A stitch in time...

So much time, so many interests, so little money. So the story goes. As I get set to start life anew, there are topics I feel I must learn. To that end, I have purchased a small library of practical guides, developed a network of bookmarks, and joined a few forums as well. The two guides I am currently most nose-deep in are “The Tree Climbers Companion” by Jeff Jepson and “The ABC’s of Reloading”. Knots, safety, techniques, terms, functions, and probabilities, all there to read and imagine but nothing to touch! Beyond those interests, I am researching modifications for my vehicle in order to travel in the mountains, camping gear, a bear defense revolver, and reloading equipment and components. All of which require money, and no small sum of it.

As I am figuring my needs and timetables, I am trying to prioritize my purchasing order. Initially, I thought cost might be the way. For many reasons that doesn’t work. For example, climbing is the least expensive of the needs and once the gear is in hand, it would be the least expensive to practice. Unlike the other projects or items, however, I am able to learn and practice this without paying the initial cost, and quite inexpensively at that. There happens to be a local public indoor rock climbing gym. Only some of that will cross over to tree climbing, but I think it will be enough. So, climbing gear goes to a back burner. How to figure the rest will be a mix of guessing, sales, luck, and consideration. Anyway I do it, it will be complicated, debatable, and financially precarious. I often get confused over this and that, scratching my head in uncertainty. I have to just let it go and see what will work out. I have my next item picked, but won’t be able to buy it for two months.

At $800+ dollars for a minimum kit plus the extras for solo climbing, it is the least expensive. To gear up the Xterra, I am looking at $3,500+ if I do the work myself, the camping gear will take $2,000+, the revolver is about $1000, the reloading kit is right at $2,000 (considering purchased ammunition costs for serious practice, and that this covers those costs, trust me that this pays for itself easily and allows me to tailor my rounds to my current skill level and then up to the needed ammunition), and the cost of practicing with camping gear and my vehicle will be $5000+ (with gas, food, fees, etc. for as many trips as possible). A grand total of $14,300+ dollars. If life wasn’t expensive, that wouldn’t be such a problem, but it is. Coming out of “what is left”, makes negotiating the costs a trick, especially the higher dollar pieces confounding a timely learning of skills. Only two of those sets can be bought in a single month, if I am careful. The rest will need several months of saving. I gave myself a little over two years to plan and prepare and I will need it, and a prayer.

I know, this might seem like quite an expense for a leisure tour. Let me correct something here and now. This is not for leisure, it is a chance at life, because I am slowly dieing as I sit here. If I do nothing, simply put, nothing will change. The medical field has mostly failed me for twenty years, but it has only just recently opened a window of opportunity for me to attempt a change. That window is both narrow and time sensitive. I won’t be able to do that by doing what I have been doing. My body is in good shape, extremely good if you knew the all the facts. My mind is good enough that before recent problems it was getting me through engineering college, if part time though without the recent help. But my will is in question. It is this that must be exercised. If I lose, if this fails, if the window closes before I can turn the window into a full fledged escape route or doorway or whatever, there may never be a way out again.

As well, after having survived many dark and terrible things, a harsh reality or two, and all the little extras life can add to the ignominy of situations, I just will not leave the slow march toward the grave of inactivity only to jump into a quick grave of pure adrenaline. I fully intend to go there and learn, survive and thrive, regain my will and way, and then to come back and move forward in a new life. To those ends, a lot of care and expense now will not only produce a more enjoyable and full life in the lead up, but will ensure my survival.

Another day in the life of a cartoon.

Hot. I said “Hot.”. Once again, Hot, it’s hot out there. Which is cool. Although I had better drink a bit more water if I’m going to try and mobilize in this weather. When it’s too hot to stay cool at any speed and too humid for sweat to cool, water and moisture soaking cotton, a shower and change should the cotton get too full, and that should do the trick. My eyes feel like they must be dilated, other than that I am fine.

Well, I got my hair cut. I think I’m going to have to look around. It’s not as bad as the last one, but after telling him I wanted it feathered back with a layering affect, but cut to summer lengths, I got a high and tight, with only the high-top featherable. Oh yeah, I feel as pretty as Herman Munster. Hmm, short hair is new to me though so maybe this will work out. It is cooler and I feel much more clean and kempt, and it is sure easier to wash and get dry.

Dang, I think I will be making it to church today! It’s been a while since I have kept the Sabbath holy in an official manner, though I always remember it and keep it as holy as I have been able. Until recently, maybe even now, getting someplace at a regular time has been quite the trick. As well, I know so few there that I am always a stranger. A stranger among families even, as many of those who attend my church have known each other in the area all of their lives and generations back. I am a blip, if even that, to them. Beyond that, I have never known anyone but my Mom and my brother for more than five years. We have some cultural differences. Still, when I am not too weak or confused from exhaustion, I go in without a trouble or toil. I wish I knew the service better, but that will just take time.

