who obviously does not know what he is doing as commander in chief somehow deserves article after article while stories of real interest are not only not carried from other sources, but not explored by their own crews. The same seems to go for many bloggers. At least there are two that offer up their perspective and links to what otherwise might be buried articles regarding finances and a few other topics. Some bloggers, more like say me, do not really get into stories, preferring more a discussion of life or thoughts, some preferring art or such. But for those who are into news, I think most of them have sold out to the pop-culture. Well, that and many so-called conservatives simply are not conservative. Republican, perhaps, conservative, no way.
Lightweight.
.
.
Yesterday, I thought a beer sounded good. And I was correct. Well, if one was good, what would two be? Better, definitely. I doubled down to six. Oh, not a usual thing, to be sure. I might as well have had a case, considering how deep into oats I got. Oh, I did not see if my garage really is flammable, hunt the kitties, or dance in the highway. I did, however, post comments. Ah well. If I put a breathalyzer somewhere, it will be on my electronic communication devices. That is all I am saying right there.
Still, I stayed up until somewhere into mid afternoon or early evening before sleeping. And, actually, I slept quite well, rolling too. I still wake up, every single morning, with neck and shoulder pain. I am pretty sure I roll, usually. I turned up the heat a bit in my sleeping quarters to try and ensure that. I am not sure it helped but I know it did not hurt. The pain usually disappears in an hour or three though. In any case, my days and nights are on their way to being sorted out again. It is not that I recommend drinking even that much beer frequently. But I do recommend a couple, my usual, now and again. Some suggest a couple every night but, for me, I know better. I recommend that volume only for those who wish to become alcoholics. Same, and probably more so, with regards to wine.
Being Monday, I am hoping to redo the urine test, get that one bill paid and maybe arranged for automatic payment, and at least find a place to take my vehicle for a tire repair. If I do go in for that, I have to make sure I void before I head out so as not to miss that and then probably do a little shopping while in town. I really need meat and a few other things. Who knows what will happen today. I can only make plans and, really, hope. I would love to get my hair cut as well. That might be pushing things while also trying to do a urine test and all the rest.
Today, or tomorrow. If these are done today, perhaps I can get the hair cut tomorrow on my way in to deliver the ua. Perhaps anything I miss today on that list can be done tomorrow. I have doubts about what they will find in the ua. Then again, I will never know until I do it and return it. I have no hangover. And, oddly, no sense that I even had a sip yesterday. I think the reason beer was beating me up in the recent past is because I was on a zero sugar intake diet. As such, it was probably just the metabolizing of the sugar, not the alcohol, that was giving me a hard time. Now that I am on sugar again, it is just another source and not that large of one comparatively.
Well, on to waking up and getting going. Good day.
.
Yesterday, I thought a beer sounded good. And I was correct. Well, if one was good, what would two be? Better, definitely. I doubled down to six. Oh, not a usual thing, to be sure. I might as well have had a case, considering how deep into oats I got. Oh, I did not see if my garage really is flammable, hunt the kitties, or dance in the highway. I did, however, post comments. Ah well. If I put a breathalyzer somewhere, it will be on my electronic communication devices. That is all I am saying right there.
Still, I stayed up until somewhere into mid afternoon or early evening before sleeping. And, actually, I slept quite well, rolling too. I still wake up, every single morning, with neck and shoulder pain. I am pretty sure I roll, usually. I turned up the heat a bit in my sleeping quarters to try and ensure that. I am not sure it helped but I know it did not hurt. The pain usually disappears in an hour or three though. In any case, my days and nights are on their way to being sorted out again. It is not that I recommend drinking even that much beer frequently. But I do recommend a couple, my usual, now and again. Some suggest a couple every night but, for me, I know better. I recommend that volume only for those who wish to become alcoholics. Same, and probably more so, with regards to wine.
Being Monday, I am hoping to redo the urine test, get that one bill paid and maybe arranged for automatic payment, and at least find a place to take my vehicle for a tire repair. If I do go in for that, I have to make sure I void before I head out so as not to miss that and then probably do a little shopping while in town. I really need meat and a few other things. Who knows what will happen today. I can only make plans and, really, hope. I would love to get my hair cut as well. That might be pushing things while also trying to do a urine test and all the rest.
Today, or tomorrow. If these are done today, perhaps I can get the hair cut tomorrow on my way in to deliver the ua. Perhaps anything I miss today on that list can be done tomorrow. I have doubts about what they will find in the ua. Then again, I will never know until I do it and return it. I have no hangover. And, oddly, no sense that I even had a sip yesterday. I think the reason beer was beating me up in the recent past is because I was on a zero sugar intake diet. As such, it was probably just the metabolizing of the sugar, not the alcohol, that was giving me a hard time. Now that I am on sugar again, it is just another source and not that large of one comparatively.
Well, on to waking up and getting going. Good day.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Food.
.
.
Tired of just barely being able to eat, I decided to spend as much time and effort as I could muster on a simple yet edible meal. I have little in the house, of the better variety. Canned this and that, but I hoped to find something raw to work with. It just so happens that I have a few frozen fillets of one of my more frequently used fish. Fish did not sound good. Like eggs, some things are just not working for me. What else was in there? Ice cream bars. No. Ice. No. Just fish. I have potatoes but that is not really anything other than a part of a meal.
