Better.

.
.
The pain has migrated from legs, to hips, and on to the lower back at full intensity.  It seems to be slowly disappearing into my upper abdomen.  It's still a bit rough.  Time will heal that too.  With the odors handled, dishes done, litter being looked after more closely, just a bit of laundry is all that is needed actually.  Hmm, well trash and recycling need to go out as well.  And I think I can do the kitchen table and counter tops tonight with ease.  Perhaps get sweeping in.  Save the dishes, the work has been piecemeal and in small batches.  Even so I am getting ahead and staying there.

The call came, dinner was to arrive in 15 to 20 minutes.  Time enough for a shower, thought I.  Well, I meant to shower yesterday but didn't get to it, so all good.  Just as I was getting out the doorbell sounded.  Ruh-rho...  Ogres, for all our problems, can indeed dress like the wind!  Meh... I need a little push once in a while.  Well... I thought it was funny.

Uhrm, wait... I have an appointment in the morning, in SLC.  So a long drive.  The goal is to be out by 5:00, so as to miss the heaviest of traffic both going and returning.  Although there is something I may try to ferret out as a side bit of personal business on the way, and perhaps lunch somewhere if that will help me avoid heavier traffic or kill time waiting for what I am seeking to be available.  After a bit of digging, if it will be a bit tight, I should be able to do part of what I hoped to do.  The other part seems to be Saturday, or by appointment otherwise.  *shrug*  I will have to start out a bit earlier though.  Starting at 4:00?  Yeah.  But that is actually good since I won't be getting up, just trying to stay awake to get there.  I might be able to take care of the one thing locally, still... thinking...

My sleep has been highly variable lately.  The start time for the trip is right around, plus or minus four hours, my bedtime.  So... this is going to be a bit of an ugly trip.  I may take a nap later.  That might help, or hurt, but usually helps.  Life is a gamble.  Just going with the odds, even if they were honest, is not a winning strategy.  Actually, there is no pure winning strategy, only risk with mitigating options, when available.  If life is all, it is a sucker's bet.  Which... is the matter regarding my other business while in "town".  Tend what you may, suffer the rest.  I intend to tend, "today".

I noticed something else.  I still haven't reset medicines.  How I can forget such a vital thing I don't know.  Perhaps I needed a little rest from medicine.  I have gotten some things done, so there is that.  Medicine is like exercise.  It might be good for you, but sometimes... we have no choice but to take a rest from it.  Even the wicked are offered reprieve, innit?  I have done, honestly, what I could.  In all ways, even when I do nothing I am contemplating action and function.  Yes, yes, today... probably.

Later.

Does pain improve?

.
.
Just chuckling at the notion.  My legs have been sore from bending.  My lower back decided it wasn't getting enough attention, so it too has started to hurt.  The pain is easily light enough, even if I am limping around as if I were the old version of what a 90 year old meant.  I had to add that because I met an 83 year old, not many years back, who could beat his grandson at squash.  Then again, perhaps he was unique?  Anyway.  Despite the extra pain, I think that means things are improving.  Like it being coldest just before, and perhaps even as, the sun rises, so too it seems to work with pain.  The body is grumpy.

I kept thinking today was Sunday.  I have checked three times that I remember, and just now again.  When the internal calendar is off it seems that there isn't always a way to reset it.  I will focus on the fact that today is Saturday and try to breath the fresh air of reason.  Well, it could work, in theory.  While gimped as I am, I won't be able to do a great deal of work.  Standing, beside tiring me as it usually does, also hurts more.  Still, I would like to clear out the recycling and gather more for trash day tomorrow.  Further, I am thinking I can at least clear the counters and table, mostly.  That way, when I do get to the few dishes, I can wash those areas well, clean out the microwave, and be ready for floor treatments.

Oh, sure.  Just a bit at a time.  A little here, a little there.  But I am getting far ahead of the game.  I am gaining much more ground that I am losing to living life.  It's a nice little niche.  I would like to slingshot that right into a whole cave cleaning process, then try to maintain that.  So many variables, so many pitfalls, such a long way to drop even from this low vantage... worth the risk.

Be well!  Hmm...  A beer or two?  You know, that might not be bad, with a bowl of beans and rice, a few tortillas, and a movie.  There are several old movies I keep in store, things I find acceptable in my view of things.  Oh, and since the hunger is finally gone, I have no problems tasting the hops and barley.  In humble moderation albeit.  Later.

Neither matans nor mid-day?

.
.
Waking at 14:00, give or take, I must assume, for me, the liturgy of the hours would recommend matans.  However, being mid-day, it should be one of those prayers.  Without surety I will simply offer music that fits to the best of my understanding?  As I suggested, while I might be monk-like, or even nearly a hermit, and I choose holy over secular, allowed to through mechanism I don't fully understand, but just as much forced to do so by an ill body, I am in no way called to that life or that way, merely stuck with it.  Unlike them, I am not a vocational representative of the notion.  In other words, I make a poor hermit!

Still, I do with what I have and make use of it as I may.  I don't have the focus, discipline, ability to follow a leader, or even the call to it.  But neither is it a suffering, in itself, as I have come to know it.  So, don't conflate my situation with that of those who have taken chosen that mantle, then earned it.  I certainly don't make that mistake.  I merely note the parallel.  I won't say I am jealous of the real monks and hermits, if I do support them, and hold them in high esteem.  I have only visited one monastery, if I would like to visit others.  More to see how they do things and see where I can pick up tips for my accidental near hermitage.  I don't need quietude, merely training in it.  I could never take a vow of silence, if some might suggest none should more than I!  All I have to say about that is... "Hush"!  :p

See, I seem forced to write two paragraphs to introduce a "morning" song, to follow my plea for clemency and in seeking peace from the actions of yesterday.  On with the music.

[lyrics]

 My legs are still very sore.  I'm simply not used to kneeling for hours, and working in that position.  Not many adults are, though.  Still, I got a huge load, several loads, of dishes completed, then took a shower, and still got out.  No blood if I am still calling foul.  I am tending that with what I have at hand.  You know, sinning doesn't hurt only others, it hurts the self.  I can't correct the rest, at this point, so I will put balm on self.  At least I do know that much.

What today?  I dunno!  With the dishes mostly cleaned, I might finish the pieces I used to make rice and beans, and the bowl and spoon used to eat some, then hit the countertops and kitchen table, sweeping and vacuuming after.  That will really put me back in a position to begin unpacking.  I have an "early" trip Monday.  I would call it midday for me, considering my sleep is off.  My "day" is again advancing, though.  I never can tell what my "day" will look like, in the 24-hour period, even a few days hence, as it doesn't follow a routine and the alarm clock isn't working well in helping me re-establish a normal day.  I can only try, aim at a goal, and see what happens.

Later.

Musical prayer.

.
.
Might not seem like the right note to find peace to some.  But it seems quite right to me.


Another, to reset things.  And following the time and ending of the day.


Good night.

Too hungry.

.
.
I got the shower taken.  A very nice thing.  I was going a bit stir crazy, being both hungry and from lack of nicotine.  Full moon, or close enough, if I don't really buy the stories that go with a full moon.  Placebo affect, as to increased crime rate.  Or possibly it's just that a full moon offers a lot more light for nefarious activity?  Still...  Add that on top of the fact that I really have been stirring things up, things I usually leave sleeping, in order to deal with medication.  Successfully at times, not so much of late, but... that part of me was awake.  It just isn't a good mix.

I was fighting traffic all the way in to town.  People would pop out on the road, right in front of me, then drive 45 miles an hour in a posted 55.  I had no idea when the shops would close to buy the items I really needed.  I need to buy in bulk because I don't know when I might be able to make it to town again.  Then I got onto the four lane and people were racing to see how slowly they could drive in unison.  Fine, fine, I negotiated as I could.  Nerves fraying.  I get through that traffic, to my shop, get out, grab my... where is my wallet?  No!  Back through all that traffic, back to the cave, in to get the wallet, then back through that wretched traffic.  It was no better the second time.  Then I get behind someone driving 45 in the fast lane of the two lane road, with the slow traffic doing the same speed and no one in front, no line of cars slowing things down, no nothing.  I make sure my windows are rolled up because I am about to yell and I want it to be private.

Have you ever seen six people in a car all jump out of their seats just a bit?  I did.  Wasn't the first time I yelled tonight, either.  But I always thought the shout was bottled.  Urhm.  No, I won't do that again.  I didn't mean to do that.  I don't want to do that.  That wasn't my intent.  I didn't even think I COULD yell that loud.  I don't want any part of that kind of... sentiment.  No matter how it seems, or even the truths of things, that isn't where I want to go, how I want to lead my life, or how I want to interact with other people.  Only if forced, not by choice.  I lead such a quiet life, not a monk mind you, but along those lines.  My girls get fussy when I talk too much or too loudly, because it is so strange to them.  Often I whisper.  Oh, I growl, and do a special sort of throat growl or grumble or mumble, but... quietly, softly, often very under my breath.

