Today is a big day.

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I need to complete a number of tasks today. All related to the house. Well, house for now, home to be. I need to go through a pile of paperwork, signing, dating, or putting my initials in, where I missed when filling out my initial application. What might reasonably be called slashing the t's and dotting the i's. As well, I need to get information to the lender regarding my DD-214. I believe they will be able to download and print it. I will be receiving a copy in the mail soon, but that is mine and how long that will take to actually arrive is anyone's guess. Since I have the capacity to download it, I believe I will be able to share that information and get this done.

While I was up, still not sleeping days, I was able to cook a large pot of beans and a large chunk of ham. It came out quite nice. I made a large mistake though, soaking way too many beans. I was only able to cook half of them so as to include the ham. I will have to put what is cooked in a container, along with the ham, and then cook the last half of the beans. At least it will give me something to do while I try to stay up to complete the other tasks on my list.

All the work, to date, seems to be taking forever. And yet, and in some other aspect of reality, it seems to be going so very fast. The juxtaposed notion of time and placement is almost nauseating. It is through this nether that all must pass, at some points in their life. No matter how many support us up to these points, in them we are all alone and naked. So be it. I do fear, I do not, however, allow that fear to defeat me. Even weakened and on my knees, I bow to none but God. I have found the power in weakness. It the stability of the frozen. Only being shattered can undo that and I am less fragile in my frozen state than most.

The time is nearing to be a land and home owner. I fear it, I do. Like fatherhood, manhood, civility, and war, the prices, rewards, complications, and such cannot be foreseen. It is a new frontier.

My friend and myself went to Clash of the Titans the other night. Actually, I enjoyed it immensely! Further, there seem to be some decent (if quite fictionalized) combat movies coming out which I might be able to stomach. I have no bother watching the horrors of war and battle and fighting, I only find horror in the indignant manner in which Hollywood often downrates our men, our cause, and our purpose. They spit in our faces, often, like the stinking hippies of the 70's. And, should I ever have the power, I would destroy them all, down to the last camera man. Anyway... Something I came away from watching the movie was that we each lead epic lives. Things we have done, people we have known, contests we have involved ourselves in... From birth to death we have struggled with others, with the world, with ourselves, and even with God! We cannot win, we will die. We each know this. And yet we struggle on in relentless pursuit of some higher calling, order, way.

Just some thoughts...

It could happen.

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I just finished applying for my DD-214. A couple hours later, java script running on my machine (somehow, with some twisting, turning, and updating as it was required to even order my DD-214), and a hundred and a quarter dollars shy, the task is as done as I can do it. My agent submitted a work order to the owners, which they can refuse in whole or part. There were some minor (and to my mind, major) issues with the electrical. I have offered a proposition to my agent, which he has tried to reject outright but instead has put on hold until we hear back from the current owners. We should be receiving something back from them by 5 pm today. Lord what a job getting into debt is.

Everything is moving forward, in a limping staggering messy fashion. And I am trying to stay on task. Actually, for the condition I am in, for what is going on around me, and for all else, I am doing well. Tucked in here in my great big shell, I am emotionally quite settled. I am more perturbed that the little secret of my failings is being exposed more than that things are problematic because of my failings. I am used to being ill, and merely take note, share that when and if it is needed, and go on my merry way. I do feel a little bad for those trying to help. I do, though, feel that they are on-board, and at least seem sympathetic. I do not second guess things anymore, like the depth or reality of what I sense. It is too much work to doubt more than what I already doubt!

No, it is fine. I am fine. The project will either work or it will not. I will be moving into my own house soon or I will be finding an apartment. That is that. It is in God's hands in any case, and He and the way He has developed do have purpose. Let it be. Let that purpose be and live through it. Trust me, you can survive anything... even death.

Be well my fellow world warriors. The world is out to kill you, and it will, but not today. Probably.

Still trying!

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Okay, beat upon and spat at, but I keep chugging away. Well, okay, not beat upon. Oh, and, perhaps not spat at either. But, that is not the point!

I am doing what I can. I am still flagging and needing help, and to some degree getting it. At least as far as buying the house goes. I still need to apply for my DD-214. Why I am having such difficulty doing so, I cannot tell. Tomorrow folks, tomorrow. The bid, as I said, has been accepted. The inspection will happen this Wednesday, and I will need to be there to speak with him after he finishes his work. Which I will do. I might take my friend along so we can go shooting afterward. Two birds with one shot, that is how I like it. Lazy or efficient, call me what you will. It is good when it works. Otherwise, not. :p

I did dishes earlier today, put in a load of laundry and will be reloading laundry and unloading the dishwasher. Taking out the trash will be one of my last tasks today. The trash and recycling have been things I have been keeping up on, thankfully. Oh, mopped the bathroom floor again today and gave it a second whack. I will do it one more time, and downstairs, then use a regular cleaner, rinse, and then put on some wax. The mopping finish will be done tomorrow. The rest will be done tonight.

I am still not right, and it is brutal to push through, but I think I can get to it. Fighting from way down is much more difficult than fighting from simple lethargy.

I have plans for my house. First thing, as I have said, is gardening. I will probably keep it simple this year. A few rows for various vegetables, tomatoes, and cucumbers. Depending on how it goes, next year I will expand the garden. My mother should be able to help me stock up on canning needs, make a plan for canning tomatoes, and give gardening advice, along with helping me set up house. I should have her write notes on how to do things, as a reference.

