I told her...

.

.

Most women are crazy.  Lune.  You don't think I am, she asked.  One look sealed it.  Hmm, 82 and driving hard in ninety degree whether.  Just a wee.  Though, with her?  No, yes.  From politics to a strange insbility to see patterns.

In some ways, her drive covers a ton of ground to covering from that.  But you can't be a socialist or communist (or be against abortion(?) while voting for the only party for it) and be sane.  There is simply something wrong with someone who says they are against everything their party/religion (as I consider dems almost more of a religion at this point), yet continue to mindlessly vote for them based on... emotions?

It is why so many of their party take psychotropics.  Voting for what you are against, while waving a flag you must hate somewhere deep inside?  It... leads to... problems.  But you were on psychotropics!  Only because they refused too treat my failing organs.  That WASN'T a treatment, that was a death sentence.  I was triaged out of medical, into the fake(r) and gay(er) pseudo system.  Just... an experiiment.  Plus, when I understood, I quit the stuff and improved.  Never looked back.  Huge difference.

So, yes.  She is a loon.  Me?  I'm just so close to death I can hardly stand.  And, until my body gets used to meds, and my stats stabilize on top of sorting the affects and side effects of meds, I'm... pretty seriously lame.  Just being awake in the heat is difficult... and she keeps trying to push me to be up.

She had a booboo on the riding mower.  My two worries were that she got, or could have gotten, hurt.  Tthe mower can be fixed.  Not so easily old ladies.  Crazy or not, I am more concerned about her.

She came in crying.  Not... a good move.  Women who say they are equal, then cry when they fuck up, prove my point.  Besides, as with in the dream, I don't have that sort of sympathy.  Don't, just... don't.  I have zero fall for tears.  Just pisses me of that you are trying to play me.  Or are that emotionally unstable.  Don't.

On the good side, she didn't get hurt.  I was able to lift the riding mower off, if that heat was beastly.  It started up, and ran fine.  But we would have fixed it, good as new.  Plus, my gratitude for her work is without bounds... if I wish she would slow down.  She, her health, is vastly more valuable than some, any, work.  Will have to check the blades, hit them with the bastard file, replace if really bad.  Just a cost or effort, not a worry.

Now that we have her home, I want to... enjoy some time.  My time may be as limited as hers.  I don't mind doing some work, but I don't want to die burned out, exhausted, and so.  It would be nice to talk about the past, play a few games, enjoy some quiet meals... not sprint into tthe home stretch.

With family coming, she is trying to... do it all, at once.  We will have a place for them, good food, working facilities as is, and time to show them around.  Hopefully we can be fine hosts.  But this will never be a five star resort.  It won't even be done next fall.  So... we need to slow it, aim at what she really wants done, and understand limits.

I'm up.  So will check on water, coffee, tear boxes down, do a few this andd that things.  Took a showr before bed, but am so heated again, even with the ac.  Well, itt was making rough noises, so I shut it down, opening tthe windows.  Ugh.  Sounded like ice in there?  I have another, and can get another still, if need be.  Strange.

Later.

Way too much.

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.

She wanted to be ready for a guest, helper, today.  Starting the day before yesterday, through to three last night?  Five more like?  Work, work, work.  No doubt, much was done.  A ton was done.  Oh yes, I helped.

But, because we had worked, we weren't awake, or able to wake, in order to greet the visitor.  Not... all bad.  She keeps creating lists for other people.  No.  That's not how it works.  And wanting to hire work in, work I won't hire in, or allow to be hired in.  I can paint, in time.  Not on her timeline.  Tough.  If she has a small fortune tucked away, somehow?  Maybe.  But I would have better uses for that.

Steaks were cut this evening.  The ice held.  Skipped the chuck, as there are plenty of those cut.  Had to clear the drop-in freezer, sort what was there first.  All good.  Sorted some over to the fridge-freezer as well.  Plenty of meat for a good, long, time.  Having meat... eases her mind.

I let her know that, this fall and winter, I want to get chicken, chuck (and stew), burger, pork, and a few other meats canned.  Not a lot?  Say thirty to forty quarts of various?  For a yeaar or two backup?  More if we use that quickly?  Or so.  Just in case the freezer goes (or is unplugged by interlopers again).  Just... added food security.  Plus easy, if less tasty, meat or stew at the fast ready.

The place is truly getting better.  Improving, from floor, to drawer, to cupboard, to else.  I can only help, in limited ways.  But do fairly well.  Can lift or move almost anything.  Can figure some things out, when she can't.  Will buy what she might balk at purchasing, for price or perceived value.  She is learning that spilling a few dollars for ease of effort sometimes really pays.  I may be a spendthrift, but she is far too frugal.  I can return unneeded, incorrect, or poor purchases, she just has to suffer privation.  We... sometimes... create balance.

