Not fast, just some motion.

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I've done the dishes, and a load of laundry is in the drier, another in the washing machine.  And, as I have done bits of that, I have also done a few other things.  Just a bit of spot cleaning.  I am hoping to finish the laundry and then give the counters a real washing.  The other day I just gave them a first dose of the medicine.  I didn't have the energy or organization yet to clean them down to brass tacks.  If I finish the laundry, and still have a bit of energy, I'll take a shower.  I don't quite need one, I just want one.  It can't be all work, or just for work. 

The kitchen, as well as I can do it, is what will happen tomorrow.  Table, floors, and a review of what needs to be tossed.  I would like to get to the grocery store, but would have done that days ago if I could have gotten out.  As I suggested, this week, probably later in the week, will be my first shot at venturing out.  The grocery store, and the hardware store, plus a visit to the post office.  I'll look at the weather reports.  We did have a cool spell a few days ago, I think.  I doubt if we will get another one soon.  But perhaps I can try to focus on a day that is supposed to be cooler.  It is heating up out there, but... that's good.  Summer has it's uses.

I have been keeping up on the litter box, taking my medicine, and working to normalize a day schedule.  I would like to add some things to my daily routine, like blood pressure and blood sugar checks, weight, and such.  If I plan for every day and only hit three to four checks a week, I could be happy with that.  The thing is, I need to keep the kitchen table open for that.  At the very least create a cleared spot large enough to handle that effort and the logging of it.  But, really, unless I keep the table clear, whole, that won't work.  Blindly toss?  Probably.  Actually, I'm going to be hitting the rest of the cave with that in mind.  Since I can't sort... toss.  I don't like it, but...  Oh, and I need to start getting the lawn watered.  Which means dragging out the hoses, setting up the sprinklers, and setting the timer.  Tonight, tomorrow, when I can.  Later.

Must have needed sleep.

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I ended up not actually going down until 19:00.  Must have pushed it, and didn't get much sleep yesterday.  Still, I didn't think I would need to set the alarm.  I didn't wake until after 7:00.  I did stir earlier, when it was still very dark, but I couldn't wake, neither body or mind.  Probably my usual wake time, around 3:00 to 4:00, I would guess, but one of those two has to be functional to drag me awake.  A very long sleep, but as I suggested, I probably needed it.  Still on medicine like clockwork, which probably isn't quite helping, but verging on that.  Another few days to a week and there is some hope I will be back in trim.

Today?  Back to the plans.  Dishes, which I will reset, a load of laundry in when I do that, a little breather, and then out to sanding and finishing up the work bench.  Hmm, before I finish that, I may see if there is some treatment for the wood.  Tung oil or linseed oil...  still thinking.  I know, I know, over-complicating things, perhaps.  I'll be reading and deciding, and if I haven't chosen by the time I can get out, and into town, I'll just skip it.  But I will sand the surface today.  I read that mixing 2 oz. bees wax, a pint of linseed oil, than one pint of linseed oil, coating the top daily until the wood stops absorbing, and sort of like that notion.  I've wanted to get boiled linseed oil anyway, to start working on various wood handled tools and some other things.  Yeah, yeah...  But...

First I have to wake.  Medicine has been taken.  Food?  Not likely.  Once a day, for now, until I get back on my feet a little better.  When I am more active, food 'happen' more often, naturally.  So I don't worry about it.  I am quite used to being hungry.  And, if I can get the dishes kicked out before too long, I will get a shower taken as well.  Another cup of coffee would be great, and a little time to process.  Well, right after resetting a hot rinse for the dishes and putting a load of laundry in.  Good day.

Do you ever wonder?

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I dream of things dark.  I know what beats in me is beastly, to some who do not understand.  Unleashed it could eat the world.  True, but it is not by my will, but by His.  I have some belief that it is immortal in a unique way.  I even have some notion that this is not it's first, or probably last, time here.  Divergence, sure.  Just notions, though not beyond the pale.  Not even theologically.

Warned Russia.

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Not much, a bit though.

