Awake.

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It is 9:30.  It is rough.  The torso organ belt feels like I was in a fight, one of the longer desperate ones.  Recently.  I went to bed around 20:00, woke at midnight, down by 2:00, so... a lot of sleep.  The feet are a little sore, but that is a good thing.  Cuticles had rebuilt, needed chipping.  I really can't get those, and they really have to be removed.  And just the massage was so new, that I have to recover.  But, trust me, it is well worth the short-term pains.

Something else I noticed, while brushing my teeth?  I have been keeping up, shaving, showering.  I am seeing my face.  It's been for a while now.  I just noticed how much of a difference it makes.  Old, fat as I count things, but clean, perhaps healthier looking?  I might consider a haircut.  Maybe.  If swimming becomes regular, maybe.  I hate getting a good clip only to watch it fall into shaggy disrepair.  Long hair, I decided, is better.  I'll decide in a month.

Actually my knees are a bit sore.  Not damaged, and there might be a reason.  Tired, in rough feeling general shape.  I wonder how much of that is age typical?  No matter, I'll keep at things as much as possible.  Fasting blood sugar is a bit high, at 225.  Given that I have completely fallen off any sort of regular diet, and been eating poorly when I do eat, it's not bad.  As well, that is my fasting number.  It will drop after good food, or will when I get acclimated too fat burning again, if I have even fallen out.  My body WANTS to use fat, it was born to it.  It's now difficult to kick keto.

So, yeah.  Medicine, just no aspirin for a while.  I won't do bp until I have been back on meds for a week or two, back on keto and intermittent fasting, keeping housework up as is possible, maintaining the critters, getting swimming gear checked charged and loaded... then get swimming and hiking.  I may begin hiking with just water, hiking sticks, a jacket, and hat... just around town?  It would be the easiest, least expensive.

My doctor called.  One of his employees.  Offering to send a script for the last thing the V.A. had me on.  No thanks.  If you remember, on that stuff, my blood sugar was so high the meter Couldn't read it.  Then the V.A. wanted to put me on insulin on top of it.  I just stopped working with the V.A. after that.  I did get the name of the insulin I requested, and will check the price.  My guess?  It'll be beyond my immediate reach, at $1600 and change, if the change could be in the hundreds.  I'll call after this.  I might be able to save for it, maybe.  It would be a very lean year, but if possible I am pretty sure I would stop being diabetic.  In a year to as little as three months, and I would be done, especially if I could really hit keto.

Anyway.  It's a new day.  I'll do what I can.  Later.

Awake for a bit.

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Speaking with my pedicurist, I talked about famine, as a component of the end times and the four horsemen.  Out of a book, she asked.  Okay.  I... did tell her which book, if perhaps I should have just nodded.  No reason to give probably no pause for thought, just another reason to discard.

I do realize I am partially read.  Understood?  Not a chance.  I merely write to the music that pops, when it pops.  I was correct, she has a guy.  Not married yet though.  Not sure that is part of the real plan anymore though?  Still, interesting to hear how people do these days.  I am more, even now... especially now, just a ghost of some forgotten time.  Perhaps even just a romanticized version of even that.

I can't figure out why I woke?  Ah, the world is warming.  I noticed the read from the colder rooms is 60.  It is usually 54º~58º, in the days.  Yes, warming, slightly, slowly.  Still cool outside, but not cold.  Wind keeps it cool.  But longer hours of sun really begins to warm the cave.

It's strange.  Too hot and too cold at once.  My body.  I get that from time to time.  I ate enough today, if not the best food.  That may be the problem.

I hope a bit of tea, or milk, and some reading, will get me back to bed before long.  I don't know, but I would like to swim tomorrow.  It is doubtful.  But if not tomorrow (today technically), then yet this week.  A start.  Perhaps I could get my backpacks reconfigured.  Dishes and laundry are almost done, and the kitchen is close to being... well... closer.  I'd like to get those bits done, and a bit more ahead in clearing.  Mixing more cleaning with exercise next week.

