What is up with crayfish? You heard me right. A few years ago, my cousin moved in as a housemate after his divorce. While living here, he though pet fish would be fun so he bought a tank, rocks, etc. Finally, when it was all set up, he bought some fish and a small frog. When he was looking at the bag of creatures pulled from the tank, while still at the store, he noticed a crayfish. He asked the guy helping him about it and the guy told him they don’t even sell crayfish so it would be free, if he wanted it. It was in bad shape, was missing a pincer and most of it’s antennae and didn’t look like it would make it. He took it anyway.
The thing was maybe an inch long when he brought it home and put it in his 10 gallon tank with his other fish. Well, it got bigger. And then it got bigger. And then it ate a fish then another, we initially suspected the other fish. That is, until he caught the crayfish feasting on his favored and expensive (to him) frog’s leg. He was mad! He was going to flush it. Well, I felt for the little hard-case. I bought a 10 gallon tank just for him. He has molted (?) a dozen times since then, he now has blue tint on some of his pincer shell and is seven inches long.
The thing is feeding him was, at first, difficult. I could find nothing in the stores which seemed to fit, so fed him beta fish food. Then, I started to get gold fish for him to try and make sure he was getting something he had shown an interest in eating. He was grateful, they were not. However, everything I have tried to plant in his tank has been chewed and killed, the “seeds” of which, he shreds. So, I recently found food, if not for him, for other types like him (hermit crabs) which he LOVES. Just to see, I also purchased some more goldfish and in his tank they went. They remain, after a month, alive, much bigger, if a little skittish. So, I was thinking to add plants again, which I indeed did to. First morning, today, after doing so, and guess what. They have been dug up and chewed up. Dranged Nabbit anyway. I am going to leave the “seed” remains and see if something will develop anyway.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Meanwhile, on Xenophic 3...
Take your pick.
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| Your super-secret codename is: Doomed. | |||
| Your mission is... Jump from a boat onto a convertible then onto a train for no apparent reason | |||
| 'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com | |||
| Your super-secret codename is: DOOM | |||
| Your mission is... Set each teletubby on fire and bury their carcasses in the abandoned salt mines | |||
| 'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com | |||
| Your super-secret codename is: JAM | |||
| Your mission is... Impose freedom in scary ways | |||
| 'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com | |||
Monday, May 28, 2007
Where do these thoughts come from?
Some days and some times I don’t understand anything. The universe, go figure. I never understand that but there are times when I am more or less aware of my ignorance. It’s understanding can be tantalizingly close at hand, yet never quite within reach. At other times, it’s a cold hard implacable system that just will not yield to my will or understanding, nor leave me alone with it’s persistent insistent realities. I’m not a physics based scientist, tending to be more akin to the ancient Greek scientists, theorize and leave it at that or if needs must try to use the theory and revert to trial and error like the rest of the successful fools when time has run out for sitting on haunches. Though from what I am gathering, many of the physicists are more advanced mathematicians and theorists than reality scientists these days, who knows. As for you, well, you don’t even know yourself. Just look at yourself sitting there reading this wondering nothing and then realizing I’m in your head. I bet you can hear my words as you read this. Sheesh, how am I supposed to figure you out when you are so open while reading and so closed when in person? Don’t mind me, I’m funnin’ ya. As for myself, some days I’m spot on with personal interprolation of where I was, where I am, and where I am going, give or take. I do what I intend, I don’t fuss with uncertainties, I have strength and will, and my body is my own. On others, like just now, I would be hard pressed to make a plan and see it through over the course of the next few hours, maybe days. My body isn’t quite a prison, but it’s not exactly mine either.
I wonder how many hide this from themselves though, and just do what they must, staying so busy or being required by the circumstances they have chosen to be thusly indisposed for the stated reason. Given my circumstances, how long would it take to become like me? Would most people become like me, sink completely into their psyche, or find some way out? As for me, I’m looking for the door in the house in my mind, in this “thought” my mind is “me”, the door is the “way”, and the house is “my body”. I see the sun shining and the green grass through the windows, yet I know it is winter outside and that there is snow on the ground and clouds blocking the sun. How do I know, you may ask? Because I have gone through that door before. I have been stuck on both sides of the door. And honestly, I am not sure which is worse nor which is better. Warm and safe and comfortable and becoming weaker by the second compared to surviving, thriving, and enjoying life with the risk of failure and a quick or slow, painless or painful death.
I sometimes wonder if I have not already died. I wonder if I am not in purgatory. I wonder how I would know. I wonder what I should do. Then, I know. If this is indeed purgatory, then my only way is to go toward God, follow his words, and never look back. If I am alive, great! Then I won’t have to go through this “again” if I follow my own advice. *laughs* And, in this seeming eternity that has been my life, I only have a few more real time decades or so before I can leave, graduate, or go home. I must say however, that to me, it feels like I have been alive for centuries, millennium, to be honest, even longer. I am no longer too little butter over too much toast, but more a drop of oil stretched over all things somehow. The word “thin” doesn’t quite define my sense of this, I don’t think any word does, none that would mean anything as no one understands infinite.
All I know right now is that I know nothing. Which to my way of thinking, is almost too much to know or understand for one man.
I wonder how many hide this from themselves though, and just do what they must, staying so busy or being required by the circumstances they have chosen to be thusly indisposed for the stated reason. Given my circumstances, how long would it take to become like me? Would most people become like me, sink completely into their psyche, or find some way out? As for me, I’m looking for the door in the house in my mind, in this “thought” my mind is “me”, the door is the “way”, and the house is “my body”. I see the sun shining and the green grass through the windows, yet I know it is winter outside and that there is snow on the ground and clouds blocking the sun. How do I know, you may ask? Because I have gone through that door before. I have been stuck on both sides of the door. And honestly, I am not sure which is worse nor which is better. Warm and safe and comfortable and becoming weaker by the second compared to surviving, thriving, and enjoying life with the risk of failure and a quick or slow, painless or painful death.
I sometimes wonder if I have not already died. I wonder if I am not in purgatory. I wonder how I would know. I wonder what I should do. Then, I know. If this is indeed purgatory, then my only way is to go toward God, follow his words, and never look back. If I am alive, great! Then I won’t have to go through this “again” if I follow my own advice. *laughs* And, in this seeming eternity that has been my life, I only have a few more real time decades or so before I can leave, graduate, or go home. I must say however, that to me, it feels like I have been alive for centuries, millennium, to be honest, even longer. I am no longer too little butter over too much toast, but more a drop of oil stretched over all things somehow. The word “thin” doesn’t quite define my sense of this, I don’t think any word does, none that would mean anything as no one understands infinite.
All I know right now is that I know nothing. Which to my way of thinking, is almost too much to know or understand for one man.
Know it all?
I don’t know how to do much. I suppose I never did. And, there for a while, I wondered if I could do anything based on my knowledge. Then I remembered something. Everything I did in the past was done, if only initially, in nearly total ignorance. So, why this sudden need to be knowledgeable BEFORE beginning a project or new thing? Is it experience catching up to me, that sinking feeling you get after doing something new and doing it expensively or dangerously wrong? Is it being surrounded by people who just say, “You can’t do that.”, as much because they don’t want you to or can’t do it themselves? I don’t know, but I am slowly turning that around.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go out and jump in a fighter jet and just start pushing buttons or something. However, I won’t continue to sit in my apartment and wonder. Take, for example, tree climbing of the rope and knot variety. I just purchased a book and I have been reading it. Money is too tight for a month or two to actually buy the minimal gear, but once that is in play, I am going to go out, find a tree, and see what I can do. I may also head out on white water, take an off-road trip, and begin to reload my own boolets, as they seem to be referred to by the insiders. Yes, I will read, yes, I will use a fair amount of caution, no, I’m not going to just sit and wonder.
As I was writing this, I was fixing up some French press coffee. I am out of milk and not interested in a morning run to the store. I thought a bit and realized I had vanilla ice cream. You know what, you really don’t need to know it all to do it right! Mmmmm, mmmmm.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go out and jump in a fighter jet and just start pushing buttons or something. However, I won’t continue to sit in my apartment and wonder. Take, for example, tree climbing of the rope and knot variety. I just purchased a book and I have been reading it. Money is too tight for a month or two to actually buy the minimal gear, but once that is in play, I am going to go out, find a tree, and see what I can do. I may also head out on white water, take an off-road trip, and begin to reload my own boolets, as they seem to be referred to by the insiders. Yes, I will read, yes, I will use a fair amount of caution, no, I’m not going to just sit and wonder.
As I was writing this, I was fixing up some French press coffee. I am out of milk and not interested in a morning run to the store. I thought a bit and realized I had vanilla ice cream. You know what, you really don’t need to know it all to do it right! Mmmmm, mmmmm.
How is the water?