My reward, should I be on time and in fashion, is to join the shooting club in a neighboring city tomorrow (the twin cities I live in are too liberal to even contemplate a citizen with a gun (except for the city council and the police, that is, perhaps judges too)) to allow anything so awful as a place for such… peasants… to shoot. I think they have an archery place, but the club you have to join is so communist I couldn’t get through the door. They know it and I know it. Besides, why would I, essentially, throw a stick at something when I could kill it a little farther out. If I was interested in a close contest and a determined hunt, I’d use my bowie knife. Still, at least there is club nearby, indoors for winter and some days when it is too hot, and several outdoor places. No rifles, for the moment, some neighbor of the range passed on and his son or son-in-law moved in from some communist place or other and found a technicality from a 50 year old contract and overcame status quo to remove rifles. I guess the good thing is he wasn’t able to null the whole contract.

Oh, I got groceries. Last night, after eating my last can of tomato soup, prepared with water even (I don’t recommend it if you usually use whole milk), got me to thinking. Yep, yes, yea, I am hungry! So, mostly good to my word, I got a lot of canned (in water, 50% less sodium even) tuna, whole wheat bread, and the other good things. Then I slid a bit. I guess I don’t care if snickers is vegan, a pack of regular bars lasts a couple months and just absolutely hits the spot when life stinks, I’m fed but still missing something, or I just need to wolf some fats. A packet of peanut M&M’s got in my cart, probably put there by Evel Squirrel or Killy Kat on one of their secret missions or something. I hear they are tricky.

Another day, but where is the dollar?

Well, ok, today didn’t go off as planned. It was raining, so the lawn didn’t get mowed. No, no, I actually feel bad. Not because I didn’t have to mow but because it’s at least eight inches high and wet, which means it’ll be a bear when it finally dries! I also didn’t get my hair cut. The Fussy One, or Q.O.D. (queen of darkness) as I (not so) secretly call her stopped by today. She always ruffles my hair, sometimes my feathers, uses my levorotary, whatever other facilities she needs or wants, and leaves. Today she was broke, therefore she had plans for my money. So, off to Shrek III we went. I used to be a Shrek fan, but Shrek used to be funny. Now, it’s a politically correct wreck, mirroring Hollywood’s darknesses with only spots that could be called OK at best. Still, I had the pleasure of paying for and being in the presence of the dread Q.O.D. She is the one who didn’t like my view of air-conditioning on an 80+ F high humidity day, by the way. Maybe the Obfussticator might be a better nickname, she is difficult to define.

I did start on my apartment. Some is done, some is left, some more will be done this day. I also tracked down the last bits of information about my potential trip to Colorado, and with all in hand, reviewed my finances. Sadly, I had to pass this time. I will just have to figure it out for next year, though I will be in all-around better shape and know how to plan much more quickly. Too, there will be a little more money in the pot for a more leisurely trip. I might even be able to visit one of my mothers, hmmm, maybe two of them, while I am out that way. The two I don’t get to see quarterly. I don’t keep track of the 35-40 siblings, but I do track my various mothers. The one father I claim died when I was in my teens.

Oh, I’ve been finding some fine female bloggers and have been leaving my little gifts. I am no poet or great writer, but some women come across as so beautiful that I can’t help but try. I can but hope that their response might be akin to the woman teacher who receives a rose of whatever color from a boy student, or at least how it was played out when I used to do that.

I think I’ll take a nap, then get up and get at it. I should stop by a store too. I think I’m about to change my diet a great deal. Much more canned tuna, wheat(ish) bread, beans, rice, and a thinning of my typical beef fare. Whole milk stays, that’s mine, same with butter, but I think I’m going for lighter, easier to prepare, faster energy foods. I don’t know, but I’m working on this. The meds are doing what they can, now I’m freed a bit to do what I can. So, I am… trying…

Time Stamps are off.

I just noticed, I was up and writing my first blog an hour before I was up writing this blog OR the time stamp is off. Nope, checked with this last blog. Checked that I had the time set to Central, yep. Their machine is wrong! It's infecting other machines with it's wrongness! On the other hand, whatever. Just thought you ought to know, in case you thought you were doing something when you weren't. Trust me, you weren't. Anyone else's blog times off?

As the world turns.