I was up a bit ago.  BP was really off.  First the first number was way high, the rest normal.  Then the second number was to high, the others normal.  And a third reading was wonky in odd ways.  Blood sugar was 115, not optimal but meh.

Got her coffee set up.  Brought the sun tea in, late.  Filled all the jugs, then one for tea tomorrow, finally filling the reservoir.  Had an herbal tea mix.  Set the ice machine running.

As well, put the hoses out and ran the sprinklers.  Won't, normally, going forward, nearly as often.  But things had been allowed to get dire.  Now will back off watering a bit.  I did turn the hot water off, in her bathroom.  It... Keeps an odd anomally from happening.  I turned that back on when finished.

Oh, she was going to boil eggs.  Must have crashed before.  So, I got to those.  She... way overdoes them.  I got them more done than I prefer, but good enough, I suspect, for both of us.  Peeled them, and had one.  Should work.

I also figured out the probable problem with the dishwasher.  She, most likely, was trying to run it and the washing  machine at once.  Or was using the sprayer outside, out back.  Currently that won't work.  If I suspect, even when the tankless gets installed, it still won't work with any other water draw.  Just... it demands too much water.  Can only run it at night, after watering or on nights we don't water.  Certain limits, realities.  Good, if you play nice, right.

I'm up.  Will check and do more ice, perhaps have a bite, take a shower, and have coffee?  Maybe not.  I'm beginning to not trust coffee, or cream.  May be cutting those out for a while.  Would be easy targets for someone attempting to poison.  Just... having to... rethink a few things.  Yes, seriously.  Even mother, as a serious cynic, has already seen... vast changes.  If still seeing... problems.  She... may have shadows of doubts.

Could be written off, as this or that.  But... could be just as I roughly suspect.  Ugh.  Later, or good night.

A female Yoda?

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.

Going through my things.  You don't need this!  *toss*  What is this?  It's a strap tool, for boxes, shipping.  Scrunches face, do you need, want it?  Yes!  If you don't know what it is, if it weighs a lot, if it is mechanical, has beauty or shape, or you think it might have value (or be exensive for YOU TO REPLACE) do not toss it!

I am too ill to babysit, or do it myself.  And she keeps wanting help.  I need a week or two off.  I will have to rent a placee if she can't leave me alone.  I'll give her one more chance.  I have things to do, she either short circuits things, or wears me out.  I need to do things, and will go away to get them done, if needs be.

Amazon was given a chance.  This time they delivered.  Still a few things going astray, getting lost on the way, or whatnot.  But they got a load in on fast track.  But their card payment system is broken.  Won't take paymeents, won't keep up on balances, as if their system broke, melted down.  A strange thing, for a seller to bottleneck.  Bad for business.  I am being forced to look elsewhere.  Crazy, but their loss, if my inconvenience and often slightly higher prices.  Too much higher and I just hold off buying.  Bleh 

Back to sleep.  Later.

Feeling so ill.

.

.

Worse when it warms.  Feignt, nauseous, weak.  Pulse was down to 38?  BP was slightly elevated, blood sugar was 109.  Really, all good save that pulse.  But... a symptom or cause?

I put two more carafes of water through, making coffee, running two batches of ice, and a few small things.  Didn't check dishes, I couldn't stand more than what I had done.

A few returns, and replacement orders, and a few other things.  Plans for one more larger order this next month.  For a few last tools, and powerful batteries for one of those and some of my other hungrier tools.

Having the right tools makes a vast difference.  It takes impossible tasks and makes them... easy.  Oh, she won't approve.  At least until she sees 'why'.  Though, even then, maybe not.  As mentioned, these things aren't for her to consider.  I see them as worthwhile, so will purchse them.  If they prove to be unneeded, back they will go.

Will find out soon enough.  Looking forward to that day.  Yes, I do love tools.  And working, when I can.  Good night, and blessings, again.

3:01

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.

Was it to 22:00 when I went to bed last time?  21:00?  In there.  I got cold, so had to wrap up.  The whether report I get suggests it is 69 andd falling... degrees out there.  I have doubts.  May step out, when I finish getting back up.  

A few more things to do?  More water to fill?  If I have coffee, and maybe make more ice?  May check the dishwasher, for clean to put up.  Need to clear cat litter.  Perhaps another bite.  Oh, but certainly medicine.

It souunds like the new toilet will be going in soon.  And, may see aboout help putting the filtration components in.  I would need an half or three quarter inch plywood panel in, to connect it all to, and more pex line and fittings.  Would really be nice.

