No nap.

.
.
I brushed and gargled then just sat.  A few hours later it came to my attention that I  was still awake.  So I had a bit of the roast and a glass of milk.  I've been charging my phone and picking beef out of my teeth since.  So tired, so very tired.  I'd like to crash, but first feeding and watering the beasts.

It has been dark, and in the mid to low forties, if I have seen correctly.  Some sun would be good.  Oh, trash out then to the curb.  Good night.  I am thirsty though, and the phone is still charging anyway.  Not quite to bed, after this, just no more posts.  Blind with weariness.

Nearly naptime.

.
.
Ducks and girls have finally been fed and watered.  I will clean out litter shortly.  Already hit it once, first thing.  I like to hit it after their breakfast as well, then after their dinner... several hours after they eat.  Missing a time or two does happen, if the average is solidly between two and three times a day.  I probably need to change their litter more often, if it may just be a lack of outside air.  Winter and two cats is tough.

I really have improved my daily chore list.  Timing can be off, but numbers aren't.  Oh, the dental tech suggested straws, so as not to stain my teeth with tea.  I planned to use what I had, almost forgot, then realized what I had were to short.  I ordered longer steel ones, several lengths to check, and brushes to clean them.  Due in Monday.  After that I will cut brushing to three times a day.

It is naptime.  When I wake, trash and maybe recycling will go out.  I am hoping to do some dishes, get a shower taken, maybe a shave, and go through my swimming gear. With the paddle lock, I am set.  Too tired, so I will push my way in because of that, if I can.  The good thing about naps is I get a second time to use a mouthwash that is good for the gums.  Otherwise I only use it at night.  I won't use it and drink tea right away with it.

So tired.  Hmm, I wish music would...  Later.

A very late roast.

.
.
Since sleep wasn't possible, I put a chuck roast on the grill.  As well, a few red potatoes and a can of corn.  Must have been tired, I forgot to open the can.  Thankfully no explosion.  I cooled the can in running water, then used a little sledgehammer and chisel.  First to open a bit to lower steam pressure and reduce heat, then to peel enough of the lid back to get the corn out.  Rather a trick as deformed as the can became.  I doubt if any part of that operation was spec, or at all safe.  Not a recommendation, just history.

It was 4:30 and small change when I finally crawled into bed.  Fed but not stuffed.  I fell to sleep immediately.  I woke around 9:30.  Not rested, or feeling great... f actually not feeling... anything.  So strange.  Not sure why I couldn't sleep, or why I am up so early.  Odd.  Very tired.  I may nap around noon.

Teeth, tea going down, medicine in, hot tea started.  I'd like  another shower, maybe a shave.  I don't mind feeding the ducks a bit later, now that I am feeding and watering them twice most days.  Same with my ladies.  A little variability is good anyway.  I'll... set the alarm and get it done before long.  So very desperately tired.  Later.

I... sleep... oh well.

.
.
I just can't control sleep cycles currently.  I have been on the right meds, regularly.  I have been controlling temps.  I have been grooming and trying to eat well.  I have been using the alarms.  I simply can't control the outcomes.  I generally seem to require about eight hours of sleep.  Though if I work or play hard, especially over a period of days, I can need as much as twelve hours.  The real problem is getting to bed.

Here it is, 23:30.  Even having showered, done dailies, and gone shopping, and gotten back by early afternoon, I simply couldn't find a way to sleep.  I don't think this is part of that problem, but I think I am having lower blood oxygen.  And water buildup, so I am back to three water pills a day again.  I don't know what the problem(s) is (are).  I am not quite able to control my sleep cycles yet.  That part isn't new.  I will keep trying.

I received a call, from someone claiming to be Verizon.  Saying my phone was being shut off due to verification purposes.  No way I was calling the number back.  I called several people, got through to one.  Left a message for another.  I texted a third, but that went strange.  Not sure it went through.  I'll see about contacting Verizon tomorrow.  It might be a crank, or it might be that my number has actually been hacked, wouldn't be the first time, and here locally.

Well.  I can't quite go to bed yet.  A bit of soup and either a movie or... I don't know.  Good night either way.  I won't post again.

No real chance.

.
.
I heard the alarms at 3:00 and 5:00, snoozing away the morning.  I could not wake.  Oddly it was still a pleasant morning.  I don't know when I woke, if it was still dark and so cold.  So dark, so cold.  It rained all night, if memory serves and it wasn't dreaming.  The girls were wonderful.  Mostly.

I dreamed of after death.  Just the few moments God seems to give us to make sense of things.  Pleasant moments, especially if you are right with God.  There is a bit of sadness, even a touch of fear.  As... life, death, and what has become now, along with whatever the grace of faith becomes, a comfort sets in.

