Late.

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I have been keeping my days in line.  Time has been, however, slowly edging over.  At almost 3:00, this might be the start of sleeping days again.  It always happens, just a matter of time.  I only have a few pieces of business to attend before I go dark, or that is the hope.  I have found that the world, no matter my intent or it's designs, works quite well without me.  Still, I prefer to offer input on some things.

I did get the check for the meat out today.  It is good to have that tended.  Now to really consider whether a new freezer is in line.  I think it is, even if it is going to be temporary.  I will go cheap, as I will be moving within a year or two.  No choice.  I can't seem to afford medicine even if I can afford a doctor.  And, the state, now that they have been sicked on me, must do what it must do.  So I will be losing my license.

Anyway... I will be putting much of this beef up as jerk.  Freezing that on top of it.  I hope to have enough beef jerky, along with some of my other stores, to last the first year, maybe two, wherever I go.  I figure, renting a climate controlled storage unit, or one on both sides of the state, hitching and camping between the two, should set me up fairly well.  Plus, access to some cash from time to time.  Wintering over as a house-sitter, if possible, or renting if not.

Oh, while out, I did manage to find a smaller tube of silicone.  I will use that along the trim of the toilet and floor, as well as for the toilet seat bolts.  I have another bead of calk further under the toilet body... two just seemed better than one.  The outer one is the only one I can redo, though, without having to use another wax seal.  It isn't necessary though, either, I don't believe.  Now to completely wash the toilet again.  I want it super clean before working with it.

Bedtime.  Good night.

I was wondering.

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I woke in some distress this morning.  Even through the night I could tell something was awfully wrong.  Pains in my stomach, lower torso in general.  Something was very off.  Has an organ finally quit?  Bleeding or spillage of something unhappy?  Sure, being up long hours, then getting ready and out, to the butcher and store, and having to shove all the way... yeah.  But that shouldn't affect my stomach.  Then I remembered.  Yesterday morning I had an epic b.m.  I was nearly literally doing a crunch for between 45 and and hour yesterday.  Brutal.  I didn't know I had that kind of torso strength and endurance left to me.  Yep.  If something I have done was ever going to kill me, within the last five years, that was it.  So, now, my lower ribs to the top of my hip-bones all know they let a big one get away.  Oh, I should be careful.  Making myself laugh hurts.  But it hurts so good!

I don't mind pain, less when I can place the cause, even less if I agree with the reason.  For this, it's all good.  I think I ate too little for too long, then ate beans, burger, and cheese without anything to cut it for a couple of days, then stopped eating again.  Masticated glue, and a large bundle of it.  All I'm saying the more.

Shopping yesterday.  All the usuals.  Milk, butter, and now fruit.  Mostly citrus this time.  There are some... weird, orange like, fruits that...  I tried them several times back.  They taste like oranges used to, to my mind.  Fantastic.  Golden nuggets?  Something like that, I think.  Fuggly, but tasty.  Grapefruit, again.  If you don't like grapefruit, you probably have never peeled it then peeled the sections themselves.  Divine fruit, at least that way.  Still, from time to time, I like the bitter.  Keeps my force in alignment, and when I need a sour look, I have a memory to focus the need upon.  :p

I forgot to pay for the beef, and hog, too!  I just ran out of my mind.  The stomach had worn me, the extra effort of being out and about, and I am still running eighteen to twenty two hour days.  Brutal, but beautiful.  I love it when I, for me, can hit the limits then keep going.  Oh, I'll fail.  I won't get it all, hit every ball, make every base, succeed on every steal... but I'll play my heart out.  And I am.  So, today, I need to call, a bit later, to find the best time to bring payment by... today, tomorrow, at his discretion.  It's good to have these things done.  Oh, and I need to ponder whether another freezer is needed.  I am thinking it is.  Maybe a stand up this time, even if a lot spendier.  Bleh.

Well... Off with their heads!  Uhrm, wait.  That isn't my line.  The mind whirls as I wake.  Anywhile.  Later, and good day.

Still a bit rough and tumble.