Grumbling, I decide to watch television. Generally, television is a wasteland. Weekend television is a step down from week day television. I was not hopeful. Then I hit upon one of my favorite cooking shows. While it is on PBS, something I generally avoid, I actually like this show. I have, in the past, ordered one of their cooking magazines, just called Cooks Illustrated. Now, understand, at least the owner, main editor, whatever, is a liberal, the magazine is not only excellent, it is as flawless and full, one might say as scientific, as a periodical cooking book can be. Now, food is non-partisan. I am not. It is not often you will see me regale anything done by a liberal. And, I would prefer people to keep their liberalism in their trash, where it belongs. In this one case, in spite of their mistake, I would recommend the magazine. Actually, they have several magazines and an online version, with videos.
Okay, why this magazine over others I have viewed? It takes a recipe we have all heard about, often one that is a classic. Sometimes the traditional means of cooking the recipe requires very long complex cooking, for days in some cases, and has an ingredient list a mile long or using rare or extremely pricey ingredients. Other times commonly available recipes produce less than stellar, or even edible, results. Their job, as they see it, is to cut the cooking time, complexities, and ingredient list to what a home cook can do or find, to make it a sure bet, and to make the recipe not just work but sing.
In my experience, they do this. Further, they explain the actual science behind it. From the chemistry of the ingredients to why one process, ingredient, or temperature works while the others did not. The magazine has a main dish or three, a desert or two, a salad (salad is not just lettuce mind you), and a side dish or more, all meticulously worked through to both taste right and well, be reasonable to make, and even suggest the best ingredients by name for use. All of this laid out in such a way that you can repeat their successes, and even mistakes leading to their successes. As well, they have cooking reader supplied tips that are often excellent, sections on culinary gear, a letter to the editor type section, a part where they identify an obscure piece of cooking gear a reader wants identified, and a few other goodies. While I have and do differ in opinions on minor Culinary practices or goods, that is due to taste. Further, they do not push "organics", high end gear, or anything else... unless they truly find it to be necessary for the absolutely best tasting food or ease in the kitchen by use or function.
Well, while I was watching the show, I started thinking about the fish. The last time I ate it, I tried to cook it using my traditional butter frying method. Due to it being older or lower quality than what I am used to, it simply did not taste good. With the right quality of fish, I can turn out a meal that is absolutely divine seeming. Several of my last girlfriends hated fish, until I made this for them. I am not exactly a fish guy myself, save fresh fish cleaned and cooked nearly on the spot. So, what to do. I knew I wanted to slice and fry some potatoes. I decided to bread the fish. I decided to add flour and corn meal, then cook the coated fish it in butter.
Next time, no corn meal. I think one needs to be careful when buying corn meal. I bought some higher end stuff, though I think it was meant for something else. Still, it was not too bad. However, the flour added a great deal to the fish, and frying it low and long, and even putting it in the oven for a bit, seems to have made a difference. I used every trick I have to coax good flavor from lame fish. I could tell it was not the best fish, but it was actually quite a bit better this time. And this time I was not in the mood for even the slightest yucky taste. So, it was probably a lot better.
All I can say is that I am pleased to have pushed the little bit it took to really try to prepare a tasty meal. I needed it. It may not do much more than make me feel better and put a few extra needed calories in, but sometimes just one good meal can get me going through another bit of time. Being so hungry and yet, not. Getting so picky that nothing will do. Being unable to function well in other areas. It all stacks on. So one good clean filling meal really helps. And, that, actually, I will credit to watching that liberal cooking show. It got the juices flowing in both my stomach and the cooking part of my mind.
Well, in spite of my hopes, it seems like a nap is necessary. I might have eaten just a bit too much. Yeah, yeah, 18:00 plus, I know. But it has been days since anything tasted good so even the moderate meal I just consumed is hitting me like a full Thanksgiving dinner and several extra servings to boot. Later or good night.
.
Tired of just barely being able to eat, I decided to spend as much time and effort as I could muster on a simple yet edible meal. I have little in the house, of the better variety. Canned this and that, but I hoped to find something raw to work with. It just so happens that I have a few frozen fillets of one of my more frequently used fish. Fish did not sound good. Like eggs, some things are just not working for me. What else was in there? Ice cream bars. No. Ice. No. Just fish. I have potatoes but that is not really anything other than a part of a meal.
Grumbling, I decide to watch television. Generally, television is a wasteland. Weekend television is a step down from week day television. I was not hopeful. Then I hit upon one of my favorite cooking shows. While it is on PBS, something I generally avoid, I actually like this show. I have, in the past, ordered one of their cooking magazines, just called Cooks Illustrated. Now, understand, at least the owner, main editor, whatever, is a liberal, the magazine is not only excellent, it is as flawless and full, one might say as scientific, as a periodical cooking book can be. Now, food is non-partisan. I am not. It is not often you will see me regale anything done by a liberal. And, I would prefer people to keep their liberalism in their trash, where it belongs. In this one case, in spite of their mistake, I would recommend the magazine. Actually, they have several magazines and an online version, with videos.
Okay, why this magazine over others I have viewed? It takes a recipe we have all heard about, often one that is a classic. Sometimes the traditional means of cooking the recipe requires very long complex cooking, for days in some cases, and has an ingredient list a mile long or using rare or extremely pricey ingredients. Other times commonly available recipes produce less than stellar, or even edible, results. Their job, as they see it, is to cut the cooking time, complexities, and ingredient list to what a home cook can do or find, to make it a sure bet, and to make the recipe not just work but sing.
In my experience, they do this. Further, they explain the actual science behind it. From the chemistry of the ingredients to why one process, ingredient, or temperature works while the others did not. The magazine has a main dish or three, a desert or two, a salad (salad is not just lettuce mind you), and a side dish or more, all meticulously worked through to both taste right and well, be reasonable to make, and even suggest the best ingredients by name for use. All of this laid out in such a way that you can repeat their successes, and even mistakes leading to their successes. As well, they have cooking reader supplied tips that are often excellent, sections on culinary gear, a letter to the editor type section, a part where they identify an obscure piece of cooking gear a reader wants identified, and a few other goodies. While I have and do differ in opinions on minor Culinary practices or goods, that is due to taste. Further, they do not push "organics", high end gear, or anything else... unless they truly find it to be necessary for the absolutely best tasting food or ease in the kitchen by use or function.