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I doubt if laundry can go forward.  Going out isn't possible.  I did get the trash together, and out.  Cleaning the cat litter while I was at it.  It wasn't completely foul, as I had worried.  Bad enough though.  Some dumping, some additive, some clearing, and that mess is back in order.  I may set the dishes to another hot soak, and try to get to those before I crash.  Even that is a bit iffy.  When I am feeble, I am feeble.  Unless you hit me upside the head with a brick or shoot at me.  That's what it takes for some to get their boogie on.  Not even sure, in absolute terms, if that choreography is even worth a damn anymore.  Certainly not by professional standards.

Oh, I also reset my medicine sets.  I have been taking medicine precisely for the last three days.  As I suspected, it is both helping and hurting.  Feeling better, but it is as if my butt turned to lead.  Or... more leaden.  :)  Race you!  To a chair.  I'll win that one.  Only one chair?  I'll floor you.  I've also done just a bit of minor tinkering.  It doesn't seem like much, but it is a stirring.  After weeks of doldrums, even the whisper of some wind is a... bolster to faith that there might be more.

I have been tinkering with my katana, in my down time.  No, not really swings or slicing.  If you understand one weapon, in essence, you understand them all.  A weapon is everything and anything you can control... if some are better than others.  A weapon is an object, in one sense, not associated with your biological form.  Hands can be weapons, and the primary weapon is the mind, will.  But that is esoteric.  Quite true, quite visceral, very real, most don't understand such a notion.  So I will stick with weapons being foreign objects.  The way a firearm is similar to a sword, bow, lance, battle axe, or any other weapon, is that, in all cases, you manipulate the physical, external to your body, in order to strike a target.  With the gun, you aim in order to land the bullet to within the tightest tolerances of your skill, the firearm, and the ammunition.  With a sword, to begin, you want to control the point of the blade.  And, so, I have been practicing getting the tip to touch very small dots.

Oh, I will never truly master a sword.  I am decent, with my European hand and a half.  But the katana is far too long to be practical.  It is more of an art than a weapon.  If it might have applications.  If I wished to have practical blades, I would choose the ko-katana, and might.  I can handle two of those at once.  And they are truly far more... precise and sure.  Still, it was something to do when the show was being overly melodramatic.  The dang thing is sharp though.  Learn to respect your tools and they will respect you.  Or, really, you will respect yourself by respecting honorably your tools.  Depends on if you wish to consider it artistically or practically.  I was in a daze, most of the last few weeks, so...  But respect rightly and no worries.

Yes, I will rest the dishes to a fresh rinse, goof a bit, do those, then maybe cook a bit or just sleep.  I want to push to 17:00, but no more.  Yesterday was an aberration caused by frustration in that I had places to go and things to do and did little.  The engine was running but the drive could not engage.  Even today it is similar.  But I do need my sleep as I try to dig out.  Later.

When asleep and when awake.

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I didn't go down until 23:30 or so.  I suspected I would need a full eight hours of sleep, so gave myself nine hours, by the alarm.  Hey, an alarm clock is the outfielder counting on my hate of outfielders and batters, as a pitcher, to induce me to clear the innings without a hit.  I don't even like baseball.  :)  Shut up.  Yeah, feeling a bit of wit and cock this morning.  Rooster must crow!  Never the whit.  Thing is, I woke a bit before 3:30.  *pop*  Rather awake and alert, as the assist might suggest.  Now, I thought it was 4:30, so I went along with it.  Didn't realize the time until I was into full swing, and checked the clock then.  No problems, looks to be a good day.

I dreamed last night.  Several dreams.  One was of corn.  They had produced two nearly magical types of the stuff.  One could be consumed, and nourish or burn, but remain inviolate.  After the process, whatever process, the corn could be harvested fully from what should have been the leavings.  Not that, in all cases, even in the dream, would I have recommended that.  The other corn was consumed, but not.  I don't remember the mechanics of how that worked, perhaps a form of regeneration.  In any case, it was I was who tasked with deciding which to use.  But there was one company that wanted to obtain all rights to the corn that remained inviolate, and never use it, just keep it as a bargaining chip... like gold.  They would not feed the world, create fuel, only manipulate the markets with it.  They were brilliant, and evil.  I chose to stick with regular corn.  No, I am not against gmo's.  But these were purely unnatural.

