Not a bad day, not at all.

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Bit by bit, the home is beginning to come into shape and form. Sweeping and then mopping the kitchen has been a huge step. I touched that up when I arrived home. The dishes, a bit of tidying in the living room, and a few other chores will render the place clean and neat... mostly. Come on! I am a guy, and a bachelor at that. I have to have messy areas here and there. Fine, I may eventually get to even these, if I will only smooth some of the rough.

I did call my friend. He was interested in shooting. So, a short drive, a quick stop at his place, a little business while in town, a couple of boxes of .45 ammunition, and into the hills we went. He suggested he would be bringing his .357/.38, and suggested I bring magnum ammunition if I was interested. Of course, I was interested and so meant to do so. Forgetting it, this time, was a non-issue, as I had to drive right by my place on the way to shoot. Bada-bing. The shoot was rather short, as daylight and for him temperature became insufficient. In town it was decided that dinner out would be good. He was going to have his usual, either a roast beef sandwich covered in gravy or simply roast beef with gravy, a bit of Texas toast under the beef being the only slight difference. I was thinking about liver. I was going to ask how it was cooked. I knew it came with gravy and onions, but unless it was cooked in the gravy liver is usually too dry for my tastes. It ended up that their special sounded better to both of us, so fried fish and shrimp if in slightly different takes. He went with lemon pepper, I went with cajun spiced.

I am hoping to get to bed early, and rise early, again. I still have not closed the windows, but as chill as it is getting, I will need to do so as well as turn on the furnace or waking will be quite a chore. I hope to finish the kitchen tomorrow. I have a few business projects which might require a run into town again. As well as I am doing, mostly, it still amazes me how long simple sounding chores take. You do not just sweep and mop. You need to move everything in order to sweep and mop. Then you get to sweep, an easy one. But mopping takes preparing hot sudsy water, getting things wet, treating tougher areas sometimes several times, then clearing the cleaning gunk out of the mop and bucket and mopping off the gunk that you used to clean the junk off the floor in the first place. Then, of course, you need to clear and clean the mop again, and the bucket, and set those things to dry. I was thinking a half hour to hour would see me done. Nope.

I am not sure how much I will get done tomorrow. I may get stuck cleaning and not be able to make it to town. So be it. I would rather have my home clean, especially now that I seem to be on some kind of a wave. Ride the wave as long as you can. More so if they are exceedingly rare. I think I will review my climbing gear tonight, then do more reading on the subject. Then it will be bedtime.

Good night, Jehoshaphat. May all walk your walk.

Nice.

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Not that I have done many things, or even any one thing completely, but I have been tinkering toward completion on a number of things. And, I have been doing it at a time I have not even been able to be awake for a week. Realizing the time, it felt like waking up to having more done than I thought would even be done. A few more simple chores are on the list, but being a good day, I will then call my friend and see if shooting might be in the cards for today. I want to investigate a few things in town as well.

If the profits of Atlas Shrugged, whatever the movie name actually is, were going to other than Hollywood, I would consider seeing that this evening. As is, I simply refuse the refuse. Between guilds and the liberal elite and establishment in general in Hollywood, and elsewhere ($35k a plate Obama fundraiser in Hollywood, for example) feeding off the revenues, I know the profits will be used to make more leftist stinkbomb propaganda movies. If I do something, I will buy the book.

Even that is not so interesting. Ayn Rand could, at best, be called an ally of convenience. I would fit her in with the rest of the pop-culture default liberal fiscal conservatives. As I see things, no matter how principled one is regarding budgets at the outset, if one leads an otherwise unprincipled life one will eventually have to make a choice. The choice for most is to go completely unprincipled, as we see with many politicians, judges, and icons. Addictions, once allowed and then normalized, infect all other aspects of who we are. Without all-encompassing ground rules, there eventually will be no rules. So, that is out.

Airing my home is always good. It clears so much, invigorates, and refreshes, as my mother's would have said more than I. To me, it just seems better. The finer points are for smellier noses, or some such sentiment. Sweeping and mopping are the tasks I wish to do before heading out. Though I sort of like the stench of cleaning chemicals, that scent is better after having been mixed with fresh air. Which makes a perfect pairing of work with an outdoor misadventure of some sort, such as the one I propose.

It is so good to be almost done with my day's work before I had even been waking! I just cannot express that strongly enough. Why today and not yesterday, the day before that, or any particular day? The sun? The temperature? Or just because some enzyme which is always supposed to affect some cells which fire a message that it is time to get going, or even to allow neurons to simply fire in enough quantity to allow consciousness? Fie. I will never know but I will never give up. And, today, I win!

Later.

A few thoughts.

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No, my thoughts are not always happy thoughts. They may sound harsh, or unhappy, or this, or that. The truth is, they are generally not emotional at all. Frustration can ring through, of course. Though I often use that as an attempt to give myself a leg up. Anger can show. Much like when one curses when hurt, reflexively, others should merely note that curses mean something and perhaps look at what is wrong rather than the curses. The harsh words themselves should only be used as a placeholder for the magnitude of pain or anger. Now, to my thoughts.

I have it on esteemed authority that the middle ages of man, at least, are unhappy years. I beg to differ. What I suspect is simply that at about my age, a man is finally old enough to know better, educated in the world enough to know about what he speaks, and informed well enough on current topics to have a relevant opinion. Most of us are not optimists. Further, we know that when we are promised sunshine and beautiful women for eternity, barring muslims but that is cult related, we are being "shined". We want neither to be pacified, mollified, nor coddled, and we certainly do not want our hands held while we figure out what we already know... there are problems. We do look for solutions, we do attempt to alter our personal and collective world for the better, and we speak our minds. Further, we have little time for, or interest in, sugar coating, being sensitive to idiocy, or foolishness. Thus we are called grumpy. Okay, next.

I like reading Michelle M's blog. It is interesting to note how many conservative bloggers share and cover for each other on topics and such. Cool. But stop with the pictures of what I suspect is a dead woman. Keep looking for her, until he body is found, but stop aggravating me every day with pictures of a tragedy. It sucks the nerve right out of me every time I see her picture, most particularly with my certainty that she is dead and died a hard death. Cease and desist. Insensitive on my part? Perhaps. But having to deal with this truth all the time and everywhere, for me, is just as insensitive. Keep looking, use the legal system for what it is worth, use private agencies where available, and post this once in a while. But every day? Preach to the choir, do not accuse it or abuse it.

I was able to wake today, and earlier. I was not able to sleep until after midnight. Sleep was difficult to achieve as well. I actually woke before the 8:00 alarm, and several times, though without much function. I did note something odd though. When I attempt to go to sleep, I need two or more pillows to rest upon. Yet this morning, I realized that my pain seemed to be exaggerated by having two pillows under my head. I had to cut it to one pillow. How odd, both the variability and that I had not noticed this before. Whatever, 1500 mg of aspirin seems to have put things to right, and that last hour or two before the alarm with a single pillow was bliss. Nothing like taking the pebbles out of your shoe, even if only for the last few miles of the hike.

Time still flies with activity levels on low. Then again, for the last week or so I would not even be awake yet, blogging and newsing would not be half finished, and the tasks of the day would not be under consideration. The sun is out, too, for the first day in... quite some time. Further, due to the sun, I have the windows open and heat off. Fresh air can only help.

Well, if I am grumpy, then so be it. Still, I think my way of looking at things is not superior, it is actually simply correct. I simply know how to take the notion from thought and express it in written form while most "grumpy old men" do not, or at least I cared to do so and many do not bother. And with news rooms and college graduate teams being mostly girls and boys, checked by really old men, I expect little more. So, off to my "grumpy" day in my "grumpy" way. Have a good "grumpy" day yourselves. And for good measure... :p

Oh, well... I am trying.

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I may be late. I often am late. Still, I hope your passover was good for you, your families, your friends, and your faith.



Shalom.

A few things done.

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I am slowly but surely beginning to neaten the place. Dishes, of course, remain to be done. I truly hate doing dishes. Cans and paper are being herded into their rightful places, dishes are going to the proper place to be cleaned, and things are coming together that way. I called my mother to check on her. I had, from the news, believed there had only been a few tornadoes in Iowa and none close to her. It turns out Iowa had between twenty and thirty tornadoes, one ripping up farms as close as two miles from her. So much for general news, which was more interested in the other areas ravaged by tornadoes to even note what really happened in Iowa.

I am planning to cook a roast for dinner. A real meal should be quite pleasant. Home cooked, as I have always said, is the best. Sure, I may not be making sauces, but those are often merely to cover up how little meat there is, how poor quality the meat might be, or how old it might be. I will probably not have vegetables but if so they will be either from a can or the freezer, but vegetables are often merely filler. They might be good for you, but I doubt the recommended servings are necessary and certainly not in restaurants. But the flavor of properly cooked large chunks of meat, medium rare through and through, salted for an hour before cooking to enhance tenderness, and with the correct time and temperature to make the meat both tender and juicy, all combine to produce the finest of meals. Here a woman might be nice. If I could find a woman who knows how to cook vegetables, and then we shared, We would probably be good.

I have a bit of day left. Waking up so late in the afternoon leaves little to do what I want to do. I will finish a few tasks, I believe. Perhaps more in the kitchen, a load of dishes, and a review of my climbing gear. Little else is probable, if something else could be done it would be more reading and perhaps some practice with knots.

