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Wednesday, December 18, 2013
My last haiku contest and going private.
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I have enjoyed haiku. It fits. And, for the most part, I have enjoyed the company, for my part. But it is time to take my blog completely out of the public view. I have done what I thought would keep it private. I made it so that posts weren't found by web searches (supposedly), I tried not to advert, and when I comment, if I could avoid it I didn't add a link to my blog. I didn't sell, shooed off blog package sellers, save in another place where I blog, but that is more like a (loosely) conservative consortium of bloggers. It was only ever meant to be a diary. I couldn't, and still can't, imagine why anyone reads. Some believe the story when they should be believing else, or don't believe the story when it's true. Some don't like the truth, and don't want to understand their part, or mine, or why I would play a part. I am not a babysitter. I am not a negotiator. And this is my diary I have, mistakenly it seems, allowed others to read. No great worries, I even code things in my mind, from or for myself... depending, then code them further when they go to print. But coded code about esoteria... is too complex for most, and never quite comes out in forms that are pretty, even when decoded, unlocked, and actually understood. Actually, it is learning to do that which is the ugliest of it all. Learning to understand. I understand ivory towers, the pentagon, monasteries and nunneries, and such. It's an ugly business, life, at times. The world, at large, is not ready to understand, or even to begin understanding how to understand.
I will be staying public for about another week. If you read here, and want to continue doing so, email me. Some of you long-time readers, I won't ask why, I will just allow. But if I don't know you, I want to know why you wish to read. I am not asking for a 10-page essay, though that would be nice. *smirk* I neither need, nor want, your full name, social, and three contacts. I don't care. I am merely asking what your interest is. Curiosity? Because you disagree and want proof for the trial to hang me? You are a therapist and doing a case file? You are a hellion and want to figure out my defenses and attacks. Why are you reading here, and why should I let you continue to read here. I really don't care, on the one hand. I just need some sign of life and thought.
I have three, you know who you are, emails to add to my privacy profile. I will need a Google email address to add if you wish to join. If you have a google blog, or some other google account, you have a google email. Just look for it, if you didn't know. It's there somewhere. Heck, google it, or use some other search engine, to figure out how to find your email address. It's... in there.
I may track haiku, and do my own posts, but I won't be joining the game anymore. Simply because I won't be able to host to a private blog and blogging via another person's blog is... tedious at best. I can't change the questions if the answers are coming too fast and easy! Some of you are clever indeed. Yeah, I cheat. I also fight dirty, when I have to, or want to and must win. I even love dirty. But it's all in good clean fun. Well, that last is true if you come to some understandings, that is.
My secrets must, for the most part, remain just that. It's not that I can't take the light of day, merely that I don't prefer it when it isn't pure or clean or understanding of some things that are true. Well, and the light of day can't take me, not man's weak light. Let those who seek, find. I find it in real life, as... much as that is possible.
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Haiku Monday ~ (A Twist of) Fate
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N. Hatch is up with the contest and theme for this week here. The theme is quite the mind twister. I am so very tired, with much to do yet... Then again, I don't think I will be able to get to much. As usual of late. Especially after getting out today. *zap* So... I'll try to comply. Now. Wouch! The woman might be a noob to haiku, but a) she won, b) she does research so deeply that for my part I am thinking a root canal would be preferable, and c) she got some glitter to her. I'll say it again. Wouch!
Hmm... the theme... that is ticklish, intricate, not for hammers... probably. Tweezers, a microscope or telescope (a big one), a scalpel, perhaps an particle accelerator, and at most a jewelers hammer as might be used to cut a potentially perfect giant raw diamond. Well, and perhaps a few other things, of the mind mind you. Yes, tricky. Let me stop... procrastinating with fancy notions and... take a look. The limit is two, so... here.
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N. Hatch is up with the contest and theme for this week here. The theme is quite the mind twister. I am so very tired, with much to do yet... Then again, I don't think I will be able to get to much. As usual of late. Especially after getting out today. *zap* So... I'll try to comply. Now. Wouch! The woman might be a noob to haiku, but a) she won, b) she does research so deeply that for my part I am thinking a root canal would be preferable, and c) she got some glitter to her. I'll say it again. Wouch!
Hmm... the theme... that is ticklish, intricate, not for hammers... probably. Tweezers, a microscope or telescope (a big one), a scalpel, perhaps an particle accelerator, and at most a jewelers hammer as might be used to cut a potentially perfect giant raw diamond. Well, and perhaps a few other things, of the mind mind you. Yes, tricky. Let me stop... procrastinating with fancy notions and... take a look. The limit is two, so... here.
True Story
he ran, lifted, svelte
he ate right, he lived well, tops
exercise killed him
'Nother True Story :p
beautiful berries
destroyed by those awful birds ~
seed in new places
I am writing more, but just for here. Two is the limit, and for good reason. Besides, I have noted that if I go past, say, four or five I begin repeating anyway. So... these are just for here and me, really.
there once was a man
from Nantucket who could not
rhyme- just took some time
I am writing more, but just for here. Two is the limit, and for good reason. Besides, I have noted that if I go past, say, four or five I begin repeating anyway. So... these are just for here and me, really.
Some Are Slower Than Others
from Nantucket who could not
rhyme- just took some time
Twist Indeed
the sword unsheathed -shickkk
the cut swift, judicious, clean
honor saved life lost
mother short ~ dad tall
mix and match ~ who gets which genes
tall(er) - is that good?
Sometimes it is easy.
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Sometimes, though, staying up to kick the clock around is akin to a knee in the quads, and at speed. I made it to SLC the other day, and was up all day. Yesterday? Wow, I can't remember. I think I woke at 15:30 or so. But when did I go to bed? Nothing. No idea. Not sure if I posted, I'll check. The goal is simple. To stay awake as long into the day as I can. There is an event Sunday I would like to attend. I may have to tripfuck my system to make it. I see it, like a knight sees the target for his lance at 40 horse paces but coming fast. Faster. Too fast, when it is time to hit, to know. Either the training sees the tip to the mark or it will be missed because the human system simply isn't that consciously capable. Time will tell.
Ah, right, medicines have been missed the last few days. The trip messed me up, being that it was technically during my sleep cycle. And then I tripped today from exhaustion due to the appointment and drive. When I wake in the "morning" I will start again. It happens. A few days isn't too big of a deal. I have a working scale now, again. I found my diabetes tester. And the area for taking my bp is pretty much operational. I need to start checking those things, at least a few times a week. Every day checking is nonsense.
I did wash some, perhaps have, of the dishes, pots, and pans tonight, then promptly dirtied a pot and dish. All good. I get to cook when I clean. When I finish all dishes, I can take several meats out to thaw. No use trying to use that as incentive because it fails and meat goes bad. Too expensive to goof with that. Laundry, dishes, medicine, stats... that is the goal for "tomorrow" (technically today, but there will be a sleep cycle in there... when I crash). Actually... I don't think I'm going to make it much longer. Gah!
Good "night".
