Running around like a fool.

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Oh, the reason I was not posting here or commenting at your place was everything went bad. First, I gave my computer desk to my lady friend, for her new computer, yes, the one I bought her. So, I did not really have a place for the (corrupted anyway) machine, so I bought a new (little) one. Which should have been fine, but my internet dropped. My ISP simply quit working. I was about to call them anyway, to see if I could keep my email addresses after I shut down my home service. Well, they are telling that, a.) no, I cannot keep my email services active and they do not service the city to which I am moving, and b.) my internet is down and they cannot have it repaired earlier than the 3rd! This service that is down, on their end, is saying I never had my modem initiated (I have had this same service and modem for 4 years!) So, being the cleaver monkey I am, I talked with my neighbor to see if I could connect to his wireless modem. No problem he says, and he gets to work. Only, it does not work.

Meanwhile, I am trying to pack, make calls, ensure this and that is being done, and overheating most of the time. I ended up having to go back to Best Buy and have this machine looked at. As I have said, two of the Geeks tag teamed the thing and got it going, though I was not privy as to how to fix it, only that now fixed it is fixed for good. I then purchased a printer, which I had not wanted to do, but ended up needing very badly. It, it seems, is missing a cord, so I need to go back and get a new box, the cord if they have it separately, or something. Nothing is going right on top of time being almost out.

I finally have this thing working, I am blogging again a bit, I still have the printer to take back, 4 packages to send, 1/4 of a house to finish packing, and now medical worries to add to the pile. Talk about a rough week. The good news is that when I get where I am going, I can take a week off (and I am going to) before trying to even get out of bed. When everything is safely in storage, the tow wagon and truck are turned in, and my appartment is in my control with the utilitities turned on, I am going to get half a dozen gallons of bottled good water, two gallons of milk, and some minor food items, shut my door, turn off all sound, get a room a/c if needed and sleep and rest for at least a week. Finals indeed, only add a weight lifting competition and walking marathon in there for good measure, in high Iowa summer.

At least today is cooler. I have internet so I can find a free open access email service, and begin logging things over, and hope I have enough time to finish packing. I spoke to my current landlord, and at least I think I am good there. It has indeed been a rough week, even month. I hope I do not have to throw too much away, due to not being able to pack it all, but at this point, I almost do not care.

Even with all that, I have been praying deeply and strongly each night, and more regularly during the day. I have been needing and taking mid-afternoon naps, and about every other day I send God words of thanks, remind him of people who are in need, and give up my doubts and fears as I am able. I only really ask that He help keep me open to His will, as He has already graced me beyond my due. And, in spite of extreme recent stresses and a severe temptation, I have remained chaste even in my women dreams. If nothing else, God made me stubborn. Ha!

Have a good. I have work to do. Shoo!

Wine is fine but whisky is quicker?

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Yes, it is true. Most races are won by superior fire power. Bigger muscles, greater endurance, quicker responses, more potent product, whether the race is to the top, bottom, or end. When all else is equal, even a single greater quality can win the day heartily. I thought high blood pressure was my beer. Then I got diabetes. Ah, I thought, my whiskey! What may be now must then be called my heroine or meth, as per Ozzy's song.

I had been sore at a particular point on my body, a delicate place. I have been so busy or too tired to think about it. This morning, while I was waking up, it was bothering me again, so I investigated it consciously. It is not good. Between my torso and thigh, on the seem between the two, is a sore spot. Initially I did not pay it much attention. And, for the last week, or two is it now?, I ignored it, too busy to think, too tired when I had the time to consider it more. It is larger, now, by much, perhaps the size of a small grape. Half of it is inside my body, half of it is outside, and it is sore.

I know what this probably is. And, I will go the the VA when I get moved. They will probably want to do a biopsy. Fat chance. If they can figure it out without cutting, good. Otherwise, no dice. I suppose I just want to know what type of cancer it might be, what to look for, and to try and get an idea of how long I might have. I will not seek any more than painkillers if it is cancer. From what I have seen, asking the medical community for help on this is like giving a monkey an arch welder, a screw driver, and a wrench, and shoving it in the engine compartment. Many, especially men, die just as quickly, twice as painfully, with few original functional parts, and without hair. Who even knows how many parts they would cut off before deciding the experiment should be allowed to die. Too creepy.

Yes, I am worried. Yes, I would rather live, on the whole. No, being a medical experiment just does not do it for me. This is not how I saw the thing going down. And, who knows. Maybe it is a zit that got lost. Maybe I have just bucked the system and have become such a menche that I need a third one, so God planted the seed and I am on my way to being the father to 70. I guess things are just on hold, except the move, for a while. I just hope I can live on my own until the end. I hope I can get what groceries I might need delivered. I do not want to live with anyone or be in the hospital if this is cancer.

I do not mind dying. I have sorted it all out, spiritually, even physically. But I had been pulling for high blood pressure for a massive heart attack or stroke, while living alone. Or perhaps a diabetic coma from which I never regain consciousness. But this is going to hurt. That is the only thing I know for sure about cancer. And, at some point, the pain medicine will not work. I may, actually, need to give up my guns before they really do need to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I know how tempting that could be and I just do not want to fail now, after having survived two suicides and figuring out how to change my life away from that.

Yeah, go ahead, cheer. Some of you must be tickled pink. I cannot blame you. Even I know a rat bastard when I see one, even in the mirror. It could not happen to a nicer guy.

Back to packing. Have a good day.

The new toy.

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I am trying the new machine. It is a Toshiba nb200. Beyond having the biggest keyboard among micros or notebooks, the longest (?) battery life, and some other good features, it just felt right. Plus, I no longer trust HP and Dell spent my trust in them on their prejudice against guns (long story, but if you want to know, ask). There were other reasons I went with Toshiba over Asus, though I honestly think for the types of applications I am interested in for this machine, all of them would have worked. I can take this into the field, and write there, to send later or perhaps, to send with certain other electronic toys I am also considering.

Actually, this machine is not just for the field. I believe I will be using it for my email, online business, and internet browsing. The old machine will simply become an offline gaming rig for all of the games I have. I suppose I will just have to quit playing the online games. They are easy to steal anyway, and with a compromised desktop, I kept losing access or had aspects of those games compromised. That is so not fun that even the free games became more of an annoyance than anything.

I also think, when I can figure it out, I will change this to a dual boot OS, and then switch to using one of the Linux platforms. Which one I cannot be sure. I have some belief that Linux is more secure, and that can be tightened, for free, even then. I am not sure if I can learn C++ or some of the other programming languages on this, but that would be good. Without a DVD player, everything I put on this will need to be added via the internet, unless I wish to shell out for a external DVD R/RW, etc. Perhaps in time.

Okay, I admit it. This whole post was just to see if I could get used to the keyboard. To be honest, even with paws the size of bear paws, I am having no real problems with this. What I am finding a problem, however, is the heat. This thing is all but glowing. As someone who is heat sensitive, this could end up being a problem. There are devices that will help. And, really, in the winter, this thing could be a great hand warmer. But in the heat of summer, this will not be a favorable aspect. Time will tell. If need be, I have 30 days to accept or take this machine back. But I will only be here, probably for a little more than a week more, so… I will need to know by then. Though, there are Best Buys everywhere. Decisions, short timing it, and all that is getting rather old. I NEED TO LEAVE!!!

