What a day.

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I really didn't think I had all that much to offer today. Wheezing like a 30-year chain smoker, all else I have been doing in the last days, and finding myself overwhelmed with projects, chores, purchases, and just a grungy feeling any time I have to pass a nickel to someone I suspect would knowingly misrepresent and sell me poison food just to get my nickel. Beside that, most of the day was dreary, again, again, again. Prospects were slim if hopes were high.

I ended up doing a great deal of work. I cleared the little room to put the work bench into the space, if that is not all put up properly yet. I put the bench in the room and sort of put it where I think it will most likely work best. I installed a couple of wall mounted multi-bin storage units. I then tore the boxes of stuff down and sorted what I would need immediately in setting up and making the reloader function. I also took certain items in and stored them on the shelves of the bench and surrounds, such as reloading manuals, my scales, other parts, and a few other items. Then I opened the case cleaner and put that in there. I put the cage basket together, it separates cases from the cleaning medium. I looked over the reloader itself, and tried to figure out how to put it together. Actually, the instructions simply do not exist. It gives a schematic, with parts listed, but the parts come loose in a bag with no labeling. Still, a bit of hunt and peck will hopefully see the thing work in short order. I also, to a degree, cleaned up after myself and put things into some order, the things that remain in the living room. I was hungry then, and though I would love to have had pizza, between time having snuck past me and my dalliance with television while I tried to recoup or think or something, it was too late to call in an order. So I drove into town and grabbed a burger meal.

Having done that, and well fed, I was drifting toward sleep. I remembered that tomorrow is trash day. Nice, I thought a couple of times, but what does that have to do with me at this point? And of course, this would be the time to clean out the litter boxes. But, again, is that really important as I try to snuggle in and prep for sleep? Well, yes, it was important I finally decided. So, trash was collected and taken out to the dumpster. Being sort of full, I did not want to add litter in that bag. Another bag into the waste basket and dysfunctional litter was put in that, along with a few remnant pieces of trash. Not good enough, so I cleaned the litter mats, swept the surrounds, and disposed of that bit. Then I sprayed the boxes with a bit of Febreze. The dumpster made it to the curb. But just one more thing. (Isn't there always one more thing?) There is some meat I ended up not getting to, due to my kitchen acting as a disaster area. I will take that out to the curb, put it in one of the bags, retie it, and then... maybe then... I can get to bed.

Good night.

Usama and lfbc.

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What's the difference?

Now good night.

I do have problems with my house.

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Branches which threaten the power line, and dealing with the trees those branches are attached to is a spooky thing. The washing machine dying is more of an economic strain. Updating the kitchen and one of the bathrooms are more than a bit daunting singularly, but more than doubly so together. The pavement in my driveway needs patching. And I need to repair or replace one garden faucet and put in another. And the things that could go wrong, like the old furnace and water heaters, just add worry to concern. And yet the basics of this house are good, for as little as that may seem (and to the best of my knowledge).

And yet, I look around at the infrastructure of most cities and I realize I am in fine shape, when I compare things. Cities are literally falling apart. Just enough money is spent to bandage infrastructure to limp along a few more years. Bridges, the power and water supplies, roads, and even sidewalks artificially built over all kinds of things, are simply decaying. Beside the lack of any social cohesion, making civil life impossible, I would much rather live here and in what I am living.

I have looked at many of the mansions and the housing of even those who are supposed to be better off. While their houses look impressive, their problems are often grander than their appearance. It seems even serious money does not guarantee quality, not anymore. I am amazed, further, to find that even new constructions for half million dollar and up homes end up with the buyers being stuck with no recourse but to abandon their homes (and credit) or pony up for the repairs if they can or will. Cities, states, inspections, construction companies, and the rest simply walk away once the purchase is made. Even with as many lawyers as they are, for what they are worth, they are busing making real money.

We live at the end of the disposable age. Our wealth was squandered and we chose not to bear enough children to do the work, create the wealth, and think through the problems we are about to face. We are the last product our disposable society has to deal with. It is an amazing time, things will change and it has to be for the worse. We have no means or progeny to maintain, let alone improve, our nation. Who knows, when it is all said and settled, perhaps even the Mexicans won't want the remnants. They will have to rebuild cities away from the graves of ours. They will have to recreate the capital for creating wealth our leaders have forced overseas. And they will have to fight through a barbaric people who will have to be conquered to do so.

I am simply amazed to see what is about to happen and to know that only one of two things can help. Either we will eventually live under martial law with FEMA and the Corps of Engineerings dictating where people can live, and how, until sanity can be restored. And then they will be quite reluctant or even incapable of restoring rights. Or, we will simply fall back to the wilderness we had thought we tamed and become the barbarians we thought we had conquered. Amazing indeed.

I guess you just have to have the correct perspective to put things into their proper place. My problems are small, if our problems are reaching a climax. That isn't the point though. Wherever you find yourself is where you begin. Blind before, perhaps, but blind no more (at least when the world falls from under your feet and possibly quite literally). Then again, for me, each day is already a trial. I am used to living in a necropolis, of sorts. I have seen the worst, done some harsh things... I am used to what most of you can only imagine but will soon come to know as well. I wish I could say it was not so.

Anyway, tomorrow is good weather. I have not yet rescheduled my appointment, but will do so. As well, I plan to buy a stool, get my reloader together and functioning, and go shooting. I have looked over the instructions for the reloader, by the way. It should be rather straight forward as most of it is already constructed. I will enjoy tomorrow as if it was my first good day, or last. And then I will do what I can in the days to follow, knowing that much of this life I lead is about to fail or end. And so it will go for the rest of my days.

Remember to let those you love know you love them and then forget you read this. Good night.

How can you be sure?

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I have gotten everything out of the room and put the workbench in. I have installed a couple of wall mounted utility storage units. I seem to have lost my tall stools, though, so I really can't tell if I have the desk where I want it or where I will want to set up the reloader on the desk. The possibilities regarding space, requirements, and wants with regards to placement are extensive. I would guess there is more than one good answer or even excellent solution. However, without something to sit on and a bit more checking using the parts and a dry setup, I am simply guessing where everything not only could but more should go.

What I need to do next is to find a tall, adjustable, work stool. I am thinking something along the lines of those padded steel stools I remember from wood shop classes. Until I get one, doing more actual work setting things up is unwise. Tomorrow will see me buying one of those. I will do some prep work though yet tonight. I will be reviewing the instructions for putting the main machine together. I have taken the mounting pieces, a separate and "deluxe" component, into the room. The actual reloader is a minor engineering marvel, but one of the good parts of the design was a relatively reasonable means of constructing it and using it. I did purchase a replacement component package, so if I mess up I will not have a long wait for a replacement piece. I am more sure about this part of the process than what I have done to date.

Amazing! I am actually getting to things. I have had to move slowly, more so today, due to losing my breath from carrying even a moderate load and a lot of what I was doing dealt with moving moderate loads. I almost started to wonder if I would ever get to any of this or if it would all pile up and I would die with a bunch of unopened boxes, unused tools, and plans all over the place. I really started to wonder if I could even move. Here I am, barely able to breath, getting it done. Amazing!

On to some reading and perhaps playing with knots. I am so hungry though too. My kitchen has been a mess since before I began working on the bench in it, and now has both the old mess and the new mess. No cooking is possible until I finish installing and getting the reloader working, as doing that requires about everything I have. So, I might have to go through a drive-through or order a pizza for pick-up. I haven't had a pizza in a very long time and that would be enough food for a couple of days. It is Sunday, so I would guess only Dominoes or worse would be open. Ah well. At least a pizza would provide a couple days of meals.

Reflections from the nether.

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(or, What comes to mind while doing my duty without reading material.)

I just realized that I have a problem that runs throughout much of my life and impacts projects, chores, and other tasks. I seek perfection. I am not so sure I would call it perfectionism, though it might be or perhaps is simply a kissing cousin of some sort to it. I think what interested me, initially, about electrical engineering was the idea that electrons and the equipment which uses those are digital. Digital, in theory, is discrete, exact, quantities of matter which act in a rather exact way. Scaling is simple, more digits (give or take). As defined by my understanding in a rough limited manner, but enough for a place to bring a reader in.

After reading history, this reminds me of the same revolution which brought about the metric system. It was the secular French Revolution to be exact. This revolution also brought many other changes, actually undoing much of culture, religious belief, and law. From a complete calender revision to every aspect of life, these perfectionists who lead the revolution attempted to correct everything. The most notable change that lasted is the metric system. The measurement the meter was based upon was a measurement that was incorrect, by the way. I do not know if that has ever been corrected. What I realized from this was that the patients of the Church to the imperfections of life was wiser than some fool, like the revolutionaries or myself, trying to make perfect sense, take perfect measures, or to lead perfect lives. And still it is there, this need for things to be simple (albeit through sometimes extremely complex (improbable) theories and givens and measures and sums).

When I was working on the bench, I had a notion of how it should all fit. The instructions were quite simple. The measurements were straight forward. It should have been simple to take raw goods and produce and exact system, as prescribed. I knew, of course, that using wood already made that a bit off, but of course this was dealt with through the design of the solid components. And I knew that without precise cutting and measuring tools, the thing might end up messy anyway. I did not even note the possibility of mistakes, especially with two people doing various things on the project. In the end, all of those things became a factor, and still the thing went together well enough that no one will know, not upon casual inspection or by function.