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No, I didn't get to much yesterday.  A good start, then nothing.  Though I have cut my "days" in half, they are still very long.  Albeit I would rather run long than have three or four micro-days in an actual day.  That is... really disorienting.  Long days are a serious strain however.  It's spring, those are my choices.  All or nothing, sometimes.  If I can, I will almost always pick all.  Lately, that choice has been available, and chosen.

Still, my heart isn't hurting like it was.  Those forty eights were really taking a toll.  Don't think they would cause death, just discomfort.  But great discomfort, more so stacked wall to wall.  A good day of sleep in there helps.  The longest such trip I have taken, when I was younger, was ten days up.  Don't believe the notion that sleep deprivation can kill you.  Especially if you have experienced it and learned how to deal with it... both in sickness and health.  Not in a few days, it won't kill you, anyway.  There is a disease that makes it so people can't get REM sleep, and really no sleep at some point.  They slowly go mad, dreaming while awake.  Even that takes... a year, years, sometimes longer.  They become living poltergeists, lost spirits trapped in flesh.  Truly.  So, while ten days is... something... different... even that isn't all that special.  Just not normal, or normally available for most.

Many of the things I do in life that are... different... aren't so much of a choice, or a decision... only one of several options, often none of them better.  Choosing between the fire and the pan may seem easy.  However, the fire, while it might hurt more, is over more quickly.  Unless you have been there, be cautious with your judgments.  It'll hit you right between the eyes, at some point, when you are forced into the same, or a similar, situation.

The beef is in!  Well, it's at the butcher.  I will meet with some folk today to arrange for the cutting.  Could have done it online, but for me, I know nothing.  Clan reps who will be sharing out the beef will be there.  Whaught?  Didn't know Mormons had clans?  This Is the Highlands!  :p  Anyway, should be fun.  For me, as best I can tell, I want ribeye, inch and an half... chuck roast, all I can get... almost all other roasts cut to jerky meat, though a roast or steak mix they advise, let's just say I will take their advice... the rest into burger.  Though soup bones would be quite good, and any organ meat they might offer.

I will put another load of laundry in.  I hope to go shopping after visiting the butcher.  And that will be that.  But, first, to wake.  Good day.

Little sleep, long hours, but better.

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Once I realized I was slipping my mortal coil by slipping past sleep, I exited that gig stage right.  Well, as I was able.  I'm still riding the wind at a terrible pace.  Eighteen hour days are hard on the old bod.  The choice, however, is that or three to six hour shifts up and down, neither ever asleep or awake.  I'll take the stronger, tea or coffee of life, that is.  Keep the mild, milquetoast, numb, bland.  I'll die either way:)  I'd just rather die screaming, awake, and even if in mechanical error, it is better to die active than to sleep to death.  Well, perhaps others would rather go out gently.  Not I.  Hopefully not too painfully, but even that?  I'd rather die roasting than to not even know I died.  I certainly hope for a... middle ground... mind you.

Up since 2:00 or 3:00?  Wait, no... 5:00, perhaps nigh on 6:00.  Almost woke earlier, but I know I need a bit more sleep so forced myself down.  Sometimes that works, rarely.  It's just that I have been pushing long enough hours so that I am in shape to negotiate.

Today is a holiday, so I can't get in.  However, I might get a check out.  I will be paying for my first beef this month.  I just need to arrange the cuts.  Excited.  Exciting.  I'd like to get a lot of it for jerky, then hamburger, ribeye, and... I don't know?  I actually probably should just speak with them, in person.  I hate the phone.  A shower, too.  Maybe to town, a bit of shopping?  Yeah, but not quite yet.

I hope you have some small celebration, or a big one.  Remembering those from the past and the present.  Be well.

Sleep should be good.

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Only the dead, the ones you have seen, sleep better.  I have been pushing.  Though today and yesterday I kept it to about eighteen hours.  I think?  Anyway.  Even that is pushing things.  I am doing some work, here and there.  I stepped on the pedal... stomped.  Now to figure out how to apply the breaks, but not just stop.  Then... then how to go at a measured pace.  The weather is still fighting me.  Dark, cool, and almost June.

