Busted up?

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I keep pushing.  I need more sleep, but then push my day too long and throw in doing things that push even that.  Then I try to sleep too little.  Well, yeah, I'm going to have to fix that.  It takes so long, after waking, to begin working though.  I feel like I was just thrown from one of the better bulls at the rodeo, and he wasn't gentle about it and came back to give me a bit more of his outrage at my presumption about riding him.  I did get most of my laundry done, what I am going to do.  I did wash and dry my bedding, and of course put it back on my bed, including blankets, last night.  I have been doing little bits of this and that, to get my home sorted.  So it isn't a complete right-off.  Most likely, when I skip swimming, I end up with a surplus of juice.  But if I am not going to the pool it is because I need down time, thus I end up stuck between needing rest and needing a workout.  It makes sense if I don't quite have a solution for this new thing.  And to kick off the morning with a start, clearing my sinuses the proper way ended with me having a gusher, if short lived as it turns out, of a nose bleed.  *gush*  Add that to a minor headache and I already have something, many things, to complain about already.  Me likey.  :p

No snow?  I expected it last night.  And from the bit I had heard, it was supposed to be a ton of snow coming in.  They didn't have how much, or where, exactly, true.  But they were talking like it was going to be epic, from the west on through to the plains.  I was thinking Boston, under three feet, or even a foot, epic.  A revisit seems to indicate my area will get a whopping... 1"-3", over the whole course of the storm.  Really?  I suppose I could just decide to hate weathermen, even when their miscalculations and threats of snowmagedon turn in my favor, but I won't.  I just have to remember, while they are figuring out 'warmal colding'*, they don't have a lot of time for the little things, like figuring out the weather a day or two in advance and reporting it. *h/t Dr. John M. Ray for the term warmal colding (I don't hate, and I only beat up on some "academics"... you know who you are, and aren't.)

I think I sat in this chair, in spite of getting some things done, way to long.  Then I slept wrong, again.  Oh, and I forgot medication for the last... three days?  Yeah, well, I'll fix that today... in a bit.  Hey, it didn't kill me and what doesn't kill me makes me feel like I'm back in the shit.  Ah, for the happy times.  Well, on with my day.  You ought to get to it too, you know.  They might be paying you just to sit there, but you have to at least... well, you ARE reading.  I suppose that counts.  

Very odd how things work out. Wodan to be sure?

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If what I see as the future is true, and I see nothing to change it, a song long forgotten might be fulfilled.

I think the machine is working?

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The store my neighbor recommended did have the belt I needed, on tap thankfully.  As for the other belt, though, they had three and weren't sure which one my machine takes.  It was a bear even for them, with the serial and model numbers.  I do feel better about having so much trouble finding the belt, and rather satisfied that I did in fact find the correct belt when I decided to get serious.  The other belt (drive belt), though, I'll worry about after this snow.  I just hope the machine holds up... something sounds just a touch off.  We will see.  Now, I got the old new belt out and the new new belt in just fine.  But the engaging cord was too tight.  I didn't want to tinker with it... urhm, okay, that isn't true.  I wanted to tinker with it, and figure it out, but I wasn't willing to risk breaking it with the snows set to start tonight.  So I called the neighbor that had tightened it last time and he came by to set it up.  I watched to see how to do that.  Next time I will know.  Not bad for my first machine teardown and rebuild in... ever?

I keep thinking about things, and from my assessment, I keep coming to the same conclusions.  America has decided to commit political suicide.  Further, it makes complete sense.  When a woman is left to her own devices she will end up suicidal at some point, possibly several points, and probably in any case, the only difference being the depth of the despair which will have some connection to whether she is in a committed relationship or not.  Add her voice to the political machinations and the solution is no different, it is final.  Some say women, bereft of men to lead in their personal lives, will threaten, and in fact act out, suicide.  Whether to get attention, or in seeking some sort of leadership, or because that is their default to counter being adrift and alone among disinterested men none can be sure.  But the... surety of it is not in question.  I suppose, if this is the end of America, the epitaph could be... "Killed by a little pussy".  Sadly fitting, but funny too.  Free enough, yet, baby?

Finally, a good night of rest.

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Yep, I think I simply pushed far too hard last week.  All good though.  Doing that from time to time works my endurance, which is the weakest link in my survival kit at this time.  Strength, if not exceptional or even truly good, is generally... enough.  If that doesn't mean I will leave it there.  Speed and will are still good.  So, I guess I don't mind.  I do regret having really poor sleep for a while after doing such things though.  I don't just desire good sleep, I need it.  As I said though, I got that good sleep again last night for the first time since last Thursday.  Now I believe I can catch my breath and beginning realigning my day schedule.

I didn't quite make it up by morning.  Going to down at 5:00, due to laundry, I set the alarm for noon and was up by noon thirty, give or take.  An hour has already passed and I am not even sure what happened to pass that much time.  I hate that lost time.  I am hoping, with exercise, I will soon be able to cut how much time is simply lost.  I have some doubts that all of my time can be my own.  I do hope I can cobble multi hour long sessions together per day and limit lost time moments to little per-designed pockets.  At this point anywhere from half to three quarters of my time is simply lost to the nether.

With clean clothes, and all of it put up or hung up, I am feeling better.  Life just works better when at least some parts of domestic life are tended rightly, and in a reliable repair for immediate use.  I need to get a shower, then get to town.  I could call before heading out.  The worry is that the belt I need will simply not be in stock.  It isn't like I haven't been working on getting a belt, if my efforts were rather lame as it turns out.  And yet, when doing something new, until a system is created, that is probably as good as it gets?  Yeah, most likely. 

Time to kick the machine over and put a fire in the belly.  A week of snow?  Really?  I at least hope this will refill the water holes from last year's drought.  That would make it worth it.  And the snow does give me a solid thing to grumble about.  I was trained to desire a minimum of one thing a day for such usage, the more somehow being the merrier.  It makes pessimism much more tolerable, downright enjoyable, like a game.  And it allows me to laugh even while the world burns.  I'm off.

Good day.

Far too late. Things did get done though.

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With sleep being a bit off I have to expect late nights.  A load of dishes was washed, another load set to soak, and three loads of laundry completed.  The last load, of thermal shirts mostly, will just have to dry on it's own.  The rest of the clothes have been hung or put away, including clothes from my last wash which had simply been left on the couch.  Nothing fancy, but I was happy with what I did.  If I am not happy that I am pulling up lame for swimming.  Ugh, I best look over the weather reports.  If it is going to snow too much I may have to postpone my swimming lesson, if I think I heard that the day of the lessons it is supposed to be a light snow day.  I ought to contact my coach and make some kind of agreement about these things though.

Off to bed.  Good night.

So strange.

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I read here and there from people who have known their whole lives.  They remember the streets they ran as children, the homes they lived in which are sometimes still occupied by family.  They have their memory flood their mind when they return home.  They know places so intimately that a scratch, or something out of place, will be noticed.  I... can't even imagine such.  I am, and always have been, alone and of myself.  My memories of the past consist of people, and temporary abodes.  Thousands, tens of thousands of people, come and gone.  Places I barely recall, and easily incorrectly.

I know my home better than I have ever known a place, having been here going on three years now.  And I will, probably, learn it even better as health returns.  It is all I have.  And, even now, I know it may be temporary.  I may be leaving in a year or two, less, more.  It is a great sadness that as I finally find health, I may need to flee for my freedom, even life, from the very nation that raised me.  I suppose that is just as it has to be.

I wish I could say that I am jealous of those who have known a world, constancy.  But then being tied to a world as it crumbles is... a pain I will not know.  I have little to lose, nothing I haven't lost before.  I am honestly not sure who to pity most, in an objective manner, if what I see is sure and soon.  I do believe that more, most, should know constancy, to a greater degree.  But the constancy America became known for was surrendered long ago, in a bid by some men to make sure their future counterparts would gain control, as they have.  And in that gaining of power, constancy had to end.  That most are only acting as they would be expected to act... means they cannot fully be held accountable.  But it is those people who will pay the price, many for their very own actions.  Given enough rope, I suppose, most men will well and truly hang themselves...  If it isn't men, in this case.

It is disturbing to realize that the artifacts of the past are just about to become exactly that.  The houses might be the same, the dishes and cutlery all kept in the same place, the television in the same room, against the same wall, if perpetually updated.  But the inhabitants will no longer be free citizens.  They will go from being free to being subjects, and they will mostly go along with it.  Those who disagree will either flee or lose their freedom more completely than the others.  Who knows how many will be killed, outright, just as examples.  Most will go on living, in a new paradigm, without a blink, but with fear in their hearts.  And an understanding that they must surrender whatever is asked or lose it and even more of their freedoms.  No, I am not sure who has it worse... those who knew a regular, true, steady life... or those of us who knew nothing and will be losing only a nation we all combined once celebrated, fought to defend or enhance, worked in, and... loved.

I hate missing swimming.  As I have said though, as long as I keep up, get back in when I can, and I do quite well, that it works out for now.  Missing a swim after pushing too hard is actually more beneficial than pushing to absolute exhaustion.  This is fine.  It will give me the time to prepare for the next swims.  After I get my feet under me again, it should give me time to also begin working on my home.  I could not get to laundry and only put a load of dishes to soak, sum total, yesterday.  Well, and maybe it will give me what I need in time and energy to get the snow blower fixed, too.  Gah!  I will try to be up and out by tomorrow morning, to get to the store.  I have the model and serial number and did a check tonight.  I compared that part number with what was on the other belts I purchased and it is different.  It is worth a shot to try and track it down.  Double Gah!