A great day. I didn’t get everything completed, but then I ended up doing some things that weren’t on my list. The grooming was a great start for today, in, out, done. I called AVA and they said no problem on their part, my size and shape are sufficient. I called the U of Iowa rock wall climbing gym, they are closed until the 5th, but they filled me in on the schedules, required training and when to take it, what to wear, that they rent shoes, and costs. I have decided to skip buying my own wet suit immediately after talking to AVA, though it’s on a short list. As well, I thought about buying a farmer john, as that is what really would be needed for the trip since arms and shoulders need to be more mobile than a regular suit would allow but I want a one piece full suit for snorkeling, and scuba if I get that far. I had a friend who needed a lift after leaving her vehicle at the shop, and so had a captive breakfast mate. Later, she asked me to drive her to the doctor, but she didn’t like air conditioning in 80 F high humidity weather and rolled down the window. Now, I don’t mind doing a favor, but I’m a little prickly about ingratitude while doing that favor. She decided she would drive herself. Which worked as I was able to go on to Mass which I would otherwise have missed. Yes, I see the potential conflict there, seemingly not being giving and so getting to go the church, but it really was her choice, and she gets grumpy like this often. I made it to Mass and it was good. I visited with several friends who just happened to be there today, one seemed happy to see me but the other seemed a little unsure, I have an idea of why but no way to fix it, so I’ll leave it in God’s hands. I didn’t have time for the barber. As well, I plumb ran out of gas (personal umph type gas) so I didn’t go out shooting. But, The things I missed will just be for tomorrow.

I’m still not sure I will make it out to Colorado, but I am doing as much planning as I can to try and decide. I haven’t figured out who to contact for camping options, so my lodging out that way is questionable. With money being a factor, I will just have to crack down and dig a little more and a little deeper. A campsite with shower facilities is what I am seeking. Even if I use it two of the three or four nights I will be there, it should shave quite a bit off of my expenses.

All in all, even if I get not a single thing more completed, I am pleased with this day. Yet, I believe I will tack down camping information and call yet today or tomorrow, I’ll find out which men’s barbershop I wish to use, I’ll take a nap, have a little supper, and then get to straightening this apartment up. It’s not bad, but it’s not as I would keep it if I had been doing well. Now that I’m doing well, it’s time to dig in and put a little sparkle in the place. Besides, I rest better and am more comfortable in a straightened apartment.

I’ll probably have to mow the lawn tomorrow too. But, we’ll discuss that another time perhaps. That’s one job I think should go the way of crank started cars. Let it grow! Sheesh. Snow removal I understand, grass cutting… not so much. Have mice? Get a cat. Have hay fever or allergies? Like anything but meds help anyway. Like things perfect? Your on the wrong planet, control freak. I guess we won’t have to discuss it later. In my final analysis of mowing the lawn, I have this to say: BAH! Oh, and one more thing; BAH x 2, maybe 3. Bah!

Another day, a good one.

Sleep makes a world of difference. As does waking up rested. Nothing is quite normal yet, but it is much better. Beyond that, I have some reason to believe my health issues are about to be cared for, initially via medication but enhanced and perhaps even taken care of completely with a change in lifestyle made possible by these medications and my natural interests. Today, for example, is a busy day for busy reasons!

I will, shortly, get in and shower, brush, shave (quickly becoming a daily endeavor). Then I will dress, find something for my belly (though breakfast out doesn’t sound bad either), make a few calls including AVA whitewater rafting company, the U. of I. wall climbing desk, a few local diving shops, perhaps Diver Joes if those don’t work, then look for a barber and then get a trim, head to church from there, and then make a run to the range and see if I can hit anything today. And, I’ll probably stop somewhere to pick up a cooler. I might research coolers a bit first to see if a plane jane will work or whether the techy ones are truly worth it. Sometimes a nickel saved is a nickel lost, in the end.

My blood pressure is fantastic. I woke up before the alarm. And, without breakfast or coffee (which I rarely drink these days), I’m pretty much ready to go. I’ve run out of Coca Cola with splenda, and I believe I am going with bottled water here on out. Though a weekly tip to my favorite beverage company or even using it when driving long trips won’t be skin off my nose, it just doesn’t need to be daily. Now, if I could just get to the point where I quit chewing, I’d be all set! Life is good.

I’ve been thinking about politics and politicians recently. Though I have an elaborate set of who is who and what is what, I have decided it isn’t a valuable asset to proffer here. It is offered every other place one looks it seems, so I will try to maintain this one place free from that sin. This is for the thoughts and life of one humble, foolish, curious, intelligent, believing, faithful mortal a bit past middle life on his way to a hole, and as I believe it, the next step.

I guess any pet can have a chewing problem.

What is up with crayfish? You heard me right. A few years ago, my cousin moved in as a housemate after his divorce. While living here, he though pet fish would be fun so he bought a tank, rocks, etc. Finally, when it was all set up, he bought some fish and a small frog. When he was looking at the bag of creatures pulled from the tank, while still at the store, he noticed a crayfish. He asked the guy helping him about it and the guy told him they don’t even sell crayfish so it would be free, if he wanted it. It was in bad shape, was missing a pincer and most of it’s antennae and didn’t look like it would make it. He took it anyway.