Plans, plans, and more plans. A fellow blogger and crew are planning a trip white water rafting. After initially thinking I couldn’t do it this year, I have reconsidered after a family reunion fell through. As well, in the same area, is a group of Xterra off-roaders, a club actually, with whom I have been conversing. I could also meet some of them while there. Driving would cost $350 plus in gas. Lodging would cost at least $350 if I stay only in hotels, though I could mix in camping for some of the nights take that cost down by half or more. I don’t have much gear at the moment, but my tent (or even sleeping in my Xterra), a sleeping bag, and picking up a cooler might be enough if there are fire pits. The rafting is about $100. As always, there is food, with the cooler and local grocery stores I could bring that down a lot too. I would just grab some jugs of water here at home, so no real liquid requirements. But there are always other costs which just aren’t, maybe can’t be, forseen. So, $600-$800 planned, less if I do it carefully. Could be a trip is in the making. The fourteen hour drive, though not fun, is not even a major concern.
Of course, there is a little more I need to think about. And, there are a few oddities which bring rafting into question, among them my size. It is fun making legitimate plans, even if it comes to naught I will have a better idea of what trip planning is going to be like. I will be calling the rafting place tomorrow if I don’t get a “No” from the other blogger. This might be the time for me to finally get off my butt and go. Urhm, or not, but if not this time, the time is coming.
Of course, there is a little more I need to think about. And, there are a few oddities which bring rafting into question, among them my size. It is fun making legitimate plans, even if it comes to naught I will have a better idea of what trip planning is going to be like. I will be calling the rafting place tomorrow if I don’t get a “No” from the other blogger. This might be the time for me to finally get off my butt and go. Urhm, or not, but if not this time, the time is coming.
The government has you covered, almost.
They will make slaves of us all. If some of the most well educated can be forced to not do their job or if they try, to be forced out of their employment, what will happen to you? I hope you do not vote for free medical care, simply because that is precisely the value of care you will receive, but it won’t be free. Expect a one third or more increase in your taxes. To you who are retired and don’t care what the kids are paying in taxes, this is your future.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Life can be just fantastic, even if only in little sips at a time.
I went golfing today for the first time. Some gents from my Church had talked about this some time back, and it seems like me, took their time making it happen. Well, it is good to know I am not alone in living a complicated, difficult to schedule life, if for different reasons. As well, it offered me the chance to order a set of golf clubs, buy some tees (teas?), and finally just the other day to finally pick up some golf balls.
It was a fantastic thing! I did not hit perfectly, I did not shoot great often, and saying I regularly shot ok might be pushing it. Hitting the ball at all was a plaguing trick. Hitting it straight seemed to come naturally. Getting loft was a bit of a struggle, as I grounded about half of my shots. Finding the ball was fairly straight forward, albeit the ruffs (roughs?) were very tame. I am not sure how far I shot, but my best three were as far as the better golfers or at least in that range and on the fairway. What fun, even if we were rained out before we could finish the 4th hole.
There was another gentleman, of about my size, who was also a first time golfer. Which was perfect, since we were able to share the clubs. He too had a great deal of fun, and has set his mind on a set of clubs for himself. As well, he has indicated an interest in going again and practicing together. To top it off, one of the experienced golfers did compliment me, saying that I had “really” made some great hits. He is not the type to hand a compliment without being literal, and maybe a little impressed. The other regular golfer just sort of looked at me with a bit of surprise, being young and an exchange student, I think he is still a little unsure of his place though so he did not say anything.
I had thought I would get in lessons before we went, but like I am want to do and with my several and varied recent expenditures, I was not able to do so. Actually, I am glad I did not take lessons. As well, I will probably play many rounds to get a pattern down before I go in and try to improve, as trying to improve an irregular shot seems odd to me at this point.
In my opinion, even if you have always been an anti-golfer type, just try it. You don’t need new clubs, most clubs will rent those. You can probably find an inexpensive club ($14 for 9 holes, with a cart, in a generally very expensive region to live). And you don’t need lessons (though I might suggest a course map, as the other new guy and myself fell behind a time or two and ended up ). All in a daysshooting at or nearly shooting at the wrong holes work. I still have a lot to learn, including course etiquette, but I think I will enjoy getting out of the house for even one more thing.
Another new thing is coming up. I feel a bit more comfortable with it, now that I have tried a long feared, dreaded, and sometimes disliked sport and not only enjoyed it, plan on continuing, and did ok for a new guy. I will be practicing shooting my Springfield XD .45 acp tactical (tactical means a 5” barrel, part of the name) in preparation for, I believe, and ISPCA(?) event. I won’t be competing, but I may get to do an un-timed run through the course. I probably won’t compete with this particular pistol, as I plan on having it as home use, personal practice, and maybe a carry pistol, so installing ghost rings and an internal laser sight, none of which is acceptable for competition. However, there are a lot of other pistols and revolvers out there just taking up case or closet space. Sigh, but money is allocated for a bit. With camping gear, climbing gear, reloading (yes, ammunition reloading) equipment, Xterra mods, all in the pipeline, and my next gun purchases probably going for a bear defense gun (either S&W .460 or .500) and maybe a .357 revolver, it would be next summer before I could really look into a competition pistol, all the rigging, and travel and club fees and costs, the pistol mostly likely being a Para-Ordnance .45 acp hi-cap.
It was a fantastic thing! I did not hit perfectly, I did not shoot great often, and saying I regularly shot ok might be pushing it. Hitting the ball at all was a plaguing trick. Hitting it straight seemed to come naturally. Getting loft was a bit of a struggle, as I grounded about half of my shots. Finding the ball was fairly straight forward, albeit the ruffs (roughs?) were very tame. I am not sure how far I shot, but my best three were as far as the better golfers or at least in that range and on the fairway. What fun, even if we were rained out before we could finish the 4th hole.
There was another gentleman, of about my size, who was also a first time golfer. Which was perfect, since we were able to share the clubs. He too had a great deal of fun, and has set his mind on a set of clubs for himself. As well, he has indicated an interest in going again and practicing together. To top it off, one of the experienced golfers did compliment me, saying that I had “really” made some great hits. He is not the type to hand a compliment without being literal, and maybe a little impressed. The other regular golfer just sort of looked at me with a bit of surprise, being young and an exchange student, I think he is still a little unsure of his place though so he did not say anything.
I had thought I would get in lessons before we went, but like I am want to do and with my several and varied recent expenditures, I was not able to do so. Actually, I am glad I did not take lessons. As well, I will probably play many rounds to get a pattern down before I go in and try to improve, as trying to improve an irregular shot seems odd to me at this point.
In my opinion, even if you have always been an anti-golfer type, just try it. You don’t need new clubs, most clubs will rent those. You can probably find an inexpensive club ($14 for 9 holes, with a cart, in a generally very expensive region to live). And you don’t need lessons (though I might suggest a course map, as the other new guy and myself fell behind a time or two and ended up ). All in a daysshooting at or nearly shooting at the wrong holes work. I still have a lot to learn, including course etiquette, but I think I will enjoy getting out of the house for even one more thing.
Another new thing is coming up. I feel a bit more comfortable with it, now that I have tried a long feared, dreaded, and sometimes disliked sport and not only enjoyed it, plan on continuing, and did ok for a new guy. I will be practicing shooting my Springfield XD .45 acp tactical (tactical means a 5” barrel, part of the name) in preparation for, I believe, and ISPCA(?) event. I won’t be competing, but I may get to do an un-timed run through the course. I probably won’t compete with this particular pistol, as I plan on having it as home use, personal practice, and maybe a carry pistol, so installing ghost rings and an internal laser sight, none of which is acceptable for competition. However, there are a lot of other pistols and revolvers out there just taking up case or closet space. Sigh, but money is allocated for a bit. With camping gear, climbing gear, reloading (yes, ammunition reloading) equipment, Xterra mods, all in the pipeline, and my next gun purchases probably going for a bear defense gun (either S&W .460 or .500) and maybe a .357 revolver, it would be next summer before I could really look into a competition pistol, all the rigging, and travel and club fees and costs, the pistol mostly likely being a Para-Ordnance .45 acp hi-cap.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
What do I know?
I try to keep this place clean of politics, controversies of the popular and typical nature, and just offer thoughts and questions, a few of my answers, and specifics about my life. In real life, I am much more defined, give or take. I have started to wonder if I am in fact hardcore. Well, not that really, as I am. I guess I wonder if I am acidicly hardcore. If I am difficult to be with, repulsive in a general manner, and or too strong in my opinions and beliefs to be enjoyed by fellow humans.
Really, I hope everyone thinks about this. But more, I hope everyone worries about this. I would much rather talk to a woman who didn’t put on mascara, lipstick, or drop a breath mint yet worries about this than a typical non-thinking feminist, lesbian, or rude woman. What about the guy who believes in a government which would suppress my current rights so that he would “feel safe” and doesn’t even realize he is rude or his thinking is extremely debatable and dubious? Should I even talk to those people? Once again though, I am back to my first thoughts. Am I too harsh?
