Every time...

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In this last month, every time things were looking up they faltered.  On the other hand, every time life was looking to crash, it didn't.  It has been a very slow, mild, middling, but low, roller coaster.  Nothing done but nothing broken.  No great function but no terrible pain(s).  It's 8 F out, and I'd love to be out in it.  I can handle it, if I am not sure I could do much.  And it might wear me down a bit over the line... or not.  I do like the cool, usually.

I still haven't arranged my clothing, or dug into the freezer or kitchen.  But, today, I am going to make a move on those things.  If I can get clothes together, and keep pushing my day further into the real day, I may attempt to make an special appointment for confession, as it might be a month or so before I can be awake during the regular time...  Then, if I can do that, figure out a weekday Mass.  Even just one a week, though with the hope of more.  And, as time rolls around, a high Mass, one on Saturday or Sunday.  Or both.  I also need to arrange some other things, with regards to church and charity.  I know, I know.  God forgive a forgetful lost fool.  The intent really is there, the mechanics and such are often lacking.  Perhaps I can be there on the next high holy, Easter.  And I would like to help out with lent meals.

Pushing?  Yes, but why I have been asked.  I have had many answers to that question, through time.  Now, though, I believe I have the real answer.  Even when it hurts, perhaps especially when it hurts... when it pains me in other ways, as an annoyance, even a grievance... when it would be easier to just quit, to give in, or up, or out... among other things...  That is when holding on, making all effort, continuing... even if those things are just in my mind... that is holding on to life, and the truth, perhaps Truth, of life.  When God chose me, and I chose Him back, I have come to realize, that was a very large part of the package.  Not as a generality, or theory, or even some certainty but without any real costs or price.  Life is holy.  Even mine.  And it must be sought, right through the shadow of death.

Rather than condemn me, join me.  Not for my sake, for yours.  Sad to see so many who have a full whole life who throw it away, abuse it, reject it.  I have every reason, of a worldly nature, to do just those things.  Not only do I not, I literally dance on my grave.  I know, in time, it will be proven false.  I know, even now, what I suffer is just as false... in the whole of Truth.  Yes, join in the rhythm of life.  Later.

I'll keep at it.

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Days and nights are completely topsy-turvey.  It is 8 degrees out there, F not C.  Though, while it snowed more as I returned the other day, and then while I slept, someone, again, hit the driveway.  Awesome!  I am trying to keep up.  It just isn't working well.  The cold isn't getting to me.  It's just... everything and all.

I have been figuring out food, give or take.  I keep forgetting medicine, but the will is there.  The memory, focus, isn't.  Just beat sudoku in 8 seconds though.  That is my new second fastest time.  I have done 5 seconds once, 8 seconds once, 9 seconds probably a score or two of times, then 12 seconds many times.  Though even a 12 second game isn't all that bad.  Even if I have done it a hundred times, I doubt if most people can, ever, play a game that fast.  I'm not sure what that speed puts me in, percentage wise.  Though I am guessing it is in the... nosebleed section.  I'm not sure it is IQ based, but there probably is some sort of neuro-intellect thing going on.  It is both physical and intellectual.

Anyway...  I had hoped to make corned beef and cabbage for my New Years meal.  I bought the meat several days ago, but then forgot what I was doing and froze it along with the other meats, though I did remember to keep a package of steaks out, which served well enough.  The day snuck up on me, I guess.  I have it thawed and will make some for tonight.  Yes, I remembered red potatoes as well.  All I could find was red cabbage.  Not sure if it will be much different.  Will find out soon enough.

I have been gaming, to try to stretch days, stay awake, all that.  I've been staying up on the girls.  Food, litter raking, and just extra attention.  When they can't get out, when it is too cold, extra attention to each eases their cabin fever.  I can tell, fewer fights.  I haven't gotten dress clothes set up yet.  I'm... thinking on it.  Bleh.  I'll keep trying to remember to focus, or some such.  With medicine, potentially, back on track...  That sure spooks me.  I'd hate to drop it all and walk.  But that is just as possible.  Should I be troubled with some things.  We will see next time, and should my doc decided to add a medicine, or change something.  Every time I get ready to deal with this I twitch just a bit.  It might work out.