The thing was maybe an inch long when he brought it home and put it in his 10 gallon tank with his other fish. Well, it got bigger. And then it got bigger. And then it ate a fish then another, we initially suspected the other fish. That is, until he caught the crayfish feasting on his favored and expensive (to him) frog’s leg. He was mad! He was going to flush it. Well, I felt for the little hard-case. I bought a 10 gallon tank just for him. He has molted (?) a dozen times since then, he now has blue tint on some of his pincer shell and is seven inches long.

The thing is feeding him was, at first, difficult. I could find nothing in the stores which seemed to fit, so fed him beta fish food. Then, I started to get gold fish for him to try and make sure he was getting something he had shown an interest in eating. He was grateful, they were not. However, everything I have tried to plant in his tank has been chewed and killed, the “seeds” of which, he shreds. So, I recently found food, if not for him, for other types like him (hermit crabs) which he LOVES. Just to see, I also purchased some more goldfish and in his tank they went. They remain, after a month, alive, much bigger, if a little skittish. So, I was thinking to add plants again, which I indeed did to. First morning, today, after doing so, and guess what. They have been dug up and chewed up. Dranged Nabbit anyway. I am going to leave the “seed” remains and see if something will develop anyway.

Meanwhile, on Xenophic 3...

Take your pick.

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	Your super-secret codename is: Doomed.
	Your mission is... Jump from a boat onto a convertible then onto a train for no apparent reason
'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com

	Your super-secret codename is: DOOM
	Your mission is... Set each teletubby on fire and bury their carcasses in the abandoned salt mines
'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com

	Your super-secret codename is: JAM
	Your mission is... Impose freedom in scary ways
'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Where do these thoughts come from?

Some days and some times I don’t understand anything. The universe, go figure. I never understand that but there are times when I am more or less aware of my ignorance. It’s understanding can be tantalizingly close at hand, yet never quite within reach. At other times, it’s a cold hard implacable system that just will not yield to my will or understanding, nor leave me alone with it’s persistent insistent realities. I’m not a physics based scientist, tending to be more akin to the ancient Greek scientists, theorize and leave it at that or if needs must try to use the theory and revert to trial and error like the rest of the successful fools when time has run out for sitting on haunches. Though from what I am gathering, many of the physicists are more advanced mathematicians and theorists than reality scientists these days, who knows. As for you, well, you don’t even know yourself. Just look at yourself sitting there reading this wondering nothing and then realizing I’m in your head. I bet you can hear my words as you read this. Sheesh, how am I supposed to figure you out when you are so open while reading and so closed when in person? Don’t mind me, I’m funnin’ ya. As for myself, some days I’m spot on with personal interprolation of where I was, where I am, and where I am going, give or take. I do what I intend, I don’t fuss with uncertainties, I have strength and will, and my body is my own. On others, like just now, I would be hard pressed to make a plan and see it through over the course of the next few hours, maybe days. My body isn’t quite a prison, but it’s not exactly mine either.

I wonder how many hide this from themselves though, and just do what they must, staying so busy or being required by the circumstances they have chosen to be thusly indisposed for the stated reason. Given my circumstances, how long would it take to become like me? Would most people become like me, sink completely into their psyche, or find some way out? As for me, I’m looking for the door in the house in my mind, in this “thought” my mind is “me”, the door is the “way”, and the house is “my body”. I see the sun shining and the green grass through the windows, yet I know it is winter outside and that there is snow on the ground and clouds blocking the sun. How do I know, you may ask? Because I have gone through that door before. I have been stuck on both sides of the door. And honestly, I am not sure which is worse nor which is better. Warm and safe and comfortable and becoming weaker by the second compared to surviving, thriving, and enjoying life with the risk of failure and a quick or slow, painless or painful death.

I sometimes wonder if I have not already died. I wonder if I am not in purgatory. I wonder how I would know. I wonder what I should do. Then, I know. If this is indeed purgatory, then my only way is to go toward God, follow his words, and never look back. If I am alive, great! Then I won’t have to go through this “again” if I follow my own advice. *laughs* And, in this seeming eternity that has been my life, I only have a few more real time decades or so before I can leave, graduate, or go home. I must say however, that to me, it feels like I have been alive for centuries, millennium, to be honest, even longer. I am no longer too little butter over too much toast, but more a drop of oil stretched over all things somehow. The word “thin” doesn’t quite define my sense of this, I don’t think any word does, none that would mean anything as no one understands infinite.

All I know right now is that I know nothing. Which to my way of thinking, is almost too much to know or understand for one man.

Know it all?