There was another dream, in which God was speaking with me.  He offered to allow me to choose the fate of mankind, in various ways.  I can't remember all of it, the details of the control.  It was sort of a pop quiz on what I thought men should, and should not, be.  I erred on the side of letting each man decide what was right and wrong, to seek out his conscience, truth, and God, as he so desired.  I don't like how men are.  I don't like what we do.  I simply do not believe I, or any system at this point but the one God set in motion, should have, or can have, any good results through control, or reality changes, or limits.  Agonizingly frustrating, slow, meandering, and hard is the way.  But it is the only way to find the gifts God has set for us.  And then accept or reject those gifts.  Childish, brooding, obstinate, willful, and many other things, but God went through this before us and waits on the other side for those who decide to try maturity.  He carries us when we fail, if we simply do not give up.  Not a change, not a smidgen, did I request.  Only that, in our foolishness, He continue to abide us.  Me as much, or more at times, than any other.

I didn't write them, I just had them.  Oh, and God said to say hello.  :)  I must admit, that was one of the most powerful dreams I have ever had.  Even while dreaming it I felt... as if in an alternate reality, beyond that of dreamscapes.  Time and space seemed to warp, even in the dream.  Imagine if a mountain should speak to you using thunder as a voice, while you are deep in space, under water, with massive weightlessness.  I don't really know how else to try to explain it.  Oh, not that literal, just... on the fringes, I knew the dream was that different.  It put me to ease while terrifying me, somehow.

I washed the dishes I had set to soak, then set them to a rinse.  I am hoping to put a load of laundry in this morning.  Oh, and I didn't get the trash out, so I need to do that in a few hours.  I probably can't do two things back to back, so I will finish with the trash, including changing the cat litter, in a few hours.  Rest a bit, then start in on laundry.  While I was at dishes, I cleaned out the microwave and hit the counters and cooktop.  It's just a start on the counters and cooktop, but a decent one, for the day and into recovery.

While I missed three events yesterday, there is another today.  It is considered quite important, in my book, as well.  I do not know if I can make it, however.  It has been so long since I have been out, and on my feet for very long.  A man lost his young adult son.  A thing that should not happen.  His only son.  Swimming, pushing his limits, and he drowned.  He was with others but they did not see him go down.  I would trade my life, but that is not how God set things to happen.  I do harbor some jealousy.  To know one life and one death?  But I can only guess at the pain of the family.  I have lost brothers, a woman and child.  But not a son I had grown to know, raise.  And I can deny, usually do.  Just working on the fumes.  They are immersed in it.  I just don't know if I can make it.  I honestly can barely walk.  We'll see.

Well, on to another day in the sandbox.  Off to a good start, but already with more to do than I think I can do.  Some heavies, some light, some work done and remaining.  I'll give it a shot.  Later.

Okay, more forward than static.

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Not backward either.  Three social events today, however, were missed.  One I knew about, two I didn't.  On most days this summer, I would have been able to make at least one, perhaps two.  Today isn't most days.  I am doing better, but recovery is painfully slow.  After the dishes and shower, I set another load of dishes to go.  There isn't much, but... I was feeling perky.  Perky?  No!  How about... able?  Yes, that would be it.  Within some restraints.  I also bagged up trash, and will be getting that out today.  Trash day, I think.  And, I might try to do a load of laundry.

The events are ones I would dearly have wished to attend.  People I know and care about were involved, as the main people.  I simply could not get function, or even track time.  And I worry about some things.  A shower can clean the body, but...  I worry if I smell from the cave being let go for so long.  Which is why tending the cave is the highest priority.  But that wasn't all of it, just a side worry.  I honestly couldn't make heads or tails of life enough to figure out how to do what would be required.  If I handed most of you a calculus problem, you would feel the same sort of confusion.  One thing at a time, slowly, and then maybe another thing.