Good day and good night.

Didn't want to go.

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My mother insisted.  My Christmas package should have been in, and she was 'distressing'.  I didn't make it in to check Monday, or Tuesday.  Finally, today.  Though I suspect that it had been in for a while.  Something about final notice.  But the problem is, I was in Thursday and/or Friday.  It might have been missed though.  Or... not, as a solution set of several types.

Now, to get out, I had to be awake.  Literal mornings are, generally speaking, my current prime sleeping hours.  If you run a normal day, my mornings would be, say, midnight to 4:00.  Imagine trying to focus in those hours.  I had to shower, dress, then today clear snow.  Further, now I can't quite get back to sleep.  I am dropping off now, but it's an ugly odd thing.  Sleep will be weird.  Oh, and everything I removed, snow wise, is back.  Bleh.

Ah, but I did call to set an appointment with my new doctor.  The middle of next month, or thereabouts.  I added it to my calendar right away, or it would be potentially forgotten.  I'll keep at things.  But first, sleep!  I need sleep so badly.  I set the appoint out a bit just to try to get my days and nights more properly ordered by the time the appointment arrives.  I'll be pushing days and nights in the hopes of making it on time.  It will be a push.  You have no idea how good it is to be able to keep a steady schedule.  If you can do it, enjoy it.

Good... night, I suppose.

Chilly.

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That isn't the only problem, just one of them.  The old motor grinds while I attempt to kick it over.  I had realized that this might be the last of my medicine, so had stumbled a bit, again, about taking it.  When I realized how low, and how much last time had taken to get a resupply... if it hadn't gone through I was just going to let that go.  I still had my eye on another path, but that was unlikely.  I realized, about a week ago, that... something was going to happen or a major failure was due.  Anyway, with a resupply on the way I can take what I have with some confidence, plan a doctor visit, and get back on track.

Well, that left no scars, or marks.

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I wasn't sure how that would go.  I reordered medicine.  No hitch, no argument, no phone tag.  It was a simple transaction.  Okay to send the insulin tomorrow?  Why, yes, I believed so.  I didn't make any fuss, tried not to cause any issues, didn't comment one way or the other.  I am simply in it for medication, my health as much as that is possible.  Ego, after as many times as I have torched even my own, is not a part of my program.  Anyway.  Medicine on the way.

I actually woke a little earlier because I heard the phone.  I was sure it had rung a number of times.  It indicates only two calls.  One from Iowa, the other for sure my mother.  My guess is both were from here, one was simply a landline.  She wanted me to check the mail.  But, when I finally called her back, it was 11:30 I believe.  The post closes at noon, so... yeah, no.  Some days I can pop, jump, and run.  That is rare and becoming rarer.  Today was not one of those days.  Tomorrow, though.  I will... figure it out.

Ah, with medicine seeming to be back on track I decided to call the doctor I had been seeing.  If he still has room, I will begin seeing him again.  While I was going through my phone, trying to remember his name, I finally did contact management.  It looks like, somehow, my phone synced with my email address in a weird fusion that simply didn't make sense.  Much nonsense was removed, and some old links that are gone.  I... didn't remove my recently dead friend's number... not quite yet.  In time.  Perhaps after a grave visit or two.  Too few of those I have cared for, who are gone, have gotten such a visit.  Not by choice, quite often, mind you.  Some know no place, others were lost to me in ways that wouldn't make sense to you.  Yes, perhaps visiting a grave will... help sort things.

On with the day.  I'll set some things back in play and do what I may.  Good day.

A bit.

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Not what I had hoped, not along my plans, just a few things on general lists of things to do.  As well, sleep is just off.  Eight to twelve up and down.  Not a regular day.  No worries, I'll keep at it.

One of the things I did was make a meal.  Fried chicken gizzards and hearts.  It just didn't work out well.  Still, a bite is a bite.  I'll try to figure something out for the week.  Hmm, ham and beans.  I really do love that, and it lasts a good long time.  There should be enough to freeze.  And it is easy enough to cook.  Even starting with dry beans.  It would be good to get to town for small grocery shopping.  Onions go very well in ham and beans.  Carrots would be good for peanut butter topped snacks.  I like celery but it goes bad so fast.  Not sure about shopping today.