I don’t know how to do much. I suppose I never did. And, there for a while, I wondered if I could do anything based on my knowledge. Then I remembered something. Everything I did in the past was done, if only initially, in nearly total ignorance. So, why this sudden need to be knowledgeable BEFORE beginning a project or new thing? Is it experience catching up to me, that sinking feeling you get after doing something new and doing it expensively or dangerously wrong? Is it being surrounded by people who just say, “You can’t do that.”, as much because they don’t want you to or can’t do it themselves? I don’t know, but I am slowly turning that around.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go out and jump in a fighter jet and just start pushing buttons or something. However, I won’t continue to sit in my apartment and wonder. Take, for example, tree climbing of the rope and knot variety. I just purchased a book and I have been reading it. Money is too tight for a month or two to actually buy the minimal gear, but once that is in play, I am going to go out, find a tree, and see what I can do. I may also head out on white water, take an off-road trip, and begin to reload my own boolets, as they seem to be referred to by the insiders. Yes, I will read, yes, I will use a fair amount of caution, no, I’m not going to just sit and wonder.

As I was writing this, I was fixing up some French press coffee. I am out of milk and not interested in a morning run to the store. I thought a bit and realized I had vanilla ice cream. You know what, you really don’t need to know it all to do it right! Mmmmm, mmmmm.

How is the water?

Plans, plans, and more plans. A fellow blogger and crew are planning a trip white water rafting. After initially thinking I couldn’t do it this year, I have reconsidered after a family reunion fell through. As well, in the same area, is a group of Xterra off-roaders, a club actually, with whom I have been conversing. I could also meet some of them while there. Driving would cost $350 plus in gas. Lodging would cost at least $350 if I stay only in hotels, though I could mix in camping for some of the nights take that cost down by half or more. I don’t have much gear at the moment, but my tent (or even sleeping in my Xterra), a sleeping bag, and picking up a cooler might be enough if there are fire pits. The rafting is about $100. As always, there is food, with the cooler and local grocery stores I could bring that down a lot too. I would just grab some jugs of water here at home, so no real liquid requirements. But there are always other costs which just aren’t, maybe can’t be, forseen. So, $600-$800 planned, less if I do it carefully. Could be a trip is in the making. The fourteen hour drive, though not fun, is not even a major concern.

Of course, there is a little more I need to think about. And, there are a few oddities which bring rafting into question, among them my size. It is fun making legitimate plans, even if it comes to naught I will have a better idea of what trip planning is going to be like. I will be calling the rafting place tomorrow if I don’t get a “No” from the other blogger. This might be the time for me to finally get off my butt and go. Urhm, or not, but if not this time, the time is coming.

The government has you covered, almost.

They will make slaves of us all. If some of the most well educated can be forced to not do their job or if they try, to be forced out of their employment, what will happen to you? I hope you do not vote for free medical care, simply because that is precisely the value of care you will receive, but it won’t be free. Expect a one third or more increase in your taxes. To you who are retired and don’t care what the kids are paying in taxes, this is your future.

Life can be just fantastic, even if only in little sips at a time.

I went golfing today for the first time. Some gents from my Church had talked about this some time back, and it seems like me, took their time making it happen. Well, it is good to know I am not alone in living a complicated, difficult to schedule life, if for different reasons. As well, it offered me the chance to order a set of golf clubs, buy some tees (teas?), and finally just the other day to finally pick up some golf balls.

It was a fantastic thing! I did not hit perfectly, I did not shoot great often, and saying I regularly shot ok might be pushing it. Hitting the ball at all was a plaguing trick. Hitting it straight seemed to come naturally. Getting loft was a bit of a struggle, as I grounded about half of my shots. Finding the ball was fairly straight forward, albeit the ruffs (roughs?) were very tame. I am not sure how far I shot, but my best three were as far as the better golfers or at least in that range and on the fairway. What fun, even if we were rained out before we could finish the 4th hole.

There was another gentleman, of about my size, who was also a first time golfer. Which was perfect, since we were able to share the clubs. He too had a great deal of fun, and has set his mind on a set of clubs for himself. As well, he has indicated an interest in going again and practicing together. To top it off, one of the experienced golfers did compliment me, saying that I had “really” made some great hits. He is not the type to hand a compliment without being literal, and maybe a little impressed. The other regular golfer just sort of looked at me with a bit of surprise, being young and an exchange student, I think he is still a little unsure of his place though so he did not say anything.

I had thought I would get in lessons before we went, but like I am want to do and with my several and varied recent expenditures, I was not able to do so. Actually, I am glad I did not take lessons. As well, I will probably play many rounds to get a pattern down before I go in and try to improve, as trying to improve an irregular shot seems odd to me at this point.

In my opinion, even if you have always been an anti-golfer type, just try it. You don’t need new clubs, most clubs will rent those. You can probably find an inexpensive club ($14 for 9 holes, with a cart, in a generally very expensive region to live). And you don’t need lessons (though I might suggest a course map, as the other new guy and myself fell behind a time or two and ended up ). All in a daysshooting at or nearly shooting at the wrong holes work. I still have a lot to learn, including course etiquette, but I think I will enjoy getting out of the house for even one more thing.