Laundry would help.  And taking out the trash will help.  Redoing the cat litter will help.  And then opening up the house in the cool parts of the day will help.  Showering more often will help.  I was walking the walk of life at a gingerly pace there for a bit.  I am back to crawling.  I do hope I can rise, again, even yet this summer.  No promises.  Just a hope.  But it is one thing at a time, and great focus, at times, to even do that.  I am back on my medicine.  Well on it.  I don't know, for sure, if I need adjustment time or not. 

I need to figure out how to get to the store before long.  Hopefully this week.  No promises.  Getting out is a whole level or three above my ability.  At the pace I am improving, however, I should be up and back to some normalcy in a week or two.  It's just the way it goes.

I have started playing The Last of Us.  It is something new to do.  At first I really didn't like the game.  Then I realized it wasn't the game.  I had sought advice before playing, foolishly.  While the advice might be good for some aspects, or difficulty levels, of the game, it didn't turn out to be very good in a general way.  Well, and learning the controls, when I am down, is... painfully slow.  Toss in a dose of cynicism and... there you go.  After a bit of trial and error, I have found myself rather enjoying the game.  Oddly, I don't... empathize with the lead much.  Fact is, it's because we are a bit too close in real terms.  Who wants to be a putz that just happens to be barely quicker than the next threat, vulnerable emotionally and physically, and with a learning curve that is a bit difficult?  Oh, and in his forties.  Never mind.  The game might help me... tick my life back up a bit. 

Well... I best either put a load of laundry in now, or forget about it?  I hate to say it, but I think I will leave that off until tomorrow.  I will try to remember to get the trash out.  But I am waking early enough that if I can't do it now, I can do it before the truck arrives.  Later.  And... have a good day, if you can.

On to waking and planning!

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Yes, dishes, then a shower.  I just hated not being able to plan.  But I knew that planning led to having too much on my plate and I would freeze.  Or... that's what I am suggesting.  So, rather than spending time waking, I got right to it.  Now I can plan.

Setting up the hoses to water the garden, and setting the timer for 21:00 or so, is a major goal.  The next thing I hope to do is to sand the top of the workbench and install several more brackets into the pegboard.  If I have anything left after that I will bolt the vice and grinder down to the top, and a few other things.  Yes, I know.  Long time in the process but I can't worry about that.  If I let some things get to my head, heart, I would never get to anything.  It might seem that way, but that isn't the truth.  At a snails pace, but I have moved mountains, with the givens and give or take, in the last decade.  My mountain may be your molehill, to each their own.  Further, I wouldn't recommend walking in my shoes.  You wouldn't survive.  Not all of the mountain I have moved is strictly visible.  So... what's your problem.  *grin*

Smarmy?  More like cocky.  Taking the shower and doing the dishes tickled my fancy.  Such little things, but impossible things until today, and for a while.  I was amazed though.  It's been a... while since I could shower.  And yet... I was clean.  My hair was a little rough, but my body?  It was as if I had showered yesterday.  Trust me, my nose and senses work fine.  I thought I would be extremely gnarly, like a week in the bush.  A blessing, of sorts.

Well, on to waking.  Then getting those plans underway.  It's been a while since I ate.  I have food coming in today, but if I get things done by noon, I may sneak into town for lunch and just a smidgen of shopping.  Cream and milk are sorely missed.  Canned milk and dehydrated milk just don't cut the mustard, they simply... suffice, mostly.  Later.

Still better, but just.

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I am feeling better, just not doing better.  My plans simply didn't work out yesterday.  I have reset the dishes for a fresh rinse and... hold the plans over.  There is too much to do.  I have almost nothing to give.  My day is back in day, mostly, but without effort, it just rolled around on it's own.  I will try to keep it there.  I went to bed at about 17:00, set the alarm for 2:00, but didn't wake until almost 4:00.  I heard the alarm but could do little more than shut it off.  I'll keep working on that.

I look around the world, at the faithful, at myself.  It would be easy to fall to sorrow.  I simply refuse.  Even if I can't reach out to it, I keep looking for a handhold, a way out.  If I or the world slips, I just look to the next viable path.  It is fallen, and deeply.  As am I.  Truth is, we will never dig ourselves out.  We can be in a better or worse position, however, and that is my goal and I extend it to the world with what little I have to give on any front.  We won't get there by feeling good, or bad, or anything.  We either get to a better position through effort or we fall to a worse position through doubt.  I choose to ignore feelings when work is possible, dealing with emotions when I can't work, or try to work.  I am in the "trying" mode, hoping to break through to actual work.  No time for feelings right now.

