.
.
It came upon me faster than I could understand it. I had just listened to Fade Into You. I was merely sitting here, about to check something online, when I found myself transported to a near future, with her. She had just listened to the song. She asked me what it meant. I told her I could not tell her. Confused by this, she asked why not. I told her that the song, and many things, mean different things to her and me and that she would have to figure out what the song meant to her. Perhaps then we could discuss it. But that the magic of love is that two different people, who understand the same things differently, can join to be one and yet still be two different people.
Hmm? Oh, I still don't know what it meant. And yet... It wasn't that what I said in the daydream isn't something I would have said. It was very much me, in that futureness. It's just that I don't always understand what I seem to know or say, I am just sure, as in this case, that it is true.
A nap, I think. I will try to keep it short though, with the alarm. I don't know if it will work or not. I can only make attempts at things. Later.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Terrified? Doom?
.
.
I can face hell. If God says go, I can, and would. Knowing God, and with faith as I have it, be it His will and He would command such a thing by no other means, I would return... with trophies. The gates of hell would neither keep me out nor bind me within. I do not fear hell, only the sin that would make me bound to it and abandoning God that would be required to be subject to it. But no longer for myself. I have chosen and will not be undone.
.
Friday, November 22, 2013
There is simply only so much I can do.
.
.
My sleep patterns are just off the hook. A "nap" that lasts 7 hours, a sleep that eats 12 hours, staying awake for 20 hours one time, 10 hours the next time. Fine, I knew this was possible. I am tracking days better this time and taking my medication like clockwork... within the oddities of when I am awake anyway. It is give or take, but reasonably so.
The medical debtor called me back. They want me to get some kind of I.D. for payment. I know I won't be able to get that. Still, I am trying to contact someone, at the V.A., who deals with this. After an attempt or two yesterday, I thought I was lucky today. I got through, was put on hold two or three times, then transferred to another line. No one was at that line, merely a message center. I left a message. Any guess at how long it will take for someone to contact me back? The recorded message says that they don't contact people on Monday. I doubt if I will hear anything today. I have taken paperwork in to the V.A., what the hospital offered, and in spite of being either given permission or actually in one case being told to go to the hospital by the nurse, they seem to have no records at the V.A., and suggested what I brought from the hospital was not what I needed but couldn't tell me what I did actually need. Which... is why I backed out of trying to help and told them it was between them. Neither party seems all that interested. It's, for them, a personal problem.
It is just about bedtime again. Just when I think I have jumped to days, everything switches. It's a rough go, but like I said, no pain. I tried to call my mother, as well, just to talk. No dice. Hard to tell what that woman is up to. Work, other work, shopping for herself or someone else, driving someone to medical care, who knows. She might even be napping, if she has had a long haul or isn't feeling well. She has learned to get in a nap on the very rare chance she can and it is needed. Hmm, sort of like me, though with a much more regular schedule generally.
Good night.
.
My sleep patterns are just off the hook. A "nap" that lasts 7 hours, a sleep that eats 12 hours, staying awake for 20 hours one time, 10 hours the next time. Fine, I knew this was possible. I am tracking days better this time and taking my medication like clockwork... within the oddities of when I am awake anyway. It is give or take, but reasonably so.
The medical debtor called me back. They want me to get some kind of I.D. for payment. I know I won't be able to get that. Still, I am trying to contact someone, at the V.A., who deals with this. After an attempt or two yesterday, I thought I was lucky today. I got through, was put on hold two or three times, then transferred to another line. No one was at that line, merely a message center. I left a message. Any guess at how long it will take for someone to contact me back? The recorded message says that they don't contact people on Monday. I doubt if I will hear anything today. I have taken paperwork in to the V.A., what the hospital offered, and in spite of being either given permission or actually in one case being told to go to the hospital by the nurse, they seem to have no records at the V.A., and suggested what I brought from the hospital was not what I needed but couldn't tell me what I did actually need. Which... is why I backed out of trying to help and told them it was between them. Neither party seems all that interested. It's, for them, a personal problem.
It is just about bedtime again. Just when I think I have jumped to days, everything switches. It's a rough go, but like I said, no pain. I tried to call my mother, as well, just to talk. No dice. Hard to tell what that woman is up to. Work, other work, shopping for herself or someone else, driving someone to medical care, who knows. She might even be napping, if she has had a long haul or isn't feeling well. She has learned to get in a nap on the very rare chance she can and it is needed. Hmm, sort of like me, though with a much more regular schedule generally.
Good night.
A glass of water?
.
.
Drinking a glass of water, using water to boil pasta or for use in making other items, is a risky proposition. The more densely populated the region, most reports seem to suggest, the greater the risk. However, living downstream from a large population base creates the same risk. Much of the water American's have running to their homes is contaminated with both pharmaceuticals and illicit drugs. The level varies. The risk seems not to have been studied. No government agency has decided to either study effects or issue guidelines regarding this issue.
It has been known for some relatively long time. I became aware of it a decade ago. Actually, it was a suspicion that came to my mind during a discussion with my then girlfriend. Something about her worries about nitrates and nitrites in the water from farming and me suggesting more women use and expel hormones from using the pill than all the farmers could possibly use these other pollutants. Further, I contested, estrogen and other such chemicals would be much more toxic, in many ways, than would fertilizers, as far as at least humans went. Okay, you tagged me. At the time, I was just... we will call it speculating. A little digging turned up what I had suggested to be the truth. At the time, though I considered it, I didn't investigate other pharmaceuticals or illicit drugs in the water. One thing at a time, and just estrogen in the water was a bombshell.
Actually, the topic came up here recently, regarding human sex hormones in agricultural use, then me doing a rough estimate in comparing chemical spray versus women spray... sort of. After a brief review, after my most recent... speculation... I realize I have undervalued the number of American women who use the pill or some other form of chemical birth control or abortificant. I guessed (if as a basement figure) that a quarter of women were using something. As it turns out, that number is more like 62% of women (and girls) in their reproductive years, though how many women use estrogen or such after menopause is another story. Further, how many women who have had a hysterectomy use hormones of some sort or another. I'll stick with the main story. At 62% of women in childbearing *cough* years versus 20% of all women, not counting women who aren't childbearing but who also use... Yeah, Monsanto isn't the monster, or biggest one, in this fight.
The thing is, that is only one of many medicines and drugs which find their way to the potable water system. Europe has a similar problem. I had wondered if reverse osmosis fixed this, but it seems that is not the case. However, activated carbon does seem to work for that. My system does have that, and I believe in both a pre and post filter. Then again, I live in the country, not downstream from any high population, if I am not exactly sure where city water is derived. We do have a dam upstream, a river from it that flows by, and a very shallow water table so possibly a well. All are, really, the same source. I, because of that very lady friend earlier in the article, have been drinking purified water, of one sort or another, for over a decade now. I do suspect that, being unhealthy as is, that is part of why I have lasted.
Just something to think about. Oh, no, never trust me. But if you are working hard to eat right, stay fit, and do whatever else you can to take care of yourself, don't miss this vital issue. Oh, and stop with the bottled water. That is hugely wasteful, and I'm not exactly even an eco guy. Urhm, not at all. I am just an efficiency guy. Buy a reverse osmosis system, with an active carbon filter component or two, keep that in working order, and buy stainless steel water jugs. It's a bit of work, but well worth the effort. Oh, and beside, many bottled waters are just taken out of a well, or right from the tap. Which are pure? Good question. Believe what someone tells you or believe what you can see, your choice.
Reverse osmosis systems are not electric, they work on the water pressure of your system. They are not too difficult to install yourself, and YouTube might have the exact system instructions you need. Visuals, people, I love YouTube... sometimes. Generally you need more than 40 psi, but less than 100 psi (psi = pounds per square inch). The testers for pressure are less than $10, and if need be a pressure lowering device is about $60. There are special reverse osmosis systems that can work at lower pressures, if you use your own well or otherwise have low pressure water.