Later.

Rough day.

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No, I won't be swimming.  I'm still in recovery from swimming last week.  Actually, I am thinking I will skip swimming today and tomorrow, if I will get into town.  I need to try to track down a belt for the snow blower.  We have a week of snow coming in and I am simply not up to shoveling all that.  I mean a week, straight, of snow... on each day.  It starts tomorrow evening.  I may actually call around to a couple of places today.

I've been sleeping wrongly, somehow.  My guess is last week saw more output than what I have seen sum total up to that week in the pool.  Music really is a pusher that way.  Speed, distance, shorter rests, all of it, added up.  Now, it will get me going but I'm not quite ready.  With lessons coming up, I want to be able to have something to put in, and once they start part of my pool time will be focused on improvements, which will be performed at a slower speed in order to do them right.  That should help pace things, for now.

As for women being different?  Sometimes, and generally, they understand and speak English.  But their core, that which interprets what was said, spoken, read, written, seen, and heard... that is not a logic device, or... the logic isn't based on how logic is defined, or with the ends of defined logic.  It is why women can and do enjoy the fanciful a great deal more, while denying it.  What is odd is that while women enjoy such things, as a rule, they are terrible at creating it.  Look through history, museums, and even pop top authorship (but more specifically the classics) to realize the truth of the matter.  I have seen inside the mind of a woman or two.  It is alien, emotion based, with an emphasis on losing to a winner.  They are completely based on the pscycho-sexual and interpersonal.  A few have a bit more capacity for a bit more classic logic, but... it's a dog and pony trick, almost purely.  While, in one way, it is all about them... it is right until it isn't.  It then becomes about the processes that involve them, so... sort of about them but not quite, or not personally.  This latter is why women collude, despite nearly hating each other, save when they... love each other, either as a furtherance of loving themselves or in an aberration dealing with the processes that involve them.  Well... that's about as good as I can do, from what I've seen.

Men?  Food, love to include and more strongly based on sex, a logical approach to the world, and simply figuring things out.  If we can't control, we want to know where the boundaries are both with the world and within ourselves.  Testing, testing, testing.  We will break things and ourselves finding out.  We are quite simple.  While I have an idea about women, I know that as soon as you square one of their circles it can and might well change, whether you, they, or it wants to or not.  It is like describing the shape of water...  There are principles, a mass by volume, rules that generally are true, but there is much that is just... well... random.

When I speak to women I know that almost anything I physically say has very little to do with what she hears or is listening for or to.  I have learned, to a degree, to speak in some of the other... languages?  I have to think about it, to a degree, if I want something specific to be heard (they don't, if they also don't consciously know what they are saying or understand directly what they are hearing).  All of their communication goes into a black box and they react to it's output, and think more about it later.  I can only interpret, roughly, what they are saying in those non-verbal languages... I'm always sort of guessing.  If I seem to be good at it... when I choose to bother with it.  I will only say this... whatever a woman tells you, if there is mutual interest?  Ignore.  She isn't telling you anything, she is asking you.  If you wish, and she wants, you simply tell her.  She will believe, even if you tell her the sky is a reddish purple in spite of it being blue, if you say the rest of it rightly for her 'ears'.  Facts aren't important, or even needed to be true, if you are true, or at least they decide you are true enough.

Why are women weaker, subservient?   Aren't we all children of God?  Of course.  But while men are the direct sons, women are the daughters of God AND men.  Lilith failed... She failed herself.  She failed man.  She failed God.

Just... some thoughts.  There, you have my most recently revised notes on teh womenz.  :p

Later.

So, what is it your woman needs?

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Since I all but laugh at what "sex education" proffers as advise, or truth, or wisdom, what it is that I see? There are things I could say.  I could write more or less.  I could discuss this topic or that, that aspect or this.  But I think there is one woman who recognizes a large part of it in a song.  I will let her describe their need, sing of it in their tongue.

Still feeling it.

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Okay, truth be told, my innards are feeling rough, and have off and on since my last swim.  At first I wondered if some organ or three were protesting this or that.  After a bit of testing I actually think its my intestines, mostly.  A bit gassy, if not exhibiting that outwardly and thankfully.  When I press on my stomach I can hear gurgling and feel little pops.  My guess?  As my body is tightening, there is a smaller and smaller cavity for those innards and muscle is encroaching while also not being as easy to negotiate as fat was.  It is akin to donning a man corset, this of a biological nature.  And, yes, it is happening that fast.  At this rate, D.C., if he had met me up to the New Year would almost not recognize me by the time we hit Burning Man, and that assuming only swimming continues.  If I get started on straight weights, and get even a month or two in on those by then, no one would recognize me.  My mother will be seeing me in June, and I think she will be absolutely flabbergasted.  I just hope the changes do not frighten her.  But women have a way of trading fright for... beautiful things, though, too.

Can you believe... I could still be on the heart transplant list?  *grins*

Never mind.  I will be taking it somewhat easy today.  I hope to do a load of dishes and a load or three of laundry.  With enough hangers, again, finally, I should have an easy time putting my clothes up.  I hate folding shirts, then trying to find a place to put them.  Ten of my shirts, even pressing the folds, fills a large drawer to overflowing.  Trash, maybe recycling, and the cat litter will be changed as well, I hope.  I am running a bit slow and a bit rough, what with my gizzard and gullet giving me grief.  I'll... figure it out.  What is more exciting?  My first swimming lesson will happen this week!  What worries me about lessons is that I may have to slow down to practice particular strokes or such.  Then again, that might make shifting to three practices a week more applicable... splitting my time in the pool between slower instruction swims and all out workouts.  The goal, if I can do that, is then to push my swims to hour sessions by April, May at the latest.

I suppose I should begin tinkering.  I had a hard sleep and a late rise.  No problem, I'm working on these things.  Later.

Just another Saturday.

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Yesterday was a great day with a hard ending.  I couldn't get to bed, then had trouble sleeping.  I think I am pushing things with music and twice a week swimming.  And yet I plan to continue doing so.  Especially after reaching for my wallet and feeling solidifying man buns, the only ones I ever hope to feel.  I haven't had them for decades.  I would welcome them back with open arms, if that were possible, save in the pool.  A rough night of sleep is worth the effort.  I think that will come and go, with or without swimming, anyway.

Today was pretty much a day off.  Tomorrow will be the same, mostly.  I hope to get some work in the house started, or even finished, and prep for a more intense house cleaning this coming week.  I want my kitchen back, at least, in order to cook some of the pork!  I am meat hungry and ready to dig in.  Bacon, sausage, ribs, chops...  Breaded or fried or even steamed, served hot in any case, with this or that on the side.  Hungry.

I keep seeing my body improve somewhere I hadn't noticed before.  Muscles expanding, having a chest that clearly sticks out, having a very noticeable male looking physique, more solid legs, and now the beginnings of a real butt.  A little over a month and...  I can only imagine what a year, and throwing in weights too, will do.  I hit things hard.  I have a great capacity to push the limits, if I can get to the polls.  If I had best... be a little cautious.  Chomping on the bit still, but no longer kicking at the stable door.  I am out, running.  How far can I go though?  How fast?  I need straight weights as soon as possible.  I have some doctor appointments coming up.  I will check again then.  While not ready, strength and fitness wise, I wouldn't mind having the approval ahead of time... so I can ease into it.  My goals are 3 miles an hour swimming for an hour three days a week, and four hundred pound bench presses along with a rounded out similar straight weight regimen for the other lifts.   I actually think that is possible.  That will do what the medicines can't, actually possibly cure my heart.

Hmm, I need to get something to eat.  Hungry doesn't describe what I am feeling but it's close enough.  Good night.

Dark portents while the Ides of March approaches.

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I can't say what is about to happen.  I do know I am seeing a darkness where light should be becoming very possible.  Some things cannot be killed, but they can be placed into dormancy.  These too are things of God, if nothing else a sign.  Time will tell.

Just a reminder...

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This has been known, and seen, long before it was commonly known.  Now you, reading here, humble and fumblingly techy, know the truth.  This will mean what you never would have believed.  Oh, and good morning... to your future.

How could I not be pleased?

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Good, bad, up, down, forgetting meds, and all the rest.  I have been swimming since right around the start of January.  I have begun reading again since that same time.  My blood pressure is staying very good, well controlled.  I've even thrown in upgrading and updating what had been a loaner and now seems to be a trade.  I've missed some days of swimming, I pushed too hard for a bit, my house looks like the cats are running the place (not good), and there are other problems.  But I am coming alive again, quickening, strengthening.  I realize, even now, that most of my waking time still is not my own.  While I always knew that, I guess I didn't realize how deep that was.  Now I know.  I am also seeing that, in some period of time, I may actually make all of my conscious time my own, escaping only while doing drudgery that must be done.  Amazing.  And this while still quite eligible to be put on the heart transplant list?

Swimming was excellent today.  Music is a huge plus, but sticking it out, and getting back in when I mess up, means the world to gaining strength.  My first lesson is in a week.  Frankly I am a bit nervous.  First, it is earlier than when I usually can go.  Second, it is at a specific time.  It is still quite a trick to make an appointment.  Thankfully, this is only once every few weeks, for now.  I was thinking, in March, to begin swimming a full hour.  I may attempt, instead, to add a third day into the mix, again.  I'm not sure I can support that, but it would be more amenable to lessons.  It's worth a shot, and I was going to increase some aspect of swimming anyway.