The washer languishes. I am nervous about the whole project. Though knowing makes planning easier, bad news means more waiting. I suppose I try to split the difference, but with so many projects and purchases in waiting, the procrastination used to even things out tends toward infinity rather than resolution. The only way to focus on one project and ignore all others requires a stronger disconnect from life than what I can muster. And yet trying to do even three tasks at once is overwhelming.

I think there is a way people find there way to these things. I have to guess, from childhood on, they were given a static set of rules, requirements, and freedoms, which they learned to live within, eventually expand, and then they learned how to negotiate these with both other people and static realities so as to be rather functional individuals, and better self-starters. I missed that boat. Is that genetics, economic prosperity from which they started, intelligence, education (of the real kind), some combination of those things, or even any of a number of things not listed? I do not know. My illness does not help, but it is not the whole of it either. Regardless, I think the only question which bears any pertinence to my life at this time is, can this weakness in me be overcome? Time will tell.

I am going to try to get to bed early and rise early tomorrow. I have some things I really want to explore and do, and daylight is the best time to do so. It seems so odd to be writing to people who have to force themselves up, at times, and at least five days a weak. People who have no understanding of not actually being able to do so. I can only imagine what goes through your mind, reading a (mostly) cogent writer and not being able to see any reason for not doing what you have to do. Even saying I want to do so means nothing, I would guess, at times. As my mother probably said, "Want to my foot, just do it"! Yeah, there is that. Tried and failed.

Later or good night.

How can it be this difficult?

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My final goal, yesterday, was to collect the trash, get it taken to the bin, then move the bin to the street to be picked up this morning. I actually started planning to do this Saturday. Saturday rolled by and there it was Sunday. All day I kept thinking about it but just not getting to it. Often I end up going to bed, somehow unable to do a simple thing. This time, finally, at 4:00, I did it. It was not that complicated, it did not take much energy. Even cleaning the litter boxes was a minor thing. It is almost as if my body, the muscles, nerves, and such, betray my will. Perhaps it is merely an inability to concentrate.

In any case, going to bed at 4:00 makes for rising at a reasonable time difficult. I have not been able to get away with sleeping six or eight hours lately, instead sleeping for more like twelve hours or more. Pain killers are often needed even then. I wake after six to eight hours, I simply cannot... connect consciously enough to wake fully and rise. That is when pain pills can help, but it takes them time to work. Frustrating.

I did a bit more reading yesterday, regarding climbing, knots, and other systems and devices to ease the tasks that lie ahead with regard to tree trimming. I will be looking over my kit today, taking a full inventory, and experimenting with some knots. The Prussic knot is one I remember, though from the past it was an emergency knot. If I remember correctly, I was well geared with micro and other pulleys, ascender/descender devices, and other more technical equipment. There are always knots involved, but those pass from memory faster than unused languages do.

I knew, even then, that knots could offer purchase when gadgets were not available, but that would require a good deal more training and a great deal more time to implement. I would guess we learned as we went, about knots, but that was another time. I also worry about my raw strength and endurance. Then again, if I remember correctly and probably even with knots, endurance and strength are not as much of an issue as would be thought. Balance is a king. And for whatever reason or how, I neither know nor care, my balance is impeccable as I currently understand things. Perhaps I could not walk a tightrope, but I can do things many fitter younger men cannot. I am hoping I am correct and might be able to grow my strength and endurance for such work as I do the work. Of course, there is the brute blind strength I have. A thing I forget about until it accidentally triggers. Endurance, however, is an obstacle. I will know soon enough whether my assessments are correct and whether my hopes will fruit.

The next thing on my list is to try and tinker with the washing machine. I have no idea what I will be doing. After days of looking for any resource on the particular model washer I have, I realize there probably is not a manual, tech guide, or website available to offer even a hint about my exact model. In any case, I will be looking at other washing machines over the course of my attempts. I simply cannot put all of my coin on one horse in this race.

Yes, a brute nerd who is good at neither anymore. Perhaps pushing through, failing or succeeding being irrelevant, I will gain some semblance of what it is to be a man in a real world, again. I suppose I should only say again lightly. I am not even sure if I am a has-been or a never-was. That, too, does not really matter. Not at this point. So, time to dig in. Have a good day.

Found.

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After searching my stuff two or three times that I remember, I finally found both books. One is a climbing book based on tree work. The other is an encyclopedia of knots. Neither is perfect, but for what I have in mind they should be enough. I have been reading the tree work book, bits and pieces of it anyway. I have a pretty good idea of what I will need to do to climb, and safely. I now have a more refined understanding. I will have to practice some knots, buy a ladder and a chain saw now.

After several runs at the washing machine, I may give it another look in the next few days. Perhaps there is a way to pop some of the panels, or something else that does not include taking the whole machine apart. In my work so far, I have not seen a way. And yet, I have to think that even trained repairmen would want a way into the belly of the beasts that exclude extensive electrical and mechanical disconnecting and trying to reconnect it all, tipping the machine upside down, or other crazy things. The only thing I am sure about, from what little I know about repair, is that the goal is to do as absolutely little as possible to check a few likely problems. I have not looked specifically, as I initially believed disconnecting the control panel would be much simpler than what it has proven to be.

I am still reviewing new washing machines and checking sources for used ones. I have seen several, in the $600 range, which might work well. Of course, that probably will not include delivery, installation (and some of them do require installation for a number of reasons including allowing what warranties are available to work, though would not include any electrical work, which may be needed and adds up very quickly, but would include some venting work), tax, charges, other fees... How in the world does anyone make it these days? And, have you seen the warranties on these things? Most of them are about a year, some with longer warranties on specific components such as the motor, and some places offer extended warranties, but... Really? A year of manufacturer provided warranty on $600 to $3000 items?

I need to clean the cat litter boxes, get the rest of the refuse together, get that out to the dumpster, and haul that to the street. I may do a bit more reading regarding knots and safety techniques. But I will save practicing knot tying for tomorrow or later.

I have static military climbing rope, a harness, several types and sizes of carabiners, and some other equipment. I know I could use nylon webbing straps of various lengths, a micro pulley or three, a couple of heavy pulleys, more rope of both static and dynamic formulation and construction, a few more various sized carabiners, and a few lanyards. I used to almost know something. Reading has refreshed the little I knew. Of course I know that knowing a little from the past and then reading a little can actually be far more dangerous than knowing nothing. I do not know if I have the money for those things, so I will also be looking at alternatives through knot tying. This work is either dangerous or expensive and I have no real money for all the things that need to be done. I would guess that paying for the necessary pruning, considering all involved, would cost as much as one of the more expensive washers, at least. And I cannot make a washing machine. No choice. Plus, this equipment will allow me to do other, less vital but still needed, chores along similar lines.

Well, I best get to things and then get to bed. Good night.

Searching.

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Between internet searches for a solid machine within a reasonable price point and physically going through the many boxes stored upstairs, my mind whirls. I already know some things on my purchase list, for example the Stihl or Husqvarna chain saw and the ladder of choice. I already have the roofing material, down to the nails, purchased. And I do have some rope and harness gear. Much of the rest of what I need to do depends on figuring out finances in a way that allows even the rental and construction of a construction grade dumpster.

I take breaks from trying to figure everything out. Sometimes it takes days to get back to solving and looking, as if it mattered to a degree. It will take months, perhaps years, and some calamity to force some issues. Is this merely training in patience? Is it simply the truth of reality, something most people do not attempt to solve?

Sam and Sassy keep me active, involved, and offer lots of attention. Sassy, still being a little one, also provides plenty of trouble. Her curiosity and hunger for something other than cat food lead us to impasses on a regular basis. All of these things are actually quite pleasant. Well, barring scratches in my sleep and vomit in my bedroom, if I have solved these by attempting at all cost to keep the girls out of my sleeping area at all times. Oddly, they seem to like me much more for the separation. And I sleep better not having to worry about rolling on one or both of them.

A little more goofing, then maybe back to digging through the boxes for the books pertaining to arbor work, climbing, and tying climbing knots. Have a good day.

The list.

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The list grows and options become difficult. Branches need to be cut, a washing machine needs to be purchased, laundry awaits, a new roof needs to be installed on the hen house, a window needs to be purchased and installed, branches and materials need to be removed and somehow disposed, plane tickets need to be purchased, and of course the house needs to be cleaned.

Most of those purchases, chores, and combinations are multiple step items. For example, installing the roof requires a removal of materials and a tearing down of the old roof. If the wasps still are not dead after three or four attempts, that too will have to be finished before the teardown can move forward. All of the items, save cleaning my home, I think, will cost money. The roofing material has been purchased, but renting some sort of disposal container is still out there, and at this time an unknown cost. Many of those jobs require skills I simply do not have at this point, so many of them will be sheer will, the use of whatever common sense through ignorance, and brute force.

Beside my natural illness, which holds me back, the volume of needs is a bit overwhelming. Beyond that, I know of other tasks which simply have not made it to the list but are simmering on another waiting list of items, such as filling and resurfacing my driveway.

I am pretty sure I could do a whip job on much of it, making it all look good (enough), and calling it done. I also know what poor work quality and simply covering holes and problems does. Since I plan to live here for some real time, that is not an option. Simply doing nothing is actually better. Why? Because it costs nothing, does not hide the problems, and will not require double the work of removing then refitting the real solution should I ever get to it.