People are waiting.  Some, many, most, I have never met... relatives from all the way back.  Also friends and relatives who died before me.  Enemies too, I believe.  I don't recall dreaming beyond that.  I remember going somewhere, I suspect it was purgatory.  This time seemed different.  Better.

It has brought tears.  I didn't want to... wake?  I doubt if you believe, but I suspect I have decades before I get to go.  Things to do?  Perhaps just to live?  I won't begrudge the gift of this life, or it's end.  It is a suffering to see what awaits and to have to return. Spy visits to hell, if a bit unnerving, are far better.  As to not being able to return from hell?  Once.  Christ may have changed things... or some things, ones, aren't as others.  Anyway.  On the good side, such things... bolster hope, faith, charity, and more.  Like a second coat of paint, a middle layer as I go into the winter, or a hug when anger darkens a lovers face.

Ducks and girls have been tended.  I need to thaw meats, and buy bacon and avocado... plus salad makings.  I am, mostly, back to keto.  Too much artificial sweetener... can't focus in this dark, cold, and damp... which also makes fasting impossible for the nonce.  I'll keep at it.

Later.

A bit late.

.
.
Just... going to sleep... I get lost on the way.  Still, waking around 3:00 is possible, 5:00 shouldn't be bad if necessary.  Yes, I'll push for it.  I would like to improve enough to finish school.  But only if I can keep days for a year.  I would like to be able to work.  If not full time, some work.  Preferably telework, or such.

The trick might elude me.  I have been doing better, shaving, showering, brushing my teeth, taking care of the critters, very slowly getting ahead on the house.  But it is a fragile truce, disturbed easily.  I am so tired, as well, most of the time.  Still, much better.  Truth be told, when I feel better, as when I feel much worse, I worry.  I have absolutely been dead at least three times.  Right as death hits, pain(s) ease, and I become sure I will make it.  Even the chill becomes more tolerable... fading into the background.  Oh, I do know that place, that path.

So dark.

.
.
Not yet 15:00.  Dark as mentioned.  An occasional breeze, perhaps stronger, wind.  Not quite to a gust.  But the thermometer read 58°.  I didn't want to waste that.  So I opened crossways windows and doors.  I need fresh air in here.  I'll burn a bit of fuel to get it.  Just an hour.  If it gets to 64° ~ 66° and sunny for more of the day, I'll shut it all down and let the air flow.  I always worry that I smell like I own too many cats.  Next month I am going to try an automatic cat litter system.  If I like it, and the cats use it, I'll end up buying two.  I just can't always keep up.  It doesn't matter what kind of litter.

I called my mother.  I've caught her napping twice, the last two times I called.  All good.  She sounded better.  Still tired, if some of that was the nap, and similar weather.
-------

Oh, a visit.  No one can help with the call.  I expected not.  I need to drum up a recorder of some sort.  Or take notes?  Recording phone calls doesn't work the best.  The device almost has to be built for it.  There shouldn't be a legal issue if I ask ahead of time.  I really would like to record as well as taking notes.  Perhaps there is an app for that?

The temp got up to 60°.  It is nearly 16:00.  I should be able to get to bed early tonight.  Night meds already down.  Windows and doors closed up.  I should shut the furnace down, clean the litter, and see about a second feeding and or watering for the ducks and girls.  Then chill until I crash.  Doing what I can.  Good night.

Yea, well, no.

.
.
At least this time the dealer took the time to explain it.  Showing me the numbers they could offer, trying to help, giving some options.  Apparently it is my credit.  The tiff with the mortgage company didn't help.  And occasional late and very late payments on various things didn't help.

The only real option is an older used car.  I fear used cars like the plague.  I don't see it. Though maybe, if at least the fundamental mechanics could get covered with a warranty, miles are low enough.  Still I just don't see it.  They advised getting a cosigner.  I have two non-options.  One has no credit anyway, one has super credit, but we aren't that kind of family.  It was something to do.  It was a little dream for a bit.

I could afford their no-down offer, but it would be three fifths the buy price with nothing to show.  Plus insurance.  Just can't... see it.  Cash just doesn't buy credit.  The difference between can pay and the willingness to afford is vast.  I will watch my p's and q's, then try again in two or three years.

The cats and ducks were fed and watered.  It's too cool to air the house out, and dark.  Spring is just around the bend.  Sam is in some sort of hissy mood, toward the younger one.  Hmm, I may have forgotten to turn the heat up.  Sassy may be trying to snuggle.  I'll turn the heat up.