As well, late last week, I asked the neighbor lady out. She was a bit taken aback, but not really. Women are funny that way. She was either surprised I did what she wanted or did not want me to do. *laughing* Yeah, that is how I think the mind of women works. I think... As well, I asked about another woman. I was told she had a boyfriend. I asked if it was serious. I do not think the woman I was discussing this with liked my query. Still, I will know more if I happen to bump into her before long. Bah! If he is not going to marry her, unless she is not looking for that, then she is open game in my book. Not that I would marry either of these women, but there is no reason not to enjoy some female companionship. Who knows though. These women types will sneak up on you!

Well, that is my life in a tidy little snapshot. Tough but tenderizing as I write. Be well!

Here is the deal...

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I have not been lazy on purpose. They have increased my medicine beyond the point of my being able to function without increasing the ritalin. Now, I carried on as well as I could. I tried this and that to get beyond it, and that only after realizing, again, my life had become a train wreck. So, realizing after a couple of weeks or more that I was off the tracks and I think the engine had even stopped, and then fighting for the last week or two to right things, I realized there was no way to salvage the situation on my own. So, I place a call to my doc's office, suggested this situation was untenable, and asked that she add more ritalin. Of course, I am already in socialized medicine, as you soon will be. (Cannot say I did not warn you all, on many occasions). So, I get a message back from one of her flunkies. He says she says no. She says if I control my diabetes, I will feel better.

Ok, fuck her. First, I have not been eating or drinking sugar since I went back on medicine. Second, I have not been eating more than 20 ounces of food a day, often less, because I am incapacitated. Fuck her and diabetes. Pardon the French, or do not, not my call. Anyway, diabetes could not be playing a role in this. I thought about flushing the medicine and just walking away, again. Instead, I have decided to cut back the medicine to the point I could take it with the amount of ritalin I am allowed here, and that will have to do. Going back to soda would be foolish, and that little amount was working on the high blood pressure to some extent. I could still function in a minor fashion and it was better than simply consuming soda and waiting for a quick and harsh lesson in life or death.

Now, to hope I can get back on track with things in a day or two. I hope the fog lifts quickly enough that I can get on track with some of the housing business at hand. This is quite frustrating. I hope those who voted for the cock suckers who just gave you the same medical care I receive enjoy it every bit as much as I do. If so, at least your version will be eradicated as fast as the next election.

Good day.

Perhaps no one will be happy, perhaps it is all good?

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They have been increasing my blood pressure medicine while I have been fighting through that as best as I am able. I am working on the home loan, have been looking at properties, doing a few other things, all while trying to maintain some kind of personal life of interest and value. It has been a tightrope. Of course, I have been listening to advice, looking at what is and was available in housing, and somewhat worrying about that. My work is nearly done though, on some things.

I have placed a bid and it has been accepted. I have some time to back out, and the bid is based on a good inspection and appraisal. The house and property, as of the most recent appraisal, is valued at $154,000. The asking was $127,000 plus closing costs. I bid $122,000 plus they pay closing costs. They countered and I countered again. The agreed is $125,000 and they pay closing costs. I will have, assuming all things go through, 1.25 acres (currently under agreement for alfalfa (I believe) crop with a neighbor (that contract ends at my taking of the property, of course). But, until I figure out everything, I will probably maintain that deal. I still have plenty of room for a beginning garden, and (Lord helping) will make use of that land this very spring.

The city, town really, of between 500 and 600 people, does have cable. I am not sure of water. I am secure about the house (depending on inspection of course, but just from a very serious review, speaking with the current owners, and some other things). There is work to be done, but nothing serious, demanding, or fundamental (which is great by me). Little projects, some costs but worthy ones, and of course some elbow grease (though light). If all goes well, the turnover date is set at April 23!

I am sorry, but that is as good as I could do in the time and with the money available. I have been looking for something more rural since I moved here. Nothing in my price range, even stretching it a goodly sum, has been on the market (here in Utah or in Idaho). This is at least equal to anything I have seen on the market. Further, I know the town just a bit. I have driven through it and stopped in it frequently, as it is on the path to the area my friend and myself most usually go to shoot. It is a mere 2 to 3 miles from the range I use.

As I said, given my available cash, the time frames included, and the other factors involved, this is as good as I could have done. And, it is almost done. Scary? Yes. Overwhelming? Of course. But avoiding stepping in and doing what one wants because of fear is not the way. So, I tread in and find out. Who knows, but I will have my own little place very soon... with a spread... a garden... and maybe by next year, goats and a horse? We shall see!

I looked.

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Instead of twelve places, there were only nine to view. The three not included are manufactured houses, which V.A. loans do not include. One of them included nearly 5 acres, if it looked very rough as well. I have an strong interest in one of the houses I viewed, and a milder interest in two others. The main of the strongly interesting house was rock construction, which drew me in. The inside is quite nice and the basement is reasonable for the purposes I have in mind. It has a garage with enough room for a decent work space. And there is enough room for a visitor or two, easily and comfortably. It is in a town, a very small one albeit. None of the properties were, exactly, rural. All of them were in towns, or collections of houses equivalent to small towns.