No one said it would be easy, or cheap. But I did not think it would be quite this bad. I have to guess that most home owners come to a similar understanding, or grew up knowing it. It is the difference between homeowners and the have nots. Homeowners realize that the world, even their own personal world, is fraught with doubts, problems, compromises, and dangers. There are always things to be fixed, there are always ways to improve upon what exists, and that perfection cannot really be attained. The have nots simply do not understand what it takes. Many people in history have wondered at the great castles, keeps, and homes. Not the owners, save those who live in a part of their portfolio wherein the maintenance costs are calculated into their capital and all the work is performed by contractors while the owner is at one of his other villas. Few are those.

I, of course, will stay. Wise? Who knows. It is my notion that, to ever gain access to more than a peasants way of life, one has to sacrifice. Since I still hope to become a family man, this home is as much a part of my chosen life as it is about teaching any potential children about the real rigors of owning and leaving them something, small as it is, for their use or sale. If too, in honesty, I plan to give most of what I have to a potential eldest son, which may not technically be "legal" so it will have to be done before I die. It is amazing to realize the state has crushed the will of people, even to whom they may will their goods and wealth.

By all of the legal changes regarding estates and wills, by regulating even simple business models into the ground, through taxation and fines, our government has broken the ability to create lines of wealth and prosperity through insuring that those who will do not have the means except through graft and bribes and other people's money. It is an amazing time we live in. It is an amazingly evil time we live in. Then again, not even are your children your own. We are indeed socialist.

A reconsideration.

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After continued searches for a manual for my washing machine with no success, and a further investigation of what is involved with disassembling the washer, I have to reconsider repairing the thing myself. I must assume it is an older machine, so finding parts is probably as easy as finding a manual. I can either attempt to have the machine repaired or simply buy another machine. Given the date of the machine, at least fifteen and probably older, the value of a repair should it prove successful would just be a stop gap until it eventually fails. As for buying another machine, the choice is between new and used.

Though used sounds good, I have to consider what portion of the population sells a perfectly good washing machine. There are, to be certain, some who replace their washing machine every few years. I think they all live in New York, L.A., and never use their machines, preferring to simply never wear clothes twice. Just... saying. The rest sell a machine because something was giving them problems and they have decided to buy new(er). As for new, there is always the option of looking over the dinged and dented aisle. They may simply not have a machine there, or one that I would be willing to buy. Just because a machine price is slashed because of a ding does not mean it is worth the reduced price. One of the benefits of buying a new machine? Getting rid of the old one. I am NOT going to become a junk collector!

What was wrong with dissassembly? I would have to undo more gadgets, hoses, and wires then I see and a minor computer, rewire the thing using simple schematics, and then possibly reconfigure the settings (somehow). I did find schematics while looking under the control cap. There are no instructions for reconfiguring the settings either. My education and experience will not take me that far. At least it took me far enough to know better than to attempt to proceed. From other reading, it had seemed that the top could be removed with a simple electrical disconnect.

Yes, I must begin looking for a new washing machine. And somewhat quickly. My dirty clothes have been partly completed but I have a bit of a backlog as well. I can always go to a laundromat, but between gas money and the costs of doing my laundry there, even just the washing, a new machine looks much more feasible much quicker than one might think. Ah well. If I fear the cost I do look forward to a washing machine, if researched well, that should hold up for five years (or until warranty fails). Such is the world of modern engineering combined with modern business. Planned obsolescence, the keyword for the world in which we live. Ah, but that is so very green, too, right?

I had visitors today. Mormon missionaries stopped by. They called first, but I thought they suggested dropping by tomorrow afternoon. I had planned to clean the place at least a bit. Nope. Within the hour they arrived. Still, they have seen the worst. Anything from here is going to be better. No, not that bad. Simply not really that good. It was good to have company in any case.

Well, on to reviewing washing machines. I really want a front loading, larger capacity, machine. I am not so worried about fancy wash cycles, solar powered or nuclear power, blue neon lights, or any of what they might potentially be offering in some of these insane contraptions. Just, as I said, a large capacity, front loading, get-it-done machine.

Good night.

Gah!

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I keep reading. In spite of being overloaded, underfunded, and out-of-commission, I keep being reminded that I have more to do. Though I really want rabbits, the difficulties of raising them versus raising chickens makes chickens a first choice. Though I like doing my own thing my own way, logic persists and I do try to follow it. In this case, there is a reason chickens are raised much more often than rabbits. Beside the chicken versus rabbit meat is the notion of eggs. Only Easter Bunnies lay eggs. I would prefer eggs more than once a year! Okay, so whimsy plays a part in my life, sue me.

What would it take to get a chicken operation going for me? Let me list what I currently know or suspect. First, I do have a chicken hutch. It is large enough to handle about a dozen hens and a rooster, assuming I allow them to free range. That assumption is good. However, I do not wish to have them free range in too large of an area. The fenced area of my land, about an acre, is fenced in well enough to maintain a small herd of small horses and a llama and goats before them. That may be too large of an area though. There are many wire gate parts with which I might construct a run, or at least enough to start one. I do have to repair the roof of the hutch, first, however.

Oh, I also need to empty the coop. There are old minor farm and construction items in it. And there are old supplies, useless now, in the area outside and near the coop that I would initially use as a run. All of that stuff, and more, has to be removed. I am not sure whether it would be best to call for a construction type dumpster, reserving it for a week, or whether there is a better alternative. I have not figured out how to officially get rid of branches and leaves yet, actually! So many things to do and think about and yet I am not even sure where to start or who to ask, officially or unofficially. Wow how time flies.

I also have to consider whether the chicken or the egg should come first. Well, hatchling anyway. And before that, what breed would be best suited to the area. Some of this could be tended by reading, some through conversations with the locals who already raise chickens. Once these things are in play, I have to think about feed and care. I have read it often enough, that buying heritage chickens helps with care as these animals are less prone to sickness. There is quite a lot to consider already.

And then, the real issue. Daily care. No, I would not actually have to do something every day, assuming I am willing to build or buy infrastructure and spend more on feed using an automatic food and water system. And yet, I am not sure that is the right way to do things. Beyond that, any time I might choose to leave for even a few days I would need to have someone take over the chores. Almost like the chicken or egg question comes the livestock or social outreach question. Which should come first. Then, how to go about it. I have been a poor neighbor, so far. I simply... How do you explain that you do nothing and earn more than many people around you? How do you explain two decades of dysfunction? How do you get involved without becoming a burden? Yes, questions.

Still, I keep running into chicken stories. I keep seeing advice here and there. I keep thinking about fresh eggs, chicken meat that I know is good (and actually fresh), and being more sure about my longer term survival in worsening conditions. Watching the silly birds live their incredible little lives, make their funny noises, and knowing bugs are being tended would just be icing on that cake. The chicken or the egg, again, though. It all comes down to that first step.

A little bit easier today.

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Yeah, waking early and remembering to take 1800mg of aspirin makes getting out of bed a lot easier. Maybe that much Tylenol, give or take, at night also helps. I do not always feel the pain, I just notice it from time to time. When I omit the junk, getting up and waking up are both retarded regardless if I notice the pain or not. I have tried lesser amounts to poor results. Anyway.

It is raining, and has been for most of the day. The weather reports indicate we will have rain for the next two to four days. So much for working on the bench. Still, with the light back up, I am going to try and figure out the washing machine. No manuals or other information was found regarding this particular washer by model or serial number. However, I am hoping general ideas from other machines will allow me to figure things out. The light in the washroom will make this chore much easier. An inch forward, three back, six forward, two back, so it goes.

Since I am stuck indoors, I may try to get to some cleaning. The kitchen is the first and usual area that needs hit. Sweeping, mopping, and dishes. Getting trash ready to be taken out Sunday would also be a good thing. I make a lousy home maker, by the way. Then again, all but a few weirdo friends I have ever known, of the male persuasion, have ever kept their places clean. Even those only did a marginal job. I do not do a marginal job. Then again, my cave-dwelling fellow types do much worse. On this, among men, I seem average or a bit above that. Then again, women seem to run the gamut too. I think they only keep things tidy, when lived with, due to being lived with, from what I have seen. I have never seen, personally, what happens after marriage but my guess is probably they revert to near caveman status until or unless they are in nesting mode.

Yes, the painkillers do make life a bit easier. I am unsure about why I would need that much that often though. If it was just headaches, I might suspect stroke warnings. Something that may happen due to high blood pressure. But I do not think high blood pressure would have anything to do with a sensation of arthritis along the backbone and into the neck. It started with the lung compression, coughing, and such. All which started about the time I received the flu and some other inoculation. If nothing else, I do not believe I will be accepting more of those.

Well, on with my day. The washer waits, as do the broom, mop, and dishcloth. Have a good day. It is a Saturday, after all.

Needed.

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My friend called tonight. He recently purchased a digital scale for his reloading use. However, the instructions were non-existent. He asked if I could help. He thought I might be over in a day or two. And, that notion did cross my mind. But too, I had wanted to get out today and had failed. So, I took the opportunity and told him I would do some checking on the internet and then be in yet tonight, if he wanted. He seemed quite pleased, so... to work.