Swimming has not just been good for muscles, lungs, skin, and even toenails (yes, my toe nails are clearing of long held, probably fungal, infection(s)).  It has been good for many other things.  I believe it is the reason I have been able to dial my sleep schedule back, somehow.  What swimming is doing for me probably can't be calculated as simply as for other folk.  My focus, my mind in general, is improving.  I really wonder how much this will help my heart?  I even realize that missing a session, or skipping as the case can be, doesn't even hurt, at this point.  Often it has helped. 

My friend didn't want to watch a show.  Dinner, he suggested.  So dinner it was.  And, as usual, I was hungry as a bear after swimming.  My appetite is back.  I suspect the reason, initially, that appetite was surpressed by exercise was due to the fact that I was completely and utterly out of shape.  Not that I am far from that even now, only that my metabolism and such has caught up with things.  So a great meal was enjoyed.  It should be warming up, soon enough, so that perhaps we can get out shooting again.  That would be a nice change of pace.  My friend has a number of new pistols to try out, and has nearly rebuilt a few of his favorite pistols, none of which he has been able to test.  I just want a little time on target.

A little more tinkering with my iTunes library, then to bed early.  I may have things to do tomorrow.  I will be hitting my home, too.  It is starting to smell a little funny, look a little haggard, and simply is begging for a little attention.  With so many things going on, it's been too long since I had a lick or spit to offer.  Ah, I did stop at a store to check on belts.  It seems the model number is needed.  I'll... get that.  And actually try that data myself, to try to locate an actual belt number, then either order it or see who has it locally.  But for tonight, just a slow slide into sleep.

Good night.

On my way to days again.

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I did enough goofing yesterday, and work for the last week or two, to get to bed relatively early last night.  Getting out of bed, as well, and before the alarm, just adds to the feeling of success.  I am sure I have mentioned how much I hate waking to an alarm before.  I take every opportunity to reassign the fact that I hate waking to an alarm to memory though.  Oh, I'll do it.  And I am glad for alarm clocks.  I am simply not pleased by the reality that they are necessary.  So when I escape their beeping, bleating, blaring, noise, I am always a bit happier of a man.

My goal is to get a shower in before noon.  I had thought to consider making it to Mass.  I woke at 10:15 so it was technically possible.  Here it is already 11:00 and I have... no idea how so much time passed between now and then?  While it is still technically possible, with the kind of time lapse I just saw I don't think it is truly possible.  Next week I hope to try and be on track again for Mass.  Yes, I do try.  And while I seem to be gaining strength, doing more, making headway, most people don't understand just what a deep hole I am starting from.  I paint a beautiful picture.  But I create the context.  I develop the scenarios.  I edit the content.  And you see what is right, or good, or successful.  You don't get to see that I meant to do something at noon but didn't do it until 15:00.  You don't get to see what else I failed to do.  You don't get to see how much it cost.  I am only slightly better than a 90 year old man, and not all of them.  The difference is, with me, there is some hope at improvement.  And that hope is accelerating.  But I am not there yet.  I am far from there.

Hmm, a shower by noon, an hour to rest and dry, then into town.  I will be taking several movies for my friend to enjoy after the swim.  I may see if I can get the belts I need, as well.  The store that I bought my chainsaw at might carry them, as may another general bigbox hardware store, or so I heard.  Other than that, I think my tasks in town will be rather limited today.  Still, it will be a long day, depending on how many movies are watched.

Later.

Not too much done, but all good.

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I've been tinkering in iTunes, setting up albums by adding missing cover art and putting collections together as sometimes iTunes takes a 'greatest hits' album and splits it into parts of the albums they came from.  A bit of tinkering, and learning a couple of keystroke shortcuts have made that job a LOT easier.  I can't be sure how many albums are remaining that must be worked, and some albums have even heavier work, but I'm not worried about this.  It is just something I will do here and there, when I need a break, or between other tasks.  Tonight just happened to be one of those nights.

I need to find food though.  I've been living on the incoming meals and a fast food stop or two a week for quite a bit.  I've let the kitchen sort of fall apart.  Now, I can't fix the kitchen tonight, but I am almost certain I can figure out something hot, meaty, and plentiful.  Hungry... very seriously harshly hungry.  A bite or dozen, then to crash and perhaps be up and out in time to swim tomorrow.  So hollow, so thin, life that is, sometimes.  I stretched things though, and so it's fine. 

Food, sleep... that's all I can think or do, I hope.  Good night.

Awake but clueless.

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I can't remember what time I finally went to bed, if I think it was slightly before 10:00.  I know I counted off the time and set the alarm for a proper length of sleep.  I also know I woke before the alarm sounded, cutting my sleep quite short, but feeling fine for it.  Stats have been taken, and were extra fine, medicines are about to go down too.  It often surprises me how long it takes me to wake some days.  I am thinking that at least an hour passes, just doing stats, getting the machine fired up, and just literally becoming actually conscious.  Sometimes two will pass before I know what I am about.

I am not sure what to do today.  It is a rough day.  I have been pushing things, one way or another, for a bit.  It is somewhere between a victory day and a crash day.  I am not sure much will be done.  And I don't mind.  My goal is to get rested up, perhaps do, or start, a few cleaning projects, but focus on getting to swimming tomorrow and heavier cleaning this weekend.

It has been very cold lately, off and on, with very warm periods creeping in from time to time.  The melting has kept the driveway clear.  Still, I want to get going on the snow blower.  Perhaps, if I make it in for the swim early enough tomorrow, I can stop at a couple of other stores before visiting my friend to watch movies and find a replacement belt.  I still can't find the manual, if I haven't been looking as much as I would like.  Then again, many manuals are generic, and cover all their models, so they don't always even have the actual belt type listed specifically.  Still, I want that manual.

On to... whatever today holds.

Now can I hazzes my life back?

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Well, okay, that title wasn't written by me.  The girls are getting rather jealous of me and the machine, with a cd book in my lap.  Done, 363 albums, some of them multi-cd... 178 of those went on last night.  I gave the cd/dvd player breaks.  After putting up a goodly sum I would watch the Batman movies.  I can't believe I got that many on in that short of a time though.  I suppose practice from putting the first half on?  Maybe the computer was running better?  Not sure, but I am done.

Next, I need to begin getting my days and nights straightened out.  The goal, at a minimum, is to be in to the pool by 14:00 Friday.  After that, getting my mornings back.  Yeah, I know, but I got hooked on getting this job done.  It was a bit of a marathon.  Little else has been done and my house needs care, laundry needs washed, and I need a bit of a break.  Still, I am rather pleased with this little task.  I really... yeah, you know... didn't think it was going to take this long.  Could you imagine living in a world where you could know how long it would take... or even set an impossible time goal and still easily reach it?  Now that would be a kick.

Time for bed and some needed, and perhaps well deserved, rest.  See you... later.  Mostly.

Okay, well.

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I was hoping to be awake earlier than I was today.  I had something I really wanted to do.  I did wake up a time or two, earlier, but I could not rise.  I must have worn myself pretty well yesterday.  I did watch one of the movies, then went on to put more of my music collection into iTunes.  If nothing else I am pleased with my insistence and bullheaded drive.  Well, okay, those things don't impress me.  I've always had them.  I guess what pleases me is that, in spite of problems, complications, typical mood swings, and all else, that I am sticking with the task.  I have had some serious hurdles to clamber over to get to this point.  Uhrm, for me.  Others might have swept these things aside and just kept going.  This is new turf for me.  Heck, I am even pretty sure when I finish I will put my day schedule back in order and, mostly, keep it there.  My slips will be just that.  Pleased, if not perfectly.  I know the time approaches for me to become a prince of myself once again.

Stats were good today.  I, however, seem to have lost two pounds?  Not a worry, just... strange.  At this time.  I fed the girls and looked over the wreck of my home.  Yes, she needs some work.  I'll... be on that, too, pretty soon.  Then into the bathroom to tend to nature.  As I was washing my hands I looked up.  I've been seeing this for some time, but today it was... more extreme.  It is almost spooking me, the man in the mirror.  My face is changing.  I am not recognizing he who is in the mirror.  My body is... changing, everywhere, but it is the face that... catches my breath for a second.  I am not sure I like the look.  Not that I was handsome, just that I was familiar with the look.  Oh, I will continue.  It's just shocking to me.  I can't even, yet, quite describe what the difference is.  I will have to deal with my feelings regarding it before I can begin to intellectually quantify the changes.  I'll... figure it out, sooner or later.

Odd thoughts, as I was waking, listening to music, taking that in...

I knew of sex before it could be considered a sin.  As such I don't think of it as a sin.  Oh, sure, I came to understand that if another man had a legal claim, that was a sin.  And I have learned that sex out of marriage, itself, is a sin.  And, yes, I respect that, accept that, acknowledge and surrender to these things.  Yet I knew things that few men and women ever can.  I don't believe that this knowledge or understanding can be known to females, because such things are limited by pain.  While suffering isn't a guarantee of wrongness, we must suffer at times, it is an indication that some things at some times are not right, just as pain might indicate a wound, it can indicate sin.  Males know no such things... mostly.  Our pain, in sex, is so fast it doesn't register consciously, I mean.  My experiences, with this and fighting, war really as war is reduced to two men at a time give or take, have lead me to possible understandings that most will never know.  By the time most encountered either of these facets of human notions they had already been told these things were bad, or wrong, and had them defined biologically, socially, morally, ethically, religiously, and in many other ways... if they didn't fully understand what they had been taught.