Once that is up, when I can, I then need to take the kitchen faucet down, use the compressor to clear that, run the line of old sediment while the filteation wall clears new, then reinstall it.  See if that doeesn't work better.

I can't work well during the day, currently.  Just shopping about guts me.  But, maybe later in the nightt?  Like now?  My late doings don't seem to bother mom.  And... I don't up with curious cow looky-louing.  Just... some things are better done alone.  Sometimes she helps, sometimes, usually, she just... doesn't.

If that doesn't work, I'll just replace the thing.  Lovely, shiny, chrome, copper, artistic, but poorly designed, or built?  Or just way too much sediment?  Will find out in a week or two.

Sometimes, with mom here, I am remindeed of 'The Others'.  Does she know... something I don't?  Is she trying to wake me up?  Is it her,cor reality, I am resisting?  Just... sometimes... I wonder.  Am I already dead?

----------

Dreamed two shorts.  In the first one, I was in Alaska.  In the far north, on the shore, if you couldn't tell.  In a bit of a spot.  On foot, and polar bears were out.

I came across a group of feckless revelers.  A group of men and women, out stupidly drunk, partying in a place of death.

We had a brief interaction that went as expected, but didn't go absolutely disastrously.  We were just parting ways when I saw cubs.  Three.  No mama, but...  I suggested they leave well enough alone, and move along quickly.

Nope.  Drunk and stupid.  I knew I could not vacate before... it happened.  So, I found a stack of bear pelts, from a hunter, which was out and away, and crawled in to hunker down.  Hoping to be scent covered and warm enough.

Then I heard them start in on the cubs.  Play, at first.  Did someone get nipped?  It turned from play, to mean, to killing.  At least one of the cubs died an ugly death.  Then I heard what sounded like a distant, or waking, roar.  Closer, louder, fast.  Then screams, running, and snapping as if twigs.  Those weren't twigs.

It seemed to go on forever, and yet was terribly fast.  Each individual went very fast.  She wasn't there to hurt, punish, make a point.  She was exterminating in a damned hurry.  Running, fighting, hiding, didn't seem to make any difference.

She never approached me.  The scent cover was enough.  She found her cubs, alive and dead.  Grieving terribly, yet joyful with what she had.  Hours were spent, mourning, ripping the offenders, and tending her cubs... living and dead.

Finally she left.  I waited longer, but not too much longer.  The slaughter would eventually bring others in.

The... piles of butchered meat, that had been humans, was something.  I couldn't tell man from woman without looking closer than I was willing to look.  By size?  Not... even sure then.  Pounded, torn, sliced, ripped...  I had told them.  Was surprised to find two of the women alive.  They had crawled in, hidden.

When I found them, they started whimpering.  I just told them, if they kept that up, I would outpace them and leave them.  Especially since I considered them party to this mess.  When they realized I would, the noises stopped.

Still on foot, still in polar bear country, now with piles of fresh blood and meat all around, and two stupid broads in tow.  Not a good start, but could be worse.  Could be out there without  bait.

----------

In the next one, I ended up in prison?  Not connected to the last dream.  As I have it, I was railroaded.  They knew I was innocent.  Half the point.

I was put in with a new "class" of inmates, fresh recruits chronologically.  Some where frequent fliers, some of us noobs.

Right in.  Someone had a mouth and thought to check ol' Doomster.  I gave it back.  Lip for word.  Then we started circling, getting ready for it.  Me nearing sixty, him being... early to mid thirties.

I have to admit, and did out loud, that I was feeling my age.  He asked if I wanted mercy.  Not at the cost, I said.  No, we are... going to have to do this.  Closing in, looking for openings.  Then I sensed it, them.  Told him to cool it, as I backed down.  He... caught my drift.

We both backed, to our seats, and took our seats just in time as a small army of our hosts burst in, ready to rumble.  Surprised by the calm, their chief came right over to me and just grinned.  A seer?  I just nodded.  A few  of the other inmates, including my opponent, took notice.

Not sure, but... I suspect I made an unlikely friend.  He isn't a complete idiot.  And it pays to have eyes where none can see.  If it isn't always as it seems.  Sometimes I get fed what is needed to get things done, or keep them from happening.  And, if it plays to my liking, and what is right, I may play along.  Don't try to jack a real seer though.

----------

Well... on with... things.

Forgot medicine.

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I did get food.  A few slices of ham four, thin.  Plus eight slices of cheese, gouda and havarti.  Rolled together, and individual parts.  A iced vinegar tonic, then more water.  Very good.