Well, while I was watching the show, I started thinking about the fish. The last time I ate it, I tried to cook it using my traditional butter frying method. Due to it being older or lower quality than what I am used to, it simply did not taste good. With the right quality of fish, I can turn out a meal that is absolutely divine seeming. Several of my last girlfriends hated fish, until I made this for them. I am not exactly a fish guy myself, save fresh fish cleaned and cooked nearly on the spot. So, what to do. I knew I wanted to slice and fry some potatoes. I decided to bread the fish. I decided to add flour and corn meal, then cook the coated fish it in butter.
Next time, no corn meal. I think one needs to be careful when buying corn meal. I bought some higher end stuff, though I think it was meant for something else. Still, it was not too bad. However, the flour added a great deal to the fish, and frying it low and long, and even putting it in the oven for a bit, seems to have made a difference. I used every trick I have to coax good flavor from lame fish. I could tell it was not the best fish, but it was actually quite a bit better this time. And this time I was not in the mood for even the slightest yucky taste. So, it was probably a lot better.
All I can say is that I am pleased to have pushed the little bit it took to really try to prepare a tasty meal. I needed it. It may not do much more than make me feel better and put a few extra needed calories in, but sometimes just one good meal can get me going through another bit of time. Being so hungry and yet, not. Getting so picky that nothing will do. Being unable to function well in other areas. It all stacks on. So one good clean filling meal really helps. And, that, actually, I will credit to watching that liberal cooking show. It got the juices flowing in both my stomach and the cooking part of my mind.
Well, in spite of my hopes, it seems like a nap is necessary. I might have eaten just a bit too much. Yeah, yeah, 18:00 plus, I know. But it has been days since anything tasted good so even the moderate meal I just consumed is hitting me like a full Thanksgiving dinner and several extra servings to boot. Later or good night.
Building my own computer?
.
.
I am certainly looking over components. I have put together several computers in the past. I have the parts list stored at Egghead. And it is a machine every bit as top notch and lasting as I can reasonably ponder, perhaps too much. I am considering an Intel 3.46ghz 6core chip, an Asus P6T7 motherboard, an Asus Ares video card (crossfired 2ghz chips on one card), a Soundblaster sound card, 12gb of 1600mhz RAM, a 1200 watt power source, 2 'cd' players one of which is blue-ray read/write and the other a dvd read/write, a 50gb ssd, 2 150gb x 10k rpm hard drives, and a 2gb back-up hard drive, 3 25" monitors, a (non-liquid) cooler for the cpu, and a very good case. The price tag, so far, is about $4.5k. Okay, probably fantasy. But it gives me something to look at. Something that cannot be an impulse buy.
In looking over components, getting past the "gee whiz", and "oh boy", of easily impressed boys or zealous salesmen is the first trick. Why, everything brand new and top of the line is the most fantastic thing ever, if you go back and look at their previous "reviews". When you get to the nuts and bolts of having apples compared to apples, quite often the improvements are modest or non-existent. Although, you have to really read the results, then compare costs and complexity and stability of the components being tested. The video card, for example, actually comes in a bit behind several other card configurations. The problem? First, the comparison is done without overclocking usually. Second, the other board configurations are dual, so you would have to buy two of them, then configure them, then, hope for stability, and often add cooling systems as they as a system run a bit hotter. So many things must be examined, several sources need to be reviewed, and still, in the end, it comes down to making a decision and hoping it is the correct one.
You can spend huge amounts of money and all but guarantee, in many cases, both good product and good service. You can step that down to extreme hit or miss with companies that might fold on their first call for a return. Some times, with some things, I am willing to compromise or outright gamble. On other things, no so much. Some products are all questionable, as the products are so simple that competition is extremely fierce so that producers are all bottom lining it, and praying. I can only imagine this is not that too dissimilar from buying components to build a custom vehicle.
I see a lot of kids who, somehow (pot sales? drug running? something not right to be sure) with loads of cash buying machines they can and do over clock, water cool, and still manage to burn up in months to a year. It amazes me to see them back in, doing the same thing, over and over. I suppose I would think it nice to have that kind of cash flow, but I would rather have a machine that outperforms chipsets that came out even three and four years after my machine, and able to perform quite well eight to nine years after it was made (other than a hard drive problem, and that hard drive actually being new). I would choose right what I have, less cash, more wisdom or intelligence... Something like that.
Well, on to more looking. I have other topics to research. I am trying to stretch my days back to real days. It is a weekend and I have little else I could otherwise do. I stayed up until 18:00 yesterday. A bit more of a stretch today would be good. What I can, as I am want to say, when I can. Later.
.
I am certainly looking over components. I have put together several computers in the past. I have the parts list stored at Egghead. And it is a machine every bit as top notch and lasting as I can reasonably ponder, perhaps too much. I am considering an Intel 3.46ghz 6core chip, an Asus P6T7 motherboard, an Asus Ares video card (crossfired 2ghz chips on one card), a Soundblaster sound card, 12gb of 1600mhz RAM, a 1200 watt power source, 2 'cd' players one of which is blue-ray read/write and the other a dvd read/write, a 50gb ssd, 2 150gb x 10k rpm hard drives, and a 2gb back-up hard drive, 3 25" monitors, a (non-liquid) cooler for the cpu, and a very good case. The price tag, so far, is about $4.5k. Okay, probably fantasy. But it gives me something to look at. Something that cannot be an impulse buy.
