Must have dozed off.

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I don't know when.  No clue.  Not sure when I woke.  Ducks and cats have been fed and watered, teeth brushed, and fresh tea set.  But, depending on how fast or slow I am going, that all can take five minutes or an hour.  Yeah, I can go that slow.  I have no scale of time currently.  I need sunshine to... break from darkness induced spring doldrums.

I woke in glorious pain.  I had to push through it to function.  I might have screamed in agony a few times, but that would merely have exacerbated the headache.  Besides, even when extreme pain catches me off guard, I have learned suffering in absolute silence is usually best.  Rarely will those who come running be there to help.  It has all mostly passed, if a handful of aspirin along with evening medicine was gulped.

Surprisingly, I have been keeping on medication in an exemplary fashion, even through massive harsh irregular uncontrollable shifts in my sleep patterns.  Same with brushing and the critters.  Keeping up with the cats, their needs and some wants, was my first real steps out of my grave.  That is what cemented my theory that life is only truly understood through service... service to others.

With only barely a breath of a breeze of life which should be a gale it was a test, serving the girls, leaving enough to handle my basic needs.  I have almost come back to life.  With the ducks, I now have... get?... to face the elements.  I have more to do as well.  Life, success, health, what of it can be known, only derives from service.  The more pure, the higher the quality of those things created.

Christ said these things.  And I learned them, philosophically.  It wasn't until I was crippled below the civil poverty line, and have had to learn to even walk, talk, listen, hear, even see again, then try to go from there, that I have learned the physical application of that truth.

It is what is missing, often, in this world.  So many attempt to steal these things, simply becoming bankrupt by choking on me'ism.  The sad thing is, if you choose to serve simply, truly, purely, even for a cripple living enormously humbly, life is quite good.  Only a right wife could improve it, if she walks the same truth... if in the feminine way.  Love.  That.  Walk.  ; p

Oh, an auto may be in.  Right price, stick, age, with remaining factory warranty?  Mileage?  I'll be in to see it soon.  It's a Chevy, which does cause concern.  I'll... look at the specs and all.  It may do.  Or not.  It is cause for excitement.  Cautious excitement.  We will see.

Oh, I do chatter.  Good day and later.

Down right, back up as a yo~yo.

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To sleep by 12:30.  A good sleep.  I heard the lawn mower at... hmm... around 16:00?  Perhaps several hours later.  Anyway.  I often hear that or other vehicles or sounds, but rarely wake with such little sleep.  A shower, first thing.  I will have some of that pork roast soon, again.  It turned out quite good.  There is enough that I am freezing some.  That's a first.

Such creatures.

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At war?  Isn't love a form of war?  Well...

Rocking.

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Around the clock.  My schedule is spinning.  As has been the case for a while.  Weeks?  Months?  I just can't tell.  To bed slightly after noon, half past plus or minus small change.  Awake right at 21:00, surrendering a technicality.  Well rested but slightly hungry.  A massive pork roast is thawed and just waiting.  I'll start the grill after this.

I might be crushed by the dark and gloom, but I am keeping up on dailies.  I don't know if good weather will help.  Not if it goes straight to heat.  I must focus, push, shove, to get out, up, going.  I have to try to eat better, get to hiking and swimming.  I can, or will.

I am loving life, even through pain and gripes.  It isn't bad if it could be better.  I'll keep working on things.  Grill is started.  Later.

A few changes.

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Leg cramps.  Too much outflow.  Dinking too much, thus causing a cascade?  I suspect.  It might be drinking to little.  I will attempt a fix by, again lowering the water pill dose, from three to two.  It's still a high dose but I am a very big dog, twice the standard human size.  I ignored occasional cramping for a week, but it has become regular, at night (my night, near bedtime) and during sleep.

Cold, dark, wet, actually raining.  It is rather brutal.  I forgot to turn the the heat up.  Done.  So very cold.  And dark.  Damp, in the air.  Still, spring is going to arrive soon.