I do not mind asking the question. Though I might have a middling average answer, collected and averaged over a dozen days and with a dozen moods on those days, it is for me and unimportant for others. The outliers, should these data be graphed, can be annoying, debatable, and humbling as I see them. But that I look and worry is a comfort rather than the cause for greater concern. I could ask if these aforementioned folk do the same, but they are not the issue and never will be, for me. Or, at least, I don’t believe they should be.
What the Godless do is of no concern to the Christian should it not be made a concern of the Christian. These things, I leave in their hands, while offering a prayer for them. As for me, I think I’ll keep on looking at myself in relation to the rest of my kindred, for my part. I will ask myself if I am too brutal. I won’t always like the answer, but I know where to go to get straight. I do have some abstract distanced sympathy for those who do not know where to take this should they blindly stumble upon it, but for those who choose not to know I give nothing. Yes, I can be brutal.
Really, I hope everyone thinks about this. But more, I hope everyone worries about this. I would much rather talk to a woman who didn’t put on mascara, lipstick, or drop a breath mint yet worries about this than a typical non-thinking feminist, lesbian, or rude woman. What about the guy who believes in a government which would suppress my current rights so that he would “feel safe” and doesn’t even realize he is rude or his thinking is extremely debatable and dubious? Should I even talk to those people? Once again though, I am back to my first thoughts. Am I too harsh?
I do not mind asking the question. Though I might have a middling average answer, collected and averaged over a dozen days and with a dozen moods on those days, it is for me and unimportant for others. The outliers, should these data be graphed, can be annoying, debatable, and humbling as I see them. But that I look and worry is a comfort rather than the cause for greater concern. I could ask if these aforementioned folk do the same, but they are not the issue and never will be, for me. Or, at least, I don’t believe they should be.
What the Godless do is of no concern to the Christian should it not be made a concern of the Christian. These things, I leave in their hands, while offering a prayer for them. As for me, I think I’ll keep on looking at myself in relation to the rest of my kindred, for my part. I will ask myself if I am too brutal. I won’t always like the answer, but I know where to go to get straight. I do have some abstract distanced sympathy for those who do not know where to take this should they blindly stumble upon it, but for those who choose not to know I give nothing. Yes, I can be brutal.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Questions? No, just life today.
My health is starting to improve. Working with the doctor, my blood pressure is coming down and I am still able to conduct limited business and pleasure. Sleep patterns become a bit topsy-turvy with each medicine adjustment or addition every two weeks, but when improvements are seen it is tolerable. Function is rudimentary, yet my recent past is my own in that I remember it well and can concentrate much better, if I am not always fully able to act on my purposes. And, I have been able to act on more of them than before; passively, directed, and sometimes actively.
In business, there have been many complications in the buying process with the Xterra. The vehicle runs great so far, but every piece of paperwork I completed in the purchase has had to be reworked in a piece-meal fashion, including the trade-in paperwork. The custom stereo they indicated they could remove and replace with the stock stereo in the trade also remains a problem. I probably will nail my foot to the floor before doing business there again. Even if I was more energetic at the moment, I would not be pleased to have had to make five visits, so far, to complete a deal I had thought completed weeks ago.
Bane has been a great joy to read lately. I probably should hold my tongue more at his place and other sites. Honestly, I have opinions, beliefs, some knowledge, but I am perfectly balanced, with a huge chip on both shoulders, and I am just as foolish as the next guy. As well, my thoughts and style seem to be greatly despised, if not there, then at most places, too long winded and rambling I think. As for the chips, I’ve been whittling them away, as I don’t really need them, might not deserve them, but certainly don’t want those loadstones. It’s a slow process. I’m hoping as physical health and shape come into their own, I can cast the anchors aweigh while severing the chains of the past that bind. No one will like me any better for the loss of chips, but I will like me and life better perhaps.
On other fronts, I’ve been collecting and testing bits and pieces for my planned adventure. I have been testing and enjoying the Xterra. I have started target shooting a bit more. I have been continuing my research into all of these topics, and more. And, I have been staying out of trouble. That last is not so difficult these days, as trouble just doesn’t seem fun anymore. In my searches, I have found much information, and a few interesting extras. There is nothing like running into Zen while reading a reloading forum. As for Zen’s place in my world, I now see it as a philosophy rather than the one-time religious belief. As such, I enjoy it immensely, and appreciate others interest in it, even if their take seems to be of a religious nature.
Life isn’t bad, but I am thinking the place of normalcy and happiness is just right around the next corner. Bah, I might as well admit it, there is no corner to turn for happiness. I’ve always been there, I just don’t always appreciate it. Shhhh!
In business, there have been many complications in the buying process with the Xterra. The vehicle runs great so far, but every piece of paperwork I completed in the purchase has had to be reworked in a piece-meal fashion, including the trade-in paperwork. The custom stereo they indicated they could remove and replace with the stock stereo in the trade also remains a problem. I probably will nail my foot to the floor before doing business there again. Even if I was more energetic at the moment, I would not be pleased to have had to make five visits, so far, to complete a deal I had thought completed weeks ago.
Bane has been a great joy to read lately. I probably should hold my tongue more at his place and other sites. Honestly, I have opinions, beliefs, some knowledge, but I am perfectly balanced, with a huge chip on both shoulders, and I am just as foolish as the next guy. As well, my thoughts and style seem to be greatly despised, if not there, then at most places, too long winded and rambling I think. As for the chips, I’ve been whittling them away, as I don’t really need them, might not deserve them, but certainly don’t want those loadstones. It’s a slow process. I’m hoping as physical health and shape come into their own, I can cast the anchors aweigh while severing the chains of the past that bind. No one will like me any better for the loss of chips, but I will like me and life better perhaps.
On other fronts, I’ve been collecting and testing bits and pieces for my planned adventure. I have been testing and enjoying the Xterra. I have started target shooting a bit more. I have been continuing my research into all of these topics, and more. And, I have been staying out of trouble. That last is not so difficult these days, as trouble just doesn’t seem fun anymore. In my searches, I have found much information, and a few interesting extras. There is nothing like running into Zen while reading a reloading forum. As for Zen’s place in my world, I now see it as a philosophy rather than the one-time religious belief. As such, I enjoy it immensely, and appreciate others interest in it, even if their take seems to be of a religious nature.
Life isn’t bad, but I am thinking the place of normalcy and happiness is just right around the next corner. Bah, I might as well admit it, there is no corner to turn for happiness. I’ve always been there, I just don’t always appreciate it. Shhhh!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
My mind at work. Low paying job, but it's sok.
It seems there were twenty three visits to this blog this week. I am impressed! Oh, I know, in the blog-o-sphere, that is a paltry sum. But to me, well, it’s a surprise. This blog is more like a child coloring on a sidewalk, never expecting people from the next block to stop by and look. Now, I receive no comments, so for all I know, the visitors are just government regulators making sure I’m not making money, supporting something nefarious, or bored and looking around because they are getting paid to do so and don’t really want to look for real problems. I did say I had a wonderful imagination, didn’t I?
Going back to a previous post, I had indicated that I was going to try and do some introspection. Since I had concluded the outcome of a person’s life based on their actions and analyzed that in a manner that I thought was excellent, I caught myself in that whole analysis system and so I said I would look into my life. Yea, well, I did so and it wasn’t always pleasant. I used my memory, I spoke with others to check my memory against their memory, I looked over paperwork to check some facts, and… I am a liar.
No, I don’t lie when I have taken cookies out of the cookie jar and no one sees me, to prevent trouble, I’m rather bold and would just advise more cookies be bought, might even plunk down for them. I don’t try and tell the officer who pulled me over I didn’t realize my speed (velocity, but don’t get smart). I really just say, yes, I realize my speed (I do think velocity, but that’s another issue). Usually when I’ve been pulled over, I just didn’t realize the posted speed, other times (very rare) I was pushing it, and I tell him this. Why lie? I also don’t lie to girlfriends about my needs or wants, expectations or limitations, or past romances or current interests. But I have lied to myself and others about where I want to be, that, according to my history.
I may be looking for a wife. I may want a wife and children. But my history doesn’t indicate that. Albeit, my interest in a family is somewhat newfound (if always back there somewhere), other stated goals were long standing and seemingly remain. I seem to move, sluggishly, in a direction, and then change course 90 degrees, or more, then change again if I got too close. I certainly have had some major shifts in life, yet I have accomplished nothing. It might almost seem, rather than being destined to fail, I have chosen to fail.
In the final analysis though, I have not lived up to my stated goals. I am, indeed, a liar, maybe a coward, and definitely confused. There is tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. I am not depressed, just a little disappointed in myself. I don’t hate myself for this. I know there are some legitimate reasons mixed in with the lame excuses. I also know that being a product of my life as it has unfolded is not an easy thing to overcome. I wonder if many don’t end up in these sad worn shoes of life I have on at my age? Yet, as I said, there is tomorrow, and if I have few other things, I have hope. It does spring eternal, and for that at least though truly among many other things, I do thank God.