Good night.

Update: That post was from when I first purchased the machine. Since then, I have had no real problems with the heat, and the battery does seem fairly long lasting, if I have not timed it. My internet quit, and I had difficulty using my neighbors internet. I took the machine in and after a tagteam effort by two of the Geek Squad at Best Buy spent five minutes on it, they solved the problem. When I got it home, I was able to use it and reconfigure some things even though I have never done this before.

Since I gave away my computer desk and my own internet is down anyway, and add in that I cannot use my old email addresses once I turn in my modem and end my household service, I really need this machine to use the local wireless to get all of my email address connections fixed before I shut down the system. Go figure. All this in the middle of the mad dash to finish packing. I am doing okay, but I keep tripping over seeming isolated events which end up causing problems. Printer without cord, this system having something deep inside which would not allow IP addresses to be randomized (or even changed), ISP outage, and the list goes on. A few more days and one way or another I will be finished with this damned fool and evil place.

Well, now I really must sleep. Good night!

Sleep was sweet.

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Imagine that, a night without dreams, without pain, which was also a decent length and resting. I only get those occasionally. If I dreamed, and I think I did, it was just a normal decent dream. I did not wake up shaking or tired or stirred from whatever it was I saw on the big Eyelid Screen. I woke like clockwork, without an alarm, and rested. Talk about a dream sleep, that was it. I am not sure if nightly long prayers have anything to do with last night though I doubt if they could hurt my rest. My ribs no longer bother me at all, now, finally. Life is really good on mornings like these.

I have not heard from my lady friend yet. But that is good. It gives me some time to wake up before having company. I am hoping to get some cleaning done and a shower before she arrives. It is usually good to see her after she canoes. She regains health, mental balance, and quiet surety from such events. I will miss her when I go, even if she is a part of here. I almost think she might miss me, but more for the washer and dryer and sick calls. Cats!

I am looking forward to brunch though! I have been eating out, if fast food passes for that, to avoid needing to cook and clean as much recently. And, pretty soon, I will have no choice. The kitchen needs to be packed away. So a decent meal sounds good to me. I am not sure if the invitation includes the bill, that is often her way. Either that or she begs because her invitation was offered when she was flush and that has changed. Once in a while though, she actually carries through. I am not terribly hungry, but good food will change that.

I best take my shower and begin some cleaning.

More done, and some thoughts.

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Bit by bit, even on the weekend, I am able to do some of the last business I have to do. I have reserved a place for the way to my destination and I have set the wheels in motion to have a crew here to load the truck on the day I get it so that I will be ready to leave the following morning. Packing is going slow but sure. I am focusing and tracking well. The fear and worry leading up to things, I must assume, are natural. Even if it does not look like it will come together, it does. This reminds me of the weeks leading up to finals. Perfection is not to be had but perfection is not needed. And yet, I think unless I have a heart attack or stroke in the next week, I will have it all done, and well done. I suppose I am supposed to sweat things. That sweating lets me physically and mentally know I really need to get busy. The result is that things get done.

I was thinking about fighting, after reading one of my usual suspect blogs. It has been a decade since I have been in a fight. And, it had been a decade since the fight between the last one and the one before it. I wonder how much I have lost? I wondered that, too, before the last fight. I had thought I had lost it all. In the last fight, the guy hit me from behind, in the head, about three times, and he was very angry. It did not phase me. And, to be honest, when I went for him I was trying to not murderate him, consciously, and seriously. In three hits, I put him in the hospital for a week and a half. He would have fallen to the pavement if I had not caught and held him until his friend showed up and took over (and yeah, I was making sure his friend was not going to start something himself). They brought an ambulance and all. The cops knew me, and knew I avoided such involvements (I was a bouncer). I told them what happened and with witnesses, that was that, I never heard another word about it legally or socially.

I have to admit, fighting is always on my mind. I see threats, dangers, and the means of avoiding or putting those down. I generally do not need to fight dirty, but I have been in enough bad situations that I certainly know how to fight mean and I have zero worry about doing so if needed. For the most part, being in the land of milk and honey, I do not go for the kill unless faced with a lethal threat, and never have here. But, at least in my mind, I have absolutely no doubt that I have the will and the way to kill. My preferred fighting method is avoidance, these days. I will rarely just turn my back on a threat though, walking away is not done in a prone position. There are too many punks out there, of all ages. The only reason I turned my back on the last threat was he was walking away when I turned and I wanted to find out what the whole deal was about, or actually, I was sloppy.

I am weaker though, older, slower, and out of practice. I will never know how much I have left unless I fight. I have some hope I never have the need to find out again. I like leading a peaceful life. I know I still have that blood lust though. It will be there forever. I look for the threat, the enemy, the thief, and the killer. Sometimes I see them, but I see they are not for me. Sometimes I see serious ones, professionals. They almost smell different. They are unique, like combat soldiers, snipers who have been blooded, and such, but different from even these. I have even considered such an occupation, or vigalanteism. But I did not feel the call and the other, perhaps better, side of me disuaded me. The call I was hearing, as well, pulled me to a different place. However, I feel too, that God has asked me to keep what of that I can. Whether to have it in reserve or whether He will have me use it, I cannot know. That I can still see is a bit of a comfort. As I said though, I am not sure how good I still am.

I have been in many fights, fist fights. I have knocked at least 4 people out cold, I have broken more noses than I can remember, and I have been in fights where there have been 3, 4, and even 7 opponents. I learned how to level the playing field, how to hurt people quickly, and more. That was my youth. As an adult, who knows. My memories are confused. I am pretty sure I got better, or worse, depending on how you look at it. I lost the passion while in the situation. Now, it is just business. I do not get angry, I try to think tactically, and I look for the inside and opportunity. As far as I know, I have had no training. Well, believable training. Maybe my way is the natural course for a decade and a half of street fighting.

I just needed to get that off my mind. Now I can get back to thinking about the last bit of work or, more, doing the last bit of work. These little blog breaks are great though, for a thousand reasons. Oh, my lady friend returned from her trip. It seems she is planning to take me out for brunch tomorrow. She needs to do laundry, but I think that was a secondary consideration. I have a little gift for her too, something, I had promised long ago. I think she will be pleased. I know I will have my last promise to her taken care of, other than that I will pray she finds her way. And that I will be just a phone call away. I doubt if she will ever visit, for good or ill, but even that for a short term is open.

Doh! Back to it.

Self control, with a little help from a Friend.