Just some thoughts, your mileage may vary.
.
Drinking a glass of water, using water to boil pasta or for use in making other items, is a risky proposition. The more densely populated the region, most reports seem to suggest, the greater the risk. However, living downstream from a large population base creates the same risk. Much of the water American's have running to their homes is contaminated with both pharmaceuticals and illicit drugs. The level varies. The risk seems not to have been studied. No government agency has decided to either study effects or issue guidelines regarding this issue.
It has been known for some relatively long time. I became aware of it a decade ago. Actually, it was a suspicion that came to my mind during a discussion with my then girlfriend. Something about her worries about nitrates and nitrites in the water from farming and me suggesting more women use and expel hormones from using the pill than all the farmers could possibly use these other pollutants. Further, I contested, estrogen and other such chemicals would be much more toxic, in many ways, than would fertilizers, as far as at least humans went. Okay, you tagged me. At the time, I was just... we will call it speculating. A little digging turned up what I had suggested to be the truth. At the time, though I considered it, I didn't investigate other pharmaceuticals or illicit drugs in the water. One thing at a time, and just estrogen in the water was a bombshell.
Actually, the topic came up here recently, regarding human sex hormones in agricultural use, then me doing a rough estimate in comparing chemical spray versus women spray... sort of. After a brief review, after my most recent... speculation... I realize I have undervalued the number of American women who use the pill or some other form of chemical birth control or abortificant. I guessed (if as a basement figure) that a quarter of women were using something. As it turns out, that number is more like 62% of women (and girls) in their reproductive years, though how many women use estrogen or such after menopause is another story. Further, how many women who have had a hysterectomy use hormones of some sort or another. I'll stick with the main story. At 62% of women in childbearing *cough* years versus 20% of all women, not counting women who aren't childbearing but who also use... Yeah, Monsanto isn't the monster, or biggest one, in this fight.
The thing is, that is only one of many medicines and drugs which find their way to the potable water system. Europe has a similar problem. I had wondered if reverse osmosis fixed this, but it seems that is not the case. However, activated carbon does seem to work for that. My system does have that, and I believe in both a pre and post filter. Then again, I live in the country, not downstream from any high population, if I am not exactly sure where city water is derived. We do have a dam upstream, a river from it that flows by, and a very shallow water table so possibly a well. All are, really, the same source. I, because of that very lady friend earlier in the article, have been drinking purified water, of one sort or another, for over a decade now. I do suspect that, being unhealthy as is, that is part of why I have lasted.
Just something to think about. Oh, no, never trust me. But if you are working hard to eat right, stay fit, and do whatever else you can to take care of yourself, don't miss this vital issue. Oh, and stop with the bottled water. That is hugely wasteful, and I'm not exactly even an eco guy. Urhm, not at all. I am just an efficiency guy. Buy a reverse osmosis system, with an active carbon filter component or two, keep that in working order, and buy stainless steel water jugs. It's a bit of work, but well worth the effort. Oh, and beside, many bottled waters are just taken out of a well, or right from the tap. Which are pure? Good question. Believe what someone tells you or believe what you can see, your choice.
Reverse osmosis systems are not electric, they work on the water pressure of your system. They are not too difficult to install yourself, and YouTube might have the exact system instructions you need. Visuals, people, I love YouTube... sometimes. Generally you need more than 40 psi, but less than 100 psi (psi = pounds per square inch). The testers for pressure are less than $10, and if need be a pressure lowering device is about $60. There are special reverse osmosis systems that can work at lower pressures, if you use your own well or otherwise have low pressure water.
Just some thoughts, your mileage may vary.
Tiptoeing with medication through the sleep minefield.
.
.
Last time I went through this, I tried to take medication within the times I was awake, each waking period it's own day. That didn't work well as sometimes I would have two to three "days" in a 24 hour period, or the opposite, a "day" every real day and a half. This time, I am more aware. I learned from that most recent attempt, stayed conscious so I can use what I learned. This time I am taking medications, more or less and well so far, as per calendar day. It might mean medication has to be taken a little earlier, if I am crashing before the time to 'officially' take it, but by just a few hours... or waking up at 23:00 which is later than I would normally take it. It's sort of tricky. But it does make more sense and is easier to track. Then again, I am better prepared for the confusion this time. And steeled against the intrusions, or side effects, taking medication can exhibit. It's still not as easy as just doing it.
I am doing some tricks, too. Like, with the water pill, that isn't as effective if taken right before sleep. So... when I will be taking my "morning" dose before sleep, I save that part for when I will be awake at night. And since the carvedilol can cause exhaustion, and since I am not taking it on an absolute schedule, I will fudge a little with when I take it, as long as there is eight hours between doses and two doses are taken within about 18 hours. Odd little things, but that can really help me do a few things. Timing... whether with humor, story telling, romance, fighting, or medication... A vital thing is doing just the right thing at just the right time. Not bad for an old nearly dead guy. Aye, but the eye is on the prize. There is a decent chance at a real revival, a return to much better, perhaps even full, health. Then, maybe, back to engineering school. Depending on the job markets? No, since it would be without debt, it would be worth having in any case. One of the few degrees that might actually help personally, professionally, and for prepping. Though without experience in the field, I have some doubts about absolute value... Still... Yeah, probably back to school.
No pain so far. But that didn't come until later, at higher doses. I still expect that and I will stay try to stay awake through it, or consciously viable, or however you wish to refer to it. I am hoping it won't be as bad. I am more stubborn about it this time, prepared. And yet, when that pain hits, it's not... you can't ever be quite ready for the rawness of it. Still, I liked being aware, able to know and do some smaller things. Not sure I can take medicines all that well otherwise either. I can only guess I nearly blindly stumbled through getting on medication in the past.
At some point I will be back on medication, it will normalize, and I will be on my way. Last winter was pretty good, as winters go, and given the state of my health. I am hoping to get back to that this year, including starting up seedlings again, for another try at gardening. As well, I would like to get the 'cave' in order, possibly get the garage rigged as a shop, and finish the plumbing work. Nothing too fancy but out of my range at the moment. In the short run, I would like to finish the kitchen, then hit the unpacking, then hit the rest of the cave as a lead to whatever else I can eventually do. Build slow and up, starting with medicine then moving on to the world and what ever else is at hand.
Troubling as it all might be, I do like struggling... against something... anything. It definitely beats being lost in the fog as I was for so very long. Even pain is better than nothingness, though my least favorite in it's harsher forms by far. And I can't always tolerate it when full blast so some 'float' will occur. Never mind, I'll keep tinkering.
Later.
.
Last time I went through this, I tried to take medication within the times I was awake, each waking period it's own day. That didn't work well as sometimes I would have two to three "days" in a 24 hour period, or the opposite, a "day" every real day and a half. This time, I am more aware. I learned from that most recent attempt, stayed conscious so I can use what I learned. This time I am taking medications, more or less and well so far, as per calendar day. It might mean medication has to be taken a little earlier, if I am crashing before the time to 'officially' take it, but by just a few hours... or waking up at 23:00 which is later than I would normally take it. It's sort of tricky. But it does make more sense and is easier to track. Then again, I am better prepared for the confusion this time. And steeled against the intrusions, or side effects, taking medication can exhibit. It's still not as easy as just doing it.