Going back to a previous post, I had indicated that I was going to try and do some introspection. Since I had concluded the outcome of a person’s life based on their actions and analyzed that in a manner that I thought was excellent, I caught myself in that whole analysis system and so I said I would look into my life. Yea, well, I did so and it wasn’t always pleasant. I used my memory, I spoke with others to check my memory against their memory, I looked over paperwork to check some facts, and… I am a liar.
No, I don’t lie when I have taken cookies out of the cookie jar and no one sees me, to prevent trouble, I’m rather bold and would just advise more cookies be bought, might even plunk down for them. I don’t try and tell the officer who pulled me over I didn’t realize my speed (velocity, but don’t get smart). I really just say, yes, I realize my speed (I do think velocity, but that’s another issue). Usually when I’ve been pulled over, I just didn’t realize the posted speed, other times (very rare) I was pushing it, and I tell him this. Why lie? I also don’t lie to girlfriends about my needs or wants, expectations or limitations, or past romances or current interests. But I have lied to myself and others about where I want to be, that, according to my history.
I may be looking for a wife. I may want a wife and children. But my history doesn’t indicate that. Albeit, my interest in a family is somewhat newfound (if always back there somewhere), other stated goals were long standing and seemingly remain. I seem to move, sluggishly, in a direction, and then change course 90 degrees, or more, then change again if I got too close. I certainly have had some major shifts in life, yet I have accomplished nothing. It might almost seem, rather than being destined to fail, I have chosen to fail.
In the final analysis though, I have not lived up to my stated goals. I am, indeed, a liar, maybe a coward, and definitely confused. There is tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. I am not depressed, just a little disappointed in myself. I don’t hate myself for this. I know there are some legitimate reasons mixed in with the lame excuses. I also know that being a product of my life as it has unfolded is not an easy thing to overcome. I wonder if many don’t end up in these sad worn shoes of life I have on at my age? Yet, as I said, there is tomorrow, and if I have few other things, I have hope. It does spring eternal, and for that at least though truly among many other things, I do thank God.
Monday, May 14, 2007
I'm always late, Mum. But we know...
While reading other blogs, I couldn’t miss the many Mother’s Day missives and thanks. My bases were covered this year, though seemingly more by fortune than by preparation. Having said that, I should add that beyond telling my Mum I love her before ending a call or leaving after a visit (happy ending or sour), I do thank the woman verbally and in gifts as often as I can and when I think about it. Mother’s Day is everyday, for my purposes, I suppose. But all of the reading and what it brings to mind, seemed to bubble up today.
Now, I don’t often agree with my mother. And, I don’t always like my mother. As any businessman will tell you, it isn’t about that. Life is like business in some ways. With family and friends, financial dealings, police work I’m sure, and the military, it’s about getting things done. Our personal feelings and our wishes have to be set aside, at times, in order for a more perfect union. So it is with my relationship with my Mother.
She is the backbone of most of what I grew up knowing as a family. She made mistakes, married often, and moved many many times, with my brother and myself in tow. In a confused 60’s and 70’s world, she sought shelter in a cruel world and found none. Still, she managed to push, pull, help, and love two boys to manhood the best she could. We always had food, often of the good home-cooked variety (something I didn’t appreciate until a decade ago, but now cherish in memory but sadly will never be able to duplicate). We always had decent, if polyester at times (fads, ack), clothing and shoes. We had some toys, a few pets, and were always warm in the winter. Summers in Iowa back then were just what they were, nobody had AC (or remote controls). We also had fun, as a family, and parts of that family, tears too. But the best thing she gave us was the surety that we were loved and wanted. We were both adopted, hand-picked she said.
I know how imperfect mothers can be. I have seen many warts, blemishes, failures, and mistakes from three different mothers, in various situations. And I have hated them all at times, pushing them out of my life. And yet, when in my darkest moments, closer to death than most people get once, let alone three times, in more pain than my body could tolerate and keep breathing even perhaps completely sane, this woman is who I most wished most to have with me. I thought I was steel, and might be, but steel is nothing compared to a mother’s love. I changed. I came to understand what some will never know, and I hope I never forget.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you. Yea, I know this blog is late… but is it?
Now, I don’t often agree with my mother. And, I don’t always like my mother. As any businessman will tell you, it isn’t about that. Life is like business in some ways. With family and friends, financial dealings, police work I’m sure, and the military, it’s about getting things done. Our personal feelings and our wishes have to be set aside, at times, in order for a more perfect union. So it is with my relationship with my Mother.
She is the backbone of most of what I grew up knowing as a family. She made mistakes, married often, and moved many many times, with my brother and myself in tow. In a confused 60’s and 70’s world, she sought shelter in a cruel world and found none. Still, she managed to push, pull, help, and love two boys to manhood the best she could. We always had food, often of the good home-cooked variety (something I didn’t appreciate until a decade ago, but now cherish in memory but sadly will never be able to duplicate). We always had decent, if polyester at times (fads, ack), clothing and shoes. We had some toys, a few pets, and were always warm in the winter. Summers in Iowa back then were just what they were, nobody had AC (or remote controls). We also had fun, as a family, and parts of that family, tears too. But the best thing she gave us was the surety that we were loved and wanted. We were both adopted, hand-picked she said.
I know how imperfect mothers can be. I have seen many warts, blemishes, failures, and mistakes from three different mothers, in various situations. And I have hated them all at times, pushing them out of my life. And yet, when in my darkest moments, closer to death than most people get once, let alone three times, in more pain than my body could tolerate and keep breathing even perhaps completely sane, this woman is who I most wished most to have with me. I thought I was steel, and might be, but steel is nothing compared to a mother’s love. I changed. I came to understand what some will never know, and I hope I never forget.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you. Yea, I know this blog is late… but is it?
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Wedding Bells or a Straight-jacket?
She is out there. I don’t know how I know, but I realized tonight, the woman who will become my wife is out there, waiting. Oh, she isn’t sitting at her table, twiddling her thumbs, not that type of waiting. I had strong feelings that she is out there and I need to find her. I am not sure if this is because I am trying to become active and considering some travel or if it is just the time. Perhaps changing ones life has more impact than one could every understand in such a broad way as to be a miracle of probabilities.
I have no clue what she looks like. I don’t know where she is, except that she is not here (whatever that means), or what she does. I doubt if we will know it when we first meet. I am just sure we will somehow cross paths once, then again, and again, until we begin to see and understand. I am not even sure if we will have children, but I certainly hope so. I am not comfortable with the unknown or waiting, but for some reason I am comfortable with this. And yes, I do have doubts. How can someone know even what math indicates, let alone what some feeling indicates? I don’t know that either, but I do believe this.
Don’t ask me, I don’t know where that came from. All I can say is I have been getting that message over and over the last few days until finally I locked on it and accepted it. It’s just a feeling, I could be wrong and by logic I am, I might be a little touched, or I might be heading into trouble:) But I believe she is out there and that I will find her.
I have no clue what she looks like. I don’t know where she is, except that she is not here (whatever that means), or what she does. I doubt if we will know it when we first meet. I am just sure we will somehow cross paths once, then again, and again, until we begin to see and understand. I am not even sure if we will have children, but I certainly hope so. I am not comfortable with the unknown or waiting, but for some reason I am comfortable with this. And yes, I do have doubts. How can someone know even what math indicates, let alone what some feeling indicates? I don’t know that either, but I do believe this.
Don’t ask me, I don’t know where that came from. All I can say is I have been getting that message over and over the last few days until finally I locked on it and accepted it. It’s just a feeling, I could be wrong and by logic I am, I might be a little touched, or I might be heading into trouble:) But I believe she is out there and that I will find her.
Who Are You Looking At?
I just cornered someone, in a mental conversation (a conversation with a fictional person). I explained my belief, a belief held regarding someone’s actions in a long term series of events, to a third though interested party. I explained how the events were tied to the outcome and that regardless of what the subject thought they thought, they probably either weren’t being honest or just didn’t understand themselves or the situation as well as they had believed. I countered a few, albeit light, counter-arguments and alternative proposals, if I didn’t obtain total agreement with the conversant. The track was very well done, with the exceptions noted. It came to me in an instant, vaporizing fiction to leave fact, and then I created my discussion based on that and the outside source information that had instigated the process.
It is, sometimes, quite easy to see what others are thinking in the end, regardless of what they say. What they do, or end up doing, says more than their words could, and are absolutely and brutally honest. Then it hit me, what can I see in my own life? What was/is my major real goals? Can they be discerned by my actions as clearly as I had discerned another’s goals? I can’t see it at this point, but I am going to start looking. I wonder if others can see me as clearly as I saw the subject. I hope they are as forgiving or understanding as I tried to be with the subject, or at least indifferent. It would also be interesting, if possibly quite difficult, to know.