When I came to the teaching, I already knew... or believed I knew... what of the teaching was false.  I didn't have to depend on blind people trying to lead me in faith through the unknown, to be sure.  And while my notions where childish, of course, I do believe my notions were far superior to much of what was being taught.  Being told that violence solves nothing, for example, was risible on it's face.  I knew far better.  Being told that females longed for respect and tender emotions, as well, or my reactions to such teachings, almost got me sent to the principles office a time or two.  I simply asked for a bathroom break as a truce, which I used to empty my funny bone.

I have matured.  I understand that there are layers, levels, subtleties, and yet still believe most of that which was taught is incorrect.  I know that while women do not seek such things, for example, in love, they do need them... in the larger context.  If too I am pretty sure men can't offer these things, not rightly, only provide an environment in which a woman may explore or develop their own environment for them.  We, men, can only peripherally be attendant, or more often forgiving, of that nature and need in women.  I still say these notions of what a woman needs has nothing to do with what draws, or keeps her with, a man.  Although, for a wise man who allots time and other resources to allowing his woman to develop these things, there will be a goodly restoration of what was spent, if not in like.  Your gold for her silver and diamonds?  Summit.  I have learned about war, too.  I have seen the ultimate of where it goes, what it costs, even to the victor.  And I am more prepared, than ever, to pay either price, or any of the prices, even as I suffer from some of those costs.

I easily understand, however, that most people can't know what I have seen.  Few have known sinless love or war.  I tell you this... you have much to know.  I hope you see your way to heaven.  I may well be, should I be there, a tutor.  For now, however, and here?  I have much to learn yet.  So, tutor me.  I truly don't understand this world of yours, always, fully, mostly.  I will abide your rules, give or take.  Just... understand we aren't of the same place I think.

Well???

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I was running just a little late, even being up when I had wanted to be, more or less.  But I did make it into the pool.  The same guy I told I would not share my lane with tried to do it again.  He is about 4'8" and 100, soaking wet.  I didn't notice last time, but then I was looking up out of the pool at him last time.  This time he tried to get into my lane right as I was getting to it.  What doesn't he understand about "no"?  Not now, not later, not next month, never.  There simply isn't room for me to share a lane, and I'm not comfortable with that anyway.  Even a pretty girl wouldn't be given that allowance, save my wife, and then only when necessary.  He ain't my wife and isn't even on the list.  *grumbles*  NO!

I swam well again.  Music in the pool is simply... incredible.  Now, I was hitting the stride before I became lax for a bit, but my breaks were much longer.  The music keeps me in touch with time, keeps my mind off the work, and just makes the task more pleasant.  Another few weeks, to a month, and I would guess I will begin swimming a hole hour.  I won't be filling it.  It will be more like how it was when I started on the half hour thing, about that full.  But I see it.  How long it will take me to hit even a solid hour long mile swim is anybody's guess.  The last time I did it it took right at three months, if that was on Ritalin.  You know, with swimming, benching, and Ritalin, all together, that really should have killed me.  I'm not doing weights this time.  And I am monitoring my bp and such.  The heart monitor for the pool may end up being a bust though.  On cavedilol, my pulse may not go up, as it would with a non-medicated swimmer.  I may not have levels like that.  One of the things the medicine does is reduce the pulse.  They must really have thought I was going to pop when, the last time I was on it, my pulse was hitting 120.  Hehe  I shouldn't mess with them, as if I knew any more than they, or had any control.

After swimming, I headed to my see my friend.  No movie today, I simply didn't have time.  But he needed to go to the bank and get some printed temporary checks, as he is nearly out.  Then we went through the drive-through.  I am always starving after a swim and I haven't been keeping up on eggs.  We chatted a bit, and I suggested I would be back with a movie for Friday.  I then headed out with what I thought was plenty of time.  A few of these and those for the KoC meeting.  Okay, Walmart had most of what I needed.  Not everything.  I then began trying to track down the two missing items on my list.  Not here, not there, not... finally I gave up, found an alternative group of items (warm diet soda, ice, and cups).  I checked the time.  Ugh!  Almost 19:30, but the social hour was at 18:30, which means... everything I had just bought was useless, save for next time.  And, being this late, I just decided to wrap it up.  On my way out though I stopped to check on a triple-play movie group... the Batman collection.  Not at Walmart, or the one I checked.  But there was one other place that might carry it.  It is probably the only locally owned book, dvd, and cd store, with some rental capacity, still in town.  And, they had it.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  But of the decent things that have come out in movies, Batman has stayed, to my mind, true to form.  A little darker than the original tv series (thankfully, though I loved it back when, I have simply grown up), but pretty much on track with how I thought, and think, the thing should go.

Hmm, I am now not sure if I should plant more cds into the machine, watch at least one of the movies then do some of that, or kill my sleep patterns and simply watch movies.  Hey, those are my choices.  I'm still burning from missing the meeting.  I hate being an idiot, and I won't go in late unless there is truly no other choice or I am very necessary to a particular process within the meeting.  I just think that being late, without letting people know ahead of time, is rather rude.  That may be my mistake?  Oh, and exercise sort of invigorated me as well, and on top of my search and destroy...uhrm...buy mission.  How could I have become so focused that I lost track of time that badly?  I am trying, and doing better.  I guess I just have a lot more work to do.

Later.

Not bad.

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Sleep was fantastic, as sound as I suspected, healthy and of the right length.  Waking was pretty good.  I took stats, again, finally, after some time off from those.  My weight is staying absolutely rock steady.  In all of my adult life, I have never seen that, gaining and losing as much as 50 pounds in a few months and I have seen a 10 pound shift in a single day.  It doesn't matter what I eat, drink, do or not do... now... 277 even today.  I haven't changed more than a pound (rounded off completely) in... months?  Wow... never mind.  Blood pressure is good.  I am going to test blood sugar later, after I have eaten, probably right before bedtime.

I am beginning to suspect that most men of my age or older are... grumpy old men.  Further, the older we get the more we understand... about life, other people, how things work.  You don't need to be psychic if you have 'been there, done that'.  Further, we become much more cynical, critical, suspect, call it what you will.  We understand that if you throw a rock, it will hit something, and often we have a really good idea what it will hit and what will happen after that.  Which means most men of my age throw carefully, I may be a bit weak in this area.  We know when something is wrong, or right, if men at my age still want to... test that.  But the older you get, the less testing, I suspect, will occur.  Mostly.  I think my problem, compared to other men, is that while I have lived to this age, I am caught between two ages due to my illness.  I have the same time in life experiences as my fellows, but much of it occurred so that I could not remember it.  It might be like a car that was put on blocks with the wheels going.  Lets just assume the odometer kept running.  The cars that have been road driven are... more practical, and a little more beat up.  Engine wear (assuming the pedal and breaks were being used in 'my vehicle' as if road-testing (which I would argue they have been)) is the same, if other parts might not have the same wear.  Then again, 'my car' had been a demolition derby driver before it was put up on blocks.  My vehicle has more damage, but it was... urhm... shortly, sharply, sweetly derived.  It is simply difficult for me to fit in.  If... that isn't even all of it.

I think men of a certain age all have more trouble fitting in than not.  It becomes more difficult to fit in, like old bulls.  Cranky, physically tired just by life at our age, set in ways, and such.  Different things have worn us all down, illness, work, family, duty, guilt, life, time.  Yeah, I don't think I am alone, or as alone as I thought.  I just come at it from such a radically different perspective that I can't always understand what I am encountering.  No, no problem.  It's just that knot the other day, it's been being worked on.  I didn't realize until I heard the *ding, thought is ready for your perusal* thing.  I'm tinkering with it consciously now.  Ever see a kitten stuck in a pile of yarn or a pup tangled up in a shirt?  Well, so goes it.  Still, it's beginning to make more sense.

Up shortly after noon.  I set the alarm to get in the shower before 14:00.  The goal is to be in town, swimming no later than 15:00.  Then I'll take the movies to my friend's place, watch one or two, then go on to the KoC meeting, where we are hoping no lightning strikes.  I do enjoy me some conspiracy theories, theological of nature or not.  I do pull the strings that others have, to see where they go, and I have my own pet ones.  I think this is a man thing, too, though.  Like our techno, mechanical, food, and beer interests.  Men seem to have this small sphere of things that we hold in some kind of commonality.  It starts young, comic books, Boy Scout gear, taking things apart, confusion, distrust, yet interest in girls... it just grows with us.  We don't change all that much if we do get better at making, breaking, and knowing a bit.  That is comforting.  Even there I have seen other things, but the core was built... by the world, nature, family, friends, and myself.

Well...  A bit of reading and then off to the pool.  Good day.

A few more, done for the night.

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It took a little longer than I... well... thought.  Still, I finished the first big cd book.  Along with the other little one and loose uploaded, that leaves one more big cd book.  Thankfully I am actually tired.  I wasn't sure I would be.  As it turned out I had to push to get the last five or ten cds uploaded.  All good.  I should sleep well and hard.  My eyes are barely staying open.  From iTunes, it looks like I put in 38 more cds.  It was more though, some of them were double, up to five cd albums.  Some of my classics collection are just that way.  Tired, for sure.

Weak, in several ways.

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I burned out doing tech stuff, which I am only 2/3rds finished with, at most.  In burning out I also got an addiction going.  I haven't seen the Babylon 5 shows in some time.  Favor them or not, to me they were quite a pleasure.  Something I enjoyed with, probably, the first woman I was trying to love correctly... if we came at the thing from the wrong direction.  In any case, beside enjoying the show, watching them brought back... fond memories.  Popcorn, pajamas, and two 'kids' watching then discussing things... not always politely if usually... about the various shows.  She was the only woman I liked to enjoy my, if secular at the time, sci-fi diversions with... or more, she was the first who actually enjoyed watching them with me... much to both of our surprise as it turns out.  So, when I pulled down the first two seasons, 45 shows in all, I... watched them, almost straight through.