In looking over components, getting past the "gee whiz", and "oh boy", of easily impressed boys or zealous salesmen is the first trick. Why, everything brand new and top of the line is the most fantastic thing ever, if you go back and look at their previous "reviews". When you get to the nuts and bolts of having apples compared to apples, quite often the improvements are modest or non-existent. Although, you have to really read the results, then compare costs and complexity and stability of the components being tested. The video card, for example, actually comes in a bit behind several other card configurations. The problem? First, the comparison is done without overclocking usually. Second, the other board configurations are dual, so you would have to buy two of them, then configure them, then, hope for stability, and often add cooling systems as they as a system run a bit hotter. So many things must be examined, several sources need to be reviewed, and still, in the end, it comes down to making a decision and hoping it is the correct one.
You can spend huge amounts of money and all but guarantee, in many cases, both good product and good service. You can step that down to extreme hit or miss with companies that might fold on their first call for a return. Some times, with some things, I am willing to compromise or outright gamble. On other things, no so much. Some products are all questionable, as the products are so simple that competition is extremely fierce so that producers are all bottom lining it, and praying. I can only imagine this is not that too dissimilar from buying components to build a custom vehicle.
I see a lot of kids who, somehow (pot sales? drug running? something not right to be sure) with loads of cash buying machines they can and do over clock, water cool, and still manage to burn up in months to a year. It amazes me to see them back in, doing the same thing, over and over. I suppose I would think it nice to have that kind of cash flow, but I would rather have a machine that outperforms chipsets that came out even three and four years after my machine, and able to perform quite well eight to nine years after it was made (other than a hard drive problem, and that hard drive actually being new). I would choose right what I have, less cash, more wisdom or intelligence... Something like that.
Well, on to more looking. I have other topics to research. I am trying to stretch my days back to real days. It is a weekend and I have little else I could otherwise do. I stayed up until 18:00 yesterday. A bit more of a stretch today would be good. What I can, as I am want to say, when I can. Later.
No hunger.
.
.
Beside being limited in action, my appetite has died. This is actually a rare thing. Often during even the worst of my affliction, I would happily eat steak or roast or chicken (done correctly), eggs bacon cheese, rice beans and all manner of strange exotic or mundane foods. Milk, a staple, is still consumed, two to three gallons a week give or take. I have been eating, what I can. But food is without taste, the texture is unappealing, and some of it such as fried eggs or even scrambled eggs are nearly nauseating. I hate the rare times this happens as I truly love food.
My game, after switching from unavailable and back several times, has been unavailable again since about Tuesday or Wednesday. So it is not my game chewing up my time. I have been sleeping more for it. And getting the machine fixed is another task on a growing list. And, here I sit in spite of it. Some game addict I turn out to be! I simply cannot get to work, get going, do even a few little things. I am at an impasse. I suppose this will pass. Oh, I really need to get a haircut. It looks fine, give or take. It actually looks better a little longer. But I am no longer interested in how it looks. I am more interested in fitting in and the ease of care a shorter cut offers.
In my free time, I have been researching various items for my home. Prices for solid wood kitchen cabinets, for example, have dropped hugely. My guess, however, is that this is a short term thing, having to do with the overstocks from an artificially created building boom that has just died. I have noticed many products and services are similarly declining. Now would be a very good time to work on getting some of those moneys in and considering updating the kitchen. When stock is gone, I can only guess that prices will skyrocket. As well, good work is difficult enough to come by now, but what happens when the work force that does exist goes on to other work? Not good.
So many things I need to get done and no way to get them done. I have been trying more heat, caffeine, and sugar. It simply is not working. The one good thing about going back to regular soda is now I can drink more water, and am doing so. Still, it was not the boon otherwise that I had hoped. Still, I will chug away and get to what I can when I can.
By the way, one of the V.A. people called Friday, I think, and spoke regarding the MRI. No flaws were found and my organs, arteries, and glands all look good. There is a chance for a false reading, so I need to complete that 24 hour ua. I tossed the one I did earlier this week. I suspect it would simply be too old by the time I got it in. I am hoping, say Monday, to get a new one completed and get that in the day after. I cannot guarantee that, I cannot guarantee anything at this point. On the list it goes, and high on the list.
Not much else going on. Back to research and such. Good day.
.
Beside being limited in action, my appetite has died. This is actually a rare thing. Often during even the worst of my affliction, I would happily eat steak or roast or chicken (done correctly), eggs bacon cheese, rice beans and all manner of strange exotic or mundane foods. Milk, a staple, is still consumed, two to three gallons a week give or take. I have been eating, what I can. But food is without taste, the texture is unappealing, and some of it such as fried eggs or even scrambled eggs are nearly nauseating. I hate the rare times this happens as I truly love food.
My game, after switching from unavailable and back several times, has been unavailable again since about Tuesday or Wednesday. So it is not my game chewing up my time. I have been sleeping more for it. And getting the machine fixed is another task on a growing list. And, here I sit in spite of it. Some game addict I turn out to be! I simply cannot get to work, get going, do even a few little things. I am at an impasse. I suppose this will pass. Oh, I really need to get a haircut. It looks fine, give or take. It actually looks better a little longer. But I am no longer interested in how it looks. I am more interested in fitting in and the ease of care a shorter cut offers.