As well, an acre is not as much land as I had thought. The land on the house I am looking at most closely is clear and in good shape. A horse would work there well, though I would need to build up the fencing most likely, and build a shelter. Neither of which is too difficult, if expense would come into play. There were two other homes of interest. One, the next favored, with a fantastic view and close proximity to the mountains, would be a bit of work. The house is in decent shape, if just a bit rough. But the land would need a lot of work to get it in shape for a horse or anything really. It would be mostly manual labor, and a lot of it, but the work would be one time only. The last of the three best choices is on shortsale, which would make for a long purchase. There is already a bid in, so I probably will not mess with that. It was the newest home I looked at, and looks new. Newer houses are so... regular. What they offer in brute space they lose in character and charm.

I did not really know the prices of the houses while I was choosing and looking. I did not want that to interfere with my choice, one way or the other. Oddly, price did not really indicate what I liked, as it turns out. My favorite house is being offered at $127,000. The more expensive houses, at $159,000, were of no interest to me at all. I am seriously thinking about placing a bid of $122K and sellers pay closing on that house, where price is negotiable but closing costs are not, and seeing where that will get me (depending on a rigorous inspection of that house). It may not be in the country, but a country house is simply not available. This town is, I would guess, around 600 people and around 8 to 10 square blocks. It is about 20 miles from Logan, should I find my way back to school.

It is a very nice home, with a basement, garage, workspaces, upstairs, and a good deal of character. I think it has 2 bathrooms, 3 to 4 bedrooms, and decent storage and closet space. The land is ready to use. And it is about as rural as it gets. The house itself is quite charming, interesting, and comfortable feeling. It was built in 1883, though there have been additions. I really think I am going to speak with my broker tomorrow and see where we should go from here. A few questions, the planning of an inspection along with a bid discussion, perhaps another visit to specifically look at things, and then onward from there, I think. I want to look at it again, and really look at some things and ask some questions. What type of heating and cooling does it use (and take a look at utility bills from when it was lived in regularly), look at the rooms and spaces more closely while attempting to disregard my general good feel for the place, questions about different things which might become a cost sooner or later (how new is the roofing, furnace, and whatever).

When I returned home, I tried to find the email my broker had send which included the properties, to look over some of the details. I simply could not find it.

I was absolutely exhausted. Perhaps that is why I could not find the email. I took a nap, intending on sleeping for about 2 hours. I set the alarm to that end. I do remember waking to the alarm, using the snooze to try and revive, and failing. I 'napped' from about 14:00 until 20:00. I had to drag myself out of bed even then. And at 23:30, I am ready for bed again. Zapped. Tomorrow I need to get to the V.A. in Ogden, the clinic, and let the do a check-up and blood draw. No food after midnight, so I best get a bit to eat before I go to bed. After visiting the V.A. tomorrow or Friday, I will take a week off. I have been pushing very hard.

Doing what I can, I tell ya. That is all I can do. I must admit, I wish some of my people lived a little closer, so I could take them on a tour of the house as well and discuss some of this a bit. Then again, both are women and with very different tastes and interests. Still, that is not always a bad thing. They might come up with questions or thoughts, or at least ring a bell that got me to think about something I wanted or needed to ask. Oh well, I think I will do fine as is.

Good night.

A big day!

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Today is the day. I will be looking at houses. I may see as many as all twelve available. Then, the decision among them or to exclude any of them. I suspect I will narrow my search to two or three, then begin working price while waiting for a few more to choose from if I cannot get what I want. But who knows. I may see the exact house, get the right price negotiated quickly, and be looking at a time to move in before the day is done. I doubt it, but I have learned to rarely say never.

I stopped saying never say never as that defeats the saying. I have always wondered if that off manner of saying that was a bit of levity on the part of whoever made that up or whether they just were not thinking and people enjoy the irony of it or were also a bit slow so kept saying it. At least rolling stones gathers no moss makes sense if it might not be true? I suppose it might depend on if it is rolling in water or on dry land? I am no biologist though, I cannot be sure.

I think I am running out of energy. After today, I am going to take some time off. I have been, considering everything, burning the candle from both sides. Cleaning, cooking, business affairs, getting out for this and that, and such. I will continue with the house, but I am zapped. I am getting confused, messing things up, and missing appointments somehow. Yesterday's appointment was not in Ogden. It was not medical. I was supposed to see optometry. Luckily, I had a question and called the clinic. When they called back with an answer, they asked why I had called since I missed my fasting appointment and optometry was not doing a blood draw. Well, at least we got a bit of a chuckle out of the debacle. And, I did make it that extra hour drive to SLC, and on time. When I got home, I checked the cards. Of course they were right. Why or how I missed it I cannot be sure, other than that I am overdoing and getting confused. I had two cards. I read half of one and half of the other and cleanly missed that there were even two separate appointments. Even if my bad times, I did not get that confused (if I would simply fail to read the cards to begin with).

As I said, the house will continue to be cleaned, but I will have to back things off a bit otherwise. A week of semi-down time is needed. Perhaps less, I will just have to see. Still, what I have done is very good. Even just cleaning the house and stocking the larder will be much more than I have been doing and will be wonderful in itself. And, if I can at all get to it, push-ups and set-ups in the morning and evening might begin. Just a few, 10 of each perhaps, to start with and for a good 2 weeks to a month. Low doses, I have to do everything slowly.

I am back in the game, I have simply been playing too hard. I am jealous of many of you. You can, and do. Then again, if it were not for you, I would not have anything to set standards by. Jealously, like greed, are technically bad things. But without them, applied in the right way, nothing would advance, nothing would be done, and we would sit in our socialist stew merely hating without hope. So do not worry about my jealousy, I need it! And, it is as healthy of a jealousy as I can make it.

Be well!