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Sometimes, though, staying up to kick the clock around is akin to a knee in the quads, and at speed. I made it to SLC the other day, and was up all day. Yesterday? Wow, I can't remember. I think I woke at 15:30 or so. But when did I go to bed? Nothing. No idea. Not sure if I posted, I'll check. The goal is simple. To stay awake as long into the day as I can. There is an event Sunday I would like to attend. I may have to tripfuck my system to make it. I see it, like a knight sees the target for his lance at 40 horse paces but coming fast. Faster. Too fast, when it is time to hit, to know. Either the training sees the tip to the mark or it will be missed because the human system simply isn't that consciously capable. Time will tell.
Ah, right, medicines have been missed the last few days. The trip messed me up, being that it was technically during my sleep cycle. And then I tripped today from exhaustion due to the appointment and drive. When I wake in the "morning" I will start again. It happens. A few days isn't too big of a deal. I have a working scale now, again. I found my diabetes tester. And the area for taking my bp is pretty much operational. I need to start checking those things, at least a few times a week. Every day checking is nonsense.
I did wash some, perhaps have, of the dishes, pots, and pans tonight, then promptly dirtied a pot and dish. All good. I get to cook when I clean. When I finish all dishes, I can take several meats out to thaw. No use trying to use that as incentive because it fails and meat goes bad. Too expensive to goof with that. Laundry, dishes, medicine, stats... that is the goal for "tomorrow" (technically today, but there will be a sleep cycle in there... when I crash). Actually... I don't think I'm going to make it much longer. Gah!
Good "night".
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Trying to push over the day, since it slipped anyway.
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Between something slipping away from me, an early appointment with uncertainty surrounding it, and some other things, I saw that days were slipping, so I kicked that ball for all it was worth. I have moved my schedule, in a few days, half a day. Oh, there will be a price. It is just like when you get a treat, and want to conserve but don't, and you end up with a bellyache. Yeah, well, I get something more mental, call it psychic dissonance. A reverberation from the change in time. It's like stacking sleep schedules for each hour, as if they were the regular day and for forever, onto each other, then compressing them into a psychic cookie and eating it. Ego reflux, when I do it too fast. Still, that's my goal. Hmm, I wonder if a glass of ether milk might help?
While waking, at about 15:00, I started to wake anyway, I checked the time. It was actually 13:08. But later I realized... I only dreamed looking at the clock, even if that was the right time. I can't see my clock that way unless I was to stand on my bed and look down. I assure you, I was not standing on my bed when doing that. I don't stand on beds. I just don't. It always bugs me when I dream something, and it's right. I didn't actually wake up until about 13:12, so... yeah... I suspect that was the time. Just weird stuff Doom must endure. I don't even try to guess how it all works these days.
What to do today? Dunno. But after returning from the teeth shop, I did put the dishes to a soak, so a revisit of those might be good. And, perhaps, finishing up a bit of laundry and doing a little work in the kitchen wouldn't be all bad. Not much, I just don't have it. But with just a bit going, I will use it before I shut down again, if that is going to happen. I'm just in the doldrums and I can't tell when, or if, the wind will pick up at any moment. But if there is even a slight breeze I desparately try to set my sails. I will use every ounce of energy I have even if it moves me the equivalent of a football field length in an ocean sized playing field. I want to get to shore.
No, no beer. No Vodka. Not even a snifter of scotch. I just didn't have it in me to sip. The want was there, the will was not. If both are there, a glass or two. If one is overpowering, perhaps a case or fifth or both and then some. No, not this time, or now. I actually avoid the stuff anymore, when I can. Usually. It has it's uses though.
Later.
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Between something slipping away from me, an early appointment with uncertainty surrounding it, and some other things, I saw that days were slipping, so I kicked that ball for all it was worth. I have moved my schedule, in a few days, half a day. Oh, there will be a price. It is just like when you get a treat, and want to conserve but don't, and you end up with a bellyache. Yeah, well, I get something more mental, call it psychic dissonance. A reverberation from the change in time. It's like stacking sleep schedules for each hour, as if they were the regular day and for forever, onto each other, then compressing them into a psychic cookie and eating it. Ego reflux, when I do it too fast. Still, that's my goal. Hmm, I wonder if a glass of ether milk might help?
While waking, at about 15:00, I started to wake anyway, I checked the time. It was actually 13:08. But later I realized... I only dreamed looking at the clock, even if that was the right time. I can't see my clock that way unless I was to stand on my bed and look down. I assure you, I was not standing on my bed when doing that. I don't stand on beds. I just don't. It always bugs me when I dream something, and it's right. I didn't actually wake up until about 13:12, so... yeah... I suspect that was the time. Just weird stuff Doom must endure. I don't even try to guess how it all works these days.
What to do today? Dunno. But after returning from the teeth shop, I did put the dishes to a soak, so a revisit of those might be good. And, perhaps, finishing up a bit of laundry and doing a little work in the kitchen wouldn't be all bad. Not much, I just don't have it. But with just a bit going, I will use it before I shut down again, if that is going to happen. I'm just in the doldrums and I can't tell when, or if, the wind will pick up at any moment. But if there is even a slight breeze I desparately try to set my sails. I will use every ounce of energy I have even if it moves me the equivalent of a football field length in an ocean sized playing field. I want to get to shore.
No, no beer. No Vodka. Not even a snifter of scotch. I just didn't have it in me to sip. The want was there, the will was not. If both are there, a glass or two. If one is overpowering, perhaps a case or fifth or both and then some. No, not this time, or now. I actually avoid the stuff anymore, when I can. Usually. It has it's uses though.
Later.
Organic vegetarian diets, with a side of holistic living.
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Yeah, that isn't my plan. Ever seen a picture of East Germany, before and after. Russia has been third worldish nearly it's whole history. It just that, at one time, most everywhere was like that. The West worked their way out, Russia, while at times on the upward side of the third world, never did succeed in advancing, so you can't really compare. Anyway, if you want to see the difference between two 51 year old women who choose totally different lifestyles, and compare the outcomes, go here.
I did have to laugh. At first I thought the first photo was showing that Ann Coulter had been tricking us, or had somehow suddenly aged 20 years. It was a fun little notion, not that I don't care for Ms. Coulter, nor do I particularly favor her. I suppose she is as conservative as a woman can get, or was, or... whatever. Especially a single woman. But... can a conservative woman truly be an old maid? Never mind, word and thought scrambles as I head to sleep.
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Yeah, that isn't my plan. Ever seen a picture of East Germany, before and after. Russia has been third worldish nearly it's whole history. It just that, at one time, most everywhere was like that. The West worked their way out, Russia, while at times on the upward side of the third world, never did succeed in advancing, so you can't really compare. Anyway, if you want to see the difference between two 51 year old women who choose totally different lifestyles, and compare the outcomes, go here.
I did have to laugh. At first I thought the first photo was showing that Ann Coulter had been tricking us, or had somehow suddenly aged 20 years. It was a fun little notion, not that I don't care for Ms. Coulter, nor do I particularly favor her. I suppose she is as conservative as a woman can get, or was, or... whatever. Especially a single woman. But... can a conservative woman truly be an old maid? Never mind, word and thought scrambles as I head to sleep.
Mood music.
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It's not been a bad day, or good. Not prophetic or insightful. Just a day. And, no, this doesn't mean I am down or bummed, or pleased and happy. It's just, after a minor roller coaster of a day, from giddy to slightly ticklish, this is where I am at this moment.