I am doing some tricks, too. Like, with the water pill, that isn't as effective if taken right before sleep. So... when I will be taking my "morning" dose before sleep, I save that part for when I will be awake at night. And since the carvedilol can cause exhaustion, and since I am not taking it on an absolute schedule, I will fudge a little with when I take it, as long as there is eight hours between doses and two doses are taken within about 18 hours. Odd little things, but that can really help me do a few things. Timing... whether with humor, story telling, romance, fighting, or medication... A vital thing is doing just the right thing at just the right time. Not bad for an old nearly dead guy. Aye, but the eye is on the prize. There is a decent chance at a real revival, a return to much better, perhaps even full, health. Then, maybe, back to engineering school. Depending on the job markets? No, since it would be without debt, it would be worth having in any case. One of the few degrees that might actually help personally, professionally, and for prepping. Though without experience in the field, I have some doubts about absolute value... Still... Yeah, probably back to school.
No pain so far. But that didn't come until later, at higher doses. I still expect that and I will stay try to stay awake through it, or consciously viable, or however you wish to refer to it. I am hoping it won't be as bad. I am more stubborn about it this time, prepared. And yet, when that pain hits, it's not... you can't ever be quite ready for the rawness of it. Still, I liked being aware, able to know and do some smaller things. Not sure I can take medicines all that well otherwise either. I can only guess I nearly blindly stumbled through getting on medication in the past.
At some point I will be back on medication, it will normalize, and I will be on my way. Last winter was pretty good, as winters go, and given the state of my health. I am hoping to get back to that this year, including starting up seedlings again, for another try at gardening. As well, I would like to get the 'cave' in order, possibly get the garage rigged as a shop, and finish the plumbing work. Nothing too fancy but out of my range at the moment. In the short run, I would like to finish the kitchen, then hit the unpacking, then hit the rest of the cave as a lead to whatever else I can eventually do. Build slow and up, starting with medicine then moving on to the world and what ever else is at hand.
Troubling as it all might be, I do like struggling... against something... anything. It definitely beats being lost in the fog as I was for so very long. Even pain is better than nothingness, though my least favorite in it's harsher forms by far. And I can't always tolerate it when full blast so some 'float' will occur. Never mind, I'll keep tinkering.
Later.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
A cock-eyed sleep cycle.
.
.
I can't seem to get grounded. My "naps" are running at seven hours or more, as is my sleep. Sometimes, usually, I sleep the middle part of the day and still go to bed at night, but not always. Taking medicine will sometimes cause me to need to go right back in for sleep, right up until they don't allow me to sleep until very late or not at all such as last night. The alarm clock, is, as has been noted, attempted and found to be useless. At least I hear it, but that just may end up troubling my sleep so as to end up requiring even more sleep to try to sooth that over. Been here, done this, and just not long ago. I hate grinding over ground I just covered. I lost my grip on medicine though. It wasn't a willful disregard. The flesh can only take just so much sometimes.
I got a call from the medical claim people. They want me to get some claim from the V.A. I can see where this is going... nowhere. I will call the V.A., see who I need to speak with, see what they have to say, and call the other people back. Been here, done this, and to no good ends already and before. It looks like the V.A. is refusing to pay and the debt collectors are refusing to ask. It's a lot like when your mom and dad aren't talking, but you need them to agree to something. Neither side will relent, most likely, and the debt will remain unpaid and on my credit report. I'll call, again. And I expect exactly what has happened before.
As it turns out, the V.A. didn't pay for a single visit to the ER, in spite of sending me... preapproving... two of the cases. One of the times a V.A. nurse ordered me in, in spite of my objections. The other time I was going in and out of shock, so didn't seek preapproval as staying conscious while driving to the hospital was about the only trick I could pull out of my hat. Oh, yeah! The medical laws now on the books may see you finding out just how good having the government and bureaucrats run your medical care is! Wait until no one will pay for anything, even though it is required, and you can't get loan adjustments and such because you have "bad credit". The only reason I was able to get an adjustment on my V.A. load was because they knew I was 100%, so shouldn't have medical bills. Doesn't work on my car loan or I would have tried.
I set the haiku post to run at noon. It didn't. Google has it so that everything is two hours behind, I think. I have tried to monkey with time zones, but they know what time zone I am in. My guess is that this is a way to suppress data, even erase it. I am not sure if they can undo 'data captures', or yet, but my guess is they are working on that if they don't have it yet. They want to be able to shut down information sharing if they decide to do so, and this is just one means of doing so. A stop gap, if it is a local thing, so as to not have to pull the plug on the whole internet. Just a guess.
Hmm, a bit more coffee, then some phone calls. Later.
.
I can't seem to get grounded. My "naps" are running at seven hours or more, as is my sleep. Sometimes, usually, I sleep the middle part of the day and still go to bed at night, but not always. Taking medicine will sometimes cause me to need to go right back in for sleep, right up until they don't allow me to sleep until very late or not at all such as last night. The alarm clock, is, as has been noted, attempted and found to be useless. At least I hear it, but that just may end up troubling my sleep so as to end up requiring even more sleep to try to sooth that over. Been here, done this, and just not long ago. I hate grinding over ground I just covered. I lost my grip on medicine though. It wasn't a willful disregard. The flesh can only take just so much sometimes.
I got a call from the medical claim people. They want me to get some claim from the V.A. I can see where this is going... nowhere. I will call the V.A., see who I need to speak with, see what they have to say, and call the other people back. Been here, done this, and to no good ends already and before. It looks like the V.A. is refusing to pay and the debt collectors are refusing to ask. It's a lot like when your mom and dad aren't talking, but you need them to agree to something. Neither side will relent, most likely, and the debt will remain unpaid and on my credit report. I'll call, again. And I expect exactly what has happened before.
As it turns out, the V.A. didn't pay for a single visit to the ER, in spite of sending me... preapproving... two of the cases. One of the times a V.A. nurse ordered me in, in spite of my objections. The other time I was going in and out of shock, so didn't seek preapproval as staying conscious while driving to the hospital was about the only trick I could pull out of my hat. Oh, yeah! The medical laws now on the books may see you finding out just how good having the government and bureaucrats run your medical care is! Wait until no one will pay for anything, even though it is required, and you can't get loan adjustments and such because you have "bad credit". The only reason I was able to get an adjustment on my V.A. load was because they knew I was 100%, so shouldn't have medical bills. Doesn't work on my car loan or I would have tried.
I set the haiku post to run at noon. It didn't. Google has it so that everything is two hours behind, I think. I have tried to monkey with time zones, but they know what time zone I am in. My guess is that this is a way to suppress data, even erase it. I am not sure if they can undo 'data captures', or yet, but my guess is they are working on that if they don't have it yet. They want to be able to shut down information sharing if they decide to do so, and this is just one means of doing so. A stop gap, if it is a local thing, so as to not have to pull the plug on the whole internet. Just a guess.
Hmm, a bit more coffee, then some phone calls. Later.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Feeling a bit pepped.
.
.
Not sure what happened. Maybe the bp crashes when I take medicine and then slowly creeps back up? Can't say. I ought to check but... that might take focus beyond my means. I'm actually, as I see things, not simmering on a bed of rage. It is more like I am simply much more open, at the command of, whatever emotion is present. Right now, I feel more ticklish. Everything seems just a little bit funny. Yes, you too. And you. And me. I have a perpetual wolfish grin. And when it goes full on, it tickles my cheeks like the best of the sweet and sour candies. Aye, but it is a very nice little pleasure. I'm just looking for mischief into which to cloak myself within. Ah... for the days of grade and high school. And, this is the high time to meet a woman. Something about infectious laughter, simple curiosity, and some other elements of this mood that is irresistible to them.
I didn't! You did. You did it again! I don't remember that. Can I do it again? You already did. Aye.
Never mind. Just logging this for future thought. It's all gibberish to me at the moment. Perhaps it will make sense in time. And, while feeling my oats, I figured out this week's haiku theme, created the post like a flash, and have it set to be presented tomorrow at noon, whether I am awake and aware or not. Later.
--------------
Just more on the same theme. I know, I know, I can hit it pretty hard. Women aren't used to getting hit back. And, really, they aren't built for it. Still... sometimes...