No, I... have to change my ways.  I won't go that way.  One of them, a college guy, did turn around and look into my cab.  Being night, and with the lights, there is no way he could have seen in.  But I could see him.  The expression on his face... he was afraid.  I don't want any part of that.  I will spend an half hour a day praying on just this for a week.  Well, praying, and just... listening.  Yes...  And then make it an ongoing weekly half hour, just for that, special prayer time.  I don't want to go there.  Hmm, no, I mean... I won't go there.

I am sorry.  I can't change what happened, but I can change the future.

Later.

Alcholo, tobacco, and firearms?

.
.
Well, no alcohol.  While I do like a drink once in a while, I just can't tolerate much, or often.  And honestly, though I used to love vodka, it just doesn't work for me anymore.  Maybe because it doesn't work with my soda of choice these days.  Beer is okay, but better after a hot day, and just one or two, mostly.  Oh, sure, the blue moon can make imbibing less of a want and more of a sort of comfort.  Biting leather straps does only just so good, and no other mechanism allows my system to decock and unload half so safely.  Uhrm, in the right places to do so.

 And no firearms.  Although magazines have been on my mind.  Due to a great mistake I am down to having a 9mm as my personal home and travel self defense.  I only have two magazines for that.  I will just say that I am feeling a little exposed.  They are only 10 round magazines, at that.  No, no, no, that will never do.  High capacity magazines have been impossible to find for years.  It seems, now that Zero has gone after lead smelting, probably forcing a huge increase in the cost of ammunition, at least in the short run, he isn't worried about guns and ammunition.  Besides, the stimulus money that was left was either running out or being watched a little too carefully to be used to jack the prices of those things, even to making them unaffordable.  The fucking snake and his minions... we don't have enough eyes to keep track of them.  But we do have enough guns, and I think he lost the military, most sheriffs, and half the cops, excluding potentially only the big city/strong union cops.  Still... One thing at a time...  Three 30 round factory magazines will allow me to rest just a wee more comfortably.  The idea of 30 rounds even makes up for the ineffective nature of the round itself. 

Hmm, but as to tobacco.  I am out.  A shower and to town.  That was on the drawing board, all of it, anyway.  The thing is to try and push it along.  I want to make it to town before the bulk sellers are closed.  And simply before it gets to late.  It has been snowing.  I doubt if it will stick.  I am all but sure it melted off the road before thawing then freezing.  In any case, I simply don't want to be out and alone on the roads in the dead of night.  Plus... TOBACCO.  Yeah.  Addiction.  Shut it.  They say it would be healthier to quit.  When I think of my brother, and on top of health the losing of teeth in spite of exquisite personal oral care?  I think, at this point, my choice is to quit and just about fail or to just keep doing what has worked so far.  You do realize, a man of my age at any time in history save the last fifty years and maybe in a very few, very temporary, other spots in history, would make me among the oldest off men?  Something to think about.

Ah, right, yeah.  Best grab my walker, get Bertha to bath and dress me, and see if I can't get the neighbor the light up the model T.  *put-put and put-put yeah!*  Ugh... a shower, eh?  At least I am already shaved.  Later.

I'll take it, humble as it is.

.
.
No shower, but the way is clear for that when I wake.  The rest of the dishes were dried and put up.  I made a large batch of rice, and hand a bowl of fresh as the chef's price.  The bowl, spoon, and pot are soaking in the kitchen sink.  Further, I put beans on to soak for cooking when I wake.  Then, just for good measure, I pulled out several meats to thaw.  I'm going to try just beans and rice, no meat in it, several times, at the recommended balance.  Salt, maybe some hot sauce, a tortilla or two... but mostly just beans and rice.  I am trying to corner taste with protein.  It's a curiosity thing for now, but might come in handy.  I'm not sure one can realistically taste the difference between a full protein and not?  No fair with the bowl of rice I had.  I add a good shot of butter.

I just don't have enough left in me to shower, then air dry, then sleep.  Getting to town afterward would be way out anyway.  I did shave the roughest of the whiskers though.  Pieces and parts, here and there.  I do what I can.  Oh, and I tried to call my mother.  No answer, but just as I was finishing up some business she called me back.  Good news, and cheer, on both ends.  Teh crazy woman(tm) is cleaning a friend's home.  I mean cleaning.  She is down to the last bits... the second freezer in the basement.  See... what didn't I tell ya!  Crazy.  :p  Did I mention two major back surgeries, a knee replacement... or was it both, at least a half dozen foot surgeries... and probably some other stuff.  Bah!  It's a woman trick.  Run!

Good night.

Yeah, well, there is still something left in me.

.
.
I almost bet, that push come to shove, there is a lot more.  But in the daily grind what I have to bring to the table, solo, is limited.  I couldn't handle my mother's ministrations for long.  The woman is crazy.  Helpful in a short run, but... well... she's crazy when it comes to work.  A gentler hand might do for daily guidance.  No offense, mind you.  My mom is just my mom, and still going strong for it.

I hit the dishes.  The bending is the worst of it.  Does a body good though, I suspect.  I finished all but a few of the bigger pots and their lids, and a few other pieces, of regular gear.  Even those are soaking in rinse, having been washed twice and to my expectations.  Glasses, silverware, and the smaller bowls, ramekins, and such were all washed, twice, rinsed, then hand dried and put away.  I still have a cast iron pan that needs cleaning, but I won't use soapy, or even really hot water, for that. 

I doubt if I will dig too much into the kitchen tomorrow.  Actually, though, I am hoping to stay up and get to town today.  No sleep for the wicked.  Well, that isn't the deal.  Simply I am trying to push my "days" back into actual days.  And I do need a few things from the store.  I just missed a sale on ribeyes, at $5.99 a pound!  It wasn't at my regular store, and I never got a chance to look them over.  I am hoping another sale might pop up soon.  I hate being stuck like this, not even able to check my mail really.

Hmm, but I do have to finish the dishes before I can take a shower.  Always complicated.  I am not sure I will be able to push it today.  Oh... and I best set up my medicine set.  Always something, even for a lame-bones.  I don't mind, as long as I get my kitchen back in order, then fight for my living spaces by unpacking the gear and getting that put up.  After that?  Probably a strip down cleaning of my bedroom, then the living room and computer room.  I mean everything out, everything washed, or vacuumed, carpets steam vac'ed, whatever it takes.

THEN, arranging my garage to get the shop set up out there.  So I can begin working on some other things.  Yeah, long story, easy to be side-tracked or stalled.  And it will take a while, medicines might upset that since I'll be increasing shortly.  But that is the plan as it stands.  One thing at a time though, and that means dishes.  I want those dealt with and a shower, whether I end up getting to town or not. 

Hrm, might as well just say it.  I am all but positive I won't be going to town today.  The dishes, a shower, some air dry time, then to bed.  Good night.

Daily showers? In my dreams.

.
.
Since becoming healthier, save a few down spells, every other to every third day is as good as it gets.  Oh?  Wait until you are ill, aged, and retired.  It's too much for no good cause otherwise.  Further, it's not about want.  It's about targeting energy use.  Yeah, I remember showering every day when healthy.  Didn't even think about it.  Twice a day wasn't much of a rarity either, especially when going out after work.  Wasn't even a thought, just did it.  Now I almost have to plan for it.  And when ill, or down, or messing with medicines, I have to force the issue.  I do try.  Certainly, before leaving my home, I must shower.  If I can't shower it means, no matter the plans, that I won't be able to get out.  Not just my rules, a simple reality check.  I have broken that for a very few exceptions, when others have been in dire need and... I felt compelled.  Otherwise that is the simple rule.  It means I am not too weak to be out.  It's a hell of a friend I will leave the cave, unwashed, to help.  They probably don't even know what I am surrendering from them.

The only exception is when I have had a woman around.  Her taking some of the load allows me to shower more often.  And I like to be clean when... well...  Women are worth some efforts, lads.  Even worth shaving for to boot.  That's all I'm saying.

Well, what I am getting at is that it is shower day.  Actually, perhaps technically but probably wisely, yesterday was the day.  I was focused on hitting the kitchen though.  And I did.  A trade, but... one I won't live with for long.  I now have the stove cleaned, the sink emptied and cleaned, and the dishes all presoaked, washed, and soaking in fresh suds.  In two hours I will hit them again for a final wash, then maybe rinse, dry, and put up in batches.  I need to get a shower in.  The girls are looking at me funny.  Then again, that is probably because as my sleep schedule goes into shifting overdrive, what had become settled feeding times are constantly changing.  Until I get back to solid ground regarding a schedule, they are probably going to be a bit unhappy.  Fairly, mind you.  I understand.  But there is little I can do but offer empathy and kindness.

After the dishes, I hope, tomorrow or the next day, to clear the kitchen table and vacuum and sweep the floors.  With all that dealt with, I can thaw some meats, and start dealing with camping gear.  Oh, and... I realized today that I have been off my medicines... for a while.  I have to get back on those.  I will set up my medicine set tonight.  I will, I will, I will.  And take today's dose.  I wondered, but am not quite of health to know what is wrong, only that something was indeed off.  I'll... get right on that.  Hey, I'm trying to be the restaurant manager, the busboy, the waiter, grill chef, the prep chef, saucier, the sous-chef, and the head chef.  Sure, I am, mostly, the only patron.  But there is all the damned overhead.  And I can barely stand, and that's been the best I have been able to do for months now.  So... just... just get off my back.