It was the notion of perfection, regardless of my conscious considerations, that made getting to the project daunting. Nothing is perfect or even truly standard, not even digital mechanics. Everything that goes into making digital appear perfect makes that seeming perfection more of a dream than a reality for most. Beyond that, the perfection for those who can seemingly know it, when viewed at the correct aspect, disappears and is once again replaced by the reality of imperfection. Such a large thing, imperfection, to overcome in order to achieve.

Why all this fuss about this and that? Ah, because I realize, as I dig through the imperfections to develop something from nothing (or even a desk from components), that wisdom is to be found and that idealism does indeed fail in the face of simple, humble, creative, effort. Even when that effort is carried out with the realization that perfection can't be had, perhaps more so because of the realization. Something I knew, or believed, after reviewing the history of some long past mostly forgotten revolution and yet had failed to be able to implement in my secular life. It is odd how we fight God, even when we know He is right. Even when we believe in His wisdom. Even now, even on this, even in me, the war continues to wage. How... odd.

Then again and too, what I just wrote is the summation of a few moments, less than a minute, less than twenty seconds, only a few seconds actually, of thought. Imagine if I wrote the full version, or even the full version of a full day of such thought. So many revisions and corrections as I think through things, logic dead ends and mazes which must be navigated as I explore an area or corollary or such. Thinking does occupy my time. Less thinking, more doing, I suppose. My limits should expand in the doing?

Well, back to getting ready to do something... in theory.

There is always good and bad.

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The bad, today, is that breathing is very difficult. Breathing for me reminds me of when I have had way too much weight on my chest. If it gets worse I will most likely go to the hospital. I am having to work at breathing at times. The good, for whatever reason, I am sleeping very well and waking without pain. I would actually gladly change back to poor sleep and waking with pain for thoughtless breathing. We don't get such choices.

By the way, have you noticed I have been using contractions? I decided that, since this blog is just about projects and mundane life, using contractions would be fine. I actually have to work at remembering to use them. I use them in speech but I haven't used them in this blog, my only form of writing, in quite some time. I suppose it isn't noticed? I was simply curious if it made any difference to readers or was noticed. As I said when I quit using contractions, I didn't mind contractions but I did see them as a more informal manner of communication. Then again, is there anything formal anymore? Of course, using one formal technique didn't make my writing truly formal. It was merely a nod to formality.

I hope to get the room the reloader is to go in cleared and get the bench in today. Further, I hope to have the parts of the reloader and associated gear I will need to assemble the devices and my supplies arranged to begin installing and using the things. And if I can get a few steps beyond that, I would like to read the instructions for setup, decided where I want the devices placed on the bench or in the area (for the case cleaner), and maybe begin setting it all up. I will swear to nothing. Having awakened only a few hours ago, and nearly gasping for air in order to pass gas, leaves me dubious about any great accomplishments. Sometimes I work best when oppressed by flesh or foe though, so nothing is ever sure or truly out of the question.

The sun is gone and it is either spitting rain or snow from time to time. While it does make for a handsome day, handsome in this case has grown wearisome. Tomorrow should be better and I hope to enjoy the promised sun and warmth. Sam has been so kind lately, and even Sassy has matured to the point where she is more like a friend than (even more of a) child. That is no snark on cats, or even about women, as I too am often enough childish. Snuggling for a bit then going on their way, only to return, in turns, for mutual attention, my cats and I enjoy these days and times regardless of what else is going on. There is, of course, that. And that is no small thing. Love and companionship from animals is much as the love I have known from most humans I have known and loved, neither better nor worse. Only a wife (or a woman I could call my own, from my more secular times), and I suppose children (as I know none I may have fathered and have none otherwise), could offer something more.

Have a good day.

It worked.

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It took both clamps and some help, but the hutch is together. Perfection was not to be had. I had to adjust this, push past that, and get it together as I could. I ended up needing the drill, circular saw, and finished it off with the random orbit sander. I did a lot of measuring and added finishing nails when all was said and done. And, really, it is just fine. It is flat and solid. Given what it is made of, it looks fine. It also took quite a bit longer than it should have and far longer than I had hoped it would.

Tomorrow I hope to get it placed and begin reading the instructions for the reloader. I had something scheduled for Monday. With the weather set to be sunny and warm, I am going to reschedule that and go shooting. I need to get out. What a long winter this has been. We actually received some snow today, just enough to see it and get a little frazzled down here in the valley. And it was a mostly sunny day! After shooting, I will have my friend over to work on whatever is left either installing or setting up my reloader. I do have to consider another purchase as well. A shop stool would make using the reloader a much smoother process. Hmm, maybe not. I do have some high wooden stools, though I can't adjust the height with those. I will definitely check before buying.

I have been playing with rope and practicing knots. I did find the system the guys at the sports store worked out, in one of my books. As well there are several other similar systems. Knowing one a bit better will allow me to try and get that set up as soon as weather allows, and having the book will give me a much better idea of how to tweak or change the system around to see which works best for me. I am tired and breathing is still beating me up, but I just have to take advantage of the good weather when it happens.

Finally getting this together is a small feather in my cap. There is the hope that this will lead me to other work. As I work on tree climbing slowly, I can do some painting and the coop roof. I can probably also find other things to do, including plant. Outdoor planting is not quite yet advisable. We had a hard freeze just yesterday or the night before. Bit by bit, I will get these things settled. I realize now, being a homeowner, probably like being a parent, is a matter of getting things settled so when the inevitable next drama (or group of them) hits, I can be dealing with that in as rested a form as possible.

The highs are much higher, but the lows are grinding, expensive, time consuming, humbling, or some or all of those all at once. The value of that depends on what you want. Sure, I am not paying someone rent, but then again I am responsible for all expenses, only some of what I am paying is going toward the debt (1/3 or less for the first five years or something?), and I can't just move (without pretty severe penalties). Choose your poison. Just because one poison might be smoother, it is just as bad. I'll take home ownership, thank you.

It is bedtime. Good night.

Well...

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I wasn't sure what I was going to do, wanted to do, or such today. But my friend just called and wants to get to it, or go shooting. It almost looks like the weather might be closing in again, so I suggested we work on the bench. If we finish that quickly enough, perhaps we can still go shooting. I figure I can simply use my .22's and use the .357 ammo I bought from my friend (it hurt his hand to shoot and he didn't want to just... dump it or attempt to re-reload it all). Breathing is simply difficult and now regularly difficult. Rather than coming and going, it is simply the way of it for now. Meh, I'll work through it. It does give me something to complain about.

I best hit it. It would be cool to get the bench together and put in place and then go shooting too! Just to get out and about is a pleasure for me. Have a good day. Oh, and... get busy!

Later.

Rough, spat upon, and limping.

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Well, okay, no one spat upon me and I am only limping to gauge it's ability to draw sympathy for the unseen ailments, but it is rough! I tried to wake at 10:00, then reset the alarm to 13:00 after I could finally get to the device at around 10:30. Alarm clocks really are annoying when you are not able to quite wake. I did wake at about 11:45 though, before the second round of annoyance. Limping, if not needing to, groggy for certain, and a bit more out of it then even that would normally imply, at least I started my day with no pain. And the sun is shining! In the world of gray of late, I have certainly come to enjoy that big orb.

I am not sure what I am about today. I see the workbench, leaning or laying about depending on which part, in the kitchen. I cannot quite tell if it is giving me an evil eye for not finishing it or mocking me for having defeated me to date. Maybe it goes back and forth in some kind of mind game. But it is on the menu. When I can pull my head out of dream land.

I wish I had been able to rise early. With the sun being out, by now, I might be out doing some things. I would love to get my rope out and begin working on some of the attachments and notions. I would also like to check the roof of the coop to make sure the wasps up there are gone. While, if I decide to work on the bench I will have no time to work on the rope tying, I should be able to check that roof in a bit as that should be a quick thing, assuming the roof is dry enough to attempt navigating.

I suspect when I begin figuring out my climbing system I might be hours or even days getting the contraption together and then tweaking proportions, tensions, attachments, and all that might entail. It is a "job" I am looking forward to doing. Remember my dream of camping in the trees rather than on the ground? Not so much a tree-hugger as an avoider of fauna, should I ever begin camping more regularly. Plus, just having homegrown climbing skills that will, to a degree, translate to other types of climbing plus having some of the kit has been a goal for as long as I can remember.

Anyway... My mind seems to be waking up. In an hour or so I will be off and running, or not. We will see. Have a good day.

The bench remains untended.

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I have been doing good. I have been doing this, getting that, looking these things over, driving here and there, talking to people about what I need. I simply ran out of steam. No worries. I was surprised my little burst lasted as long as it did. I am hoping to get back in the saddle tomorrow or Sunday. I have a couple of things going on early next week, but I may change one of them. Monday looks to be a clear, mostly sunny, bright, warm day. I want to try and plan an outing of some sort. Perhaps a drive into the mountains. Then again, there is a lot of snow up there still and they will probably get another foot of snow this weekend, they already received half of that. Warm weather might make a drive dangerous.

Oh, hey, I checked the coop. I believe I have killed the wasps! I have to get up on the roof when it is a bit drier and look under some the roofing material. Some areas simply can't be viewed any other way. So putting up the new roofing is looking to be back on the menu. If the weather will ever clear!