I'm a bad boy.
.
Not sure what happened. Maybe the bp crashes when I take medicine and then slowly creeps back up? Can't say. I ought to check but... that might take focus beyond my means. I'm actually, as I see things, not simmering on a bed of rage. It is more like I am simply much more open, at the command of, whatever emotion is present. Right now, I feel more ticklish. Everything seems just a little bit funny. Yes, you too. And you. And me. I have a perpetual wolfish grin. And when it goes full on, it tickles my cheeks like the best of the sweet and sour candies. Aye, but it is a very nice little pleasure. I'm just looking for mischief into which to cloak myself within. Ah... for the days of grade and high school. And, this is the high time to meet a woman. Something about infectious laughter, simple curiosity, and some other elements of this mood that is irresistible to them.
--------------
Just more on the same theme. I know, I know, I can hit it pretty hard. Women aren't used to getting hit back. And, really, they aren't built for it. Still... sometimes...
I'm a bad boy.
Did I say nap?
.
.
A nap, a two hour nap, was the goal. I set the alarm for just a bit more than two hours and hit it. As before, when the alarm went off, there was no way to wake. I was able to focus and reset the alarm, this time for two more hours. When it went off again, I set it for two more hours. I simply shut it off after the third alarm. I did wake maybe an hour after that... Still barely awake, but able to sit at least. I can only guess that when blood pressure is this high, the medication that lowers it has a much increased affect on the system, like sodium in water or something?
I am drop like a rock shortly after taking the medication. Can't really focus on much other than incidentals and taking medication. Still, this is the goal so I will just keep trying to live with the effects until I can master them, or my bp lowers enough that the effects diminish. Even when I wake up I am still groggy. That very early morning grogginess you sometimes feel, or late night if you are like some, simply never leaves. I can't really focus on checking bp and other stuff, quite yet. I'd like to check bp in a few days, and every few days, if I can. More out of curiosity.
That's all I have for now. Later.
.
A nap, a two hour nap, was the goal. I set the alarm for just a bit more than two hours and hit it. As before, when the alarm went off, there was no way to wake. I was able to focus and reset the alarm, this time for two more hours. When it went off again, I set it for two more hours. I simply shut it off after the third alarm. I did wake maybe an hour after that... Still barely awake, but able to sit at least. I can only guess that when blood pressure is this high, the medication that lowers it has a much increased affect on the system, like sodium in water or something?
I am drop like a rock shortly after taking the medication. Can't really focus on much other than incidentals and taking medication. Still, this is the goal so I will just keep trying to live with the effects until I can master them, or my bp lowers enough that the effects diminish. Even when I wake up I am still groggy. That very early morning grogginess you sometimes feel, or late night if you are like some, simply never leaves. I can't really focus on checking bp and other stuff, quite yet. I'd like to check bp in a few days, and every few days, if I can. More out of curiosity.
That's all I have for now. Later.
Sleepy, but with my foot on the accelerator.
.
.
The meds are playing havoc with things, along with the blood pressure. I realize I am... physically angry. No, not emotionally. Or... the part that is me is just fine, it is that other aspect that is... pumped. I realized, while driving, that, even with prayer, as much focus as I can get, and some other such... Rage is in there. My guess is my body is in actual distress from having blood pressure that high. So... what to do? Well, try to take it easy and try to avoid confrontations. That isn't always possible.
The debate about that video, for example. I think there is reasonable room for debate. But then again, I don't want to simply be snapping and flailing. What to do? Ah... a nap. That might help. Well, that and slowing down my responses. Reading and rereading things to this point. Even listening to the Gregorian chants. By the way, those now have their own label "Praising God", along with a Johnny Cash song. Low brow or high, God enjoys our songful worship. God gave us plenty of very strong warning and I think Mr. Cash walked through a lot of darkness, as well, before finding his way to the light. That he would bring a fistful of fight with him makes sense. At least I understand it.
I don't want to harsh on someone the wrong way, or for the wrong reasons. Still, I think she started it and I can't just let it be. If you want to kick a dog, or a man while he is down, be my guest. I literally probably can't stop you, though I would if I saw it in time. But if I see it, I'm going to react harshly. And, to me, that is what I saw. And more. Still, as I said, I don't mind going hard, I just don't want to go hard wrong. Yes, a nap. And prayers before and after. The Lord knows I need them, as does everyone. That I can do.
After the nap and prayer... back to the business at hand. :p
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Fat hatred, among other things.
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I recently got caught up in a debate with someone regarding a video she put up. She claims to be a libertarian conservative. This video reminds me, to my mind, of some of the stupider far left tripe, from when I was of that belief system.
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I recently got caught up in a debate with someone regarding a video she put up. She claims to be a libertarian conservative. This video reminds me, to my mind, of some of the stupider far left tripe, from when I was of that belief system.
Pleasantly rested.
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Sleep did offer some reprieve from the long push and medication startup. To bed at 20:00 or was it 21:00? Somewhere in there. I set the alarm for 6:00, just as an outlier, or even hope. I woke at 2:00, got out of bed at 2:15 after realizing sleep was definitely done. I really didn't want to get up then, especially for some reason believing it was only 1:00. I kept trying to get back to sleep for just an hour, I thought. So it was a pleasant surprise that it did end up being 2:15. I got my wish through psychic misallocation? Yup! And I'll take it.
The girls are... pushing papa's buttons. FOO-OO-OOD! Yeah, I know. But I do try to wait an hour or two. Hmm... already 4:21 so I suppose I can feed them, and take my medicines, check bp and blood sugar too. I'll try to wrangle up something of a schedule again. Since they are helping me, that offers a bit of a bolster. Even sick animals need to be led to health, no different for human form types. Especially when I know there will be a pop quiz in a week or so!
Today? Whatever I can squeeze in or squeeze out? Yeah. I am going to probably try to take a nap before too long. Especially after dosing. I will try to keep it short, as an afterburner or such, to slow my ascent, or descent, depending on how you are looking at it, into days. All I can do is schedule and plan. Much simply either works or it doesn't. In spite of my action based nature, I have truly had to learn subtlety. I don't like it, but that is never the point. Life isn't about what I like. It is about doing what of what I must, and then want, as I can. What I like, quite often, usually, was abandoned on my way to being an adult. And... that isn't a fully bad thing. I get my childish moments in, when I can, though too. It just can't be the main, or even large majority. Just a dash of flavor, enjoying a ray of sunshine, smelling a flower, smiling about a pretty woman. Then back to it! Well, as I can.
Oh, yes, best feed the girls before they decide I am tasty enough or their newest scratching post. And on with the meds and stats. Hmm... and I am hungry. A bowl of rice with a little whipping cream? Sure.
But to get the day started correctly, how about a touch of music?
[lyrics and translation]
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Sleep did offer some reprieve from the long push and medication startup. To bed at 20:00 or was it 21:00? Somewhere in there. I set the alarm for 6:00, just as an outlier, or even hope. I woke at 2:00, got out of bed at 2:15 after realizing sleep was definitely done. I really didn't want to get up then, especially for some reason believing it was only 1:00. I kept trying to get back to sleep for just an hour, I thought. So it was a pleasant surprise that it did end up being 2:15. I got my wish through psychic misallocation? Yup! And I'll take it.
The girls are... pushing papa's buttons. FOO-OO-OOD! Yeah, I know. But I do try to wait an hour or two. Hmm... already 4:21 so I suppose I can feed them, and take my medicines, check bp and blood sugar too. I'll try to wrangle up something of a schedule again. Since they are helping me, that offers a bit of a bolster. Even sick animals need to be led to health, no different for human form types. Especially when I know there will be a pop quiz in a week or so!