I will never suggest war is grand. It isn't good. It has it's purposes, if those meanings can be lost to us as participants or spectators, at times. But there is an ugly elegance, a course high art, to the function, and even form, of war. Like anything rich, and war being a blood sausage of mind and soul it is quite rich, smaller bites and rare consumption is advised. There is, for this like all things, a time for it. For now, for me, here, just... thoughts.
If you like it sweet. If you have a fret of blood. If hard things are not your style... Go play elsewhere. You have been warned.
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It's not been a bad day, or good. Not prophetic or insightful. Just a day. And, no, this doesn't mean I am down or bummed, or pleased and happy. It's just, after a minor roller coaster of a day, from giddy to slightly ticklish, this is where I am at this moment.
I will never suggest war is grand. It isn't good. It has it's purposes, if those meanings can be lost to us as participants or spectators, at times. But there is an ugly elegance, a course high art, to the function, and even form, of war. Like anything rich, and war being a blood sausage of mind and soul it is quite rich, smaller bites and rare consumption is advised. There is, for this like all things, a time for it. For now, for me, here, just... thoughts.
If you like it sweet. If you have a fret of blood. If hard things are not your style... Go play elsewhere. You have been warned.
Monday, December 16, 2013
I just read.
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Peter O'toole died Saturday. I am trying to find the hour of his death. My post was written at 2:25, or posted at that time, Saturday. Now, there would be a huge translation of time, due to him dying in London, but... I can assure you I did not know, through mechanical means. Nor, honestly, did I suspect. Actually, that post wrote itself. The pieces just fell into place. I didn't honestly go seeking pieces for it. I didn't want to write it, either. I can't explain that part to you. I don't always like my work. Coincidence, of course.
By the way, while I can play other music and vids, I seem to have a great problem playing those first two videos. There is some sort of interference. I also had my security suites turned off on my computer and had to do a little techy detective work to get them working again. Not sure what is going on, but... that post seems to have hit some nerves. All I'm saying there. I thought it might be my post, but even going to YouTube, those videos would play very erratically. People don't like some things. I finally downloaded the vids, so I can... replay at my leisure. I wonder if anyone else has problems with those vids?
Just... grumbling in, and at, the dark. Later.
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Peter O'toole died Saturday. I am trying to find the hour of his death. My post was written at 2:25, or posted at that time, Saturday. Now, there would be a huge translation of time, due to him dying in London, but... I can assure you I did not know, through mechanical means. Nor, honestly, did I suspect. Actually, that post wrote itself. The pieces just fell into place. I didn't honestly go seeking pieces for it. I didn't want to write it, either. I can't explain that part to you. I don't always like my work. Coincidence, of course.
By the way, while I can play other music and vids, I seem to have a great problem playing those first two videos. There is some sort of interference. I also had my security suites turned off on my computer and had to do a little techy detective work to get them working again. Not sure what is going on, but... that post seems to have hit some nerves. All I'm saying there. I thought it might be my post, but even going to YouTube, those videos would play very erratically. People don't like some things. I finally downloaded the vids, so I can... replay at my leisure. I wonder if anyone else has problems with those vids?
Just... grumbling in, and at, the dark. Later.
Yeah, well... I did make it.
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Pushing it. I did everything needed to get there. Laundry was... in dire straights, sort of. That has mostly been managed. The trash and recycling wasn't terribly necessary, save to straighten up in here a bit. Well, and to have extra space for my neighbor. I am almost sure they will need it. But that was important, and he said so. Hey, give me orders. When I can follow them, it does add impetus. The girls were fed, extra I think but they were begging. The cat litter pan needing to be changed was at least emptied. I was pushing things and on too little sleep, plus hoping I had heard the woman correctly.
The appointment was, indeed, at 7:30. I made it with just 15 minutes to spare. But driving was relaxing today, in spite of having to stop for gas, and never knowing how traffic will be, so not being able to be sure about timing. Traffic was perfect until 6:30 exactly. Then the low load interstate turned into the middle of the Indy 500 pack. I was too tired to fuss. I just picked a moderately middling speed lane and followed. I forgot my tooth brush and paste, of course. But the ladies at the front desk had a few supplies when I queried.
Teeth? Fine. I was told my gums and teeth are very good for my age, especially for my health. The same song and dance about quitting chewing, but I told them my brother quit and is losing his teeth. He says there is no scientific data correlating the two. Yeah, well, there isn't scientific data correlating parents always being right either, but it's best not to test that. And, actually, there is zero physical evidence for God. Oh, there is stuff in there... it's in there... but it's not direct proof or evidence. You can't see it without, sort of, looking at the big picture... through a microscope. Do enough slides and... pop. But I didn't argue. He has been indoctrinated and it is all he knows. Yes, I believe there is a direct, substantial, set of data. What isn't hidden isn't researched. Still...
Oh, and I have been brushing twice a day. For the last few weeks. I don't, usually, brush. I really didn't want him to... say more about what I should be doing. He was a nice enough fellow. No complaints. Though I was a little surprised that he knew about my other health issues. Usually they segregate information, or used to do so. He is having me come in for a cleaning. There is some plaque, but only a bit and on the backs of my teeth. Considering I haven't been seen for several years, and don't brush? Come on, that's extraordinary. Especially with a bad heart. Still... I do worry about the teeth. As with animals, when those go... it's a bad sign... or good one if you are old enough. Outliving your teeth? :p
I could only do one shopping stop on the way home, and grab a bite to eat. I am done. I will have to sack out for a bit. I would like it to be a nap but I don't think so. I will set the alarm to be up for supper, and if I can rise before that, cool. But... I pushed. Now my body is pushing back.
Good night.
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Pushing it. I did everything needed to get there. Laundry was... in dire straights, sort of. That has mostly been managed. The trash and recycling wasn't terribly necessary, save to straighten up in here a bit. Well, and to have extra space for my neighbor. I am almost sure they will need it. But that was important, and he said so. Hey, give me orders. When I can follow them, it does add impetus. The girls were fed, extra I think but they were begging. The cat litter pan needing to be changed was at least emptied. I was pushing things and on too little sleep, plus hoping I had heard the woman correctly.
The appointment was, indeed, at 7:30. I made it with just 15 minutes to spare. But driving was relaxing today, in spite of having to stop for gas, and never knowing how traffic will be, so not being able to be sure about timing. Traffic was perfect until 6:30 exactly. Then the low load interstate turned into the middle of the Indy 500 pack. I was too tired to fuss. I just picked a moderately middling speed lane and followed. I forgot my tooth brush and paste, of course. But the ladies at the front desk had a few supplies when I queried.
Teeth? Fine. I was told my gums and teeth are very good for my age, especially for my health. The same song and dance about quitting chewing, but I told them my brother quit and is losing his teeth. He says there is no scientific data correlating the two. Yeah, well, there isn't scientific data correlating parents always being right either, but it's best not to test that. And, actually, there is zero physical evidence for God. Oh, there is stuff in there... it's in there... but it's not direct proof or evidence. You can't see it without, sort of, looking at the big picture... through a microscope. Do enough slides and... pop. But I didn't argue. He has been indoctrinated and it is all he knows. Yes, I believe there is a direct, substantial, set of data. What isn't hidden isn't researched. Still...