I did get the trash out.  No recycling, not sure if this is the week.  I keep resetting the dishes.  I did get a shower in.  I've been showering often, and really hitting my feet with the pumice stone.  I haven't had feet this human feeling in years.  I'll keep at that.

I don't know.  It's a bit rough, just in that I can't quite seem to do proper days or keep on target.  Other than that, I think I'm doing much better than I had been since summer started.  I'll keep at it.  If you were supposed to, or thought you would, hear from me... and haven't?  Don't take it personally.  I'm just a bit off.  Later.

Push for more.

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I am still a bit laid up.  Two days out, and all-dayers, really put a pinch on my motivation.  At least it didn't end up doing anything truly foul.  As well, it didn't dampen my spirits or will to action.  Both are still in good stead, ready to be applied even over slight exhaustion.

I have decided, short term, my goal is to clean the kitchen, top to bottom, with as much speed as I may muster.  If I do that, to real satisfaction, say by Wednesday... then maintain that until I recover, I hope to head out snowshoeing.  Maybe just in the back yard, but plenty.  If that doesn't tucker me too much, I know of another place, Green Canyon.  That is where my former woman and myself went "cross-country" skiing.  They have a side path for snowshoes.  I may also seek other places, if that goes well.

After that the goal is to hit the living room.  Strip it nearly down to the bare, vacuum and steam vac, reset the place... all while keeping the kitchen in order.  If I can keep those things together, then I'd like to set up a camp in the back yard.  And, if that goes well, and I can arrange a camp well enough that an overnight in very cold temps is possible, then I might try to combine the snowshoeing and camping.  Part of what called me here was to have to cold winter wind kiss my cheeks high in the mountains.  And, if I can only get that to happen once, it would need to be soon.  Though, who knows... if I become a minor mountain man, perhaps that will extend things.  Not a part of the plan, just a possibility.

A shower, first thing.  Then I set the dishes to soak.  I may put laundry in later.  As I suggested, however, the only thing I plan to do this weekend, on the main, is to put together several dress outfits for church, church events, social events, and such.  I should have enough for four main whole outfits, if I need to work on shoes... having several that are too tight with occasional swelling and an pair of oxfords that don't actually go with true dress slacks.  As well, I might have enough else to varying those four mains.  But they may all need some to much care, perhaps replacements here and there, or repair.  I need ties, too.  What I have are quite shabby.  Not good enough for God, not right for men of good intent.  And, yes, that means something.  This isn't pride, this was requested by the church and God.  And, by heaven, if men of humbler means and meaner circumstances can show up in clean, neat, and right... I... I'll do it too.

Oh, and have a good day.  This isn't meant to be a bummer post.  I hope it to be... hrm... motivational.  If I seem too focused, with seeming too much intent, understand that for the dead to live, great care must be gathered and directed.  Yes, good day, and later.

Well, that works.

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I finally snuck out to the garage, to see if my phone was in the vehicle.  At first it didn't seem so.  Then, there it was, under this and that.  However it was dead.  I was able to get it to turn on, barely.  Alarms and warnings about cataclysm, plus when I plugged it in I was informed that the battery was too cold to charge, so I turned it off and gave it an half hour to warm up.  Charging, now, finally.  All good.  Saves me a trip to town, that would be the only other place it might have been.

I woke later in the morning, I think.  I thought I saw 10:02 or 10:20, but I'm not sure if that is when I woke or if that is when I went to the bathroom one time or another.  Here it is, at 16:00, and I am quite tired.  I am pushing to stay awake until... 20:00?  Somewhere in there.  That might help reset my days and nights.  It's shining out there, as much as it can in winter.  Which is quite nice.  All I need is that little touch of sun, from time to time, as a safety rope to grab onto.  It allows some opportunity, all else working, to straighten things out.

I finished the last of the ribeye roast.  It was the smallest one in the store, something I purchased to replace the ducks I lost.  Yes, the freezer came unplugged and I lost the ducks.  This time, though, I know what happened.  It was my fault.  Bleh.  When I first realized it, I was so angry I couldn't spit.  I just left it as was until I could regather my wits.  When I collected and tamed my emotions, I looked it over.  The cord had gotten caught on a lower back corner.  And I had moved the freezer out, in order to sweep behind it.  I never got to the sweeping, but one day decided to bump the freezer back against the wall.  But the cord that was around the corner pulled just barely enough to unplug the freezer from the extension cord, but without pulling the plug all of the way out.