Today? Whatever I can squeeze in or squeeze out? Yeah. I am going to probably try to take a nap before too long. Especially after dosing. I will try to keep it short, as an afterburner or such, to slow my ascent, or descent, depending on how you are looking at it, into days. All I can do is schedule and plan. Much simply either works or it doesn't. In spite of my action based nature, I have truly had to learn subtlety. I don't like it, but that is never the point. Life isn't about what I like. It is about doing what of what I must, and then want, as I can. What I like, quite often, usually, was abandoned on my way to being an adult. And... that isn't a fully bad thing. I get my childish moments in, when I can, though too. It just can't be the main, or even large majority. Just a dash of flavor, enjoying a ray of sunshine, smelling a flower, smiling about a pretty woman. Then back to it! Well, as I can.
Oh, yes, best feed the girls before they decide I am tasty enough or their newest scratching post. And on with the meds and stats. Hmm... and I am hungry. A bowl of rice with a little whipping cream? Sure.
But to get the day started correctly, how about a touch of music?
[lyrics and translation]
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
What to do with haiku?
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Okay. I don't know if I am ever quite ready to win. I never expect it. Sometimes I pull for a week, or a particular poem. Truth is, I often pull for other people's poems if I like them better. The thing is, if what I pulled for, in either measure, was a random horse at the race tracks, and I placed bets, I would have lost my shirt. So, when it rolls around I am almost always caught flat-footed. Of course, that is exactly how I like it. Or, that is what I keep telling myself. This was the poem chosen.
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Okay. I don't know if I am ever quite ready to win. I never expect it. Sometimes I pull for a week, or a particular poem. Truth is, I often pull for other people's poems if I like them better. The thing is, if what I pulled for, in either measure, was a random horse at the race tracks, and I placed bets, I would have lost my shirt. So, when it rolls around I am almost always caught flat-footed. Of course, that is exactly how I like it. Or, that is what I keep telling myself. This was the poem chosen.
snow kissing the ground
clouds caressing the mountains
love surrounds - just look
I do like this poem. But it seems so alien to me, as if another wrote it. I noticed, even while I was typing it, that... it was different. Not in a good or bad way, just... strange. Not me. Oh, never mind. Some things can't be explained.
I will get to thinking about the theme. I never do know what that will be, but like the poems themselves, it usually pops up. Simple is good. Complex can be interesting. Natural is the aim point but I never know. I'll be up Thursday or Friday with something. I hope even half play as did this last week. It sure makes it more difficult, but... easier too. The more, truly, the merrier.
Good night.
Haiku Monday - Passion
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It seems foam has won the contest. She is up with the contest.
I am just submitting one to start things. I might add another. I might be what is wrong with the contest, perhaps. Putting in too many might flood the market, suck the air out of the contest, or some such. Or... maybe it really is just too much for people who are moving on or too busy. It's worth a shot. I might put another one or two up here, in time. And transfer one over to the contest. Maybe. We will see.
The theme hit home with what happened tonight. I haven't known shame in a while, but certainly do now. I need to get a grip. So hard in this prison of flesh, with so little time to do so much, but I must. I think it is equally balanced to do this for others and for myself, to find wisdom, tranquility, peace. Even a terrible driver is not my enemy. It's not like this happens often, but it has been... creeping out. Anyway...
It is a more difficult attempting to write haiku one a day. Actually, I couldn't just do one today, two spilled out and there they are. I am tired though, and control slipped. I don't know, but I think they are better this way? It gives the muse time to rearrange thoughts, refresh the approach, breath a new breath of sight. But the muse is much more difficult to muster, time and again, especially when it is then muted after each session. Still, I hope you enjoy! Perhaps one more tomorrow.
Good night.
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It seems foam has won the contest. She is up with the contest.
I am just submitting one to start things. I might add another. I might be what is wrong with the contest, perhaps. Putting in too many might flood the market, suck the air out of the contest, or some such. Or... maybe it really is just too much for people who are moving on or too busy. It's worth a shot. I might put another one or two up here, in time. And transfer one over to the contest. Maybe. We will see.
The theme hit home with what happened tonight. I haven't known shame in a while, but certainly do now. I need to get a grip. So hard in this prison of flesh, with so little time to do so much, but I must. I think it is equally balanced to do this for others and for myself, to find wisdom, tranquility, peace. Even a terrible driver is not my enemy. It's not like this happens often, but it has been... creeping out. Anyway...
a curse or blessing
trapped in beastly nature
striving for wisdom
trapped in beastly nature
striving for wisdom
snow kissing the ground
clouds caressing the mountains
love surrounds - just look
hisses like a cat
loves like a hurricane ~ she
reminds me to live
brothers in arms - true
terrible and reckless - sure
more than kin - my life
elegance of flesh
touch, sight, sound, scent, taste, warm, wet
silk of the senses
It is a more difficult attempting to write haiku one a day. Actually, I couldn't just do one today, two spilled out and there they are. I am tired though, and control slipped. I don't know, but I think they are better this way? It gives the muse time to rearrange thoughts, refresh the approach, breath a new breath of sight. But the muse is much more difficult to muster, time and again, especially when it is then muted after each session. Still, I hope you enjoy! Perhaps one more tomorrow.
Good night.
Crazy?
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Well, that has been asserted. Not just locally or recently, mind you. Though I deal with things one event at a time I am going to take this one on as a class action suit. So, what is the prognosis?
There is always the possibility. In general discussions with Desert Cat, on a separate matter albeit, it was decided that he kept things more open for future consideration while I generally look at the data/patterns/sense of things in front of me, create a notion, then stick with that. I am always open to new, if relevant, information, and a revisit to my previous assertions. As to crazy? Of course. Now, I am not insane, merely mortal. And, yes, every single human on this planet is crazy, at the least. Oh? Oh yeah. What is your favorite color? Seriously. Just answer that, in your mind. Now... why? Even if you can come up with a rational reason to like, for me, electric to dark blue, that doesn't cut it. You are using some emotional reaction that even if you have an answer as well, does not make any sense whatsoever, and you are doing it with a straight face. There is no factual reason why one color, or shape, or form, or taste, would be better or worse than another in a completely objective world... which is the world of logic, thus sanity. You, my friend, are crazy too. Unless you think you can rationalize your craziness, then you are insane. If you act in violence about the notion, you are past crazy, through insane, and right into psychopathy. Hope you enjoyed the trip.
And while I do accept that I am crazy, I don't deny that there is reason and form given to my notions. Many of my very strong opinions, personal preferences, and such, aren't related just to what I like, but often to what I have literally found to help with survival in some sense or another, or which work, or have worked to this point. I don't care if I don't please a group of Wall Street lawyers, for example. I don't have the kind of money for which they might try to shake me down. Further, they aren't a physical threat. I do, generally, dress in a manner that would not draw attention to my person. Failing that, I dress in such a way that, if looked at by a predatory type, I would be seen as a threat to them, thus generally reducing my risk and possibly, in their mind, reversing roles. There is reason in my own personal madness. You? No, no worries, just asking.
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Well, that has been asserted. Not just locally or recently, mind you. Though I deal with things one event at a time I am going to take this one on as a class action suit. So, what is the prognosis?
That was distinctly not a nap.
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Down at... 7:46 so such, the alarm set for 10:00, and... *smack* out of the park. I do remember hearing the alarm at 10:00. I don't know exactly what thinking was going on. I do remember resetting the alarm for... noon? I think. I remember the alarm going off again, just not the time. I just could not wake or even reset the alarm again. I'm not sure when I actually woke. It's almost 14:00 now and I may have been up for an hour or as little as half an hour. I will be going to bed early tonight, even so, after supper arrives or pretty close to it. Yeah, probably medication.