Oh, and I have been brushing twice a day. For the last few weeks. I don't, usually, brush. I really didn't want him to... say more about what I should be doing. He was a nice enough fellow. No complaints. Though I was a little surprised that he knew about my other health issues. Usually they segregate information, or used to do so. He is having me come in for a cleaning. There is some plaque, but only a bit and on the backs of my teeth. Considering I haven't been seen for several years, and don't brush? Come on, that's extraordinary. Especially with a bad heart. Still... I do worry about the teeth. As with animals, when those go... it's a bad sign... or good one if you are old enough. Outliving your teeth? :p
I could only do one shopping stop on the way home, and grab a bite to eat. I am done. I will have to sack out for a bit. I would like it to be a nap but I don't think so. I will set the alarm to be up for supper, and if I can rise before that, cool. But... I pushed. Now my body is pushing back.
Good night.
Yeah, mostly.
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Wow, not bad. I got the trash and recycling inside to the bins, plus what was in there from a few days ago. Got those to the curb. Took a shower even "earlier", did three loads of laundry. And, while a bit past 4:30, more like 5:00, I'll be heading out now. I'm as ready as I can be. Oh... best take a tooth brush and tooth paste. I like to brush before going in. Just... trying to play nice. It's going to be a long day. I will be up until supper arrives. I best get hopping. Good day.
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Wow, not bad. I got the trash and recycling inside to the bins, plus what was in there from a few days ago. Got those to the curb. Took a shower even "earlier", did three loads of laundry. And, while a bit past 4:30, more like 5:00, I'll be heading out now. I'm as ready as I can be. Oh... best take a tooth brush and tooth paste. I like to brush before going in. Just... trying to play nice. It's going to be a long day. I will be up until supper arrives. I best get hopping. Good day.
Hmm, long day ahead of me.
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I was up at... 15:00? Something. Yeah, my days are switching. But I am allowing it, even encouraging it. After checking the message from dental, it seems my appointment is at 7:30 this morning? She spoke so fast it is difficult to be sure. Seems pretty early, but I have no way of checking. While there is a switchboard, and sometimes they can check, for the main hospital, dental is on it's own and not connected with the main hospital. And the call, and reminder, wasn't received until later Friday. I'm not sure when it came in, only I didn't notice until later. Not sure I was in any condition to check back anyway. Time floats when the mind does.
In any case, I am prepping. I am doing laundry, took a shower, doing more laundry, and will do some other things. I need to be out by about 4:30. While that does get me there early, it also allows me to miss rush hour almost completely. Yum!
Dinner arrived tonight. Just the dad. So... I offered him some of my delicious pickled pork hocks. He had never tried, and was curious. It turns out that it isn't quite his thing. Good for me, as I see it! More teh hocks zu fur mish! Yeah, I bungle German. You ought to see what I can do with English, given half a chance. Anyway... he let me know tonight, and next week, will have both recycling and trash. Usually recycling is every other week. I caught the hint, because he hinted like men do. He told me that I ought to gather and put out. See, to me, that's a hint. No hemming, no hawing, just *bam* "do it". Yeah, right, okay. I hear you. I laugh, but I hear you. So, I'll get things rounded up and out. On the good side, since I make so little trash and so little recycling, next week I told him he could use my recycling bin. Actually, as I think about it, he can use both, as I only need to (by capacity) take trash out about once a month, or two. The bins just don't fill. With a family of six children, and it being Christmas... they could probably use it.
I also received a plate of Christmas cookies! Another fine local family stopped by, offered the goodies, and asked about me. Oh, well, to be honest, most of the locals are rather decent folk. Hmm... I've got plans for several of the families, sometime, when I can figure some things out. Oh, no... nothing too odd... perhaps a duck or two, or a goose, for their families. Something many have never tried. With larger families, some things just aren't as possible. One family at a time. Four families on my list so far. Mostly because I have met and eaten with them, been visited or otherwise gifted by them... Well, and I like to support those who make that sacrifice. Yes, having children is a sacrifice. It pays in the final analysis, but that isn't seen up front, for decades... several, many. The price is seen immediately.
I need to check and see what kind of a fine mess I have made of my accounts. If I haven't done too much damage, I may buy the snow shoes, pole, and such. Otherwise I have to wait for next month. Not much snow, yet, on the ground... here in the valley. And I want to work with flat lowlands, or relative lowlands, before hitting the slopes. I will need to get in shape. Hmm? Yeah, that's an idear. Could start checking my mail with them, on top of working in the back yard. That way it isn't just doing it for no reason.
Dangedest thing though? I'm still growing. I was size 12 foot, then 12 1/2. The last three shoes/boots I bought I had to go with a 13 and I'm... starting to think those are getting a little tight. Gah! There were some other things, but I was trying to ignore them... hoping that if I didn't acknowledge then it wouldn't be true. *shrug*
I will try to make it to the store, and to another place tomorrow. I will call around and see what is open for some blessings tomorrow. I can only hope something has a daily daily going for a grumpy half-human barbarian to stop in and... say a proper thanks. He is always happy to see me. It is mutual.
Later.
.
I was up at... 15:00? Something. Yeah, my days are switching. But I am allowing it, even encouraging it. After checking the message from dental, it seems my appointment is at 7:30 this morning? She spoke so fast it is difficult to be sure. Seems pretty early, but I have no way of checking. While there is a switchboard, and sometimes they can check, for the main hospital, dental is on it's own and not connected with the main hospital. And the call, and reminder, wasn't received until later Friday. I'm not sure when it came in, only I didn't notice until later. Not sure I was in any condition to check back anyway. Time floats when the mind does.
In any case, I am prepping. I am doing laundry, took a shower, doing more laundry, and will do some other things. I need to be out by about 4:30. While that does get me there early, it also allows me to miss rush hour almost completely. Yum!
Dinner arrived tonight. Just the dad. So... I offered him some of my delicious pickled pork hocks. He had never tried, and was curious. It turns out that it isn't quite his thing. Good for me, as I see it! More teh hocks zu fur mish! Yeah, I bungle German. You ought to see what I can do with English, given half a chance. Anyway... he let me know tonight, and next week, will have both recycling and trash. Usually recycling is every other week. I caught the hint, because he hinted like men do. He told me that I ought to gather and put out. See, to me, that's a hint. No hemming, no hawing, just *bam* "do it". Yeah, right, okay. I hear you. I laugh, but I hear you. So, I'll get things rounded up and out. On the good side, since I make so little trash and so little recycling, next week I told him he could use my recycling bin. Actually, as I think about it, he can use both, as I only need to (by capacity) take trash out about once a month, or two. The bins just don't fill. With a family of six children, and it being Christmas... they could probably use it.
I also received a plate of Christmas cookies! Another fine local family stopped by, offered the goodies, and asked about me. Oh, well, to be honest, most of the locals are rather decent folk. Hmm... I've got plans for several of the families, sometime, when I can figure some things out. Oh, no... nothing too odd... perhaps a duck or two, or a goose, for their families. Something many have never tried. With larger families, some things just aren't as possible. One family at a time. Four families on my list so far. Mostly because I have met and eaten with them, been visited or otherwise gifted by them... Well, and I like to support those who make that sacrifice. Yes, having children is a sacrifice. It pays in the final analysis, but that isn't seen up front, for decades... several, many. The price is seen immediately.