Bah!  Now I need to begin uploading the other half of my music.  My sleep schedule is in shambles, if I think I can begin putting it back together.  I am stronger in that regard now, only my weakness to watch and possibly upload cds might interfere.  Yes, yes, Vir, what is it now?  Never mind...  I did not swim today.  I stayed up until... 9:00?  5:00?  11:00?  Something.  I have been staying up so long between normal things, what little must happen, and watching the series, that I am a bit off in every way.  I did, barely, get the pork picked up and brought home.  So, tomorrow, I should at least be able to swim, even if I begin uploading the remnant of one of my two big cd cases, the little one and strays are mostly already uploaded.  I have one more big one to go.  Or, of 348 cds, that I have found so far, I have 178 cds left to upload.  *shrug*

Whatever else, I suspect I have done a rather good job with the tech and uploading.  I needed the break, if a little more sleep would have, perhaps, been better.  Still, considering that if this had been work, I would have been pulling 12-16 hour days or more, purely working, for the last... week and day or two... I am not totally displeased.  More to go, but then... I can possibly get back to a regular schedule, get my home cleaned up a bit, and prepare to live a bit quieter of a life.  Yes, pleased, if not as pleased if I could have done more.  Some jobs simply preclude more.  And my few days of the series watching R&R is forgivable, in my opinion.

Tomorrow, though, swimming.  Then Friday again.  The rest of this week will probably be uploading cds until it is once and finally done?  Ugh...  Seriously, harsh.  Well, on to doing a bit more uploading, and I am tired enough that I should be in bed so that an early enough rise is possible to be swimming in the early afternoon.  For now that is good enough.

I'm not sure why I have been being upset by things I already knew, and before that spiritual angst.  I don't know what is going on.  No problems, really...  It is winter, and by all rights I should be in as close to a coma as I get.  So that since I am doing anything it probably means I am half pulling myself apart to stay awake and even mostly functioning.  It is almost against... no IT IS against all of my native conditioning by, for, of natural seasonal weather for my entire adult life.  Yes, that would explain my whining.  My body is trying to trip down, my health and will are strong enough to prevent it.  While two of the three sides mean a win for function, a divided house is... contentious.  Yes, maybe.  Then again, I remember times where I was in these sorts of troubles on a weekly basis.  The times have changed, if not all is forgotten.

Good night.

I'm surprised D.C., and, well, anyone reads here.

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In recent reactions with other men, some of whom I suspect very strongly of reading here, I get a mixed signal.  Younger men tend to get it, if not always agree... or sympathize.  If they are too young, or... naive, they don't quite bite.  There is a very strong thinking that all women are like mom, they will find out.  Older, and to be honest more traditionally conservative (if often quite liberal, somehow) men, especially if they have been married to one woman their whole lives, or at least married most of their adult lives, are absolutely shocked, dismayed, and... horrified by what they read here.  Oh, they cover, a bit, as well as they can, but... it's plain to see.

If it were just the "story book" side of things, I could see that.  Some men don't have great imaginings, considerations other than salt and pepper, potatoes and meat, and what is purely real are outside their purview.  These are secular men, as I was before I became ill... and still am in an odd manner.  I suppose they were forced to put up comic books, and to be honest many put religion up with those other than attendance to please the wife, or try to hold their family together, or simply out of habit, in order to be bread winners.  Some men have zero imagination, or even faith, left to them.  I do understand that.  I went through that stage, though at a much younger age, in part due to illness, though it existed before that too, if willfulness played a strong part as well.  I never could tell exactly what all, or when what, was keeping me from the Church, or other "silly" things.

Then again, I do seem rather dogmatic, for a lunatic?  At least now.  And, if a man is in a place where he feels he is walking on ice in life, and has decided women are equal, gays and homosexuality are just fine, or whatever other "liberal" notion, if nothing else because the nag can, well, nag, better than he can or has had the energy to defend, or the boss has said so with his job and career on the line, then he is going to begin defending what he doesn't even believe so that maybe he can at least die in some peace, at home, with a job to the end.  Surrendering is never good, but maybe it is all some men have left, and it's all some men have ever known?  Or maybe he has daughters, and... has surrendered to them... foolish as that is... doting... but irresponsible too.  Still, I get that if I am hoping to be different.

Judgmental, fantasist perhaps, dogmatic, chauvinist if truth is on the side of it, and all the rest.  Oh, I understand.  Don't get me wrong.  It's just that I am not, nor have ever been, typical.  I never bent a knee until I met God, even when beaten save to acknowledge that I indeed lost.  I didn't believe what I was taught, and found my own teachers, often in books, who truly did know more than I, and certainly more and better than the nearly literal revisionist coloring books they handed me in schools, and many of the teachers who really didn't understand what they were teaching, or that they were teaching clearly incorrect ideology rather than subjects.  There were some sharp cookies in various schools, and some 'right' ones, rare as they were.  I did tend to gravitate toward them.  I started with the bible, actually.  I am, damn straight, different.  Most men are broken on the wheel of life.  Even near death I am holding on, holding my own, and not backing down.  Even when wrong, until I can find my own way to correctness or truth.  Not an inch.  So, yeah...  I guess I get that.  It, though, as I wake up, surprises me as much as women do, and their reactions.  I think, to some men, I am a thing to be hated... feared... perhaps mocked behind my back?

Okay, well, that almost worked.

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As I suggested, cutting "work", whatever that may be, should have helped.  And, actually, it did.  It just wasn't enough for today to go forward as planned.  The pork will have to wait, I will not make it to Mass, but I will make swimming and the movies with my friend.  I did sleep well, having been, even if sedentarily actionable, working.  Something about keeping on a task, even without physical exertion, is tiring.  I slept fairly immediately too.  One other issue, I keep missing medicines.  A day and an half was missed in there somehow.  As of yesterday I restarted medicines.  There seems to be no ill effect this time.  As I have suggested, though I am doing better, I am also juggling a lot more eggs.  It is impressive, by my former standards, but eggs are going to drop.  The thing is to recover as quickly as possible.  Which, too, is being performed in a manner that is quite pleasing.

I woke at, say, 9:30.  I could not get going though.  It took a little longer today, in part because I really felt the need for more sleep but pushed waking, all of the hours I have put in this week on various tasks, possibly slight med restart issues, all added onto my normal waking issues.  I'm not, and never will be, a morning man.  Give me noon or give me death?  Well, maybe not quite that bad.  And if I was going to go that way, I would choose 17:00 as my preferred "morning".  It is just that the world doesn't run on my schedule and I am trying to lend to get... involvement.

I did buy something I think I will very much enjoy, the first two seasons of Babylon 5 and one of the made-for-tv shows.  This is something me and my last woman enjoyed immensely.  She surprised me on this one.  I just didn't think she was a sci-fi nut.  And, at first, she wasn't.  But the characters and writing are good enough that, after a time, if you want, you don't even see anything but... people.  The character development is superior.  Then again, she is a Star Wars fan, if I think that was about it.  She started watching just because I was watching, then got hooked.  Hmm...  I am thinking I will try to make her Fire a component of my system, then she can watch these too, and have access to my music and books.  The only thing I want to ensure is that she doesn't have access, even accidentally or incidentally, to my credit.  Teh womenz and teh credit no mixos.  :p  I watched the first one today, while waking.  I couldn't do much else, so... I might watch another.  I can still get to swimming as if I had just gotten out of Mass, so that is good enough, since I can't make Mass today.

Another thing...  As I wake, in the bigger sense, I am beginning to see things a little more clearly.  I have to admit, I have always thought most women were... slow.  I mean, intellectually.  While not quite, mostly, genius myself, I am several steps above average on the bell curve, for whatever that truly means.  I am not bragging to say I am at least 115, though with the heart, exhaustion, other such things, and having good and bad days but mostly bad days, and having been tested up to the 140's, I really don't know.  I might test out when I... heal.  The odd thing is I can easily deal with men of a lower IQ, and women sometimes.  It is just that women often intellectually fumble in our interactions.  I finally figured out, perhaps, part of the problem.  Women can be sexually... distracted.  By me.  No, as I said, I am not a handsome devil.  It is my size, I must presume, or... something else about me.  I actually hadn't considered the former, and I had never really thought the latter was a possibility.  Never mind.  D.C. and Vox have me nearly convinced that looks aren't a major thing for women, within... some tolerances I presume.  Oh, sure, you knew that.  I did not, not until I was further awake, and having more interactions with women in the wild.  When I was younger it simply didn't matter, I wasn't 'there to analyze 'the fish', just look it over, pick a fine specimen, get her wrapped up, and take her home for consumption', since marriage had been given up on, mostly, after a few ftf's.  Yeah, I know, it's just...  sort of novel to me.  Sorry for being so damned attractive, ladies.  :p  At least I don't think of you quite as poorly as before.  I'm seriously serious.  And it does make a huge difference.  Well, fine, some of it might just be the size difference.  Women do, natively, defer.  There is that too, if I am noticing now, dilatations of the eyes in some women, that is how I know.  It's also why a woman will try to hide her eyes sometimes, though that can often just be their native... demure, coy, chaste aspects, when they choose to employ those.  Just... figuring things out, finally. 