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I realize, as I am putting my life and self into order, that the rest of life seems to fall into line. As I am learning to control my lust, I find that women seem to naturally find their place in our dealings rather than trying to create a place. As I am learning to control greed, fear, and other emotions and notions, my needs are more easily met, my money even when some of it gets stolen, lasts longer and fits my needs more fully and then my wants are easier to prioritize and facilitate. It really is up to me, as an individual, to put my life in order so that life makes sense. The government cannot help. The church may be used as a tool in a general way, and sometimes specifically. And friends and family have their places too. But those are more like seasoning to a meal. Either the meal holds up, plates, and is happily consumed on it's own, or the dish fails regardless of what has been added to it.

I did research the USU (Utah State University) last night while not sleeping. To be honest, it looks much like the UoI. Academically, socially, egalitarian and all. I am thinking about things, and this is one of them. I am not sure I would be ready to begin this fall, or ever. But living so close to a new chance would allow me to peak in and see if I could handle going. Living in the area a bit, I could easily find out if the environment is as hostile to my beliefs, adding to the difficulty of the course work, or not hostile and lending some solace to my intellectual sojourn. I am not sure whether this is even where I will settle down in the first place. Then again, I am a man of questions. And a man of hope, if it does not always show.

They do have electrical engineering, but they also have the usual roundup of engineering offerings, to include aeronautical engineering, something I am somewhat unfamiliar with. It seems as if aeronautical engineering is a slice from mechanical engineering. I know, if nothing else, should I decide to go back to school, I would like to re-evaluate my major. I have done little in the way of electrical engineering core. I have done just about everything but that, to include some of my senior options. Why, I cannot say. It seems that what was available and how I was being guided gave me everything but what I was going into, for course work. I think the only things I would need to get other than core are physics II and an upper level economics course. The rest is simply core.

I will be keeping some things available when I go. I have some materials which have helped me freshen up my physics, calculus, and general lower math skills quickly and easily. Those will be kept with the clothes I am taking to the apartment. As well, and depending on the size of the place, I may be taking my weights and abdominal machine. I think my computers will work for viewing the DVD portions of my refresher courses. I do not want a television, DVD player, VHS, and probably not even an internet connection. I would guess, in a college town, I can use hotspots to browse, blog if I want (and more privately), and use my email accounts. I want the cave to be barren, with three provisios. I would like to at least have a microwave oven and refrigerator of some type and I will need air conditioning of some sort. The rest will be as spartan and utilitarian as possible. I even hope the bed is lumpy, so long as it is clean.

While looking at the University web pages, I also looked at what the school offers for both students and the public. They have a decent swimming pool, several clubs I would be interested in from climbing, hiking, backpacking, canoeing/kayaking, to snow skiing and shooting. If I end up back in school or not, I think many of these things would still be somewhat available to me, if at a slightly higher cost. All of the offering are reasonable, even at the higher cost. Going out cross country or telimarx skiing, for the first time, with people who know what they are doing, would be worth any extra money. I would also guess, as I get there and look around, I will find other sources for groups, learning, and activity.

In the end, however, it comes down to me. I have to place calls, meet people, pay fees, and ultimately get off my butt and go do. I think the world according to me comes down to that. I am not sure I can do it, but the world, there, most likely, truly is my oyster in a bay full of easy to get oyster. All I have to do is wade in, wade out, and if I am picky, add my own salt and lemon or lime. I think this is my final chance at whatever I decide or can do. And, I will either learn to live there or I will die there. I like that, too. In 3 to 6 months I will know what is to be my fate.

Well, back to work. I think I have some gumption and I will use it. Be well, have a good day, and may you find something, many things, to be grateful to have, know, hold, or look forward to in your real or even imagined future. I worry, though I should not worry, about you too. Every one of you. Good day.

Some rest was had after all.

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After waking early and not being able to sleep, I finally was able to go back to bed and sleep well. I dreamed in that second sleep. I dreamed that almost all of the world, church people and not, understood that God was not a real being. In the dream, they had no real reason not to believe, they just chose not to for the most part. Those who went to church merely did it as a social club, literally and knowingly. The more elaborate, for Catholics, the better. Church for them was fun with all the imagery, chants, prayers, and kneeling. And then there were me and a few others who actually believe. We were seen as quaint, and put up with to a degree. Though they did not really laugh at us, they did wait somewhat impatiently for us to 'get with the program' and just start having some fun. If anything, they thought we were sad little beings, constrained for no reason.

Of course, as a character in the dream, I did not know this. I only knew it from outside my character yet within the dream. In the dream, those of us who believe in God, the bible, Christ, and the Holy spirit, along with the trinity or whatever faith we followed, were just sort of kept out of the loop. We were not really welcome to be part of the main groups. We were considered like children, developmentally flawed children. It is difficult to say how far into the church it went, but certainly it was true for most laity, some clerics, and perhaps into the higher ranks to some degree. I was not able to see farther than fairly local. Perhaps the higher orders were considered like me. I just could not tell from the dream.

Though I think the dream is a bit extreme, I do think this is a reasonably large part of the church. By the recent election, I can see that the pope and my beliefs are not predominant. We are at best a weak minority in the American Catholic church laity. The dream did not bother me, as I already understand this as such. I just wrote about something like that before resting the second time. Well, I should say, it does bother me but it is not a new or more severe troubling notion. On the good side, my ribs are almost back to normal. Pain from them is down to a 3 or 4, and falling. I no longer need to take Tylenol or ibuprofen in order to sleep! I hate choking down pills, for any reason, anyway.

My nightly prayers are ongoing. I continue to pray for those in and out of my circle, to give thanks, to open my life to Christ again each night, to ask forgiveness and the wisdom to forgive as well, for His will, and once in a while I remind God that a good wife, and then children, would be a gift greater than any other gift. I ask for the strength, foresight, and wisdom to carry out His will, whatever it may be. And, I try to turn over my worries and doubts. These, as I see it, are failings in my faith, and sins if put more succinctly. If I have not formalized my prayers yet, that is on the way. Sometimes, I pray if I wake up and am having troubles falling asleep. I do not ask for assistance in sleeping, I just pray again.

I need to get to packing. I really have not been getting done what needs to be done. Lack of energy, over heating, other tasks, uncertainty in the planning process, and exhaustion have all played a part. But now, with the truck on hold, a place to move into, and time drawing nigh, I best get off it and and get on it, if you know what I mean. And I have one less day with tomorrow being used to do things for my lady friend.

Have a good day. Oh, and why not go out and have a root beer ice cream float, ice cream sundae, or banana split? Gee, it is a Saturday, it is summer, and even if we are no longer kids, are we ever not kids sometimes? :p Race ya!?!

Sleep, or the lack of it.

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I did get some sleep. After needing to go to the bathroom for the umpteenth time, as much out of boredom or more than of actual need, and finally just giving up on being able to sleep or fall asleep again, I decided to get up for a bit. Perhaps I can sleep in a while. I admit to not being fully awake, so I will try to not say too much. When I do, I usually step on toes and seem to neither care if I do seem to know, and yet I really do care. Those partial dream posts get me in almost as much trouble as when I used to drink and post. Perhaps when I move I really should give up blogging.