While going shooting is fine I am not really in the mood for it. Not in the mood for shooting? It has more to do with worry about expenses. I might be able to simply buy a washer, outright, this coming month. But I may be doing so at the expense of all but food and enough gas to make appointments. I believe I know the brand and model I want. Beside many glowing reviews, a mid-range price tag, and a personal preference, the warranty is outstanding. If I have a choice, however, between more money now to save potentially as much money as I just spent on top of it after as little as a year, I think a fifteen percent premium is worth the worry, hassle, and potential expense. Do you ever wonder if the salesmen have a good idea which machines are more likely to fail and provide those to people who do not choose a warranty? Never gamble with the mob, never think to make money in a bank deal, and trust nothing which is provided at cost without you buying a warranty.

I have been running short of breath often lately. My lungs gurgle at night and there seems nothing I can do that really helps. I can and have been pushing through it these last few days. I have taken the anti-biotics faithfully and tomorrow is my last day. I am not sure how long it is supposed to take though? Perhaps as I get busy with spring things, when the weather allows it (maybe next week), the thing will simply go away. I will give it a week. If the problem persists I will see if the doctor will see me again or at least write a script for something else.

When is the coverage of that stupid wedding going to cease and desist. Though I am only half a fan of RedEye, I wanted to see their take on some of what is going on. Instead I get poor English speaking ninnies going on about a royal pain in my bottom. I really have no respect for even American elites. I must admit, I was sort of hoping for some excitement though. I am surprised it didn't happen. I guess, when Britain decides to keep people safe, it can. Too bad that only works for royals, nobility, and politicians. The peasants can muck around in filth, just trying to make it through without being burgled, robbed, raped, or murdered while their politicians tell them to bob up and down while waiting for the police (is that why they call them bobbies?) and not engage. But why go further and criminalize self defense? Oh well, I hate to piss on their parade, but... not really.

Good night.

Out and about again.

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My friend had plans with another friend this afternoon. He believes tomorrow or Sunday would be better. I had a list of needs so I went to town anyway. I stopped at a sporting goods store first, believing it would close sooner and having started my day a bit late. Then I drove to the hardware store for a number of items. A bit of supper to go is seeing me home and now fed.

At the sporting goods store, I did have to wait a bit for someone to notice me. But when I did get attention, it was great. I explained my situation and needs and wants. Initially he was going to sell me gear aimed directly for the use of the prussic method of climbing. But during the conversation I told him that I had ascenders but that I did not believe my strength, or at least stamina, would allow for their use as I traditionally remember them being used. Either my memory is bad or techniques have changed? Instead of selling gear that was unnecessary, he set me up for using the ascenders. He saved $50 to $100, where he easily could have just let me walk with gear I didn't need. I bought enough to get started. Further, he actually geared up and tested how to make just such a system work, from which I noted the connection methods and noted the primary variable(s). The main thing that will need tweaking is the proportion of the lengths of rise while using the upper and lower ascenders, as I see things and to begin with.

Never mind, just understand that I have a decent idea of how to begin experimenting. Low and slow, to start, in any case. It might take me a bit to get in shape to do more than experiment for some time. When the weather permits, of course. Further, I now have a definite source of equipment for the climbing end, and for information regarding that. Total bill was $69 or so, but just for the information I would say it was worth it. Books and DVDs are good but nothing beats actually seeing the hookups and testing some parameters live, in real 4D (time is included, you know).

Next stop, the hardware store. I found a set of clamps of various sizes. Oddly, a set of 5 pairs of various sized clamps (good brand) was only slightly more expensive than the second largest pair of clamps in the set sold as a pair. I figured I would be working on other things, and at those price points I really could not lose. Further, I was not exactly sure what size clamps to get. I also picked up another set of drill bits, though hardened. I do actually have good drill bits, but they do break and I am missing one already due to breakage. I also grabbed two different sets of philips head bits, hardened for impact use, one set short the other extended.

Everything is so complicated. Ignorance is not bliss, at least in these cases. And yet, I learn, I get the tools I need, I adapt what I have, and I see why those tools are better. I suppose as things go forward, I will even lose some doubt. Oh, yea! Now that I have a ladder, when the weather is going to be dry for a bit, I can get up and paint over the awful purple on the trim of my windows on the second story! Oh yeah, gear me up and let me go, and if I have it I will do it... probably, sooner or later. It all has to be together and there is so much needed while I have been buying bits and pieces for a number of projects. A fractured mind is a terrible thing to use, but it is unique and my own.

Later.

The workbench.

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A quick review of available information regarding the workbench is turning up little. A video showing the workbench with a suggested tool list, advice in comments, and little else. The suggestion that the task is easy using either clamps or having at least two people seemed to be as helpful as what is available. Since I need new philips head bit(s), buying either many more or much stronger ones if I can find them, wanting to look over clamps, and seeing if my friend is interested in helping, will see me back in town today. I might check the last appliance store on my way home too, as well as check the availability of auxiliary line, nylon strapping, and a micro pulley. A full blown serious work load pulley or dual pulley rig and bull rope will have to wait for another (pay)day.

I am changing some things here. I probably won't be discussing much, other than silly projects, the weather, and maybe my cats. I am not going to comment on other blogs regarding anything but "simple" topics related only to what is of practical functional interest. Comments, it seems, are more about twitter type positive or negative feedback. I am not good at that. Since I cannot play like the other kids, I should just go back to my books. The world has all of the prophecy it will be given and will use it or not. The sciences are supposedly thriving and all will soon be known. And I should concern myself only with what tasks and interests I find in my life and then keep it to myself. I can't help myself, advise others, or lead in any real way. And it is becoming a very dangerous world. Are even your friends and family safe to you should you not abide the program?

A quick shower, a phone call, and out I go again. A little man on his little way, and glad for it. Good day.

Time flies.

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I started late. Waking to both pain and sever grogginess, I took pain killers and a couple hours to get going. Late, as usual, I went in picked up my friend, and looked at a couple more washing machines at several stores. I wanted to stop at the last store on my list, but the weather was beginning to look rough so I decided to just get back and try to cut the wood. While the weather continued to threaten, then clear up, throughout the day, I was able to get my cutting done easily and I only saw a spit of rain while taking my friend home. It is coming, it just is not here yet.

While returning my friend, we decided to go through a drivethrough for a sandwich. While eating, we watched the military channel, something I unfortunately never received. It was a show about top tens, this time it was machine guns. That always gives me a warm fuzzy. I knew of all but two, I think. And I knew all of the top five well. I might have argued in some of the placements, as do any who have an interest, for example thinking the 40 mm auto though more fearsome than the 20 millimeter is more of a light armor killer and preferring that one of a number of auto 20 millimeter guns would have been preferable. Then again, I really do not know how much more one is used than the other. I just think a 20 mm would be closer to anti-personnel, easier to use, and I thought more common. But I am a geezer, or working on it. I babble.

While at my friend's apartment, he introduced me to one of the ugliest wheel guns I have ever seen. It is called a Rhino, in .38/.357 magnum. It is an Italian import. And, if the handle fits or a custom could replace the stock handle so that it would fit my hand, I would actually like that pistol. A four (maybe five) inch barrel, ported, and a handle that fits (no lasers on this one, please), and I would be happy as a pig in a pond on a hot day. They do not sweat you know. Actually, neither do cats. That is why they lick themselves, or so I hear, or at least in part. I think it is also to mask their scent. It does not, however, clean them. Licking that is.

On the way home, I was thinking about picking up the ladder I have been considering. I thought it might be too late, that the particular store which might carry it could be closed. Besides, I had driven past the turn off to it, so I almost just drove home. On a whim, I turned around and was pleasantly surprised. Not only was the store open but they did have the ladder in stock. Arriving home, since I had an immediate use for it, I stripped it out of the packaging, tinkered with it for a bit, then set the ladder up to gain access to my roof and a roof access panel that has been swinging open for a week.

I tried to climb right where I set the ladder in the usual way, but... that was just an awning, without support, and as I expected, it would not have supported me. So, I had to move it to the back of the house, use it as an extension ladder. It was nerve-wrackingly close to electric wires to the garage. Well, I... got... up there. I took my time and sweated anyway. Getting up on the roof, I head to the swinging panel only to realize I had climbed the wrong roof. This is fair, at night, it is difficult to see and I was excited about the ladder. Anyway, I finally moved it over to the correct roof, climbed up, closed the panel, and put a padlock on it as well.

All that and I still do not have the desk together! I am hoping I have enough gumption to get that done yet tonight. If not, I will do it tomorrow. Really! No, I mean it, seriously. Well, if I do get it together tonight (or tomorrow), I will be inviting my friend back to help me set up my reloading station. By the way, even the minor seeming cuts I made today required a few extra hands. I was quite thankful to have my friend available. I would guess putting the reloader together and getting it running will also require a little help. I know some (other) people could do this, but my guess is they have used a circular saw before too, and probably have a few other pieces of gear or tools or devices to make solo work easier. I am just a padawan learner. Neither do I have either a jedi or sith lord. Well, not for wood working.