I wonder how much else in the world will become more apparent as I wake and interact more?  I'm almost afraid to... look.  I might have to... reevaluate some of my jokes?  Nah.  Well, I could actually improve them though.  Hey!  All is fair in love and war, more so when both are involved, as is the case with women!  *grins*

Ah, just in time.  I ordered some things from Amazon.  Both of the delivery companies were used, and they arrived within minutes of each other, so no worries about packages sitting out all day.  I bought a band workout system, for here at home when I can't make the gym for whatever reason, a couple more swimming goggles, as I lost one, the other leaks a bit and I was down to that one and a really old one that leaked back when, a device that makes taking body measurements easy, and a gas mask with several replacement canisters.  I think they sent the wrong band system, though.  I ordered the 256 (or such) pound system and I am counting just over ~120 pounds of bands.  Gah!  But they do have a phone number to call.  I'll check and make sure I ordered the one I think I did, and if so give them a call.  This will be enough to start out, in any case, for off days.

Well, one more in the series, then a shower, then off to swimming.  Give it your best shot, good luck.

Cutting off work needs to happen a little earlier.

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In spite of, mostly, working since noon, if losing track from time to time while tinkering on this or that, I am not tired.  Then again, it is a sitting job.  It was difficult to stop now.  It seems that I have "lost" a bunch of cds, or there is a collection somewhere else.  In any case, I could easily see the last dozen pages of my cd case.  However, I had set it and I kept to the time.  That won't work.  I need to cut off activities at more like 20:00 I am thinking.  Nothing after that save reading or writing.  I have set the alarm for 7:00.  My goal is to be out of the house by 9:00, heading to the butcher.  If I can't make it until 11:00, then I go to Mass.  If I am later than that, then I just head to swimming.  If it is after 15:00, then I just take the movies and go see my friend.  Rather than trying to force something, then not knowing what to do when that fails, I have started making these variable sorts of plans.  It looks good on paper, anyway.  I have the dvds in my duffle bag, ready to go this time.

I thawed a bowl of my extra-warm chili.  I needed something meaty and immediate.  Well, that was the plan.  It took over an hour to thaw what of it I did get thawed.  The middle 1/4 was still frozen, but I was able to scoop out enough of the rest as it is a big main bowl, for a serving sized bowl.  It seems to have lost some of the heat, or I am getting a bit more used to the heat.  Then again, as hot stuff to my tastes do, I felt like lights where a little brighter.  I am not sure if that is a vitamin C hit, or truly a thing from hot foods?  No, if it were a vitamin hit, orange juice would do that.  Thawing took way *say it together* longer than I thought it would.  So, it is almost 1:00 as I prepare for sleep.  Tomorrow is looking iffy.  I'll do what I can.

Good night.

A little self constraint tonight.

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Okay, so I lost track and like the hound that can't hear well or otherwise doesn't feel the need to return when the bugle is sounded, I ran that fox through hill and dale, over and under bridges, through logs, along fences, through rivers, and wherever else I... though it might be leading.  At least the fox never actually lost me.  And I didn't explode my heart from exertion.  But I need to... figure that out.  So, tonight, I am setting my limit at 22:00, or about another hour and a half, of putting cds in.  After that, blogging, reading, whatever.  No more caffeine for the night, either.  I actually stopped caffeine a couple of hours ago.

The goal is to be up early tomorrow, get a shower and dress, then pick up the pork.  After getting that and bringing it home, then make it to Mass, then to swimming, remembering the DVDs to watch with my friend.  Finally the last of the day will be spent with my friend, watching movies I don't have to worry about shielding my eyes from, or really hating the stupid dialogue, foolish notions, or just downright evil intent of the writers who try to convince people that evil is just as good as good.  I think my friend will enjoy, probably all, of these movies.  We might watch one, perhaps two if he wants.  Next Friday we could end up watching the last two.  After that?  I wonder if he has seen The Prince's Bride?  I have some old Westerns, too.  Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, perhaps among others.  He didn't quite get Fight Club, so I'll choose which movies to take with that in mind.  Did I mention that processing the hog was only, I think they said, about $130?  For some reason I was thinking it would be nearly double that.  All very good.

The frustrating thing is that the speed of the work is extremely limited.  Although it is actually much faster than the way it used to be... that is true.  The other frustration is that there isn't much else you can do while uploading cds.  Ah well, it's coming along, finally.  I think I tried to encode cds and movies on my last computer but it kept dying, I kept getting sidetracked on the task, and finally I just gave it up.  Then again, I think it took nearly ten minutes per, or more, cd.  This is taking probably half that, sometimes less.  Still... *ugh*

Judgment and a 15 degree list to the port?

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Every once in a while I receive a... psychic question.  I mean, I get the hint that someone is questioning something.  Sometimes I just think about things I have seen, heard, said, written, or otherwise have been exposed.  In this case, it is a mental thing, from someone exterior to myself, but it got me thinking.

What is judgment, really?  Well, there are definitions.  You could look it up.  You will probably find a number of definitions.  You can look at the root of the word and the additions to it, and try to say, if those can be interpreted differently, that those are the 'true' meaning.  Or you can just make it up, or depend on what you have seen, heard, and read where the term has been applied.  In the end, for me, the term means: to differentiate, and differentiate as pretty much a final answer.

From this, one could say that we cannot judge.  But that would be incorrectly applied.  While it is true that we cannot judge men, we can definitely judge actions, and more specifically actions taken by men.  Actually, whether by law or faith, we would not have either if we did not judge.  Sins are easy to see.  Did the object that was at this specific place get removed against the wishes of the legal owner?  Yes.  The only question is, who did it.  That is for law to decide.  The sin is for the Church.  We can, if we see it, know we saw a man sin.  We can judge the action.  And for bad actions, there are consequences, some consequences are of men, some of God.  Although I would like to believe that consequences men impose are mirrors of God's intent.  Paying a temporal fee for a sin does lessen, temper, the spiritual price, more so if accompanied by regret and the rest.  Now, if you saw a brother pick something up and then think to secret it away, wouldn't you suggest he not, and save a bunch of potential future hassle?

If a man, your brother perhaps, was pouring gasoline on himself, suggesting he was going to light himself on fire because he saw it at YahooTube.cob and it looked neat, what would you do?  Would you suggest a.) you have matches and a video camera? b.) suggest you wouldn't mind watching? c.) ask if he has any understanding of the mechanisms involved, check to see he has taken precautions to ensure his safety, then a or b from above, or d.) suggest that this is an unwise, wasteful, dangerous experiment, no matter his precautions, and that he should find some other pursuits if he has that much time on his hands, and at least c if all else fails, if telling him to do it away from you and yorn if he must be foolish would be even wiser?  How much more so when it comes to a soul?  I can't make people do, or not do, anything.  I can ask that they not do, or fail to do, some things around me.  I am not willing to pay spiritually, physically, emotionally, or in any other way, for someone who is self-destructive.  I don't want to watch a fool burn to death.  I don't want him running around lightly my house or outhouses or lawn or vehicle or myself on fire either.  If I see him on fire, sure, if I can (not always possible if I don't have something to use) I will try to put him out, call for help, and stay with him.  But I don't choose that, and he has sinned against me by bringing that to me, openly, unapologetically.  So, yes, I will judge.  I will do the the same for sin.  Nip it in the bud.  And I will ask those who cannot accept God's laws and truths to either keep their failures to themselves, sharing with the priest as is necessary, or to stay the hell away from me.  Be it sexual deviance, drug abuse (any but medical use), unwelcome violence.  As well, despite that I am sinful, I will keep my indiscretions between myself and my priest, God already knows and He knows I'm on that...  as well as I am able...  fumblethumbs and willful still that I be.  Why is it that people used to know these things and now they simply... don't?

Oh, as to health...  Yeah, well, I am doing a LOT better.  But I am still a weakling, in many ways.  While I have been putting in solid hours, it is disturbing other advances.  Right now, my world has finally advanced to nearly perpetual consciousness, save literally when I am asleep.  But with the explosion of health comes a primordial goo of creation that I seem to be stuck in as well.  Call it a quickening placenta?  Something.  I don't know if I am quite breathing on my own, or such.  But I am closing on that.  My whole world is a bit shaky.  I thought being better would just be better.  Sort of like a baby must think that getting out of the womb HAS to be better.  Then he gets out and is IMMEDIATELY hit by the cold, then realizes he has no food, and finally begins to realize... he can't even crawl!  He pwn'ed the womb!  But this?  Well, my life, right now, is either nearing the rebirth or just after.  It's ugly, it's gooey, it's wet, it's cold, it's big.  Things are starting to come into focus, or is that the light at the end of the tunnel? 

If I had to guess, I would say it will take a year and another 10% to 15% heart improvement to actually get out of this stage.  Still, it sure beats the stages I just advanced through.  I am, truly, about typically human now, by feel and consciousness, if still week as a babe regarding stamina.  I can absolutely crush fingers though, so...  I just have more drive.  Perhaps, waking mostly from a nearly 2.5 decade sleep, the drive I had when I crashed simply remains.  Perhaps I have always been much more driven.  I can't tell why, only that I am very driven.  Where I am supposed to go with that drive is anybody's guess though.  I depend on God to show me, for I am blind... I see now.