I need to check and see what kind of a fine mess I have made of my accounts. If I haven't done too much damage, I may buy the snow shoes, pole, and such. Otherwise I have to wait for next month. Not much snow, yet, on the ground... here in the valley. And I want to work with flat lowlands, or relative lowlands, before hitting the slopes. I will need to get in shape. Hmm? Yeah, that's an idear. Could start checking my mail with them, on top of working in the back yard. That way it isn't just doing it for no reason.
Dangedest thing though? I'm still growing. I was size 12 foot, then 12 1/2. The last three shoes/boots I bought I had to go with a 13 and I'm... starting to think those are getting a little tight. Gah! There were some other things, but I was trying to ignore them... hoping that if I didn't acknowledge then it wouldn't be true. *shrug*
I will try to make it to the store, and to another place tomorrow. I will call around and see what is open for some blessings tomorrow. I can only hope something has a daily daily going for a grumpy half-human barbarian to stop in and... say a proper thanks. He is always happy to see me. It is mutual.
Later.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Psychic noise, in the background, again.
.
.
Only this time, I laugh. Oh do I laugh.
I heard it in the wind. Whispers, several, many perhaps. Discussions and thoughts, alone and in groups. I scare the hell out of people. Down to their roots. They wonder, worry, aren't sure what this or that means, how it might affect them. Yes, I scare the hell out of people.
Laugh? Why, of course. I MEAN to scare the hell out of you. You can't get to heaven with even an ounce of that stuff in your soul. So, yes, I hope, pray, and want to scare the hell out of you. For my part? You are welcome.
.
Only this time, I laugh. Oh do I laugh.
I heard it in the wind. Whispers, several, many perhaps. Discussions and thoughts, alone and in groups. I scare the hell out of people. Down to their roots. They wonder, worry, aren't sure what this or that means, how it might affect them. Yes, I scare the hell out of people.
Laugh? Why, of course. I MEAN to scare the hell out of you. You can't get to heaven with even an ounce of that stuff in your soul. So, yes, I hope, pray, and want to scare the hell out of you. For my part? You are welcome.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Who knew?
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.
Stolen from Desert Cat. No, nothing bad. Actually rather stunning, fun in many ways, and... worth spending a minute or two watching. But... you will have to click to see. I've been using too much bandwidth on the front page, making loading a bit hairy. So... best to put things under the fold.
.
Stolen from Desert Cat. No, nothing bad. Actually rather stunning, fun in many ways, and... worth spending a minute or two watching. But... you will have to click to see. I've been using too much bandwidth on the front page, making loading a bit hairy. So... best to put things under the fold.
Bleh.
.
.
Sleep just didn't happen as early as I hoped. I was in bed by 23:00 and change, which is the earliest I have been to bed in... a number of days. Thing is I couldn't get out of bed until 11:00, and change. I had the weirdest night. I thought everything was normal. I usually sleep with three blankets. The bottom one, closes to me, is a really warm one my mother made. Remember, it's winter here and I sleep with the window open. I have a blanket and a quilt above that. Every few days I readjust my blankets, and did so last night, roughly. Make the bed? Yeah, hush. Anyway, without remembering rolling or anything, and something I haven't done before? I ended up, somehow, getting that bottom blanket off me, outside the other covers, and down at the foot of my bed. I have no idea how I would even do that, awake or asleep. It was not just out, but more like woven through the rest of my bedding. Don't ask, I simply have no answers. As far as I can tell, it was a perfect night of solid sleep.
I have an appointment tomorrow. Dental. I'll have to figure out when it is. I need to be there, I may have a cavity forming and want it checked before I run into serious pain. I think they called, and left a message. I just hope I didn't erase it. I could just show up early, but that leaves a lot of time to kill, out in the wilds. It is exhausting for me to try and warehouse myself for half a day in foreign, hostile, territory. I'm not sure if I am hoping it is later, or earlier. Later, actually, I am hoping. Or I'll have to push harder than I might functionally be able to do to get there. Gah!
Oh... on to waking. Later.
Saturday is it? Oh. Thankful, I am! First, that my neighbor stopped by and informed me. Or I might have ended up in SLC tomorrow. And, glad that I have another day to try to figure out how to get there. Yeah, it's that bad. Hmm... if it snows, or worse rains, I will have to reschedule. Other than that... I best get in. I only go every two or three years, so...
.
Sleep just didn't happen as early as I hoped. I was in bed by 23:00 and change, which is the earliest I have been to bed in... a number of days. Thing is I couldn't get out of bed until 11:00, and change. I had the weirdest night. I thought everything was normal. I usually sleep with three blankets. The bottom one, closes to me, is a really warm one my mother made. Remember, it's winter here and I sleep with the window open. I have a blanket and a quilt above that. Every few days I readjust my blankets, and did so last night, roughly. Make the bed? Yeah, hush. Anyway, without remembering rolling or anything, and something I haven't done before? I ended up, somehow, getting that bottom blanket off me, outside the other covers, and down at the foot of my bed. I have no idea how I would even do that, awake or asleep. It was not just out, but more like woven through the rest of my bedding. Don't ask, I simply have no answers. As far as I can tell, it was a perfect night of solid sleep.
I have an appointment tomorrow. Dental. I'll have to figure out when it is. I need to be there, I may have a cavity forming and want it checked before I run into serious pain. I think they called, and left a message. I just hope I didn't erase it. I could just show up early, but that leaves a lot of time to kill, out in the wilds. It is exhausting for me to try and warehouse myself for half a day in foreign, hostile, territory. I'm not sure if I am hoping it is later, or earlier. Later, actually, I am hoping. Or I'll have to push harder than I might functionally be able to do to get there. Gah!
Oh... on to waking. Later.
Saturday is it? Oh. Thankful, I am! First, that my neighbor stopped by and informed me. Or I might have ended up in SLC tomorrow. And, glad that I have another day to try to figure out how to get there. Yeah, it's that bad. Hmm... if it snows, or worse rains, I will have to reschedule. Other than that... I best get in. I only go every two or three years, so...
Friday, December 13, 2013
I'm not the only one.
.
.
I don't know. I seem to get stuck in some things and little changes. Yeah. But... Here, let me show you. Now, he is out and out direct and this is on just one thing, though who knows privately. I'm stuck on a few themes. It's just the way it is. At least I'm not quite that public about it... mostly.
By the way, I saw the clip at AoSHQ. One of the writers was either picking on us, self inclusive or not I can't remember. Just... giving credit.
.
I don't know. I seem to get stuck in some things and little changes. Yeah. But... Here, let me show you. Now, he is out and out direct and this is on just one thing, though who knows privately. I'm stuck on a few themes. It's just the way it is. At least I'm not quite that public about it... mostly.
By the way, I saw the clip at AoSHQ. One of the writers was either picking on us, self inclusive or not I can't remember. Just... giving credit.
It doesn't always make sense.
.
.