I never really got a chance to wake.  I'll do that now.  Later.

Late, late, late.

.
.
To bed late to start.  I wasn't home until nearly 21:00.  Anything after the dealership?  I don't think so, but it was such a long dreary day I can't be certain.  Past 21:00?  It was a bit after midnight before I could sleep.  With things to do, I reset the alarm to more practical hours, to ensure wakefulness.  I reset them back to 3:00 and 5:00 when I woke.  I am going to push that.

A shower first.  No need to shave.  I had thought things had changed since the Navy.  Not so much.  Shaving every other day is excessive, every third or fourth day and I  would usually pass most inspections, unless a marine gunny pulled inspection if that was more just to be a prick.  Fair enough, we took our shots when we got them.

I best feed everyone.  The tribes are getting restless.  I didn't feed and water the ducks last night, the second time.  That is a gift, not absolutely necessary, so no worry.  Teeth brushed, oh, best take meds.  It's been three weeks, more, I think, of perfect attention? I thought I had missed several doses, but after checking it was never the case.  I have started taking my medication earlier in the afternoon, that leads to sleepyhead confusion as I crash.

I best get going.  Later.

A few more things.

.
.
A call to ssa.  To check about what to bring for a visit Friday.  No visit, not a walk-in, he advised.  An appointment, either over the phone or at the office.  I figured two things... an in-office appointment would take longer and possibly involve a strip search (possibly seriously), but also no one could go with.  A phone appointment, quicker or not, would give me some chance of having a witness.  The appointment is much faster than I would have suspected.

I told them that neither people trying to help me, nor myself, were able to use their online "access".  They know.  They won't admit it, but they don't have a functional face on the web.  It is amazing that they try to get people to make the attempt, knowing we can't get in.  I would also have doubts about security, as with zerocare.  Fail.  Anyway, I guess that will, maybe, begin.  Yes, I have the records showing they "paid me" in full last year.

I also decided to shop for a car again.  I have doubts.  Costs, availability, other things.  Stick, lease, $150ish a month.  Not much else to discus.  Either it works or not.  Oh, and I sure liked the looks of some of their trucks.  If the car works out, perhaps, in time, a truck.  We will see.  I may put up my Xterra... alternate vehicles... depending on final costs and insurance.  If it works.  At least I don't pay taxes... mostly.  A fee to... get out of tax jail?  It won't change over what I am already paying, though I think I have to buy the tags, a one time thing.

No exact vehicle on their lot.  I drove automatic versions of two options.  I think both would work.  It was too late, the dealers that had the vehicles were down.  Hmm, I wonder about shaving a nickel by driving to pick it up, if it's within a thousand miles?  I'd have to take someone with, and compare delivery to travel costs.  An adventure!  Getting way ahead of myself.  I still doubt... anything, everything.  I definitely know how to walk if it doesn't work.  I am supposed to visit soon.

My brother didn't return the call.  I didn't expect it.  I don't expect it.  Next time I call I will ask if he prefers me not to call.  I am not sure he will be honest, but I'll hear it.  Yea.

I best get to bed.  Good night.

Not a bad start.

.
.
Bills.  Two still require calls.  Before the tenth and they are good.  One goes to the sixteenth, but the other would be late.  I pay them together.  I haven't started automatic payments as I am waiting on ss payments so I can pay more on my mortgage... as much as double.  Too tight currently.

I also called my brother.  He was in the shop with his youngest.  Dental?  Some such.  A short talk, he said he would call back soon.  I'd like to call him more often.  Not too often, neither of us are... actually we are both gabbers, just not with each other, or yet?  Still, a short talk is good.

Ducks were fed and watered.  I am able to open the gate... it is not frozen in now.  As well, I can keep garden hose and sprayer attached and out there.  It's a minor thing, seemingly, but really shaves time, especially feeding and watering them twice a day now.  As soon as I can get the fencing up and right, and new hay, I will chase them out and clean their hutch... shovel, spray, reset the hay, perhaps attempt to create nesting boxes.  Ugh.  Yes, cats have been fed and watered.

A meal in a bit.  Another call.  A shower and shave.  Some work in the bathroom and bedroom.  Ugh.  Or something.  It is 52, here, at noon.  Overcast.  Dark.  But warming.  Later.

Awake too late again.

.
.
It was about 22:30, give or take an half hour... actually only maybe more, definitely not before?  Probably.  I wrestled with the alarms again this morning, without causing pain.  I was awake at 7:00, this time definitely give or take a quarter.  Teeth are brushed, a bit of web browsing and music as I plot a course for the day.