How about a swim this week, a swim and hike, maybe two swims and a hike, next week, and go from there?  I sense I should push, now.  So tired.  Could you imagine a heart attack just as I am clearing?  I have some concern by how I feel.  Yea, back to meds.  If I worry about them.  Could they go from helping to hurting?  Or, actually, when does that happen?  I just don't want victory to be eaten by a foolish error.  I have no hope it would be fatal.  You have no idea how cautious some opportunities must be handled.  If delicate handling doesn't mean delicacy, necessarily.

Good night.

So tired.

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The feet were worked today.  While they were still in excellent shape, the toes and heels needed work.  Still, impressive condition.

Dishes haven't been touched, and today is done.  I put the coats in to fluff.  I think that is it.  Absolutely exhausted, if pedicures and massages beat me down.  Hmm, if swimming gets rough, I may have to investigate massages again.  No more deep tissue though, they wipe me out for too long.

Good night.

Just because you must?

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Having to do something doesn't mean doing it.  Not a problem this morning, just making a solid note.  Beside not looking down at great height, don't look back at age.

I started in on the dishes a bit late, nearing 10:30.  Half were clean, so were rinsed, dried, and put up.  The other half were initially set aside to get a shower in, then set to another sudsy soak.  Laundry was cycled.  More loads than thought, my jackets and parkas contain vast amounts of material.  A shower and shave was enjoyed.

It was all I could do, then, get to the post.  What was hoped was in.  Now I need to rest. I can reset meds while resting, perhaps fold laundry, then putting some up.  Laundry and dishes, perhaps more cleaning in the kitchen and bathroom.  Who knows what else.  Hmm, best get the critters sorted out, then rest.

Later.

Such a struggle.

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Better today than yesterday.  I didn't do anything beyond what may have been noted, aside from a partial task that hadn't been mentioned.  I dug a three foot by ten inch trench about a foot deep.  I plan on another foot deep, to bury the ducks.  I had to stop, another bloody nose.  If I didn't mention, they have been out of both nostrils.  It took many hours to get them to stop.  I have another one this morning, just one nostril, and light.  Actually not light...

I was up late roasting a pork roast.  I had difficulty getting the grill lit.  Getting late I rushed things.  I ended up with a flaming roast.  I almost just tossed it, but being tired and hungry I checked.  Not a complete charcoal.  Very juicy interior.  So I put a can of peas to heat while the roast cooled.  I lost a lot of meat, but what I had was delicious!  Amazing how heartbreak can turn to triumph.

I have reset the dishes, started laundry, set a fresh pot of tea, and turned the thermostat up.  The goal is to be awake and active by 10:00, and kick the laundry over and dishes out, then a shower and shave.  Hopefully in time to get to the post office.  Then back to finish the hole... if the nose bleed has stopped.  I believe I am going to stop daily aspirin for a bit.  It may be making me too susceptible to bleeding, while between bp and else, clotting is hampered.  At least until bp is down.  Oh, I need to start checking that.  As well, reset meds today.

I went to bed rather too late, 22:00.  Then woke at 8:00.  Still a long sleep, for whatever reason.  Better than yesterday, as mentioned.  Feeling better too.  I restarted taking medicine yesterday.  I don't know how poorly I have been taking the stuff, I just suggest it's been more hit than miss.  Sleep was quite good.

On to morning reading and waking.  Later.

Bleeding together alone.

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Most of them new.  Her?  Of two minds, at least, if true.  Who cares what she says or thinks.  It... watch what she does.  Spoiler(s)?  Sure, or doubters.  The women, some of them witches, on the sidelines... in the shadows... are the jealous kind.  It really... surprises me, what shows up in seeming reply.

An end to flight?

She is... playing a dangerous game.

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I think she is beginning to... grok.  Believe?  That comes with time.  Seeing that the Devil isn't Lucifer, and doesn't, can't, go low?  It's a start.  Now to retrieve her?

Well, I made effort.

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The goal was to be up between 4:00 and 5:00.  I was to bed twenty before eight, and crashed something awesome fast and hard... I don't remember even rolling that automatic first roll.  I set the alarm for 4:00, and had a second one at 5:00, but the latter wasn't tripped to go off.  I woke about 3:30.  Not for the day.  I knew 4:00 was too early, so switched to the 5:00 alarm.  No good.  I kept hitting the snooze until it died.  I wasn't able to wake until 9:40.  I did try.  Hmm, that was a fourteen hour sleep.  Something is wrong.