A few minutes of internet browsing and I found the specific device. I then looked for instructions but found none in written form. I notice a link to YouTube. There it was. I watched the thing twice, read some blogs, then reviewed the material again. I grabbed that wanted and needed meal on the way to his apartment. In our conversation I had asked if he was hungry but he wanted nothing. Once there, I set up the device, and I think I showed him how to do it. Then I ate. He thought perhaps going shopping sounded fun, so I took him along. I did not remember what particular florescent bulbs I needed, longer and thicker, I guess. But I picked up two which seemed right. I then grabbed a couple of gallons of milk. We looked over some of their furnishings, talked about the televisions, and then he headed out for a smoke and I went to the register.

After dropping him off, I headed home. I drove a bit more carefully, with the long bulbs riding as carefully as I knew how to place them. I was sweating whether they were going to be the right ones all the way home and right up until I could compare. When I compared one of the old bulbs, before opening the new package, they seemed about right. So, tempting fate, I opened them up and... now I have light in the wash room. So simple and yet... not.

By the way, it looks like Wal-Mart is busy burying the elitist bull one of their ex-employees (an extremist liberal) tried to shove down our throats. They are busy rearranging and restocking in a major way. While Wal-Mart has always had some problems, it used to be a better place to pick up this, that, or the other minor item. For the last few years, I had noted I could not always find what they had used to carry. Further, they were offering both products, pricelines, and notions I did not care about. Green is not my color. Try red, white, or blue. I mentioned this to my friend as we were walking through, and one of those filling stock got red in the face and surly about what I was saying. I must assume this, as there was no one else around, my friend was not talking, and the guy had no other reason to be angry. College kids, they will learn but it will not be in college. Punk. I hope he gets heartburn about it.

Well, it is past bedtime. If the weather is good tomorrow I will work on the reloading station. Why does the weather have to be good? Because I have to take sheets of plywood out into the open, upon sawhorses, in order to cut them and sand them. Rain makes several parts of the operation either uncomfortable, impractical, or downright dangerous. We will see.

Why so grumpy today? I knew there was pain, but I decided not to take anything for it. Yeah, pain does induce a grumpy nature. Just like hunger, heat, cold, and some other things. It has felt like my spine from the base of my ribs up through to the base of my skull has arthritis or something for the last month and a half, and every day. And it causes a headache from sever to mild, as well, every single day. Today was more moderate, but there it was and there it stayed. Hmm, Tylenol and then a stab at sleep. Good night.

I do keep trying.

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After a several hour long search to find where the serial number and model number might be located on my washing machine, I walked in to take a look. The good and the bad news. The bad news? Where these numbers were supposed to be there were no numbers. The good news, printed on a metalic looking card, on the side of the base of the machine, both numbers were listed. Further, they were easy to read. Fine. So, back to the internet to see if a repair manual, parts manual, or even user manual could be found. Most of the forums dealing with repair that I have found had only questions, no solutions, so I excluded that type of material from my searching. No manuals were to be found. Actually, I cannot find the machine listed anywhere by either model or serial number. Why does it have to be so difficult?

I am sure, with tinkering and brute strength, I could open up just about anything man has ever made. Getting it back together is another thing. Not destroying pieces or even the main of the device to be disassembled is also another thing. Walking softly is fine advice, but with the price of parts and machines these days, carrying a big stick is only good if you use it judiciously or have the money to support your violence. Since my last post, I have been looking online a good half of that time. Getting bored or frustrated, I would tinker or read blogs or view the "news".

Why is it so difficult today? I suppose, in part, it is because they come out with a new model, or three, every six months. These models do not improve on the last, but they are different. Why, through over the dozens of brands which make appliances for the American electrical grid, there is a need for hundreds of models a year, I cannot say. In a time when both Democrats and Republicans are saying we have to conserve, while both demand we spend while conserving, and thus creating mountains of junk, offering nothing to repair the old, I have to wonder what is really happening. Either they know something we do not and are working toward it, they have no idea what they are doing and are merely pushing buying to create debt which makes everything look good until it burns, or no one anywhere has any clue and are just doing something to make it look like they are not doing nothing... yes, I think that last makes sense and is a credible option. I think I used correct grammar too. As convoluted as what I say may seem, what they are doing is vastly superior... inferior... well... you know what I mean.

If I, with all the time I can muster, with at least half a brain and some reasonable sanity (if too lacking a means to physically be active) can not make heads or tails of the insanity of our public officials and private enterprise, my guess is that there probably is no sense to be made. I think some politicians try to do this or that, but starting to clean a square foot in the middle of a garbage heap is nigh on impossible, especially with more trash coming in by the ton daily. Everyone who has a plan has no clue or is merely trying to take the trash and use it to their advantage. There is no one who can clean up the mess. Perhaps that is merely the human condition and I am merely naive, or faithful.

I can see why many have lost their faith. Faith leads one to believe that there is better than this. There is a belief by those who still believe that, at some time, our flesh will be perfected. And through that perfection, when we once again inhabit a new earth, that the world too will be perfected. For those who can only see the filth, disease, addictions, war, and death, faith seems too cruel because it seems too late. No doubt this troubles me. I live here, unable to live and unable to die, talking to people who profess lies directly to millions of people. The worst of the liars are not the ones who are obvious. Democrats and "liberals" have been lying so long they almost, or mostly, or in an unholy way have faith in what they say. So-called conservatives are what Democrats used to be. They know they are lying, they just do not care. If it gets them through one more election, if it supports the people who supported them into office, if it shuts up the people even for a while, they do it. But they do it knowingly.

What a mess. And here, for all these years, I thought I was the problem or part of it. Though a sponge on society, a pariah through illness, I neither wanted this nor have I every simply given up to it, in spite of losing the battle. I will never be an engineer. I will never be self-sufficient. I cannot always make it to a doctor appointment to manage the illnesses that ravage my capacity. If the doctors seem no better than the politicians. Stuff with medicine, when that fails, find other medicine. If it seems to be helping, discontinue. If patient is still conservative and Christian, fight tooth and nail to paint as a lunatic and become passive aggressive toward. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Bah!

Well, I am going to try and make it into town. A quick shower, a check at some of the plumbing supply stores still open, some grocery shopping, and a meal somewhere good. Frustrations abound, life looks really grim, and the realization that politicians are all, now, essentially Democrats, doctors all might as well be Castro appointed, I am failing and America is falling. Ah well, do what you do with what you have and hope for a quick end but suspect a long hard bad one. Then get to what you can when you can.

Hmm.

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I thought I had the machine going. Two empty loads through and no water on the floor. So, I ran an actual load through and... water on the floor. As it was getting dark, too dark to work, I flicked the light. I flicked the light. Yeah, the florescent bulbs were dead. So, while out looking for screens today, I will grab a couple of bulbs. Actually it would be wise to grab a half dozen.

I am just beginning to move. I went to sleep around midnight, if I did toss and turn quite a bit before being able to settle in and sleep. Again, this morning, I woke many times before finally being able to claw my way to functional consciousness at around 13:00. Waking up has been quite a chore, even since crawling out.

Blogs and my news sources have been reviewed. I am not sure if hell is on the way, the earth is freezing over, or all of the above. Republicans have been completely unmasked, albeit Democrats have not felt the need to wear masks for decades. Libertarians continue with good ideas right before they explain how seriously insane they are. Men and women continue to try and figure out how to have sex, barring that killing each other or the next generation continues on the Democratic schedule. The states and Federal government are showing that spending beyond what can be repaid is not only fun, but encourages other nations to hate us even more. And China, while being held as the future of the world continues to buy worthless debt in more ways then one, selling their goods to nations whose money is just as worthless as their debt markers. Other than that, it is all good. Yeah, that is it for grumbles. I have decided to put it all in one ball and pass it that way. Now for the paperwork... no job is finished until that is done!

Anyway. I need to figure out how to get ready, then go out and buy some stuff. Bulbs, screens, milk, and maybe something to eat. I love having bread around, but I eat it so rarely and it goes bad so fast. I have come to despise peanut butter and jelly, cold cut sandwiches (though I love heart and tongue sandwiches if they are a bit of work), and most other things involving bread. I did buy supplies to make tortillas, but that too is a good deal of work and offers rather little in the way of product. In any case, I need a shower, some grooming, and dressing before I can head out. I will try.

I really thought I would be on a roll. I thought things might be picking up. I had two days of travel and a little bit of problem solving, and then I could not get out of bed. I really thought I would get some things done. It seems, getting out of bed is going to be my highlights for the next few days. Oh well. Maybe I will get somewhere next time the opportunity appears? Such is the way of hope. Later.

A few things.

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I had forgotten about a couple of emails which required responses. When a computer goes down and a loaner is being used, just figuring out how to check email is a bit of a trick sometimes. Remembering to even figure that out is a whole different sort of trick. And, even when I finally did those things, I was doing so many other things and trying to figure out my comatose life in general that it took a while. Still, it is done. It might be considered a little thing by some. It might be considered unimportant by some. It certainly was not on the list I posted. But it was on my mind. Done. The email is an ongoing conversation with a friend. The body of the text can be complex and my responses are complex. All things I sometimes avoid, simply cannot handle, or both. Done, done, and happily. Hey, I do not have enough friends to blow one of them off anyway.