Another new thing is coming up. I feel a bit more comfortable with it, now that I have tried a long feared, dreaded, and sometimes disliked sport and not only enjoyed it, plan on continuing, and did ok for a new guy. I will be practicing shooting my Springfield XD .45 acp tactical (tactical means a 5” barrel, part of the name) in preparation for, I believe, and ISPCA(?) event. I won’t be competing, but I may get to do an un-timed run through the course. I probably won’t compete with this particular pistol, as I plan on having it as home use, personal practice, and maybe a carry pistol, so installing ghost rings and an internal laser sight, none of which is acceptable for competition. However, there are a lot of other pistols and revolvers out there just taking up case or closet space. Sigh, but money is allocated for a bit. With camping gear, climbing gear, reloading (yes, ammunition reloading) equipment, Xterra mods, all in the pipeline, and my next gun purchases probably going for a bear defense gun (either S&W .460 or .500) and maybe a .357 revolver, it would be next summer before I could really look into a competition pistol, all the rigging, and travel and club fees and costs, the pistol mostly likely being a Para-Ordnance .45 acp hi-cap.

What do I know?

I try to keep this place clean of politics, controversies of the popular and typical nature, and just offer thoughts and questions, a few of my answers, and specifics about my life. In real life, I am much more defined, give or take. I have started to wonder if I am in fact hardcore. Well, not that really, as I am. I guess I wonder if I am acidicly hardcore. If I am difficult to be with, repulsive in a general manner, and or too strong in my opinions and beliefs to be enjoyed by fellow humans.

Really, I hope everyone thinks about this. But more, I hope everyone worries about this. I would much rather talk to a woman who didn’t put on mascara, lipstick, or drop a breath mint yet worries about this than a typical non-thinking feminist, lesbian, or rude woman. What about the guy who believes in a government which would suppress my current rights so that he would “feel safe” and doesn’t even realize he is rude or his thinking is extremely debatable and dubious? Should I even talk to those people? Once again though, I am back to my first thoughts. Am I too harsh?

I do not mind asking the question. Though I might have a middling average answer, collected and averaged over a dozen days and with a dozen moods on those days, it is for me and unimportant for others. The outliers, should these data be graphed, can be annoying, debatable, and humbling as I see them. But that I look and worry is a comfort rather than the cause for greater concern. I could ask if these aforementioned folk do the same, but they are not the issue and never will be, for me. Or, at least, I don’t believe they should be.

What the Godless do is of no concern to the Christian should it not be made a concern of the Christian. These things, I leave in their hands, while offering a prayer for them. As for me, I think I’ll keep on looking at myself in relation to the rest of my kindred, for my part. I will ask myself if I am too brutal. I won’t always like the answer, but I know where to go to get straight. I do have some abstract distanced sympathy for those who do not know where to take this should they blindly stumble upon it, but for those who choose not to know I give nothing. Yes, I can be brutal.

Questions? No, just life today.

My health is starting to improve. Working with the doctor, my blood pressure is coming down and I am still able to conduct limited business and pleasure. Sleep patterns become a bit topsy-turvy with each medicine adjustment or addition every two weeks, but when improvements are seen it is tolerable. Function is rudimentary, yet my recent past is my own in that I remember it well and can concentrate much better, if I am not always fully able to act on my purposes. And, I have been able to act on more of them than before; passively, directed, and sometimes actively.

In business, there have been many complications in the buying process with the Xterra. The vehicle runs great so far, but every piece of paperwork I completed in the purchase has had to be reworked in a piece-meal fashion, including the trade-in paperwork. The custom stereo they indicated they could remove and replace with the stock stereo in the trade also remains a problem. I probably will nail my foot to the floor before doing business there again. Even if I was more energetic at the moment, I would not be pleased to have had to make five visits, so far, to complete a deal I had thought completed weeks ago.

Bane has been a great joy to read lately. I probably should hold my tongue more at his place and other sites. Honestly, I have opinions, beliefs, some knowledge, but I am perfectly balanced, with a huge chip on both shoulders, and I am just as foolish as the next guy. As well, my thoughts and style seem to be greatly despised, if not there, then at most places, too long winded and rambling I think. As for the chips, I’ve been whittling them away, as I don’t really need them, might not deserve them, but certainly don’t want those loadstones. It’s a slow process. I’m hoping as physical health and shape come into their own, I can cast the anchors aweigh while severing the chains of the past that bind. No one will like me any better for the loss of chips, but I will like me and life better perhaps.

On other fronts, I’ve been collecting and testing bits and pieces for my planned adventure. I have been testing and enjoying the Xterra. I have started target shooting a bit more. I have been continuing my research into all of these topics, and more. And, I have been staying out of trouble. That last is not so difficult these days, as trouble just doesn’t seem fun anymore. In my searches, I have found much information, and a few interesting extras. There is nothing like running into Zen while reading a reloading forum. As for Zen’s place in my world, I now see it as a philosophy rather than the one-time religious belief. As such, I enjoy it immensely, and appreciate others interest in it, even if their take seems to be of a religious nature.

