Wow, impressively difficult.

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I can still think, inside here, sort of. My mind works fine. It simply will not focus and it cannot control my body. I am left wondering why high blood pressure medicine, or just as likely, lower blood pressure, would cause me such difficulties. The situation probably indicates that it is not a psychological issue. Not that this is important, since there seems to be no interest in the medical community at looking for the real cause and I simply do not have the tools, knowledge, lab, and whatever else might be required to find a fix. So, I have to rely on bandaids rather than a cure or particular regimen for the root cause(s).

I have tried to turn things around. I have tried to affect my sleep patterns by trying to sleep at night so that I might wake during the daytime hours. I have set my alarm, as well. I merely end up sleeping more and waking up late in the afternoon. I cannot remember hearing the alarm go off. Sometimes, in my bad periods, I remember hearing it, messing with it, and ending up being too tired to do anything more than hitting the snooze for an hour and then turning it off. At this point, I am not sure what happens when the alarm goes off. Do I simply sleep through it? I do not know.

I need food, activity as my body actually hurts from sitting and sleeping so much. My eyes, somehow, hurt. I cannot seem to get anything done. I ran out of soda and I do not have my meds. I will have to push to get one or the other. Wish me luck.

Oh, the other night I dreamed I was a professor. There was a fellow professor with whom I wished no contact. As can be the case, this made him very interested in becoming my friend. So, I decided to have a conversation with him. I cannot remember what he did that made me feel this way, but I told him I considered him evil. He had committed spiritual suicide. He had, whatever he had done, slain his soul. I told him I knew there was a chance he could be saved, but that it was very unlikely since he truly believed in whatever he did, and continued to do so. He was vested in evil and to change would probably cost him everything he knew. I said physical suicide is similar, though if it is merely to escape pain, that suicide was not only understandable it was forgivable.

Then, after considering the difference between spiritual and physical suicide, I started thinking about the differences between physical suicide itself. The only time an animal will commit suicide, for example a deer in the clutches of wolves which explodes the heart within it's body, is when pain or surety of death is there. Only after it has tried to run to it's ability, after it has fought as it can, and probably even then only after it has been physically damaged beyond repair, will it submit to the natural course of events and kill itself.

I realized, then, that this is why (assuming my "near death experience" was true) I was not in the worst part of that. I had done what I did because of pain and knowing that I was beyond repair. No, suicide is no longer an option for me. I must carry on as I should. I simply understood something from the dream that helped me understand the past. At this point, any suffering I bear is for Christ, and life, with the Holy Spirit, and through those for the Father. I know it seems odd, but suffering is a learning experience. Just as is the humility of the life I lead by the nature of my condition.

Still, it would be nice to be able to figure out how to go to the store, pick up some food items, do the dishes, and have a meal. Or, pick up my medicine, or maybe some soda until I can get that. Anyway, if I can handle a little pain and degradation, anyone can! :P Be well, and know that in here, if deeply sometimes, is a thinking feeling human who does his best. And he has the nerve to snicker about it from time to time on top of that. Ha!