Better.

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Sleeping with shoes on is an odd thing.  As a general rule, I haven't done it since I was in the service and either was working extra long hours, days even, with more shifts, duties, or watches incoming.  Or was somewhere I prefered to be ready.  Not comfortable, but now or back then, it wasn't a comfort thing.  Just as when they had us not wear shoes, on subs.  When we were trying to be ultra quiet.  Yes, we did that.

I couldn't wear them the whole time I slept.  It was becoming too painful.  I had to decide whether to try to wake, or take my shoes off and hope my foot didn't spasm into malformations again.  Couln't really wake, so I took the chance, removed the shoes, and went on back to bed.

Awake, to help mom.

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She wanted to be awake by a certain time.  I happened to be awake in time to check on her.  She was awake?  Or, when I opened my door, it woke her up.  In any case, I did that, with my seeming club foot.

I just started gaming.  But my foot was cramping, again... de- or malforming.  Twisting.  So, painful as it was, I put on shoes.  They look like tennis shoes, sneakers, but they are steel toed with a steel shamk.  Keen's.  They... fortify the foot.  Hold it in shape, tighten well, for compression.

A stitch in time.

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Or in the side.  It is finally, mostly, gone.  Replacing it?  The foot pain has returned.  Was it the foot cramps which caused foot damage?  While gaming, have I wrenched my foot?  Bits of both?  Or did someone hurt me, while I slept?  I sometimes do wonder.  As hard as I sleep, it is possible.  The dropsies is a terrible affliction.  Leaves a man completely vulnerable, and the world is cruel and corrupt.  Are they seeing if I am dead, or just being cruel, if that is the case?

The brutality of the pain makes me lame, or again, if in a new way.  My right foot (thankfully just one foot, this time) is swollen in the joint, and throughout the foot, making it like walking on a bloody ballon, rather than a foot.  With the knuckle seemingly displaced.  And a constant ache to it, with added pain for weight bearing, or even moving.  Maybe wearing shoes, to compress against the swelling, and preventing it from twisting, deforming, with or into cramps, might help.  As agony goes, it's winderous, splendid, glorious.  This too, a gift to my Lord... in commiseration at the little cross I am allowed to bear.  And, to be spent as He may, for whomever may gain from it.  Even just in spirit.  Amen.

Awake.

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Trash day.  I need to move the bin out.  And brush my teeth, possibly shave.  Perhaps get some water in, game just a bit, and such.  But to get back to bed before too long.  A shower too?  Late, but maybe.  Every two to three days is best.  Daily is great, but... drying... terribly drying.

Hmm, I'll even, possibly, feed the girls.  At least check on them.  Jasmine is mostly an outdoor girl as weather has warmed.  She prefers that to the cage.  If I can ever get up here sorted, secure from dog chewing, I may allow her up here.  Or, at least when I am awake for a bit.

Mostly better.

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Still with the stitch in the side.  It isn't as bad, if oddly constant rather than intermittent.  I prefer the milder pain, even if regular.  Surprised it remains though.  It does wear me down.

Temps were climbing.  Into the mid 80s.  Then it cooled off down into the 60s.  Which is adding to a need to sleep.  Fragile.  Too hot, cold, too fast, too long, or even fast changes, and I hit a wall.  If you love to sleep, and can survive doing so?  You would love my life.

I think I figured it out.

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The pain.  Though, possibly, it was two things combined.

The lessor additive issue is experimenting with resistant starches.  The goal is to better feed various bacteria et. al. in the lower intestines.  To do this, eating a small amount (think half a cup to a cup) of pasta, beans, or potatoes... cooked, then cooled.  You can reheat those, but don't eat them freshly cooked.  As well, raw potatoes, if you can handle those.

A busier day?

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Yes.  Gaming is helping me be awake more often.  As such, mom can ask for things.  I don't always agree to help, if I can't I don't.  And, not always when she wants something done.  "Now" isn't always possible.  A half hour from now?  Allows me to gather myself, finish whatever I am doing, or be in a physical state, or rest from else, in order to help or do.  She is learning patiences pays better than harrassment.  Harrass and I just go back to bed.  Not in anger, in exhaustion.