Sounds serious, that last sentence, doesn't it?  I'm probably also the only one on my back!  But... that's not the point.  I'm 'serus'!  :p

Later.

Another bill collecter?

.
.
Damned kids!  I was sure I had everything up.  The repeat dead phone calls had stopped.  So... who was this?  They have figured out how to call without it leaving a trace on my phone, other than in a temporary file.  This one has called two or three times just today.  I was asleep so didn't hear any but that last.  I grabbed the phone and had to monkey with button pushing to finally figure out who was calling.  Unlike what usually happens, I did actually get instructions and there was something on the other end.  It eventually led to a human, a woman.  Carly.

A bit put out?  Hmm, yes.  But mostly contained.  "Urhm, you know this call is being recorded", she asked.  Hell yeah I know.  Who is this, what is this?  It turns out this is that old medical bill from the emergency room.  In two years(?) it has morphed from $450 to $1200.  Wish I could charge interest like that!  I explained the problem, my health situation and limitations, and then let her talk.  They do have a V.A. specialist.  So... why I asked, the last time I talked to someone about this, was that service not used?  And why am I getting call after call after call?  One thing at a time.  She told me she was taking over the case, so I would receive no calls but from her.  Check.  Then, she said she would send this over to her Veterans specialist.  At 100% permanent and total, service connected, I don't pay emergency room visits.  The hospital ganked the billing anyway.  I have been there two other times, and they KNOW I'm a vet.  They billed the other visits to the V.A., without my help.  Every time I have tried to help it was taken out of my hands anyway, so I don't get involved anymore.  Okay, no calls, dealing with one person, V.A. will be being checked... good, so far, for what it is worth.  Then I asked, if the V.A. picks this up, will this come off my credit report?  Yes.  But I will have to keep on top of that (meaning a call every six months until I am sure it worked, and probably a credit report proving it).  Bleh.

Well, I had just awaken so I wasn't even awake when dealing with that.  My IRE is up, but I am still not awake.  Such a weird biological place for me that... it's like trying to see through one right and one wrong lens in a pair of glasses.  I'm a bit dizzy and nauseated from it.  But... if it takes care of the problem, it will be worth it.  Damned kids.  Can't pick meat off bones anyway.

Later.

A maybe trip?

.
.
Recently invited for a potential trip, I did the logical thing.  I've been that way before, but as part of a larger trip.  Plus, I'm not in top form atm.  Between meds, sleep shifting again, and just having eaten a large amount of pasta, the brain isn't working.  That's what computers are for anyway, isn't it?  So, I went to MapQuest, my preferred mapper, and plugged everything in.  It came out the the trip would cost $500, in gas, roughly.  Since I used it before, I assumed it was still set up.  I think I have checked their cookies and allow the ones needed.  Then I looked at the mileage again, just looking at various paths.  Okay, that was way off.  I get better than 7 gallons to the mile, which is roughly what the cost estimate would have indicated.  Nope, a check on my calculator, even adding in for less mileage than I actually get, and the gas costs are more like $134.  Now, that is one way, and assumes gas prices don't jump, but still.  Full trip would be less than half of what half the trip was being suggested.  Don't know about these programs, always.

It wouldn't be bad to get out, away, do something.  Timing, though... I will be going up on medicines shortly, so an immediate trip would be unlikely.  But in a month?  Dunno, just thinking.  You know, I haven't ever thought of traveling on such short notice in my adult life since becoming ill.  I never had it in me to even think of such a thing.  It's... novel.  I wrote this little note to cma.  I wrote an email about it, and the recipient must have thought me a mad man, more than usual.  Nope, just MapQuest kicking me in the quads and hanging me out to intellectually dry.  But I did catch it, eventually.

Later.

Hey, what do you know. I can do something.

.
.
Don't know why it happened.  It isn't that I was more driven.  It isn't that I am more frustrated.  Nothing new, good or bad, going on.  I have started hitting the kitchen.  I am hot soaking dishes for an couple of hours.  Then do a wash and soak again, in soapy water for a final wash.  Yeah...  I started cleaning parts of the kitchen as well.  Hmm, after a bit of that I decided I was hungry.  Since I am doing what needs to be done, I decided to risk dirtying another pan and started a boil for tuna and noodles, or shells anyway.

What all am I going to get done?  Don't know, or care.  I'll do what I can for as long as I can, today, tomorrow, and more... as long as it lasts.  Laundry next.  The kitchen, while messy, is much better after the ladies and gent helped.  It's just surface stuff.  If I can finish up the dishes, hit the kitchen back to their level, and get laundry, I am hoping to hit unpacking, cleaning, and storing from the trip.  Yeah, yeah, three months...  You ought to see when I really don't want to do something.  *blink blink*  :)

Well... on to... my break.  Later.

Thoughts and update.

.
.
Nothing good or bad happening.  Still stuck in a form of physical limbo though.  I have a lot of things I want to do, but as can be the case, lack either the focus, the native bodily function, or both, to get to them.  Frustrated, but sort of used to it... at least there is the hope that when medicines are fully up-titrated, I will find... things smooth out.  Further, since I am feeling so good in some ways, or hitting spikes, I may just go full dose in a week rather than going to three quarters dosage.

I have been looking at my finances.  As soon as I can become mobile, I will be taking care of an old promise, or trying to do so.  I just can't get out, right now, to deal with that.  A few things I had hoped to consider have been considered.

I looked at the PS4 and decided it is not doable.  All new games would have to be bought, as there is no crossover from older platforms.  I simply haven't seen a new game I would even be interested in playing, a very bad thing.  I would need a slew of games that would make it worth my while to pick up that kind of a tab on a new system.  I'll wait for prices to drop and the library to grow, mature.  I was hearing that while there was no requirement to be in the system, to pay to play essentially, that the truth is you would have to pay.  As it turns out, that is only true if you play online with a bunch of other turds.  Not my gig.  I don't bother with that.  I play solo games, all by myself, and prefer it that way.  To those guys who have to play with your friends... I just have to ask... do you go to the bathroom with your friends too?  Males have become so damned socialized and emasculated.  It's annoying. 

Which is fine.  I think my Christmas present to myself with be a wheat grinder.  I am comparing Country Living and the GrainMaker.  Yes, the GM can spit out, literally, twice the wheat, same consistency, as the CL, with the same number of cranks, but at an up-front standalone 50% premium to an already high cost, plus replacement parts that if purchased for each device doubles the cost of the GM versus the CL (CL-$429 solo, ~$700 with accessories including replacement parts, GM-$675 solo, ~$1,400 with accessories and parts kits).  Further, the CL can simply be hooked up to a bike on a stand, the GM requires a kit, for an additional ~$270 or so.  I would have to buy a stand for a bike or an exercise bike of some sort, with the CL, which I haven't thought to price yet, so...  I don't know how that $270 compares but I am pretty sure that is much pricier.  Further, I am holding off to see how well I can use the grinder as is before deciding whether attaching a bike would even be wanted.  I don't use all that much flour as is.  You pay a hefty premium for that speed.  Still, if I decide to go the GM way, I could buy the parts and accessories wanted over time.  With the CL, though, I could buy everything I want, sum total, in one round, especially with the PS 4, if it is ever bought, put off for at least a year or three.  I am strongly leaning toward the GM, but I need more information.

Both are made in the US, if that matters to you.  It doesn't matter to me, so much, as longevity and quality of the end product.  I do like that the GM is from a farmer, entrepreneur, but that is only a minor consideration.  Not sure about CL, save that it is made in the US.  Another thing to consider, for GM again, is that it is much simpler to take apart, both augers fit on the machine either in use or on a designated spot, and it is not dependent on small parts to fit together and work, so taking it apart and putting in a new auger isn't as much of a risk.  Small parts can be killers.  I know I would buy a handful of extras, the more inexpensive ones, for the CL if I do go that way.

To this end, I wrote an email to a woman who has owned and used for her personal family, and for years, both machines.  She wrote an article some time back, which greatly influences my thought process.  I simply had more questions.  There are some technical questions that, while she might not know in a scientific manner she probably knows just from experience at this point.  Which is good.  Science seems to be a bought and sold disinformation industry these days anyway.  A few questions about longevity of the grinder parts, how many functions can actually be expected from both devices, and just how available increased functions (such as not just grinding, but perhaps flaking) each device might be open to, and the parts that would have to be purchased associated with such upgrades.  Dang it, I dig deep.  As deeply as I can.  I don't mind paying more, so long as I am not losing anything and the costs can be justified in a very material way... mostly.  But, ouch! It's a lot of danged money.