I did get to the the washing machine. A goodly hour or two of research tracking down information on my machine, problem solving forums (if the few I found simply had problems stated, without offering a solution as far as I could see). So, I looked over a number of general problem solving guides and videos. The problem seemed to point to a solenoid. Getting to the solenoid would be through several minor but possibly complicated procedures... knowing which way to turn then pull a spring steel clip, how to use a screw driver to open another type of clip, and some other processes which would require finding very specific steps for my specific washer and definitely if I wanted to reassemble the dratted thing. However, I noted something they checked before tearing the machine down. Simply checking the screens in the water supply lines. I had checked the one in the water supply hose, but had not thought there would be one in the machine inlet too. I was wrong, and it makes sense now. Removing the screens in the machine pretty much destroyed them. I did note that the cold water screen was pretty nasty though, gritty material was everywhere. Removing that, for now, was enough. The cold water seems to come through just as well as the hot water at this time.

Having said that, I will still probably take the screens to a shop not far away and find replacements to install. I hope to get to that tomorrow, as I think it is probably too late today. The water leak I noticed on the floor is something I am checking now. Since this was a recent development I am thinking it might be something to do with the removal of the hoses. Perhaps the seemingly small amount of water is just from that. The other thing I noted was the water return to the drain was loose. I hope I do not have to take the machine apart to add or adjust a clamp, or something else. I put the hose back in as tightly as I could and am running a cold water empty "load" through now.

I just wanted to toot my horn. Such pleasure from such a minor thing. But doing anything seems to be a minor miracle. It is exciting to be doing anything at all, let alone making my life a bit better, and at no cost at the moment. Of course, the project is not yet completed. But barring some catastrophe, I suspect I will have a fully functioning washing machine in an hour or two, and will be able to finish the laundry I was recently forced to leave set (needed cold water for some items, and actually want to use cold water much more frequently to rewash when needed for stains). It is all so damned easy, and yet... not.

I may get to some laundry, and I am about to soak some dishes for washing in a bit. The only other things I am scheduling for this evening are finding engineering paper and a couple of books on rope knot tying, tree climbing, and arbor work I purchased in my lead up to leaving Iowa. The paper is for the beginning of planning for the kitchen and actually my master bathroom. The books are for some small hope that I can figure out how to do the trimming and live. I looked at pieces for a shower and bath while at Home Depot. I love the tile shower, but it is rather small. The thing is, mostly, functional. But with some money and elbow grease, I would love to have a more functional, roomier, fuller bathroom suite. Of course, the master bathroom plans are way off considering even my kitchen plans are some time off and maybe just fantasy as is. Argh! But so be it.

Oh, and before too long I may just take a stroll down to the post office. It has become partly cloudy, and rain could fall at any moment potentially, but neither am I made of sugar nor without rain gear. Later.

Wouch, sleep was good.

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I quit trying to read somewhere around midnight last night. Unlike most nights, I do not remember rolling and thinking and fantasies of flying or winning a million dollars for an hour or two. First there was lights out, then there might have been 15 minutes of trying to get perfectly comfortable. Then it was a little after 6:00. I woke to use the facilities but there was no way I was getting up. I roughly remember thinking about trying. I was still half dreaming I think, because as I looked in the mirror, my face appeared to be stretched, as reflected from one of those side to side stretched mirrors they use in funhouses at carnivals. I wanted to get up though, I would like to do a few things today. Still, back to bed until 8:00. I woke, in a bit of pain and still out of sorts, so I took a few aspirin and went back to bed. I did not wake next until the alarm at 10:00. At 8:00, I only took two rather than five aspirin and I felt it. I took three more and went back to bed in pain and still asleep. I may have reset the alarm once, I cannot remember. I know I woke a few more times and tried to rally. At 13:00, I finally have my boots on the... well, not boots... ground.

Yeah, whatever else, it is not about simple willpower. It is not about want. This is actually better than it was when it started. I could sleep for days or weeks, rising only for water and whatever food I had in close proximity, if they had let me. But being in a hospital, they do not let you. They at least keep waking you up. I always worried what they did to me when I could not bring myself to consciousness. I am sure they learned that my need for sleep was not fake. I doubt if they did anything but joke about it though. They did not look or physical root causes. At least I am in a place where, when I need to, I can sleep as needed. And, I no longer usually sleep for days at a time. Still, the sleep was great. I feel somewhat rested from it, which is different from back then as well.

I have many plans for the next few days. I may really get to very little, doing almost or literally nothing. I also might hit things just right and do a dozen things an hour. Whatever happens, I simply hope I do not get right in the middle of a couple dozen things to find myself collapsing back into my rabbit hole. I suppose everyone has to worry about that. And everyone has to worry about opening a can of worms where the worms end up being far too much to handle. Still, here I sit, pondering a couple dozen cans of worms. None of them look all that appetizing, but I am motivated to get through them for peace of mind and curious about the tasks intellectually. I look forward to the challenges even in a physical way for some of them. I am not sure I can do any of them, save the mundanes of dishes and house cleaning. But I at least want to give the chores a crack. Actually, I think, I will be opening up my washing machine first. I am hoping, without ever having looked inside one, that the cold water problem will be an easy home fix. If the blockage ends up being inside some huge contraption part and without a linear throughput... Still, the darn thing will already be open, saving a repairman some time if I end up needing to call one. Hey, fifteen minutes is fift... well, $100 or more? Yeah, probably.

Yesterday was great. I am hoping to do what I can and get out again. The sun seems to be spraying warmth and light well this afternoon. I might even try to walk to the post office to pick up my mail at some point. Maybe further if I have the gumption. If nothing else, I will trot around my ward with Sam. Raking branches is another thing on my list, and looking the grass over more closely for areas where seed might come in handy. From my walks so far though, it looks like the grass is growing were it can and well, everywhere but under the conifers, which is to be expected.

Have a good day.

So much for getting to anything.

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Sure, not today. I simply could not maintain focus. Two days out of the house and I should have known better than to plan to do... anything. I felt so good though, fresh air here at home, two trips out even if both ended in failure, some tool and equipment browsing, another manual on another aspect of home improvement, a few easy meals, and some stunning views along the way. The sun even smiled for me this day. It is early but I am very tired. I am about to go on to bed. I will take the flooring manual with me though, I would like see if I can yet get an idea about how to plan for fixing the floor in the kitchen. All just a fantasy, perhaps. Time will tell.

I am hoping tomorrow or the next day to try and do a couple of minor things. Dishes and a meal of some sort. Perhaps actually measuring the kitchen areas to begin considering a floor plan, then a little bit of drafting. I know I still have a bit of engineering paper somewhere. Looking for that alone might eat my day if I am not careful, but if I can find it quickly, so much the better. And maybe, if the sun shines for a bit, I would like to finally get to the reloading bench. That is a lot to do. But something feels better. Fresh air? Travel? Spring sharing what it brings? I neither know nor truly care. I merely hope it lasts.

I have been out in the yard several times recently. Looking at the tree trimming situation of course, but a few times just to be out playing with Sam. She was ecstatic to have company, or just ecstatic, take your pick. Hopping, jumping, climbing a tree or two, shadowing me then leading me. In those walks, I see that clearing the weeds last year has lead to rather weed free areas this year. As I suspected, those weeds had been in some of those places for a very long time. It is not quite time to cut the grass, thankfully. But it also looks like the grass is coming back after the summer burn. I am not sure even watering will keep the grass going much past the middle of August, but I will try to do that anyway.

I have also decided to arrange to go in and see the priest at the local Church. It is past time and I will not be getting better. I am hoping to enjoin him to offer reconciliation, to discuss possibly being a visitor of prisoners though I would like to visit those on death row primarily, and I need to figure some other things out with his assistance. Again, it is time, past time, I did this. I do not think the dam is breaking and I am flooding out. It is merely that the ice has frozen and into the dam I go? So be it.

Yeah, something is different. Was there even a gripe in there? Hey, I just report. You decide. Good night. Sleep well.

My bad.

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I made it to the city the clinic is in very early. The appointment was at 15:00 or later. So I stopped at Home Depot and looked at some prices. If I go with a (much) smaller chainsaw and a ladder that would work well and is rated sufficiently for my weight, I could probably get to the tree trimming next month. What worries me about a smaller chainsaw is that, in time, I may need the bigger model. Some of the trees that will probably need to be taken down within a few years are as thick as three to four telephone poles, or more. I am looking, longingly, at the Husqvarna 455 Rancher. I have reviewed chainsaws many times, over several years, and this one keeps popping up as a decent machine. Bigger than I need for typical yard work, due to my size it is not that much of a problem and provides utility to spare should more in volume or size of cutting chores become an issue. The ladder, a Warner multi-ladder, was offered at $150. A 455 Rancher comes in at $400, if I can catch it on sale. I will look at lesser Husqvarna chainsaws, though I have no real knowledge by which to judge what might be enough and what would definitely be too little.

I bought a manual about flooring installment while at Home Depot. I will be looking that over and making some plans, actively deciding on material, checking patterns and prices, and mulling this for a bit. Most likely linoleum will be the material chosen, if my heart is for stone. Linoleum is not plastic, as I had thought. Though if there was some sort of super deal on decent stone tiles, a deal that was nearly equal in price to any other flooring I might pick, I would have to consider that. Of course with stone would come a more severe requirement to level the floor, underflooring, the installation of the stone tiles would be much more complex and time-consuming, and unless glazed would need occasional treatment to help prevent stains (glazed tiles would be slick, so not so good in the kitchen, and yet...).