I grilled a chicken today.  It did come out very well.  I grilled (smoked, and the chicken too, really or rather) a portion of a btisket the other day.  Both came out pretty good.  A smoked meat, with enough for leftovers, twice month?  More often, with the oven ooc.

BP is being odd.

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For a long time, while taking the maximum blood pressure medicine, bp was remaining high.  Then I started checking bp four times a day.  Before taking medicine, and an hour after.  Trying to take medicine in the morning and evening.  Failing that, taking it in what passes for those, for me.

BP started, slowly, dropping.  Then quickly.  Then too much.  I had to titrate down, quickly.  Going from 12.5 mg twice a day to 6.25 twice a day.  After two days I had to half that.  And, now, my bp is so low I can't take those meds!  Or, not always.  I can't say why.  Though, if I am not careful, and take a dose, or half dose when my bp is good, say 120/80, but certainly lower, I can crash, hard.

A new record.

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If numbers can be believed?  Over 502,000 visitors this last month.  I'm not a believer.  I am a chuckler, so I chuckle.  I ought to see how much the clickfarms charge for that many visits.  Just to see what someone is paying to attempt to trick the (non-existant) ego of a ghost.

I'd recommend they not do that.  Put the money into a pro-life group.  This one in particular is my favored.  If... what I suggest is true?  You'd do my soul a square.  My ego, mind, and body are good with solitude.  Just... a thought... prayer... request.

Finally, some work.

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It is warming.  Perhaps too much.  I may have to push to get ac's installed.  Electrical is still in the works.  Then tankless water heaters.  Then I'll have to get a fresh quote on heating and ac.  So... this fall or next spring?  Maybe.

Still, the warmth is easier to manage than the cold.  I sleep better, in the cool and cold.  But waking becomes a serious problem.  And, yes, working is easier in the warm to even hot temps.  Up to a point.  Too hot and I can't sleep.  At 75 F up here, sleeping is becoming a bit difficult.  Not impossible yet.  But I will need that ac, for reasonable sleep, before it hits 80.

Pain is back.

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About a year ago, I stopped hurting.  Did better, for about six months... or so.  For about thirty five years, to then, I had been in constant pain.  Exhaustive pain, adding to simple exhaustion, doubling or tripling the effects.  Now, while pain ended, exhaustion remained.

The last six months, pain has returned.  Exhaustion has increased with it.  That, exhaustion, had never left.  But, with pain gone, it was simpler, easier to ignore... sometimes.  With pain returning, complete exhaustion is now pretty much complete.

Too many problems.

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Applying for specific other V.A. benfits.  They require online access, video capacity, and other tech to which I don't have access.  Just signing up to my healthy vet, requires joining some id program, which is proving impossible on my smart phone.  I thought these programs were for disabled vets?  What about having access and functionability on modern tech does disability make sense for?

The program isn't likely to be offered.  Not sure it is worth the hassle.  And, yet, it could be very helpful.  Difficult to not try, even if somewhat unlikely.

Creative?

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So it has been suggested.  No longer in the old ways.

Logging dreams used to be done manually.  Is dream journaling actually creative?  Or, more, expressive?  I'm declaring both, mildly.  Interpretation, however, is creative.  If with pattern recognition and so logic, if too, both more mild forms?

I stopped logging those.  I do put some small forms of the ones I don't mind sharing on this blog.  The others I keep to myself.  Keeps some things out of the wrong hands, minds.  Much cannot be shared, even if just dreams.  If... there is any such thing?  Not sure what that really is, or for some of us.

Definitely cold.

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I had two windows open last night.  It got seriously cold, windy, and if not wet at least moist.  Precipitation in the air, if not actually falling.  I about froze before I could shake awake enough to realize the problem and close the closest window.  For the longest time, I just shivered, and burrowed ever deeper into blankets and the duvet.  Gratefully, I did wake and solve the problem.  Almost surprised I didn't get frostbite... seriously.