Hmm, looks like the plan will work.

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To bed in the time range I wished.  I did finally put the laundry into the dryer.  Oh, and I made an attempt at another project.  While cleaning the bathroom today, beside removing the toilet seat, which snap attaches to fittings bolted to the toilet body.  Well, this time I decided to take the bolts off and clean those as well.  More, I had hoped to silicon calk around the top side of the toilet boil where those fit down.  I couldn't remember where the calk was, so was going to wait.

However, frugality got the best of me.  I decided to look for what I had, attempt to make that work, even as old as that is.  I did find it.  I was able to dig deeply enough to hit fresh.  I got some to flow.  I think the way the canister was designed (?), at some point the tube simply can't be emptied further.  I was... putting extreme stress on the calk gun while getting no results.  Then I thought back.  Desert Cat suggested Goop.  A... multivariable, multi-formula line of material for adhesion and/or water proofing.  I found one tube of that.  Now, while it was waterproof, it also indicated that it was, pretty much, permanent.  Now, while I would like to think a toilet seat would last a lifetime, or that the bolts would so that I could simply switch out a seat, I wouldn't want to bet replacing a $400 toilet on my assumption.  When you weigh 300, and you are trying to get both the best physical fit and the best flushing toilet, you pay for it.  Trust me, that wasn't luxury.  Luxury is the $1,200 heated seat, or the even more expensive one which literally washes your behind, with warmed water.  A bidet, I think they are called?  Too tired to check, will forget before I do.  A French thing, not sure many others in Europe really digged the idea?

Anyway.  That didn't work.  I did give it a heck of a go.  It wasn't from a lack of effort.  What I have just didn't work.  This time, when I look for calk, I'm hoping to do research to see if something else would do.  A smaller amount of it, perhaps.  Cheaper.  I hate spending that for a one time use.  Though that may be that for that.

I did do some things today.  But the little effort really did hit hard.  Up too long, for too long, too often.  On the good side, the shower took care of my 'dusty eyes'.  I was starting to wonder about my vision.  The shiners just needed sprayed off and out.

Working isn't working out.

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Oh, one load of dishes... a meal cooked and half eaten... and a shower.  That shower was divine.  I still have to dry the laundry.  Bleh.  I might be able to sleep after eighteen hours up today.  I am hoping.  I think?  Did I wake at 21:00?  I... can't remember... or was that when I went to bed.  Yeah, the brain is getting fuzzy.  Anyway, the goal is to go to bed at 21:00~23:00 tonight.  Oh, I did some serious cleaning in the bathroom.  There was that too.

Just... writing something.  I did notice that a bunch of videos have been viewed, involving my... notions of my having a 'different nature'.  Yeah, well.  I've told you boys and girls.  I have evidence.  Mostly dead men... not so much shouldn't... but can't do what I can do.  Heck, healthy people can't.  Now, they can function more often, just not as... hmm... not even sure how to say it.  My mother noticed it, when I was young.  She hoped like hell I didn't turn out bad and tried to forget as fast as her stunned mind could allow.  Now she is just... suspicious.  Knows I'm not... human... probably.  No test for such a thing, it's just that humans die when they do, or don't do, some things.  In my 20's I stayed up for 10 days.

As I have said, I was accepted into the hipster vamp groups out East because I could do what they did but without drugs.  Never used them, didn't need them.  Still don't, it seems.  *grins*  Anywhile, later.

Yeah, still kicking.

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As in alive.  I fell three hours short of a back-to-back pair of 48 hour runs with but nine hours sleep between.  Then again, that first "48" was more like 51 iirc, immss.  I slept nine hours "this last night" as well.  Could just be spring in the air?  The in the world, the sun and weather aren't behaving the part of spring, to my body's senses.  Yet my body KNOWS it's spring.  So... after waiting patiently, it sprung?  Don't know.  Could be.  Anyway, it'll sort out in time.