I need to wake first.  An hour or two then, hopefully, hit the dishes and take a shower.  I won't put anything else up, so as not to become overwhelmed, until those things are done.  Later.

Better.

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I won't say I'm clearing hurdles yet.  I did reset the dishes and am hoping to get them dried and put away shortly.  Then a shower, a load of laundry, and some cleaning... whatever I can get done.  I still have a minor headache, but this is more of a normal one.  If it has anything to do with the bug, it is remnants of the fight.  The bug is dead, long live the bug.  But between starting medicines and my body cleaning up and slowly backing away from the bug fight, a minor headache is to be expected.  Definitely not at the top of my game.  Just better than I have been in weeks, at this moment.

I do have a light list of things to do.  Some reading offered for thought, a bit more cleaning, getting the lawn some water tomorrow, and figuring out my next steps.  I will have to work up to doing anything bigger, but I think I will be able to slowly start working again.  There might even be a social call coming up, or two.  One is more important.  And shopping.  I am out of milk, cream, and some other stuff.  Thawing some meat, too.  Just a bit.  I need to start eating again. 

It is hot out there, and I am a bit sensitive to it for a while.  The fever was like a sunburn, it makes all other sources of heat a bit more noticeable, uncomfortable.  If I can get the hoses set up earlier in the morning though, and set to run in the evening after the sun goes down, that might be good enough.  Medicine will help, after a little bit of abuse for missing it.  It will slow me down for a week or two, which is fine, I guess, as things stand.  Without a garden to worry about, I can, maybe, stick to cleaning and doing repairs, maintenance, and construction this summer.  Rest, and maybe get out this winter, and save for the kitchen floor in the spring.

Plans are great.  Sometimes they work, sometimes they hit the wall of reality and... you get what you get.  And yet it is worth the effort to plan.  It gives fallback positions, opens opportunities, and seems to smooth life out, good or bad.  So I will continue to plan, doing what I can, when I can, and... enjoying what of it works out, rescheduling the rest.  Later.

No friends, allies, tribe?

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True.  By blood, family, state, or faith, I have never been on anyone's side.  No, this isn't because I am special, for good or ill.  It was simply the truth of my walk from boy to man.  Not one race, not in a single family, not one faith, and through some divides not even of one single nation, or even two.  Do remember, Indians are each a nation unto themselves through legal strictures. 

It isn't that I am disloyal.  It isn't that I didn't want a home.  It is merely that I am what I am, who I am, and how I have become those things.  A child of God in that I have walked a walk He Himself has alluded He walked.  On the upside I have had the freedom to choose my home.  After many years at sea, looking at all of the things, places, and people I could choose, I started at the start.  God.  Both the Alpha and Omega.  I saw truth in Him.  I simply needed to see if that truth was right, enough, believable.  Quite a row to hoe with no connections or certainty. 

Reading.  The bible, and any other source that tried to put order to the matter of God.  People, radio, the occult, myth, legend, lore, all have bits of it.  Having been a seeker of these things for most of my life, that input went into the gathering.  Time was spent, effort, prayer.  First things first.  Identifying what God says He is, and deciding if I believed what He suggested, was first.  Once you see the patterns, to within your ability... then decide if you can abide that as true... if you decide it is true, then you begin to look for His pattern as a teaching.  And, so, I did.  That was my first home. After that, you begin to look for regions, of flesh, where that is more keenly lived.  And so it was.

I am still alone.  Even in my various homes.  Many are there because that is where they were born or surrendered.  That alone makes me outcast.  And yet, I think I am seen as a believer.  As faithful.  Just to God above men and our ways.  A bit of a quirk.  Again, don't blame me, or praise me.  I only had the roads that were available, the tools I was given, if all does come from God, all are not given the same.