I had to hunt and peck to find thee coffee filters.  Mother cleaned the table.  No, all good.  She set the boquet I purchased up.  Roses and another sort.  Quite a pretty half bunch though.  I've been meaning to get those.  Just a twice a month, or even every other month thing.

Then I set water running, through the filters.  Filling several jugs, including one for sun tea tomorrow.  As well, getting ice going.  Little things.  Hopefully a bit more later.  I'll check the dishwasher.

I'm not doing much.  But I think it lifts some of thee load, supports her in her efforts, and just helps her noot feel so alone in the work.  That can end up a dark place.  I do try, and get a few needs and wants tended.  And I like doing it,  try to see and do more, as possible.

Oh, nothing fancy.  Just little things that make her feel apreciated.  I'd do more, do when I can.  But... it's mostly what I can do.  Though  we keep getting out this week.  And that is killing me.  May have to go tomorrow?  Though will see if I can do it Monday.  Solo.  Blood test, for kidney doc.  May see if podiatrist wants to get an actual liver panel.  Need to call him for other things anyway.

Back down, for a bit.  Back up in a while?  Maybe.  Make sure all water and the reservoir is good, fill the ice tray(s), and possibly run another ice batch.  Ah, and take night meds, perhaps check bo and blood sugar?  Have a warm chamomile and other herb tea?  Life is good, if it can bee kept simple enough.  With some pleasure, effort, eveen pains to remind that joys are gifts, not grants.

Good night again.

That heat just kills.

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I was able to tolerate a lot more last summer?  But maybe not.  I was staying indoors.  I wasn't being waken in the middle of my sleep, and yes, sometimes I sleep long hours.  And I wasn't being asked to do heavier work, or nearly as frequently.  Though too, I wasn't in a medicinal reset mode.  That, all by itself, can be nearly fatal.  Crushing, grinding, at least.

We made it to grocery stores today.  I upgraded my costco membership, just to be allowed in an hour earlier.  As things stand, that alone is worth it to me.  Cooler in the early.

I bought enough meat for me to go back on a mostly meat diet.  From now on, I will cook and eat for myself, mostly.  Eating when I need, as I do.  She has to get used to eating more solo, especially if she wants odds and ends.

There is always extra.  I (almost) never eat a whole steak.  Though, whether she wants me to cut and cook a portion, or cook it all, will be up to her.  My steak would be underdone for her, if that leaves room for reheating without ruining it.  For steak.  But for chuck and pork roast, we do well, agreeing with it's doneness.

While buying my chuck roll and ribeye roast, I realized we didn't bring a cooler.  So I bought one.  Before I could say two words, she jumped me.  I corrected that immediately.  It was the third or fourth bitchy episode today.  A, we aren't married.  B, my money is just that.  C, she didn't give me a chance to explain.  D, just no.  Even my wife won't be allowed that, without solid correcting.

And, no, it's none of your business either.  Other than that I solidly corrected, starting from the first nag this morning.  More gently, until it was in with both boots, and without allowances the last time.

Don't, as a guest, think you have say in my life, or that I will tolerate nagging, bitching, or such.  If... you want any input whatsoever, wait until I have fully explained something.  Then, after hearing, actually listening, then?  Then you may ask something, politely.  You simply don't have say nor I tolerance for jumping me, about anything.

Either that or you will be completely excluded from processes, thoughts, considerations, and will get what you get.  No, not hating, just... there are absolute limits to certain behaviors.  I can handle a quip, in the heat, or a bad day.  But I will correct, directly, fully, without mercy if need be.  And I will never appologize.  If you wish to stop talking to me?  Okay.  I can go minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, without talking.  I do that standing on my hands.  You can try holding your breath too.  All good.  *rictus grins*

Anyway... set up for food, for a bit.  I need to cut and package.  The roasts are still sealed, in the cooler, with ice.  I may head down shotrtly.  Though, not to cut even yet.  A shower, medicine, maybe cold cuts and cheese slices, plus a vinegar tonic, then lots of water.  Ugh.  So hot, even after sleeping.

I'll cool off, feed lightly, hydrate, then get back to bed.  Waking in the cool of the night to cut the roasts into more usable portions.  Two steaks will be left out.  Oh, and she just thinks I'll cut half the ribeyes for her.  A, no.  She wiill only eat a steak a week, a thin one.  I know her.  I will eat one or two.  So no half and half thin/thick.  If she isn't careful, I won't share at all.  Seriously, that's some gall.  Ugh.  Later.

Late, I work when I can.

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Water jugs refilled.  Coffee set up for mom.  Kefir changed out, and kefir cottage cheese draining.  Having a late night coffee myself, as well as kefir and medicine.