So there! Of course, if I actually get the pieces together, I will do a double "So there!". I cannot believe I am actually doing things, with my hands, with tools, constructive things. I have to say, while extreme pain makes me disassociate, so does this. Only this type is much more unfamiliar. I am told I was a mechanic. But I do not remember that, or pleasure around doing that kind of thing, and actually despised getting my fingers dirty. This... I think I like it.

Well, enough about that. I feel good and think I might make my way to more. I had hoped to stop and buy some auxiliary line (7mm), nylon webbing lengths (1" and 2" widths), and possibly a micro pulley, but the weather sort of forced my hand and I know that particular store was closed when all was said and done. Perhaps tomorrow or Saturday, when I am in next, I will investigate.

Yes, yes, dear ones. Iron man is on the move, in a good way. Gute Nacht, bonne nuit, good night.

Super!

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Tomorrow, for the first time, it is supposed to be dry and it is supposed to reach 70. This weekend we are supposed to get more cold and bad weather, including snow even in the valley here and up to a foot or two in the mountains. I will not consider that for the moment. I am hoping to get out and look over a few more washing machines tomorrow and then construct the bench and hutch. Once that is done, getting the reloader set up will be easy, as weather will not be an issue.

Because the weather will be closing in and the fact that I have another appointment early next week to boot, I will not be able to see my friend for a while. So I called to see if he was interested in going along and then giving me a hand with the bench. If we finish quickly enough, we might go shooting but I am not counting on that. Hmm, I might have to grill hamburgers! I will have to pick up ketchup, mustard, and buns.

Okay, after thinking about what I would like to remodel, chores I am considering, and such, I am reconsidering some things. I am going a bit too large in my thinking and I need to back off a bit. If nothing else, I have to wait for money to accumulate for even the littler projects. What I would like to do is consider a job, some kind of improvement, that is within my beginner scope. A job that neither requires expensive specialty gear, expensive supplies, or professional skills. I need to do something just to kick over the juices, to gain some experience and success, and something that I can see every day. I have no idea what that could be though. Any ideas? Perhaps there are no such jobs these days?

If I can get the bench and hutch together tomorrow, I will consider what next. Of course, there is the coop roof, but that will require good weather and several weeks of dry weather before I consider that project again. I just... have to do... something. Before I go to bed, I am going to measure for the bench and hutch, again, and get in my head and on paper what I think and know.

Good night.

Going in circles.

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While I may not have been physically active, working on the reloading bench and hutch, trimming branches or raking branches, the weather has not been all that enticing. If it is not raining, or even snowing still (this weekend, again, perhaps), it has been cold in a wet spring way. While a bit of an excuse it is also reasonably true too, and the weather does exclude some things such as climbing, planting (still getting hard freezes), and working on the bench which requires working outside... with electric devices. I have, however, been reviewing information regarding the kitchen and a potential bathroom makeover.

This is where my mind ends up going in circles. In the kitchen, I have some hopes of changing the cupboards, adding an island, redoing the flooring. I will want to add updated and more complete electrical outlets and perhaps a few things like an outlet under the sink for a disposer, and perhaps run a low current line in with several access points for future potential. I will most likely need to run a line for a gas cook top. There will be plumbing connections under consideration as well, for another sink on the island. But, what first? Where do you really begin? Can you do these things in pieces, if so, which part does one start with?

Many places offer ideas, none of them really advise on what to start first or how to put a complete plan together. I know some of it I probably should not do. I can do the tear-down, removing flooring and cabinets. I can most likely install new flooring, and perhaps the cabinets as well. I could probably build an island as well. I could do the plumbing, maybe. But the gas and perhaps the electric should be done by a professional. But, where to even start. Or, must I wait until I can pretty much do the whole thing as a single project?

I am also looking at the master bathroom. I was surprise at how small it actually is. At six by five and a half feet, it is stunningly small. As is, I have a small enclosed tile shower, a water heater, a wash area with actually decent counter space and a minor medicine cabinet, and a toilet in there. Even with my size, I have no real difficulty getting in and out, using the shower, and I do not feel cramped using the toilette even when I have to do so seated. Still, reviewing plans and components, keeping everything and using the space well would be quite a trick. Whoever planned this one did an incredible job, actually. But it is all rather more than dated. Again, on this project even if it is only ever a dream or hope, where to begin, what order the projects should go in, and such, is... a nagging thing.

Beyond all this, the question of what can be turned off and how, has my mind spinning. I do know where the breaker box is and where the water shutoff is. I even found a water shutoff "key" in one of the outbuildings. What I do not know is... do I need to shut off the water heaters (one is electric, one is gas) before turning off water? What about the reverse osmosis or water softener? Further, what about turning off electricity? Will that cause problems with the furnace? Do I need to turn the furnace and gas water heaters to pilot before turning of electricity? There are no manuals. I cannot find information on the specific models. I simply do not know. As well, the breaker is unmarked. I honestly have no idea which switch feeds what area. And, since I am not certain what can be turned off, or what I would actually be turning off at any time, I keep going in circles.

I realized, when considering doing a maintenance checks on the electric hot water heater, that I really did not know how to turn off the electricity, and the rest of the worries about what can and cannot be turned off, or how to do that safely, or how to even begin safely figuring out which switch turned off what component or area. Is there a solid general guide book for simply maintaining a whole house? I just want to check the anode(s)! (for now)

I keep trying to say this in a manner which will not cause too much trouble. I have decided there is no nice way to say it, so I will just state it. However, I think I will avoid going into more detail, using alternative descriptions, or dig into the thought beyond just a statement. I was watching a show to cool down from going in circles from the rest of this post. I realize, after seeing such a woman, that a fat faced woman is an absolute turn off. Wow. She wasn't all that big anywhere else, but that horse head was amazing. If women looked like that, I would definitely reconsider not even thinking about anything but celibacy and it would not be all that hard.

Bah, I tried. Good day.

Darn it, we were supposed to see some sun.

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If the sun shined, it was while I was sleeping. My days and nights are somersaulting, again. I just woke. It looks, currently, like most days for the last two months? Something like that. The sun, hereabouts, is on strike. I hear it has something to do with algore manbearpig declaring something and reality showing it's ugly head. In any case, I am finally awake. I did not sleep much, I woke with a headache and pain which dissipated without pain killers, and I almost feel like doing something finally. But I have company coming so will just neaten the place and get ready for the company.

I see that the long form birth certificate has been released. I was a bit surprised it was a non news issue, in that there was nothing on it whhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifich would make for releasing it an issue, other than what was suspected that the father is not American which does preclude Obama from the office. I know other Hawaiians were able to get their long form from that state as recently as weeks or months ago, so there never was an issue about getting the thing (until a short time ago). I am starting to hear the tech types suggest that there may still be an issue with the thing. From those who are able to detect fraud, it seems that what has been presented is a fraud, has been doctored. It is an amazing day we live in, where even all the kings men cannot perpetuate a simple fraud and get away with it. I personally do not know, I merely have it on reliable authority that the thing is a hoax.

Well, back to a bit of reading, some dishes, a little straightening. As for the news... Gentlemen, start the carnage. I smell blood in the water! Go, Go, Go!

An attempt at clarity.

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I am doing my best to keep my articles to a single idea or theme. Shorter? Well, there is always that. We will call shortening the posts a work in progress. Then again, on some things, how can one shorten a topic beyond a certain point? Fine, work in progress anyway. Or at least something to keep in mind.

I forgot to start the anti-biotic treatment yesterday. That is not required, so long as when I start it I follow it through to completion. I think I can, being that it is only three more days and only one pill a day after the two pills I will eventually take today. I really hope this helps. I suppose it depends on what is wrong.

I have been looking over various sites for the tools to climb the trees and do some arbor work. The question is, do I really need professional grade kit? Some of the gear, such as auxiliary rope, bull or static rope (among other names, but meaning it stretches much less so is good for load bearing but very dangerous to climb with), and some of the climbing gear is rather affordable. But when you get to pulleys which bear the weight of branches plus the gear to set that up, prices go from high to rather extreme. I know, dancing around the job. I could just climb the darn thing what what I already have and pray. And, honestly, should the weather ever support it, that might be exactly what I do. It is what most people do and why there are the number of deaths and other casualties each year.

Not much done today, a bit of writing, a bit of research, and some measuring. I could easily fit a 3' by 6' (base) island in my kitchen and have room beyond that for a half-circle eating area on one side, and still have plenty of room for foot traffic and elbow room to work aplenty. It is a rather big open kitchen. Which means I might have room for a gas stove top and a little cleaning sink along with plenty of extra counter and eating space. Though with the dining room pretty much attached, I am not sure I would do that. Ideas though, they ebb and flow of their own accord and I like to... play with each at least a bit.

Well, on to... something. I figured I would be tired today and maybe tomorrow from the road trip and fight with the new doctor yesterday. And I was right about today in any case. When you get old, that is as good as fights get, mostly. Have a good evening.

Why?

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Reading at one of my usual blogs, I see the notion that creating a educated populace might not lead to prosperity. And more, that the reverse is probably the case. Now, I could get all statistical but I am not about to do so. The simple reality is that education comes from a need for improvements on existing systems in order for education to be an economic factor (well, a positive one). Assuming all education is equal, of course, for the sake of argument. Without a need, demand, or serious call of some sorts by individuals to perform better in their professions, by industry to evaluate and improve efficiency, or the military by raising attrition while limiting personnel and civilian casualties, any costs related to education are not warranted and will become a drag on the economy, often in many ways.