I am not even sure getting caught in your own thinking like that is a good thing, though I don’t think it’s a typical thing? I’ll have to recheck all of my systems on those two threads. *sigh* Well, that should keep me busy in my own yard for a while, anyway.
It is, sometimes, quite easy to see what others are thinking in the end, regardless of what they say. What they do, or end up doing, says more than their words could, and are absolutely and brutally honest. Then it hit me, what can I see in my own life? What was/is my major real goals? Can they be discerned by my actions as clearly as I had discerned another’s goals? I can’t see it at this point, but I am going to start looking. I wonder if others can see me as clearly as I saw the subject. I hope they are as forgiving or understanding as I tried to be with the subject, or at least indifferent. It would also be interesting, if possibly quite difficult, to know.
I am not even sure getting caught in your own thinking like that is a good thing, though I don’t think it’s a typical thing? I’ll have to recheck all of my systems on those two threads. *sigh* Well, that should keep me busy in my own yard for a while, anyway.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Into The Wilds
Wow! So much to do, so little time. Two years and a few months seems like a long time, but when time, money, testing, travel, and just living get rolled up into it, two years seems far too short!
What is he talking about now, you ask? You didn’t read then. Ok, I’ll say it again. I’ve started to make plans for a two year out-door adventure in, or starting in, Colorado. I’m giving myself about a 2 ¼ year lead time to gear up, practice, test my gear, and then go.
I’ve been looking at, and sometimes writing (emailing) everyone from 4x4 clubs, tent/hammock manufacturers, to satellite phone/internet service and equipment providers. I usually do as much research as an uninitiated consumer can do, then pick the items that top the list, then if I have a few questions, I write for more information. I am trying to be careful though, as I am not soliciting, I do not need or want sponsorships, I am only interested in the information.
The list of things to do and check only seems to grow with everything that gets checked off the list. Odd how that works, but it’s the nature of finding out more about that which one knows little or nothing. Modifications to my vehicle (spoke to my dealership and gents in a 4x4 group I plan on joining there), survival medical gear and information, camping gear of all sorts, standard gear like seasonal clothes and foot gear, foods (some no-fire areas require MRE’s or the like), water (systems to store, transport, and clean it), communications (I’m looking at CB’s, satellite phones, FRS/GRMS systems, and ham radios, the last two require licensing and the more here, the better), as well as figuring out what to do with my home furnishings, business arrangements, medical needs, and social and family situations.
I’m rather excited. Yet, all the work keeps the enthusiasm down and adds a sobering effect that may help this thing happen and end well. I gave myself two years for several reasons. First, the right equipment is not cheap. Much of it is up-front one-time costs, but those costs can be significant. As well, I do not want to show up in the wild with equipment that is both untried and without first having experience with it or similar equipment. And last but not least, it gives me time to consider if this is the right thing for me to do. Rash decisions have never been great decisions, and I prefer to leave those to times when they are all that are left. This isn’t one of those times.
What is he talking about now, you ask? You didn’t read then. Ok, I’ll say it again. I’ve started to make plans for a two year out-door adventure in, or starting in, Colorado. I’m giving myself about a 2 ¼ year lead time to gear up, practice, test my gear, and then go.
I’ve been looking at, and sometimes writing (emailing) everyone from 4x4 clubs, tent/hammock manufacturers, to satellite phone/internet service and equipment providers. I usually do as much research as an uninitiated consumer can do, then pick the items that top the list, then if I have a few questions, I write for more information. I am trying to be careful though, as I am not soliciting, I do not need or want sponsorships, I am only interested in the information.
The list of things to do and check only seems to grow with everything that gets checked off the list. Odd how that works, but it’s the nature of finding out more about that which one knows little or nothing. Modifications to my vehicle (spoke to my dealership and gents in a 4x4 group I plan on joining there), survival medical gear and information, camping gear of all sorts, standard gear like seasonal clothes and foot gear, foods (some no-fire areas require MRE’s or the like), water (systems to store, transport, and clean it), communications (I’m looking at CB’s, satellite phones, FRS/GRMS systems, and ham radios, the last two require licensing and the more here, the better), as well as figuring out what to do with my home furnishings, business arrangements, medical needs, and social and family situations.
I’m rather excited. Yet, all the work keeps the enthusiasm down and adds a sobering effect that may help this thing happen and end well. I gave myself two years for several reasons. First, the right equipment is not cheap. Much of it is up-front one-time costs, but those costs can be significant. As well, I do not want to show up in the wild with equipment that is both untried and without first having experience with it or similar equipment. And last but not least, it gives me time to consider if this is the right thing for me to do. Rash decisions have never been great decisions, and I prefer to leave those to times when they are all that are left. This isn’t one of those times.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Updates and Ramblings
Interesting. After I wrote the post about my dream, in a city where I rarely see police, I counted 8-10 cop cars, and probably missed several, all in one day. Nearly every time I went for a drive, I saw at least two, at different times, often going my way for some distance. I don’t know if they are out for other reasons, maybe they like the new vehicle, or maybe they do scan the internet and blogs (which, in truth, I don’t mind a bit so long as they are legitimate and not looking to just test new powers or bash citizens). Generally put, I do trust them (if that was the case). However, if that was the case, they really didn’t read through the material well, or their reading comprehension or my writing skills (or both) are greatly lacking?
As well, I’m not only clean of history, I’m clean of intent. I have no interest in NAZI’s, Black Panthers, Communism, Socialism, the overthrow of our government, nor hurting anyone or myself. Life is just too good, there is too much potential in both people and their lives to squander anyone’s life. Beyond that, and truth be told, though I am a conservative, I am not terribly Republican or anything. As a new Catholic, I am probably even less interested in politics than even the weak general conservative impetus might otherwise have granted. In finding a home in the church, I have ceded a bit of my political idealism. I guess I know we can’t all get along, but when we can, why not. We truly do live in the land of milk and honey, where the poor are fat and the rich are fit!
I didn’t worry about the number of police (except that something dangerous might be happening, and being a college town, I might never be told of the danger). With the Virginia Tech thing, in the near past, with brutal minded who have lost hope, with the lack of communication in college communities, I think I’ll stay in until the weekend is over. Well, I would like to get to church.
I have been a poor adherent lately. Oh, I pray, usually daily, but I haven’t been going to church. My medication situation (high blood pressure medicine) has regressed, but that may be mediated before long. In spite of getting things done on this vehicle deal, I wouldn’t call it a great play. I was late doing some of the required work, I couldn’t get my paperwork organized, I couldn’t make morning meetings, and just wasn’t on top of it expect for looking at the numbers (all of them) and seeing if it was right for me. As well, targeted meeting times were not doable, etc. So, getting to church on time, even with a regular time has been difficult. Still, I am functioning better when I do function.
As well, I’m not only clean of history, I’m clean of intent. I have no interest in NAZI’s, Black Panthers, Communism, Socialism, the overthrow of our government, nor hurting anyone or myself. Life is just too good, there is too much potential in both people and their lives to squander anyone’s life. Beyond that, and truth be told, though I am a conservative, I am not terribly Republican or anything. As a new Catholic, I am probably even less interested in politics than even the weak general conservative impetus might otherwise have granted. In finding a home in the church, I have ceded a bit of my political idealism. I guess I know we can’t all get along, but when we can, why not. We truly do live in the land of milk and honey, where the poor are fat and the rich are fit!
I didn’t worry about the number of police (except that something dangerous might be happening, and being a college town, I might never be told of the danger). With the Virginia Tech thing, in the near past, with brutal minded who have lost hope, with the lack of communication in college communities, I think I’ll stay in until the weekend is over. Well, I would like to get to church.
I have been a poor adherent lately. Oh, I pray, usually daily, but I haven’t been going to church. My medication situation (high blood pressure medicine) has regressed, but that may be mediated before long. In spite of getting things done on this vehicle deal, I wouldn’t call it a great play. I was late doing some of the required work, I couldn’t get my paperwork organized, I couldn’t make morning meetings, and just wasn’t on top of it expect for looking at the numbers (all of them) and seeing if it was right for me. As well, targeted meeting times were not doable, etc. So, getting to church on time, even with a regular time has been difficult. Still, I am functioning better when I do function.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
The Beast is Prowling
My dreams are often odd, confused, and sometimes frightening. I only occasionally remember them when I wake up, I just have a strange sense of them sometime later, recalling details, places, feelings, and such in vivid colors, odors, and even the feel of textures and breeze or wind against my face and body. They can be reality based, which actually are the scariest when they are nightmares, or more like B flicks (which when scary, I actually enjoy… free horror flick edited for Christian content by my bean, heart, soul, or God), or a collections of ideas, sensual inputs, and or pictures, but they bubble to the surface in my waking time. They can be dreams of the future. For example, I recently (early last month) dreamed that it would snow at least twice more, be very cold around the times, and cold enough that the snow would stick around for a few days at least once. My ex-fiancée laughed at this. A nurse I see on occasion scribbled down a little note (for the doc?). Well, it did happen. No comments from the naysayers as of yet. It was good for a laugh.