When waking, I really thought about not playing today.  Just working.  But... nah.  However, I am not going to let this wakefulness opportunity slip my grasp, either.  While I will play, I will also work.  Oh?  Don't believe?  Fie you away!  I've already started.  I cleared and cleaned the toilet, took dirty laundry back and started a load, I have set up to take a shower, I broke down the packages for my new tea and flour cloth kitchen towels and put those back to wash, I am soaking a few dishes which were missed in my usual (now) precleaning, and hoping to get to dishes later.  I've gone through my produce... lemons are done, onions and grapefruit remain to be "tested", apples were gone... tossing and sorting.  Oh, I need to get the basket catches hung, and buy small chain for that the next time I am in town.  It makes sorting fruits and veggies a lot easier.  So... yeah.

Now, that little physical assault on the cave has left me worn.  A shower, finishing that load of laundry, and maybe another, is probably it.  Though, maybe, later, a trip to town... or tomorrow.  Not bad, not bad at all for the living dead.  While some dogs could not hear the horn, and back from the hunt... and some dogs could not break free...  I have been a wonder dog, able to chase, and return, well beyond master and "peer".  Even I, though, must know when to let the fox slip the hunt.  Or... is it I who must give up my ghost to the hunt?  From time to time, I suppose, I have known each.  Today I am letting the fox slip.  The goal is no more than a 24 hour day.  *wink*

Later.

Six more and it would be a 48 pack.

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Nah, I think I'm about to go down.  Nothing fancy.  I'm not hurting or grumpy.  A little numb, perhaps.  Less numb than without the game, though.  I was drifting between wakefulness and sleep, never finding either.  Now I am much more, comparatively, awake.  And when I sleep, there is no doubt.  I get slapped so hard into the dirt I don't see the shadow of the hand, forget about the hand itself.  I'd actually like to make it a few more hours.  That should be possible.  If I was still talking to my docs, they'd be telling me not only should I not do this, but that I can't do it.  They know my diagnosis better than I.  But they don't know... hmm... much.

I am hoping to get to town soon.  A bit of shopping... sides for with the duck... regular perishables...  I have everything I need if I absolutely can't get to town.  But this food isn't bought to enjoy.  It merely allows one to bid time until a better solution avails itself, or is scratched out.  Still, worst come to pass, it will do.  And it will do for quite some time.

I thought about using beer, again.  But it had no affect.  Yeah, as fast as I drank that six pack, I didn't get a very quick light buzz.  Two beers, for me, is less than half a beer for most men, though, for perspective.  Three beers is about a beer, me  to a standard man.  Just size, mostly.  Which means, most of the last few years, I usually really only have a "beer".  I don't even always finish "it".  Still, it really didn't get me down.  Tasted good though.  Which is part of why I drink the stuff.  Better than soda.  Actually, I think of it as the proper means by which men should consume wheat.  Pasta isn't bad, it just doesn't bite back.

Hmm, no, maybe not three more.  Yeah, I think I'm heading in.  Still, I'm up fairly late into the afternoon.  Good night.

Fuck it, I've got 12 more.

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Hmm, might pull two 48 hour shifts in a row.  Who knows.  Yeah, I never did get this.  Sleep just isn't going to happen.

Interesting.

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I've been pulling 24 four hour plus shifts... three in a row, at least.  Okay, 27 hours, so far, today.  But I am heading down.  As for sleep, eight to nine hours per.  And I'm doing well.  I do sleep hard, mind you.  Noice!  I'm not doing much, but I wouldn't have been anyway.  I'm in a down.  So pulling through it with something, anything, is cool.  Pulling I am.

Now, I am doing very little more than I would have been.  Cooking a few more more meals, usually one every several days, but paring the food out to last... a meal or two a day.  Actually I am drinking less tea, more like a gallon, maybe a gallon and an half a day.  Why less?  Don't know.  So it's not extra caffeine.

Yes, still awake.