The ribeye was good though.  I'll order more duck next month.  Just two.  Oh, but the ribeye roast was inexpensive, compared to the duck, by pound, though I'm not sure if by pound of actual meat?  The poor roast was not quite full.  It was the end cut, so of questionable appearance, size, and quality.  It ended up being quite good.  Half yesterday, plus.  The remnant today.  It made for quite a nice meal.

Hmm?  I'm not sure.  Another day of partial rest, then Sunday...  The only thing I hope to do today and/or tomorrow is to get several dress clothes sets prepped, polish my oxfords (once I find them... and my hiking boots too I suppose, as they work as winter dress, at least with corduroys), and look for another pair of dress shoes.  I want to prepare to go to official events, and keep that prep ready.  I've fallen down on that and I'd like to fix it.  Choir events, Mass, confession, whatever...  I need, want too but really need, to get back to work on these things.  Hmm, some slacks may go in to the dry cleaner.  Not my favorite way, simply required.

Later.

Belated.

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Sincere even so.  Merry Christmas.

Oh, I was in good cheer.  I did make a special Christmas meal.  I prayed through the day.  That will continue for the twelve days.  Only I was a bit limited from what I have been doing.  I overworked, just a bit, so was a bit lower level.  No fuss, worry, or pain, mind you.  Oh, and I seem to have misplaced my phone.  Perhaps when I visited my friend I left it at his place.  So odd, that is the first time I have left my phone elsewhere.  I have lost it here at home.  I have forgotten it in the vehicle.  Then again, I should check there first.  Oh, and when I find it, I best make some calls.

It was a good, if quiet, Christmas.  I hope your day was enjoyed.  If you have too much company and bother to enjoy it, I merely suggest that you divest yourself of the excess.  Oh, trust me, you can.  It is a choice.  It is a fine holy day to keep humble, simple, and right.

No pain, enjoying life, a little tired from overdoing.  And yet that was good too.  It is much better, in my estimation, to fall just a bit after overdoing than to fall for no reason whatsoever.  I love to work, visit, do, and go.  After I recover, I hope to get back to it.  We have good snow.  Snowshoes might be doable.

Just letting you know I haven't gotten into too much of a bind or anything.  Be well, again Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a fine New Years Eve celebration or solemnity and then begin the next year on a good foot.

Oh, right.

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I have been so busy I didn't blog.  Two days ago, I got in to visit my friend.  He had been ill, and down.  Harshly.  The flu, deathly ill.  I told him, if he is ever that ill, to call.  I won't overstay, but I can bring him flu medicine, I can find chicken soup and bring that... preferably from one of the shops that makes it fresh, I can bring groceries or other needs.  In senior living, someone that ill becomes a person non grata.  Fear runs high, death is always near.  I am... rather healthy for being mostly dead.  However, having been down for a month or more, and probably worse than me, plus with no company, well... We talked all night.

I returned late, but had promised my mother I would get out, had other business, and such.  I didn't go to bed until 8:30 yesterday, but needed to be up by noon.  I woke at about 11:00, but had to shower and push to make it to the post office by noon, they close then.  So I pushed.  As I was getting ready to go, I realized it had snowed, and enough that driving over it would... be problematic... packing snow into ice along the drive length.  Never good, can last all winter.  So... I grabbed the shovel and cleared a place for the wheels the length of the drive.  About killed me, but I really had things to do, I made promises, I was dedicated and directed.  And the clock was ticking.  I did make it to the post office, and in time.