Nothing was thawed.  I'll put out a pork roast.  It is quite large.  Just it for now.  When half through that, I will get a small chuck and package of hindquarters out... drummies actually.  They don't offer whole hindquarters here, that I can find.  If, after a while of it, I think it's better this way.  They cook at drastically different times, thighs and drummies.  Perhaps even more so at altitude... and the continued cooking after being removed from the heat is much diminished at altitude.  No gripe, just an understanding.  I love the highlands, this isn't even a price, it's merely knowledge.  You can learn to use it as an advantage.  Cooking slower but a bit higher gets it done more quickly.

I have some sort of dry cough going on.  It feels like it is from a dry throat.  It can't be that.  However, tea can do that sometimes.  As can some spices.  I'm not sure, perhaps excess voiding is the culprit?  Another week and I will begin grousing for the problem(s) and solution(s).

Oh, the folk who are helping me out with SSA have received paperwork to fill out.  They were asked what handedness I am.  Really?  Anyway, I am surprised they were sent a packet.  Very strange.  Hmm.  I better warn them to make a copy.  The SSD loses paperwork incredibly regularly.  Or the post office guy was circular filing them?  We have a new post office guy though.  Still...

Hungry.  Nothing... well... chia cereal, or pecans or other such.  Yea.  Later.

Not sure.

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At some point after that last post... an half hour to two after... I went back to bed.  I woke... a while ago.  Well, began waking.  I am still waking.  Forgot to brush my teeth upon waking.  Yes, I want to keep them up, if possible.  I remembered to do them before bed.  There is time, after this post.  I haven't brushed fewer than three times a day since two months before going for the appointment.  I may have missed a few nights, but had brushed three other times.

A brief look outside, while watering the ducks again, and espying the weather.  The temp had risen to 48 and clouds were breaking up.  I got to see a bit of sun.  I would have stayed out a bit, I just couldn't quite handle the moist windy cool, and didn't have the energy to shower and dress more warmly.  Still, it brought a smile to my inside face...  too tired to externally express it.

Back to the game.  It forces me, if painfully, to focus.  A shower and dishes later.  More. Just that bit of sun might have... opened a door... a small one.  For while I am small?

More rain.

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Thus dark, cool, and all else that goes with it.  At least it is verdant in a way only such springs can produce.  I napped sometime around midnight to 3:00?  In that range.  The ducks and girls have had all needs tended.  I will most likely head on to bed shortly.

At 8:15 and it is still so dark.  It was just above freezing if the thermometer can be believed.  It didn't feel that cold.  Just checking in.  What am I doing?  Working on trophies for Metro Exodus.  For one of the more difficult ones, I have no saves, except for chapter ends.  I have two more longer chapters to finish.  Even on easier settings dying is easy.  And the longer chapters take hours.  Ugh.

About always seeing the glass as empty, by the way?  If it is only half full, then it IS essentially empty.  With some things it is only all or nothing.  Only a woman with no real interest, as the false mother claiming a child before Solomon, could propose halves as good enough.  Further, that wasn't really the point.  It was simply that too much was spoken that might...  If I wanted to ask, I would have.  Not the point.

Good night?  Maybe.

Her dream?

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Mine, about or through her?  I can't tell.  I told you, I can slip into people's dreams.  If it is incidental I may not know.  A song came  to mind.  Immediately and throughout.

What time was it?

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I woke at 15:30, or 13:30.  I've been awake for a... long time?  It has that sense, and yet it is only 16:00.  I was almost sure, without thinking, that it was 15:30.  Crazy.

Nothing delivered.  No snow.  Still dark, cool, and wet.  I should thaw a roast or two.  Nothing to eat tonight?  I'll look around.  If the eggs are good, boiling them might work, some of them.  On a salad would be fine.  Or fresh and warm.  Ugh.

I was sure I heard someone outside, perhaps closer.  I was sure... something had been delivered.  Nope.  I am positive it wasn't a dream.  Still, nothing.  Odd.