I have been drinking a lot of fluid lately, though no alcohol (which I have pretty much given up, mostly). I would put it at 5 quarts of water or more, 4 sodas or more, and another quart or two of whole milk a day. And, I seem hooked on drinking and needing to pee. I had best cut back on the sugar, I think, again. I thought it might help me work, packing and such, but it has not been helping. It might be allowing me to stay awake though, but that is only moderately useful. I would bet my diabetes is out of control again. I have a lot of work to do, and am not sure how I am going to get it all done. I have a day shy of a week to finish and have the moving truck packed. Oh, and hot, I have been very hot. With the central air set at 66, and with a fan, I am still a bit warm. My hands would melt chocolate at as soon as I touch it.

Not sure what I am blogging about anymore these days. I think mostly I am trying to get my tasks in order, bring some order to my mind on what I must do, and griping about things that cross my path which I feel the need or want to gripe about. Though too, as I am taking steps in my faith, I do try to add those. I suppose with every pile of dirt, there ought to at least be the potential for diamonds. If this pile of dross has any such things, I truly hope that last is it.

I realize that much of my faith matters is seen, by the world at large, as between foolish and laughable. Believing in God, believing that the belief and further faith means I should do anything in real life regarding God and my faith, and certainly celibacy. Even if I was not conservative, this alone might well put me on the neo-national terrorist list. God forbid I might speak about such things or that someone might here them and believe there is such a thing as responsibility, accountability, or anything else coexisting with rights and freedoms. Or that I believe those rights and freedoms are God given, so irrelevant to man's laws to some degree. Yes, I know, I am way out there.

I, of course, and now, would not change that for the world. There is not enough gold to buy me off, there are no easy women who could set me off, and there is not a thing that could pull me off, if I do stray on my own. When I stray, I soon find myself in the wrong side of town and do my level best to figure out where I am, where I should be, how to get there, and what price must be paid for straying and pay the fine. Better to pay here than there. And, fine, I will admit I am often lost. I probably will be until the day I die, since I am a curious sort and I prefer to travel, one way or the other, rather than just hunkering down.

I may investigate college where I am going a bit more closely. I thought not attending school this last term would end my relationship with the VA, but they recently sent me a letter asking for an appointment. The date for the suggested meeting is after I am gone, so I may ask that they send my case to where I am going and where I might find a fresh start. If the situation is as difficult there as it is here, I may still go to college, but from now on with my own money. I have not looked at the programs there, let alone put in an application. Considering I will have plenty of time on my hands, it might not be a horrible thing to do. Hmm, since I cannot sleep anyway, and while my mind is on it, I might just go look at what that school offers. A switch to mechanical or aeronautical engineering may be required, who knows.

*poof*

Even with competent help, things take time.

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Getting the fax out took forever. The woman we were working with did not know how to get her land line from advancing the call to her cell phone, so it simply would not accept the fax. I did not know how to correct this (though on my own I could have figured it out, it's just a new technology so it is not in my repertoire) , she was a complete technophobe I believe, and though my neighbor knew how to do this, doing it through her was impossible. She ended up calling the owner and having us fax this material to him. But it took two hours, I would guess, or more, dealing with that. My visit to the bank was quicker but that was still and hour plus. I ended up not having time to finish all of the business on my schedule. The last task I was able to do was to reserve a moving truck, along with the package I wanted, on the day I will want it.

The neighbor lady had asked if I still had some of the enchilada casserole, part deux. Of course I do, I suggested. So, she asked if she could come over for dinner tonight. And, if she does show up, she will be welcome. But I might just ask her to go out to dinner somewhere tonight. I really just want to get out of the house, have a good meal, and enjoy some pretty (if tweaky) feminine company. Then again, I think all women are a bit flakey. I suppose that is part of the program, and part of what is attractive about them. Who knows. Then again, most women think I am pretty flakey, and that is good by me. I would like to go to a decent place, but I am not exactly looking at spending over $50 or $60, with tax. Just a nice, sit down, full, and good meal. I wish I could do more, but I am still a bit nervous about money.

One of the things I had to do at the bank was to check my accounts. It is possible that I have been spending more than usual, with the move, paying extra on the Xterra to make up for lost time, and such but I seem to have a problem. Money seems to be leaking out faster than I am spending it. With my computer less than reliable, I have turned off online access, so printed reviews are as good as it gets. I have not seen anything that is not my doing, though I cannot be sure, either. And, there was an apparent illegal access of my debit card information a few months ago. I just read the letter today. I had ignored it, thinking it was just some usual bank junk. It was bad enough they had sent out new debit cards. I am pretty sure where it went, though I never received the card. They did not know where it was, so they canceled that one and are going to send one to my new address. This city has fallen, and hard, into bad times. At least they could tell the card had not been used.

I am really hoping life is not so Northside Chicago where I am going. Hopefully it is not anyside Chicago like this city and state have become. Spreading criminals out over a whole state does not make the crime go away, it just taxes the people who had lived in relatively crime free areas for most of their lives. Not only were we not used to crime, like this, at this level, but we were not used to the militarization of the police forces needed to handle it. Now everyone is a criminal and the police are taking cover. It is a creepy time to be an Iowan. Add to the fact the the prosecution has either voluntarily or by mandate become politically correct to the silly level of Nifong, failing to prosecute serious and real crimes, while hitting whites harder in order to at least be "able" to prosecute some minorities, in some egalitarian nightmare. No wonder every man and woman capable of real work and with moral intent is fleeing this rat's nest. And, like I said, you had best not dare defend yourself here.

Criminals to the left, leftists to the other left, and no way out other than moving. A lot of locals think I am over-reacting. And they will until they have to deal with one or the other of those elements. When they become a criminal for calling in a complaint on a minority, a legitimate complaint, they will understand. When they see an "open 24 hour" business closed with it's curtains closed, and they think about calling the police only to realize that will make them a prime suspect so they pass. Or when they have trespassers that neither they nor the police can do anything about, in the middle of the night or in broad daylight, they will learn. The numbers are swelling, too. The schools are inundated with troubles they were never meant to serve. My leaving is good riddance, I would guess for me, the city, and the state.

Monday I have a full list of things to do. Final calls, a vehicle inspection in order to ensure the rental of the trailer it sitting upon, more packing, an oil change and inspection on my Xterra, and who knows what else will grab my attention and propel me to some odd task, call, purchase, or such. This weekend will offer no respite. I need to finish some packing, Sunday is the only day I can get the television, surround, and stereo systems to my lady friend. She also, finally, wants me to set up her computer. I will do what I can. She does not have ac, or more honestly refuses to use what I bought here, so I will most likely only be able to set up the television before needing a break. Then again, she could take me to a good lunch somewhere while I cool off, and between tasks. I'll probably "suggest" that, though, even if she does put up the ac for me. If it is just blasted hot though, she might only get one job done. She is my equal, she says, she may just have to figure it out. What is it with women and technology, anyway? Let alone equality.

Well, have a good afternoon and evening.

Moving slowly, but hopefully too.