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Well past 24 hours, probably past 36 hours now.  Didn't mean to do it.  The game is interesting, I would be muddling through neither awake or asleep as I had been for a while anyway, so...  Now, it's probably not the healthiest thing to do, and I am not the healthiest.  However, I have some suspicion that, even though I suspected, felt as if, I was dying, for most of the time the medical field was telling me there was nothing wrong but nerves, the reason I have survived is because I DIDN'T treat myself as if I was dying.  Even suspecting death was near, I kept at it, making it through engineering school, going white-water rafting at a time the water was terribly dangerous, and so on.  If I had placated it I would be dead.  Now, I'm still not sure if they knew, and if they did, the reason they didn't tell me.  Was it because they didn't want to pay out, or because they themselves don't believe in medicine so didn't see it helping, or was it an only hope.  Perhaps they were simply boobs who really didn't know.  I just doubt it.

Eggs this morning.  Toast would have been really nice, even bacon or sausage would have soaked up the extra yoke.  As much as I like it, and even living alone, I just... won't steep to licking the plate clean.  Oh, I want to do so.  Something about a semblance of civility.  Even from an ogre.  The other day I made a decent dish.  I fried sausage, some of the fresh that I got earlier this month.  Boy is very fresh hog rich tasting.  But that is the draw, and you like it (a lot) or not at all I think.  I soaked the juice off those on napkins (need to buy paper towels soon), then used a can of diced tomatoes, adding V8 juice.  Then I added the sausage in to finish.  As that all was seeming done, I added eggs, and let them poach in small little pockets.  I wasn't sure how it would turn out.  I would gladly eat it again.  Perhaps not haute cuisine, or even the finest.  But... enough.  Fresh pork sausage was probably what made the dish, salvaged it?  Yes.

No extra beers.  I realized, aside from beer anyway, I was beginning to wind down.  I am ready, I believe.  I have no idea how long I will sleep.  With the phone off anymore, just hack calls, and no real things going on, who knows.  Although, I am getting hungry for a duck.  I'd like to look at various ideas.  I can roast a duck, chicken, turkey, etc. quite well.  However, I have never attempted a true orange duck (or other fowl).  I haven't tried anything special, noteworthy, or such.  It's about time.  The problem with some of those meals is that it takes an operational event, with purchases, prep and sous chef work, the efforts equivalent of a saucier, and a whole lot of jazz.  You can cut it down, but only so much.

Oh, and I keep... looking out the window.  I want to get back in the trees, with the saw, finish that.  It is fun.  I do want to figure out some... safety procedures.  They might not pass muster for the state, but the state is bankrupting itself trying to force impossible rules which don't allow anyone to get hurt or die.  For one, you really wouldn't want that, not in a fallen world.  Though, with the state being secular now... not just agnostic to faith, but actively against it... they can't see the forest for the trees.  Anyway, while I don't mind taking risks and getting things done, I honestly don't wish to break something, or worse.  Hmm...  If I don't get to it this week, perhaps I could get in to confession.  Which would also allow me to go the the KoC meeting, or one, soon enough.  Gah!

Someone help!  My head has been misplaced and I have no way to find it!  Still, it's not all horrible, mind you.  I'm just laughing at the events.  I'll keep trying and hoping.  Alaska, though... I am beginning to really see that.  It's not going to be a romantic trip.  I have no belief that it will be fun and games.  And, yet, I believe I can figure things out.  A sort of Mr. Magoo.  I have been much of my life.  Next month is the beef, then I can back off and begin financially, and otherwise, planning my last, one way or the other, escape.  I could well live up there for the next forty years, just fine.  Or, in a year or less, retreat back to the lower 48.  We'll see.

Ah, right.  Good night.

Well?

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Well, the trick worked.  I am still no more able to do anything, but I am no longer sleeping and being awake between four and eight hours at a time, completely variably.  However, I am... in another sort of pickle.  I am awake, quite often, eighteen to... many more hours... at a time.  I even tried a trick a bit ago.  When sleep was evasive, in the past, long past when I was not on medicine... or the right kind... I found that drinking alcohol might help.