It is not just in African nations, Europe and America have an overload of a underwhelmingly educated class of people who end up needing to work for the government because there simply is no other place. Jobs are created and the government begins doing "work" for which it was not designed and which it does poorly. Even that is coming to an end, as the destruction caused by such backward thinking has lead to a devolution in education and a burgeoning government the people are revolting about. The quantitative easing in education has made what was once a guarantee of work for the best and brightest a meaningless piece of paper, not even parchment these days(?), where the wheat and the chaff are combined.

I see in this, and many other attempts by the left to emulate Western success in foreign places by doing everything except what would actually create success in those nations. Looking at the symptoms, often, of success, and equating that to the causes, is typical of the backward thinking of progressivism. While I am highly skeptical of progressives, believing many if not most actually intend to harm the economy and devalue human life, I am sure there are some well-meaning among them. They too, just as Christians, have more wolves than sheep in their flocks.

What would allow progress in impoverished nations would be an end to imposed international regulations, support of governments which support financial gain instead of ignoring the rule of law, and allowing exceptions to many of the Western imposed limitations which bind even the few nations which have some semblance of a legal, real rights based, government. In other words, just like here, if we want people to strive for more the regulatory jackboot has to be removed from the necks of those being forced to live in malaria, cholera, and other disease ridden places to first use things like ddt and chlorine in their water supplies, begin burning those horrible CO2 producing fuels in order to even get a leg up to then even have a chance at putting together cohesive civilizations. Greens talk about destroying mother earth as a risk to human habitation, yet many of the third world people already live in a destroyed habitation, and are kept there, by the greens.

You cannot give man equality. You cannot give him wealth or wisdom or health. But standing on his head while he is barely keeping it above water already, then indoctrinating him while you do it will only make him hate you. Go figure. Oh, and I actually do support trying to figure out how to make other nations actually, generally, wealthier. Wealth, as it turns out and oddly to some, is one of the surest sign posts that a nation will actually respect the spit of dirt it lives upon. When a man struggles to feed his face, he has little time to worry about how doing so might impact the little birdies or even himself in the long run. We may soon know that a bit more intimately.

No pain!

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I did not find sleep until it snuck up on me and clobbered me with a 2 x dream. I woke without pain, too. I know I dreamed, and incredibly but only the notion that I did so remains. The colors, fragrances, textures, sounds, and such were lost so quickly I did not even glance the images before the smoke left the mirrors. They must have been benign, as I woke in a pleasant mood and somewhat refreshed. As refreshed as sleep has left me for some time. I truly hope for good sleep before too long. As with food, I have learned to live without, I simply prefer to feel rested and fed.

After having been called stupid, I have continued to pursue conversation. I actually see being called stupid as, well, childish. And, the conversation continued if via other commenters. I think the crux of my response is that there are no candidates of any great worth in the field at this time. Paul will merely cut up whatever is there, pulling enough of the votes for Obama to win again. And, at this point, it almost does not matter.

Further, when the republic was gutted for democracy, it ensured an end to both. Much like with the economic throes we are going through, we are going through political throes. They are coming to a head at the same time, as was most likely a hoped event by those who put these things in play. As with economics, politics will not change until it is forced to be changed, whether internally or externally. As I see things, we are at the end of the middle game. Something which is sort of boring. The end game, as I suggested, will be a little more exciting (and I understate). Building a nuclear plant, fine. Building it near a fault line? A little shaky but possible. Building it on a fault line, near the ocean where tsunamis are known to occur and not even designing well for those particular events? Fail. We have done the same thing with American culture, politics, and economics. Expect fail, not if but when.

On the good side, I am dying. Ha! Hey, a little humor always makes the bitter more palatable. Even dark humor, I think. My faith will not save my life, here and now. But if you understand things, you should know that it was never meant to do so. This life was always forfeit, lost before I came to attempt to seek the source of wisdom, and certainly after. Many cannot or will not see that truth, knowing a great hand from the sky will simply scoop them out of the pile of manure we have helped to create. No, no, there will be suffering. It is just that those who truly have faith will have it in pain, tragedy, and mortal death. Those who do not will turn on those who do. The wolves are among the sheep, they are the majority. On another good note, wolves are a protected species! Ha!

Fie, it is what it is. Let not your head or heart be troubled by such. It is the way it has always been. The apocalypse is not all it seems. In the time of the writings, it was the unveiling in a marriage ceremony after up to two weeks of celebrations. The apocalypse is many things, including when Christ sees the true face of His bride. Just... some hopeful thoughts to end this thing.

Good day.

No sleep.

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No sleep and I cannot just stay in bed as I did last night. I gave up after an hour and change. Blogging is hit and miss, but at this hour no one else is writing. I did get called stupid tonight, by someone who ought to know better. Ignorant, stubborn, maybe. And I will accept stupid on some things. For example, do not allow me to do your interior decorating. I like plastic bags, they are better at filling a general space, cheaper than nicknacks, re-usable, and quite disposable. I would avoid using me as your accountant as well. If you have spare change, you should be putting it into things that will possibly hold some value or be useful. Why, $1,000,000 is pocket change when it comes to prepping. If I might be right, I might not be the best guide in any case. Concentration and... Oh, cat!... such being problematic. Some things are simply not my areas. Still, it was fun. I munched a bit on that in rebuttal but the thread seems done for now.

I keep reviewing various things. Research in the dead of night is generally a peaceful thing. Even the cats seem to have learned to sleep at night. Sassy has run out of steam and Sam found a nice little cubby hole to call her own. I realize now, that whether I have a game and play it or not, my sleep is just as variable and I do end up sleeping more. Activity does not pick up either. I had some hope that I might be wrong in my previous assessments. Nope. More sleep and actually probably a decrease in activity seem to be the fact of life without game. I am hoping I hear something about the computer soon. This loaner is problematic, it turns itself on after being turned off, whatever security on it is not all that secure, but the security measures do attempt to keep me from doing business online. Still, it is... something.

Back to... research I guess. Later.

Being different.

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While it might seem childish or small, watching one of the X-men movies tonight re-opened a thought file. In the movie, researches had found a "treatment" for mutants. With a slight poke and a little sting, mutants could be normal. Though not technically a mutant, I am certainly different. I would like to have been more like the Nightcrawler or even the Beast, I ended up being more like the klutzy Wolverine, if I had to pick. Rather than trying to reason through or simply being able to deal with my differences, I simply push through.

I was told they had a way to make me normal. And to be fair, I gave them 12 years of my life to find that magic medicine. That it made me neither normal nor functional, I realized they simply either know not about that which they speak or they are liars. Given the penchant of medicants to be in the trade for money, my guess is the latter. Though they do not know, they know they do not know.

The question is, today, if offered a pill that would make me like you, would I take it? At this point, I strongly wonder if my differences are like the rust on an very old car. If they removed the rust, nothing would be left. Would you, in my shoes, choose to cease to be as you know yourself? Would you become normal? I think, for good or ill, I would stick with Magneto. No pun probably intended.

Holding off.

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Sometimes, no matter my intent, I find that holding off is for the better. In regards to starting Church attendance and involvement again, despite the strong urge (which remains), I realized the timing was bad. Not for me so much, but for the community. While going through Lent and nearing Easter, I realized the priest and any one else whom I might wish to make an acquaintance might well be quite busy. Of course I decided to wait just a bit. And, next Sunday will be the last of it, as I see things. Calling for an appointment for next week is a goal of mine. I have to see if I am a fit for the closest Church. If not, I will have to review the options. As well, I need to consider other means of receiving the host. While I hate the idea that sometimes I may need to have this done in my home, due to incapacity, I think it might be time to simply humbly ask for this along with trying to get in on my own. Pride can be an awful thing, so to shame.

After having found two books I was looking for, I am now searching for another. I found my bibles and the missal, I am still missing my catechism. And, yes, I have read it, several times. Beyond wanting to read it again, along with the bible (Old and New Testaments), I want to have it available for reference. I used to keep it right next to my dictionary and thesaurus. Lame, perhaps, but my memory is not all that good, in any of those areas. Actually, I still do not have my dictionary or thesaurus handy yet either... or my little brown book for English writing. More books to find. I am... right on that. As usual, boss. (Meaning I am right on it, if taking weeks to find it is allowable). I have 500 books down and on shelves and a thousand books scattered through a dozen or more boxes. Add in my inability to remember to do simple chores, let alone 'unnatural things' (like looking for books), and so it goes. But, as I said, within my variances, I am right on that.

I do enjoy my cats. Sassy is no longer allowed the run of the place. She has outlived the speed and agility of her youth, taking on a girth, height, and weight which preclude that, and further she has lost her cute innocent helpless appeal, so that Sam has put her paws down and created dominance. I did fear for real damage, but as often as I hold and pet them, I realize no serious damage or cuts are taking place. And, from my own experience, I know that should either want, or lose concentration and do so thoughtlessly, they can both inflict serious harm. Sam, again, is queen of the land. While Sassy may be the princess, she knows not to cross the 'ol' witch'. Papa can be toyed with, so long as she scatters when he hollers and then comes back later and re-wraps him around her... paw. Lord knows she has pegged me, and rightly, for a sucker for her charms.