Then I went on to town.  Bank business, this, that, an attempt to get in to have my tires rotated, if that failed... but I felt sorry for the lads, they were backed up and running hot, and so close to Christmas.  On and on, I did task after job after duty, knocking them down and out as fast as I could.  I couldn't do everything, but I showed up and made the effort.  Then I got my friend out again.  I needed a coffee reload.  Since I make such a good deal on it in bulk, I could afford to offer him some of it.  Plus, as much as I get, it gets a bit old by the time I am down to the last of it.  A good deal all around.  So to the shop.  Only, this time, they sorted the big bag into little ones for me!  Fantastic.  Now both my friend and I have, to my taste buds, the best coffee in the valley.  And, even so, because of the deal, I make off with 1/2 pound free, unless my math on that was wrong.  Though I don't think so.  But... that's why I'm not an accountant.  :p

Oh, but while I was away?  Someone came and stole all the rest of the snow off my drive!  Thank you, by the way.  Somethings are gladly found to be missing.

In any case, two long days out, much done, lots of conversations...  It took me away.  I hope, however, that I caused no concern.  And, maybe, that my ability to turn things around, get out, push, work, drive, visit, and such... inspires.  I am hoping it lifts the pall from the last months and offers a chance to get things going again.  Yes, yes I do.  If I can keep some things on tap, I would like to get to practicing with the snowshoes before long, and maybe set up my hammock.  While I don't, yet, have it set for winter, perhaps with my full winter/wet bivy kit, it might still work.  A nap, outside, to test, from time to time.  And experimentation with this and that if it isn't quite enough as is.  YES!

And a merry Christmas Eve to you all.  I'll sure attempt to post something for the morrow.  I'm a bit tuckered.  So a day or two to recover.  And, yet, I should be able to write, and in good cheer.  Oh, and maybe a post later as well.  Tired, but not busted up, for all my doings.  Later.

A couple of thoughts, observations, and goings on.

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In no particular order.

My friend called.  He has been quite ill.  His heart is bad, like mine.  On top of it, he has had the flu.  Okay, I can understand that.  I've been down and haven't had the flu.  It's all a matter of margins.  I just got the message.  My phone can be funny.  Sometimes it won't even show someone called.  Sometimes it shows, but doesn't transfer the message that I late found was supposed to have been left, and sometimes, like this time, I just got the "call" notification, and message, but a bit late.  Never mind, I'll work with this as I may.  It's good to hear he hasn't decided against being friends.  He is a complicated fellow.  Some just are.  Then again, I would guess I am considered complicated myself.

I found out that it had snowed last night.  So my eyes were not deceiving me.  The thing is, by this morning, a warm front moved through.  We received rain today and through into this evening.  Rain?  There are six(?) inches of snow out there.  Weird.  I would have thought the rain would have washed more of the snow away.  Nope.

Another friend.  I think about his situation often.  I see that, usually, he is fairly happy with things.  Sometimes life gets a bit... questionable though.  He wonders if he did things right, if he is doing all he can, if what he is doing is what he should be doing.  I have to guess his life station is more than just involved, it is overwhelming.  In his shoes a man can either attempt to maintain order and control, slowly slipping into madness, or he simply has to... just understand.  He probably has no clue that I am envious, in the better of ways, of his life.  He's not an 85%'er.  He's not a 100%'er.  Sometimes going over potential capacity is like juggling one too many items.  I see that too.  And yet, going that extra distance?  That's what makes him a man, a real one, a good one.

I know it doesn't always seem like luck.  I try to confirm, often, that his life choice and paths are much preferred to mine.  But mired in the middle of it, with the cloying demands and confusion it must seem otherwise.  I just hope he and his woman live well long enough to see the next generations begin, and then be able to understand fully.  Only one way to really see that, time and sacrifice.  Perfection?  Your all, plus, as with the widows mite, is more than many, most.

There are some people who are worth knowing.  Of those, only a very few cause me a form of envy... a proper, good, form of that mind you.  He is one of those.

I think I mentioned, that, while I did the driving, and much else, my friend who died had been of great help to me as well.  He called, if I didn't.  He had ideas of what else to do, where to go, or a new gun to shoot.  He helped me stay awake, aware, or more so.  And, you know, I did tell him.  I don't know that he believed.  He sometimes thought I was a little odd.  But when no shoe dropped, I think, in time, he realized I was just another.  He will be missed.

Depending on whether there is ice, I am hoping, eventually, sometimes this week, to get into town.  I need some things, desperately.  I sure hope it didn't ice up.  I keep hearing vehicles go by, seemingly at regular speed, so perhaps not.  If my friend is up to it, I'll get him out.  If he isn't, I'll see if he needs anything.  Tissue, flu goop, food, coffee.