Bit by bit, now in larger bits.

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I viewed the houses available, in my price range, and sent an email to the broker. When I leave for my appointment later today, I will leave a little early so that I may send the loan package through the mail. I have swept the house, mopped parts of it, taken the rugs out shaken them and they are airing outside. I am washing some of the rugs though too. When the kitchen floor dries, I will finish the dishes. I ate a bit late and was feeling rather exhausted, so I let the dishes "rest" for the night. I cannot eat this morning, I have a fasting appointment. You would know, the one morning I cannot eat, I feel a dire urge to do so. Ha!

I honestly cannot believe how well I am doing. No, this is still not optimal. Leaving the house, doing many chores at once, and some other things will still put me down. Getting put down, now, however, only lasts a few hours to a day. I also realize I cannot multi-task. If I am making calls, I cannot clean. If I am cleaning, business and fun outdoor activities become limited. As well, how long I work is still rather limited. After the big ski trip this year, I am sure I can do more. Then again, that made me sore and cranky, bodily, for a couple of weeks. I still have real limits. I can push those, and further, but there will be a price. I need to open that up a bit. When I find the time to set business aside for a bit, I will begin working out however I may with what is available. I am guessing that set-ups and push-ups are a simple way to start, walking after those are back online and if I still have excess energy or want or ability. At that point, I will begin trying to expand my horizons by adding calculus study in, making my hours and days more of a multi-task training period.

I have noticed that my writing has become much more bland. I think it is because I do have limits, and I am riding right up to, and often a little or a lot past, those and so have little left over for creativity and such. As well, being busy, my mind is not ruminating as much about this topic or that subject. It is doing what it can. It will improve as I 'grow into myself' again. Bland updates, task tracking information for myself, and just the act of blogging itself is what I have for now. Apologies...

Have a great day!

Getting close.

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A load of laundry was completed yesterday. More cooking was done today, I needed more beans for the meat. Last week I looked at freezer to fridge to oven bowls, and a few chef knives (I am addicted to cooking wares, by the way). I called about my V.A. check today, to get that posting here. I called about my DD-214, hoping to have some news regarding that for the loan broker. I had no luck, so I discussed that with him. He said to go ahead and send what I have, they do not need the DD-214 immediately. Well, I am doing what I can. Oh, cleaned the bathroom a bit today. I would call it more prep cleaning than the actual deed, but it was needed.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor's office. I will not be seeing her, just a checkup with her staff. Right! It is a fasting appointment. So I will have to keep that in mind. I am glad I am tallying my projects here. So much yet to do, but I have been burning through my list. I still have a long and growing list, but that is as it should be. It is good to know though, that when I can, I do. That always worries me. Worrying if I might actually just be lazy. Nope. Mostly. :p

Now to check finances. I could not log into my account in Iowa today, the site was down or for some other reason, my browser would not connect. I will be trying a few times today and tomorrow. Barring connecting, I will call them tomorrow afternoon or Wednesday.

No time for much play yet, but that is coming. I need to get out hiking and fishing. I think snow is pretty much done here, so no more skiing. Hmmm, I wonder just how cold that water is. I might have to find a nice quiet little pool and find out. Ha! No, it will not kill me. For as bad of shape as I am and have been in, I am fit as an iron fiddle. Weird but I love it.

Be well.

I have been busy and well.

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Saturday was shooting day. I am improving, slowly. Still, it is not all about hitting the target. Getting out of the house, talking to someone, and of course just the pleasure of sending a few hot ones down the way. The drive and being outside are also very good. And, usually, a meal. As I get better though, rather than eating out, I am cooking myself. Lobster and some sort of large crab legs were on the menu, along with a baked potato and beer. About once a month is all I can take of that though. Well, perhaps twice? The lobster tail are quite sweet, and only about $6 each. Two is quite enough, from now on. Now that I clean up quickly afterward, I will probably do a good deal more entertaining... How good it is.

In spite of just having had company over yesterday, I did so again today. I had beans I needed to use up and thought a ham would work perfectly for that. But there was a bit much to eat on my own, so I asked my friend to find his way here. I did not realize the buses do not run on Sunday, so I went and fetched him. It was a quick quiet affair. The meal was quite nice, neither of us is used to home cooked foods. Him because he just does not do that, me because I have been ill. Beyond, I plan on having spaghetti dinner this Thursday. But this time I will be asking some other people over. I have already asked regular friend over, I just have to contact a few others.

On the way back, after giving my friend a ride home, I grabbed some cleaning supplies. The kitchen is now at 70% spic and span, the rest of the house needs a good deal of attention. The bathrooms first. My main one is in very poor shape, poor thing. The other is pretty good, but it is good to give it a once over while I am at it. Laundry is being kept up, dishes are being kept up, and business is being tended as I remember and get to it. I am still a bit sluggish, to my mind. I do, however, see the finish line. That finish line is the beginning, not the end, however. That finish line is where everyone else starts, I have been quite behind.

Life is looking good again, very good.

Another day out.

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"Gone shooting." I need a sign with that on it. Of course, no one ever visits, so whatever. It looks to rain, snow, or something tomorrow while today is sunny and almost 50 F. So, it is back to the range. One box of .45's and I think I will be taking my .22 pistol this time as well. Perhaps it will help me get back into pistol usage just as well, less expensively, and without worrying about brass. I feel downright foolish missing as often as I do. At 50 to 60 yards, I should not miss a pop can, let alone bottle, more than a few times a magazine, and then usually only when I get silly. And that is discussing the 13 round magazines. This last summer, I rarely missed even with the .357, it with a 2" barrel.