I am also looking at replacing my reverse osmosis.  As I suggested, the faucet that came with it broke.  Well, what keeps it attached to the counter broke.  There are two pieces, at least, that would need to be replaced.  Each piece, being a Sears p.o.s., is pot metal, and small, and cost $50 each, last time I checked.  I doubt if the price has gone done.  Considering I might break things trying to fix things, the outrages costs already, and several other factors, I have looked around for another system.  I believe I will be going with the Watts Premier 4-stage.  From snap-change filters to the price, and reviews, it seems the way, for me, to go.  It will cost nearly double the replacement parts.  But if you looked at what it would take to create a repair, all thin cheap metals involved, you would realize a repair is a fools errand.  A whole faucet would cost more than three new systems.  Yeah, new system.

But in my research, I came across something I hadn't considered.  Home water pressure might be why I am having problems, from time to time, with various faucets.  I don't know, it's just a thought.  So, while shopping, I added a water pressure valve so that, through my odd sleep patterns, I can check water pressure throughout the day and night and see if I need a water pressure regulator.  Yeah, techy weird stuff, but... high water pressure can be a serious problem.  A quality regulator would last a good long time, if not terribly cheap they certainly aren't prohibitively expensive either.  Hmm... while I'm there, I might as well look for a mesh strainer with tight enough screening to work with the quinoa.  I simply don't have micro mesh strainers at the moment and I would like to taste quinoa the right way.

Why a grain mill?  First, I do plan to begin using it.  I would like to end my reliance on store bought... whatever, as much as possible.  I have a year's supply of grain, though I would probably begin buying smaller lots for short term use, until the stored grains begin to near timing out (for me, I think replacing those every ten years is the plan).  I just don't know, or trust, manufactured foods anymore.  I won't even swear they are being produced in the US, or will be in the near future.  I don't trust store-bought food.  Can't.  This administration has made any inspection service we used to depend on... as much a possible lie as any other part of government.  Plus, it would be required in a catastrophe in any case.  And both of these would be strong enough to allow neighbors to use on top of my own use.  There are preppers here, but I think they would be amazed at how much flour is needed when all food is made by hand and how little most mills put out.  Having a ton of grain that can only be turned to flower a few cups per hour will be harsh.  Call it a potential service industry.  You need flour?  I need salt, or sugar, or a bit of silver, or .22 bullets...  In a short term worst case scenario, simply offer it for free to those who have grain, even sharing out grain.  Trust me, it's coming.  No, that isn't true.  It's here.  It just hasn't... like the zombie who doesn't realize it is dead and takes a half dozen more steps... It just hasn't sunk in yet.  When it does?  What just happened in the Philippines will seem small fry.

I simply pray, and often, for just a bit more time, for a few more things, real things.  Why bother with the PS 3 and 4 then?  Because I can't live only in that moment.  I won't.  I will have my nose shoved in it soon enough.  We all will.  I need... a distraction.  Television is merely a reminder of all that is wrong, and points out the causes but as if those were good things.  So, it doesn't work.  Reading?  Yeah, well, I can't.  Quite often I simply cannot stay settled, or bring focus well enough, to distract myself that way.  As if reading, mostly, is much different from television.  Authors have been telling us about these times for centuries.  The good ones offered warnings, the bad ones suggested hitting the gas on into oblivion.  The bad ones seem to have been the ones who were obeyed.  There is the bible, but I can only read that just so often.  It's pretty rich reading and I still have limits.  The bible I just bought will be brought to bear on several issues I ponder, but not so much for a serious rereading quite yet.

Hmm... Later.

To those who deserve it.

.
.

Haiku Monday - Your Way (My Way)

.
.
Karl is up at the corner(tm).  Something about something having to do with doing it your life, good or ill, in life.  I popped a few right off.  Oh, and he offers music to enhance the notion.  Yes, yes, go read and try your hand at it.

I might be a bit radical. True.

.
.
I would see political and social change.  Back to a better time?  No, simply to a more reasoned future.  Government doesn't work that way, it never has.  It is a necessary evil, but it only works so long as it can be kept in check.  There are currently no bounds on this government.  It has taken so many unprecedented powers to itself, that, essentially, it can't be stopped by political machinations... the very things that allowed the imbalance to begin with, in failing to uphold their constitutionally allotted powers regarding restricting other branches, and sisters, of itself.  But politics is and always was about money, about flesh.  It can only be hoped that laws hold accountability, are fair, and do not unduly hinder business, as to wealth and it's natural flow.  Government isn't about morality, for the most part, save very loosely.  So, politics, of the poor, rich, middle class, or politics in general, really isn't where my radical nature is derived.

Of all the revolts and movements for change in all the world, only one concerns me.  All save that one instance were about choosing who got to choose who and how others could economically function, whether through allowing free-markets to work as the better of options or choosing who could and could not do business depending on bribery, graft, black-mail, and the rest as the worst of options.  Still, all save one revolution was based on things of flesh, things that not only have but will die or be lost to death.  If you can't take it with you when your mortal coil fails, that is what governments concern.

The only true Radical I have personally ever realized to be a true Radical did not concern Himself with these things.  Nor did He come to develop peace on earth, or good will toward men.  He came to separate father from son, mother from daughter, husband from wife.  He came to tear down all the governments of the world.  He came to teach men, through even torture and death, to deny the flesh.  He even showed us how.  It isn't about politics, you say?  True, to a degree.  It isn't about the politics of men, for sure.  It isn't about wealth, you suggest?  True, not of the sort that deals excesses.  But surely you are allowed to eat, sleep in reasonable comfort and safety, and store enough for hard times.

While I have never heard it suggested that we should surrender all, save one man with lust for his possessions, I have heard that we were to go forth and find prosperity.  That requires a system that is fair and open, politically, socially.  Further, any gains are to be seen as less important than choosing God.  To lose every possession is far less than losing one's soul, if for no other reason than that you will lose your possessions at death in any case.  There is more to it, but that is a starting point for those who doubt or are on the fence.  For those who believe in death, one way or another, there is nothing you can tell them.  And, it is logical.  Nor are we asked to jump onto the spikes and destroy ourselves, end our lives, for our sins or the sins of the world.  If too, we should no more hold onto our lives, as with any possession, something we are bound to lose in time, in order for temporal ease or in going against God for the sake of our lives.

Christ was the only radical that has, or ever will, mean anything.  And He does stand against most of what we have come to understand.  So, when I go through my rages, I simply suggest... now that they are targeted, and even though even I fear them (oddly my lady friends never have feared me in those moments... nor my cats), I think they have a purpose.  So when I play something like the following, understand... there is reason in there.  It isn't empty.  Whether you or I understands it fully matters little.  I have to wonder just how angry Christ is?  Perhaps, being God, not at all.  Perhaps.  But, even if so, there is no reason we don't have call to be angry in His place, for Him for our part.  And we should be radicals, too.  Just not like the one's who have given themselves that mantle without bleeding for it.


Mind you, it isn't for me to start the riot.  That is for Another, in His time.  I am merely to resist what He will be rioting against, even to physical impoverishment and death.  And I am to be ready for when He returns.  And so I am.  However, that doesn't mean I will allow myself or mine to come under the lash of unrighteousness.  I will pay the price, happily, if need be.  Christ did not teach me peace.  He taught me freedom, which is immortal.  That can't, and won't, be taken from me even should I lose everything for it.  Radical indeed.

One good sleep can make it good again.

.
.
Conniptions, kinks and pain, finally back to the land of, if blah, normalcy.  None of it put wind in my sails.  But then, that was a long shot anyway.  I did get the trash out, straightened just a bit, got a shower in.  That's as good as it gets these days, and for some time.  Good, good.

While I have become, more or less, much closer to politically agnostic, voting for principles if those are available, I still do not believe the divide can be crossed between liberals in society and those who hold faith with laws above those of men.  I know far too many Republicans who know no better than Democrats to believe party affiliation, at this point, is any guarantee.  One side is perpetually twisting, like a snake in the hand, whether they claim to be Christian or not.  It seems to be about what they want, or what they want for or from others, but without any objective truths.  They are dangerous to themselves and to others, both physically and spiritually, and directly and indirectly.  If you are a snake handler, and have chosen to enter the lion's den with your eyes open, that is one thing.  If you think you can blindly love your neighbor, forgiving all his faults though they go against everything you understand, going by senses minus God's wisdom, and even joining his way of life as your own, you are heading toward disaster.  He is neither your neighbor, your friend, or even what he seems.  There are only two masters here, as always.  One of them is not "our will".  Our will cannot be done.  Nor can that of your neighbor's, the one who seemingly walks on his own.  His strength is an illusion.

I even see where I could seemingly fit that profile.  Having all but rejected this most recent pope, it seems I have gone my own way.  Ah, but not so much.  There are still the rites, there is still the underlying faith in God, there is still the Magisterium, there is still the bible, there is still an authority structure leading straight to God if some steps are bad God does not abandon me for their sins.  I do not follow my passions purely, won't, can't.  I do not go along to get along.  I speak what I understand, without hesitation.  I continue to study, to pray, to... kneel.  I fail, true.  I sin.  I want.  I desire.  I also set these things aside to the best of my abilities, staying to the true path.  Careful with that stone, friend.  Child.  If you throw from anger, not from perfection, you have failed God, not me.