As soon as I woke, I dressed, turned the furnace up, fed and watered the ducks, reset laundry to drying, put synthetics in, gathered coats and jackets, then gathered dishes and started those to a soak.  Yeah.  Not a bad start.  I planned to have some of that going, but obviously I am pushing my body.  I haven't had a fourteen hour sleep in... other than with the flu... years.  Must have needed it.

A shave in a bit?  Maybe.  I need a bit of rest first.  I really hit it hard first thing.  Given the day, I probably hit it far too hard and fast.  Glad I kept skipping aspirin, today is the day.  Still, it is looking up.  I am amazed at the progress.  It's been three steps forward one to two back since the flu.  Lately it's been three to one, so improvement is noticeable.

Other than finishing through laundry and dishes, a shave, and perhaps sweeping and mopping the bathroom, the only other project I am absolutely pushing is getting my swim gear together.  If I have enough of it, swimming may happen Wednesday.  If no, probably Friday or Monday.  I am excited!  Actually, I might add hiking in Wednesdays.  Until I am up to swimming that day.  Though... why not both?  Then, later, add another hiking day in?  It's not monster calorie burning, but it is up and out.  Adding a pack, later on, and serious gear, would certainly stack the core workout.  Just have to take care with the knees.  Initially I will just walk, possibly with poles, but with no pack.  Water, or tea, though.  Yes.

Yes, plans.  Best get going before it gets too hot to start.  I think this is the week I planned to reorganize my packs... Thursday?  Seems like a good day.  Right now everything hurts.  Meds and aspirin down, me down for a bit.  It seems hot in here!  Crazy.  I might turn the furnace down in a bit if this keeps up.  Too hot, too cold?  Am I seeing the right docs!?!  Later.

Making my way.

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Trash is out and to the road.  One batch of dishes is complete.  The last batch is rinsing.  I will fold at least one of the last two loads of laundry. If it all gets folded, I will begin putting clothes up.  I will then shower, perhaps putting another batch of dishes to a first soapy soak.  Yeah, doing okay.  We'll see about that early sleep.  Hmm, best turn the furnace down right now.

I also refreshed water for the ducks.  I can't tell if they have great jokes, the hens are keeping the drake busy, or if the drake is keeping the hens busy.  They always seem to know I am about to peek in and quit just before I do.  But you ought to hear them carry on sometimes.  Look in and they become like innocent statues.

I was almost certain I wouldn't get this far.  At this point I am all but sure I will succeed.  Tomorrow?  The last of the dishes and laundry, a shave, possibly some fence posts in, maybe nest arrangements, and more in the kitchen and living room.  Laundry put up, if I don't finish tonight.

The rest of the week is about straightening up the rooms, and trying to stay up on dishes.  Yeah.  Trying to get back to keto, perhaps intermittent fasting, oh and medicine.  I keep falling off it.  I'll reset meds tomorrow.  I'm scavenging mixed batches, which makes staying on meds complicated, which then makes missing meds much more likely.

Later, or more likely good night.
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Almost.  Half the remaining laundry folded.  Dishes done.  A shower and dishes set to soak, then to bed right away.  A bit later than hoped, but earlier than last night, much more so given the time shift.  Ugh.  I'd best get to it.  Oh, and feed the girls.  Good night.

More changes.

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I decided I was hungry.  I didn't have anything that sounded good.  So, to town.  Nothing fancy, but it worked.  When I returned I spent some time in the vehicle.  I took out trash, and a few other items.  Jackets, a few pillows, a few other items.  I'll finish clearing it tomorrow, so I can get it cleaned before long.

Most of the trash is out, between yesterday and today, it has been going out a bag at a time.  One more bag yet to go, from working in the kitchen, then it will all go to the curb.  I need a rest, then will hit the first batch of dishes.  I think I will get all the dishes, a shower, and some or all of the laundry?  I'll have to push, which concerns me regarding cooldown time and bedtime.  I'll see how it goes.