Life isn’t bad, but I am thinking the place of normalcy and happiness is just right around the next corner. Bah, I might as well admit it, there is no corner to turn for happiness. I’ve always been there, I just don’t always appreciate it. Shhhh!

My mind at work. Low paying job, but it's sok.

It seems there were twenty three visits to this blog this week. I am impressed! Oh, I know, in the blog-o-sphere, that is a paltry sum. But to me, well, it’s a surprise. This blog is more like a child coloring on a sidewalk, never expecting people from the next block to stop by and look. Now, I receive no comments, so for all I know, the visitors are just government regulators making sure I’m not making money, supporting something nefarious, or bored and looking around because they are getting paid to do so and don’t really want to look for real problems. I did say I had a wonderful imagination, didn’t I?

Going back to a previous post, I had indicated that I was going to try and do some introspection. Since I had concluded the outcome of a person’s life based on their actions and analyzed that in a manner that I thought was excellent, I caught myself in that whole analysis system and so I said I would look into my life. Yea, well, I did so and it wasn’t always pleasant. I used my memory, I spoke with others to check my memory against their memory, I looked over paperwork to check some facts, and… I am a liar.

No, I don’t lie when I have taken cookies out of the cookie jar and no one sees me, to prevent trouble, I’m rather bold and would just advise more cookies be bought, might even plunk down for them. I don’t try and tell the officer who pulled me over I didn’t realize my speed (velocity, but don’t get smart). I really just say, yes, I realize my speed (I do think velocity, but that’s another issue). Usually when I’ve been pulled over, I just didn’t realize the posted speed, other times (very rare) I was pushing it, and I tell him this. Why lie? I also don’t lie to girlfriends about my needs or wants, expectations or limitations, or past romances or current interests. But I have lied to myself and others about where I want to be, that, according to my history.

I may be looking for a wife. I may want a wife and children. But my history doesn’t indicate that. Albeit, my interest in a family is somewhat newfound (if always back there somewhere), other stated goals were long standing and seemingly remain. I seem to move, sluggishly, in a direction, and then change course 90 degrees, or more, then change again if I got too close. I certainly have had some major shifts in life, yet I have accomplished nothing. It might almost seem, rather than being destined to fail, I have chosen to fail.

In the final analysis though, I have not lived up to my stated goals. I am, indeed, a liar, maybe a coward, and definitely confused. There is tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. I am not depressed, just a little disappointed in myself. I don’t hate myself for this. I know there are some legitimate reasons mixed in with the lame excuses. I also know that being a product of my life as it has unfolded is not an easy thing to overcome. I wonder if many don’t end up in these sad worn shoes of life I have on at my age? Yet, as I said, there is tomorrow, and if I have few other things, I have hope. It does spring eternal, and for that at least though truly among many other things, I do thank God.

I'm always late, Mum. But we know...

While reading other blogs, I couldn’t miss the many Mother’s Day missives and thanks. My bases were covered this year, though seemingly more by fortune than by preparation. Having said that, I should add that beyond telling my Mum I love her before ending a call or leaving after a visit (happy ending or sour), I do thank the woman verbally and in gifts as often as I can and when I think about it. Mother’s Day is everyday, for my purposes, I suppose. But all of the reading and what it brings to mind, seemed to bubble up today.

Now, I don’t often agree with my mother. And, I don’t always like my mother. As any businessman will tell you, it isn’t about that. Life is like business in some ways. With family and friends, financial dealings, police work I’m sure, and the military, it’s about getting things done. Our personal feelings and our wishes have to be set aside, at times, in order for a more perfect union. So it is with my relationship with my Mother.

She is the backbone of most of what I grew up knowing as a family. She made mistakes, married often, and moved many many times, with my brother and myself in tow. In a confused 60’s and 70’s world, she sought shelter in a cruel world and found none. Still, she managed to push, pull, help, and love two boys to manhood the best she could. We always had food, often of the good home-cooked variety (something I didn’t appreciate until a decade ago, but now cherish in memory but sadly will never be able to duplicate). We always had decent, if polyester at times (fads, ack), clothing and shoes. We had some toys, a few pets, and were always warm in the winter. Summers in Iowa back then were just what they were, nobody had AC (or remote controls). We also had fun, as a family, and parts of that family, tears too. But the best thing she gave us was the surety that we were loved and wanted. We were both adopted, hand-picked she said.