I looked at the areas I will need to access in order to do my trimming. This is going to be a tricky job. Some of the branches are actually touching the wires at this time. The branch is big at six to eight inches where it joins the trunk and twenty feet long (give or take), and getting full with leaves as I write. There are branches above which can be used to brace the lower branch to be cut. And of course the trunk continues on much higher as well for a second connection point. I have no idea what I am doing but it has to be done.

I made it to the clinic at 14:45. After giving my identification and that being checked, I was told I had missed the appointment. The appointment, I was told, was at 14:00. There was no discussion about being seen anyway, I was simply rescheduled. Driving home, I was sure I had read the thing was at 15:00 or later. I wanted to check, though, before being too upset. No, they were right. What I had done was written two appointments on the same card, one of them was indeed at 15:45, just not this one. I have been rescheduled for later in the month.

The last few days, while out, I have been airing my home. A few windows open, the heat down, and it is fantastic. Yesterday it was too cool to leave things open when I returned home. Today I not only can leave them open, but opened the front door a bit, allowing extra fresh air and a pleasant finish to an interesting day. Even with a thunderstorm moving in, or perhaps because of it, I feel very alive.

I may only live a few more months, or like I keep doing I might live another two or three decades. I know I would like to continue gathering tools, then supplies and books, gain some knowledge experience and minor success, and do a few improvements to my home. While what I do, I now realize, will be much less grand than perhaps first idealized I think I can still materially improve the property to the point of increased value (all else being equal) while supporting wise choices in doing so, such as improved insulation (through improved windows if nothing else), creating reasonable working spaces in the kitchen for cooking, canning, minor butchery, and whatever else might be needed, and improved ease of living here. No granite counter-tops probably, no stone tiles most likely, while solid wood cabinets are still debatable. Even if I die and lose everything of flesh, that someone else might have a more convenient home would offer some rest from the otherwise waste of my life. If even this is not to be, so be it. Plan for the worst, hope for the best, and end up somewhere in the middle until the middle is good enough? Yeah, maybe. It seems like that stinks. Maybe it does. But there it is. Today I am good with that.

Later.

Regarding the world.

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These are crazy days we live in. Conservatives, realizing we have been duped by a fake budget cut, are beginning to count heads for the lopping. Even marginal conservatives are beginning to see the scope of the problem. Democrats, socialists, communists, muslims, and unions are screeching about the betrayal(s) by their president, of course. Something about protesting too much and all that goes with the saying comes to mind. Orchestrating a wide front protest to a non-existent spending cut simply is not believable. On the flip side, "conservative" news outlets call the "cuts" a win. I am thinking a win, like in Charlie Sheen. Will the conservative house Republicans be doing shows soon too? Or are they too busy figuring out their tiger blood? One of the funniest things I read was Pelosi saying "But the fact is that elections shouldn't matter as much as they do...". Who does she think she is kidding? They do not matter, not a bit... so far.

Ayn Rand, the Paul's, and some others have some points. They are also just as wrong as some Republicans. If we wish to roll up the carpet, close the gates, turn off trade, and become a completely introverted nation, fine. It would work for a short time. Even here, two things would happen. Much of what we know would end, as raw materials would either come from within this nation or be left out of our lives. What trade might still occur over national tribal boundaries would be expensive, rare, and dependent completely upon foreign stability (a fiction without a dominant force). Further, the military would be stripped, again, in preparation for another drubbing. Are we really so secure that we do not need a military?

I suspect D.C. might be right. A total and systemic economic collapse is probably unlikely. Between big governments, big banks, the courts, the police, and the military, economies will not be allowed to simply die. The rich would have no shelters, governments would collapse, and people would drift out of the civil and into nearly purely tribal living. There is no fast way back from that. I think what we can expect is a continued calculated decline of the industrialized nations first down to Japanese levels, pre-earthquake, and then a continued slide down to Chinese economic levels. I think, actually, that is the goal. The rich will indeed get richer. At least until they are no longer perceived to be needed. Whether Russian or German or American, the rich have always thought they could control the totalitarian they put in office for whatever reasons they gave or give for doing so. They have always been incorrect.

I did read something wonderful today. A director for socialized medicine in Britain died after not receiving a needed surgery in time. After nine months, she finally received the surgery. It was too late. I noted in the comments that some tool suggested that it was nice (or something) that this woman did not use her power to jump to the front of the line. My guess, she would have if she could have. She was simply too small of a fish to move that barrier. As for me, no death pleases me more than a directly deserved one. How many people had that woman killed through the auspices of her position? It is not poetic justice or irony, those are mistaken notions. This is direct justice meted out with the very rod this woman used upon others. *thwack* Some days I just know God loves me, this is better than beer and far better than Americanized women.

As for hope and change? Here is hope that this type of change flourishes. I can hear the whispers of dread moving through "public servants" as I write this. No unions, no sweetheart deals, no trough gouging, and no bull. Service requires sacrifice, and to be honest, I see little of either in the current line up. Overpaid and underworked is what I see. Oh, sure, they rack up 18 hours a week in overtime doing... paperwork. Really? Teacher and social worker (yet to be fully explored) pedophilia, overpaid and benefited, guaranteed job security, no accountability, with the courts generally on their side, it is time for privatization.

Grumpy? Yes, did you read any of that? Further, when looking at kitchens, to find kitchens which cost more than my house and car... in vacation homes. Really? Yeah, that was not even a big part of it, just one more mosquito in the swarm.

I should get ready, look over my outdoor problem, and get going. A shorter drive today. And easier drive beyond that. A partly sunny day to go with the rest. Plus, I am leaving most of my grump here. You should too. At least, until election time arrives. Then share it well and rightly. Assuming there are politicians who can listen and will act. Most likely, to be honest, I will not be voting for president, again. A McRomba just will not do, and that is all I see afield so far. Still, leaving my grump here. I will be seeing my doctor next, so will get a new one. Never you worry.

Up and at it.

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Little pain this morning. Enough that I wanted to take a few aspirin again as if left untreated, sometimes the morning gripes will get worse. Normally I do not take pain pills, preferring to just let it work out as it will or will not and just living with it. But when I have to go and do, it is better to have pain be one less thing to complicate my activities. I woke before the alarm, again, by two hours. This, after two days, means I am sleeping about six hours a night. I suppose even with little sunshine, my body recognizes the season and is adjusting. Just because we are not getting much direct sunshine, the days are getting longer. It is enough for my system to begin warming up for the summer to come.

I do not look forward to this visit. My guess, even though I suspect they read this blog, is that the doctor will try and push pills I cannot take for something he will not actually treat. Beyond the scripts out (whether used or not), money in, scam, I suspect "medical providers" are expected to preach their "gospel" about health and such. They have a bureaucratic duty to perform. That duty is above any medical assistance they might actually be able to provide. Let them bleed out, just make sure they know what "we" want them to do, health-wise, first. They are not legally culpable for our deaths, it is no skin off their noses, no blight on their records. Expect a report.

On a good note, it looks like the sun is out today. How long it will remain out I could not say. The weather reports seem relatively accurate, but what exactly "partly cloudy" means depends on where, when, and if. I am looking forward to a drive, more so since I do not need to drive on the interstate and I get to go through the pass again today. Some things just sneak up on you, I hope I enjoy the view as much today as yesterday.

I am going to look at the trees I need to get into this morning. I will let my mind stew about how to get in the trees, how to cut those branches safely, how to secure the branches needed to be cut and then get those branches down safely. I have not accurately assessed that, the problems looked too big to date. Looking at my account, I realize it is down to either eventual electrical failure or me figuring out how to climb, cut, and extract, as tree trimming is quite expensive. I will still have to purchase a chain saw and probably a ladder. So it will probably not be something I can do tomorrow. A month or two is better than three or four months or more, though, so... Bah!

I must admit that less than a year into home ownership I find myself questioning my sanity in regards to purchasing a home. Perhaps I thought I could do more, afford more, that the needs and wants would pull more from me. Perhaps I thought I would rise to the occasion and just figure it all out or enough to make this ship run. I am not giving up, I will continue. I suppose this happens to all first-time home buyers? I do like not worrying about having a landlord knock on my door, raise the rent, or even possibly sell the property from under me. I do enjoy actually, technically, having legal rights to and on home and land. I like that if I want, gardens, livestock, and pets are not deniable. I like that if I want to change a window, install a new door, or fix something I am not out of my own money without gain or having to wait for a landlord who just as likely would rather not spend a dime. I will give it time. Perhaps it will draw me out. At least once I obtain enough tools to do the work at hand, and some experience. I have too few bees in my bonnet. Perhaps that is for a reason. Perhaps it is a part of the problem. Time will tell more surely.

I have been looking at ways to do some things in the kitchen. When I could afford it is another thing. Simply fixing the floor would be a good start. It is more than dated and needs to be replaced. I have also been looking at a few other projects for the kitchen that I could possibly do. All pipe dreams, for now. A few more tools, a few successes, some money saved over time, and a little gumption. Further, I do believe a little more financial surety makes going out on a limb in the gumption area much more feasible. Having to worry about dry rot or mold mitigation or other unforeseen expenses on too slim a budget acts as saltpeter was thought to work for sexual adventures. Look, drool, dream, and... save nickels where I can. I just have to live long enough to save enough to... *grins* I like tales and am curious to see how even my own story will unfold. I almost wish I knew but am glad I do not. Judging from the past, if I knew what was ahead of me I do not think I would still be here. Depending on when I knew. Thankfully, I am quite past that. Still, I do not want to know what else is coming. I just do not.