Still, I can't even be totally displeased with this week.  Actually, I have nothing to be displeased about so far.  While I can't seem to do things I had planned, I am doing something, things on my list, it is just that they are *lets say this together* taking way more time then I thought.  Actually, I have done many things.  From several hardware and software tasks, to swimming, to setting up my first swim lesson, to getting my friend needed groceries, to setting up my ipod and learning itunes at least well enough for my current needs, to getting a large portion of my music collection, and ongoing, to a safer place.  And I didn't stop because I was tired, bored, hit a break (just did other things when I hit those), or just because I ran out of steam.  It's just that, even now, this is a third to a quarter of how well I should be operating.  I might not even be on the razor blade between life and death, if I am still certainly far closer to death than life.  The path I walk has widened.  I might even call it merely a treacherous path now! 

Never mind, just... got that strong sense that I should write about defining judgment and the other just sort of crept in.  Later.

Ta pig, she flies... with lipstick? And another she... is back. Gah!

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Well, maybe not quite.  But the hog has been given it's last rights, proper care, and packaging plus a bit of smoking and curing, and is ready for my delicate preparations for final disposal... near final.  :p  And guess who is back?

Something about sleeping, waking, and working again.  Yeah, yeah, okay.  I got it.  But when I am on something, and seemingly healthy enough to chase it, I do tend to work myself to the bone.  At least, going to bed at 5:00... 6:00... 7:00... later?  I was up by noon.  A phone call sort of got me going, about the pig, lipstick, flying...  Don't expect things to make logical sense at some points.  I just hope I didn't say anything funny about what was going through my mind, like... if it has wings, can you just hook those up to a battery, and send it to my address?  When dreams and real life conversations collide... it is kind of funny.  She's still looking at me funny, isn't she?  Gah!

I keep uploading cds and keep seeming to get so very few on no matter how fast I work.  I have, 123 albums and 1443 "items", uploaded, after about a day and a half to two days in real hour terms, assuming an 8 hour day, I would guess.  That is, I think right at a half to a third of what has to go on.  I wasn't sure, during the call, if I would be getting up any time soon, so I asked if I could pick up the pork tomorrow.  Tomorrow is fine, and I bet Saturday would even be fine.  It... isn't going to just walk off.  I may try to figure out getting in today, but no promises.  Otherwise it will be Saturday.  I have too much going on tomorrow and I am psychically stuck on the cds.  What was the old lore about throwing down sesame seeds, and a vampire was required to count them?  Something.

Oh, right, an old question.  And I just answered it actually.  In some lore, giants, nephilim, are considered the origins of what we now call vampires.  Not because they drank blood, per se, though it was thought they did pretty much whatever they wanted as they couldn't really be easily stopped.  (Like the joke, what does a 350 pound canary eat?  Whatever it wants!)  It was that they were notoriously hard to kill, thus things like the stake through the heart, burning, even thinking holy water or the crucifix would help.  None of the latter type of things work, of course, as such are beings of flesh too.  Best to, as I have suggested, use a firearm, shoot me a couple of times near where the spine and skull meet, then chop off my head... to be sure.  That was before I was forming the notion of the possibility of being a giant more, for those who have an interest in seeing me dead.  I only offered that advise to save them and me a lot of trouble, mind you.  I'm polite that way.  There were other things, like being very private, the sometimes ability to get in regular people's minds, and being... different in other ways.  No flying, turning into bats or wolves, or much else truly supernatural.  But vampires are from that mythology, and Lilith is the mother of both the children of Cain who bear the mark and nephilim.  Two different blood lines, for sure.  Not at all... allied blood lines, either.  Their is such great enmity between the two that I am surprised their hasn't been all out war.  Then again, one is exceedingly plentiful, populating a whole continent(s?) and then some, if that is held as the truth of such, while the others are only coalescing as genetically functional bodies become available, and are relatively rare yet.  Such was Lilith though.  Divided houses and all seems to be one of her inherent things.  Never mind.  Just stories for grown children.  Boo?

Hmm, no, I won't make it to the butcher today.  June, June, June...  Please stop?  I know, I know...  I just... gotta... do this!

Good day.

Didn't I just get told that I couldn't stay up and...

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Yeah, yeah, I got that.  And I just said that I needed to create a platform to prepare for sleep.  And I just ignored it all, with my nose in the machine.  While I figured this and that out, loaded my ipod, learned a bit about itunes, uploaded a third of my cds now, it is 4:50 and there is no way...  So, whatever.  I am going to just continue feeding this danged monster until I am out of discs.

On the good side, putting the new battery into the motherboard has brought several other improvements.  First, I don't have to remember to reset the time every time I turn on the machine.  But before that, I don't have to hit 'f4', then choose to exit setup without making changes, hoping in my sleepiness that I didn't hit anything else and that I hit that button and not the save and close button.  I think several other things seem to work better as well.  It was difficult getting going on this.  It was a loaner, and I guess now a trade, on the machine I took in to be fixed.  He wanted the old case, I guess he got it.  The insides were busted up, and his attempts to fix something cosmetic that wasn't a problem I had asked him to fix pretty much killed the machine, so...  that's just how it goes.  Anyway, between exhaustion and waiting, this machine has finally been made fully functional... within it's limits.  I also put the other batteries in their perspective components.  Finally, on so many things...

I am having to take time, loading the cds though too.  The disc player gets really hot.  If that weren't an issue... it would still take a lot of time.  It's just one of THOSE jobs.  Since today is tomorrow, I have a pretty good idea what I will be doing most of the day.  Oh, if I didn't mention it, the swimming coach did reply.  At the rates, and frequency of sessions, she would be willing to consider I think I can, if just barely, swing it.  I hope the V.A. will offer to compensate, but if not I should be able to work on this on my own.  Yeah, I'll be scraping bare bottom.  But I am hoping lessons will improve my skills quickly enough that I can then join the group class... after a bit of a financial break where I just work the training and enhance capacity.  I've let her know when and where I prefer, so I'm hoping to here back, and maybe meet her Friday or something, to seal the deal.

Well, back to feeding this stupid thing.  Later.

That's just rude!

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Right at all night, give or take time for dinner, a very little bit of walking off the strain of sitting, although with a goodly bit of time trying to figure out playlists, which I am still suffering, and some other things.  It seems there are often two ways to do anything through itunes, at least.  However, if you do things one way, some options close to you.  Now, you don't always know you are closing options, mind you.  Right now I am trying to figure out how to get a few songs off the damned thing.  It seems, unless I wasn't doing it right of course, that if you bulk port a playlist, you then can't remove a song?  So, I reset the ipod, as I haven't found a way to get the songs off at all once they are bulk loaded through syncing, now I am trying to load them manually, sort of, from the playlist.  Gah!  I did end up putting 93 albums into itunes though, and I do have a pretty good setup for the swimming playlist.  I am not sure, though, how much more I want to put on the playlist, and I definitely need to tinker with that playlist, and possible another for more relaxed listening... or whatever other things I might consider.  The X'ter has a port for an ipod.  I may have to see if that works with the shuffle at all, or as I would like it.  I have been considering a larger ipod, one that I could use for biking and the X, which carries my whole music library, if I think the sound is worth it.  Years out, mind you, I have a few other prep things left...  like a wheat grinder.

Update.  I figured it all out and the ipod is both set up with the playlist I want, I know how, and have arranged so that I can add and remove songs as I wish.  All is golden.

Maybe not so much?

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I started putting CDs into the external drive as I was preparing, mentally, to get to a few other things.  I am pretty much still doing that.  I have 54 or 55 CDs uploaded.  On the other hand, I thought someone was coming over, if nothing else to watch as I worked on the snow blower.  They didn't show up.  I lost track and just kept going on the CDs.  I thought I would take a little break from that, to create a "swimming" play list.  I think it will work, as I add more albums, putting them, I hope, into my "all" folder.  If... it does what it is supposed to do and I tell it, or have to tell it how do do that?  Huh?  Never mind.  I will probably figure it all out.  That is... a fifth to a seventh of my collection.  The drive was getting a little warm, anyway, so a switching of gears was probably advisable.  Oh, I have heard that you can also 'crack' or such movies, then upload those to itunes.  But with those, you have to obtain free or paid software, figure out what format you want it in then put it on your computer, then upload it.  I haven't even decided on a program (or two, as some do not decode newer movies, needing a second add-on program).  No, I'll do that later.  It is simply good to not have to worry, fully, about losing all of my CDs and DVDs, so it is worth investigating.  Just knowing which format to put it in, though, is nerve-wracking. 

That means, of course, that the snow blower was not repaired.  That will happen, soon.  Nor was my home tended.  Perhaps this weekend?  I guess things take as much time as they take, right?  Still, while I am just sitting here, to, I am decidedly not just sitting here.  And while this is silly work, to a degree, it is one-time silly work, mostly... once I figure a few things out.  While iTunes is great in some ways, it sometimes has the intuitive feel of building a car from scratch, assuming you are a secretary.  Urhm, I mean it is as friendly as a feral cat.  Or, don't try this at home without a kid present to help, the first time!  Never worry, I am both a boy at heart and a techy.  Or, becoming one again.  Every once in a while, when I have been more fit in these last decades, I have done some... rather technical things.  But with memory and such being what it is, or was(?), little of it stuck from this time to the next on to now.  But the native interest, curiosity, basic talents, are all still there.  This doesn't actually count as techy, mostly.


I was starting to think the girls were... doing odd things in my laundry.  My shirt, yesterday, one of those artificial material thermals, was smelling truly terrible.  It smelled more of animal than of fear sweat, if that does happen even now from time to time if fading.  I changed to a different one and I now believe it is simply that those types of shirts become rank very quickly.  It smells like, and I thought maybe the girls had pouted and done so, cat urine.  Nope, just synthetics and mostly normal perspiration.  Just so you know.  At least I know my sniffer still works.