I called my mother.  She is sounding much better.  I had thought too many phone calls annoyed her.  Maybe not?  Still, these have mostly been health checks.

Oh, I best turn the heat up and get ready for a shower.  Definitely would enjoy one.  No shave until Monday, or Sunday.  Still painfully tired.  The sun will return.  Later.

Maybe.

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Never certain.  Perhaps she does read here.  I almost suspect so.  But to have dug so far, and specifically, back?  It may be one of my longtime readers calling me out.  Either way, I believe them to be wrong.  If, for example, she had seen me on the street before I saw her, what would she have done?  Hidden.  Be honest.  We aren't friends.  We aren't associates.  I hate it when folk deny reality, and create ire for untrue things.  No need to take it personal, nor get angry.

Someone is playing games?

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Or trying to say something.  Has been going on for days.  At least two.

I have been ignoring, for what good it does.  A few, the most recent.

Days are spinning.

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Down after 4:00.  An half hour or four hours after, though, I can't say.  Up at 15:30, give or take fifteen either way.  It's as good as memory gets.  Had to refill meds today.  I haven't set up the monthly yet.  Two of those set up will really have me good.  I'll be a lot surer to always have two to four weeks in reserve.

Raining, dark, wet, and cold.  It seems to be staying around 42°F.  At least during the day.  I dreamed it snowed a foot, more because that was how much stuck.  I went out for some reason, in the dream, and had returned and gone back to sleep.  Then, in the dream still, I woke and went to the back door to look out again.  I had left it wide open, both doors.  It wasn't cold, but how much fuel had been needlessly burned.  Though I can't call it a nightmare.  It was so beautiful out there.

Ah.  My appointment was cancelled, at primary.  Yesterday.  I remembered to call to reschedule first thing.  If it holds, I will actually get in earlier.  All good.  Either they set me up with insulin or I have to start saving.  Budget isn't kind for that, even when SSD is arriving.  Now it is murder.  Still, it's what I've got.

Today?  I don't know.  So tired.  I'll... think about it.  Good... afternoon.  Be well.

The dark noon thirty down.

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Up an half hour before the daylight noon?  If you don't run a twenty four hour time, why not have two noons?  Anyway.  Still dark and cold.  I don't remember hearing rain, but I slept so very hard I wouldn't have heard hail.  Even when I woke to use the facilities I remember nothing else.

After pedicures, and massages when I used to get them, I crash even harder than usual.  All good, it must do something for the body, I believe it to be something very good.  As mentioned, I don't, can't, relax.  These things cause a mechanical relaxation which overcomes my psychic clinging to coherent conscious attempts at absolute readiness and sobriety.  Which is why I prefer even the harsh pain of cracked ribs to the dulling yet loosing of the mind and will that pain pills create.

If too, I believe it is pain that keeps me alive often.  For now.  I may be healing past that.  If I can get in shape, which means losing another twenty to forty pounds to start... if that will require it's own pains, and ongoing pains.  There really isn't an escape from pain that doesn't require very bad choices.  Not in this life.  So grab it and use it.

I best get to dailies.  After a bit.  A couple hours to wake, then to it.  The toilet got well scrubbed yesterday.  Sweeping and mopping today, and laundry today.  I have some help arriving today to.  Best be ready.  Later.

No, not.

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Speaking with a muse can be... confusing.  The imaginings can be mixed in with the reals.  But... no.  Thankfully she has no interest, so perhaps only a mild irritation would develop.  As for my part, why not?  Speak to someone half your age.  Stop right there.  I can barely speak with men her age, and only if their sacks have dropped.  If they are terrified to fight I want nothing to do with them.  Most women her age are horrifying to speak with.  Though, in limited engagements such as this, it's usually okay.

I am sure there are women out there, her age, who might do.  She isn't one of them.  It's not a hateful thing, just an understanding.  She is on par what I would expect from a woman of her age.  I... avoid many topics with her.  Even so I realize I disturb her from time to time.  Politics, religion, anything, nothing.  Well and the age of my body.  I have no chance with her, just for that.

