Huh?

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Still in absolute burned-out mode. I am trying to break the chains that bind it just is not working. I have found that obsessive gaming allows me to remain conscious, if being conscious hurts. Though I can do little else, I at least am awake more of the time and keep my mind somewhat active. Surprisingly, those games require quite a bit of thinking. As I said though, it hurts.

I am working at getting showered, dressed, and going out today. I need some food, for one thing. I might get out to shoot, as well. It seems like an easy matter. Stand up out of this chair, go to the shower and undress, shower, brush the gums, shave the face, and dress. Then make a call and head out. And, it is that easy. But it is not that easy. Moving through fog is difficult, knowing that I will have to force myself every step of the way is daunting, and knowing that I cannot just stop and rest if needed is fear inducing. Think of it like deciding to get on a bus in L.A., with a ticket to N.Y.C., with no means of getting out of it. I am sensitive to noise, tired beyond understanding, with a headache and a lack of ability to simply think straight or for long.

If not today, then tomorrow I will get to the post office and pick up my medicine. It seems they have arrived, but because of the Ritalin, they cannot just leave it at the door. I cannot get out, mostly, and seem to have missed every time they have visited (I received the notice on Friday). Oh well. It will be done, soon.

Never worry though. I am used to this, to a degree. I enjoy what I can how I can. At least I do not have to worry about scratching out an existence too. If I am not always happy with the V.A., at least they are taking care of me financially. I could well have been a bum if not for them. I have little choice in my condition. Actually, if it were not for my ability to communicate at a high level in spite of being ill, I am almost certain I would be in a ditch or under a bridge somewhere. Many are. Pray for them before ever praying for me.