I know, dressing like a bunny and joining their party might seem like a harmless venture.  And some of their women are quite good looking.  And smoking a little of this, or eating that, should be harmless, right?  Some of their practices might even be seen as enriching.  But if you aren't there to bring them to wisdom, you are there to join them.  I would strongly warn against that.  They are Godless for a reason.  Which reason, or even how many reasons?  Once one is not on the path, all paths do indeed become equal.  I am sure I am on the one path, because at times it seems so very hard, so thin, so... perilous.  Fear, want, hunger, and other things of flesh all try to lead me from it, dissuade me from it, shove me off it.  If you think something feels good, but suspect it might not be wise or actually within God's allowances, then you have found one of the reasons.  Passions run rampant, the allure of beauty or more your lust for it, these will send you straight to hell at the speed of a bullet.  Hell isn't so far as you might think, either.  Not far at all.  If you choose to go that way, I'll pray for you but I will not join you.  I've sinned enough for ten lifetimes, trust me that I know the... sweet taste of it.  But it is not a taste for life, but of death.  Yes, I will pray for you.

Look, the paths of sin are easy.  They feel good, right until they don't but then most are quite trapped.  If you have faith, you have been called.  Don't expect a second calling, not so strong as before, not strong enough, once you reject.  And the path back from hell is hell itself, which is why so many won't, can't seem to, take that path.  I yet burn for and from going and returning.  I cannot warn you strongly enough.  Do not join the cause of death.

Choose the only life available.  Jumping ship with a life preserver will not save you.  As always, though, your choice?  Does my warning make me a bastard?  No.  I always was one.  I am just not my own bastard now.  Choose wisely.

Women on the mind.

.
.
Reading at Vox's off blog, noticing he put it now on his main page, advice for a new groom.  I commented on the first of the postings, suggested I believed he had become soft from the ceremonies.  I do not believe he was offering... advice that is more than just saying, "Glad you are wed, now good luck and play nice".  Fine, for what it is, but not solid advice.  In my opinion.  And I noted the mistake that bothered me the most, as I see things.  Or at least what I believed to be the first mistake.  Not sure I read too much after that, actually.  I was disappointed.

Oh, I know.  I must sound like a horrid man to be involved with.  An ogre, a misogynist, a patriarch.  Not that these things aren't true, mind you, to a certain set of people, or within certain parameters.  If most who would label me as such I call fools, you may call them what you like.  I do, and always have, ruled my roost.  With a woman, without, matters not a bit.  I am dominant in my spheres.  That doesn't mean I am the hardest man women have ever known.  Nor actually simply hard.  Solid, I think, is what I heard most often.  And... that was usually appreciated by the ladies I have known.  Am I always right?  Not always, but we had to start from who did what, and is what, before we could go on further.  I don't have to be right to be dominant.  I am dominant.  Start from the start.

Once a woman understood this, then negotiations and corrections could be considered.  Sometimes what they wanted, right as it was, wasn't possible.  Often a woman wants perfections that aren't attainable within a budget.  Or they want stuff we can't maintain, too complicated.  There are many reasons why "right" isn't always right, or attainable.  I have to lead them back to who has authority, then lead them back through to the problem.  Sometimes that took several trips back and forth.  I was, generally, gentle.  It quite depended on her.  At some point, I would, eventually, help her understand what would be lost in order to get her version of "right" installed, set up, functioning, or bought.  That is when negotiations can begin.  Once she has come to reason and left behind feelings, which is why I take authority as a general rule. 

While my advice seems draconian, and it is, have no doubts that few of my women would ever actually call me that.  Few times, save the last, did I ever even raise my voice.  Usually, if I wanted her undivided attention, I nearly whispered.  If the conversation wasn't going well, I would postpone it.  Not now, I would suggest, and mean it.  Never physical, save I would guess three spankings brought about by a woman thinking that punching an ogre was a good idea at the time.  Out of as many lovers as I have known, three ain't bad, I'll tell you.  I do have a way with women.


Yeah, I'm not nice.  No doubt.  I am a lord, and I would suggest that I am a masterful one.  I do rule.  Period.  But I have been easy enough in my ministrations that women have had no trouble loving me, and many of them still do to this day.  Some of them might be a little... angry.  But from being left, not from being dominated.  I have women I went to in high school who still have crushes on me, good ones.  I have one who remembered me from the third grade.  Doe eyes, she had, when meeting me again.  Hard, harsh, masterful, but not as brutal as it might seem.  Just... clearing some air.

And suggesting you don't turn the corner every time your wife says she is right, even if she is.  Sometimes wrong is right, for many reasons.  Don't go off that cliff, lad.  Just... don't.  You are the man, and if not right, you should know why.  And, once in a while, teach.  But don't be going begging forgiveness every time you are wrong, especially if you have really thought, and worked, it through, already, as a couple.  You'll hang yourself, and your marriage, with doubt.  It's like cooking a rat, going that way.  Hot pan, don't crowd it, turn often, then expect little food sustenance, a lot of stink, and a short meal to boot.  Don't go there.

Okay, now THAT hurts.

.
.
I don't know what the problem was with sleep.  Have you ever slept wrong and awoken with two very sort arms?  Oh, no, one was not enough.  On top of that, my lungs feel as messed up as my arms, somehow.  It is as if they were folded twice, top to bottom, then folded in half, and then sat on by a fatboy.  It doesn't hurt to breath, oddly.  They themselves are sore in some odd way, and the chest cavity in which they fit hurts like the arms.  It isn't even as if I slept wrong and couldn't wake.  I kept rolling, shifting my pillows, rolling, adjusting my angles.  I simply could not get comfortable but I also couldn't wake and just get up for a while.  I did the best I could with what consciousness and understanding I could bring to bear on the problem.  I lost, hard.  Nothing from my diaphragm to the last knuckle before my neck, and from right elbow to left elbow feels good.  If you have ever been hit by a baseball bat, hard, a couple of times, you know the feeling.  It's all over.  It's a rarity, thankfully.  It can happen in good or poor health, and doesn't seem associated with anything other than rolling the dice that is life.  Ouch!

On a pain scale of one to ten, you ask?  How about... exquisite?  I honestly did not remember that so much could hurt in such a small area, and so many small areas could hurt at the same time, each with it's own unique form of hurt.  If they could hook us up to machines that would read the pain as electrical impulses, I know I could win regionals, perhaps nationals, might even be heading to the Olympics of suffering.

Not much else to say today.  I'll try and shake this off, figure out some things, get the trash out, and start on dishes.  That is my goal.  Thankfully, with this sort of pain, doing or not doing something, anything, simply doesn't affect the pain.  I will hurt just as much just sitting here as I will getting to things.  Actually the pain might encourage activity, just to get my mind on something else.  So... it might end up being unhappily preferred, somehow.  Hey, take it where you can get it?  I hate just sitting.  I just haven't had a way around it lately.

Oh, well.  I hope you are having a better day.  Misery might love company, but I refuse to be miserable.  I can't do much when it comes calling, but I don't choose it so I don't wish it around.  Later.

Quinoa...

.
.
I'm not quite ready for cooking it, especially since learning some things.  The first thing I learned was that the man, who I thought had mispronounced it, was actually right.  Quinoa is pronounced KEEN-wah.  And I wasn't sure if it was a grain or seed, so... As it turns out, it is a seed.  I did find out why, when I made it, it didn't turn out well.  If purchased in it's raw form, it needs to be rinsed very well, scrubbed a bit really as I see the description.  Otherwise a coating on the seed gives a soapy or bitter taste.  Further, it looks like they advice toasting it before then boiling it.  I am usually careful with finding good instructions when trying a new food.  The one thing may have been that some boxed quinoa has been pretreated, so instructions differ.  If I bought raw, but had cooking instructions for prepped seed, that would explain the problem.

Now, the seed is a full protein, by itself.  There are a lot of good qualities about quinoa.  However, after returning from the store, I looked at the prices.  This stuff costs almost as much as hamburger.  Granted, it has a better shelf life.  But at about $4 a pound, it isn't affordable to stock in much quantity.  Then again, all grains and such are going up.  All food is going up.  I simply cannot believe how expensive food has gotten.  You don't see reports about it, at least I don't.  My guess is the government is pushing the price increases because of the "fat epidemic", and the media is simply playing lap-dog and not noticing a huge story. 

I would like to say some foods, like the evil beef, or other "fatty" foods are what is increasing.  But this story just proves that not to be the facts.  Wheat, quinoa, produce, even potatoes, are much more expensive.  I actually think we are being lied to about just how much food has increased in price.  Like I said, I make a solid middle class yearly income.  While I am buying my home, and a vehicle, so are many middle class families.  I am single, so have a much greater access to my income.  And I cannot afford ribeyes.  At $14 or $15 a pound they simply are outside of my affordability scale.  Essentially I won't buy something if I can't maintain it even somewhat regularly.  I literally can't afford a couple of those a month.