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I have finished most of the paperwork I need to fax back to the hopefully new landlord, property manager, or whatever she is, exactly. I need to find a few more pieces of information and I should have that out by 14:00. I also need to contact the two utility providers and get that switched back to the landlord on the day I leave, do some bank business, rent the truck, and then do a bit more packing later today. It is amazing how much there is to do when moving. I can only hope I do not miss something vital. To that end, I have put passwords and such down on some secreted papers. One can always make a mistake or miss something though. Two heads, in cases like these, would be better than one, so long as the two minds do not derail each other onto deadend sidetracks.

Sleep was splendid last night. I woke well and early, if waking up has been a slow process. It is nice and cool in here. And should it get too hot in spite of that, I have a fan ready to go. I know I will need to go out into the heat but that is fine. I actually have been enjoying that, so long as I can cool down for a bit.

My neighbor lady was a bit upset when she found that I would be leaving early this next month. She had hoped I would try and have my landlord let me stay a while longer. She seems to forget that it was she who wanted me to stay, and that in part the argument for me staying a bit longer was based on her taking over the apartment, so that the landlord would not need to worry about renting the place, and then that she had reneged on that suggestion. I also suggested that finding a place to stay where I am going has been hugely problematic. After two months of trying, I have only found one single place, and only in the last days, which would offer a place to stay without a 3 day application process initiated in person.

Her life is getting uncomfortable, and largely for the very reason I wish to leave this area. As I have said, she, my other lady friend, and many of the people here belong here. This is their world, what they believe and do, who they associate with and why, makes this their world. No more do I belong here than would they belong where I am going. I am looking for a clean world were people believe in doing good deeds as a common thing and where crime is actually considered, you know, illegal. I would guess it will be illegal to speak one's mind, if it is not already, here and soon. I would guess that it would be dangerous to do so here, and the police, the prosecutor, or both, would ignore that threat due to their political beliefs.

I cannot help people who hate where they are and yet encourage it in how they live. I have to imagine it would be like a saint or angel looking into hell. I wonder, at times, about those who choose the path of the damned. I have no illusion that they do so ignorantly, I am positive they know. And their pleas for help, I am sure some of that is really trying to get help but it lacks veracity due to the fact that they would not change what they did that got them there. In the end, it is an attempt to pull the good to their world rather than a hope to leave their world and ways. I realize, too, that God asks that we not doubt His judgment via sympathy, and we best not have empathy. And so I trust and leave this hell to it's own, and I pray for those who could change to do so.

The world, no doubt, has come completely unglued and totally evil. Perhaps it always was as so. If that last is true, the world, for the greater part, kept that hidden. Maybe now that evil is so open is only the newest thing, perhaps though too, my eyes are only and now finally open. I will never be sure, while I live in skin, but in time that may be known. In truth, and as I have said, it is about me (to me), and you (to you), and each of us (according to ourselves) in our relationship with God. All of it. We must worry only about how we will stand before Christ, pass through the barrier that is the Fire of the Holy Spirit, and then live with God. So, perhaps, even questions about this world we might now have will be burned away as all our fleshly failings will be burned as and before we can ascend to heaven. Perhaps even those who choose hell will lose all false questions as well. At that time, perhaps, we will realize we always knew the truth and that our questions are just games we play to avoid knowing what God has already told us. I can live with that. And I will happily release questions of flesh as I release the fallen flesh.

Well, I suppose I should get to work. I pray, each night, to make it to the land of milk and honey. I sometimes worry, if like Moses (though without having done any of his great deeds), I will be denied more than a view of such a place. Perhaps my failure of faith has doomed me. With what is going on locally, I do worry. I am trying to keep more secure in the time I must wait, it is all I can do. Though knowing what liberal prosecutors do to those who dare defend themselves, even that is tenuous.

Have a good day.

A good day, I think.

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I am still suffering from bruised ribs. I am also still surprised I can hurt those in my sleep. I am either having seriously weird dreams or there is simply something wrong with my body, where connective tissue weakens or muscles twitch while I sleep. If I had fallen down while sleep walking, I am pretty sure there would be holes in the wall, major furniture failure, or some other sign. I think, however, that I was right. The pain is slightly easing. It has peaked. I will still need Tylenol to sleep though.

It looks like the apartment will come through. No guarantees, but the manager sounded fairly positive. I hope it is not because the place cannot really be rented in person because it is really bad or in a bad neighborhood. My friend, who knows the area, thinks that the address is a decent one. Beyond that, it is close enough to the places I might want to go without being too close and therefore too busy. As I said, as long as it is in reasonable condition, I am fine with that. This is not meant to be a little slice of heaven, but more a piece of humble pie in which I can save some decent money for a home or funeral.

I am not sure what all is going on right now, though I think the deal is done. I need to put a call in and hold the rental truck and tow package, plus some insurance, finish packing, and then load up and drive. To think that in just over a week I will be in a new fishbowl! I will hopefully have a smooth dip into a new scene. One where crime is lower, problems are much more soluble on even a personal level, and the grass really is greener. If they are a little pickier about who gets in and a little more relaxed due to that, I will be pleased. I am so weary about living in a state that has become a criminal haven, a leftist nightmare, and is dying on the vine. It is sad to see it, but it is better to leave than become even more of a hated minority in what had been my home state.

My dreams have been intense lately. First war, then women, maybe I can land on the moon, go flying, or something fun but less stressful tonight. I have to admit, the dreams about women were wonderful! But when I woke, barely able to move, I had to struggle to coordinate my hands into a prayer position and then pray my heart out. It was not too bad, it just reminded me that I am fully male and that I truly enjoy the beauty of the feminine, in many of her states of grace, fully dressed even. And, in my prayer for control I definitely also gave thanks to God for presenting such beauty to such a humble servant. I do not mean to say I am claiming to be humble, I am merely stating that I realize my humble nature. I would like to be humble as a being, but I often fail. I am, however, humble before God, in many ways before the beauty of women, and certainly in the depths and dimensions of reality. Even the mountains and rivers let me know this.

Well, I should get to bed. Or at least take some painkillers and let them kick in. I took them right as I went to bed last night. Not such a good plan. I had to suffer to sleep. Live and learn. Again, good night. You are in my prayers, even those of you who have left here and me.

Maybe...

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After making many calls on my own and having some help from a friend who knows the area, I finally found a place to rent, maybe. I was not able to find less than a year lease, but I was able to get a very affordable partially furnished place. It will not be something to write home about. It will be a place to sleep. It will probably be warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer than the out of doors. I probably will not add internet, definitely will not add cable television, and I will keep it as plain as possible. Part of the reason will be to get me out as often as possible. I will find my way to the library, a couple of inexpensive places to eat, the store, a few places of interest, and as much of that on foot as possible. Then I would like to find my way into the woods and mountains. Some of that, too, will be on foot for some parts of those type trips.