In my free time, I have been researching various items for my home. Prices for solid wood kitchen cabinets, for example, have dropped hugely. My guess, however, is that this is a short term thing, having to do with the overstocks from an artificially created building boom that has just died. I have noticed many products and services are similarly declining. Now would be a very good time to work on getting some of those moneys in and considering updating the kitchen. When stock is gone, I can only guess that prices will skyrocket. As well, good work is difficult enough to come by now, but what happens when the work force that does exist goes on to other work? Not good.
So many things I need to get done and no way to get them done. I have been trying more heat, caffeine, and sugar. It simply is not working. The one good thing about going back to regular soda is now I can drink more water, and am doing so. Still, it was not the boon otherwise that I had hoped. Still, I will chug away and get to what I can when I can.
By the way, one of the V.A. people called Friday, I think, and spoke regarding the MRI. No flaws were found and my organs, arteries, and glands all look good. There is a chance for a false reading, so I need to complete that 24 hour ua. I tossed the one I did earlier this week. I suspect it would simply be too old by the time I got it in. I am hoping, say Monday, to get a new one completed and get that in the day after. I cannot guarantee that, I cannot guarantee anything at this point. On the list it goes, and high on the list.
Not much else going on. Back to research and such. Good day.
Dreams of women, thoughts on such, and celibacy.
.
.
As difficult as the whole notion of a woman, marriage, celibacy, and holding fast on any one let alone all of those topics can be, I think I have been sticking to my choices rather well. I am no dedicated monk. Well, not the best of them to be sure. And yet I am so far beyond where I was even a year ago, and so much further into self restraint than when I began my effort. Resistance is no longer futile. And yet, as a man who is still interested in finding a mate, I do not think it is possible to become much better. Women are on my mind, and consciously. I have several women who, if I happen to see them again, I am going to consider asking to join me in doing one thing or another. One is... rather young. The other is slightly younger. Legal, of course, and easily. I am just comparing ages here. And so, women are actively being wooed, if so far only through being chosen as possibles without actually having been functionally... approached.
Of course, my plan is to not have sex until marriage. Plans can go astray, though I think my will is good on that now. I know that any woman I consider will, who accepts an opening proposal, will by merits of such, eventually become open to dalliances of various natures. Kissing, minimally. And kissing does lead to touch and touch can lead right to trouble. I was born in the dog house, and for much of my life, preferred the place. This new life I lead will be my first test in controlling that. Then again, it is not like I even put forth an effort or saw a reason for restraint in the past. Still, this is all new. My goal, as I have said, is no sex before marriage.
Dreams tonight, if I do not remember who or what, strained my self control as much as it has been strained in the last week. I am trying to capture that energy and put it into other things. I successfully rebuffed the desire this time. I am uncertain about celibacy. I do not know how difficult it is for others. I have looked for information, though it seems one either finds some academic treatise which has no real human nature application, a completely spiritual treatment of the subject, which again has no real human components, or some other writing which completely misses the point regarding how to do it, what the pitfalls are and how to sidestep them, and how truly difficult any individual finds the practice to honestly be. I do not know if nuns find this any more or less difficult than monks or priests, or really whether women and men have different pitfalls and recourses to those.
I do know that, one of the reasons I am not married probably, is my difficulty getting into that doting love stage. I do not like acting stupid as love seems to demand in so many men and women. I have seen others do it. And, I am sure that the initial infatuation does... diminish my intellectual capacity to some degree. I also know it is not to the degree I see even intelligent well educated people fall. Even married couples, when signaling readiness to copulate, often dip into 'the stupid'. I am not sure if I wish I could or am glad I do not or cannot. But there it is. I have, in the past, been rather firm and direct about need or want. That has worked well enough. I am learning from game, that a little heads up earlier in the day or even several days in advance if not physically present through phone conversations, will make the process smoother. Well, that is the theory. And, should I get to the point where that can be functionally tested, you know I will test it.
I suppose, as I resisted a very strong impulse tonight, I am writing it out of my system. I am not sure if there is any other point to this blog. I am exploring the subject, looking for responses, thoughts from others, feedback. I am, in all truth, quite clueless about the truths of life and the body and sexuality. I have, for most of my life, merely been an actor on the stage of life, taking queues and hints and scripts from whatever sources were available. I have only attempted to become the writer and playwright of my own story in the last decade or so. As such, I am quite naive, I am sure. I am ignorant no doubt. And yet, here I am, writing my story and then living it to the best of my abilities.
.
As difficult as the whole notion of a woman, marriage, celibacy, and holding fast on any one let alone all of those topics can be, I think I have been sticking to my choices rather well. I am no dedicated monk. Well, not the best of them to be sure. And yet I am so far beyond where I was even a year ago, and so much further into self restraint than when I began my effort. Resistance is no longer futile. And yet, as a man who is still interested in finding a mate, I do not think it is possible to become much better. Women are on my mind, and consciously. I have several women who, if I happen to see them again, I am going to consider asking to join me in doing one thing or another. One is... rather young. The other is slightly younger. Legal, of course, and easily. I am just comparing ages here. And so, women are actively being wooed, if so far only through being chosen as possibles without actually having been functionally... approached.
Of course, my plan is to not have sex until marriage. Plans can go astray, though I think my will is good on that now. I know that any woman I consider will, who accepts an opening proposal, will by merits of such, eventually become open to dalliances of various natures. Kissing, minimally. And kissing does lead to touch and touch can lead right to trouble. I was born in the dog house, and for much of my life, preferred the place. This new life I lead will be my first test in controlling that. Then again, it is not like I even put forth an effort or saw a reason for restraint in the past. Still, this is all new. My goal, as I have said, is no sex before marriage.