Of course, dinner after. Though I might talk my shooting partner into lobster here at my place. Two tails cost about $10, some baked potatoes cost little, and frozen broccoli or something is pretty cheap too. Plus, I could do double duty and buy the rest of items on my grocery list. I like doing double duty, cooking and eating rightly, and doing so on the cheap. Odd how little a home cooked meal costs, how much better it is from quality to taste to the freshness of ingredients. The main costs being time, clean up, and serving one's self. But I am on those last now, my kitchen is nice and clean dishes, pots, and pans are plentiful!

Well, I best be going. Time is running out, I said I would be there at 13:00, so, gotta go. Have a great day!

The spirit is willing...

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As they say, but the flesh is weak. It will take some time to get the body back into shape. I can do well on small things for short periods, but an afternoon of anything, or a morning full of calls and business, wear me right out. I see my doctor the 9th. I have been considering asking her about physical therapy of some sort. It would need to be as local as possible, but it could really help. When the body does almost nothing for months, flexibility, strength, and endurance disappear. Those things are necessary for simple life, and least life as most people know it. Just some thoughts.

I am very tired this evening. I am getting ready to hit it and hard. Good night!

Not too bad.

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I got busy today. I checked on the medicine, it was sent two days ago. Check. I made contact with my buyer broker, he is sending out new leads to the email account to which I have access and we will begin looking at houses next week. Check. I called my loan pre-approval agent. I did not reach him and he has not called back yet. I did let him know I was having difficulties knowing how to obtain my DD 214 (discharge papers). That is as much as I can do. Check. I made my car payment over the phone. Check. And finally I took care of a major worry. I realized I must be fairly late on my storage fees. I kept fearing that I had lost everything (you know how not knowing for sure how far behind you are when you realize you are behind but have been too... out of it... to think straight for a while?). I was two months behind, and had late fees for that. I explained my condition and difficulties, in apology. She went ahead and halved my late fees! I then paid for another six months plus the late fees. Now I have no worries until this July. Expensive, no doubt, but worth the loss of worry and there is a discount. That, if luck holds, will easily see me into my new house, perhaps with a rebate if I can move quickly and early. Check.

I still have things to do, but I ran out of nerve, energy, and will. Monday will be the day to move on getting my Social Security and V.A. checks directed to my local bank, check on two other bills, and attempt to contact the mortgage center agent again. Not bad, really, just not too bad. Calling and doing business is often a fearful thing, while I am in a funk or even while coming out of one. There is something strange about actually interacting with the world and people and money and all. That should improve. Actually, it already has. I would not have been able to do this a week ago. It only has not been done sooner because it takes time to get to things, and just having a few things at home taken care of first was primal.

I did make a wonderful meal with some of the beans I had recently cooked and some brots I had recently bought, thawed, and cooked. I had half a brot by itself, wonderful it was! But heating the beans with some of the brots in some of the cooking juice from the beans to make a mild soup, then adding a quarter cup of whole whipping cream and a little salt. Fantastic is all I can say. Plus, keeping up on dishes. Oh, and when I cook a large portion now, I feel no need to overeat. I have containers, the owners containers, which go from freezer or fridge to oven and back. So I have been eating well, the right amounts, having leftovers, and doing very well in this regard, thank you very much.

Life can be so simple. For me that means just the right medicines. For others, I suppose it means a little more attention to detail. Nice... That is all I can say. It is nice to be alive and well.

Oops!

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Or, thank God it's Friday (and not Saturday). I got nothing done, as I had written, yesterday. My friend called and suggested we go shooting. Well, we went shooting, then had dinner. Our shoot days are all day, at least from the time they start onward. As well, I got into a minor project and ended up not going to bed in a... timely manner. It was after 5:00 when I rolled my bones into the hay. I decided not to allow this to mess up my schedule, so I set the alarm for 10:30. And, I woke up at 9:00 without the alarm, and called it good. I think I will begin my calls at 12:00, instead of 13:00 though, as there is an hour or two difference between here and some of the places I may end up calling which favors an early start.

The shooting was good. I only shot one box in the .45 though. It is too slushy to retrieved cases, so I simply do not wish to pick them up. In many cases, I cannot pick them up. My shooting is improving, though it will be slow because of the one box limit I have self imposed in the wait for easier retrieval of cases. But that Henry .22 is a golden gun. I am shooting sub-quarter sized clay remnant shards at 60 yards and more. S A W E E T! I think that is how it is said?

I have, however, been keeping up on the dishes and I did get the regrowth off my face. After shaving my beard a bit back, I had failed to managed the fuzz until it became an ugly 'tweener' man-face-hair... thing! And, I have taken control of finger and toe nails, and the wretchedly dry skin on my feet and toe nail areas. It takes a while to get nearly bone hard skin out of the cuticle areas once that sets in.

Bit by bit, one thing at a time, one day at a time. But I am coming back online. Wow, all I can say is wow. You have no idea how nice it is to be coming back to life. I know many people take this for granted. And, I think that is good to some degree. We cannot be down on our knees all of the time or we would not produce the things that make life amenable, let alone survivable. If nothing else, my illness allows me moments of retrospect in which I get to see all of the grandeur of the wonderful thing that we call life. The price is high but the view is gorgeous.

Be well!

A day at the museum.