I am feeling rather good today. I was in bad shape before I ate a bit, tired, headache, sore. The food did help, this time, oddly. Then again, I was not looking forward to today's appointment. I suspected he would try to bring high blood pressure into this again. Just leave the scab alone unless you intend to actually do something, I say. And I know they will not and cannot. In any case, I am hoping the good sense of self and all lasts. I would like to... I do not know for sure... get out for a walk? Do some yard work? Look over a few more washing machines? Preferably a mix of those events. I just want to do something while I feel up to it. I fear waking tomorrow to another zombie day. I wish I could turn this feeling on and off, saving it for a time where I can use it. At 20:30, there is little I can do and it was raining earlier. Oh well, I will do something outside soon.

I must say, things are looking rough. Gas and food prices are seriously going up. They suggest food prices have only risen 6.5% since last year. I suggest someone is pulling someone's leg about those numbers, but not mine. I would say, since I moved from Iowa, food prices have risen more like 30% or more, as much of that in this last year as before and probably more this year. Going to the store went from being a little hairy to being outright frightful. Meat, milk, and soda. Even if I liked veggies, I am not sure I could really afford them. Certainly not the salt free fresh frozen type. And I really do not believe I could afford to eat three proper meals a day. And fruit... well, if I remembered to eat it, or ate it in a timely manner, I might do that a bit more. Too much fruit goes bad too often, and buying less since I rarely shop would merely mean nearly as infrequency of consumption as I get now.

I have not moved a bit on storing more food for the long term and I have used my short term supplies. Between the fear of the expense of a new or used washer, the tree limb conundrum, and getting tickets so my mother can leave her broom at home and fly with class (I did not write that, if you are reading mom... I've been hacked), plus the simple costs of life as is, I have been holding back on any and all other spending. Until I get sorted out, I am stuck, sort of. But I feel the pull. I see the problems, and they are only going to get worse and for some time to come. Even if the jackboots are shoved out of office, cleaning up the mess (if the replacements can or will go there) will take a decade or more. Further, cleaning this mess will be like getting barbed stingers out of the skin and meat of our economy, and personal lives. It will hurt more, possibly, in the short term, than simply letting the morass continue. No matter what, we have some bills coming due and what we have to pay that with is worth less, times are about to become tough(er).

One last post for the night. Not sure if anyone is reading anymore. Then again, that is not why I write. I ought to put a nickel for every word into my piggy bank? No, I would quit writing, I cannot afford it! :p

Good night.

To the doctor and back.

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Sleep has been so crazy the last few days, I was really worried about missing my appointment today. I went to bed early but could not sleep most of the night. Instead of getting up though, I just continued to rest. I can do that once in a while. That requires patients and a strange sort of fortitude. You do not believe me? Okay, some time when you are not capable of sleeping, go over, lay down, and make yourself comfortable. Now, stay there for eight to ten hours. Then shut it. Yep. In any case, I did get some sleep, but not until after 5:00. The alarm went off at 9:00, I reset it for 10:00. I did not really hear it, or consciously, or mostly, until about 10:30. With little time to prepare and go, I dithered almost beyond a reasonable time, and then some. Then again, I have no idea how long it takes to drive to the clinic. Every day I go is different. Traffic can be slow or fast, so an hour before I think I should go will get me there just in time and yet a few minutes late like today can find me there an half hour early. But, there I was, in more ways than one and on time, give or take.

The blood pressure is actually a bit better at 185/120 or 180/124 depending on which reading you like. My pulse was 110, not so good. This is a new doctor so I simply was not sure what to expect. As I said, I only went there for the lungs. And I had to keep reminding him of this. I told him directly that I consider myself on palliative care, at this point, so suggested he just stick to what he can service. He refused my suggestion that I am on palliative care. I thought about asking him what he calls the inability to treat a powerfully life threatening illness, but let it slide. He, instead, went over and over the high blood pressure issue. I told him that he was the umpteenth doctor who had been here, I told him that the medicines either do not work or the side effects are too severe. On and on. I only ever finally just barely got him to deal with the lungs.

After hearing my complaints, listening to the lungs, and fiddling on the machine, he asked if I was allergic to antibiotics. Not to my knowledge, and for short term I would suffer through allergies, I have been on much worse which I was supposed to take for the rest of my life in spite of it having no positive affect. Have you noticed doctors (not just him) spend half or more of their time fiddling with the computer? He asked, again, why I was so interested in taking care of my lungs with this other health issue hanging over my head. I simply told him there were three reasons. The first is, I have had high blood pressure for over a decade, this other is new. Second, high blood pressure is not messing up my life, the lung thing makes me nervous to sleep sometimes, fearing I will simply stop breathing. And last, I have put over five or six years in on treating the high blood pressure, lost my ability to go to school on the junk, found something that worked only to now have it refused as a treatment option. I suggested if he was really worried about the high blood pressure, then he offer me a treatment plan that I can take. Damn, every time.

So, he did give me an anti-biotic treatment of some sort or other. Two of them today, then one a day for the next three days... or something like that. Directions are on the medicine. He also doubled my water pill in spite of me saying I only take it occasionally. Does anyone listen? I did not bother to discuss that, as I was pretty worn out by then. Double it or triple it, whatever, I am not taking any more of it than what I already take. *sigh* Oh, I did mention that, in looking at possible problems, cortisol came up as perhaps being a problem, even more than Cushing's Syndrome. Neither have actually been tested from what he can see. Why would you have such a problem, he asked? Let me see, sex abuse, child abuse, lots of fights, near death in the Navy, and a couple of suicides, oh, and dealing with my mother when she was suicidal by trying to help her walk off an overdose. Yeah, maybe something like that? And that I cannot relax, maybe? Yeah.

He also set me up for a number of tests and another consult with psychiatry, ostensibly to see about being put on Ritalin (which I already know they will not do so, I am not willing to lie to obtain them and will not jump through imaginary hoops again, ever). Why, I do not honestly know. Some of it is legitimately to see if the lungs have other problems, some of it is to check the heart. I wonder where I fit in the office dead pool? I almost bet I am shorter on the list, but having more data might make guessing easier. If I was normal. If I was normal, I would already be dead. Oh, yeah. He asked about my Ha1c. I noted that it was lower than the time before, at 5.6, well within range. I also told him that it means I am probably not diabetic. I told him I have been drinking regular soda and eating sweets (Orios!) for three to six months now. The look on medics faces when things are not right! I tried not to be snarky, for all I know next time it will be 8.0 or something. Still, since I am just dying, I will not let them have even one of my taste sensations, salt and sugar are back on the menu. Hurrrumph!

Still, I actually feel better for having done this. And, I do have something for the lungs. I did suggest that I have a LOT of bats in my house, and no real means of getting rid of them. He asked why I could not get rid of bats, like such a notion was silly. I suggested my ability to function, work, is very limited. Only more limited is my income. And that getting rid of bats was actually quite a chore, one pest control companies will not even guarantee. Doctors. They makes tons of money and have no clue about anything outside (or some might say variances in) medicine. Bah!

On the way home, after not having eaten more than a meal in the last two or three days, I decided to stop at my favorite restaurant. I ordered a skirt steak burrito. Since it was the lunch menu, I was expecting a petite, if well prepared and sauced, tortilla envelope. Nope. I got the big burrito! I was only able to eat half of it, the rest waits for my distended belly to normalize and empty. I thought I was hungry, and I was. But the stomach really shrinks after days, and weeks really, of rather irregular and light eating. I almost still hurt from half the burrito. I then stopped at the grocery store and bought a few essentials. Meat, milk, and soda.

I saw the ginger I like at the store. She reminds me why I like women. For whatever reason, some boys and some girls (and I think it starts at that level often) simply like each other. When they grow up, even though we are grown up, something more could happen. And, yeah, it could. But she is married and I have become a prude about such things. I suspect she actually knows this and so it is safe to be genial with me. Cats love to test the length and strength of the chains dogs are bound by. Ha! Still, I do enjoy light and natural flirtations. It gives me hope. Sort of like the light at the end of a tunnel. It might be an oncoming train, but as long as I die blissfully ignorant of the mistake, I am okay with that too. *grins* *stupid ear-to-ear grins?* *evil grins?* Bah!

Well, on to seeing who died, why, when, and whether they saw the light first. Blog reading IS the new daytime drama. Later.

Easter Blessings.

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All are welcome to this table.

Right.

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I forgot about shooting today. Digging into the machine and looking around as I did, checking the internet for information again, and it just slipped. Still, I wanted to go into town and look at washing machines. I gave my friend a call and stopped to pick him up as looking over machines and getting a bite to eat sounded like a plan. Perhaps we will go shooting tomorrow.

I have found a number of washing machines in the $600 range, well, before taxes, any necessary or desired pieces, extended warranty, or delivery and installation. Those things take $600 and turn it into about $1,000 in some cases. Some places offer free delivery and installation, for other places the price for those was about $150. All of them take the old machine. One of them had a sale on washers that ended today, their $600 machine just jumped to $850, and who knows how high with all the additional costs, and that place charged for delivery and installation. I have a few more places to look. I keep checking the used machines available, but either their is something wrong with the machine according to the seller or the machine has terrible reviews. Further, I have no real means of transporting a washing machine or getting rid of the old one. I did hear that LG might not be such a durable good. I did hear, from two different sources, that Whirlpool (which makes Maytag and several others now) is pretty good. I will do more digging on the scuttlebutt.