This government is doing a lot more than people think.  They are placing activists in departments, which doubles and sometimes triples the effects of outright government interferences.  Fuel is more expensive, employees are more expensive, packaging and delivery are more expensive, and following the new regulations is expensive.  Basically this government is shutting America down.  Closing shops.  Raising prices.  Curtailing employment and entrepreneurial opportunities.  And enough people are happy with that, or getting something out of it, that it doesn't look like that will be changing soon.  Well, until it fails.  Not the way you want to see change happen but sometimes there isn't a way to do much about it.  We are becoming Russia.  New or old Russia, not much difference to be honest.  It is who you know and who you will kill for that decides if you are allowed some small access.  A Godless communism or a Godless crony capitalism, all the same.

Just grumping a bit.  Oh, I did only drink a fifth, actually less.  It did help settle me down though.  Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.  Later, or more likely good night.

I have to remember.

.
.
There is no real reason to write about politics.  Some are beating on the ACA.  Some are pulling for this politician or that.  It really isn't working out.  The direction, from both parties, is wrong.  It does remind me of speaking with people addicted to gambling.  Even when they functionally know that they can't come out ahead, they can't stop from pulling the handle, rolling the dice, playing the cards.  They know, and still can't stop.  That is what politics has become.

Frustrated?  Only in a general sense, mostly.  I don't have as much in that game as most.  Neither am I rich, poor, or really middle class.  I am not an owner, a boss, or a low level worker.  I'm not married with or without children.  My prospects are for a several more decades of sucking in air, barely, then a shallow grave.  I'm just an anomaly, one that has lived well past my due date somehow.  My frustration is watching a once great nation sell everything for promises and being strip-mined on all sides, from the devaluation of the dollar at an economy-breaking pace, to being taxed out of their earnings on top of it, to being forced onto medical plans that can't work.  Voting for the same things over and over.  They keep voting for their guy, because their guy isn't like the other guys.  Democrats, and those who vote for them, I have to assume are simply insane.  They can seem sane, until you discuss whatever chips are on their shoulders.  Equality that can't exist because of the facts of life, the fact that sex causes pregnancy so just erase a life to make it appear that no sex occurred, allowing drug use because they can't handle reality, pick your poison, there are many other chips.  Republicans have always and only been about money, making it, creating a climate for it, as with guns allowing the use of even personal force to defend it, and such.  Fair enough.  And, really, that is all a government should be about, within reason.  Unfortunately, right now, what making money is about is taking money from taxpayers.  It's the only game in town for them, business have backed off until they have some surety that growth and prosperity won't be ransacked by an insane government.  So Republicans have basically joined that insane government circus.

The thing is, I know where all this leads.  My health is poor.  There is a reasonable chance that I will be dead before I am murdered by the state, if it goes that far, or more in what way that manifests.  Medical genocide is quite common in nations with socialized medicine.  But it can happen so quickly.  I see people grumbling, especially those who lost.  One voter for Obama, and supporter for ACA, getting cancer treatment, lost his insurance.  His premium, alone, would go to $1,5k from $180 a month ($18,000 a year), with a $13.5k deductible.  Disappointed?  No.  He is simply out.  He will pay the fine when it comes due, but let nature takes it's course.  That's a hard choice.  My guess is pain will force him back in, it's not as easy to do as it is to say, but who knows.  My question is, will he continue to vote Democrat?  Probably.  No grudges, right?  Besides, his guy has sympathy for him.

Yeah, enjoy politics.  Pull the lever for your guy.  Get what you can from yourself, after much of it has been thinned by all the real players, and enjoy.  I can't help people who won't help themselves.  I can't even sympathize.  I can only turn my back and try to defend myself if that isn't enough.  I can't even do that against the juggernaut of a government these folks have created in order to try to carve meat from the tables of the rich.  A folly, even if it was allowed to work, but...  You just can't tell some people.  Killing the hen that lays the golden egg does not yield a bunch of golden eggs, just one less layer.

Ugh... daylight savings...  It's 16:30 and it looks and feels more like 20:00.  I need to get back to waking early, to enjoy some light of the day.  At least it is cool enough that the idea isn't a joke!  Later.

Right as rain, mostly.

.
.
I do have a slight headache this morning.  Nothing undue, mind you.  Despite my posts being, at least save for the last and maybe even that, from before I started... applying the liquid breaks, I have decided that those are nobody's business.  What have women thought, in the past, when I went through that?  Not much.  It can be a bit of an opportunity for them to ask a boon.  If nothing else, they can enjoy the time, with or without liquid refreshments.  Women, as a general rule, are not against festive moments, so long as they don't add burden to their day (without a return they are satisfied with, anyway).  In such moods, have I the coin, we are most likely going out for dinner, maybe dancing, or whatever will share out the mood for her.  Oh, and more generally, with a woman around to wear out, and then drag me down with her exhaustion, the need for liquid breaks isn't quite as profound.  A woman can weigh a ton in the arms, if she decides to become an anchor! :p Some of my women have been teetotalers, mind you, and I have generally respected that, having my sips privately and rarely as I do now.

I have no idea when I went to bed.  I don't think it was as late as it seems.  I'm still not used to the dratted daylight savings change.  After 16:00 to 18:00  it seems late the rest of the night somehow!  It never stops feeling late until the sun is up.  I actually woke earlier today, without an alarm going off to give me a hint, than I did yesterday.  Not by much, say maybe an hour and a half or quarter.  Why would my day shift... four hours and more?  I've not had that kind of a thing happen, that I remember, before.  Usually I lose an hour or two ever three days to a week, haggling, and able to haggle, as I slowly lose ground.  Four hours?  Oh well.

Today?  Urhm, not much.  Sometimes a night of drink can see me to a fresh start.  I am not seeing that today, or at least yet.  I will be looking for the opportunity though.  Dang but I have some things I really want to get done.  I am eyeing dishes and laundry.  I still haven't unpacked the camping gear, or all of it.  I still have plumbing I would like to get to.  I have a garage to rearrange and turn into a minor work shop, with my vice and bench grinder both ready to be installed.  I have much I want to do.  I had hoped having the supplies on hand would hurry me, but... no.  I'm just not well enough to tinker yet.  But I am keeping those things in mind and praying for the chance to get to it.

Later.

No, you don't understand.

.
.
My apologies.  Let me try to help you understand.

WOW!

.
.
Can't tell you what it is.  I just know I am still going like gangbusters.  Perhaps from having such a long stretch of being down my body, when it saw the opportunity, hit the gas.  Wow.  I can't do much with it but I hope no one decides to test things right now.  Something is alive and moving through me like the wind, storm, tempest.  Hard to focus.  Can't seem to use it.  It's just a sense of being alive, animal... power.  Bottling this stuff would be illegal.  I've always wondered if a transfusion would jack, or kill, someone else.  Don't know what, exactly this is.  WOW!  Hard to believe my bad heart can handle this.  Truth be told... I don't think even that is what it seems...  Never mind younglings.

Some things don't pair well.

.
.
Chicken and cabbage just don't, in my opinion, go well together.  The onion helped.  Oh, no complaints.  I had warm, or warmable, food for a number of days, got veggies in, and... yeah.  Just, on a preference scale, even though everything was properly cooked and good individually, this would rate in the 2 to 4 on a 1 to 10 scale.  I do love cabbage, it just needs something stronger backing it.  Beef, pork maybe, even duck or goose maybe (those last I usually stuff with sauerkraut anyway, thinking about just cabbage next time).  Chicken just doesn't support it, or sweeten it, or... something.  It was worth a shot though.

Bills set to be paid, a bit of food eaten, but really?  I'm in a rut.  Still working on medications, that's going okay.  I'll be refilling the medicine set tomorrow.  One more week of the blahs at current levels, then a slight increase.  I have no idea what to expect, I just hope it isn't as bad as first going on it.  Damn but that was harsh.  And, unless I literally can't, when I fill my medset next time, it will be full dose all the way around.  Yeah, well, what else do I have going right now?  Besides, I was in a deeper funk before starting medicines, one I could not for the life of me get out of.  There is only one way from the bottom.  Well, okay, there is flat-lining, but that doesn't count and isn't a target anyway.

My home is a sty, dishes and laundry are begging for attention, and I can barely move from one chair to the next.  I'll... keep looking for those opportunities, big or small.  That is all life gives sometimes, take it and do what you will with it.  I will, if they pop.  No worries.  It's coming along about as swimmingly as possible, as memory serves. 

Good night!

Bills, debit cards, changes. GAH!

.
.
Okay, I have roughly aware that something was wrong for a while.  Bills, or something.  Not being paid.  Not much I could do about it but pout and grimace.  Yes, I like my bills paid, and on time, and I have the money.  Both of my debit cards recently became defunct and were replaced.  I used to have all my bills on them, but I have slowly migrated automatic payments away from debit cards, which fail when they get past a certain age, over to direct online banking direct payments.  That is always a little spooky, itself, and there is no guarantees with it, either.  I don't think it is the bank, but companies, it seems, can end reception of payments.  Verizon has a really nasty habit of doing that, for example.  Then I end up with a huge bill.  Still, if they are all in one place it is easier to... figure things out.

My health has not been up to specs for dealing with home, tasks, or bills.  Life does get a little fuzzy.  Oh, I'm doing fine, inside my shell inside my prison.  And I can and do write.  Obviously I think well enough.  It is just in the world of action.  I have nothing here, save the girls, to compel much out of me.  Yes, that might make a difference, at least more often.