Aside from this dream, and my dreams of the Rocky Mountains, I’ve been having odd dreams of a possible very bad near future for the last few years. My dreams seem to indicate that what I am seeing is only a possibility, not a sure thing. In them, the US isn’t lost, but Europe is. As such, we are isolated for the most part. In the US, several large cities and a small city may be bombed, smaller yield nukes (I still recall some of the details of delivery and set-up of the mechanisms and fissile material (separate actions, culminating at poi)), mostly local immediate death, some fall-out victims, and long term but not millennial detoxification (can’t be sure which cities, though Chicago seems familiar, L.A. (I think but I haven’t actually been there so can’t be sure), with other big cities like San Fran, N.Y.C, even St. Louis as possible targets, and the small city being something like Iowa City or Ithaca, N.Y.). The time-frame is five years, plus or minus three years, if it is to happen.
Losing Europeans as allies, currently and with the exception of Britain and perhaps Italy, is almost akin to losing Chavez as a friend, politically speaking (in my oft pessimistic, sometimes quite off, view, mind you). However, even a temporary loss of access to mutual markets, investments, and travel would have a serious economic but also psychological affect. With the Euro/US dollar exchange rate, what is happening with Chinese currency, and a few other factors, it looks like the US is prepping for just such a potential outcome. I may be reading it wrong, but when the dreams started making themselves known, I started looking for indications. The way these things are working, America may be losing some business and trade potential, but it is limiting China’s capitalization of our currency as it ties (partial now?) it’s currency to ours and keeping our markets from becoming more dependent upon Euro trade, all of which would limit our liability in just such an eventuality, while also devaluing China’s enrichment (this point is highly debatable, but not completely deniable). China’s military modernization and build-up could only be ignored by the NY Times, going from a whole military of about 1.5-2 million twenty years ago to a standing army alone of nearly 3-4 million (As I recall). As well, Russia’s policies and hungers are starting to make the scene with every reporter, current or ex-government official, and mogul exiled, tried, or outright killed in an open manner. As well, NAFTA, some of our other free-trade agreements, and our immigration situation all make a LOT more sense within the tactical consideration of just such a future. All of that and what I offer are not guarantees, mind you, but to me these are little indications that the world is not static and is in fact quite politically fragile and potentially explosive, and policies are being explored and activated by each major player nation to seek it’s best starting, mid, and end game position.
As much as I might grumble about “European allies”, “blue” states, cities, and peoples, this scenario brings me no joy. I don’t worry about the economic impact, we are Americans, we will make do as we must. But I do worry about several other things; our response, actually more so if democrats hold majority and presidency (i.e. do not hand a machine gun to a murderously angry peacenik, or power hungry socialist/communist, and I am betting she will get the post); the potential for a major loss in our crop production, with the potential for massive amounts of farm land loss; and of course there is the social unrest that would occur in just such a scenario. All can be contained, countered, and we can continue a slightly more subdued life, but it would take time and time is not cheap. Worst case scenario is if both of these events are timed or coincidental (unlikely coincidences however).
Aside from this dream, and my dreams of the Rocky Mountains, I’ve been having odd dreams of a possible very bad near future for the last few years. My dreams seem to indicate that what I am seeing is only a possibility, not a sure thing. In them, the US isn’t lost, but Europe is. As such, we are isolated for the most part. In the US, several large cities and a small city may be bombed, smaller yield nukes (I still recall some of the details of delivery and set-up of the mechanisms and fissile material (separate actions, culminating at poi)), mostly local immediate death, some fall-out victims, and long term but not millennial detoxification (can’t be sure which cities, though Chicago seems familiar, L.A. (I think but I haven’t actually been there so can’t be sure), with other big cities like San Fran, N.Y.C, even St. Louis as possible targets, and the small city being something like Iowa City or Ithaca, N.Y.). The time-frame is five years, plus or minus three years, if it is to happen.
Losing Europeans as allies, currently and with the exception of Britain and perhaps Italy, is almost akin to losing Chavez as a friend, politically speaking (in my oft pessimistic, sometimes quite off, view, mind you). However, even a temporary loss of access to mutual markets, investments, and travel would have a serious economic but also psychological affect. With the Euro/US dollar exchange rate, what is happening with Chinese currency, and a few other factors, it looks like the US is prepping for just such a potential outcome. I may be reading it wrong, but when the dreams started making themselves known, I started looking for indications. The way these things are working, America may be losing some business and trade potential, but it is limiting China’s capitalization of our currency as it ties (partial now?) it’s currency to ours and keeping our markets from becoming more dependent upon Euro trade, all of which would limit our liability in just such an eventuality, while also devaluing China’s enrichment (this point is highly debatable, but not completely deniable). China’s military modernization and build-up could only be ignored by the NY Times, going from a whole military of about 1.5-2 million twenty years ago to a standing army alone of nearly 3-4 million (As I recall). As well, Russia’s policies and hungers are starting to make the scene with every reporter, current or ex-government official, and mogul exiled, tried, or outright killed in an open manner. As well, NAFTA, some of our other free-trade agreements, and our immigration situation all make a LOT more sense within the tactical consideration of just such a future. All of that and what I offer are not guarantees, mind you, but to me these are little indications that the world is not static and is in fact quite politically fragile and potentially explosive, and policies are being explored and activated by each major player nation to seek it’s best starting, mid, and end game position.
As much as I might grumble about “European allies”, “blue” states, cities, and peoples, this scenario brings me no joy. I don’t worry about the economic impact, we are Americans, we will make do as we must. But I do worry about several other things; our response, actually more so if democrats hold majority and presidency (i.e. do not hand a machine gun to a murderously angry peacenik, or power hungry socialist/communist, and I am betting she will get the post); the potential for a major loss in our crop production, with the potential for massive amounts of farm land loss; and of course there is the social unrest that would occur in just such a scenario. All can be contained, countered, and we can continue a slightly more subdued life, but it would take time and time is not cheap. Worst case scenario is if both of these events are timed or coincidental (unlikely coincidences however).
I Don't Know, But I've Been Told
I notice as I debate conflicting ideas either with a friend, or not so much friend, or just ponder other takes on issues or my own takes, I come to a realization that all ideas collapse at some point. Essentially, no idea is infinite, linear, or even fully functional within all but strict artificial parameters, at least within the limits of my mind. I can poke Titanic sized holes in almost any idea proffered. Every argument I play against ‘their’ argument can be played against my beliefs, or most anyway. Now, my ideas have an origin which I believe to be God, ‘their’ ideas, should ‘they’ check, are at best from men (though some are rather carnal or animal based). I won’t negate even the carnal based origins as they are a part of our experience if a mistake to take as either the goal or sum of it. Without God, carnal reality is it.
What it comes down to is faith. Oddly, though I understand I have a faith, and though I understand this faith is nothing if not flimsy to an atheist as an example, I can’t help but know that ‘their’ beliefs are based completely on faith in spite of ‘their’ reluctance to even believe ‘they’ have faith. I am not sure why one cannot admit that one could never prove, let alone outright know, even a tiny fraction of the science one has been taught (dogma). Basically this means that what ‘they’ have been taught is accepted on faith and as such is no more substantial to me than religion is to ‘them’.
So, while I open the door to conversation, ‘they’ shut the door to communication, even personal realization. While I look for and at proof and proofs, ‘they’ close 'their' eyes to my sources of wisdom. While I fail to uphold my faith, then realign, then fail, then realign, in a never ending yet self-aware fashion aiming at an objective ideal, I see ‘them’ fail and write it off as subjectively irrelevant or by a blanket assumption that there are no wrong answers (except, that is, for the answers I offer, or more to point, God offers).
What it comes down to is faith. Oddly, though I understand I have a faith, and though I understand this faith is nothing if not flimsy to an atheist as an example, I can’t help but know that ‘their’ beliefs are based completely on faith in spite of ‘their’ reluctance to even believe ‘they’ have faith. I am not sure why one cannot admit that one could never prove, let alone outright know, even a tiny fraction of the science one has been taught (dogma). Basically this means that what ‘they’ have been taught is accepted on faith and as such is no more substantial to me than religion is to ‘them’.
So, while I open the door to conversation, ‘they’ shut the door to communication, even personal realization. While I look for and at proof and proofs, ‘they’ close 'their' eyes to my sources of wisdom. While I fail to uphold my faith, then realign, then fail, then realign, in a never ending yet self-aware fashion aiming at an objective ideal, I see ‘them’ fail and write it off as subjectively irrelevant or by a blanket assumption that there are no wrong answers (except, that is, for the answers I offer, or more to point, God offers).