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Yesterday was a bit odd, health wise. I ended up not taking my medicine, any of it, in spite of having it with me. I look for "the right time" to take things when out of the house, and with everything going on, that time simply never happened. With things going on, driving, and such, I simply lost track. Still, my friend and myself had a fairly decent day. We visited the Browning museum, which includes trains, guns, and cars. We viewed a good bit of the train part and the guns of course, but ran out of time so did not view the automobiles. Next week, very possibly, we will do a return visit. We also had lunch there. I was getting grumpy from being overly tired on the drive back. I did not grump at my friend, just at typical drivers. Then again, I am a moody driver anyway. I do not go overboard, I merely grump and adjust my driving to avoid bad and stupid (yes, talking on a cellphone while driving and driving poorly for it will get someone on my "stupid list"). When less tired, I just adjust and forget, not bothering to grumble.

While we were in Ogden, as is our want, we ended up at one of our favorite gun, ammunition, and reloading shops. I found bullets, if not what I had hoped to find. I was looking for full metal jacket 230 grain round nose bullets for reloading. They had 230 and they had round nose, they just did not have them together. I ended up walking out with 500 200 grain round nose plated bullets, and 300 230 grain truncated full metal jacket bullets. I still have 200 round nose 230 grain bullets, so I guess it is all right. Of course, my friend bought 100 of the 200 grain plated bullets when we got home. He found some used 9 mm cases. It is good to have more.

I was very tired when I returned. We had a few beers. We had thought about supper, but were both still full from lunch. I took him on home and tried to stay up a few hours more, but at 20:00, I was finished. I woke up at 2:00 or so, and almost could not get back to sleep. I knew it would ruin my day schedule, so I eventually settled down and got back to sleep. Waking at 7:00 or so, I got up and began tinkering. Gaming on the machine to begin the wake-up process. I fixed a little breakfast, too much actually. Now I am gaming again, and blogging, and waiting until about 13:00 to begin a slew of business processes. Checking on the medicine, contacting my broker, contacting the loan agent, trying to figure out how to get my checks to my new bank, paying a bill, checking some other bills, and then maybe some cleaning and shopping after a couple hours off after I have done what I can on those scores.

Not only is my mind just coming into it's own, with all the fuss that goes with it, so too is my body. Food is like a new thing to it. Regular food requires regular bm's. My body is so used to being fed very irregularly that it is having to figure out how to pass waste again. It is not as easy as it might sound. Though I must admit, it is a pleasure to once again be biologically more functional. It is just knowing when one process or another is what is needed, both for me and my body, that can be a bit harrowing. Gas, as I am coming to understand, is not always gas. This is only a problem during restarts, but it is one I often forget about. No mistakes yet, just some funny facial expressions and a bit of a weird walk hurry mode rush to the nearest facility.

My kitchen is staying even, so far. I clean after each meal. Which allows me to cook with a clear conscience. As I said, by Sunday or Monday, I hope to have the whole of this house up to specs again. I think I can do this, and I will feel so much better about it. There is nothing like being in a clean, kempt, concise house. The mind and spirit become settled and new tasks become easier to take on and complete somehow. When this is done, I will begin my studies in calculus. Then perhaps physics.

Life is coming back together nicely but slowly. Too much rush and I will overdo, which will cause a setback. And yet not doing enough will cause a slip into lethargy. And knowing which is which will take a little trial and error, a little patience with myself, and a little faith in myself, the medicine, and the world in general. Coming out of a coma in self-help mode is a tricky thing. And yet it feels so good. Like being trapped, seemingly forever, in a frozen no-man's land and then to finally begin nearing the borders of a safe place while at the same time feeling a breath of spring on the face. It is good.

Where to begin?

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Have you ever had a job which either upon taking or somewhere while in that employ in which you were handed a terribly botched assignment? The paper work was all wrong, time lines are all messed up with some events very overdue others simply corrupted and some still good yet all complicating the time issues involved, and a host of other difficulties? Yes, well, that is my life. When, where, and what do I start with. Okies, we have the when down. Now! But which project and how. I am only starting to live again, but I see the whole world of business and personal needs that have to be tended and I only have so much energy and 'togetherness' at hand and my skills at organizing and throughput are sketchy at best in the best of times.

Where to start? For me, there were several sure places. Home, it is where I live and breath, think and work, and all such. Home is much more to me than most, many might as well simply live in a hotel for all they have to do with their homes. I have little choice in the matter, so my home is my whole world. Outside is even a little spooky anymore (hence why I carry on boldly, usually, when leaving my shell). To that end, I have done two loads of laundry with more to go. Though there really is not much to do. I changed about as often as I showered and we will not go further into that. Still, after I did most of what was needed clothing wise, I think the bedding (sigh) needs washed. I never did wash the bedding after my lady friend visited, if she only slept in her bed proper for one or two nights, preferring the lounger until I figured out her issues and turned the heat up, took out the window insulation so some light got in, and a few other things. My personal bedding on the other hand... We will not go their either. At least it does not 'look' too bad. *sigh*

As well, I have been busy with dishes. You might be able to imagine the pileup there. But add that it piled up long ago and at best was soaking. I have done two loads in the dishwasher and two loads by hand and it is done, save one load from the dishwasher to be put away. This was no simple wash job. All of it got a fresh resoaking (or two), and even what went into the dishwasher was sort of hand washed first. It was a real chore but a happily completed one. Next I am eyeing the broom and mop, and searching for the vacuum cleaner (searching is not, yet, a do all at once project... it might be before long... still... waking... up).