Lately it rarely makes sense. Life just passes me by. I have no idea how to get a grip on it. Things to do, both for want and need. But it simply isn't working out well. I'm no longer in pain, which is generally a good thing. I have been taking my medicines, and increasing insulin (to no effect it seems... yes, I've been eating right too, as far as diabetes goes). I just keep looking for opportunities and not really finding them, or anything that helps. Lost. In the mind I do fine. I won't say I have become a stellar thinker, or a paragon of wisdom, merely that I lead a simple life, and attempt to be humble, back in the cave of the thoughts that reside in my flesh. Locked away, really. My body takes care of itself, and I can help mentally with that a bit. It's like two different creatures with some communication and shared interests, but mostly a divided living arrangement. Neither of us prefers it. Neither of us knows how to fix it.
Until I get up and through the dosage, then get level with that, I don't think much will change. I want to change it. But I also want to make it so people aren't hungry, thirsty, sinful, and ignorant. I have as much power over one set of notions as I do over the other notion. Wish in one hand, as a chief in the Navy once told me, and defecate in the other, see which fills the quickest. Yeah, yeah, but the truth is there even if not put in a form most prefer. Me, I like it plain and straight up, so... that saying works fine for my needs. Of course, it's why I don't wish in one hand. That's for a specific so-called religion I do believe. Don't want to lose your right hand in that group. Heh.
I woke late, again. But at 20:00 and change, I think I am going to try to get some sleep. My days have been rather good, with only the last few days becoming later and later. If I can, and I think I can, nip that in the bud, I will. If it is the only success I have, I will have it. Even if I fail, I won't fail by lack of effort... whatever that means in this fog. I never did get to my business, or some other business, or laundry, dishes, the kitchen, the rest of the cave, plumbing, setting up my shop... Those things will simply be there when I can get to them. Ah well. I could hate, but that doesn't help. I'll keep the things in mind and hop and jump when I can.
Good night.
.
Lately it rarely makes sense. Life just passes me by. I have no idea how to get a grip on it. Things to do, both for want and need. But it simply isn't working out well. I'm no longer in pain, which is generally a good thing. I have been taking my medicines, and increasing insulin (to no effect it seems... yes, I've been eating right too, as far as diabetes goes). I just keep looking for opportunities and not really finding them, or anything that helps. Lost. In the mind I do fine. I won't say I have become a stellar thinker, or a paragon of wisdom, merely that I lead a simple life, and attempt to be humble, back in the cave of the thoughts that reside in my flesh. Locked away, really. My body takes care of itself, and I can help mentally with that a bit. It's like two different creatures with some communication and shared interests, but mostly a divided living arrangement. Neither of us prefers it. Neither of us knows how to fix it.
Until I get up and through the dosage, then get level with that, I don't think much will change. I want to change it. But I also want to make it so people aren't hungry, thirsty, sinful, and ignorant. I have as much power over one set of notions as I do over the other notion. Wish in one hand, as a chief in the Navy once told me, and defecate in the other, see which fills the quickest. Yeah, yeah, but the truth is there even if not put in a form most prefer. Me, I like it plain and straight up, so... that saying works fine for my needs. Of course, it's why I don't wish in one hand. That's for a specific so-called religion I do believe. Don't want to lose your right hand in that group. Heh.
I woke late, again. But at 20:00 and change, I think I am going to try to get some sleep. My days have been rather good, with only the last few days becoming later and later. If I can, and I think I can, nip that in the bud, I will. If it is the only success I have, I will have it. Even if I fail, I won't fail by lack of effort... whatever that means in this fog. I never did get to my business, or some other business, or laundry, dishes, the kitchen, the rest of the cave, plumbing, setting up my shop... Those things will simply be there when I can get to them. Ah well. I could hate, but that doesn't help. I'll keep the things in mind and hop and jump when I can.
Good night.
Up late, still have things I best do. Bed time.
.
.
I simply couldn't sleep, until about now. I wasn't up until noon, which might be the problem. Perhaps I will try to be up earlier tomorrow. Even 10:00 would be better. Even so, today was a short day, so there is the possibility I can push things tomorrow. But I have to call the V.A. I know I have some appointments coming up, dental for sure. I'll have to check my recent post with my list of other things to do as well. I am not focusing well. On the good side the pain is going, mostly gone now.
I have a couple of business things to do, but I really need to try and reach deep and get on my home. Beside cleaning, there is the plumbing. And... other cleaning, like my room. Throw in laundry. Yeah, well... Ugh...
The docs suggested I lower my water pill. But that's not working. My hands are inflating. It isn't too serious yet, so I might give it another week, or until something feels like it is going to pop. Odd how I was able to do without the water pill for so many years. Beer, I think, actually did the trick. And perhaps regular and even diet soda... Diuretics, you see. Really really. If I do go back up on the water pill I will need to get potassium in there, at least semi-regularly. While the vitamins, the daily and the occasional, are helping... no more cramping and I generally do feel better for whatever that really means, and just on balance, they are not, or no longer, help with keeping the potassium where it needs to be.
I did buy a katana, a longer one than usual. Sharp as a razor, I'll tell you. It has a nice feel, and form, but... I will have to practice with this. And, it isn't a single handed weapon. It could be, but the balance is forward of the "hilt". It's called something else for katanas, but it comes down to the same thing. With the weight forward, by a goodly distance (7" I think), and the blade being 33", it just isn't suitable for one handed work. There are moves that can be one handed. But for the most part it is a two handed sword. Sadly. My hand and a half actually weighs more, but because of the balance, I can easily wield it with one hand, and left or right hand. I may have to seek a katana that is balanced for one hand use, if that might make it actually other than a true katana. I had hoped to dual wield. And with the right swords, I can. Hmm? More stories from ol' Doom? Perhaps. I wouldn't test it, twere I you, but you may believe as you wish. In any case, I will have to learn new techniques... and, yes... I'll figure it out. I just know that it will never be a true single handed sword and would be absolutely untenable as a dual wield blade. Bleh.
Then again, my perceptions may truly be off. I have heard of a master who, it was claimed, wielded two full katana. But much legend loses reality. Not always, but... often enough. Perhaps it is a wakizashi, much as duel wielding with European swords is done, usually, with a main sword and an arming dagger or the like. And there are advantages and disadvantages to all weapon choices, single blade, two handed blade, and dual wielding of whatever nature. I will suggest, most of the what people believe about sword fighting has nothing to do with sword fighting. Best, for example, not to employ a sword as a shield. And should that be required, it won't be sharp edge to sharp edge. Never mind.
Oh, there is a master who does teach using two full length katana. I am sure the balance of the sword I have would not suit this practice, but this must mean there are swords that do. I thought so.
Oh, right. Good night.
.
I simply couldn't sleep, until about now. I wasn't up until noon, which might be the problem. Perhaps I will try to be up earlier tomorrow. Even 10:00 would be better. Even so, today was a short day, so there is the possibility I can push things tomorrow. But I have to call the V.A. I know I have some appointments coming up, dental for sure. I'll have to check my recent post with my list of other things to do as well. I am not focusing well. On the good side the pain is going, mostly gone now.
I have a couple of business things to do, but I really need to try and reach deep and get on my home. Beside cleaning, there is the plumbing. And... other cleaning, like my room. Throw in laundry. Yeah, well... Ugh...