Hmm, back to business.  Oh, was interrupted while typing, so tinkered before I remember to finish this.  I did figure out how to install just the "swimming" playlist.  I have plenty of room for specific songs from the rest of my music too, mostly.  It's amazing how much fits on even this little chip of a music player.

(Don't let the picture fool you, the holder must be a midget on top of being a woman.  The thing is about equal to the tip of two of my fingers, from the last knuckle to the tip.  My thumb completely blots out the center silver piece.  And while I am large, for my size I have... I'm almost embarrassed about this... petite hands.  It is about as thick as two quarters.  It is said to hold 500 songs, though I think that assumes rather short typically pop-songs, if I will know more as soon as I get the rest of my music uploaded.)

Okay, I am pushing things.

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I need to learn how, and when, to begin backing down for the day.  While I can run a good, and hot, 18 hour day, maybe more, I will not stop.  I have no breaks on my "machine".  After decades of pushing every chance I got because that was the only way to even get a bit of this and that done, now that the world is opening up, I don't have breaks.  I never needed them!  I usually do enough that I could possibly be worn out by it, especially on swim days.  But that isn't enough.  There has to be a 'work shoulder', some period of time where work, and thinking (other than maybe reading or a mild post), and passion must be set aside.  I don't like the notion of television, I don't like where the crafters of such lead people's minds.  I'll figure something out.  My guess is somewhere between 17:00 and 19:00 I have to knock things off.

While I didn't stay up until 4:00 or later, I did stay up later, again.  That isn't necessarily a problem, but with the sort of long day and heavy output it was this time.  I woke late too, again.  I couldn't sleep well.  Tossing and rolling and trying every trick I could remember.  Sleep simply would not arrive.  As I said, I need a soft, then softening, landing of body and mind to ease me into that.  I may need a bit more physical, as well, during the day.  To be honest, house cleaning and my pet projects might be enough, physically, on my non-exercise days.  Just an hour or two of this, then a few hours of that, two or three sessions a day, but regularly.  It is a matter of getting in the habit.  I am still not sure how much I can honestly handle.  I am so used to, pretty much, living in a deep freeze where everything could be exhausting so I had to push when a window was available.

In other words, I didn't get to housecleaning this morning, barely making it out of bed in time to see the morning.  I will be working on the snow blower shortly, in any case.  And I do hope to get back in, after, take a break, then hit my home a bit.  The laundry will be gathered, taken back, and then sorted.  At least one load will probably make it through, maybe two.  Dishes need to be sorted, and I'll wash at least one load, soaking the rest.  And a lot of picking up and straightening needs to occur.  If I can just pick up trash and empty waste bins, that will be a start.  Oh, and I ended up tinkering last night.  I was a little high on my various successes.  But the swim yesterday was beautiful, and that did surprise me.  So, I never did get to trying the dvd player, let alone uploading my music.  That can be what I do during my breaks.

Ah, well, I'm... still rather pleased with what is going forward.  But today, I need to try and tire myself, then begin learning to relax for sleep.  How do you even hit the break?  Is their a psychic button, is it a mental lever, or is it supposed to be automatic?  I... honestly don't know!

Later.

That was a fantastic day.

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Sure, a day late.  Yes, I missed Mass.  Then I got busy.  First, to the pool.

I was a little unsure.  It has been a while since I swam.  The thing is, I think I am still nuclear from the swimming I have done.  I mean, I am still physically jacked, and possibly still, somehow, growing from that.  I'm telling you, my body just isn't normal... or maybe that is normal to be still hot a week and a half later?  Never mind, the point is... I was shaking in my boots a bit.  All went smoothly, getting in, changed, and to the pool.  I had to wait a bit for a lane to open, which was fine.  It gave me a bit of time to get the ipod going.  Finally, a lane opened.  *splash*

I did really well.  I hit it like a hound on the trail.  If you are an audiophile, be prepared to be disappointed.  I don't think it is the greatest sounding device to begin with, but with your ears going under water then out, plus water getting into the ear canal, it can be a bit rough.  But for me, they were beautiful!  I absolutely loved it.  My one worry with it is how long will it last?  It's pretty pricey for a disposable.  I've heard they last a year or two, and on to three or four years.  Now, there is a water-tight case, which you could double up the longevity.  The real problem with that is the case is pretty pricey too, and I am not sure how long an ipod really lasts, in any case?  I'm thinking.  However, if I had to say something about them, I would equate them to a mechanical (sound is mechanical you know) Ritalin.  A woman was walking from my end of the pool toward the exit, beside my (outside) lane.  She was walking at about a normal pace and had 15 feet on me.  I had just gotten back from a lap, but I wanted to see if I could keep up with her.  Actually, I was catching her, for a while.  She must have seen Jaws, though, and had a flashback from it.  She picked up the pace the last 15 to 20 feet.  *grin*  "Oh my!"  I had to have been swimming three miles an hour, then maybe four.  But when she got to five, she lost me.  Should have seen the two hogs in her gunny sack fighting back and fourth to get her out the door though!  *oink, oink*  (No, she wasn't fat, well, save that she is a woman, and that's where bacon goes, thankfully... a larder?  :p )

Oh, I had a blast in the pool.  I really put some heavy work into it, and feel great for it.  The music kept me up, so rests were shorter.  While I didn't get the most distance ever, I would guess I got some of my best times in.  It just felt good to be back in the pool.  For an old, mostly dead, guy, I think I am doing some serious swimming.  I haven't heard anything back from the coach.  So, who knows with that.  Probably saw doomd forev and that was that?  Ah well.  I can't remember the password for my... copacetic email.

I then headed to Lowe's, and picked up what I think is a slightly shorter belt.  I skipped the lights, for now, just didn't want to mess with that today.  I then headed to Best Buy, turned in the memory and exchanged it for an external disc drive.  Nothing fancy, but they were out of their cheapos so not the cheapest either.  Which, actually, is where I usually shop anyway, that price range.  The nice thing is, when this computer dies, I'm not out anything save the required memory.  That should work swell.  Finally, I headed to Walmart, for the batteries, some groceries, and this and that.  I remembered to call my friend.  He still needed eggs and a gallon of milk did sound good, so I got and delivered that.

That, my friends, is a successful day.  Actually, the culmination of several good functional days.  I keep missing Mass, but I'm still working on it.  I still have a problem or three with sleep, but I am able to pull back, give or take, for the first time in decades.  I am gaining control.  I am getting stronger.  I am getting faster.  I am getting smarter.  I am staying with tasks.  I am... pleased.

Let me see, tomorrow?  Actually yet today...  I am hoping this cd player just simply plugs and plays.  If so, I will be uploading, or something, my CDs to iTunes.  If I get that done, and there is time, I will begin loading my ipod with a much more precise song list.  Tomorrow I am hoping to dig into my house in the morning, then work on the snow blower in the afternoon.  Thursday will be a day off.  Though if I have made progress on my home, I may do little things here and there to top that off.  Friday, another swim day.  Plus I told my friend I would bring a movie.  Actually, I'll be taking Screamers, Riddick trilogy, and Unbreakable.  He should find something he likes, though I am hoping he likes Screamers.  It's... my top flick.

Beautiful.

Later.

Ah well.

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I did get my cloud from Amazon transfered to iTunes.  I then loaded my ipod with everything from iTunes.  I even learned how to craft my play list for the ipod.  I even did it and was to bed by midnight, which in theory should have seen me to an early rise.  As is, I was not out of bed until right at 10:00.  I had the alarm set for 7:00, reset it for 9:00 when I finally was able to shake out of the covers, and as I said didn't actually rise until 10:00.  Further, my butt was, and is, dragging.  There was no way for me to make it to Mass on time.  I will simply go swimming and keep trying to fit Mass in.  My guess is I was still a bit jacked about having worked through so many little and big problems!  I simply could not get to sleep last night to save my life.  I... can be excitable, if you might not know it from just looking.

No, no worries.  I simply could not fall asleep.  It will happen and there probably isn't a whole lot I can do about it.  Sometimes I will be able to work through it and get up anyway, sometimes not so much.  I still have a bundle of things to do.  Swimming, first, with a functional ipod.  Then to several stores.  I will probably take the extra memory back, use that to partially finance a new cd player.  Then to another store for batteries, and I will call my friend and see if he needs eggs still and maybe milk?  Then on to the hardware store to look at the belts again and maybe pick up two more light fixtures and bulbs.

I did shoot off an email last night, to one of the swimming coaches, the one that had been recommended.  Look, I am not going to be a model student.  I am working around a health issue the size of a house.  But, I won't be a crisis waiting to happen, either.  And, as hard as I swim, I really do need guidance before I injure my shoulders.  As well, having a coach means I can ask for advice when I get so dang tight.  I just hope she isn't into static stretches.  I was hoping to have an email back, but not so far.

I still need to do even a bit more waking up.  I won't say I am pleased, perfectly.  But I won't jump on my butt either.  I have been hitting things pretty hard and doing a pretty good job of a few fine little messes.  I am keeping up on my projects, and getting in more than I would have thought possible.  I hit breaks, and get to them the next possible chance I get.  And while something often gets forgotten or overlooked, it does eventually and relatively quickly get amended too.  I just won't, can't, let a few dropped eggs cause me to beat my chest, lament, and tear my clothes!  Especially while, when I am out, I get 20-somethings to 40-somethings flirting with me hellaciously.  'Dang butterfly... da-dang... fluttering eyelashes.'  (Who coulda said that?  Bueller?  Bueller?)

Well, a few things, then a shower, then into the drink.  Good day!