I am no longer fearful.  I am not alone.  And while I may be wrong from time to time *cough*, God is a very gracious Father.  I am home, if sometimes, seemingly, alone.  It is I who will pray for you.  If you ever know one ounce of what I have, should you be flayed alive you won't worry.  You are always home, in any state, in any condition, at all times.  Go home.  Amen.

Yeah? I have had worse.

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Going back on medicine is more achy than the flu.  I am almost sure the flu, or whatever virus, has left the building.  The aches I'm going through are typical medicine start up aches and no fever or other symptom.  Timed that just right.  Who wants to ever feel better!  Actually, this summer has been pretty good.  My garden, and flowers, are gone.  My lawn is in dire straights, I still have a faucet, then whole bathroom to fix.  And a thousand other things on the menu.  Next year?  The watering system goes in first.  THEN I put plants in.  But if I don't have something in by May?  Forget about it.  The season is simply too short to fuss.  I suppose the next thing for me to do is take the drip feed system down, and pack it in until next year.

That will lift some stress and demand, and a whole failing set of projects off my shoulders.  Perhaps that will help me to kickstart something else.  I think, the next thing I am hoping to work out, is the mess of a cave I am living in.  An attempt to get back to some semblance of humanity.  I was starting summer fairly well.  The shows aren't what brought me down.  I was stumbling well before that.  I had hoped they would give me some... directed down time.  And I suppose they did.  But there simply hasn't been a way back up since.  Going off, and slipping on, medicines, for a while now.  As I said though, is it medicines, or illness, that lobs the first shell over the bow?  I'm leaning toward illness being the culprit this time.

Whine.  I do.  Or so it might seem.  Truth is, these are just the facts.  What I am doing is, clearly and precisely taking a look and my realities so I can assess where I need and want to go and how I can get there.  It seems rather like being in a life-vest... somewhere a dozen miles from shore, heading out to see, far from the shipping lanes.  It's the way it's been for a very long time though.  It's 2014?  Hmm... since 1987, I believe.  That's not when it all finalized, just when I started seeing the signs that something bigger than my consciousness and will was wrong, and with me.  It was coming for me and I had no way to escape, or defeat, it.  And it wasn't even until 2010-11 until I knew what all was involved.  It could be worse.  There are people who really don't know, perhaps can't.

I may have mentioned, I set up a new anti-virus program on my system.  Since it tends to completely gobble resources on this old system, I have set it up to ask me before it hiccups or farts.  It completely ignores.  I really do hate these punk nose programmers who think they will defend my machine at all costs, ignoring my input.  That's the same type of hubris that hackers have, and, essentially, they are using the same tools to "defend".  Essentially, and beyond, they are no more trustworthy than who they face.  Just as likely they are picking up data and selling it, just like hackers.  It's only a dog eat dog world when everyone is a dog.  As is the case with computer security and hackers.  Both just want the data to themselves.

Later.

Sleep helped.

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Chilled well enough.  I actually feel fairly good as long as I can keep cool enough.  After waking I have just done a bit of research on some minor things and blogged.  I did remember to call and cancel a visit.  I hate when I forget to inform then have to deal with the consequences.  I notice that as I have done things, my temp has slowly increased.  It's not just popping up, so I have a bit before needing to chill.  All good.  I have definitely had worse.

I'll probably set the dishes to a hot rinse, play a game for a bit, dry the dishes, and then might well need to go back into the chill box.  I have to be a bit careful of cooling off too fast.  The chills are as bad as the heat.  Adding a bit of blanket here, kicking off part or all there, tending the feet, it's a bit of work but the payoff is there.  As long as I don't fall too far into either extreme, or even let extremities suffer, I seem to be doing okay.  Actually I think this is the best flu-ish illness I have ever had.  Usually, since I only get them occasionally, they seem to be extreme when I do get them.  And virulent, so I keep people away.  I'll probably be better tomorrow night.  I mean done with it, completely.  I wish I could have thrown the viral infection that wasted my heart off as easily.

The shingles, chicken pox recurrence really, just isn't in the same league.  I do wonder if the shots they gave might have caused that to flare.  They shoot us up with more stuff than you can imagine when going overseas.  And, usually, it's good.  There will always be a few bad reactions in the batch.  I had it before we were actually aboard, so it wasn't from the close quarters stuff that pops on subs about a month into tours.  Though I doubt if that helped. No worries.  After everyone settled a bit, and accepted that there was a problem, things have been handled as well, I suppose, as could be expected.  Which, of course, is why I don't trust doctors.  They really don't know and don't always do a good job of finding the real problems.