Dreams. Tons of dreams. I'm not remembering any of them. I don't think they are all that wild, in the sense of wild imaginings. But they are full of contention. Oh, the adversarial nature of the world isn't a cause for heartburn for me. I just wrangle it until everything is settled to within satisfactory conditions. If a nail is stubbornly refusing to be hammered into place, I will gently, firmly, and frequently hit it again. That doesn't bother me. Again, again, again, I have no problem. Flush, that's all I ask, nothing else will do. *BaM* Repeat as necessary. I will win. So it wasn't a problem. The only problem I did have was that it seemed like I dreamed all my sleep away. Yeah, probably medication.
As troubling as medication is, I do believe in this stuff I am on. I have seen it get me to a very stable blood pressure, and living standard. I might not be able to do all that much, even so, but I shouldn't probably be able to be doing what I am. The doctors are psychotic. On one hand, they are surprised I am living on my own. On the other, they seem surprised that I am disabled. Well, which the hell is it!?! Perhaps there is a need for psychotropics, but it isn't for me. Heh. No, I'll keep trying to get to a therapeutic dose, and get things back in line, taking my lumps as I must. It might take a while, this part is not as easy as it sounds, but I know I can get there and I know, once stable, it was worth the effort.
It might not be much, but my little struggles give me some serious contention. And, for my part, I think that is good. I would still rather be figuring out new contraptions, or where the deer and elk are and how to bag one, or how to do something in a better, or more efficient, or faster, or smaller or larger way. Tinker. I love to tinker, with words, with ideas, with people, with myself, with items. It's what I do. Well, it's what I like to do. I'm a far better warrior than tinkerer. But my soft side is in tinkering. So, it's not a bad thing. It just isn't all that commercially viable to only be functionally able to tinker with myself. Uhrm... that... sounded maybe a bit wrong. But, you know what I mean so hush it.
Gosh I hate starting meds up, again, again. But... it does work, is worth the effort, and this time I really not only believe it, but know it. So... plug teh nose, chunk down the nasty pills, deal with the side effects, and hold teh breath until I surface again. Later.
Oh, I get the distinct feeling I have pissed off every woman within a five state region. Okay, I take that back. I'm thinking more like internationally. I'm good with that. It's one of my jobs. Even the women who like and agree, are getting crossfire anger from the sisterhood. Interesting to watch a woman who likes me begin to hate me "because" (because to not do so would leave her out at the lunch chat, etc, and who wants to go to the powder room alone!). Hehehe I like me. Good thing, cause I think it's a solo venture sometimes. :)
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Down at... 7:46 so such, the alarm set for 10:00, and... *smack* out of the park. I do remember hearing the alarm at 10:00. I don't know exactly what thinking was going on. I do remember resetting the alarm for... noon? I think. I remember the alarm going off again, just not the time. I just could not wake or even reset the alarm again. I'm not sure when I actually woke. It's almost 14:00 now and I may have been up for an hour or as little as half an hour. I will be going to bed early tonight, even so, after supper arrives or pretty close to it. Yeah, probably medication.
Dreams. Tons of dreams. I'm not remembering any of them. I don't think they are all that wild, in the sense of wild imaginings. But they are full of contention. Oh, the adversarial nature of the world isn't a cause for heartburn for me. I just wrangle it until everything is settled to within satisfactory conditions. If a nail is stubbornly refusing to be hammered into place, I will gently, firmly, and frequently hit it again. That doesn't bother me. Again, again, again, I have no problem. Flush, that's all I ask, nothing else will do. *BaM* Repeat as necessary. I will win. So it wasn't a problem. The only problem I did have was that it seemed like I dreamed all my sleep away. Yeah, probably medication.
As troubling as medication is, I do believe in this stuff I am on. I have seen it get me to a very stable blood pressure, and living standard. I might not be able to do all that much, even so, but I shouldn't probably be able to be doing what I am. The doctors are psychotic. On one hand, they are surprised I am living on my own. On the other, they seem surprised that I am disabled. Well, which the hell is it!?! Perhaps there is a need for psychotropics, but it isn't for me. Heh. No, I'll keep trying to get to a therapeutic dose, and get things back in line, taking my lumps as I must. It might take a while, this part is not as easy as it sounds, but I know I can get there and I know, once stable, it was worth the effort.
It might not be much, but my little struggles give me some serious contention. And, for my part, I think that is good. I would still rather be figuring out new contraptions, or where the deer and elk are and how to bag one, or how to do something in a better, or more efficient, or faster, or smaller or larger way. Tinker. I love to tinker, with words, with ideas, with people, with myself, with items. It's what I do. Well, it's what I like to do. I'm a far better warrior than tinkerer. But my soft side is in tinkering. So, it's not a bad thing. It just isn't all that commercially viable to only be functionally able to tinker with myself. Uhrm... that... sounded maybe a bit wrong. But, you know what I mean so hush it.
Gosh I hate starting meds up, again, again. But... it does work, is worth the effort, and this time I really not only believe it, but know it. So... plug teh nose, chunk down the nasty pills, deal with the side effects, and hold teh breath until I surface again. Later.
Oh, I get the distinct feeling I have pissed off every woman within a five state region. Okay, I take that back. I'm thinking more like internationally. I'm good with that. It's one of my jobs. Even the women who like and agree, are getting crossfire anger from the sisterhood. Interesting to watch a woman who likes me begin to hate me "because" (because to not do so would leave her out at the lunch chat, etc, and who wants to go to the powder room alone!). Hehehe I like me. Good thing, cause I think it's a solo venture sometimes. :)
Just helping you out.
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I get jazzed for posting as I do. On my blog, in comments, in general. I do so for a reason. Many actually, but... You do as you please. You have nothing to hide. I'm already as famous, or infamous, as I wish to be. You? Do you really want to be famous... or infamous?
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I get jazzed for posting as I do. On my blog, in comments, in general. I do so for a reason. Many actually, but... You do as you please. You have nothing to hide. I'm already as famous, or infamous, as I wish to be. You? Do you really want to be famous... or infamous?
Yes, yes, medicine.
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I couldn't get that arranged after arriving home. I was simply done. I even called and canceled dinner. It was nearly a 24 hour stint today, with travel, several destinations, and a bit of walking. I woke somewhere in the 22:00-23:00 range. I know I looked at the clock, and it just looked back. I saw the time and it went in the eyes and out the ears. It was a long pull, so I wasn't expecting much tonight.
Medicine, however, was on my mind. I tried to focus first thing, but that was a no go. I walked into the kitchen to begin, and... ended up back in front of the computer. I did shave something to drink though! There is that. Coffee. Strong coffee. I made more, I think. I did some other stuff, but not medicine. After an hour, and the girls begging to be fed, or something... the story is blurry... I set the alarm for several hours, to help me focus on figuring out medicines. That alarm went off. Probably was sounding the alarm for a while before I noticed. Not ready, not yet, my mind seemed to plead. Okay, says me to me, but I will set the alarm, and keep setting it, until 'we' are ready. Another hour, the alarm sounded, and I meant to shut it off and reset it. Which I did. But on the way out of the kitchen it just happened. I found myself sitting at the table, figuring out the pills.
No troubles. It is easy. I wanted to do it. Hmm. Never the worry. I set everything up. However, since carvedilol will probably be increased next Monday, I only set up enough of that for one week. The rest is set up for two weeks. I then took my first dose, again, again. Gah! Actually... I think the medicine has already done something, in the hours since ingesting. I was running at pretty high speeds in there. Just a bit of easing. The horses from my horsepower engine don't seem to be running quite so hot. This is a good thing. I doubt if my bp is lower. But the medicines have told it that a slowdown is coming, and things are gearing that way, if I had to guess. My body probably simply recognizes this new condition at this point.