Finally, though, I got to it.  I found the bills that were in doubt, checked here and there to make sure data was correct, and put these remaining bills into the auto-pay banking queue.  I will need to change the dates on automatic payments, as they are coming later in the month this time.  I prefer all payments out by the 1st, give or take.  I checked the other bill that worried me, my house payment.  That is being paid as it should, and when it should.  Ugh, but that should help me sleep better.  They, the companies I owe, have been auto-calling like mad.  That's sort of what caused me to look around.  The problem is, they don't talk when I speak.  It's dead air.  I can expect many more nuisance calls until the bills go through on Monday.  I know what they are doing is illegal.  I also know that a law is only as good as it is supported.  This law is not supported at all.  Five to ten calls per day, for those two cards.  Monday I can turn the sound on my phone back on.

Still, I've done what I could.  Everyone should be happy soon.  All because debit cards die, to me, so quickly.  Well, and I can be such a gimp sometimes.  I roasted chicken hindquarters last night, with onions and cabbage.  A bite of that today sounds good.  Later.

Crazy cats.

.
.
To sleep late again, but up, again, before the 10:00 alarm.  A little later of a rise this morning, perhaps 8:30 or so.  I just can't... catch the time while rising.  I am pushing it, sleep wise, in my current condition... yet not purposefully?  Yeah, I don't get it either.  The only dream I remember?  I dreamed a haiku.  Actually I dreamed of playing five finger fillet and turned the activity into a haiku right there in the dream, bloodied finger and all.  No, it wasn't a bad dream.  Young men are foolish, but it is as enchanting as the sweetness of young women just on the male side of the equation... at least to me.  It was... a fond memory, at least now.

Have you ever had your cat freak about something you can't see?  Raise their cackles and stare at nothing, over behind a wall, in a corner, closet, or just off into space?  As I have said, my girls don't do that.  When they get freaky it is directly at me.  While they don't hiss, or get threatening, they do freak.  I still don't know why.  After having Sassy, the youngest, do that recently, and then reading and watching a video at a lady blogger's blog, I realized something else, put some things together, something crystallized in my mind's eye.

Again, not down until midnight.

.
.
Again, as well, I set the alarm for 10:00 but rose somewhere between 7:30 and 8:15, I am almost sure.  I looked at the clock, watch, and cellphone, but the time didn't, couldn't, stick in memory.  Oh, and I reset all the clocks in the cave yesterday!  Even in the Xt'er on the way to dinner, the clock was reset.  Yum!  Life might make a bit more sense.  One of my clocks, the main one in the living room, was hours off!  The battery was dying.  I set the day in it too, but that might be off already.  Some clocks shouldn't even have a day number function, they pretty much have to be reset every month.

I know I dreamed.  Unrequited but sweet love.  It's a form of pure love that can have elements of physical attraction, just no actual contact.  It can be just as dirty as regular relationships, or just as pure.  I won't say it can be purer, because I believe a good relationship between a man and wife can be quite pure even with consummation.  Actually, that is the hope, if it might take... a little time to master?  If I have hit bottom with love, I have hit crescendos that have shown me what is possible, too.  Many things of men are multifaceted.  There is right and wrong, and there is in God's grace and out of it.  Each is sort of on it's own though good builds on holy to make finer yet.  As a perfect diamond, but set in gold finery.  One is purely of flesh or animal (or as close to animals as men can be), one is of flesh with the wizened spirit of holiness.  No, these dreams were just... about the right love of mind, flesh, and spirit, and without wedlock so without the physical aspects.  Always a touch bittersweet but this time more sweet than bitter.  Perspective, I think, is the palette upon which we render our understandings and in this case the color choices for painting were picture perfect for romanticized renaissance innocence.

There were other dreams.  Just stuff of life.  No great or even little fuss, just a review of life as if reading the diary of someone just living their life.  Dreams are such odd things.  Vexing, soothing, interesting, dull, or just odd, mixing those elements and others into a mental smoothy that sometimes mean something, sometimes not.  Our own personal little mysteries of life.  I don't think God dreams, but could you imagine His dreams if He did?  Well... actually... I think we can.  In some ways, I think we are the result of what passes for His dreams, even to, at times, His nightmares... in the crucifixion among other ills of man.  Like me, though, He has the ability to make bad things right, in His "dreams", only better than I ever could.  And, I don't think, for Him, it is a mystery, more a grand artistic masterpiece.  One designed before it began and running exactly on His schedule.  Hard to imagine for people who can't even create a web page for a king's ransom that runs.  Though, that might be part of their schtick to force something else.  The Godless fail and seem to mean to do so, as it isn't a part time job for them, they aim at failure then hit the gas.  It's they only thing they know.

Today?  I don't know.  I'm not quite yet awake.  I put a load in the washing machine last night, and I am considering dishes today.  I'm simply not staying focused.  When it was suggested that my writing might be stream of consciousness in style, and I suggested that was from how I think, imagine if that is how I live.  Now... stop imagining.  I simply don't have the ability to alter the stream much.  Sometimes, rarely, I can act on some thoughts if they come to me.  No more, no less, and only a possibility.  Sleep walking while awake.  Oh, but I try younglings, I do try.  And pray.

Later.

Dinner was quite nice.

.
.
I wasn't quick about getting ready.  I didn't have it in me to rush.  Thankfully I did have it in me to ease into prep.  A trimmer cleaning of my face, a shower, then a regular shave.  A bit of a break as I air dried.  A shirt, then a top shirt and a little rest.  Socks and some more sitting.  Finally pants and boots and a final mirror review.  Ugly but as good as it gets.  Out the door just in time to stop at the post office.  The ring was in.  It fits, but only because it goes on my smallest finger.  My pinkies should be smaller but both have been broken... or... such... and the scar tissue makes them bigger.  I am well pleased with the ring.

I didn't think the bible would be in.  The seller suggested it might not be in until the 17th.  There it was.  I will be reviewing it in the next few days, or when I can next focus.  Should be interesting.  I will be able to tell which ones I prefer quickly.  While not technically a linguist, language is stronger in me than math and science, but not as art forms, as scientific means of relaying ideas.  If I happen to have some skill at writing or poetry, it is incidental to my... interest in the topic.  Everything comes down to language.  Even math is merely a form of language, music, even sex.  Never mind.

I did enjoy my evening out with the ladies.  Food was quite good.  Conversation was slightly assertive, but I have some issues that need tending and I, as I suggested, do not negotiate.  I do not fly with my passions, or submit to the Holy Spirit without reference to the rest of the Trinity.  I must have reason, logic, debate, and deconstruction.  I will no more build a house based on a dowser than I will fly a plane blindfolded the first time.  Hmm... after gaining some globally axial acclimation from steering a sub, I might be able to do that latter better than most, but I'm not that foolish anyway.  Doing better and still being dead isn't much of an improvement.  Thing is, I don't just jump.  When I jump, I take the world with me anyway.  It's never quite what it might seem.  Be careful what you wish for.

After dinner, I did make it to the store, two stores.  Groceries aplenty.  I was afraid after shopping at the first store.  The ticket was rather mild, as was dinner somehow actually.  I have no idea how things work out, but they do.  I don't have the energy to count up, so must simply trust, good or ill.  I then needed to stop for cat food and decided on a coffee grinder, electric.  I just can't keep up on the grinding by hand.  There were only two, I didn't really compare that closely.  I grabbed the one that generally looked the best.  Bleh.  It, I hope, wasn't the best one.  It's a mess to work with.  I may take it back, depending on what the other one looks like, for an exchange or flat out return if the other one is also bunk.

Ribeye was $14.99 a pound.  Hamburger, just the regular stuff, was $4.99.   Huh?  I can't afford beef!  I can only imagine what families are going through!  Everything was outrageous!  Splenda, the only sugar replacement I can really tolerate well, was $9.99 for five pounds?  The last time I bought it, and all times before for years, it was about $5 for five pounds... doubled?  Seriously?  I can't afford to be diabetic!  I may simply have to go back to sugar.  No, I simply can't use the others.  Not for general use.  Pasta was on sale.  Several of the things I was looking for were on sale.  But some of the things I wanted were astronomically too expensive.  They did have some ribeyes for $5 per in the case, but... they looked like pig-beef.  All the fat was on the edge or a Nike-like-wedge, with no marbling at all.  Beef chops, really.  Ugh.  It's come to being a peasant, making $45-50k a year?  Really?

I did pick up enough cabbage to experiment with some things.  Some I may just steam, adding butter, salt, and pepper.  Some I would like to layer, in a casserole.  Other I would like to try roasting with chicken or... such.  I bought two green and one red head.  Ah well.  I'll keep trying.  My feet are a bit sore.  I have been homebound for a long time now.  As little as I walked, I did so with boots on, both having boots on and walking any distance are time 'local' novelties.  I hope to sleep well.

Good night.

Best get going!

.
.

I need to get a shower, groom, dress, and try to get a package that arrived today, before then getting on to dinner.  The package?  A man's chastity ring.  I hope it fits.  I ordered the largest size they carry.  Oh, and... yeah... silver...  There are reasons for that.  Full, and worse, blue moons, you know.