About that.  I haven't been drinking more than three beers at a time for... well... since before medication was ended.  I couldn't drink four, literally.  However, one, two, and rarely (if never fully) three beers have been a once or twice a month affair.  Just couldn't do it.  Tonight I did six, and might try two more.  Didn't work.  I am not sure I can drink a few more, though it might help.  I do need to sleep.

I have been trying to eat daily.  I have been doing pretty well with the girls, feeding, watering, and such.  Heck, I am sometimes jealous.  They have food on tap all the time, plus treats at least once a day, and wet food once a day.  The timing might not be great, but I am pretty good.  If I fail, it's by feeding them a bit too much.  Everything else has sort of been suspended.  I'll... try to get at it.  I do need sleep though.  Ugh.

Just a brief.  Later, or good night.

Ah, yes, there you are.

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OR:  Here I am?  Depends on how you see things, say things, perhaps your mood.

I said I was getting a new game.  I got it.  Saturday is it?  Time flies when one is stuck between a game, all the time they can put into it, and a complete incapacity to stay away regular hours.  What has happened between then and now is that I have figured out more of a massive open-world type virtual reality, and it's idiosyncrasies, flaws, rules, and tricks than most people would begin to understand in months of play.  Sometimes I have to look something up, more often than not it is native.

Other than that, Sam seemed to disappear recently.  Now, that day, whatever it was... Friday I believe, my garage door was open.  I let Sam out anyway, later that night.  Whoever opened the door subsequently closed it.  Witting of Sam's presence or not, I do not know.  Complicit?  Probably not.  It all depends upon whom closed the door.  Some would, some wouldn't.  Still, I put two and two and three together.  I suspected she was caught.  I just had to work up enough gumption to get dressed enough to go out and brink her in.  She was out most of the latter part of the dark side of a twenty four hour day.  Hmm?  Oh, she was probably locked up from midnight to dawn.  Actually, out for that time.  How long locked up depends upon when whomever closed that door.  She is happy to be back.

Not much else.  I must remember, when not using my phone, to shut it off.  I get calls eight times a day, all junk.  Intrusive, I believe it to be hassling, and with that intent.  Businesses have lost any ethics they may once have had.  With the corruption and enemy of the state this government is, it breeds evil in all other aspects of life.  They know for a small donation they can get away with almost anything.  Worst case, bankruptcy.  The bigwigs will get bailed, the crooks in their employ will be rehired quickly... for they will keep the ball rolling.  It's been that way since after Reagan.  Trump won't change much, should he win.  He will simply, if he closes the border and repatriates, give the US a second chance... a last chance.

The pains have eased up.  Though I may simply be stumbling through on gaming through exhaustion, so too numb to know.  It has been cloudy and cool.  A day or two of sun per week, it seems?  I'll keep at it.  For right now, and on to some unknown point, simply continuing to breath IS keeping at it.  I really should put my vitamins and supplements back together.  It might not be the best, but it might be better than nothing.  Later.  Actually, good night.

A bit cloudy, a bit cool.

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Not terrible things.  Proper spring weather, really, can't complain.  I actually wish I could get out in it.  It's a mild cool, enough to enhance sleepiness though.  Some days are warm enough that I have used the ac along with the fan.  The fan just isn't enough.  Those days are rare, so far.

I went to bed at somewhere between 23:00 and midnight.  I then was able to push sleep through to 5:00, give or take.  Not much, but better.  Two to four hours of sleep seems fairly common.  And my days are shorter than they should be, often nearly equaling my sleep times.  I keep pushing at that if with little luck.  The intent is there, nothing else.

I have kept my consumption of fluid and food, plus all other functions, in line with keeping me from swelling in the legs and elsewhere.  Being normal has become such a regular thing that on the rare occasion I drink a little too much a little too fast I feel a pins and needles sort of mild pain on the tops of my feet.  The inner pains, however, remain.  But that has been fairly regular for many months, probably years, now.  It has always been an on and off thing since first becoming ill.  It used to travel more, but has become regular to one spite... opposite my liver, if I have it right, on the left side of my frontal abdomen... two to three inches in.  As best I can tell.  From what I can see, it is where the small intestine is packed.  My thought is that it is merely muscular?  Just not sure.  As I lose weight, and drink less, perhaps... who knows.  Minor pain, mind you, just a usual thing.