Just a minor headache creeping in, but less than my occasional, sort of off to the side.  No complaints here, a good sign that whatever it is, it's working it's way through.  Later.

So it goes.

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After drinking a half gallon of iced water, then laying in the cooled bedroom, I did cool off.  Then got the chills, bad.  So... I'm trying to get rid of that out in the heat.  I can tell there is some real fever, that is isn't just an expression of angst.  My eyes, in more ways then one, it's the eyes.  When sick, ill from something, they get wonky around the edges of the eye lids.  As if the heat of my body has dried them out, even more than normal.  Tear glands don't seem to work as they should either.  So there is some sort of that.  But that isn't all of it.  I am sure of that.  A few days and I'll be better.

I have definitely had worse.  No running nose, changing from hot to cold seems to handle some of the discomfort.  I don't have a headache, or migraine.  My appetite is fine, no nausea or upset.  But the fever and chills can be intense, but not dangerous.  No cooking of eggs on my forehead.  I do need to focus on staying hydrated though, above all else, if it's the only thing I do.  Another half hour and back into the chill.  This time I will cover up first, a bit.

Later.

Burning.

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Not sure if it is a fever, or just the heat.  I turned the ac on, and set the fans to help.

Nah, that isn't working.  I just stood in front of the ac.  Yeah, no.  It's me.  A bit of flu, a bit of other.  All the furnaces inside are on.  Pain opens some doors, closes others.  I bet looking at me, standing in front of the ac, with a thermal viewer, would cause the viewer to lift an eyebrow, or two.  And scoot.  Burning hot.

Rough.

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Yeah.  I got back on medicines then something just slipped.  As I have said, whether it is medicine or general health that slips first is a question that simply doesn't have an answer.  It might even be one, then the other.  All I know is that I have missed meds for a few days.  Oh, don't be silly.  Imagine just giving severely ill or injured patients their medicines in the hospital and expecting them to take them correctly.  When I am ill, I am that ill.  When I am healthy it works.  It's not irresponsibility, just reality.  I'll start them up again tonight.  Then again, I'm not sure if what is wrong is missing medicines or... simply illness.  The medicine is rather potent, mind you.  But so is the sickness.  I'll start up and try to focus on taking them.

I am going to kick out the dishes tonight.  And maybe run a load of laundry through, or two.  Then rest.  A nap, probably.  Sleep has been good, just not restful.  I wake up tired and never quite break out of that.  I do get eight hours, or more, now.  I think I am making up for lost sleep watching the shows.  Probably a bit of withdrawal after watching the last one.  I think there were some I didn't watch, either because the sound track or video was incomplete.  I learned, at that site, that you can look use other feeds... it is a collection of video offerings, of the same program.  Sort of like seeing the same show, but on different channels.  I may go back and review some of the ones I didn't get to see, but... not right away.  A nugget for later, like how squirrels hide nuts for the winter.

Oh, I might thaw some meat, too.  It's been a while since I have eaten rightly.  I really should eat at least a meal a day.  Two if I can fit in a snack or such.  Hmm... I do have hotdogs.  The pack I opened I left out, so it is gone.  But I bought several packs.  I just hope the buns are still good.  I rarely eat bread of any type, but hotdogs and hamburgers are the exception... or if I am in a restaurant that actually hand makes it.  The girls have been begging but their hunger has become a bit too demanding.  I think Sassy knows when I am on the fringes.  I used to feed her way to much because she knew how to trick me out of it.  I am being cautious with that.  Besides, I know they have hard cat food and fresh water.  I'd rather have her be a bit hungry than three pounds overweight.  Or more, she is already at least a couple of pounds heavy in the Chevy.  :)  Ah well, I think it's about time.  Have you ever been meow berated by a cat?  Yeah, it's time.

Later.

Thoughts.