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Too Much, So Fast, Yet Doable
I have been wondering about life, in general, in these times. Could it really be much different than civil life 10,000 years or more ago? Have we, as humans, developed added sensory qualities, cognitive abilities, or some other less than identifiable yet enhancing property or properties that allow us to be more than the men from ages gone? For my part, I don’t think so. We have made gains, as a race, but we have also lost ground. I do believe that a child born 10,000 years ago, then somehow transfigured through time to today, and then raised in this environment (barring some sort of handicap of form or function, and all else being equal), would do just fine and nobody would be the wiser.
So, I am left with looking at what we have gained and what we have lost, given the assumption that man has not changed. Our gains are all technologically driven. This technology is based on math, engineering, chemistry, and other hard sciences and medicine. Our losses are based on that same core, and enhanced by the soft sciences, i.e. psychology, sociology, perhaps even philosophy. I will explain.
First, the hard sciences have given men the ability to have a numerically greater and higher quality production system, increasing variety and availability of everything from the basics of food, water, and housing, to wants and partial needs such as transportation, athletics, and time for intellectual interests. Making something like a ten-speed bicycle or a car 200 years ago was not something that could be done well or quickly, if at all. The price, size, and quality, among other things, being limits to general consumption (for example think steam engine car, aka train, today). People in this country lived brutal short lives. As recently as the turn of the last century, there were no real medical schools (not accredited), and many ‘doctors’ didn’t even attend what was available. Today, we live well into our 70’s and seemingly longer every generation. We can either buy a custom piece, possibly produce it ourselves, or buy very good quality mass production items. And what we can buy or buy to make those things is mind boggling. If you want an electric or gas RC plane, a customized automobile, a metal lathe, or a yacht, it is available. And services from haircuts to, massages, to a trip into space are available. At times, it is vulgar what people buy and discard almost as quickly, things an ancient man would have fought and died for and which he would have taken exceptional care (think of how many canoes sit in garages, how many extra cars people have, even fishing equipment that sits idle most of the time) Oh, I’m not pointing fingers, I’m thinking about my own commercialism and sharing my part of it. It seems we have lost value for quantity, needs are so easy that only wants remain. It’s not a complete loss, but it seems the balance is now tipping too far into the loss column.
In the modern age, a man doesn’t need to work 12 hour days or more just to feed, house, and cloth a family. A wife isn’t constrained from work by the rigors of manual labor and the demands of a household. These should be good things, but the law of diminishing returns seems to be mocking man and telling us that at some point, we may indeed eradicate some of our basic human needs that go beyond the basics. At some point, so few men will be needed to make products compared to the population that we will not feel useful, successful, or fulfilled, let alone getting tired enough to sleep well or even digest our food properly. A man from a thousand years ago (or Mexico, Africa, or even parts of Europe) would think he had found the lost land of Atlantis, or the land of kings and queens. And, to some degree, he has. But how many kings can there be before a society fails to function? How many jobs exist, seemingly just to put a man in a place doing nothing but looking busy currently?
As for soft sciences, the reason I put that in the net loss category is because rather than helping man in any way, they seem to quantify men, blending a man with other men, shaving off (or attempting to) the individuality of each one. The ‘science’ ‘loses’ a quality there, a deficiency here, a feature there, until a man becomes men and then just numbers. As well, the information which is of functional use is used not to enhance man but to mitigate or outright control populations, it is used to sell (unneeded, otherwise undesired) items, and to define man as an animal or machine, or as I term it, a biomachine or biocomputer (I use these terms for true animal and other lower species). So, soft sciences are great for the powers that be and for businesses, but they work harshly against each individual man.
As well, I think a major concern in modern times is something that is known, if not on any front burners for medical research (or is wisely kept from the media awaiting solid data). The stress of modern life created by too many choices; too much information too fast, beyond our capacity to sort it, compare it’s value, and then act on it; and continuous sensual stimulation from advertisements, traffic, odors, electrical devices, electrical delivery itself, and even indoor plumbing all combined may be having a seriously debilitating affect on some or all people. If true, expect the next generations to have that problem compounded.
Honestly, little can be done to change this. All each man can do is make his individual choices as best he can, link with others who concur, and perhaps turn off and turn away from what is wrong as he sees it. Perhaps living in a quiet Iowa town isn’t so bad. Perhaps figuring how to live on $50,000 a year is better than making a million a year but not even knowing your family. Perhaps no tv is better than being stimulated into buying things you use rarely, once, or never. Choices, choices, choices, it doesn’t come down to whether to choose or not, it comes down to whether you make the choices or someone makes them for you. Probably more, it comes down to who you decide to trust to make the bigger choices, while you sort the minor life affairs and what or who to trust as a guide for moral issues. No man is an island, that is a certainty, yet too, no island is a man.
So, I am left with looking at what we have gained and what we have lost, given the assumption that man has not changed. Our gains are all technologically driven. This technology is based on math, engineering, chemistry, and other hard sciences and medicine. Our losses are based on that same core, and enhanced by the soft sciences, i.e. psychology, sociology, perhaps even philosophy. I will explain.
First, the hard sciences have given men the ability to have a numerically greater and higher quality production system, increasing variety and availability of everything from the basics of food, water, and housing, to wants and partial needs such as transportation, athletics, and time for intellectual interests. Making something like a ten-speed bicycle or a car 200 years ago was not something that could be done well or quickly, if at all. The price, size, and quality, among other things, being limits to general consumption (for example think steam engine car, aka train, today). People in this country lived brutal short lives. As recently as the turn of the last century, there were no real medical schools (not accredited), and many ‘doctors’ didn’t even attend what was available. Today, we live well into our 70’s and seemingly longer every generation. We can either buy a custom piece, possibly produce it ourselves, or buy very good quality mass production items. And what we can buy or buy to make those things is mind boggling. If you want an electric or gas RC plane, a customized automobile, a metal lathe, or a yacht, it is available. And services from haircuts to, massages, to a trip into space are available. At times, it is vulgar what people buy and discard almost as quickly, things an ancient man would have fought and died for and which he would have taken exceptional care (think of how many canoes sit in garages, how many extra cars people have, even fishing equipment that sits idle most of the time) Oh, I’m not pointing fingers, I’m thinking about my own commercialism and sharing my part of it. It seems we have lost value for quantity, needs are so easy that only wants remain. It’s not a complete loss, but it seems the balance is now tipping too far into the loss column.
In the modern age, a man doesn’t need to work 12 hour days or more just to feed, house, and cloth a family. A wife isn’t constrained from work by the rigors of manual labor and the demands of a household. These should be good things, but the law of diminishing returns seems to be mocking man and telling us that at some point, we may indeed eradicate some of our basic human needs that go beyond the basics. At some point, so few men will be needed to make products compared to the population that we will not feel useful, successful, or fulfilled, let alone getting tired enough to sleep well or even digest our food properly. A man from a thousand years ago (or Mexico, Africa, or even parts of Europe) would think he had found the lost land of Atlantis, or the land of kings and queens. And, to some degree, he has. But how many kings can there be before a society fails to function? How many jobs exist, seemingly just to put a man in a place doing nothing but looking busy currently?
As for soft sciences, the reason I put that in the net loss category is because rather than helping man in any way, they seem to quantify men, blending a man with other men, shaving off (or attempting to) the individuality of each one. The ‘science’ ‘loses’ a quality there, a deficiency here, a feature there, until a man becomes men and then just numbers. As well, the information which is of functional use is used not to enhance man but to mitigate or outright control populations, it is used to sell (unneeded, otherwise undesired) items, and to define man as an animal or machine, or as I term it, a biomachine or biocomputer (I use these terms for true animal and other lower species). So, soft sciences are great for the powers that be and for businesses, but they work harshly against each individual man.
As well, I think a major concern in modern times is something that is known, if not on any front burners for medical research (or is wisely kept from the media awaiting solid data). The stress of modern life created by too many choices; too much information too fast, beyond our capacity to sort it, compare it’s value, and then act on it; and continuous sensual stimulation from advertisements, traffic, odors, electrical devices, electrical delivery itself, and even indoor plumbing all combined may be having a seriously debilitating affect on some or all people. If true, expect the next generations to have that problem compounded.
Honestly, little can be done to change this. All each man can do is make his individual choices as best he can, link with others who concur, and perhaps turn off and turn away from what is wrong as he sees it. Perhaps living in a quiet Iowa town isn’t so bad. Perhaps figuring how to live on $50,000 a year is better than making a million a year but not even knowing your family. Perhaps no tv is better than being stimulated into buying things you use rarely, once, or never. Choices, choices, choices, it doesn’t come down to whether to choose or not, it comes down to whether you make the choices or someone makes them for you. Probably more, it comes down to who you decide to trust to make the bigger choices, while you sort the minor life affairs and what or who to trust as a guide for moral issues. No man is an island, that is a certainty, yet too, no island is a man.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
My First Big Piece of the Dream
I put my down on this today, should be picking it up as early as Thursday.