I have a game coming in.  I am hoping it will push me beyond just sitting around.  I've been stuck for some time now.  I have been, mostly, keeping up.  Since the curtains and sheers I haven't been able to do much else.  No laundry, dishes get roughly cleaned then left to dry, no kitchen cleaning, no weeding or tree trimming... nothing, literally.  Sleeping such an odd schedule too.  Sometimes gaming stretches my days and nights back around, if too they sometimes then take those over for some period of time.

That's that.  I might, as I suggested, brew coffee for a change this morning, or make black tea but add whole whipping cream.  Both of those, unlike darjeeling, are too hard, for me, at the strength I drink them, to do without cream.  Though cream adds to viscosity, which is why I backed off coffee lately.  It was simply too thick as I drank it, might have held on to fluid too strongly.  Darjeeling doesn't do that, and I can drink it plain... no sweetener or cream, though once in a while, even so, I don't mind adding xylotol or a partial packet of crystal light, or even, a few times a month, real sugar.  Mint can be okay, more so if iced, and even more so if real sugar is used.  Southerners just get some things right.

Have a good day.  I certainly hope you get to more than I will be.  Later.

The walk between.

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Nothing.  I feel no pain or pleasure, I taste nothing like less, I just am.  I'll try to figure some things out.  For now...  I don't even know what to say.  It's been heading this way for a bit.  When I try to work out of it, eat out of it, play out of it, I just end up right back here trying to remember how I got here.  I've definitely had worse.  The music from yesterday, was it, reminded me of those times.  This is more like purgatory versus a form of hell on earth.  Denuded of good and evil, a time out to gather.  But there is no way to gather.  So this isn't the spiritual, but physical, form of a spiritual place.  I've certainly had worse, and I am all but certain I'll make it back to better before too long.

Dreamed of women last night.  There were a number of women who, when I was secular and busy, slipped my grasp.  Women who were interested, but either had real reasons to not accept my invitation, or from whom I was called away early by duty or command.  It happened, often.  In my dreams I... got another chance with them.  Yeah, that kind of dream.  I woke several times through the night, as I often do anymore.  I prayed for chastity, out loud once, unless that was a dream, or part of one, too.  I think I was awake though.  When the dreams are so real it can be difficult to parse from wakefulness, especially when just barely awake.  I was granted my prayers, if I had to use all my self-control as well.  God only helps those who help themselves.  Though, true enough, sometimes I can't or won't call, or won't follow through.

I don't know about today.  I will be checking on some business.  My schedule is all over the place.  I never know when I will be awake.  I can't plan... anything.  I do need to check things, and perhaps push to be awake at specific times.  Bleh.  No sun, and it  turned back to cool.  I am loving it, in one sense.  I fear the blazing heat.  That's always rough.  Still, if I want to get going, I suppose I am going to have to depend on that happening... whenever it does happen.  A shower already.  Perhaps some cleaning, dishes, and/or laundry.  We'll see.  Later.

You don't just... not die.

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You don't just crawl out of the grave.  You don't just live after dying.  It took ten years to get over the chills.  In and out, back and forth, yeah...  This song made a lot of sense then.  I get the chills just remembering.  Death is cold, boys and girls.  Cold like I can't even describe.

Feeling a bit better.

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My stomach often feels as if it was used in place of a punching bag.  For the last... four weeks?  More?  Something.  Why I can't speculate.  It hasn't gotten soft.  The pain is 'day old', in that it isn't as if it had been used as such a day ago, but more like three to five days... give or take.  A general band, about the size of a cumberband, around the waste, both sides and center front.  Not so rough that the area softened, just enough, actually, to make it tense even harder when bumped or such.  I've had that off and on since I have been sick, from the late 80's on.  Never have figured it out.  Not sure why it has become pervasive... started before I attempted heavier work.  Didn't get better or worse.  That and recovering from strength use and increases are pretty much what I have been dealing with the last two weeks.  On the good side, anacin does help... when I remember to take it.  Just once this week.  If I am not working hard, I generally require that I suffer.  An advantage for working hard.