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I'm not going to bother... notating.  Take what you will or want.  Part of why I dig so deeply.  Search.

More sleep.

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It took an hour or two to go back down.  I almost didn't.  I knew I needed it so I kept sleep on the itinerary and it worked out.  For the first time in... a while I feel rested.  My body, muscles and bones feel rested from disuse.  But my mind was cracking under the pressure of watching, considering, and being awake too long for so long.  Well and sorting and discarding the liberal tripe that is found in all such material these days.  That part of life is exhausting, every day.  Another day of good rest and I might be able to figure some things out.  But it is hot out there, during the days, so work out there is going to be brutal.  It just is.

I don't know if my garden yet lives.  That might be a bust this year.  I'll at least check tomorrow.  And I might tinker in the garage just a bit.  I want to sand the benchtop just a bit before doing some other things.  I could do that and I might be able to then attach some things, and put some more pegboard pieces up, and fit a few other things.  That and some dishes and laundry, plus a call about the faucet hopefully.  Well, that's the goal.

For now I need to wake.  I can't remember some things.  Being locked into something as I was, the world sort of melts around me.  Weeks have passed, but it seems like a lifetime has gone on around me.  Rust and cobwebs in the noodle.  I have had dreams do that, believe it or else, on a single night.  I have literally lived whole lives in dreams.  And I have literally pseudo slept for months, even a year once.  Both have rescheduled all of my designs.  So I have had worse, and to much worse ends, and with no gain.  So... I'll figure this out and work on things.

I still laugh at the notions I am getting.  Feedback.  I know I am not always appreciated.  Especially when I seem to go off the rez, and in directions or areas which seem specious, unpalatable, or too foreign or uncomfortable.  As I might have suggested, God's design is flawless.  But it also means walking alone, in it, sometimes.  At least He gave me the juice to... cope.  Never worry.  I don't wish to be alone, I just am.  Mostly.  A woman or two has been able to walk with me, for a bit.  But it is bloody hard.  At least I understand, now, finally.  I just can't escape myself.  And... God is always here.  I knew that even when I tried to walk away from Him.  He has... handled much worse.  He can take it.

Now to wake.  Later. 

Done and done.

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The shows, that is.  I just finished the series this morning.  I suppose one could call it gorging.  And maybe it was.  I needed physical rest, then became slightly addicted.  While I did push sleep, I did get inactive rest.  I can't seem to rest completely, or work or play all that much either.  Suffer one way or the other, it's just the way it goes.

That may be the first series of shows I have ever, for sure, watched completely.  They offer... fodder for thought.  Much of it, of course, can be left on the table without any consideration.  Some of it... offers plaster for a few cracks in theories.  Not that they matter, actually, even if they were correct.  But I collect lore, myth, and such like others collect... whatever people collect.  Useless, mind you.  A form of wealth, however, that none can steal, tax, ruin.  Death gets it, I am sure.  But it adds to some things.  An odd tale, a bit of lore, an enhanced understanding of some possibilities.

Plus, just sticking with it?  It seems a little thing, perhaps a foolish thing.  But as I suggest, I needed physical rest harshly.  I pushed, and keep pushing, this summer.  I knew I had to take a break.  My body wasn't giving me much of a choice.  And yet I pushed even then.  I guess I liked trying, and succeeding, that push.  Now to get back to some tasks, if I might have to work my way back up to it all.  Visitors, recently, told me what day and the date.  I have been down for a bit, I see.  Well... back to the other grinder... after a nap.

Later.

Music.

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Some of it, musically, is... well... icky.  Girl stuff, really.  Girl cooties never quite go away, the notion of them.  Yeah, sure, I've certainly gotten over the third grade notion of it, just not all of it.  What they like to eat, their invasion of personal space, and... some other things.  Still, sometimes it takes a woman to say some things in a certain way.  Men don't have the tongue for it.  Some men have tongue, some men have tears, none quite have that heart.  Trust me.  Well...  Some of the music may be more, or less, entertaining.  Depending on if some cat *cough* likes umbrellas in his drink.  All I'm sayin'.  *laughs*  Some of it is better.  None of it is quite the stuff that makes my mojo rock.  Fair warning.