However, there is no guarantee either. I am only sure they will, probably, fax an application and that, if they do fax it and we get it back out to them, they may accept the application. If I get it, I should save enough on rent that I can really save some serious savings in the year lease, perhaps as much as $15k. I think my neighbor was amazed at how difficult it was to find a place. Everyone wanted to see me in person, and were absolutely disinterested in faxing anything to at least speed up the application process. Most indicated application processing takes 3 days. Considering the truck rental is only for 5 days, loading then driving the truck will take 3 days, and with finding a storage unit and unpacking, I would not have any real time to be processed in and hope for acceptance before the truck needed to be back. As well, no knowing if the place would be furnished or not, I would either have to keep the truck longer (no doubt at a huge fee) or store and rent something else, all while staying in a hotel. The bills would soon become troubling to say the least.

I am really hoping my faxed application will be accepted. Either that or I find a hotel room for a week (not available in the area as they will be having a car show that week, and rooms are scarce, to say the least). They really do not want outsiders who do not fit. It is a college town too, so one would think rentals would be a little more open. Then again, that is part of why I am seeing if that is the place for me. I had indicated that I might not be right for out there. We will have to see. I was going to call the Church(s) there, but I sort of got lost and I have run out of time I think. I will call tomorrow, just in case there is some advice or even a better rental prospect. Even another, but good, rental or three would be great, so that I would have some choice. Who knows.

It has been another bruiser. The heat just reaches in and beats me up. I need tons of water, few clothes, ac, and a fan just to almost feel human. I get rather growly when I get too hot (or hungry, thirsty, needing a shower, or in pain). Any work requires cool down times. That is summer, in Iowa, I suppose. I have heard that where I am going is about the same temp, but minus the humidity, plus being in a valley, morning to evening is a bit shy of flatland time span. Yeah, I am liking that already. Well, I should get going. I would like to make something good for supper.

Have a good evening.

Waking up is a tough chore this morning.

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I slept well, relatively speaking. Erotic dreams filled my mind, and occasional prayers when I awoke. Women have been on my mind, for some odd reason, and strongly the last few days. In spite of sore ribs and plenty of work to be done, the mind seems easily distracted. And though chastity has not been taken on as an oath but more as a means of purification before death or marriage, I hold it well. It is amazing what a prayer for strength and conviction can do. Even with dreams and thoughts of the more beautiful of the sexes, my command has held firm. No pun intended.

My neighbor lady has been stopping by in the mornings, late mornings thankfully, to make coffee. She had been buying Starbucks, and I had suggested she make her own. She tried it on her own, and failed. She bought Starbucks coffee and their syrup. Now, I cannot swear to it, but I would guess Starbucks does not use their own coffee. If people could get the exact taste at home, they would not be making so much money in their stores. My guess is what they sell of the shelf is at least one or two off. So, I showed her where to shop and what to buy, and to her amazement, not only is it far cheaper, it is superior. As well, that it can be made at home, it saves time in running around. Who knows though, when I leave she might just go right back to Starbucks. She likes to spend, she believes in designer goods and services, and she is used to being a kept woman. She no longer has the money she did but that does not really affect her lifestyle until she runs out of everything, then she cries and hopes someone will help her. I have not and will not. I saw that trap far in the distance. I do drive her places, and help her in small ways, but I will not spend on her beyond that or have much more to do with her. I will never know if she goes back to Starbucks or not, and I will not worry about it.

I have not been able to contact my neighbor. I am hoping to do so today. I think I am going to try and just catch up to him to make final plans for loading. Rather than ABF, a moving system which offers various numbers of loading containers something like Pod's but less expensive, I will just get rent a truck and use a platform on the back to haul the Xterra. That is, if the truck company's trailer can handle that size of a vehicle. This will give me a great deal more flexibility when to load, where I can unload, and I think it will be cheaper in the end as well, all told. I only worry about needing to back up. Though I think I can do that, I do not want to be tested. As well, I am not quite sure about all the details involved with when to install the trailer, and how to do so, which will have to be done after packing the truck, I would guess, and so on. There is only one way to find out.

I suppose I ought to get started for the day. Time is short, and even though everything is coming together, I still have much to do. Decisions are the most difficult, as they can bottle neck an opperation when they come up in the physical work. I think most decisions are finalized at this point. Now it is just a matter of getting the work completed. I will be so very happy when this leg of my journey is completed.

I still do not know if I am going there to die or if I am going there to live. I will only know once I get there. To be honest, neither prospect is all that bad. I am siding for finding more to life and finding more life to live there. But, as I have been most solidly told by reality, such huge choices are not really in my hands. Not at all. I am open to God's will, and that is the end of that.

Have a great day.

How in the world.

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The last few days I have been in some pain. I wondered if it was just gas, heartburn, or something, but it is not. And, through the time from when the pain first appeared to now, I realize it is my ribs. I have hurt them. All the way around from backbone to sternum and the rest of the way around. It hurts a little bit to breath. And it hurts constantly. My back hurts as well. It was not through packing and moving, most of what I have been moving is relatively light. I am careful with angles and such as well. Could this be from dreaming?

Sleep will be a little more difficult and moving around can cause me to be a bit grumpy. Nothing to do for it, I suppose. Maybe I will take a few painkillers of the over the counter varietal and see if it helps. I cannot stop packing and I do need sleep. It just weirds me out how I can hurt myself or otherwise get hurt in dreams. It just should not be able to happen. I know from this that doctors cannot know what they think they know. There is more to us than the simple biology, complex as that is.

Ouch! It seriously hurts. I hope, since it started as mild discomfort and grew to serious pain, that the bruises are coming out and will soon be gone. Wow, though. At least I can quit with the alkaseltzers. *burp*

It is all a gas, one way or another, and sometimes multi-dimensionally. Good night. I hope you sleep well. I am going to give it as good of a shot as I can.

Some serious confusion.

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While driving to the store today, I saw what I believed to be a libertarian car. On it were a number of stickers, no names though, regarding the usual topics. Included were down with the Fed, limit government, and get out of Iraq. Right below the end the war sticker was a government limit sticker and then... "Help Iran!". Well, okay I thought. But, being that we shouldn't even be in Iraq according to this man, how are we going to help Iran? Twitter? Ah, okay. If I am stepping on toes do not wear sandals. And, yes, it does make me angry to see this.

Bear in mind, I have a good 60 to 70 percent share of libertarian views. And, if they somehow gain power, I would at least be curious to see some of the views we do not share applied. I would gladly go for some of that change in hope. The Fed, phase it out? Regulation I am already generally against. Term limits, a tighter control of access to corporations, a change in how the government makes laws, lots of things I can see.

The big difference is probably Iraq, perhaps even Afghanistan? I supported both, and strongly. And, I do not think a politician, of any pedigree, in office at the time could have resisted the call to arms. I think President Bush was quiet, for a time, upon hearing the news because he knew what it meant and he did not want it to be so. He knew he had zero choice. So, that he even went on to Iraq surprised me. I am guessing generals, admirals, and to some small extent (and not through the leadership but through the practical real channels) the State Department took the lead on that.

I get confused by this. The people of Iraq, many of them, were honestly repressed. I would say it was the majority who were repressed by the minority. Plus, we had several reasons, very good ones, to go even if the real case was weakly presented. That is not the case in Iran. The majority rules and it was that same majority which just (historically speaking) had a revolution. That revolt lead to this government. So, are we supposed to blindly support some new and really unknown revolt as Jimmy Carter supported the last (by sitting on his hands regarding an ally in trouble)?