Stiff, sore, sleepy.

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No major issues.  That's just how winter days can be.  It has been cloudy for a while now.  I tell you, being active in heavy winter or hot summer just isn't natural.  Less so with age, actually on either edge of the age spectrum.  As I remember it, as a child, winters were harsh.  Of course, pushing through, or being pushed through, those times and in cold climates is what makes people strong.  Even now, attempting to push through is more important than resting.  Though rest is more needed.

I woke several times to use the facilities.  While up, I looked outside to see if there was more snow.  For some reason I thought we had gotten a couple of inches.  Now that I am actually awake, and looked again, I don't think so.  Snow may have blow over some areas, but not all and not all that much.  Still, I may get out and do a bit of shoveling for upkeep.  It sure beats what I thought I was going to have to do... shovel a long drive clear of several inches.  I need to wake better first.  That will take just a bit.

I am sleeping more hours.  Which is throwing my system off.  Days and nights are definitely tumbling.  Medicines are being taken regularly.  Though for how long I don't know.  I am needing to order more and I don't know if they will send them.  If they do, I'll schedule with the doctor.  I may try to reorder today, if not tomorrow.  I have to be awake enough to talk and listen.

Three dreams I remember.  None of great import, save one but just to me.  One of the non-important ones was sort of endearing.  A little girl, like one of the actresses from the Brady Bunch, when she was young, walked up to me and just said Mr. "Doom", my surname in the quotations.  And looked into my eyes.  Hair all up in curls and tails and such.  It was as seeing a bird on a branch out a window, or sensing the first wind of spring after a long winter.  I suppose this has import, in a way.  The other was more about the mechanics of the universe, as regards life... and death.  The other dream faded.

Reading, writing, and gaming are what I used to attempt to gain purchase on my day.  I may, if I can, make a call today.  Or three.  Or soon.  Later.

A bit gruff.

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Just a tiny bit off this morning.  But this is, really, about as good as mornings get if you aren't a morning man.  I am not a morning man.  Some say it is will, or faking it until you make it.  But that can't be true.  I really think some people are made to be happy when they wake, and enjoy waking early.  My brother was exactly that.  Probably still is, as far as happy goes.  I was his polar opposite.  No matter how hard we tried, we never were able to do what the other did so naturally.  I have actually, in spite of my health, certainly not because of it, made great strides toward being a day man.  Health, but not that alone, causes my schedule to drift.

My neck is just a touch cranky, and shoulders.  A bit groggy because sleep is twisting in the winter winds.  None of that is bad.  I can deal with this, and probably, maybe, find my pace, perhaps do a bit of work.  As with yesterday, I was not able to arrange for good clothing.  I still haven't found my oxfords.  Hmm...  I know.  I'll... try to get those things set up.  I could be fumingly angry at myself but at this point I know better.  I will simply, and only, make attempts.  If I fail, as I am forgiven, and as I make great pains to forgive, I must learn to forgive myself.  Being crippled isn't a sin, in God's eyes.  It is a secular, or worldly, sin.

I still see hope.  I think I can, if I gear and push and watch make it to more action this week, through the week.  I had hoped to get out for several events, but also to do shopping.  I have been out of milk and cream for a rather longish time.  Hopefully, before the week is out, I will get out.  My main goal, however, is to rip in and clean.  That has fallen far behind.  As well, keep food on tap.  I may see about what eggs I have, check them, and boil some.  Thawing brats to be cooked tomorrow, and making a pot of grain mush as well, might see me to food on tap.  That always helps... or at least opens up a few more opportunities.

On the good side, I wasn't missing medicine as badly as I had thought.  It must just be the very short and relatively dark days that have been throwing me.  All good.  I'll keep looking for chances, stay on top of what I can, and get to it as I may.  I really enjoy work.  I think I will get to wear myself out a couple of times, at least, this week.  Wish me luck?  Later.

Well, something stirred.

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I had to push just to get some painkillers down, and then medicine.  I sat, for hours, unable to really get anything working.  I blogged a bit, read other blogs, looked at what passes for news, though more simply got a bit lost in the ether.