Blood sugar was 136.  Not perfect, but for a guy whose numbers can reach 600-650, or higher?  Okay.  BP was 142/95.  It runs higher later in the chronological day, but that was before meds and isn't a number I would lightly reject.

Still woozie, a slightly upset stomach, over heated, tired, exhausted, getting sleepy, achy and just pinched all about.  Will finish some of my coffee, then shower.  Oh, I opened windows a bit.  Mom isn't keen on that, I think she is starting to realize that we do get visitors.  

They don't visit as often, but may take anything.  Even something seemingly useless as a used blood glucose monitor.  Or just move it to where you can't find it, wouldn't have cause to look.  I like the idea, of not opening the windows, and making sure all is locked.  But that isn't how they get in.  If I could figure that out, it would be golden.

Now, she... acknowledges, begrudgingly, quietly.  To me.  But she would deny it to otthers.  For one, never can be sure who the thieves are, or might be related to.  As well, admitting a weakness or flaw increases risks.  Plus, she simply doesn't like the realization.

So... I will crack the windows, for fresh cool air.  Knowing they B&E in the deep winter, with everything shut just as damn tight as possible.  I want that air, and what of the cool I can get.

A shower tonight, and in the morning.  Mother tried to tell me not to wash my hair twice in a row.  I made it clear, slightly gently, that I will do as I quite see fit.  Thank you for your concern, but we are beyond those types of instructions.   Besides, my hair is finally doing splendid.  I almost wonder if someone was poisoning my food or water.  May still be, just no where near as often.  And I have switched some things.  Possibly right in the medicine?  Dunno, doing vastly better, in many ways.  Sure, high summer stutters.  But that's... expected.  And not the worst I have known.

Urhm, YES!  A shower, then more sleep.  Good night.  Blessings.

Up, for a bit.

.

.

A bit of conversation.  She had breakfast.  I'm sticking with coffee.  I sprayed the wasp nests, that I could find, last night.  She saw one first thing this morning.  So I checked.  The nests I hit, hit hard, twice each, are dead.  I'll keep looking.

We got her knee strap set up, in hopes she could use the riding mower today.  I was sure there was plenty of gas in the machine, as I filled it when I got it.  But, since she asked?  And I was sure it was full?  I checked.  It... needed gas?  See, that is how I do, these days.

This time I got it to fire immediately?  Okay.  I showed her some of the tricks, but not the safety overrides... not quite yet.  She had trouble starting it each  time.   I wasn't about to say a word... after my troubles.  Just glad I knew how to do it, and usually spotted her error, choke last time.

She got better, then started solving the problems without hints.  She wanted to mow the acreage.  But, too, I think she wanted to drive just a bit, in a safe place, with a safe vehicle.

I made sure all doors are unlocked, so she won't get locked out.  And if she needs in, it is convenient, for any cause.  I think she is enjoying greatly.  It is far too hot out there for me, for any length of time.  Already got nauseeous from the heat, just tthat bit, even this early.  And feel strained, a little crushed.  Bad.

But I was able to get her set up and going.  

Meds down.  Blood sugar was a bit high.  Overdid the sweetener in the chia cereal, if I had to guess.  BP is excellent, though, at 132/82, with an 89 pulse... before meds!  Very nice.

Anyway.  Looks like I need, gladly, to be up for a bit longer.  Will... rest, sleep,cwhen I can.  Later.

Up again.

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.

Mom called, while I was finishing the last post.  Trouble with the water?  In the shower?

Not happy.  Had hoped to go back to sleep.  Still, I finished, cutting it much shorter than intended.

Well?  I checked outdoors, and the valves involved.  No.  It was the faucet for the overhead shower head.  It was just turned off.  It would be easy to be short with her.  Especially when pulled from needed sleep for such a simple user error.  Easy, but I won't go there.

She works very hard.  She plugs away on this and that.  Even if she gets things wrong, needs help on little and big things, and asks... questions from exhaustion?  I am okay with these things.  I really don't have to try all that hard, at being kind.

I am just glad I was able to help.  So she was able to get a shower.  I checked her tea, and since she was low, filled her night tumbler.  I stayed to talk.  I know she is a bit lonely, her and Sassy.  At least they have each other.  ;p  Have to see about getting her in, to the senior center, when we get things more arranged here in the house.  I try to visit, especially on days I can't work.

So, yes.  I make solid efforts at helping.  And not being angry even, especially, when that could be considered reasonable.  As I may have suggested, from the thoughts of a favored saint nun, God has asked for something from my poverty.  In this case, humility.  The virtue I believe I was left here to... pursue.  Still poor in it, but working on it.  At least I recognize opportunities.