Something I am not sure about is whether the anger in the streets would be the same if their votes had actually been counted, would they still be rioting? Even though they seem to realize the mullahs picked both candidates? Do they not realize their vote means nothing? If the key to the social disruption is that one mullah chosen politician was unfairly elected over another mullah chosen politician, I think they are just rioting for the fun of it. I cannot take them seriously.

Let them find a leader, let that leader, or better group of leaders, lay out a plan, and then I might consider getting behind it, if only in spirit. Barring that, it is just something to watch on t.v., if I still watched the news. What, honestly, is in it for me? It does not have to be monetarily connected. If it is for freedom, democratic republicanism, fair courts, justice, and uniform laws, sure. If not, then it is just another radical on radical kill fest. And that is only good for entertainment, not a loose brotherhood or kinship.

Do I feel bad for those who are dying? Only those who are truly innocent. And, one way or another, the only innocents there, that I can see, are the children. The rest either support the mullahs directly or indirectly, or they are out in the streets pushing for hope and change and paying a price for it. What hope? What change? Of course they are not going to say. As I have said, if it is away from islam then it is most likely toward communism, if it is not away from islam then it is just toward another brand of radical islam based on a two syllable difference in their dread book of the dead. Or, a half a dozen of one, six of the other. Population control in the normal way. Let it be.

Hot and sticky!

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Though heat is not my favorite environment, at least when humidity is added, I wish I had the time to get out a bit anyway. I have found that I can enjoy the outdoors even in this, and would like to do so. But the energy required and the cost of using it to the detriment to all else I need to do would be too much. I really need to keep packing, sorting, and planning. And, within my means, I am doing so. It has been so hot, even with air conditioning, that I have not bothered my neighbors in the late afternoon when they suggested they might be available. As for myself, I am packing and sorting in shorter bursts, then cooling down, then getting back to it when I am able.

I do not have all that much left, I think. It is difficult to know how much is really needed. I have been taking care of clutter, filling and closing up more boxes, and tossing what needs to go. I have been giving away food stuffs I had in my larder as well, unopened food stuffs of course. I am hoping more for a small place where I will not need to cook, initially. A small refrigerator, a microwave oven, and a local inexpensive diner will do me until I can find better digs. And, truth be told, my cooking and eating gear would not rightly fit in an efficiency apartment.

I do believe I will be getting out of here sooner rather than later. It seems my neighbor lady will not be moving into this apartment. As such, I could not in good conscience ask my landlord for more time. I believe I will be able to get help moving whenever it is that I decide to move, so that will be that. The sooner the better. Even if I do not find a place by then, I have found that there are hostiles in the general area, should I need more than a few days or a week to find a place. My other neighbor suggested he would investigate some of what I needed to know, so I do need to contact him soon.

Everything is moving forward, and more quickly as particular decisions are being made and the time frame is becoming much more solid. And yet I cannot yet get my mind wrapped around all that needs to be done, all that is being done, let alone around the notion that my world is about to be a brand new one. Fear, curiosity, the push to have it done, the worry, and all that beset me from time to time. I find that, if cornered by such foolishness, it is probably time to put my hands back to work. That generally takes care of things until bedtime. Then a prayer keeps most of that at bay.

Oh, and last night was good. I slept well. A thunderstorm came through and cooled off the world a bit, which helped a great deal. I was not troubled by dreams either. I needed the rest, both of mind and body. I am quite sure that my recent prayer sessions have loaned some comfort to me in my time of toil and consideration. I enjoy praying more in any case.

Have a great day.

New levels...

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A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to try to take my chastity to the heights of that virtue. I was not sure I would be able to do so. And, I was unsure about whether such would be maintainable with frequent contact with attractive women. I have been thinking of doing this for some time, I felt called to do so. But I feared and doubted. Perhaps I just needed to prepare. Perhaps though too, my faith was weak. After two weeks or so, I find myself stronger than ever in this. Beyond, I can easily be around beautiful interested interesting women and stay firmly cloud bound and chaste. I simply pray when I feel a powerful pull toward the carnal.

Such things are not for everyone, though I have to believe, at this point, that the world would be a better place if this was used both in and out of marriages and by both participants. It is not as difficult as I thought it would be. And more, I see women completely differently now. I still see their physical nature and I still am very attracted to them, but I also see them more fully as people and as possible mates. I actually see them less as sexual beings and more as whole beings. I think I will more clearly see a potential wife for her whole self now. I will have a better means by which to evaluate her in that context.

I cannot say if I have changed to those viewing me. I am not sure if my physical world is different, within my body or mind, other than what has been noted. I do not seem to have more or less energy, clearer thought, or any of that. But I feel fresher and cleaner in life. Well, there is one thing. I think I am losing a bit of size around my waist. I cannot say it has anything to do with this, perhaps it is more to do with the recent heat, it could be coincidence. I will say I enjoy not being at the call of nature. And, yes, I still find women warmly, earthily, and naturally quite beautiful and attractive. Perhaps more so than I ever have.

Well, back to work. I really need to dig in before it gets too hot again. Have a great day.

Grumpy, sore, tired, and such, but still trying.

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My dreams, of late, I realize now, have been horrendous. I realize I am warring every night. I am not necessarily being awakened by my dreams, if my sleep is miserable and I wake sore and tired. I can tell because the bedding is wet and has started to smell of sweat, and more, fear sweat. My bedding went from sweet clean to foul in four days. I will need to wash all of it, down to the bed pad. Gladiator sweat stinks. I would guess as much as the whole of the last week I have been in the jungle of my mind while sleeping. I have barely been surviving and I have been losing all of my friends, allies, no, brothers, over and over and over, with no means to change these dreams. Knowing what is going to happen but having no means of changing in dream or waking up. I die a little bit each time.

I have agreed to the fact, for the most part, that this is based on nothing real. But I cannot seem to change how it makes me feel. I cannot set it aside, let it go, or do anything more than pray. I am not sure why these things haunt me, and have haunted me for decades. Searching for why, or in the beginning if, has been as fruitful as logically figuring out where in reality I am. GPS, you say? First, that is not logic, that is electrical mechanics. Second, even if allowed (assuming I alone developed all of the tools to make it work and then built and implemented them), the GPS would only indicate my place, within 50 yards unless you gained access to some of the better military or government geological tools and at best, on earth. That does not show me where I am in relation to the Milky Way, let alone in regard to the center of all known mass, in part because the majority of mass is as yet undefined. Now you know how I feel a bit more completely.

The world spins, I choke on dust of days gone by that probably have nothing to do with me, and which might have no basis in reality at all. I often feel foolish and am embarrassed about having such links. I wonder what I did wrong or what is wrong with me. There are no answers. Psychology did help, a bit, in dealing with these odd memories. Life is better, but not quite normalized. Medicine never fixed it. Medicine just zombified me so I was quiet about it, and everything else. The doctors liked it. Perhaps stress just causes a flaw in my psychic subroutines. The mind is a powerful and tricky thing.