We went to the smoke house restaurant. It has a new name, the original owners failed it seems. The food was good. I would like thicker cuts of brisket though. The amount was fine, I just like slabs not slices. The next time I go I will see if they will cut it thicker for me. I will know from then on whether to go back. I always check the mac and cheese at new places. I am not exactly sure why, considering that I do not generally like what I get. This place was different. Though the noodles were softer than I prefer they were firmer than what is often found, the flavor and texture otherwise was 'good enough'. That is about as good as my home made mac and cheese ever gets even with firmer noodles. And I did like their sauces. From sweet vinegar, to medium heat and sweet, to pretty warm, I used some of each on various bites of meat. My guess is I am less sensitive to pepper heat than most. I had eaten half of my pickle when the waitress came by and suggested we eat our pickles with caution, as they are pickled with jalapeno. I had noticed nothing, and finished the last of it without sensing any heat. I am guessing most people could not eat their hotter sauce. I did so without so much as a flush, though I did notice it was pretty toasty warm. My friend ordered pulled pork. His sides included a baked potato and baked beans. With his small appetite and how much he liked his beans, he ended up taking most of the meat home.

On my way home I stopped at the post office and checked my mail. I received a letter with the results from recent blood tests. I have been drinking regular soda, and four to six cans a day, for the last... month, two months? I expected my Hemoglobin A1C to be troubling, not so much. At 5.6, it has actually dropped since the last time it was tested and is well below the 6.0 they want it under. Go figure. Lots of things on my test are out of whack. Some things were high, like B 12 and calcium. Potassium is still low. Most of it is very marginally above or below average, including wbc, rbc, hgb, save for a few hormones(?), minderals(?), or whatever that I am unfamiliar. Some of those are stratospherically out of bounds, like microalbumin (169.7, where it should be 0 to 2.0) and microalbumin to creatine ratio (747.2 where it should be 0 to 30). I did note, on those last, they said it was probably due to high blood pressure which I am said to have refused medicine regarding. I refuse only to take what I have demonstrably been shown to be unable to take. There is a difference. I am amazed at the ha1c though. My blood sugar, assuming I am diabetic as they suggest, should be into the 8 or 9 range, not 5.6.

It feels warm enough that the windows might stay open all night. I do not think my mother or lady friend would like it. Thankfully, it is just me. The fresh air is a fine thing. When I can enjoy cool air without the worry of freezing, that is a huge plus. I am going to check my cash and credit availability tonight. I am not interested in going without a washing machine much longer. I have a couple weeks of clothes, if I... do the bachelor tip toe I could probably run it a month and a bit. And, I might if I think it will make this a cash deal. It sort of depends on where everything sits. I really ought to figure out that outstanding income, which would make this easy. Yeah, I ought to get right on that.

Good night.

Back to the washer.

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I was able to get the front panel of the machine off. It ended up being quite simple when I finally got around to actually simply trying. I am a bit stuck at the moment though. I had hoped, if I could get the front panel and at least one other panel off the machine, I would be able to see the fittings, hoses, or if nothing else run it while open and look for the leak (is that even safe?). My problem is the rest of the machine is a solid surround. It looks as if there is a front panel, the top panel with the load opening, and the rest is a single piece of formed sheet metal. I suspect I could possibly see where the leak is, or get a better idea. But the compartment is too full for my mechanically lummox sized hands to reach in anywhere. And, I am not sure I actually could see the leak.

Taking it apart further might be possible. This would require, if only simple connections are holding it together, a serious reach at some incredible angles, using a screw driver or socket with one hand and blind. It is not looking all that likely, thought I am going to poke and prod around the machine for a bit to see if there is something I am missing. Some of the bolts look like they might be inside a covered area, requiring either an L screwdriver or open wrench, but they are in the far back of the machine. Oh I hate this. I am betting there is an easier way. Or do they really build these things so as to keep people out?

By the way, knee pads really do make a lot of work much easier. I remember beating up my knees when I used to do various things. When I was younger, beating up the knees was incentive to get the job done quicker and to not put myself into a position in which I would have to work on my knees. Old and poor, knee pads are the thing. Besides, I actually like working on things now. I just... do not know how. Yet? And, actually, even my cheap pair will probably last me years, maybe a lifetime. I suppose it might pay for contractors, in several ways, to buy the good ones. Actually, when my mother arrives, I will probably buy her a pair. No, I do not like her down on her knees but how in the world do you stop such a woman? I think she will be surprised. Initially puzzled, perhaps a bit dismayed at the seemingly silly "gift", but in the end I think she will be quite pleased. How odd the things we never consider until they drop on us?

Well, back to it. I just wanted to bark a complaint in a way somebody might hear. I do not listen to my own whining anymore and the cats just look at me when I bark the way women usually look at men when we say there is a mechanical problem of some sort. I get the feeling they see my unhappiness as a... personal problem. Only interesting because I use such a rich vocabulary or have neat expressions on my face. Then they go right back to preening once their fascination has ended. Ah well. Back to the dungeon.

Update:

While looking online, again, despite little luck to date, I came across a bit of helpful information. At least a notion. The idea is that there is supposed to be a way to flip the top of the machine up, in my case. Going back to the machine, I see there is no real way to do that. The top is connected with machine screws and perhaps zipstrips (which suggests someone else has worked on the machine more recently). As well, one of the other problems my machine has is brown spots on clothes.

Since I found a couple sites which seemed more on target, I decided to review that problem. It seems that the most likely culprit is the seal around the agitator shaft, allowing water down into the transmission. Oil being lighter than water, floats up into the washer. And water stays in the transmission. The fix for that is a new seal and transmission. Beyond being a lot of work, the cost is quite high, assuming I could find the parts. Along with a leak of an unknown source and the difficulty even getting into the work area, I think I am calling this one dead.

If I had more room, and then a way of disposing of the machine, I would love to take it apart by any means necessary just to look things over. Actually, it comes down to space. Oh, I could rip it apart in the living room. I could fill the garage with it and the parts. But I think neither idea really works. So, I am going to close this up and beginning looking for a good new or used machine. A used machine, if new enough where parts could be found and reasonably(?) might be an option. But do I really want to have to tinker with a machine even so? And yet, many new machines are just as bad right off the truck. LG seems to be a decent brand and would come with the offer of an extended warranty.

I am thinking...

My uncle.

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I remembered, while waking up this morning, one of my uncles. He was, I suppose, my favorite uncle. Perhaps I had more to do with him when I was younger, perhaps I liked his toys and notions, or maybe he just filled in for a father when I did not have one. Whatever is the truth, however truth is measured by hormone driven emotional beings, is not absolutely knowable or important so long as it is a genuine understanding I suppose.

I remember him as a pretty straight shooter. He told it as he saw it, though sometimes he saw that saying something probably was not the best way to go. Though too, just as often as not he decided to say it anyway or did not notice he was going into uncharted territory. He was a strong man, a bench press competitor and arm wrestling champ at one time too. I suspect he brawled from time to time in his youth as well, if that was not discussed. I was a fighter, I know my kind. He was not a fearful man, and certainly not henpecked. Though I think he realized having a good woman around was worth a few "yes dears", at least after his first divorce, and had a good notion of when to drop those, and about what. He was not a rock star, a hero, or superman. But he was a little larger than life, and projected that. Due to being a rather powerful man, having moods, and pushing the edges, I certainly held a respectful fear of him.

I realized this morning... I am him. No, not exactly or specifically. But I am the same genus within the species that is man that he was. Disabled and all, this type of men just are what we are. I am not sure if this is good or bad, though I prefer it. I have seen the worms, the henpecked, the sour nerds. I have seen the devoted, the well heeled or otherwise trained, the powerful. I am just a common canus humanus americanus. I suppose we are about a fifth or so of the American male population, perhaps less.

I actually realized that the last time I saw him... he was a rash young man, of 40. Ha! It is good to realize what shoes I wear. Sometimes they fit oddly, sometimes I do not like being in them, but for the most part I am good with this. One other thing I learned from him was that, no matter were you are in your life or what shoes you happen to be a best fit for, you still have to go from where you are right now to were you will be or want to be one step at a time. You may never get there. As well, you will be tested. You will fail here, you will succeed there. Yesterday's test was, well, yesterday.

I do not know why, but I feel much better for the notions. I am going to get going, get some clothes together for washing, grab a few guns, and go shooting, shopping, and to the laundromat today. No, I still have not gotten into the washing machine yet! Bah! Barring that, I will do this. One way or another I must move forward as I can. Only how is up to me, within my given limits. So, forward it is. Later.

As I hear or think of things, I begin to dig.

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I have been hearing the word, cortisol, come up frequently lately. After hearing it one too many times, I decided to find out more. It seems cortisol has an odd function in the body. It does many things and in seemingly rather unrelated areas. The ones that are important to me are proper glucose metabolism, the regulation of blood pressure, and insulin release for blood sugar maintenance.

When there is a minor excess of cortisol the following occur; (X)a quick burst of energy for survival reasons, (X)heightened memory functions, a burst of increased immunity, (X)lower sensitivity to pain, and (X)it helps maintain homeostasis in the body (hemeostasis allows for an internal regulation of the body over various parameters when external factors are changing, heat regulation for example).