The docs suggested I lower my water pill. But that's not working. My hands are inflating. It isn't too serious yet, so I might give it another week, or until something feels like it is going to pop. Odd how I was able to do without the water pill for so many years. Beer, I think, actually did the trick. And perhaps regular and even diet soda... Diuretics, you see. Really really. If I do go back up on the water pill I will need to get potassium in there, at least semi-regularly. While the vitamins, the daily and the occasional, are helping... no more cramping and I generally do feel better for whatever that really means, and just on balance, they are not, or no longer, help with keeping the potassium where it needs to be.
Then again, my perceptions may truly be off. I have heard of a master who, it was claimed, wielded two full katana. But much legend loses reality. Not always, but... often enough. Perhaps it is a wakizashi, much as duel wielding with European swords is done, usually, with a main sword and an arming dagger or the like. And there are advantages and disadvantages to all weapon choices, single blade, two handed blade, and dual wielding of whatever nature. I will suggest, most of the what people believe about sword fighting has nothing to do with sword fighting. Best, for example, not to employ a sword as a shield. And should that be required, it won't be sharp edge to sharp edge. Never mind.
Oh, right. Good night.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
A new idea and a Christmas treat.
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.
I'm fussy about pistols. None of them really fit for ease of draw, general access, and comfort. Well, okay, I wasn't really messing with where to put the holster. Being a bit grumpy, and yet innovative, today, I just decided to tinker. Ah... Success. At least with the 9. Holstered on the left side, with draw to the right, and the new mag, pistol, and holster all fit just right. A cross draw isn't a problem either. It's not fast, but neither is a standard draw. If I ever get around to getting a concealed carry permit, I will probably get a sling draw, down on my thigh. In Utah, if you have a conceal carry permit, even if you don't, you can open carry. However, without a conceal carry, and even with one, you can get hassled in the cities. With the permit there isn't a lot they can really do. Without it, they can really jack with people, and have. Not every cop, but it just takes one to really cause problems. No, not really for speed draw, even then. It's just... it makes for a more natural draw.
For Christmas, most people think of treats as sweat. No fuss here, I like my sweets. My mother is sending chocolate chip, ginger snaps, and some other things. If she wants to surprise me, homemade fudge, the only thing I actually like walnuts in, too. But no peanut butter cookies. I just don't like sweet peanut butter stuff! But, for my money, I'm into savory. And, more, into man-style savory. I have been searching for good pickled pork hocks, actually mostly meat with a good fat rind, locally, since I arrived. Nowhere could I find that. Not in Logan, not in Ogden, not in SLC. I had sort of given up. Then, while looking around online for other things, I found them! A brand I know, and remember having liked, a lot. They were only offered in pairs of 32 oz. jars. Still... I figure I can use that before it goes bad. And my guess is it would last a long time. *hint* Pickled! *hint* I've already eaten about a normal jar's worth. Yum! I'm definitely getting into the season. Yeah, yeah, I have duck for the actual meal, or thereabouts. This is just the stuff in the lead up. Hey, I'm an old bachelor.
Oh, I will be going private after this haiku contest is finished. Well, and after I figure it all out. I have three people signing on. I may ask a few others if they want access. And I may tag a post suggesting I will be going private and access will not be allowed for just anybody, for about a week, before going silent. So, yeah, it's... on the way.
.
I'm fussy about pistols. None of them really fit for ease of draw, general access, and comfort. Well, okay, I wasn't really messing with where to put the holster. Being a bit grumpy, and yet innovative, today, I just decided to tinker. Ah... Success. At least with the 9. Holstered on the left side, with draw to the right, and the new mag, pistol, and holster all fit just right. A cross draw isn't a problem either. It's not fast, but neither is a standard draw. If I ever get around to getting a concealed carry permit, I will probably get a sling draw, down on my thigh. In Utah, if you have a conceal carry permit, even if you don't, you can open carry. However, without a conceal carry, and even with one, you can get hassled in the cities. With the permit there isn't a lot they can really do. Without it, they can really jack with people, and have. Not every cop, but it just takes one to really cause problems. No, not really for speed draw, even then. It's just... it makes for a more natural draw.
For Christmas, most people think of treats as sweat. No fuss here, I like my sweets. My mother is sending chocolate chip, ginger snaps, and some other things. If she wants to surprise me, homemade fudge, the only thing I actually like walnuts in, too. But no peanut butter cookies. I just don't like sweet peanut butter stuff! But, for my money, I'm into savory. And, more, into man-style savory. I have been searching for good pickled pork hocks, actually mostly meat with a good fat rind, locally, since I arrived. Nowhere could I find that. Not in Logan, not in Ogden, not in SLC. I had sort of given up. Then, while looking around online for other things, I found them! A brand I know, and remember having liked, a lot. They were only offered in pairs of 32 oz. jars. Still... I figure I can use that before it goes bad. And my guess is it would last a long time. *hint* Pickled! *hint* I've already eaten about a normal jar's worth. Yum! I'm definitely getting into the season. Yeah, yeah, I have duck for the actual meal, or thereabouts. This is just the stuff in the lead up. Hey, I'm an old bachelor.
Oh, I will be going private after this haiku contest is finished. Well, and after I figure it all out. I have three people signing on. I may ask a few others if they want access. And I may tag a post suggesting I will be going private and access will not be allowed for just anybody, for about a week, before going silent. So, yeah, it's... on the way.
Went down late but hard.
.
.
As 2:00 rolled around, I was able to sleep. I remember something, something, then rolling over at noon. Waking wasn't as tough this morning as it was yesterday. Medicines down the throat, brushed the teeth, but it will still take a bit to wake. I have no clue what is on the menu to even try today. I'll figure it out sooner though. A ten hour sleep, with a nap yesterday, probably just means I am in recovery a bit. Fine, fine, but I'll try to push through. Hey, at least I haven't given up, from pain, or in the doldrums, and just set everything on autopilot. You have no idea how tempting the notion is. Then again, as I harden to the rigors of life again, and illness, I may be losing the ability to drift. Not that it used to be a choice, and maybe it is just barely an option now. I have just enough health to still suffer greatly but not enough to suffer beyond my means? Maybe. I hope for more improvement. Barring that, I actually think the literal situation has gone from bad to worse, as to feel. I literally have to hope for more. Push for better. I guess, the old saying, that things must get worse before they can get better, is true. At least in this case, for me, now. Fine, fine. As long as it gets better.
I'm still feeling odd organ pains. Triceps are just a touch sore still. But all in all, today is a vast improvement. Another day or two and I may be completely pain free. And while I did sleep hard, and a little longer than usual, I did sleep well, woke well, and am feeling up to a full day... if not much activity probably. One thing at a time. I sometimes wonder if I focus to much on this stuff. But if you had felt the pain, or even what is left of it today, you would understand... it isn't so much that I focus on it, it is that it is intense enough that I can focus on almost nothing else. It's not so much a choice as a reality. Same for most of my complaints. Go to a hospital, where if you were me you would be. Look around the heart clinic, at the guys who don't do as well with our condition as I do. Talk to them. The ones who can talk through whatever they give them for the condition, the ones who can talk. The only real difference is I am not hospitalized for it.