Never mind, I will begin working again today. I think I will be able to get some serious work done. With the kitchen back in order, I believe the living room will get a good solid sweep. As well, I will begin collecting empty boxes together and sorting through them for keepers and losers. I woke up early, again, this morning, but was finally able to go back to sleep until 7:30 or so. Laundry has been started again, breakfast has been tended, and regularity is back on track. Maybe the work will help me sleep better.

I have been doing a lot of praying lately. This is not in regards to my dreams or work or move. I just felt the call to begin praying nightly, which has lead to prayers a bit more often throughout the day. There are many ill people out there, there are the poor, the oppressed, and the lonely. I am sincerely grateful to God for His love and gifts. And, in spite of troubles, toils, and such, I have finally found myself enjoying life. With the move, I even find some greater hope in my real future.

I realized something odd the other day. I note how people see beauty all around them. This sunset, this setting, that view, or this notion. I do not see beauty as such. I see neither beauty nor the grotesque really, only something new that either invites or repels. I wish I could see as others do, but I seem to lack something or I lost something one or both times I died, or even in one or the other of my several very close calls. If I am drawn to something special, it is humans. The intricacy of their thoughts, the potential kindness of their ways, and the better angels of their dispositions. Whether beautiful by some standard or other, or ugly by all standards, young, middle aged, or old, there is something in their truths stories life and breath that is special to me. They are little miracles. They are all children. The ones who have seen horror and who have chosen against it and the very young and very old are among my favorite of these. I keep my distance, for the most part. My very nature is so rife with preparedness or a fiery potential or something that I am unable to more than trodden down the flowers in their gardens. Like a Frankenstein monster, I best enjoy their natures from a distance.

Well, it is time to get back to work, or at least the work of waking up. Have a great day. May your heavy work feel light and good in your hands, and may the sweaty soil of toil ride your brow like a crown.

A long hot day.

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Though not able to do all I had hoped, many things were done this day. The heat worked against me. The driving went well, even in the heat, but driving always takes a toll. But in this heat, it took a little more out of me. And, doing work around the place and doing some shopping, obviously going into and out of air conditioning added to that driving cost on my body. But the kitchen got a top down cleaning, along with the other things I was able to do. The neighbor lady did help with that last, in part in thanks for driving her regularly for free, in part just to help.

I did little else. I had hoped to lay down for a nap so that I might be able to do a bit more this evening. As I have said though, the heat, especially this severe heat, leaks into the cave and over the air conditioning. So, in spite of being rather exhausted, I just could not sleep. I can handle the cold a bit better than this heat. If I am no more active, I do not suffer. This whole week is supposed to be hot but I think this was the worst day forecast.

Tomorrow I do not need to drive, or anything else in particular, so I will get busy packing. With the kitchen in order, and much done, I should be able to sort and pack a few areas and perhaps tools. I need to keep the tools somewhat available, however, just in case I need them, either during the packing or just while finishing the apartment.

I am hoping I sleep well, and long, tonight. Waking up at 3:30 to 4:30 for the last few days is a real drag. And, yes, I tried to get back to sleep, it just was not happening. Oh, the neighbor has not stopped by today, the other neighbor, so I am not sure if he has found anything more about some things he was going to check. If I do not hear from him tomorrow I will pay him a visit. Being as hot as it was today, I would understand if they just pulled in and simply tried to stay cool. And, doing the work he does might have been about all he could do. It was, simply put, a brutal day.

If I do what I need to do this week, I will spend some time Sunday finding a little peace and quiet somewhere with lots of trees and other green, hopefully with water to swim in minus midgets. If it is raining, I might just check out my old hiking path and take a slow and safe walk. It gets a bit slippery on that path, being a dirt path and very hilly. Hmm, maybe not the path. Perhaps just a drive.

I must warm up some food and then get on to bed. I will take the chicken off the bone too. I could not get the rest of that on track though. I shopped but I did not pick up the particular things for that and it was just too hot and I was simply too tired to go back out. Still, with the fat skimmed from the chicken water and the chicken boned, the rest of that task will be a snap between this and that task tomorrow.

Have a good night. I have said a prayer for all of you today. Actually, for the last several evenings. Perhaps more for those of you who will never know. Sleep well, if you may. You will be in my prayers again tonight. I am enjoying the nightly prayers, more as time goes on, even if I have not yet formalized some significant part of that yet. That, I would guess, will come soon enough. Yes, good night and sleep well.

The call.

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Though I have been a marginal Christian most of my life, for earlier in life I have felt a call to God many times. And, I did what I was able, usually. As a youth, the most I could do was read the bible and find religious leadership I trusted and do what I could with that. Moving so often, it was difficult to really seek strong lasting bonds. As time went on, the call would return and I would seek as I could. A busy life and frequently moving continued to plague my searches. At some points, I would do my best to ignore the call. Either being angry with God, feeling like he was calling the wrong man, or being afraid of what the call might mean to my life, wants, and understanding.

When I became disabled, I felt more unsure about things. How could a cripple even serve? Why was he calling me? Had I not done enough? And, as always, there was fear. But the call would not quit. After many years of stalling or do little things I finally went where I knew I had to go. Even then I put out every reason that I should not be allowed into the Church so that I could be rejected. But the Church did not reject me. It did not abuse me for being who and what I am. It, through one of it's voices, welcomed me in and began laying the groundwork for my acceptance.

I went through the classes, mostly, and then later joined the Church. As I did this, I did become better. Like a full sun plant which had been sitting in shade, which is then moved to it's most favorable clime, I grew, strengthened, and started laying my roots. Finally, I knew I was Home. But the call kept coming. Different, but there. Why is God still knocking on my door? Frustrated, and maybe a little angry, I began looking again. More fearful than ever, when the realization hit, at what I believe God is calling me to do. I feel called to be a family man! Me, a dolt, a previously heavy skirt chaser, a poor example of a man, and, and, me!

Through out the calls, acceptances, and work, God has, bit by bit, been changing me. I am being sculpted into a man of God and further, into the shape of a husband and father. Little things I thought nothing of before were being cut away as sinful, self indulgent, and as not useful for my roles. Oddly, it has been far easier than I would have imagined. But, that I am as different a man today as a man can be, from the man I was just a few years ago, amazes me and all.

But, in this fast change, my tolerance for some things has seemingly passed out of my grip as well. I may be too intolerant, I cannot say. Where I might used to say "live and let live", I now say "no"! Where I would have turned a blind eye, I know look closely. Like a bird building a nest, I now look for what belongs there and what does not. My nest of a life is not just for me anymore, and some things just do not belong. And, I do write about it. Few of you could have missed it.

Now you know why. If you really do not like it, stop reading or take it up with God. If I am wrong, you have the capacity to write me and email or comment. I will not block such. And, I will try to discuss things. But I will not surrender God, rightness, or truth for someone's feelings. I cannot.