I am getting more little things done on the side than I realized.  It does slow down the primary tasks, if they wouldn't necessarily be done correctly without the little things.  Later, or good night.

A minor change in the plan.

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The ducks and girls were tended.  Then on to dishes.  The problem was that there was no room to handle them.  So, I got to some cleaning in the kitchen.  It's a start.  As I finish dishes, I hope to finish more of the kitchen, surfaces and sweeping.  I also got the mop ready for the bathroom, plus a paired bucket.

I ran out of energy, if finished the portion planned of cleaning.  Rinse water was cool, so I reset it in one portion of dishes.  I'll dry those next work period, do more cleaning in the kitchen, then reset the last batch.  Dishes was the plan, but to do those I had to do some cleaning.

A shower after the last batch, then...  Probably resting for the day.  If I can do more, it will be folding and putting up laundry.  I am hoping to be to bed much earlier, say 16:00 to 17:00.  It might not be possible.  Sometimes, often, I can't sleep as I would wish.  Work will help, as long as I finish early enough to cool down, and turn the furnace down three to four hours in advance.  My cooldown has aspects of the physical and mental, or such.

Later.

It must have happened sometime in the night.

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The time change, that is.  I woke an quarter hour ago.  So dark.  So late.  So dark at such a late hour?  I looked out, to see what was blocking the sun, but it looked... pre-dawn?  Then, yea, gotcha.  By time, I should have been nearly able to feed the ducks.  So weird.  I honestly wished they would kill that program.  If schools and industry want such a thing, if it actually pays, let them do it.

In real time it means I was in bed at or a bit after 20:30, then up a quarter after six.  I would rather be getting to bed a bit, and waking, earlier.  Work and lessons had to be later, which pushes sleep.  Then I got a terrible nose bleed.  It took an hour or more to just stop it enough to not bleed through the best plugs I could create.  I woke around 3:??, so checked it.  It had just stopped about then.

Dishes have been reset and a timer set.  That, and a shower, are the only things I am am scratching in on my list.  If I can do more, I will.  I will shave tomorrow.  I am not as tired or cold as I have been.  If I am also still not up to speed.  Getting to sleep earlier, thus waking earlier, and doing more solid work in the day, should help.  If possible.

Have a good day.  Go to church.  Later.

More than anticipated.

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Driving.  Getting frustrated.  Trying to get off the line faster.  I'll get better.  Every opportunity helps.  Technically good enough in most situations.  Need to improve.  Got to the pool, purchased the pass, asked a few questions.  Set up for the pools, now to get my gear together.

On the way home, dinner.  I needed to eat.  Then, at home, got the ducks out.  Didn't set up actual nesting, but got them fresh bedding and water.  I explained what I want to do with fencing and nesting.  Then we worked in the living room.  Just opened it up a bit more.  I am hoping it will act as incentive for me to hit it.

I am very tired.  I really had to push.  It is bedtime.  I am hoping to hit it tomorrow.  Just dishes then a shower.  Though, perhaps, mopping in the bathroom.  Anything else would be extra.  Good night.

Hmm. Odd.

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I remembered to call.  The other pool.  They do have two daily swim times, for laps.  I didn't ask about summer... will.  Very early, later afternoon, if only Monday through Thursday.  Still, it is another option.  They are open for a while, might make it today, or Monday.  I am excited.

I would have loved to do the skiing thing as well.  It isn't much exercise, but some.  Plus skills, access to cross-country skiing, and other skills and exercises.  I've always wanted to learn to ice skate, for example.  Just to get up, and out, helps.

Driving lessons today, perhaps.  I am, mostly, improving.  So tired, it doesn't help.  I need to get up to speed faster, for when in traffic.  Hills will be tricky until they aren't.  I'll tell you, as a new stick driver, I sure regret crowding on hills.  I learned, usually, to give them room, if I could figure it out in time.  But, by mistake or being an ass, I... will deserve my lot.

Nothing else today.  Couldn't eat more than a few bites of chicken.  I'm done with food, for today?  Maybe.  Hungry, but not for good food.  I'll... think on it.

Later.

Not much.