Dreams tonight, if I do not remember who or what, strained my self control as much as it has been strained in the last week. I am trying to capture that energy and put it into other things. I successfully rebuffed the desire this time. I am uncertain about celibacy. I do not know how difficult it is for others. I have looked for information, though it seems one either finds some academic treatise which has no real human nature application, a completely spiritual treatment of the subject, which again has no real human components, or some other writing which completely misses the point regarding how to do it, what the pitfalls are and how to sidestep them, and how truly difficult any individual finds the practice to honestly be. I do not know if nuns find this any more or less difficult than monks or priests, or really whether women and men have different pitfalls and recourses to those.
I do know that, one of the reasons I am not married probably, is my difficulty getting into that doting love stage. I do not like acting stupid as love seems to demand in so many men and women. I have seen others do it. And, I am sure that the initial infatuation does... diminish my intellectual capacity to some degree. I also know it is not to the degree I see even intelligent well educated people fall. Even married couples, when signaling readiness to copulate, often dip into 'the stupid'. I am not sure if I wish I could or am glad I do not or cannot. But there it is. I have, in the past, been rather firm and direct about need or want. That has worked well enough. I am learning from game, that a little heads up earlier in the day or even several days in advance if not physically present through phone conversations, will make the process smoother. Well, that is the theory. And, should I get to the point where that can be functionally tested, you know I will test it.
I suppose, as I resisted a very strong impulse tonight, I am writing it out of my system. I am not sure if there is any other point to this blog. I am exploring the subject, looking for responses, thoughts from others, feedback. I am, in all truth, quite clueless about the truths of life and the body and sexuality. I have, for most of my life, merely been an actor on the stage of life, taking queues and hints and scripts from whatever sources were available. I have only attempted to become the writer and playwright of my own story in the last decade or so. As such, I am quite naive, I am sure. I am ignorant no doubt. And yet, here I am, writing my story and then living it to the best of my abilities.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Fail.
.
.
With all my plans in hand, if a bit too much on the schedule as usual, I had a bit of breakfast, coffee, and was just cruising until it was time to get going. When that time came, I could not quite get going so I changed my activity and did a little cleaning in the kitchen. Time crept by and it is now too late to do what I had planned. Oh yes, frustrating. I honestly thought I could get some of it done. I may make it to at least one of the stores later. I am completely finished for now. I am nose diving after failing to lift off.
Once again, I see that no plans of mine can necessarily come to fruition. I am stuck. I will keep pushing to get these things done. I will try to corner myself in such a way that through trick or treat, I find a way out to take care of business. I had planned to have lunch or dinner at my favorite restaurant upon the completion of the majority of my proposed deeds. Not even treats seem to get this body to work. Some days I simply lose.
By the way, I have an idea of one of the things they are looking for using the MRI scans. It is called Cushing Syndrome. There are only five symptoms which I note as having, but they are rather significant. If nothing else, it leaves the possibility that my issues truly are purely physical. How many other diseases offer similar complaints? Why were physical ailments never ruled out, let alone considered? Twenty years into disability and I am just now being reviewed, and tentatively at that, for physical issues? Angry, yeah, I suppose. Much more so if it proves that a single non-problematic specific hormone uptake blocker can fix the issue. A world of idiots, that is what I live in, and sheep. How, exactly, was I supposed to protect myself when I can barely stay awake?
Anyway, I will attempt to make the trips I need to take on Monday. I will make at least one trip into town before that though, and hopefully get the tire fixed and maybe do some shopping. It is embarrassing to just sit and to not be able to do a darn thing about it. It is shame inducing. It is frustrating. And there is not a thing I can do about it but write. I leave these bitter things to God. It is all the fruit I have. Not the lack of function, but the suffering it produces. Perhaps that not being fruitful causes shame and suffering is cause for celebration in a world were most would cherish my situation?
Well, on to figuring out what I can do and when. Or maybe back to bed. I am so beyond exhausted at this point I am not even sure what I am writing.
Update: You know it is bad when you are too tired to do anything, including sleep. I really am simply stuck. Someone reboot me, please?
.
With all my plans in hand, if a bit too much on the schedule as usual, I had a bit of breakfast, coffee, and was just cruising until it was time to get going. When that time came, I could not quite get going so I changed my activity and did a little cleaning in the kitchen. Time crept by and it is now too late to do what I had planned. Oh yes, frustrating. I honestly thought I could get some of it done. I may make it to at least one of the stores later. I am completely finished for now. I am nose diving after failing to lift off.
Once again, I see that no plans of mine can necessarily come to fruition. I am stuck. I will keep pushing to get these things done. I will try to corner myself in such a way that through trick or treat, I find a way out to take care of business. I had planned to have lunch or dinner at my favorite restaurant upon the completion of the majority of my proposed deeds. Not even treats seem to get this body to work. Some days I simply lose.
By the way, I have an idea of one of the things they are looking for using the MRI scans. It is called Cushing Syndrome. There are only five symptoms which I note as having, but they are rather significant. If nothing else, it leaves the possibility that my issues truly are purely physical. How many other diseases offer similar complaints? Why were physical ailments never ruled out, let alone considered? Twenty years into disability and I am just now being reviewed, and tentatively at that, for physical issues? Angry, yeah, I suppose. Much more so if it proves that a single non-problematic specific hormone uptake blocker can fix the issue. A world of idiots, that is what I live in, and sheep. How, exactly, was I supposed to protect myself when I can barely stay awake?
Anyway, I will attempt to make the trips I need to take on Monday. I will make at least one trip into town before that though, and hopefully get the tire fixed and maybe do some shopping. It is embarrassing to just sit and to not be able to do a darn thing about it. It is shame inducing. It is frustrating. And there is not a thing I can do about it but write. I leave these bitter things to God. It is all the fruit I have. Not the lack of function, but the suffering it produces. Perhaps that not being fruitful causes shame and suffering is cause for celebration in a world were most would cherish my situation?