Plus, she can be so pitiable.  Not for age, or health, but because she tries so hard and gets so tired.  Giving her the blessings of a saint isn't always too difficult.  She has swum so far out from shore, given everything she has, to the point she can barely talk or stand.  I know she feels bad.  I try to help her know she should be proud of the gifts she offers.

Can't be angry.

I went down for a bit.  But woke up after a short run.  Ice needed filled, water needed filtered, two jugs were set up for tea tomorrow.  Her coffee needed set up, except water?  I nearly overfilled, not realizing she or I had already partly filled that reservoir.  

I also sprayed what ended up being two very full wasp nests, while it was dark, so they didn't attack.  Must have been twenty to thirty, most in the higher nest.  Ugh.

I also made chia seed 'cereal', with cream.  It was okay.  A reasonable bit of food.  And took night meds.  All good.

Good night.

Quite the dream.

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Before I start, I should... explain?  Add a prelude?  While it was quite the dream, it wasn't as it might seem.  It was... biomechanical, rather than erotic.  Not that I am immune to the senses, merely that this time, that wasn't what the dream was about, for me.

While I was with a woman.  And we were engaged in sex.  It was more as if tracking the various senations.  More of an engineering or acual detached scientific exploration.  Feeling her hair in my hands, her hip, or thigh, or of course sex itself. 

I could only sense just so much.  So while holding a butt cheek, I might not simultaneously feel her breast on my chest, or her lips kissing mine.  Sensory limits.

While exploring tthe various sensations, I was changing size.  From the size I was my first time, at four and a half years old, until the last time I was with a woman.  Checking variations of input allowances and sensitivity capacities, at my various sizes.

Then, I was able to sense the female sides of the equations.

In time, I completely biologically mapped out the two bodies, variations, limits to sensitivities and number of inputs at once.  Not... erotic.  But not inhuman, either.  Beautiful.  Like painting roses.  Or painted roses.  No texture, or scent, but the essence.

Imagine mapping sex, fully, for yourself and a right lover.  It will exist at least as long as I live.  One of my finest dreams, certainly of this sort.  The biological components of erotic, and relationship right love, painted into my mind and on my body?  Or... something wonderful like that.

Had it last night.  Just finally... decided to share it.

Women!

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.

She doesn't realize the questions she asks.  No, not all... bad.  However, when she gets a bit heated, tired, she can really go sideways.  "What is this?".  What?  "This!", while looking straight at me, while in the kitchen, but asking about something unseen, out in the back yard, or driveway.  I just... grumble and move along.  I may or may not answer, after sorting the nature of the question for five minutes (or not), especially when she gets into continuous ask and guesss mode.

I try not to get too short.  I can tell she is just exhausted, but trying to make sense of a fading world.  I go through it myself.  I just, usually, don't involve others.  I simply spin down as I try to regain or maintain a grip... until I realize nothing will make sense until after I cool, and more than likely sleep, too.  My brain can't function.  She... can't see it.  But for 82, she really does pretty well most of the time.

She asked if I have gotten to my room.  Cleaned and sorted.  I told her absolutely not.  What she has been having me do has been all I could do.  Then what, she asked, have I been doing up here for eight hour stretches?  Sleeping!  I told her.  Sometimes just resting, but mostly sleeping.  No choice.

She keeps not understanding and I keep telling her there isn't a choice.  Fact is, I'll be taking this and, most likely, next week off.  From her, and most of my plans.  I can do very small things.  But in this heat, at my health, on these meds, not much.  No choice.

I've rested a bit.  A package is in, so I may get that, and more water or tea.  It is overcast, so slightly cooler, or I couldn't.  But... that'll be that.  Maybe a body shower, then back to bed.

She is working herself too much as well.  I can't make her back off.  But I can and do advise it.  I definitely try to make sure she knows I appreciate her work.  But that... she needs to take care of herself too.

The place, inside and out, definitely looks better.  I am hoping, in a week or two, to pitch in more.  If it begins cooling.  I can't do much, inside or out, when it's in the 90s out there (mid 70s inside).  I can live, but more rest, sleep, until it cools.

On to the post.  Then back to resting or sleeping... maybe a shower.  Later or good night.

Down the stairs.

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It took longer than anticipated.  Did I fall back to sleep for a bit?  I gave Sassy attention.  Did I just get lost in annointing her with affection?  It is amazing how much time I can find myself gifting her.  I don't mind at all, if I have it to offer.  Same with mom, if, when, possible.  Spend life kindly, or waste it?

Coffee, a few boiled eggs, and the last bratwurst.  After checking blood sugar and bp.  Blood sugar was moderately okay, at 131 fasting.  Not great, but... okay.  BP was... a mixed weird bag, at 171/80, with a pulse of 78?  Very odd.  The high is lower than recent highs, by ten points, but forty points higher than recent lows.  The low is right at recent lows, as is the pulse.  I must have forgotten meds?  Was going to take it, must not have?  Took it after checking.