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The plans were sound.  The fundamentals are soft.  Exhausted beyond capacity.  I have no idea why I am so tired.  It is overcast, in the low 30's outside.  I am cold, sluggish, tired... if not enough to sleep.  I have eaten chicken, olives, and a warm fatted tea.  The heat is up, it just doesn't matter.  I am having a few more drumsticks after this  post.

I think it is organs balking at doing there various jobs.  From the stomach down, it just isn't working.  The other organs are sore.  Why I can't say.  It does make activity difficult.  Oh, but I found a mistake.  The times for the closer pool?  Not a.m.  I am so used to 24 hour time that I miss the a.m./p.m. indicators unless it is somehow obvious.  I will call this afternoon to check some things.

Swimming later, if I am trying to run an early schedule, isn't the best.  It is much better to exercise earlier in my day, unless I want to push my schedule around.  Still, sometimes it just has to be as it is.  I'd better look for my swimming... waterproof... mp3 player.  That definitely helps.  It needs charged.  As well, it uses special earbuds.  I'll collect what I can find.

Later.

The gifts from the terrible.

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I wondered, even at the time.  I sensed something had changed.  A permanent change or just a momentary alteration though?  Or, maybe, just an imagining?  It truly may have been a dream.  I, personally, don't believe that.  As uncomfortable as the vision, experience, or whatever one might call it, it was one of the most intense events in my life.  How wonderful the terrible can be?

I wondered, for a time, if she was calling me home.  After some days, then weeks, passed, I then wondered the opposite.  Well, no, not damnation.  She wouldn't have visited the damned.  No.  But she might have been sent with, or for, more life.  As terrifying as the visit, as difficult to endure the heavenly, it was exquisite beyond expression.

I really, with health almost impossibly improving, wonder if she didn't bring healing... perhaps accidentally, incidentally?  The problem with the notion of healing, however, is that I don't feel better.  I wonder if their labs are false.  Perhaps the goal is to make me homeless.  Strip disability for no reason than that they can?  Repayment for blogging against their lies and tyranny.

Who knows for sure.  Then again, even if you fix the main cause, there is all the damage from thirty years of the heart being so bad.  I don't know.  If they are telling it true, though, I do suspect her visit played some roll in it.  I tell you, to this day, her visit amazes me every time I think of it.  I hope you get such an opportunity.

Ah, I must really be tired.

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I can be hard on myself.  Too hard.  When I sleep like last night, I realize my body has done everything it could and then some, and or organs and stats are off, not functioning well.  From symptoms and results, I'm saying it is some of each.  Down around 18:00, perhaps but no more than an half hour after.  Awake around 5:15?  Pretty close.  That is a very long sleep.  I'm usually at eight hours, so something(s) is (are) off.

No problem.  If I can't work, I shant.  If I can, I will work my way through.  I have reset dishes, and the laundry.  I'll get tea, then stat a fresh batch, if I think I'd rather a fatted broth first thing this morning.  Oh, when do we lose the hour, Sunday?  My main time pieces do that automatically, it's just the secondary pieces which need manual work.

I have showered four, maybe five, times this week.  As well, I have shaved twice.  I really only need to shave twice, though if I were a professional I would shave Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Need is subordinate to a public face, if three is enough.  Though lighter shaving is required.  Hmm, actually, if I could work, I could go to church, and I'd certainly shave for church.  I'd rather grow a beard, my problem is my beard isn't good.

I'll do some things this morning, then relax... hopefully nap midday, then be ready for effort this afternoon.  I'd like to work clear through, but it isn't possible.  The goal is dishes... all that are rinsing, all laundry put up, from the dryer out, plus the one load of synthetics.

Oh, I'll try the trunks I have.  Perhaps I have the right size but forgot.  I will be waiting on the goggles though, in any case... unless I can find an old pair.  They aren't current, by scripts, but would do for a day.  Yes, I really want to swim.  Probably start Mondays and Fridays, for an half hour, the first month.  Then add Wednesdays for the next month.  Finally pushing hour swims three days a week.  Finally, adding laps.  I got to a mile an hour last time, but was still improving.  Not sure if I can get to three miles an hour, but it is possible, especially on keto now again.  Yea, it works.