It is, again, dark, cold, and wet.  A shower, a shave, some calls, ducks and girls first?  I don't know.  If I could do more work, I might sleep at a preferred time.  The goal is to wake at 3:00, give or take, but by half past.  I think I am close to being able to do that?  If I can do that I can begin trying to make the world my oyster.  Seriously.  If I can do that, best to get out of my way.

I keep trying to find the perfect medicine dispenser.  I found one I think will hold all of my meds and supplements (mostly just regular and trace vitamins and minerals at this point) for a month.  Plastic, will fail, but duct tape, judiciously applied, will probably keep it in action for years.  The one I am using now fails every four to six months.  If I like it, I will order three more.  One to have in slide alternating service, the other for spares.

Same work plan today as yesterday.  I may also see about adding chicken fencing to the big square fencing along the western and northern areas of what will be the duck yard.  I may put emergency shelters on both the south and north side, covering them with tarp.  Then train them how to tuck away through pocket doors.  Won't keep a skunk or raccoon out, but the perimeter fencing should.  As well, those creatures are nocturnal.  Their outside yard is only for parts of the day.

I best finish waking and then get going.  Later.

A shared dream.

.
.
When I first showed this vid, I suggested I had dreamed a similar vision.  I think I suggested it was before I learned of the God.

Wrestled with the alarm.

.
.
Not a bad show.  I didn't sleep until midnight, after... a quarter? half after?  I heard the alarm at 3:00, almost thought I could wake.  While debating the potential I dream debated right through that snooze group.  Still, compelled by my belief that I was >this close<, I reset the alarm to a few minutes into the future.  I road that into oblivion, as well as the set of snoozes which started at 5:00.  I rode them all to their ends, but kept thinking I should get up.  Finally, at a bit after 6:00, I did wake.  It was as good as I could do.

It was raining all night.  perhaps small hail?  The droplets were sure hitting hard if not.  I did feed and water the ducks again last night.  It looks like they may need twice a day, as often as possible.  I would guess laying regularly requires vast amounts of food.  Not a single day finds them with food left over.  Being both warmer and with longer days, added to laying, and they have become serious eaters.

I do believe another shower today.  When I miss showering for a few extra days, I get the creeps about it.  I can't get cleaner, not really, but I can wash away the ugly sense of being unclean.  Oiling two days in a row, after good scrubbings, might get rid of dry skin though.  My feet are absolutely amazing.  Still... oh, I need to set up an appointment.

I have roast leftovers, hot tea going, will make chia cereal this morning, and that is that?  Maybe.  I am cleaning and clearing little areas, slowly.  I still need to hit larger areas, more vigorously, or I'll slip behind.  The bathroom and bedroom today, if I can work through exhaustion.  Maybe.

A call.  My mother.  Just a short check.  Later my brother.  Waking first, red eyes, mumbling, stumbling, and other rare waking issues.  But all good given the givens.  I hope your day goes well.  Later.

Very late.

.
.
Driving lessons and a bit of shopping.  A shower and shave.  Got the last item needed for swimming, a lock.  As secure as size permits for what it means.  Couldn't work outside, it is raining.  Ended up just talking, and nerfing... at point blank range.  That actually stings.

Did I water the ducks?  I will check.  I am pretty sure.  I just...  I wouldn't mind hitting their bowls again anyway.  Then to bed.  I might not make it up by 3:00, but I am going to try.  If I have to push for it, all good.  I think, actually, I can.  I'll know tomorrow.  May need a nap midmorning.

The shower, driving, and company, helped.  Being cold and wet not so much.  But it will help with the asparagus and other plants.  Not seeing much.  Not harvesting asparagus this year.  Would like to can some rhubarb and maybe horseradish this year.  I'll look for recipes, keto/diabetic friendly recipes.

Several recipes to check with blood testing after eating.  I may see about local strawberries as well.  There should be enough rhubarb by then.  I have two roots, both are exploding up.  No jerusalem artichokes (aka sun chokes) up yet.  I just left most of last years crop in.  They weren't all that big... weren't watered while I was away?  

Ducks, then on to bed.  Soooo tired.  Good night.

Odd how things happen.

.
.
While crashing at 18:00, it wasn't until 19:00 that I finally could go to bed.  It was difficult to remain awake.  I have a headache this morning for it.  Too, it was impossible to get to sleep.  A brain freeze which confused, obscured, caused by the severity and speed of onset of the oblivion form of exhaustion that hit.