Making more water.  Or filtering it, really.  When it is done, I'll fill the reservoir.  There are two and a half, half gallon jugs, of tea in the fridge.  And ice containers are mostly full.  So not much else to do.  After coffee, I will get a vinegar, electrolyte, carbonated water going.  Oh, and see if coffee is set up for mom, to just start in the morning.

Feeling so weak.  Standing, walking, even just sitting, is a strain.  Stupid, I hate that.  Mom talked me into more painpills.  Wouldn't have gotten out without them.  So there was that.  But, as I told her, I can't (usually) take them more than once every four or five days.  With kidneys and liver functions in the mid to low teens, I have too be very judicious in applications.  I just have to suffer.  It's down to suffering or dying.  She doesn't understand, until it horrifies her.  Then she "forgets", changes the subject, reverts to safer topics.  I'm used to traveling right beside the abyss.  I am as much a part of it as it is a part of me, now.  Most... try not to see death, the abyss, eternity.  I'm used to it.

While I see it, know it, understand, what I don't like is feeling it.  That... exhaustion, fever, chills in spite of the fever, falling down inside sensation, and other... death effects?  I really don't like that.  It's like strong, severe even, shock.  If you have ever sensed it.  It's what is plaguing me lately.  Nausea, those other things, and other symptoms beyond, at times.

Still, I'll struggle on, or die.  No worries.  When you have come this far, life and death are both kind gifts... and old, worn, friends.  Later, or good night, again, really.

Slept well.

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Not sure when I went to bed.  20:00?  21:00?  Iced tea, a shower, then down.  The only thing I did before sleeping was opening the windows.  We had a storm, said to be dry, moving in.  A fire warning for tomorrow from it, being dry and electrical.

Still, it was helping cool our town, so opening up early seemed good.  I was in such bad shape though, that I couldn't do more.  Still a bit rough.  Waking at two, a bit before.  I'll get a water, red wine vinegar, and electrolyte hydration mix going.  Maybe extra water, possibly tea, going in as well.

Still feeling slightly fevered, but not as bad as before.  Still feeling a bit ill in the stomach.  Dehydration?  A summer bug?  Heat stress?  Or the effects of medication as it begins to work.  A good thing, just with up front costs?

BP is exceptional, or was.  I don't mind paying a bit of a price.  Especially knowing it will most likely improve.  Pretty soon... weeks to months if that is the problem.  It or the heat, both have a week or four before clearing, even if a combination.  Probably.  Well, and it is high summer, and I have pushed.  Even if it may not seem as if I am doing much?  For high summer season, I have done what would have killed me another year.

Still having problems with amazon.  They are saying I have a large excess on balance, while saying I have zero credit, as they refuse to accept payments from an account which definitely has a positive balance.  On top of a bunch of returns, and added cash inflows as my mother pays for what she bought, by checks.  Not getting refusals, so...  Very strange.

Ugh.  Later.  Or good night again.

Going down.

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Can barely walk.  Mom wants me to walk, only on water.  I could barely keep my eyes open, or stand in the shower.  I did get the shower taken.  But just.  I all but crawled up the stairs.  I had an iced tea, in an attempt to cool before that.  It helped me make it to the shower.

Washed the body, and hair.  Cooled off.  That was it.  Dreaming already.  Two dreams, no idea what the were about.  If I think one of them was about vampires?

Good night.  So absolutely crushingly weak and tired.

Brutal.

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To town.  Returns to amazon.  A visit to sort mom's medical.  Then letting her shop.  I am failing, quickly.  I think she hoped to go to the grocery store, but no.  I think I am done.

No work when we get home, for me.  I am weak, ill  failing.  I took a shower before heading out.  I may shower when I get home, more to cool off.  I am absolutely baking.  Feeling ill, slightly nauseous, even before I started over heating.  Medicine, iced water, a shower, and sleep.

I have the vehicle going, with ac running.  It's as good as I can do.  Just hanging on.  Wanted to tke her through the car wash, just won't have it in me.  Later, or good night, again.

Annoyingly annoyed?

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I am having trouble sleeping tonight.  A few hours here, then there.  Waking feeling tired, weary, even sleepy.  Just not enough of any of those to get back to sleep.  I am sore, my heart is, from needing sleep, wanting it, and pushing and pulling so hard and long.

When I wake, I... try to find... peace of mind, calm, attempt to create a restful state of being.  My eyes tear up from want of rest.  Not pain, more an ache for sleep, even for rest.  Oh well.