It is always a bear getting the deal to work, trades are difficult, and knowing if or how badly you are being worked is not really possible. However, I like the deal, it's within my parameters, it was simple in a mechanical way, and it's done.
It's a Nissan Xterra Off-road with a better than stock stereo, automatic, with a few extra goodies too boot. I wanted the blue, didn't want to wait (supposedly) 6 months.
Update 4-27-07:
I brought her home today. I took her for a drive right off the lot. Came home and my cousin stopped by. Took her for a ride again, he insisted against my great resistance. Came back home. Took her for a ride again. Came home. I think I'll do something novel, go for a ride and pick up groceries (just enough to excuse the late jaunt).
I do like the Xterra, it could move on to love and trust, but I take my time. She is very comfortable and sits quite high (a good high, not tilty or stretched feeling). She has some brass, but after the Camaro, it would take A LOT to impress me. Still, there is a feel of a smaller v-8 instead of the real 4.0L v-6. She is much taller than she appears in the picture above. I can ground step into her, just about perfectly, but I am 6'4"(+). In real life, she almost has the affect the little hummer might bring. So far, so good.
I won't worry about mileage until she has 2k under her belt. And, one immediate mod... synthetic oil. I will have that put in next month (I think, as money goes, you know). No need to break in the engine, so says their chief mechanic.
Technically, it's the 28th as I post, if that's a problem, get a life.
It is always a bear getting the deal to work, trades are difficult, and knowing if or how badly you are being worked is not really possible. However, I like the deal, it's within my parameters, it was simple in a mechanical way, and it's done.
It's a Nissan Xterra Off-road with a better than stock stereo, automatic, with a few extra goodies too boot. I wanted the blue, didn't want to wait (supposedly) 6 months.
Update 4-27-07:
I brought her home today. I took her for a drive right off the lot. Came home and my cousin stopped by. Took her for a ride again, he insisted against my great resistance. Came back home. Took her for a ride again. Came home. I think I'll do something novel, go for a ride and pick up groceries (just enough to excuse the late jaunt).
I do like the Xterra, it could move on to love and trust, but I take my time. She is very comfortable and sits quite high (a good high, not tilty or stretched feeling). She has some brass, but after the Camaro, it would take A LOT to impress me. Still, there is a feel of a smaller v-8 instead of the real 4.0L v-6. She is much taller than she appears in the picture above. I can ground step into her, just about perfectly, but I am 6'4"(+). In real life, she almost has the affect the little hummer might bring. So far, so good.
I won't worry about mileage until she has 2k under her belt. And, one immediate mod... synthetic oil. I will have that put in next month (I think, as money goes, you know). No need to break in the engine, so says their chief mechanic.
Technically, it's the 28th as I post, if that's a problem, get a life.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
The Call of the Wild
I’ve been dreaming of late. No, I didn’t dream of two more snows, again. The dreams weren’t about current real life or even possible future in a general sense. The dreams seemed to be more of a calling than anything. I dreamed of mountains, valleys, streams, rain, wind, snow, and sunshine. I dreamed of a natural life without schedules, the typical rush, and without most modern conveniences. I dreamed of getting to some places others can’t drive, and some other places not even the best drivers and vehicles may go. It wasn’t an easy idyllic dream. It was sometimes hard work just living. Quite often, most often, it would be considered boring compared to tv, computer games, work, and modern play. But the dreams are powerful.
I am not sure I can make this dream real. But I feel the draw. I don’t suppose I would do it for the rest of my life, but it would be nice to do it for a year or two. I wouldn’t do such a thing just to say I did or to prove myself (did that last, to great dissatisfaction and some small griefs). No, I would do this to reset my priorities, to understand a simple life before continuing with this complicated one, to explore my nation, and for a daily dose of fresh air right up my nose.
Now, I don’t plan to die out there, as many with similar dreams seem to mis-plan to do. I have been looking at everything from vehicles to gps beacons to field kit and food and water, short and long term solutions and possibilities. It isn’t something I could do this year, very possibly not next year. However, it is something I could be preparing to do. I have already started buying some of my needs, testing these where and when I can. I will be buying more things in time and some things over time. Self-heating MRE’s and other fireless food solutions, target practice and perhaps small game hunting experience up-dating, technology studies regarding phones, beacons, and other convenient or “necessary” equipment, general field and location planning, even mail resources discovery. No, I don’t plan to “live the dream”, I just plan to live simply and control-alt-delete my personal machine. I might even be able to do this frugally enough to jump start my retirement account (which, for all practical purposes, I don’t need being that I am already receiving retirement. However, I might want to buy a house someday, or go back to school on my own nickel.).
I must admit, the world I’m living in leaves much to be desired. Politics and morals are so poor as to make a man despair. Still, and in truth, today is yesterday and will be tomorrow. Sometimes civil life is bad and sometimes my ruby glasses have turned to blood red and I just can’t see the goodness for the roses. My bad, and part of my consideration. If the world is horrible, is the viewer the problem or is the world? Is my lust for things, women, and achievement or lack of attaining these things in ways which are satisfactory the problem or is the world really going wrong?
Most will never be able to know. Women generally couldn’t and wouldn’t do what I am planning. Most men wouldn’t either, to be quite honest. I am not even sure I will do it, but at this point, that is my plan. In two years (slimly possibly less), after this coming August, I plan on having my house cleaned out, selling or disposing of things that won’t last, storing the rest (yeah, I’m keeping my Kershaw Shun layered steel kitchen knives and clever, All-Clad cookware, leather couch set, and mucho good comfy bed for when I get back). But much of the rest, computer included, will go away. I might have to get a lap-top though, I have heard satellite phones can now offer internet services. I know it’s not “outdoors-like”, but it can be convenient for shopping for vitals, an occasional blog, email, and general and specific local information, and trip planning (and burning time on those stupid games). Well, only a maybe on the lap-top.
Until then, I have a lot to do so… “Just, just get off my back man!”. Hehehe I think I’m hyped, a little nervous, and even a little cynical of my own resolve, among other things, all rolled into a nifty ditty-bag called me.
I am not sure I can make this dream real. But I feel the draw. I don’t suppose I would do it for the rest of my life, but it would be nice to do it for a year or two. I wouldn’t do such a thing just to say I did or to prove myself (did that last, to great dissatisfaction and some small griefs). No, I would do this to reset my priorities, to understand a simple life before continuing with this complicated one, to explore my nation, and for a daily dose of fresh air right up my nose.
Now, I don’t plan to die out there, as many with similar dreams seem to mis-plan to do. I have been looking at everything from vehicles to gps beacons to field kit and food and water, short and long term solutions and possibilities. It isn’t something I could do this year, very possibly not next year. However, it is something I could be preparing to do. I have already started buying some of my needs, testing these where and when I can. I will be buying more things in time and some things over time. Self-heating MRE’s and other fireless food solutions, target practice and perhaps small game hunting experience up-dating, technology studies regarding phones, beacons, and other convenient or “necessary” equipment, general field and location planning, even mail resources discovery. No, I don’t plan to “live the dream”, I just plan to live simply and control-alt-delete my personal machine. I might even be able to do this frugally enough to jump start my retirement account (which, for all practical purposes, I don’t need being that I am already receiving retirement. However, I might want to buy a house someday, or go back to school on my own nickel.).
I must admit, the world I’m living in leaves much to be desired. Politics and morals are so poor as to make a man despair. Still, and in truth, today is yesterday and will be tomorrow. Sometimes civil life is bad and sometimes my ruby glasses have turned to blood red and I just can’t see the goodness for the roses. My bad, and part of my consideration. If the world is horrible, is the viewer the problem or is the world? Is my lust for things, women, and achievement or lack of attaining these things in ways which are satisfactory the problem or is the world really going wrong?
Most will never be able to know. Women generally couldn’t and wouldn’t do what I am planning. Most men wouldn’t either, to be quite honest. I am not even sure I will do it, but at this point, that is my plan. In two years (slimly possibly less), after this coming August, I plan on having my house cleaned out, selling or disposing of things that won’t last, storing the rest (yeah, I’m keeping my Kershaw Shun layered steel kitchen knives and clever, All-Clad cookware, leather couch set, and mucho good comfy bed for when I get back). But much of the rest, computer included, will go away. I might have to get a lap-top though, I have heard satellite phones can now offer internet services. I know it’s not “outdoors-like”, but it can be convenient for shopping for vitals, an occasional blog, email, and general and specific local information, and trip planning (and burning time on those stupid games). Well, only a maybe on the lap-top.
Until then, I have a lot to do so… “Just, just get off my back man!”. Hehehe I think I’m hyped, a little nervous, and even a little cynical of my own resolve, among other things, all rolled into a nifty ditty-bag called me.
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