Hmm... I just realized something... When the heart clinic heard, from some nurse practitioner at that despite them not finding it, that I had a heart arrhythmia, they were hoping for it. You see, they don't like messing with medicines. They, really, are hoping to do some sort of surgery. They really don't have any other use for clients. Since I won't do a heart transplant, and shoot down every false prognosis like the winner gunslinger in the Old West, they really aren't interested in continuing to see me. Now, for my part, I need them, but just for medicine updates and tests my gp can't order. I need them to monitor my condition in a way a gp can't and shouldn't be trusted to do. So, I will, if I have to, and again, fight the V.A. for my right to have a specialty clinic. Yeah, I see that coming. I've had to fight them before, and usually win. They are not in it for me. They are in it to make money as a teaching hospital, for the unions, and for cushy jobs that don't require lawsuit coverage. But it's what I've got. Gotta keep an eye on them, they are crafty bastards.
Later.
.
As 2:00 rolled around, I was able to sleep. I remember something, something, then rolling over at noon. Waking wasn't as tough this morning as it was yesterday. Medicines down the throat, brushed the teeth, but it will still take a bit to wake. I have no clue what is on the menu to even try today. I'll figure it out sooner though. A ten hour sleep, with a nap yesterday, probably just means I am in recovery a bit. Fine, fine, but I'll try to push through. Hey, at least I haven't given up, from pain, or in the doldrums, and just set everything on autopilot. You have no idea how tempting the notion is. Then again, as I harden to the rigors of life again, and illness, I may be losing the ability to drift. Not that it used to be a choice, and maybe it is just barely an option now. I have just enough health to still suffer greatly but not enough to suffer beyond my means? Maybe. I hope for more improvement. Barring that, I actually think the literal situation has gone from bad to worse, as to feel. I literally have to hope for more. Push for better. I guess, the old saying, that things must get worse before they can get better, is true. At least in this case, for me, now. Fine, fine. As long as it gets better.
I'm still feeling odd organ pains. Triceps are just a touch sore still. But all in all, today is a vast improvement. Another day or two and I may be completely pain free. And while I did sleep hard, and a little longer than usual, I did sleep well, woke well, and am feeling up to a full day... if not much activity probably. One thing at a time. I sometimes wonder if I focus to much on this stuff. But if you had felt the pain, or even what is left of it today, you would understand... it isn't so much that I focus on it, it is that it is intense enough that I can focus on almost nothing else. It's not so much a choice as a reality. Same for most of my complaints. Go to a hospital, where if you were me you would be. Look around the heart clinic, at the guys who don't do as well with our condition as I do. Talk to them. The ones who can talk through whatever they give them for the condition, the ones who can talk. The only real difference is I am not hospitalized for it.
Hmm... I just realized something... When the heart clinic heard, from some nurse practitioner at that despite them not finding it, that I had a heart arrhythmia, they were hoping for it. You see, they don't like messing with medicines. They, really, are hoping to do some sort of surgery. They really don't have any other use for clients. Since I won't do a heart transplant, and shoot down every false prognosis like the winner gunslinger in the Old West, they really aren't interested in continuing to see me. Now, for my part, I need them, but just for medicine updates and tests my gp can't order. I need them to monitor my condition in a way a gp can't and shouldn't be trusted to do. So, I will, if I have to, and again, fight the V.A. for my right to have a specialty clinic. Yeah, I see that coming. I've had to fight them before, and usually win. They are not in it for me. They are in it to make money as a teaching hospital, for the unions, and for cushy jobs that don't require lawsuit coverage. But it's what I've got. Gotta keep an eye on them, they are crafty bastards.
Later.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Up early but weakly.
.
.
My organ meat seems to be settling. There is still an occasional muted thud that sends minor rifts of lightning pain. But it is rare and random, and is stopped much more quickly because the events happen as singular events and with enough time between them that my brain isn't having to track three to five at once... that slows my painkilling process greatly. The shoulders are good, back to normal already. Oddly, my triceps is where the pain from my shoulders, and stiffness from the neck, settled. Yeah, I don't understand it all either. Doctors just tell me I'm crazy. I'm only crazy because they tell me I am, which I refute. As usual.
I did find my diabetes tester. Oddly, blood sugar is still high, in the 190's. The only carbs I have eaten was a regular soda when invited to pizza. When I went out with my friend I had coffee, with splenda. I haven't even been drinking a lot of dairy. Perhaps a half cup of whole whipping cream per day, for coffee, and perhaps one large glass of milk every other day. I just don't get it. Blood pressure was right around 150/100. That beats the 210/140-160 sort of average before that, but it's still a bit high. I thought the higher doses would help, quicker, but... not so much. Still, I am taking everything, and as rightly as I can. I may need to increase insulin. I'm a bit nervous about the stuff. Going low on blood sugar is truly terrifying.
I did wake early, but for the first time in a while I needed a nap. I made it as close to 11:00 as I could, losing control just a bit before it. I had to fight for that extra hour or two of up time to get there. Odd dreams lately. Last night I dreamed of all of the strange things I remember having heard or even believed as a child. Fairy tales, urban legends of the more minor sorts, and having all of those be real in the dream. It was a bit spooky but mostly delightful. Think of tiny fairies living in flowers, frogs turning into princes, and such. Of course there were witches, but I didn't get turned into a newt or such. Just the sort of fright level a child would nominally show toward such things, there were no real adult level emotions. Ah... what a world children have, and a good thing too. I carried on, a bit, with that theme, while dreaming during my nap. Not a bad thing, and certainly sets the stage for a better mood.
.
My organ meat seems to be settling. There is still an occasional muted thud that sends minor rifts of lightning pain. But it is rare and random, and is stopped much more quickly because the events happen as singular events and with enough time between them that my brain isn't having to track three to five at once... that slows my painkilling process greatly. The shoulders are good, back to normal already. Oddly, my triceps is where the pain from my shoulders, and stiffness from the neck, settled. Yeah, I don't understand it all either. Doctors just tell me I'm crazy. I'm only crazy because they tell me I am, which I refute. As usual.
I did find my diabetes tester. Oddly, blood sugar is still high, in the 190's. The only carbs I have eaten was a regular soda when invited to pizza. When I went out with my friend I had coffee, with splenda. I haven't even been drinking a lot of dairy. Perhaps a half cup of whole whipping cream per day, for coffee, and perhaps one large glass of milk every other day. I just don't get it. Blood pressure was right around 150/100. That beats the 210/140-160 sort of average before that, but it's still a bit high. I thought the higher doses would help, quicker, but... not so much. Still, I am taking everything, and as rightly as I can. I may need to increase insulin. I'm a bit nervous about the stuff. Going low on blood sugar is truly terrifying.
I did wake early, but for the first time in a while I needed a nap. I made it as close to 11:00 as I could, losing control just a bit before it. I had to fight for that extra hour or two of up time to get there. Odd dreams lately. Last night I dreamed of all of the strange things I remember having heard or even believed as a child. Fairy tales, urban legends of the more minor sorts, and having all of those be real in the dream. It was a bit spooky but mostly delightful. Think of tiny fairies living in flowers, frogs turning into princes, and such. Of course there were witches, but I didn't get turned into a newt or such. Just the sort of fright level a child would nominally show toward such things, there were no real adult level emotions. Ah... what a world children have, and a good thing too. I carried on, a bit, with that theme, while dreaming during my nap. Not a bad thing, and certainly sets the stage for a better mood.
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