Yeah, crazy, in a way. Why couldn't I do this all this last week? I've set the alarm, before, with this in mind. I've just been drifting, with neither drive, nor a course, nor an idea of even where I would go if I could. Sure, I did knock out dishes. Yeah, I have hit the kitchen. But those were reactions to visual and... olfactory... stimulants. While the cave still smells musty and a little... creepy... as probably most bachelor pads do, it has a much better overall appeal. A woman would be less likely to simply flee in terror. Hmm, I even hit the toilet with some cleaning, and the floor around it. I wonder if a urinal, a standing man one, would help? Gotta admit, men are pigs... in some ways. *oink* Good to be king, baby! (Yes, that pic is an extreme exaggeration, so shut the hush up!)
I think I am a bit done in by the trip. But I keep looking at the remainder of the kitchen. I have dirtied some dishes and a pot since my last cleaning. They have been soaked a time or two, so should be easy to clean. Clearing the counter tops and kitchen table has been an ongoing project. Then the floors will be dealt with. Maybe not today. But perhaps, or some of it. I keep looking for windows, small doors, even niches, from which to gain purchase into the realm of flesh, and pull myself to it. No, you don't understand. Although, if you want a close proximity, and to something you may have experienced, perhaps... sleep paralysis... You are fully awake but your body is not your own, not at your command. The difference is, my body is functional, and does it's thing, but it isn't me commanding. I can merely put in requests.
Later.
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I couldn't get that arranged after arriving home. I was simply done. I even called and canceled dinner. It was nearly a 24 hour stint today, with travel, several destinations, and a bit of walking. I woke somewhere in the 22:00-23:00 range. I know I looked at the clock, and it just looked back. I saw the time and it went in the eyes and out the ears. It was a long pull, so I wasn't expecting much tonight.
Later.
Monday, November 18, 2013
The trip worked.
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The doctors didn't think my medicinal stoppage was all that keen. Blood pressure was up to 210/141. Fine. But I explained that it was just... a thing, not a choice or new direction. Living on my own... check. Health is poor... check. Medicines temporarily exacerbate the situation... check. It does make sense. I am simply not always free to do my will. If I were, I wouldn't be spending my time at home. I would either be out doing things I want to do, back in school, exploring additional revenue streams, or in a job. So they have put me back on medicine, at half the dose I had worked up to with carvedilol, the rest at full speed as I had been doing, and wanted to see me in a week.
The intern was intent on getting me on blood thinners, since I had a "history" of arrhythmia. I was trying to remember where I had heard that before, after he said it the first time. When he came back the next time I remembered. It was that pesky femoNP who had pronounced this heretofore undiagnosed condition. In spite of being seen at the heart clinic for years, and them not catching it, and not catching it today while listening specifically for it, I suggested the diagnosis was bogus. The intern kept wanting to add a blood thinner. The senior doctor looked and me and already knew the answer. So he handled the pup, didn't even bring the topic up, and that was that. Good to be king... and at least somewhat understood, and heard, even without words.
They may mock my blog, what I have to say, and the rest. But in person? Not so much. More, they know I know they look. Well, some of them. *grins* I don't think the intern had a clue. Then again... the lads balls may not have dropped yet. A common problem for those in the medical and academic fields. Sometimes they never drop, especially these young ones. Probably sit to pee too. Ha!
Afterward, I decided there was enough time for a meal. I remember a breakfast place I liked and... roughly headed that way. Having been up all night, mostly, and not remembering exactly where it was... it's been a few years since I last visited... I tried, again, to use my smartphone as a guide. After several failures trying to get it to work on the fly, without instructions, I was able to get it to work this time. After breakfast, I decided to head to where I meant to go for my personal task. Closed.
I was invited back next week, and I said I would be there. Blood tests, again, as usual. No problem. They weren't sure if I would come back, if I could. I am pretty sure I can. I just need to be sure to get my medicines started. Not right before I go to bed, but in the "morning". As well, with a week to check on things, I am hoping to find a "shop" I have been seeking, one that will definitely be open, and at a time that works. Some seem to be open early, as in 7:00. While that would make it tight getting to the hospital and blood draw by 8:30, it might have to do. Other "shop" seemed to be open at noon. I'll be making some calls. As well, I will be checking my finances to see if snow shoes are this or next month.
Bedtime, I do believe. It's hitting 24 hours up. You know, I get the distinct feeling that doctors are used to me being compliant, from exhaustion. They think they can still tinker with me. They are frustrated that I don't let them run the show, basically telling them to piss off about some things, including androgen medications, blood thinners I don't need, and oh... returning the bogus diagnosis sleep apnea device next week. It didn't help the two months I used it. And the last week or two of use, I was blowing the face piece off, causing me to have ruinous sleep. I think they are just trying to supply vets with unneeded supplies and devices as a part of the "stimulus". Then again, I am not sure they believe I even have a problem. They always question it, even knowing the heart is bad? The V.A. is what you will be getting when Zerocare is fully implemented, so don't laugh. But if you do fix Zerocare, would you mind fixing the V.A. while you are at it? Pretty please?
Later.
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The doctors didn't think my medicinal stoppage was all that keen. Blood pressure was up to 210/141. Fine. But I explained that it was just... a thing, not a choice or new direction. Living on my own... check. Health is poor... check. Medicines temporarily exacerbate the situation... check. It does make sense. I am simply not always free to do my will. If I were, I wouldn't be spending my time at home. I would either be out doing things I want to do, back in school, exploring additional revenue streams, or in a job. So they have put me back on medicine, at half the dose I had worked up to with carvedilol, the rest at full speed as I had been doing, and wanted to see me in a week.
The intern was intent on getting me on blood thinners, since I had a "history" of arrhythmia. I was trying to remember where I had heard that before, after he said it the first time. When he came back the next time I remembered. It was that pesky femoNP who had pronounced this heretofore undiagnosed condition. In spite of being seen at the heart clinic for years, and them not catching it, and not catching it today while listening specifically for it, I suggested the diagnosis was bogus. The intern kept wanting to add a blood thinner. The senior doctor looked and me and already knew the answer. So he handled the pup, didn't even bring the topic up, and that was that. Good to be king... and at least somewhat understood, and heard, even without words.
They may mock my blog, what I have to say, and the rest. But in person? Not so much. More, they know I know they look. Well, some of them. *grins* I don't think the intern had a clue. Then again... the lads balls may not have dropped yet. A common problem for those in the medical and academic fields. Sometimes they never drop, especially these young ones. Probably sit to pee too. Ha!
Afterward, I decided there was enough time for a meal. I remember a breakfast place I liked and... roughly headed that way. Having been up all night, mostly, and not remembering exactly where it was... it's been a few years since I last visited... I tried, again, to use my smartphone as a guide. After several failures trying to get it to work on the fly, without instructions, I was able to get it to work this time. After breakfast, I decided to head to where I meant to go for my personal task. Closed.
I was invited back next week, and I said I would be there. Blood tests, again, as usual. No problem. They weren't sure if I would come back, if I could. I am pretty sure I can. I just need to be sure to get my medicines started. Not right before I go to bed, but in the "morning". As well, with a week to check on things, I am hoping to find a "shop" I have been seeking, one that will definitely be open, and at a time that works. Some seem to be open early, as in 7:00. While that would make it tight getting to the hospital and blood draw by 8:30, it might have to do. Other "shop" seemed to be open at noon. I'll be making some calls. As well, I will be checking my finances to see if snow shoes are this or next month.
Bedtime, I do believe. It's hitting 24 hours up. You know, I get the distinct feeling that doctors are used to me being compliant, from exhaustion. They think they can still tinker with me. They are frustrated that I don't let them run the show, basically telling them to piss off about some things, including androgen medications, blood thinners I don't need, and oh... returning the bogus diagnosis sleep apnea device next week. It didn't help the two months I used it. And the last week or two of use, I was blowing the face piece off, causing me to have ruinous sleep. I think they are just trying to supply vets with unneeded supplies and devices as a part of the "stimulus". Then again, I am not sure they believe I even have a problem. They always question it, even knowing the heart is bad? The V.A. is what you will be getting when Zerocare is fully implemented, so don't laugh. But if you do fix Zerocare, would you mind fixing the V.A. while you are at it? Pretty please?