Excessive or prolonged heightened levels of cortisol, brought on by stress, can cause; (X)impaired cognitive performance, (?)suppress thyroid function, (X)blood sugar imbalances such as hyperglycemia, decrease bone density, decrease in muscle tissue, (X)higher blood pressure, lower immunity and (X)inflammatory responses in the body, (X)slow wound healing, and (X)increase abdominal fat.

I have marked the common, if occasional, notions which match my situation. If I were to guess, I would say that I go through very short periods where I am at slightly higher cortisol levels, and then spend most of the rest of the time at excessive levels. I do not think I ever go to a resting or reset stage. I have known for decades that I cannot relax. Beyond not knowing the way, I have a huge fear reaction when attempting to relax. Attempts at hypnosis have caused rage. That there, I do believe, is probably the crux of my problem. I will see if there is a means of reducing those levels, alternative or not. That is what is killing me, or at least making me sick and problematic. Then again, no medicine may work if I cannot learn how to relax. This also explains why my blood pressure dipped into the 140/90 type range last summer. I was getting massages. Unfortunately I cannot afford them, they were a part of the treatment after the accident.

What really is happening in America, Europe, and the rest of the world?

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I do believe only a few people in America even consider what is happening to the economy, what social decay is about, how education has been destroyed, and other notable issues. Many people do blame the government, bankers, unions, spending, taxes, and various other culprits. Many of the few, who have decided to review things, take a relatively short view or some expansive view that takes us to, Hippocrates somehow, or even further back.

As I see things, though what is often called the left, progressives, Democrats, socialists, communists, among other names, have been planning changes in America since the nation was created, little was actually accomplished until F.D.R. When only those who paid taxes, landowners essentially, were allowed to vote there was a strict limit on government growth. Even after they gave the leisure class the vote, it took decades for action to begin. The first part was the expansion of government programs for the poor. I am not certain if these programs were as cynically installed as, say, what led to Roe v. Wade, though I suspect they were. The government, by those then in power, was seen as not only necessary but it was deemed by them that the government should run most things and have influence even in the matters it did not directly control. The only way it could do that was by buying votes, until votes no longer mattered. This was socialism on a state level, the state of the nation that is.

The next step is broader. The next step was the notion that if the government that rules best should rule universally. This is called global government. Whether it had been discussed prior to the first acts to implement national socialism or not matters little. Men have planned and plotted all sorts of mischief, most of which never came to fruition. I would suggest J.F.K. was the first to begin, in America, this next step. The Vietnam war, if anything, was a distraction. What he did do was to change the racial makeup of immigrants, and expand vote buying. Working with Europe, who was attempting to do the same thing, it was decided that the only way to make Europeans surrender to their betters was to give them no place to emigrate. Further, part of the globalist goal is to create a universal multiculture, similar in the U.S., Europe, South America, Asia, everywhere. Laws, taxation, regulations, much of it has been specifically designed to create the America we have today. They are not finished. I would guess we are merely a quarter of the way to completion, just on the racial front.

While this is occurring, the next steps are well on their way to being implemented. When the EPA became activist in the early 1970's, in some self-proclaimed environmental protection notion as a front, it was actually simply decided that it was time to begin equalizing wealth, income, manufacturing capital, technology, and the rest, equally around the world. That means, in time, the goal is to have Africans, Europeans, Americans, and everyone else receive the same pay for the same work. And more, light bulbs will cost the same in Portugal, South Africa, and Austria. Or, that is the theory. Most people are looking too small, too local, and are missing the whole point.

Of course, there are flies in the ointment. Not everybody is on board. Further, traditional institutions, by their nature, reject such changes. The family, religion, social connections, ethnic preferences, all natural and all fairly powerful. The family is nearly gone, certainly in Europe, as with the Church. Social connections are controlled by neo-social programmers, controlled by government regulations. And forced desegregation is how the last is handled.

As well, who can literally be trusted and who cannot, even within their cabal, is far from certain. There are differing opinions on how, when, or if to use force, for example. There are those among their ranks who realize that, at certain choke points, if they stop the progressive movement they may enrich themselves grandly. I would even speculate that some of the economic difficulty we are seeing comes about for that very reason. Though some of our economic woe is specifically planned and necessary for global equalization, if it was believed that this process could be done more smoothly. Of course, others merely notice the trends, gain wealth from those, then use the reality of corruption to maintain their grip on the layer of golden eggs. Beyond that, there are those who will not surrender power. Aspects of governments, agencies, and even people, common people like you and me. Though we weaken as more and more suck on the tit and cannot figure out how to not be spoon-fed.

I am not sure if the sleep of death many American citizens and politicians are in will break in time to make serious changes or if the deal is already done. Again, I have my suspicions. The housing market? Gas prices? Your retirement accounts? If I were you, I would look a little farther, a little more fearfully. Look back at America in the 1980's, the 1950's, and further back. Read about 1900, 1850, 1800, 1750, just bits about life, the economy, the government at various levels and their impact on the average man. We did progress. We did become educated. We did advance medicine, scientific notions and methods (if not improving the method itself). Then, at some point, it all began to fail. All of our institutions, from the family, to medicine, to education, to religion have fallen to the lowest common denominator and then lowered more. When did that begin? How was that allowed? I can easily pinpoint when it began.

I have to think that being a bit poorer, living only to 72 instead of 76, but being free to work on my own home, sell goods and services out of a wagon should I come up with some stake money, having greater familial, community, and religious ties, and being a free man far surpasses the world I live in today. Murdering a child in a mother's womb is not only not illegal today, it is a sought after service in which science, medicine, our government, and women collude. Yeah. There is that. Social morals and values may change, but morality does not move one iota.

The sad truth is, even if every American read this, understood it, and agreed, many if not most would simply surrender to what is. Actually, I think many of them have. I sometimes feel like the only one who does not realize, like everyone else, that we lost a long time ago. It is as if I slept through a communist take over of the nation and no one wants to tell me the truth, preferring to let me live and eventually die in my little world. A real life version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" or something.

Well, just thinking about some things and decided to kick this out.

Interesting, in a personal way.

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After struggling with the need for sleep in various other ways, tonight I am without it altogether. I went to bed at the appropriate time. I did my usual tossing and turning. Then I did more. After four hours, without much fuss, I simply realized I was not going to sleep. This is a time where I miss having my own machine, with my game on it. I have not and will not put the game on this machine. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? I cannot focus to read, I did try though. Even researching projects and purchases is difficult. I merely find that as I look up one product or procedure I drift into other things which have nothing to do with my original intent until I find myself blithely reviewing whatever catches my fancy.

Sassy is fascinated with a spider on the ceiling, one she cannot reach. Sam has scolded her several times to no avail. I actually enjoy her activities myself. She trills when she wants something. Sam is trying to teach her, I think, that hunting and sound are a poor combination. Well, that and Sam prefers quiet. Oh, she might purr rarely, and even let out a play warning when I play "tickle da belly" with her. But mostly she stands, stalks, and glides silently through our shared dreamscape. Even so, she has learned she can rarely sneak up on popo, though she continues to try. Sassy is such a klutz, as housecats and really naive kittens cum cats can be. It will take her some time to even think to try to learn how to sneak up on me. I suppose I am practice for hunting? What a mouse I would make!

I have been praying more lately than usual. I try to remember to pray each night and before each meal. Sometimes I pray for specific graces at specific times. If I can pull back from aggression while driving, I often pray for the grace of patience and the wisdom of taking things slow and easy. For whatever reason, recently I have been having long conversations with God through my prayers. Not that these times are any more difficult, pleasurable, or otherwise remarkable. I just feel the need. Perhaps I am looking for something I have not yet hit upon. The strength and concentration to do what needs to be done? No, if that is included. Some certainty of understanding, that what I am really is as good as I can be? No, though that is put forth. I do not know. Am I just feeling the need for a closer relationship with God and am seeking it? Maybe.

Life is good. I am having sleeping problems again, obviously. My will is weak and I have much to do, of course. But these are not new, they will come and go, and I will remain until I do not. They concern me, and are frustrating, but these things are on the periphery of life as I now know it. The only goal I have, at this point, is to live as truly and rightly as I may until I stand before Christ. Something I do fear. Only there, as I understand it now, may true death ever be a potential. Actually, more like undeath. Life without the possibility of love. Still, I am here and must do my best to live here and now. I suppose being a S.O.B. does not bother me, so long as it is the correct version. But is it? Many questions, few answers. Still, as I said, life is good.

I merely dream write, currently. I am almost not sure what I am doing. Sleep beckons but only teases. Parts of my mind have shut off. My imaginings are more like dreams and run wild in the background. If only I could capture some of those for others to view. Some are simple and might be boring to others, fascinating to yet another group. Some are bold, dark, hard imaginings. Blood, war, hunger, and the rest. Struggles through the fetid world of men gone bad, surviving as I may, looking for the leader to set things right or the death any who lives by the sword rightly deserves. I like the simple imaginative ones better. Just as real dreams, however, I have little choice in which "channel" flickers into view at any given moment. Sometimes they run together in some twisted view of beauty and horror and love and sacrifice, leaving little but a bitter-sweet taste of what I typical equate with this existence to date, but freshened to the edgiest peaks and valleys anew.

This too is good. Plus, my cats love me. Later or good night or good morning or whatever it all means.