Yes, I'll... get some work done.  Not as much as I would like to shove through, but, given my condition and the weather if it remains dark, it will do.  I would like to take aspirin.  Since I haven't two out of the last three times I said I would, even five out of the last seven... me and my big procrastinating mouth.  :p  I actually could.  But, you know what?  Nah.  I really do hate medicine.  Later.

Ribs!

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I truly love those things.  To start, fatty beef.  Right.  Now put that on a bone only a dog or right man, and smart woman, could love.  You... haven't heard that joke, Santa?  Anyway...  Eating it, hot off the grill, is a messy job.  What man job isn't?  I also cooked the chicken drumsticks.  I ate too many ribs to eat chicken.  All good.  I wasn't sure I would, could, eat at all.  I needed food, right food, but was sick, green about the gills.

I actually feel better for it.  I really wasn't sure how that would work.  Though, to be honest, if I ate six ounces, I'd be surprised.  Just remember, fat meats are exceedingly filling.  But add in chewing it off the bone and it gets even more filling.  Toss in a portion of connective tissue as well.  Something about the raw carnal hunger being psychologically, or spiritually, fed as well as the belly.

Bedtime.  I'll put the chicken up, then sleep like the dead... living dead these days.  I am hoping to get the dishes and laundry done first thing.  Not today, but I did well for as bad as I felt.  I'll keep at things.  I made final decisions and ordered swim kit.  It is supposed to be in Tuesday.

Good night.

Something is wrong.

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Nothing else will be done today.  I feel terrible and getting worse.  One exception... I may grill ribs.  Not sure I can eat them, but I'd sure like to try.  Rotten.  I don't think I took more aspirin, but that wouldn't help what is ailing me.  The grill is going.  Ribs and chicken, it needs to be cooked.

I was surprised to find reasonably priced vision correcting goggles.  I am still contemplating which items and trunks to get.  I found cool ones, but maybe too cool for an old guy to wear?  I'm thinking.  I won't go with the bath sheets.  Too expensive.  But a group of four larger than usual bath towels, in that same hefty material, might do.  I'd love more bath sheets, but they are sold at a serious, if fair, premium.

It would be good to be swimming Monday.  Truth is, it will be more like Wednesday or Friday.  I wish these things could be found locally, easily, in the right price range and quality.  It just isn't so.  Hell, I sort of got the feeling that the help at some stores look down on me.  Makes me wonder who usually shops there.  I'm solid middle class.  Oh, right, academics are some of the most undeservedly overpaid stuffshirts you'll find.

Best check the grill.  Later.

What next?

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I don't know.  My local doc doesn't have anything by way of insulin.  I guess it's keto and intermittent fasting, plus extended fasting from time to time, along with swimming and hiking.  I haven't been eating well lately.  Travel, working to exhaustion, running around... it has lead to bad food.  I'll get back on track.  Lungs are still wet, too wet, which isn't helping.  So I upped the dose this morning.  I'll run it dry before backing down.  Which reminds me, I need to reset medsets.

I may check swimming trunks online.  My last suits were 44 then 42, I'm a 38, so... well, depending on the brand.  I may also look for vision correcting swimming goggles and towels.  Yes, towels just for swimming.  I only have four towels, good ones, for home.  It is pricey, but I will spend less than on one of the pricier jazz trunks at that other store, for all I seek.  :p

It is dark.  It has rained and snowed off and on.  I feel too warm though.  Hmm, might chase the ducks out to add the last of the hay and a bag of leaves.  Maybe that would help with laying.  I might add a few 1 x 1 lengths, drilled and screwed down, to encourage nest areas.  Oh, and put the fake eggs in, to further encourage placement and brooding.  Ugh.  Maybe pound in some fence posts?  Something.

After whatever of that is possible, then folding and putting away clothes?  Setting medicine up for sure.  I really don't feel like doing anything.  I feel rough, even with aspirin this morning.  It didn't seem to help.  Even so, I've done well and will continue with some things.  I may take more aspirin first, give it a bit.  It isn't terrible pain, just rough around every edge.  And I mean every thing that can be rough around the trim.  Tired, too.  Meh, I've definitely had worse.  Later.