No problem, that is expected.  Nothing about any of that is a problem.  Typical.  It's just that things might have been said, in my exhausted stupor, that might have intimated an interest that just isn't so.  Hopefully she will be far past it next time.  Perhaps I will take my phone and play sudoku.  Just... avoid conversation from now on.  We really aren't... friends, even associates.

Training is possible, but it actually must be for the willing only.  Mostly.  And the able.

So tired.

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Still, the critters tended.  A shower and shave, then to town for the feet-cure.  I... may... one more month and then I will either quit those or go every other month.  The cuticles though... if they aren't managed, walking can hurt.  Difficult to do on my own.  I can clip my toenails, with some acrobatics, but the cuticles are very difficult.  Hmm... I may research it.

It has been dark all day.  It continues to rain off and on.  It's a handsome day, but cold, wet, and dark.  I'll have a salad in a bit.  Perhaps put a roast out for tomorrow.  Not much else.  Meds down.  It's been a very long time since I missed a dose.  A month?  At least.  It is probably going on two months, or very close.

A hike tomorrow?  Even if it is raining, I have gear.  Rain pants, waterproof shell, hiking poles, if I should dredge up a canteen, clean and fill it.  It won't be far.  Probably a quarter mile if I am lucky.  But it would be a start.  A start is where everything begins.  I suppose any time would be good.

Later.

Out of control.

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I simply can't get to bed early, or push waking early.  Being awake eighteen to twenty hours at a time, while sleeping from eight to twelve hours, there is too much both ways.  No way to stuff those sums into a twenty four hour day.  It is becoming physically painful, pulling my body apart.  Well, it feels like it.  Probably good for me somehow.

I keep getting crank "pain relief clinic" calls.  At best, legal pushers, at worst an outright scam.  Actually, I got that reversed.  Better to lose some money than to be turned into an addict.  I've quit heavy drinking... at least of alcohol... actually all alcohol drinking, as well as quit tobacco.  Some suggest tea has caffeine, but at the volumes I consume there is no effect.  Further, my heart improved while drinking gallons and gallons of the stuff a day, if countered by pills that dump the stuff to a balance.  Oh, but about the pain?  I think I need it.  It keeps me at it, for now.  I do hope to get beyond the need of pain as a life check, but will use it as needed as long as needed.  Though too, pain is humbling.  It is good for the soul, if you choose to see beyond it while in it.

The sun still hasn't been out.  It rained most of the part of the night I slept.  It rains, off and on, even yet.  Overcast, dark, damp, and that special chill only humidity can create.  No complaint.  This sort of weather has a special place in the darker nethers of the blackest parts of the dark part of my heart.  This is when few can... slip hordes, like an arrow designed to slip the tornado or hurricane to it's eye... or heart.  People don't even like looking out.  Soldiers placed out in it don't like to see.  I have said we can't make illusions, we can only help people see or not see what they would rather experience.  Sometimes the world doesn't need a hero.  Sometimes what it needs is a monster.  Thousands?  It never took that many, but had it been necessary?  Aye, and more.

Of course, for now, it merely causes increased drowsiness.  If not a terrible thing, not of much advantage either.  Perhaps what works on men also works on hunting prey?  Although, it really isn't just the weather.  It is the longer sun and warming.  Spring is the season of chaos, birth and rebirth.  It has always been a complicated season.  At least for me.

A whisper... "Doom, you talk too much...".  Me,  "Shut up already"!

Today?  One thing for sure.  I'll... see.  Later.

Up all day.

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No work.  Wasn't expecting work.  Wasn't expecting to stay awake beyond the call.  Surprised I didn't oversleep as things turned.  Yeah, all were fed, medicine taken... all of it, the first two litter cleanings and teeth brushings... perhaps more.  A final meal, for all, duck watering, a final brushing, a final litter cleaning, all yet to happen.  Little things.  Some necessary, some just as an effort for the very purpose of requiring work.