Later.
On a midnight weary.
.
.
Have you ever just been sitting somewhere, doing your own thing, and had something... someone... touch your soul? It wasn't my mind that was touched. Many emotions, but coherent thoughts, too, were sensed. No anger, or other dark emotions, or at least not focused at me. Many emotions of all sorts, about many things though. I was merely a lightening rod, not the intended target, or perhaps even considered, mostly.
Is what I was, and am, or how things work, fair? Not particularly. Everybody has their moments, good and bad. We make our choices and then live with the consequences. Sometimes, when we don't like the outcome, we double down, and keep going until we can only claim debt, of one sort or other. Some are natively able to survive and recover. Others cannot.
.
Have you ever just been sitting somewhere, doing your own thing, and had something... someone... touch your soul? It wasn't my mind that was touched. Many emotions, but coherent thoughts, too, were sensed. No anger, or other dark emotions, or at least not focused at me. Many emotions of all sorts, about many things though. I was merely a lightening rod, not the intended target, or perhaps even considered, mostly.
Is what I was, and am, or how things work, fair? Not particularly. Everybody has their moments, good and bad. We make our choices and then live with the consequences. Sometimes, when we don't like the outcome, we double down, and keep going until we can only claim debt, of one sort or other. Some are natively able to survive and recover. Others cannot.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Reality and feminism collide.
.
.
While focus is stuck on a couple of issues of late there are issues that are being completely missed or glossed over. Sure, Obamacare is a huge problem. Economically for all, politically for some, and personally for millions of others and just at this point. It could be seen as the masterpiece of this regime, though I think that would be taking the short view. The true masterpiece is the gutting of the American economy and the attempt at wresting control from the usual gang of thieves and putting it the hands of a different smaller gang of thieves. It isn't working well. It never does. Unless you are in the gang.
The headlines spew lies like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The claim is that there is a 7.x% unemployment rate. What is ignored are the numbers of people who have been functionally unemployed for a long term, many of whom have stopped seeking work. The number of unemployed people in the general population hasn't been this low in decades, or more. The other group that is being ignored are the part time employees who seek full time employment. Obamacare does impact these numbers. The law supports part time and temporary work. It also keeps employees off balance. No one wants to hire even one other person because they don't know how much that person will end up costing them after the smoke has cleared. Or, honestly, they do know and cannot afford to hire. But Obamacare is not the real problem, it is just part of a systemic attack on the American economy by it's own government.
Oh, by the way, extended unemployment benefits are up for review soon. And the sequester cut, what, the payments by 60% or so? Yeah...
One can theorize as to the reasons for the attack. I have heard it considered that this is to make all workers, around the world, live at a standard of living and average wage, which would allow companies to migrate without issue. This admin wouldn't do this for companies, but perhaps with a belief that America owes the rest of the world an equal opportunity. Others believe that it is a direct assault on America's dominance in so many fields, or that by reducing wealth held in America and damaging the medical field, that shorter lives can be developed, hoping that if Americans are seen to die younger the rest of the world would follow. Many elites believe there are simply too many people. Some thoughts seem downright crazy, until you look at the numbers and actions. Our government is being used against us, that, regardless of theory, is obvious to me.
Ah, but feminism? An outdated tool of Stalin, to be honest, but quite functional for the moment. It still has it's uses in keeping women free from husbands and children, in work instead of family, out of the church, and independent. While it is still useful it is no longer being supported. The economy has collapsed to the point where there is no support for it, save in law. Here is a story about a 50-something woman, single, educated, worked since she was 15 (she says), now with nothing. Living as a guest, for a few weeks at a time, moving around, trying to find work, and having lost everything to this point.
Did feminists ever think it would ever end differently? Did they believe Lenin, Stalin, or even Putin, was on their side. Did they believe their forced allowance into capitalism would do anything but destroy their futures? It was bad enough seeing 30-something single women begin almost begging for husbands, having spoiled themselves on lovers (who would not accept them for more, as if they wanted it), now begging for... anyone. But to see the 50-somethings, with nothing, and no one? It is sad. But it had to end this way.
I still have some hope for America, depending on what she decides to do with Obamacare, and the rest of this enemy president's actions. But there will be costs. There will be wounds. Some things are lost. The real question is will America go to Detroit levels, or will, like Omaha and a few others, decide to pull out and thrive? That I don't know. Either way, it will take some hard work to make the ship seaworthy again. Either that or we turn into a third-world ruin. It is a choice, even now... perhaps.
.
While focus is stuck on a couple of issues of late there are issues that are being completely missed or glossed over. Sure, Obamacare is a huge problem. Economically for all, politically for some, and personally for millions of others and just at this point. It could be seen as the masterpiece of this regime, though I think that would be taking the short view. The true masterpiece is the gutting of the American economy and the attempt at wresting control from the usual gang of thieves and putting it the hands of a different smaller gang of thieves. It isn't working well. It never does. Unless you are in the gang.
The headlines spew lies like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The claim is that there is a 7.x% unemployment rate. What is ignored are the numbers of people who have been functionally unemployed for a long term, many of whom have stopped seeking work. The number of unemployed people in the general population hasn't been this low in decades, or more. The other group that is being ignored are the part time employees who seek full time employment. Obamacare does impact these numbers. The law supports part time and temporary work. It also keeps employees off balance. No one wants to hire even one other person because they don't know how much that person will end up costing them after the smoke has cleared. Or, honestly, they do know and cannot afford to hire. But Obamacare is not the real problem, it is just part of a systemic attack on the American economy by it's own government.
Oh, by the way, extended unemployment benefits are up for review soon. And the sequester cut, what, the payments by 60% or so? Yeah...
One can theorize as to the reasons for the attack. I have heard it considered that this is to make all workers, around the world, live at a standard of living and average wage, which would allow companies to migrate without issue. This admin wouldn't do this for companies, but perhaps with a belief that America owes the rest of the world an equal opportunity. Others believe that it is a direct assault on America's dominance in so many fields, or that by reducing wealth held in America and damaging the medical field, that shorter lives can be developed, hoping that if Americans are seen to die younger the rest of the world would follow. Many elites believe there are simply too many people. Some thoughts seem downright crazy, until you look at the numbers and actions. Our government is being used against us, that, regardless of theory, is obvious to me.
Ah, but feminism? An outdated tool of Stalin, to be honest, but quite functional for the moment. It still has it's uses in keeping women free from husbands and children, in work instead of family, out of the church, and independent. While it is still useful it is no longer being supported. The economy has collapsed to the point where there is no support for it, save in law. Here is a story about a 50-something woman, single, educated, worked since she was 15 (she says), now with nothing. Living as a guest, for a few weeks at a time, moving around, trying to find work, and having lost everything to this point.
Did feminists ever think it would ever end differently? Did they believe Lenin, Stalin, or even Putin, was on their side. Did they believe their forced allowance into capitalism would do anything but destroy their futures? It was bad enough seeing 30-something single women begin almost begging for husbands, having spoiled themselves on lovers (who would not accept them for more, as if they wanted it), now begging for... anyone. But to see the 50-somethings, with nothing, and no one? It is sad. But it had to end this way.
I still have some hope for America, depending on what she decides to do with Obamacare, and the rest of this enemy president's actions. But there will be costs. There will be wounds. Some things are lost. The real question is will America go to Detroit levels, or will, like Omaha and a few others, decide to pull out and thrive? That I don't know. Either way, it will take some hard work to make the ship seaworthy again. Either that or we turn into a third-world ruin. It is a choice, even now... perhaps.
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