I know how imperfect mothers can be. I have seen many warts, blemishes, failures, and mistakes from three different mothers, in various situations. And I have hated them all at times, pushing them out of my life. And yet, when in my darkest moments, closer to death than most people get once, let alone three times, in more pain than my body could tolerate and keep breathing even perhaps completely sane, this woman is who I most wished most to have with me. I thought I was steel, and might be, but steel is nothing compared to a mother’s love. I changed. I came to understand what some will never know, and I hope I never forget.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you. Yea, I know this blog is late… but is it?

Wedding Bells or a Straight-jacket?

She is out there. I don’t know how I know, but I realized tonight, the woman who will become my wife is out there, waiting. Oh, she isn’t sitting at her table, twiddling her thumbs, not that type of waiting. I had strong feelings that she is out there and I need to find her. I am not sure if this is because I am trying to become active and considering some travel or if it is just the time. Perhaps changing ones life has more impact than one could every understand in such a broad way as to be a miracle of probabilities.

I have no clue what she looks like. I don’t know where she is, except that she is not here (whatever that means), or what she does. I doubt if we will know it when we first meet. I am just sure we will somehow cross paths once, then again, and again, until we begin to see and understand. I am not even sure if we will have children, but I certainly hope so. I am not comfortable with the unknown or waiting, but for some reason I am comfortable with this. And yes, I do have doubts. How can someone know even what math indicates, let alone what some feeling indicates? I don’t know that either, but I do believe this.

Don’t ask me, I don’t know where that came from. All I can say is I have been getting that message over and over the last few days until finally I locked on it and accepted it. It’s just a feeling, I could be wrong and by logic I am, I might be a little touched, or I might be heading into trouble:) But I believe she is out there and that I will find her.

Who Are You Looking At?

I just cornered someone, in a mental conversation (a conversation with a fictional person). I explained my belief, a belief held regarding someone’s actions in a long term series of events, to a third though interested party. I explained how the events were tied to the outcome and that regardless of what the subject thought they thought, they probably either weren’t being honest or just didn’t understand themselves or the situation as well as they had believed. I countered a few, albeit light, counter-arguments and alternative proposals, if I didn’t obtain total agreement with the conversant. The track was very well done, with the exceptions noted. It came to me in an instant, vaporizing fiction to leave fact, and then I created my discussion based on that and the outside source information that had instigated the process.

It is, sometimes, quite easy to see what others are thinking in the end, regardless of what they say. What they do, or end up doing, says more than their words could, and are absolutely and brutally honest. Then it hit me, what can I see in my own life? What was/is my major real goals? Can they be discerned by my actions as clearly as I had discerned another’s goals? I can’t see it at this point, but I am going to start looking. I wonder if others can see me as clearly as I saw the subject. I hope they are as forgiving or understanding as I tried to be with the subject, or at least indifferent. It would also be interesting, if possibly quite difficult, to know.

I am not even sure getting caught in your own thinking like that is a good thing, though I don’t think it’s a typical thing? I’ll have to recheck all of my systems on those two threads. *sigh* Well, that should keep me busy in my own yard for a while, anyway.

Into The Wilds

Wow! So much to do, so little time. Two years and a few months seems like a long time, but when time, money, testing, travel, and just living get rolled up into it, two years seems far too short!

What is he talking about now, you ask? You didn’t read then. Ok, I’ll say it again. I’ve started to make plans for a two year out-door adventure in, or starting in, Colorado. I’m giving myself about a 2 ¼ year lead time to gear up, practice, test my gear, and then go.

I’ve been looking at, and sometimes writing (emailing) everyone from 4x4 clubs, tent/hammock manufacturers, to satellite phone/internet service and equipment providers. I usually do as much research as an uninitiated consumer can do, then pick the items that top the list, then if I have a few questions, I write for more information. I am trying to be careful though, as I am not soliciting, I do not need or want sponsorships, I am only interested in the information.

The list of things to do and check only seems to grow with everything that gets checked off the list. Odd how that works, but it’s the nature of finding out more about that which one knows little or nothing. Modifications to my vehicle (spoke to my dealership and gents in a 4x4 group I plan on joining there), survival medical gear and information, camping gear of all sorts, standard gear like seasonal clothes and foot gear, foods (some no-fire areas require MRE’s or the like), water (systems to store, transport, and clean it), communications (I’m looking at CB’s, satellite phones, FRS/GRMS systems, and ham radios, the last two require licensing and the more here, the better), as well as figuring out what to do with my home furnishings, business arrangements, medical needs, and social and family situations.

I’m rather excited. Yet, all the work keeps the enthusiasm down and adds a sobering effect that may help this thing happen and end well. I gave myself two years for several reasons. First, the right equipment is not cheap. Much of it is up-front one-time costs, but those costs can be significant. As well, I do not want to show up in the wild with equipment that is both untried and without first having experience with it or similar equipment. And last but not least, it gives me time to consider if this is the right thing for me to do. Rash decisions have never been great decisions, and I prefer to leave those to times when they are all that are left. This isn’t one of those times.