I am hoping to add functions, expand what I can do and the length of time I can work per episode and summed over the day and week.  With a major stressor completed, if the sun would come out and some warmth would return, perhaps I could hit things.  The next time I make it to town I will arrange for a dumpster for the middle of next month.  I will begin sorting things starting even now... as soon as I can work.  Ugh.

I have also set a goal of swimming at least once this week.  Maybe a short hike around town as well.  Even just ten blocks or such.  No pack, but something to drink as a starter.  Hiking poles?  Maybe.  I would like to break myself in with one of each the first week or three, then double swimming for the next month, while expanding the single hike and adding a light pack, then adding weight up to my ballbuster, maxed.  Yea.

Perhaps a shower and shave before bed.  Laundry and dishes tomorrow?  It's time for sheets to be changed again.  I did bring the trash barrel back.  I love when I do that right away, if I notice driving around that I'm not the only one who runs out of time or energy for that little thing.  Likely other little things, not all visible.

Probably good night.  I have things to do yet, hours to go.  But for posting this is it.

Sometimes there is no sense.

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No sense of anything.

Done.

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It was easier than anticipated.  No travel was good.  Memory, or lack of it, regarding medical appointments, was the only problem I had.  It didn't take very long.  It wasn't stressful.  The fellow was patient and put me at ease.  It was the same information I have sent in over and over, just updated.  I did my best.

Four to five months before I will know anything.  It is how long they take to... make some sort of decision.  If, even then, another appointment for another medical exam.  And however long after that.  Of course, no guarantee about anything.  I... will just have to keep holding my financial breath.  It's a long time.  It has been a long time.

Still, done.  I did ask about the tax form.  He believed it to be odd, will check into it.  That doesn't mean I will be informed of any results.  Still, at least that caught his attention as well.  He assured me no one is collecting my benefits.  I'll leave that at that.  Trust is earned.  Still, he seemed truthful, earnest.

Gah!  Now I can't sleep!  I suspect the exhaustion was in large part stress.  Later.

Horrible.

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I woke at 10:30.  I went to sleep at 21:00, so set the 3:00 and 5:00 alarms.  I doubted a 3:00 wake, though maybe.  I was all but sure about the 5:00 wake.  I remembered the 3:00 set, and turning it off as I knew I wasn't ready, making sure to keep the 5:00 alarm active.

I don't remember the 5:00 alarm, or snoozes if they happened.  The alarm is still on, so I am pretty sure I must have slept through it.  I had a phone appointment this morning at 9:00!  I had my phone set to give out alarms at 7:00, 8:00, and 8:40.  I hadn't heard those either?

I grabbed my phone, to see if I had been called.  Nope.  A few emails, some update requests, a few other odds and ends.  The interface on my phone seemed odd.  Everything looked tiny.  Ugh.  I went back to sleep a bit, then decided to just wake, call in, apologize, and check about another appointment.

This time, when looking at it, the phone interface was normal sized.  And it wasn't yet 6:30?  Wow.  Dirty rotten tricky nightmare.  I must admit, that was a tricky one.  The small odd interface and email notification gave it away without quite killing the effect?  Something like that.  Those things did blunt the impact a bit though.

You would have thought that would have waken me, but no.  I still couldn't wake until after 8:00.  Oh, Lordy, some days are hard to wake up into.  The furnace has been turned up.  Trash was put out last night.  Good thing too, if I wasn't dreaming... the trash truck was by at about 8:00.  Hmm, let me check.  I didn't put recycling out, only had one small bag in that huge bin.  -  No, it hasn't been collected.  However, it looks like the neighbor might have moved heavy equipment, so it may not have been a dream.

Still so brutally tired.  Even having gone to bed at 21:00, crazy.  I had to fight to be awake, am fighting still.  I would sleep to noon or later if I could.  Organs hurt, sleepy, worn, a bad day.  At least I didn't miss the call.  A bit of tea, then waiting for the call.  Later.