Still, I made it to bed early enough.  It was having a plan that allowed sleep, if later than hoped.  Without a solid plan, and probably better health, I would have just drifted into the equivalent of a psychic snowstorm.  It's been like that the last few evenings.  I am not sure how to change that.  I'll... think about it.  It is, in part, weather related.  Here it is, 6:41, and still dark as night out there... I think due to cloud cover.  While I haven't been out there, I perceive it to be cold again.

I woke at 3:00, if I played with the snooze again.  It seems the faster and/or harder I hit the bar, the faster the snooze drops.  If I do it slowly and gently, it goes off in ten minutes.  A fast hard hit on the bar and it is more like a four minute reset.  Of course, that is from a sleepyhead perception, if I think closer to truth than not.  Oh, and either way, it stops ringing after forty minutes no matter how it is used.  The goal, from now on, is no more snooze bar use.  I almost overslept.  I suppose, if I really need it... from time to time...

A shower shortly.  Fed the girls a bit ago.  It's almost 7:00, so good enough.  Tea down, more shortly, hot tea brewing.  The ducks around 8:00?  Work today.  More work on the fencing for the ducks, but house work this morning.  I have got to push.  I want things done.  Tired of being tired.  Ugh!  Later.

Down a bit early?

.
.
Perhaps.  I am so tired.  Might as well.

On the good side, it got up to 58.  Or that is what the outside thermometer read.  So I opened a few windows for a few hours.  I am sure it did, or will help.  It was too overcast for me to have enjoyed being outside, but Sam was out most of the midafternoon.

The beef roast was fantastic.  I'll put the rest up.  I overcooked it a bit, still excellent.  I have come to understand that some beef, from any season, is fantastic.  Some simply isn't.  It doesn't matter how much you spend.  Grade has something to do with it, but that can be off greatly.  As with a band and... it's cover?  Yea.

Good night.  Still setting the alarms.  I also set one for 5:00, in case I miss thee 3:00 alarm.  If I need more sleep, one extra hour is never enough.  Anyway, sleep well.

Ask?

.
.
Receive.  While it was close to freezing when I fed and watered the quackles, it is up to 52° F.  Still not warm enough to air the place out, but it is not long off.  Even with the temp up, it still feels cold.  I am setting the grill going, hoping to get roast ready for a pleasant meal.

Pretty rough.  Tired anyway.  I just can't shake it.  It is the cool.  I'll turn the furnace up.  I turned it to 66°, without worry of freezing, but that was a bit too cool.  Unless doing nothing is the plan.  Spring.  It does what it does.  As do I.  After it warms, a shower and shave.  And probably a tasty dinner right before.

I called my mom.  Such a worry inducing creature.  She sounds better.  Says she is doing better.  It's antibiotics and other things... a midsection brace I think she said?  That terrifies me, if I heard correctly.  Our causes are different, but I've tried the equivalent of a brace, albeit as a pistol belly band.  It really harms me, curtails breathing.  I can wear one, but only when in better condition.  Well, whatever works for her.  I'll check up on her in a few days.  It expresses concern, as good as chicken soup, for the soul.

I was going to call my brother.  Time just slipped.  He only likes calls, from me, in a short period around late morning.  Fair enough, but it is difficult to hit that, for me.  Tomorrow, or this week.  I do my best, which often, obviously, isn't good enough.  I keep trying.

The timer.  The grill should be ready.  Good day.

Up at a right hour.

.
.
The goal is to be awake at 3:00-ish.  I really have to be to bed before 20:00, by a goodly bit.  At 19:10 or so, that was easily good enough.  I easily heard, and could have waken immediately.  I wanted to enjoy using the snooze bar though, and stretched it out to 3:30.  I didn't fall back to sleep, just thought and signed.  A fool alone in his varied considerations.  A bittersweet event, one I encourage a few times a day.

I realize as Sam ages, she too yearns for the lost.  I think she can sense them more acutely.  She mewls so... mournfully.  Initially I tried to get her not to do it.  I realize she has no more choice than I do.  I think to, for her age, for me having breached the veil so often and returned, we see those over there.  Sense them.  Sometimes it is a comfort, sometimes a great suffering.  To see without being able to touch.  If I can't handle it, I turn up the volume.  If I can, I go lend comfort.  She has years left, I suspect she will only mewl more and more as she gets ever, inexorably, closer.

Meds down, teeth brushed... using baking soda a few times a week in an attempt to further whiten, tea being had and brewed.  A shower and shave before long.  I thought about swimming but I am not quite ready.  It's coming.  I need a paddle-lock.  Ugh.  I am feeling better.  Not necessarily doing better, if feeling better can be party to it.  Not required, always.  It just doesn't hurt the process.

It's been a great day so far.  Now to do something with the rest of it.  Later.

In brief...

.
.
Good night.

*click*