This week?  Don't know.  I would really like to get back to cutting.  I'd like to hit the easiest first.  I'm not exactly sure which of the three pines that will actually be.  I do know, with the wire gone, two of them will be much easier.  More, cutting up into one may make cutting up into the other also easier.  Two of the trees are a bit too close together.  Beside enjoying the work, it's good to take a little risk now and then.  At least on your own time, in a way you see fit.  Don't let others push you into it, or push you past your own intent or will to it.  And don't have an hen out there cackling about this and that.  Damned dangerous.  Risk, as with bread, is something men need, if not all of it.  And, as we get older, there is some hope that the need will diminish.  Probably should have for me, but I slept through so many years, I now have excess reserves for my age.  *grins*

Trash, tonight.  Dishes too.  Maybe laundry.  Sleep is still really off, but I think I can figure out something for this and that.  If I don't have five hours to run three hours of work through tomorrow, maybe just a couple here then a couple there.  Same with today and tonight.  Work when I can when all else is stink over smile and spinning at a terrible pace on top of it.  No worries, these things too, if I can catch my breath and the rhythm, are quite a little pleasure too.  Who needs feet firmly planted on terra firma when there are seas, skies, and space yet to explore?  And, more, the heavens themselves.  Let loose and learn, for not all of your days should be spent in toil.  And when freedom rings, have at it!  Yes, yes, just woke.  So... have at you also!?!  Only if you disagree with right proper man-thinking.  Dames get a discount.

Later.

Rough.

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I'm not sure what is wrong.  I just know this is a tough last week.  It isn't seeming to get better.  Sleeping and being awake just hours at a time.  I am trying to push.  It's as if I am trying to kick off a pool wall only to find there is neither a wall or a foot.  I have been eating.  But just small amounts overfill me to suffering.  I haven't been drinking all that much either.  Something is simply really off.  I've been meaning to check stats and blood sugar, just haven't gotten around to it or much else.  I am keeping the girls fed, watered, letting Sam in and out.  Though I really should get the cat litter completely changed out.  I keep slacking on that.  Doing my best.

I took a shower, then headed to town for grocery shopping.  Mostly just a bit of milk, a bit of this, and that.  Fresh fruit is great to keep on hand, if possible.  Milk is a liquid meal that, technically, no one could argue with too much.  If nothing else is consumed, it offers some good things.  I am trying to figure it out.  I just can't seem to get off the bench.  At least I helped with the raking.  But it required guilt, awareness, and a bit of luck.

I'd love to climb the trees again this week.  Now I can cut what is needed to get where is needed to cut what is the actual goal in the main tree.  Hopefully I will be well enough to get into the other tree for that one, maybe two, possibly three limbs.  Then there is the other three trees I haven't even touched.  One is another pine... like both of those I have worked so far.  There are a bunch of dead branches in it, though it will really look sharp getting those out.  The last two trees are lunkers.  They literally have branches that can be two feet in diameter or more.  The base is five to six feet in diameter, roughly.  There is at least one widowmaker up one of them.  I think that can be approached from another side, relatively safely.  Lots of dead that would be good to get out, that widowmaker shouldn't be too much trouble from above, if tied in well, wisely.  Those last two tress are easier in one sense, the limbs give plenty of room for relatively easy climbing.  On the other hand, they will have to be climbed, limb to limb, by rope.  I can't just cut a limb or two off to make a path.  Rope work, and that is a whole new old gig.  So old it might as well be a new trick.

Not sure I'll be able to get to any of that.  Not sure why I am so upside down healthwise, or at least regarding energy and sleep/wakefulness.  I'll keep trying to figure things out.  Good night.

Odd readers.

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Someone sent this, regarding my recent notions, confusion.  They sent it in this form, which... well... didn't make sense.  Dame translations don't always make sense, to me.  They just can't... do... say... some things rightly.  If it had to be understood this way, then... I just won't get it.