Next, medicine. I have a little over a week left of the main medicine, Lisinopril. Worried, I called the V.A. today (meant to yesterday, but... today is better than tomorrow). It is a very good thing I did. They did not have it planned for me to receive those until April 28th! What is going on in there? The woman said she would do what she could to rectify that. The woman being a worker at the main V.A. in SLC. She said she would call back when she figured this mess out. I was too tired at that time to call further, but I plan to call the closer clinic I usually visit and ask them what the problem is, get them in on the solution, and give them a small piece of my mind. This is exactly what happened last time. I cannot let this simply slide. They are as much a part of the problem, now, as I am. I am too sick to look after myself half of the time, I cannot be expected or depended upon to look after them too. I am just a wee riled at the moment.

Next, some business. Since my banking has not become local yet, I have to pay many bills manually. The internet helps, the phone helps, but nothing is quite like having everything on automatic. That helps! So, I need to tend to some bills and check on a few others. I also need to get some cash into the local bank so that I may begin using it to some extent. As well, I can put a certain amount in and use that as a limiter on my spending. Much as I used to do with the savings and checking accounts. Further, I need to figure out how to get my DD214 and contact the company I am working with on a V.A. pre-approval for a housing loan.

Wow, just wow! So much to do, and that is just the half of it. So much more house cleaning is needed. So much more business must be tended. Groceries must be bought. And, while I am gearing up, I need to also tend the little things as they happen. Cooking means cleaning. Going out means laundry. Everything that one begins starts something else in a chain that is fundamentally maddening at first. Being a ghost has a privilege that frees one from the things of flesh, but at a damned high cost. If I am going to be forced to live, I want to be in the game with foot and claw. I have to be. Either in or out, that is how I play the game when given a choice at all. Actually, I will not wait to be given a choice, I always have a choice... a whole slew of them... even as a cripple I am no pushover.

The game is on! Be well.

Excellent!

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Not perfect, not yet completely well, but the situation does look much brighter.

The medicine is doing what I had hoped. Thankfully, for several reasons, she started me on a low dose, 5 mg twice a day, as early in the morning as possible and mid to later afternoon is how I am doing it. The lift I get is comparable to soda, which is to say not a lot, but it allows me to stay conscious without being completely out of it while awake. I can also do small things, such as shopping and shooting and such again, if it can be done only occasionally that is enough for the moment. This dose will allow me to get back on some schedule, take care of myself, the house, and business minimally, and then it should set me up for a higher dose and nearly actually living again.

I have quit the sugar. Juice mixed with CO2 water, plain water, and soon tea, along with milk of course, are on the menu. I still have a great thirst as diabetes is still probably out of control and in the 300 range. One thing at a time. One piece of it all at a time. Once I am functional again, we move on to that stage, and I could see that happening by my next visit. I need to call and make sure my medication is set to be sent out. I only have a few weeks supply and that makes me nervous. Other than that, it looks like I am set to get back into taking care, being on the right medication, being off soda, and living fairly well again.

Not much else of news. Then again, I am just learning how to walk again. But the prognosis is good. Have a great night.

A week.

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That is how long it took me just to figure out how to pick up my medicine... through exhaustion, confusion, and an otherwise inability to put together a shower, being dressed and at the right time, and driving to the post office. I, of course, went to the wrong one though finding the right one was quite simple. I walked in with only minutes to spare. I started the process at about 14:30, could not quite get out of bed until 15:34 though I tried several times. Then a shower and dressing. Then, I was almost sure I could get there. The minutes were flying off the clock though. I was moving through mud. I was never sure, but I thought I could. And then it was done. A weeks worth of hard labor, truly.

The truth of being me is a bit embarrassing. I debate moral and ethical, social and economic, issues and I think I do so reasonably, and yet I cannot go down town and pick up medicine? Then again, I would suggest that Einstein left to his own devices would have had at least as bad of a situation, probably much worse. No, I do not produce as he did if what he did is just as questionably termed scientific poetry mixed with mysticism than pure science, but that is for another discussion. Still, I am pleased to just be who and what I am. And a little success sure can be sweet!

I do not think I will start it today. I know, you would think I would want to hop right on it. I want to give myself another day just to put myself in as much order to begin this as possible. And, actually, I need a rest after fighting the mental plague for this week. Though, as a mental physicist might say, since I did not move (until today), that I did no work. Which, in a way, proves physics wrong, since I worked harder doing nothing while attempting to do something than some people will ever work their whole lives. Yeah, crazy, but true.

I am looking forward to starting Ritalin again though. I have a long list of things that need to be done, that I want to do, and that I should do. I have places to go, people to see, things to do, and a life to get a bit more busy within. I have subjects to study, words to learn and write, and blogs to visit. It is time for me to start up again. And in my new home I have a brand new glowing chance at starting over. I have a world to build. I have just been given, I think, the key to the kingdom, barren as it is at this point. It is time.

Have a great day!

Wow, impressively difficult.

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I can still think, inside here, sort of. My mind works fine. It simply will not focus and it cannot control my body. I am left wondering why high blood pressure medicine, or just as likely, lower blood pressure, would cause me such difficulties. The situation probably indicates that it is not a psychological issue. Not that this is important, since there seems to be no interest in the medical community at looking for the real cause and I simply do not have the tools, knowledge, lab, and whatever else might be required to find a fix. So, I have to rely on bandaids rather than a cure or particular regimen for the root cause(s).