Up this morning.  Had to get trash and recycling out.  As well, put Jasmine out.  Just for a bit.  It was still frigid, the air seemed moist, and the wind was yet wicked.  So I just put her out for long enough to do whatever function seemed good, then brought her back in.  She actually did want back in, so was easy to sort.

They bet.

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They bet it all.

Someone believed a whole lot of things that just aren't true.  Or... so I write.  I am betting they will lose it all.  If, too, I think they believe they have those bet losses hedged.  That is where I think they will lose not just their shirts, but their pants too.

Boys, and men, will always want games.  As well, of course, the computers, consoles, handhelds, or other platforms upon which to play those games.  They believed they could make those poison, toxic, repulsive even, at every stage, in every way, from price to invasiveness, to... false difficulty and gay.

Not as linear as it appears.

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Looking at the Iran thing, head on?  Nobody likes it.  It definitely doesn't help the little guy, anywhere.  It is mostly an Israeli problem, and genuinely of their own making.  Supporting the US left, democrats and else, is supporting nukes in Iran, money to hezbollah, and the rest.  Though, to some degree, even the secular right is that way.  Still, it's mostly the left and Israel who have fed that system.

Anyway.  So, when Trump enjoined there I was, and remain, displeased.

Tricks, tracks, and rhythm.

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Way too many things on my plate.  A few slim things done.  Plans and ideas haunt my sleeping and waking hours... even those... moments... seemingly interminal periods of indeterminate time when I can't be certain if I am awake or asleep, or neither in some off odd form of reality... or both?  No rest for the wicked?  If true, even less so for those who attempt life in light.  Though, at least with the light?  The suffering is a grace, rather than simple misery.  Or... so I believe.  As I personally understand things.

Recently, I had an appointment.  With the kidney clinic.  Apparently the V.A. allotment had lapsed.  Which means, without fast arrangements, I may be charged.  Their office moved.  And, in there, something was missed.  Or they sent something to me, that I didn't understand, respond correctly, or such?

I keep hoping for improvements.

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Exhausted, right down to the cellular level.  Muscles burn, as if exhausted via vigorous exercise much of the time.  Sometimes having done very little, sometimes from doing nothing at all.

Strangely, I can stack and store several hundred pounds of, say, bags of sand and top soil.  While that exhausts me, that often exhausts me less than I sometimes getting doing nothing, or much less work.  It's as if, at times, randomly, my cells can't get enough oxygen, or energy, so that they struggle to survive.  But that has nothing to do with exertion.  Organ failure?  Metabolic failure at some or several levels?

Running solo for a bit.

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Mother is off to a wedding.  A short stay, this time.  Five days, with travel, or so.  Which means I have to feed and water critters, and myself.  As well, I am doing a few other things, plus daily chores.  Trash is out today.  Not recycling.  If it is recycle day, there isn't enough to bother with.

I refreshed kefir, from scratch, recently.  Then turned that today.  I also cleaned the ice machine and one of the ice buckets, and am running several batches of vinegared water through. I also let the ice bucket soak in vinegar water, rinse soaked it in plain water, then did a final rinse and dried it.  It smells much more neutral again.  Was getting that freezer smell.

Rough?

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Still needing a lot of sleep.  Stress, the weather... it goes from warm to cool to cold, back up, then cold and with health being... off.  BP keeps staying high, even with taking medication, and extra.  I don't understand.  Then again, if mother wasn't here, I would go without food for days, weeks, possibly longer.  And I'd sleep clean through days to weeks, often without medication.  Only drinking water every few days to weekly.  Almost literal hibernation.

Perhaps there are times when the only thing that helps is sleep, well and rest.  While I sleep a lot, I do spend some of that downtime awake but doing nothing... thinking, daydreaming, sensing.  Still, mostly, sleeping for eighteen to thirty six hours, waking for food and water, or very minor chores, and medicine, every eight to twelve hours, for an hour or two.  Waking, every eighteen to thirty six hours for four to maybe pushing eight hours, before I crash again.