Well, on to figuring out what I can do and when. Or maybe back to bed. I am so beyond exhausted at this point I am not even sure what I am writing.
Update: You know it is bad when you are too tired to do anything, including sleep. I really am simply stuck. Someone reboot me, please?
The wave is off.
.
.
My days and nights are still screwy. Still, rather than fighting that, I am simply going to try and get some things done anyway. I think I will be able to get a bill paid today, one that has been on my mind for far too long. I believe I have taken care of, in the short term and in most cases completely, the rest of the bills. I have this one which I will cover and try to automate today, and another that is a bit in arrears but handled temporarily. I could pay the one in arrears off as well, I have the money, but it would take some shuffling that would leave things... thin. Not that I would be broke, merely that until the transfer, and a slow one due to several issues, went through, access to cash for any emergency would be highly problematic. So, take care of the one today and complete the other one around the first of the month.
As well, I have been keeping up on the dishes. I have not gotten to cleaning and neatening, but it is on the list. Maybe today or this weekend will see a bit more work completed. I might be able to do some serious work, or not. My exhaustion is weakening, but in spits and spats. Along with fighting my sleep schedule, things can get very mushy. I do have the intent, a plan, end game goals, and congressional approval. Well, maybe not that last. Still, that is more than the president has even without the approval.
Further, I will get into town today and do a few things. If I can push, and get that bill first thing, I might take the urine sample into Ogden. While there, I can get the blood work completed. Fresh it is not, but it is as good as I can do. I did, reluctantly, have to put it in the fridge. Wrapped as if it was nuclear waste, but cool to be sure. The two bags of ice were not enough. Since I am not on a time schedule, life seems easier.
However, before my trip and after paying that bill, I might try and get that tire fixed. I simply hate having a tire that drops 5 psi per day. In my rush to get to SLC the other day, I did not remember the tire until a quarter into the trip. Not knowing how low it might be, I stopped before I got onto the freeway. I found a free, imagine that, air fill station. Wow! Free was good, but beyond that it filled my tire in moments, unlike the lousy pay to fill air stations. I had started to think my tires were just too big. Nope, cheap pay air stations are where you really do not get what you pay for.
If all works out well, I will stop on my way back, do some shopping for meats, buy dish detergent, and maybe look for maple stock. Just pricing it mind you. But if I think it is reasonable to buy enough hard maple stock, glue, and various clamps to reasonably build a couple of twenty four by thirty six by four inch end cut cutting boards, I will jump on it. If nothing else, having some real costs floating around in my mind will help me better gauge when my finances are better prepared to do so. I suspect I should, eventually, look into carts or tables I could convert into stable platforms for one or two cutting boards as well. This while work languishes on projects I have the materials to do? Yeah, well, look at it this way. If you are having trouble with your bowls, perhaps you simply need to eat more. Something about a chain of events, volume, pressure, and... Something like that.
I have an hour or two to use until I need to shower and get going. I will check and probably fill the tire here, with my kit, before going anywhere this morning. But that will take no more than five or ten minutes. My thing is, what to do with that time. Yeah, I could get to cleaning. Doing so might blow my ability to get going later. It does, I just do not have that kind of energy reserve, being more like how electric cars are turning out to be than anything else. Gauge says it will get me 30km, reality says the driver should hope they filled the gas tank for that part of the system (or that it has one). Bah!
.
My days and nights are still screwy. Still, rather than fighting that, I am simply going to try and get some things done anyway. I think I will be able to get a bill paid today, one that has been on my mind for far too long. I believe I have taken care of, in the short term and in most cases completely, the rest of the bills. I have this one which I will cover and try to automate today, and another that is a bit in arrears but handled temporarily. I could pay the one in arrears off as well, I have the money, but it would take some shuffling that would leave things... thin. Not that I would be broke, merely that until the transfer, and a slow one due to several issues, went through, access to cash for any emergency would be highly problematic. So, take care of the one today and complete the other one around the first of the month.
As well, I have been keeping up on the dishes. I have not gotten to cleaning and neatening, but it is on the list. Maybe today or this weekend will see a bit more work completed. I might be able to do some serious work, or not. My exhaustion is weakening, but in spits and spats. Along with fighting my sleep schedule, things can get very mushy. I do have the intent, a plan, end game goals, and congressional approval. Well, maybe not that last. Still, that is more than the president has even without the approval.
Further, I will get into town today and do a few things. If I can push, and get that bill first thing, I might take the urine sample into Ogden. While there, I can get the blood work completed. Fresh it is not, but it is as good as I can do. I did, reluctantly, have to put it in the fridge. Wrapped as if it was nuclear waste, but cool to be sure. The two bags of ice were not enough. Since I am not on a time schedule, life seems easier.
However, before my trip and after paying that bill, I might try and get that tire fixed. I simply hate having a tire that drops 5 psi per day. In my rush to get to SLC the other day, I did not remember the tire until a quarter into the trip. Not knowing how low it might be, I stopped before I got onto the freeway. I found a free, imagine that, air fill station. Wow! Free was good, but beyond that it filled my tire in moments, unlike the lousy pay to fill air stations. I had started to think my tires were just too big. Nope, cheap pay air stations are where you really do not get what you pay for.