Finally hunger offered a bit of motivation.  That didn't, at first, allow me to cook.  It simply got me to finally take medicine and painkillers.  A bit more freefloating and then I got to making a meal.  Chuck roast, again.  Once a week.  I am getting better at making it.  I have settled on a few spices and a simple technique.  Thyme, sage, sometimes bay leaves if I am up to picking a few of the muscles apart in order to place the leaves inside the roast, garlic, and salt.  I leave that, at room temp, for an hour.  The salt, just as with steak, draws the moisture left in the beef out, then  returns it, infusing the interior with the spices and herbs.  Oh, and it tenderizes just a bit.  After the hour is up, give or take (more, actually, never less time), I then sear the roast.  No need to do the sides, that ends up getting the interior too done.  I slowly heat my cast frying pan, with fat (usually tallow), until it is hot enough to truly sear the roast.  Four minutes of that, then over and repeat, for the same time.  While I am heating that pan, I get the oven set to 415F, so that by the time I am finished searing, the oven is ready.  After both sides have been seared, the roast and pan go right into the oven.  Today I added baby carrots.  Well, they were just this side of bad and I can't find any peanut butter.  Rather than waste, roast.

Now, if I have guests, I will cook the meat for about 30 minutes.  That will see it to being done enough for women types and the men who are like them.  For myself I only cook it for 25 minutes, maybe 20 if... my native hungers are more in play.  When I played I played like I used to work and just as I eat... even to this day, bloody.  Once a week, this has become a regular.  I may begin trying to cook more often again.  Even cooking twice a week, plus with the incoming, might be enough.  Boiling eggs again would also help, though just a dozen... for three every other day, say.  Grain type stuff would be nice, for an add.  And, maybe, keeping onions on hand, and carrots, to add to meats.  I do need to eat more, this I know.  Well, that's the plan.

Something happened between, this, that, and the next thing.  An awakening.  I have business to attend, things to do, and maybe a way to it.  It does look frightening, especially with an overweening government that seems hellbent on destroying this nation, on purpose... an electorate that reminds me of the crowd who release Barnabas... in more ways than one, all mainstream institutions brutalized to work against the very reasons they were created, and a bureaucracy that was supposed to be built for my health turning it's hand against me in such a way as to literally be seeming to attempt to murder me.  Yeah.  It does look tough.  And?  I've been against the odds since I was born.  Even with genocide against babies not yet legalized, there were still ways women attempted to butcher their children.  In a world that was fighting the sins of the parents, their children were more likely to be the targets.  Having the wrong name in the wrong place meant having to fight as few can.  Having neither life nor death in my court, being more a weapon each used against the other as some sort of futile proof of it's superiority while each denying that my very existence negated their ability to have a proof.  Each made me stronger.  Perhaps wiser.  Certainly leading me to Wisdom.  If, not initially, all that happy about it.  Still, when seeking the truth and being lead to Wisdom inexorably end up being the same path, only two choices remain.  And, no, I am not saying God is on my side.  I am simply not that big.  I am saying, for my part, I aim to be on His side.  Nothing more.

So, after all this, something is moving in me.  Will it lead to great works today?  Maybe, maybe not.  Soon?  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I also, once again, do not worry.  I will do as I must, can, and what will happen after and from that will happen.  Hope?  Faith.  Charity too.  Yes.  I will begin as soon as I may.

Sleep and pain.

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I have some things I had hoped to do this weekend.  I don't think I can.  I went down early last evening.  I hurt most of the night.  Muscles, internals, a headache.  I kept trying to sleep past it or wake through it.  Neither worked.  I am awake but not in the best of shape.  Oh, I'll get better.  Just not soon.  Bleh.  I'll keep working on things.

I had several odd dreams.

In the first I was palling around with a dame, back in the day.  No, not a lover, not this one.  I think she was real, I just can't recall how or when I knew her.  She is one of those women who got away.  I suspect she thought the same about me.  But we had a ball just... going places, doing things, eating out.  It's almost like we were meant to be but that it just never happened that way.  Perhaps we met right after we had left someone else and just needed to figure out how to like the opposite sex again.  Yeah, she was a doll.