Have a good day.

Ahahaha

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The drive was fine, up and back. I am never sure how long it will take to get there, with traffic on I-15 being quite variable. There were many people pulled over by the police today and two or three accidents, each of those last with at least one ambulance. That is not usual. It makes driving a bit too serious. Oh, but the pass I need to drive through! Though I deny seeing beauty in nature, and usually do not, sometimes it sneaks up on me. Going through the pass, both ways, I saw temporary lakes reflecting the mountains and sky. Along with fresh green and yet some snow remaining, the scenes were very pleasing. It was as close to breathtaking as views can be to me. I suppose I should be happy to not be immune to beauty. Whatever else, I enjoyed that and will keep the memory around a while to enjoy when little else is available.

As for the doctor appointment, nothing new. They did go over what they were looking at and for with regards to the MRI and the results as well. Nothing to report. I did ask about Cushing's Syndrome, as I thought it was something that would have been checked by the MRI. No, no it was not. So they are going to add another test. This time I saw an actual doctor and then what I believe to be the senior physician of the clinic. The first doctor described my situation. I concurred. She asked what has worked, etc. Same story, same results, exactly what I expected. I did not and will not start these conversations. However, I will defend my position. My position is not based on feelings, thoughts, concerns, but on actual results. Why do these medicines affect me like this? That is not my problem. My problem is that the effects are real and the solution is something they will not offer. As I told them, I consider myself on palliative care at this point. It is merely about comfort and ease of life until I die. You cannot say someone who has limped his crippled butt half way through engineering school is lazy or disinterested.

I have changed my medical provider at my typical clinic. I will see him tomorrow. I did not do this in the hopes of receiving the correct medication, only so that any real medical issues will be treated as other than psychological or be told that the problem is just due to high blood pressure. My earache, last time, was probably a minor infection. Instead, I was told it was just high blood pressure. Further, it was suggested that I go into a psych ward where they would treat my high blood pressure. And they wonder why they we tell them lies? They ask me to lie. I will not do that again. I will lay it out for the doctor. I am not there to be treated for hbp or diabetes, these are simply the way of life. If he cannot treat other illnesses then I will need to find another caregiver or simply give up on medicine altogether. Of course, at that point, I will most likely lodge a complaint. Not that it will help, the V.A. is a union bureaucracy and covers itself. It is no longer a health care provider, it is an employer and Democratic fund raising mechanism. The clinic I went to today, in spite of me continuing to say I would not take the medicines they offered, tried to get me to let them write scripts for them anyway. More scripts out, more money in. Scam.

I am going to browse your offerings now. Perhaps I will be able to get a bit of cleaning and cook something before too long. Or not. Who knows. Later.

What does it mean?

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Your Aspie score: 106 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 105 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits




I have no idea what most of this psycho-babble is all about. I keep looking though. Now, I take these things very seriously. Just like my horoscope. No, I am not being literal. Or I am but then twisting it. NO! I do not believe in horoscopes. The hints I have to leave. *sigh* Whatever, there it is. If you know what it is supposed to mean, I would be curious to hear. Of course, I do admit to believing, before this, that I dip into the autistic somehow. Then again, that may simply be profound dissociation. Who knows.

Waking was, as usual for the last few months, a rough thing. Not necessarily that waking up is difficult by itself, merely that waking up through powerful neck and shoulder pain along with a powerful headache is a bit of a chore. I woke a little bit before my eight hours of granted sleep was finished, but in pain. Since I have to take a trip this afternoon, I decided to take some aspirin with caffeine and go back to bed. Since it was really time to get up, according to my internal clock, I only rested a bit. The pain lifted rather quickly and I was still out of bed before my alarm alarmed me. I love shutting that thing off before it goes off. I wish I could do that all the time. Though I love the invention of the alarm clock, I despise waking to it. I truly have a convoluted love-hate relationship with the device. I ought to marry one! Too funny! After writing that my mind just had an explosion of things I should not say regarding the intricacies of such a union. Screw time, though thought a little more in a vulgarized vernacular, for example. I love chuckles first thing in the morning... or actually any time. Now I have a mine for chuckles to ward off sour-puss-me that should last the day.

I am so behind on so many chores, business dealings, and such, that I do not know where to begin. I have an appointment today and tomorrow, which means little else will be completed for those two days. I have some small hope that getting out will give rise to more getting out. Then again, with the weather as gloomy as it has been, getting out has only been for grocery shopping. With money concerns, even that has not been all that much fun. Adding in a lack of real hunger and an inability to maintain my kitchen (though at least this time I stopped when I got a single full sink of dishes pretty much), grocery shopping is almost just for milk and soda and often only days after running out of one, the other, and just as often having both be gone for half a week.

Still, getting out might help. Further, the appointment tomorrow regards my lungs. Lungs which have been becoming compressed and seem to be collecting liquid. With a reduced capacity to breath, occasionally wheezing for no reason, burning lungs, and pain when breathing (all only from time to time), life has become slightly more complicated. I am hoping it is a minor upper respiratory infection which allows for a simple anti-biotic or other treatment and then... *bing* better. It would help. It seems to be the little things which can trip the giant. Big things are ignored or crushed. I wish they were all big, or at least accessible. Uhrm, I should probably be careful with my wishes though too? Yeah.

Having the computer back puts me back into the computer room. This room actually stays much warmer for a number of reasons than the rest of my home. This, I think, is helpful at this time. Of course, when it gets too warm, I can cool off a bit just a few steps away. Summers do not offer such refuge, for the most part. Then again, only for a few weeks last summer was refuge as sought a thing. It is odd how such little things, things of which I am often consciously unaware, tend to stack for or against me. Then again I know these things only marginally affect the outcome and would be impossible to regulate due to changes in how I react to them or when I react to them. Messy.

I best get going. To help you on your way I will offer a two part piece of advice. Find something good and solid to dissatisfy you, something to gnaw upon intellectually. Then find something to chuckle or otherwise cluck pleasantly regarding then do so. When one of those bones gets a bit stale to your palate, begin chewing on the other. And may the rest of your day fill your thoughts enough that both do not become too dull at one time. Have a great day.

Oh, on a quick review of my regular blogs, I happened upon another test. Here is my "diagnosis":

Verbally and mentally fluid, you are refreshing and illuminating to those around you. This is occasionally somewhat discounted by the obvious pleasure that you take in exercising your mental acuity. *evil grins* Although generally peaceful you can take a verbally aggressive tact in relations with the world, which can often be misunderstood by those around you. *sigh* Innovative in the extreme, you can often think yourself right out of the correct answer to a given problem. *Doh!* Many times you are referred to as your own worst enemy. You tire very quickly of routine and so make poor clerks or administrative help. *zzz* You also have no respect for authority and little patience for those you regard as inferior, most especially those in charge. Experimentation is your watchword and can lead to experience for it's own sake and shallow decadence. Your thought can sometimes be scattered and disconnected.

Well, there is something to it. Uhrm, those "*" are my additions. There cannot be that many like me, but there must be some. Too bad? Whatever. Still, horoscope stuff. But... interesting. If you like it, or it seems to fit... it's less likely to be accurate... I think?

It is still rough.

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I am thinking that the lack of sun has been a part of my ineptitude of late. Of course, having lungs that seem half full of fluid along with coughing, having no computer to organize my thoughts through blogging and writing out goals, losing contact with the few people with whom I have familiarity, and a few other things do not help. I never thought I would admit this, but I am looking forward to warmer weather. Not so much for the warmth as for a hope to see more sunshine. I am no sunophile, to be sure. I simply realize I need sunshine as much or more than I need a regular diet. Food has not tasted good lately. I have been struggling to work up the energy to cook, and then clean to cook again. Even my favorite foods taste good mostly from memory rather than present consumption. And yet, deep inside, I am as hungry as ever. I want to want food more than have actual hunger, but it is there.

If I suffer from depression to any degree, it would be when the sun does not shine enough for some period of time. How long it takes to bring me down I cannot say. How long the depression lasts once the sun begins to shine I am not certain. Then again, my guess is that quantity and quality depends a great deal upon other factors and so would never be quantifiable by any static metric. Of course, something else I realize is this means my main complaint probably has little or nothing to do with depression. While depression comes and goes, broadens and diminishes, for me it goes away but without giving me anything of my life back. No one could be depressed for this long or have it be this deeply disturbing without simply dying from not eating, I think. No, I am crippled. Depression is something I share, occasionally and rather typically, with the rest of the human races. Never mind the overpaid bureaucrat types who believe their sheepskin wallpaper actually means they understand anything. Mommy or daddy or their own peculiarities lead them to a cushy job with no real measure of success other than money and the prestige conferred by A-list clientele.