If all works out well, I will stop on my way back, do some shopping for meats, buy dish detergent, and maybe look for maple stock. Just pricing it mind you. But if I think it is reasonable to buy enough hard maple stock, glue, and various clamps to reasonably build a couple of twenty four by thirty six by four inch end cut cutting boards, I will jump on it. If nothing else, having some real costs floating around in my mind will help me better gauge when my finances are better prepared to do so. I suspect I should, eventually, look into carts or tables I could convert into stable platforms for one or two cutting boards as well. This while work languishes on projects I have the materials to do? Yeah, well, look at it this way. If you are having trouble with your bowls, perhaps you simply need to eat more. Something about a chain of events, volume, pressure, and... Something like that.
I have an hour or two to use until I need to shower and get going. I will check and probably fill the tire here, with my kit, before going anywhere this morning. But that will take no more than five or ten minutes. My thing is, what to do with that time. Yeah, I could get to cleaning. Doing so might blow my ability to get going later. It does, I just do not have that kind of energy reserve, being more like how electric cars are turning out to be than anything else. Gauge says it will get me 30km, reality says the driver should hope they filled the gas tank for that part of the system (or that it has one). Bah!
Odd thoughts.
.
.
The last time I went to the V.A., as I was checking out a woman came to a counter to get change. There was a long line. Seeing that her request would only take moments while the rest of us were going to take five minutes or more, I suggested she cut ahead of me. The other guys in line were not going to offer this, it was immediately clear, so I did. There were some grumbles behind me and I really did not care. It ended up, though, that she merely needed a few quarters for a dollar. I had that in pocket and just gave her change without any fuss.
She was a rough looking woman. She had never been beautiful, though perhaps she was or could have been pretty at some time. Between, probably, drugs, alcohol, and bad men, her thirty to forty year age seemed a harsh age. Who knows, she might have really been in her late twenties. I knew bits about her immediately. I have seen her in a thousand faces. I know the world uses and abuses her, and her kind, at a whim. She knew me too. She knew I do not. She probably also noticed I was not a mark, not an easy target. She also knew that I would neither target her nor try to help her, other than being simply compassionate when that was reasonable.
So many people live in such small worlds. The men in line were either so into getting what they wanted and to hell with everyone else, or did notice her and her simple request but saw who she was and considered her below consideration. She usually keeps to herself and continues on her way in darkness hoping light will somehow get in. Whether her addiction to abuse, drugs, alcohol, or some mix of those is all she feels she has, or if she knows nothing else at this point, I do not know. But I do know I see into those worlds, not always willingly. I do have compassion. I also know there is nothing I could do. Entering such a life, other than with honest kindness on a very limited basis, would either end up with my throat slit or becoming one of her abusers.
What is a human to do? I suppose what I did is about all I can do. And perhaps to pray for her. So many women, women who want to make it on their own and take one too many shortcuts, end up right where she is. I honestly do not see much difference between her and thirty five year old never married women, even if they happen to remain secular virgins. Her vices and actions considered less clean by some, she has at least looked for love... and found some forms of it. Still, what to do in a world that is dying, looking at the living symptoms of it? Me, you say? Well, I can still probably find a wife, should I be willing and while knowing I would most likely lose the marriage and my children and home. Further, I have been and am crippled. So the comparison does not work. But I still live in the world and am able to see the horrors of secular humanism. Praying, I suppose, is all that is available to me. But, I will add myself in, as one of the symptoms of sin. I just wish I was the worst of it. I wish those few like me were the majority, as the numbers would be quite small. But I am seeing a tidal wave. The other men in that line were the rest of it, there and then.
.
The last time I went to the V.A., as I was checking out a woman came to a counter to get change. There was a long line. Seeing that her request would only take moments while the rest of us were going to take five minutes or more, I suggested she cut ahead of me. The other guys in line were not going to offer this, it was immediately clear, so I did. There were some grumbles behind me and I really did not care. It ended up, though, that she merely needed a few quarters for a dollar. I had that in pocket and just gave her change without any fuss.
She was a rough looking woman. She had never been beautiful, though perhaps she was or could have been pretty at some time. Between, probably, drugs, alcohol, and bad men, her thirty to forty year age seemed a harsh age. Who knows, she might have really been in her late twenties. I knew bits about her immediately. I have seen her in a thousand faces. I know the world uses and abuses her, and her kind, at a whim. She knew me too. She knew I do not. She probably also noticed I was not a mark, not an easy target. She also knew that I would neither target her nor try to help her, other than being simply compassionate when that was reasonable.
So many people live in such small worlds. The men in line were either so into getting what they wanted and to hell with everyone else, or did notice her and her simple request but saw who she was and considered her below consideration. She usually keeps to herself and continues on her way in darkness hoping light will somehow get in. Whether her addiction to abuse, drugs, alcohol, or some mix of those is all she feels she has, or if she knows nothing else at this point, I do not know. But I do know I see into those worlds, not always willingly. I do have compassion. I also know there is nothing I could do. Entering such a life, other than with honest kindness on a very limited basis, would either end up with my throat slit or becoming one of her abusers.
What is a human to do? I suppose what I did is about all I can do. And perhaps to pray for her. So many women, women who want to make it on their own and take one too many shortcuts, end up right where she is. I honestly do not see much difference between her and thirty five year old never married women, even if they happen to remain secular virgins. Her vices and actions considered less clean by some, she has at least looked for love... and found some forms of it. Still, what to do in a world that is dying, looking at the living symptoms of it? Me, you say? Well, I can still probably find a wife, should I be willing and while knowing I would most likely lose the marriage and my children and home. Further, I have been and am crippled. So the comparison does not work. But I still live in the world and am able to see the horrors of secular humanism. Praying, I suppose, is all that is available to me. But, I will add myself in, as one of the symptoms of sin. I just wish I was the worst of it. I wish those few like me were the majority, as the numbers would be quite small. But I am seeing a tidal wave. The other men in that line were the rest of it, there and then.
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