As well, dreaming.  Stupid girl dreams.  I suposse what teen women dream of, well... barring that.  Everything but that.  Shopping, conversations, learning to understand the parts of life which are usually left to them... or were when the world knew and accepted the differences.  Things, quite frankly, I have little interest in.  Domestic details, social norms, expectations, social climbing, and such.  As if in a young lady's boarding and etiquette school.

Three, four, and that after the blanket party one.  Which, too, was for training, and pecking order lessons, among other things.  I had never really considered that side of things.  Would rather not now.  No choicee, dreams are what they are.  We are sometimes simply subject to them.  Though... it... is interesting, to some degree.  Like being a fly on the wall, only with actual inputs, in circles I could never have been.  And, honestly, seems legit, not male centric.  Bleh...  Or, bleh, sometimes.  Very strange.

Something about an upcoming sweet sixteen, a few years off?  Do they still do those, or more only debutantes?  I almost wonder if I was receiving, as a psychic might.  But why would they pick on me?  *chuckles*

Anyway.  I'll try to get back to sleep.  Not much I can do about dreams.  Good night, again.

Thud?

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Not the sound of someone falling.  No, a door shutting?  It was two, two thirty.  Woke me.  So, after a bit of thought, I deecided to go see.  Perhaps my mom was getting a bite?  She has her own bathroom, so wouldn't leave for that.  Though she might have closed her bedroom door, or the en suite door.

I also worried that it was an unwelcome visitor.

By the time  I got down there, notthing was stirring.  Doors, I think, were all shut and locked (outside doors).  Her door was still ajar, but I didn't check in her room.  Could have been a door, somewhere, closing witth breeze our are dfferential pressure.

I was down fairly quickly.  Didn't sense... danger, sneaky sounds or sensations, or else.  But one can never be certain.  On back to bed.  I do like that I wake to sounds.  Annoying, but... I want to know, hear.

Good night again.  God speed, pleasant dreams, and fine sleep, work, play, love, or whatnot in it's right time and place.  Amen.

How very odd.

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I could have sworn it would be much later.  Reading this post, looking over that blog, checking on this or that item ordered or in the queue.  Listening to a group of  songs.  On and on.

It was 23:30 when I went back to bed.  I thought it had to be two, maybe three, in the morning?  No, just turning nearly forty after midnight.  I am exhausted though.  Even having rested to mid morning, then from very early afternoon until 21:00 (ish).  Tired enough that it slightly hurts.

Even so, connecting with sleep is proving difficult.  If wake dreaming about an overnight party with some sisters and girlfriends.  No, not as exciting as it might sound, and yet very much so, from the mind of a female.  Social connections, learning and teaching those odd things in life, plus just laughing and... such.  Boys are stupid?  ;p  Trying to make sense of things with a little help from friends, family, in a safer way?  Though women are meaner, if being mean is... nicer than certain other options which may not seem mean?

Dreams have been everywhere, all the time.  Crossing strange borders, challenging norms, happening while awake and asleep.  Strange, but wonderful.  I understand them.  Even enjoy them.  Strange, no nightmares.  If I even enjoy those, mostly.  Well, I did have a disfavored toenail color, at the overnighter.  Which was a bit uncomfortable.  But I was forgiven by the it girl, so.  Women!  

Good night.

A few things.

.

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Just a few.  Things mom just can't do.  I can, if currently just.  I really am fried.  One or all problems, meds, extended efforts, strenuous efforts, that it is high summer, and that medication is acually finally working which has a large effect on my systems.  Some or all, but it's been a really good run.  Falling a bit makes sense, is fair.

Still, okay.  If I really am hoping to get a second, or tenth, wind.

I had planned to get back to town Wednesday.  But needs suggest earlier.  Trash and recycling collected and out.  A meal.  I haven't been eating much for a few days.  Thought I would really dig in.  Planned on it.  I got half through the first course and that was that.  Even so, it is wonderful to feel absolutely stuffed on good food, and not much of it.

Just a bit of work tomorrow.  I may remain mostly down for a day to two weeks yet.  But hope to at least do filler chores, jobs mom can't quite do, but I can.  Not the big jobs, for a while.  Well, and some work up here, too.  Light.  Sorting.  Setting up more storage.  Ziptying the older storage, getting it put together better.  As well as making the newer storage more sturdy from the start.  Then organizing even better.  But... slowly, between helping mom, other tasks, rest, and extra sleep as needed.

Dreaming of dreaming, even while awake.  I've pulled a few neurons, am seeing stars from a sort of exhaustion shock.  Pulling too many psychic z's?  It's a bit rough.  Getting slightly better.  Good night.