Not much else going on, nor can it.  I best get going.  I also ordered a multi-version bible, New Testament anyway.  There are eight translations on each two page opening.  Yes, there are reasons.  Not all can use this, I can.  I can't read the Hebrew and Greek, or even the Latin Vulgate, but I can do this.  I haven't seen much going for multi-version Catholic OT versions but I keep looking.  Actually, as for books, only the OT is different from Protestant bibles. 

Catholic bibles have more.  In the time of Luther there were no original Aramaic, Hebrew, or Greek versions of certain books in the OT, and some of those books made some of what he was saying dubious.  After the finding of the Dead Sea Scrolls, however, proving these books existed and showing they were rather well translated, though only bits and pieces remain, I would have thought, would have reinstated the Catholic bible mainstream across the board, but it doesn't seem as if that was ever the issue.  And, there is still the problem with some of the texts being... problematic to Protestantism.  I hope to begin another round of bible studies.  For the OT I will simply have to purchase a specific version of the Douay-Rheims bible. 

Yeah, boring techy stuff, but... it's my gig, or one of them.  Later!

Thoughts...

.
.
Why?  Who cares.  They are here, I will simply share them musically.  Hmm?  Oh, some artistic rendering and a little translating, of course, but...

Way late to bed, midnight.

.
.
No problems, it is going to happen.  Either a night up late, or the begin of a slide, I never quite know.  Not wanting to shove my nose in it, because I simply don't have it to offer, I set the alarm for 10:00, hoping even that would be enough.  Perhaps just the time change is throwing things a bit?  Dunno.  I woke a bit after 7:00, but that seemed a little early so I tried to go back to sleep.  I never could get back to sleep, if I did rest a bit more, so really out of bed by 7:43 or some such silly odd number.  I do feel good though.

I need to get a shower in, then to try and do things today.  I have a meal planned for tonight, out.  It'll be good to be out.  I am hoping, after dinner, to go to the store.  Just a bit of this, a bit of that, and some of those.  If I had things more on the ball I would like to figure out some meal planning.  Truth is, even in the best of my health, I have never had enough going to really do that.  I try to buy a spectrum of various foods that can be made in a number of ways, some meats, and just hope I can get those cooked before they go bad.  Onions would be nice, but they often go bad, forgotten in veggie trey.  I will get some of those anyway.  Cabbage too.  I'd like to experiment with cabbage.  Sure, it's great in corned beef, goes great with it.  For me, I don't think it would stand on it's own.  It's too mild.  Hmm, roasting it in with chicken might not be bad?  Put it down in the fats with some water?  Maybe.  What else?  Cabbage meat pockets are too much work, for me.  But the notion is solid.  How to make an easier meal like that?  Layering the leaves, like lasagna?  Hey now... I like that notion.

I do feel good.  No pains, no complaints, just nothing else.  The drive is trying to break me free.  Something is simply missing.  BP might still just be too high, and my body might still simply be adjusting to the meds.  Plus, winter, if not here, is knocking, and that cold  rat man is a bear to come to terms with.  I did good last year, hope to do so again, but it isn't and instant friendship.  Snow boots and gators so far, snow shoes and poles next.  I've also been looking at wool pants and a parka worthy of the mountain cold, for next month and the month after most likely.  One thing at a time, or small grouping.  Oh, and I best consider a face mask with an exhaust system, for temps to -80 with wind.  It's my kind of weather, but even I have to use my brain a bit.  Those facemasks remind me of a regulator.  I'll bet they do make breathing harder.  There is a tradeoff.  If I can handle them, in my condition, they will add to the workouts.  But I am betting they really pay for themselves.

Well... later.  ;)

Do you use herbal supplements?

.
.
Are you sure?  A recent report, using dna profiling, shows that you may not be.

I have, from time to time, tried various supplements.  At this time, I only use vitamins and minerals.  I can't point to anything saying what I use helps, other than definitively with a small subset of them.  Since going on water pills, which cause me to urinate more, reducing body fluids and at a high dose really, my potassium was hitting dangerous lows.  Since adding a specific group of supplements, over my daily vitamins, I have eliminated the need to take supplemental potassium in insane doses.  I feared taking that much potassium, just in case something changed and I ended up with too much.  Further, of the various ways there are to take it, none of them fit my life, or tastes, or g.i. tranquility.  As to daily vitamins?  I can't point to anything specific, as I mentioned.  But I do have a general sense that life is ever so slightly better.  Fiction, perhaps, but I do believe it.

There have been times where I have tried other, what might be called actual, supplements.  Things for sleep, things for this or that, on several occasions.  I, personally, had no luck with these others or I might have continued to take them.  The answer might be in this new report.  Out of 44 products, from 12 different companies, many problems were found.  Only two of the companies were clean.  The rest used unlisted fillers and outright contaminants which are bad for people, to watering down or even not including the main/active ingredients listed.  One was nothing but grain filler!  Now I don't feel so bad that what is supposed to work doesn't.  The truth is, I may not have even tried the product.  The problem is, there is no way to be sure about any product, at this point, unless I tried to do it myself.  I have limits, and that would be among them.

Is there a chance this research is bogus, a bought service by big pharma or some other group?  Sure.  But with genetic coding, it simply stands a bit better of a chance at being legitimate.  However, they aren't listing the products or companies.  They suggest they do this so as to not pick on a particular company.  That doesn't hold much water.  That could easily be a way to hide the flaws in the research.  Although it might also keep them from being sued, legitimate or not.  My experience, while just one guy with a few products of somewhat questionable worth since I can't and don't know if they have even been tried by me, for sure, however, does support the thesis to within my tolerances.  The question is, how would you know about such a product without testing yourself or by a lab at your expense?  I don't have the equipment or skills to test these things anymore than I could make my own.  Buyer beware, it's all I am suggesting.

Oh, and good night.  

How very strange.

.
.
It seems that I have a new doctor.  I just received a call telling me about the new arrangement, and asking if I wished to make an appointment.  Just to make sure it sticks, I arranged an appointment for early next year.  It does seem as if... never mind.  Reality, I think, was just folded, altered.  I always worry, when getting a new doctor.  I would like to ask how it could be worse, but asking such a question is akin to asking how much more pain one can endure.  I know, as much pain as I have endured, even enough to kill me once, that I can, in some instances, for short times, endure much more.  Simply, some questions are best left unasked.  I will know more shortly.

A young local gentleman was finding tasks for neighboring missionaries.  I was not terribly ready for company, and yet... usually take the opportunity when it is possible.  Raking, I suggested.  Not the whole yard.  Even just my yard is a bit much, with the field?  No, just the front yard, and to have piles of leaves.  I went to the garage and found two more rakes, one of which I used.  I have mentioned that I can help, and like to help, when I can think out of my box or others can do that part.  After we finished, he asked about other tasks.  Ah!  Help organizing the wood behind the shed, and neatening that area.  Friday, early afternoon, it was suggested.  I will have hot cocoa, and maybe some other treats ready.  I would love to bake a pie but I just don't have that to me.  I'll... think of something.  I had retained some of the treats from Halloween.  Shouldn't have, but I did give the vast bulk of them away... on Halloween night itself, for the library, to hand out in school, and such.  I really shouldn't be eating them, but actually my blood sugar, last I checked, after rising to 250 when eating rightly, dropped 40 points after I gave up and indulged.  Yeah, don't know.  Still, I gave as much of that stash away in thanks today as I could.  Crazy kids... all of us.

I keep trying to figure out visits to this page.  Between the various systems for checking there is no agreement.  Further, the areas of difference don't make sense.  If some section of them could be seen to be problematic, they should show up as a bulk, if not obvious at least teasably findable missing group.  It doesn't work out that way.  What is missing is the bulk, not the spread.  I have my visits set to not be shown, but on the site that suggests the most visits, taking out all those visits that use Firefox, and the numbers remain unchanged mostly.  FireFox is only 4% of visits.  I seem to be getting 55-65 per day, depending on which site is checked, with very on-site page jumps.  I don't know.  I'm not sure any of them can be trusted.  It's all... odd.  Site Meter, according to my checks, shows up as an untrusted site to visit, beyond that.  I'll keep trying to figure things out.  Oh, and no, I don't try to figure out who, when, or such, regarding visitors.  Most of you don't show up as having visited in any way that is discernible, identifiable, by my systems anyway.  Oh, but the Russians no longer visit.  I am not sure if they were really Russian or if those were engineered to appear to be Russian visits.  They might even have been Google trying to get visit numbers bumped for their marketing or other such reasons.  With 15-20 hits lasting moments, I just never took those too seriously.

Dang it!  Now I know who had the heart attack.  He's a really decent man.  I was praying for him and family anyway.  But... now that I know who...  I can't do more than pray, and with my social standing and such I stay away.  Just hate to see the good ones go down.

I can't get to much, but... At least there is company.  And dinner will be coming shortly, going out to pizza with the young ladies tomorrow night.  And some things are being arranged and rearranged.  And I am staying on my medicine better, mostly.  Later.  :)