I have tried to turn things around. I have tried to affect my sleep patterns by trying to sleep at night so that I might wake during the daytime hours. I have set my alarm, as well. I merely end up sleeping more and waking up late in the afternoon. I cannot remember hearing the alarm go off. Sometimes, in my bad periods, I remember hearing it, messing with it, and ending up being too tired to do anything more than hitting the snooze for an hour and then turning it off. At this point, I am not sure what happens when the alarm goes off. Do I simply sleep through it? I do not know.

I need food, activity as my body actually hurts from sitting and sleeping so much. My eyes, somehow, hurt. I cannot seem to get anything done. I ran out of soda and I do not have my meds. I will have to push to get one or the other. Wish me luck.

Oh, the other night I dreamed I was a professor. There was a fellow professor with whom I wished no contact. As can be the case, this made him very interested in becoming my friend. So, I decided to have a conversation with him. I cannot remember what he did that made me feel this way, but I told him I considered him evil. He had committed spiritual suicide. He had, whatever he had done, slain his soul. I told him I knew there was a chance he could be saved, but that it was very unlikely since he truly believed in whatever he did, and continued to do so. He was vested in evil and to change would probably cost him everything he knew. I said physical suicide is similar, though if it is merely to escape pain, that suicide was not only understandable it was forgivable.

Then, after considering the difference between spiritual and physical suicide, I started thinking about the differences between physical suicide itself. The only time an animal will commit suicide, for example a deer in the clutches of wolves which explodes the heart within it's body, is when pain or surety of death is there. Only after it has tried to run to it's ability, after it has fought as it can, and probably even then only after it has been physically damaged beyond repair, will it submit to the natural course of events and kill itself.

I realized, then, that this is why (assuming my "near death experience" was true) I was not in the worst part of that. I had done what I did because of pain and knowing that I was beyond repair. No, suicide is no longer an option for me. I must carry on as I should. I simply understood something from the dream that helped me understand the past. At this point, any suffering I bear is for Christ, and life, with the Holy Spirit, and through those for the Father. I know it seems odd, but suffering is a learning experience. Just as is the humility of the life I lead by the nature of my condition.

Still, it would be nice to be able to figure out how to go to the store, pick up some food items, do the dishes, and have a meal. Or, pick up my medicine, or maybe some soda until I can get that. Anyway, if I can handle a little pain and degradation, anyone can! :P Be well, and know that in here, if deeply sometimes, is a thinking feeling human who does his best. And he has the nerve to snicker about it from time to time on top of that. Ha!

A breath of fresh air.

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Faculties came back online again, a bit. I came out of the fog well enough to begin planning how to further extricate myself from this sticky situation. I did not ponder why, at first, I merely used the time to make some plans and do some things. After doing a few minor things, like preparing a meal and calling my friend to set up an outing tomorrow (the meal REALLY helped as I knew it would), I started to try and figure out what had happened. Ah, I had become so down I had forgotten to take my medicines for a few days. Off the medicine I was able to function again. Still, that will not do either. So, back on the medicine. With plans in play to be out tomorrow, I will ensure I pick up the new medicine, which should help.

I can only hope Ritalin works as it has in the past, and yet is not too much. It does not drive me off the deep end, but it does push my personal (not physical) tolerance. Going from zero to mach 3 is a bit daunting mentally, especially while still groggy. Until I regain the reins, I am on a runaway horse. Still, it can be sort of funny. I can leave my corpse well enough to watch the animal aspect contained therein do what critters do when hyped a bit. Feed a mouse caffeine, then watch, you will understand.

I keep thinking about the 'human condition'. I see that we have an animal aspect. Animals are purely and simply biological robots. They know neither future nor past. They do not choose to breed or not, they react to chemical processes. They have, at most, a suspicion of anything other than biological directives and that only among the higher functioning among them, perhaps dolphins, great apes, and maybe elephants, among a very small other assortment. Still, even those animals have no idea about the world. They have no need or interest in affecting their environment. That aspect of us only comprises a small amount of what we are, could be, or should be.

Humans are different in many ways. I almost feel sorry for those who do not understand. And, yet, I still wonder if there are many among those who would be human who are actually merely animal. I do know, however, that there are some, perhaps many, who are more. I would like to think I am among those who are more. If lessened by illness, I realize there is a difference and attempt to act on being more than just an animal.

If we are just animals, then culling is in order. If we are merely animals, then there is no purpose to being other than to gain as much as we can and live in as much luxury as possible, for as long as possible, and at the expense of anything or anyone else. If we are purely biological in nature than life on this planet (and to our actual knowledge disregarding the "alien hypothesis", the banal hope beyond hope of the soulless) and indeed all of existence is doomed. And life, regardless of anything anyone tells you is the most precious gift given to anything in existence. I suppose that is why I am so anti-abortion. I could see being anti-death penalty too, but at this point the risks the prisoners present is too great for that for me. No, life is so very special, rare, and doomed, that but for there being God and a greater meaning, this would all be a great big cosmic joke... a bitter one.

Anyway, from one human hopefully to another, live well. Time IS short here, whether you know it or not. And though I think for the most part where we are going is far finer, missing out on the possibilities here is like missing out on high school and college (if you went) events. Though those were lesser than say, hopefully, marriage, work, adult friends, they can never be revisited or done over. Do not skip out on this life. Have a good night.