I have passed several opportunities to buy a chainsaw, but that is the next thing on my list. I need it more than want it, and sooner is far better and wiser than later. With electricity to my home being threatened, along with various dangers such as fire and atypical electric shock therapy for me and mine, I need to get on that. I looked at the situation and am not sure a ladder would directly help. It might, however, make climbing the trees easier by getting me closer to the branches which would potentially support me, assuming that would work at all and there is some reason to wonder. I will say, the chores ahead of me will be fraught with danger. Just imagine three hundred pounds of man, machine, and gear out on some limb balancing and trying to use a chainsaw thirty feet off the ground. My balance is extremely good, reflexes are great, but stamina is shot and all of the other variables are new to me. How much weight does a particular branch hold? How much will that branch swing when some chunk of it is cut off? How am I going to keep that cut off chunk from doing exactly what I am cutting it to prevent, breaking the electric wire? I have some limited climbing gear, but that too is untested. Should be interesting. I might have to sell tickets. If I survive, the proceeds might come in handy. If not, perhaps the money could help bury me.

My finger has fully healed, by the way. I guess I forgot about it and it is now as flexible as ever. There is still a solid scar lump at the wound entrance. But if you did not know to look for it you would not see it, or even really feel it. How odd. I do heal well, better than I have any right to heal, and faster than I would suspect. I would guess I heal better than most people can heal. I was made to be wounded! I am really not looking forward to tree trimming, with that realization. Ah well, any wounds would make for blog fodder, assuming my hands are still attached... and my head.

Good night.

Have you spoken to anyone recently?

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Being sequestered in my little world, I rarely get out. As such, I rarely converse. However, I keep bumping into conversations which remind me of one reason I do like academics. Though academics are not good at logic and reason, and though they usually know very little about history or politics despite their devotion to what they do not understand in the direction a lack of understanding would indicate, they can pronounce their words well, form complete sentences, and communicate well. To be honest though, that is rather weak. Actually, it is worse. Having all of the training to go forth and learn and then not doing so is far worse than simply not having the skills thus not using them. Still, speaking with academics lends to the notion that there might be intelligent people with whom one might converse. I am a picky bastage, but that is the way it goes. In one of the better recent conversations, I did hear a good horse, in this area, will go for around $1,200 and if feed is only needed in the winter will eat about 4 tons of hay.

I see in the news that the Republicans have garnered what many hail as a victory and others trumpet as a surrender. I have a foot in both camps, at least within the various regions of the conservative libertarian circles. My practical mind understands (believes) that Rep. Boehner probably got every bit that he possibly could barring shutting down the government. And while I actually favor a government shutdown, I have to hold my personal feelings aside and realize that a shutdown would have been a very possible political loss for conservatives. To say it would not be a gamble is to lie. Further, I look at the bits and pieces cut as a sort of gift to even be able to negotiate in the first place. Had Democrats crafted a bill and sent it through when they were in the total majority, not only would we not being seeing cuts, as anemic as they are, we would very likely have seen more spending than what was proposed before cuts were negotiated.

Does that change how I feel? No. I wanted hundreds of billions or trillions cut. I still do. What is worse, I doubt if such cuts are even possible, regardless of what the magic negro is being puppeteered to say at this point. I know I cannot blame a majority of one third of the the parties in power for finances. However, I also do not trust the minority majority. How much are they resisting cutting. Sure, there are the 50 or so we can count on, but the rest? How steeped in government money both politically and personally are most representatives and senators?

Politicians, like professional athletes, mob bosses, even teachers are groomed to fit a post. They do everything they can to carve out their little niche. They are helped by those who agree or believe that any investment will be returned. These people are not there to do you, me, or even their sponsor's will, those are hoops to the goal. The goals, if varied, include wealth, fame, power, and simply making it to the top of their field. Most will not make it through to the presidency, but they are close enough, getting much glory, gold, and power but with a much reduced glare of the limelight, should they choose that. It cannot be in these men that we place our hope. They are tools though, and if they can be guaranteed to not reach real power through grassroots activism, they may come in handy. It would be much like using a hammer that does not really want to hit the nail, of course.

The only real thing to have trust in is citizens. If elections have any reality to them, there is a hope that our votes will and have been counting. The problems with that, however, include suffrage and allowing voting by people who only take from the system, though often that is the same thing. Someone who is not paying in significant taxes, often any taxes, who can vote for politicians who will give to them anyway, endangers the whole system. Given that, the thing gets slim.

I suppose the only thing to hope, politically, is that when the cards crash to the ground, that the republic part of the government will be strong enough to bind and protect what is (including citizens as a part of the republican apparatus and by citizens I mean men) and enough local (national, really) capital to attempt to rebuild some of what we had to a point where we do not simply fall first to barbarism and then to nearly prehistoric sustenance living. Ah well, who knows.

By the way, I was looking at bikes recently. At the first bike shop I saw a few that looked good. I looked them over more closely. Then I about choked on my tongue. The model that caught my eye at that first place was... are you ready?... $4,500. You know, I cannot even imagine buying ANY manual piece of equipment for that price. Then again, I am not even sure I could buy a snowmobile or motorcycle for that price, but those at least are not manually operated. *sigh* Still, my friend said Wal-Mart carried bikes for $100. I thought he was kidding or mistaken so we went and looked. It is true. I looked around a bit and found a bike, dirt bike style so that I (think) I could ride it on gravel, on the side of roads, and maybe a bit off-road, if need be and yet it was large enough for me. I also looked at a more comfortable seat (those ball breakers just aren't quite my style). I also looked at a light system, several reflectors, tool and tube repair kits, mirrors, and a few other doodads. The price, sum total, would have been less than $200. Of course, I would like to see reviews of such a bike (Schwinn), see if there are recommendations regarding upgrades, whether the bike is just a rust bucket about to happen (or already happening just covered for the moment), and whether it can actually handle my weight and the simple dirt roads it might have to take. I have no plans for mountain biking, I will leave that to the young guns. I keep thinking, what in the world could possibly make one bike worth $4,500 and another quite similar bike be worth $160. Someone is way off.

Later.

Back!

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Sort of back. After a bit of research, I figured out which defunct email address I needed to use to sign in. It is sometimes more difficult than one would think. Still, it is done. Now I can both post and comment on other sites.

While the machine has been down and before I received a loaner, life got very difficult. I have been able to stay awake most of days, but even keeping up on little things that I had been tending became impossible. My breathing has remained an issue as well, so much so that I finally made an appointment for that. As well, I have set up that appointment with a different medical provider, if still within the V.A. and at the same clinic. I will not pursue blood pressure treatment, I know how that will go no matter where I go within the V.A. I have two appointments coming up this week. That will be difficult to do, being back to back and in my current condition. I am quite motivated to see these through, though. Headaches and shoulder pain continue to plague me. Aspirin or Tylenol (I do not mix) neither always takes care of the problem at this point. I simply do not know why this started at about the same time my breathing problem and heart palpitations began. The heart has settled and is completely normal at this time though. Enough about medical.

I spoke with my mother about a drive to Iowa. That is not possible. Between looking at the mileage, my vehicle's mpg, and the cost of fuel, I realize it will be a long time before I make it to Iowa again. However, a round trip non-stop flight from Iowa, last I looked, was less than $300. If she wants to visit that looks like the way. So, she has asked that I buy tickets for this summer. I am right on that... tomorrow? Yeah, something like that.

I keep finding problems in and around the house. The water heater in the master bathroom leaks after showers sometimes. It is coming out of a pipe that looks like it was made for that. Still, it means something needs to be done. Just having gotten the internet back, and somehow becoming more on my feet, I will begin exploring troubleshooting. As well, I realized that a branch is growing over the main line from the pole to the house. I called the utility, they said that if I wanted, they would send someone out to watch me do the work. Watch me? No thanks. So, I have to figure that out. There is another power line from the house to one of the outbuildings that is also endangered by a branch. I simply hope a powerful storm does not end up cutting my lines. Further, the washer, the one I thought I had problem solved, is again not working. It is not very much cold water through the line. Further, it is leaking. I am considering dismantling it. Calling in a repairmen, even if it is the final step, will more than likely mean replacing the machine. Parts often cost more than what a machine is worth, when added to the time and service charge before work is done. While getting a machine I prefer does not break my heart, the expense is something to consider.

Money, as always, is tight. I really am not sure how people can own homes. I suppose making another $20k per year, even with higher monthly costs, would smooth things out a bit. But being a single guy, spending actually quite little on food and other things, it is rough. I literally am living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not quite making it. So figuring out how to fit a new washer, a chainsaw, a ladder and other gear for trimming twenty to thirty feet in the air? I remember how I felt when I found out that just enough roofing to cover a twenty by eight foot part of a roof was, what... $400 to $600. I really wonder about people who make what I make, have to dress professionally and drive to work every day, and have even a wife must feel. I am supposed to be median income on top of which I pay no taxes, state or federal, and little property tax. Insane, I say, crazy.

The kids are doing good. Sassy has been out a time or two, if not far and only if I stand right there and hold the door so she can come back in at any moment. Sam remains the passive-aggressive sweetheart she likes to be. I have kicked them out of my bedroom as I have been sleeping later and Sassy has been scratching me for doing so. She really is a brat. When I wake and find her doing this (which I do not always do), she finds that my foot and the wall make for an uncomfortable combination. I have scratches though, which I must assume she has caused while I have been too asleep to wake from. I would allow Sam in, but being that I might sleep long, I think it best to leave her out with food and water.

Well, enough of an update. I will write a few things about this or that too, in a bit. Later.