Anyway, it ended up that we were both into photography.  Well, once a year, there was a mass marriage ceremony and two of our friends, mutual friends to some degree, were to wed.  She talked me into joining the photographer pool.  There were some amazing sites to be seen, and it was an interesting experience.  Trying to track our friends among thousands of couples was a trick though too, so that took a good deal of my time.  Anyway, toward the end of the event, which ran into night as the event turned into a feast, the photographers pool was on scaffolding near the water when the scaffolding tipped.

Now that was a bit of a spooky experience.  With three levels of scaffolding, each full of people, hemmed in by each other and barriers on the sides, all falling, all falling into water, most still hemmed in, everyone trying to get to air...  A few bumps and bruises, myself.  I don't think anyone was hurt.  I was able to save the pictures.  No one was seriously hurt.  Just a memory, if a dream memory, and not a favorite one.

There was a lot more to it, but those are the highlights.  Dang but she was a pretty woman.  It's a good thing, in real life, duty called.  Or I would have broken her heart.  At least she had one guy she liked in that way to end up as a friend in memory.  If, to be honest, I don't think, for the woman's side of things, that is a good thing.  Better to have a broken heart, I am told, than a friend.  Bleh.  Dames!

I'll take anicin, and medicine.  Perhaps I have been missing medicine.  That isn't all of it though.  It seems to be a piling on of this and that.  I'll still try to do some things, but I'm pretty crippled up, beyond the pains.  The pains aren't that bad, any of them, on their own.  Even all together they aren't too horrible.  But they aren't the main problem with getting to things, either, as I wrote.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I never did lift off.

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Or not yet.  Feeling good enough, I did have a bite to eat.  I attempted to read, blogs and what horrid material passes as even conservative news.  Just couldn't focus.  I read a bit more into SJWs Always Lie.  The first part wasn't so interesting.  In part because I read much of it as it was happening, so the first part of the book was old news.  There wasn't much I could do about it then or now.  As I passed the halfway mark, maybe a bit more of the way through the book, it has become interesting again.  How to deal with sjws, really, is what I was interested in.  While they can't fire me, I think they are attempting to end my life through attacks on my medication.  That wasn't the only way they attacked, and isn't the only remaining way.  Including one of the female "doctors" attempting to diagnose something into my records that doesn't exist as an health issue.  Though, truth be told, since I deal with government, there is no way to fight sjws in there.

I can't quite get going.  I am hoping to get a shower or bath.  Then maybe figure out something to eat this evening, out or in, I don't care.  It would be nice to make sure I can set up dress clothes for the next few days.  Shoes... I know I have oxfords, just not where.  And they probably need polished.  If I get a shower in, or bath, maybe shopping.  Though maybe not until tomorrow.  It's messy.  I'm not working as well as I would like.  I'll keep at it.  That's that for now.  If things turn up, or out, well, I'll post something later.

Trying to figure some things out.

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So... all night... I dreamed.  Of doing this.

That sucks.

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I considered what to send my brother and family for Christmas.  Sure, perhaps a card.  Not enough.  Gifts?  But what.  Who would like what?  Food?  Sure, but with various health issues and preferences, no.  I finally decided on something.  With advise.  A really nice floral arrangement, for the Christmas centerpiece.  I went all in, as far as such things go.  Nearly a week after ordering I just received a notice that the order has been canceled.  There are no florists close enough.

Yeah, I'll... keep thinking.  Hmm, might have to make a call or two.  We might not always get along.  Might?  Always.  Toss in the sister-in-law and we have a hoot.  But... family isn't about getting along.  Not from my side of things.  I'll keep trying.  They do their best, kids as they are.  Yeah, I'll think of something.

Life sure can be frustrating.  That's not a terrible thing though.  It's what, for even those of us at the bottom of the pile... should we hold on... makes us stronger.  I can only keep getting back up if I keep getting knocked down.  This is a small one.  I'll figure something out.  Good night.

Thoughts as I prepare to sleep.

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Yeah, I'll try.  No promises.  With such a long nap I can't be sure.

Thoughts?  Chickens.  For eggs, up front.  Perhaps, in time, for meat.  Though, just as likely, those would be two different operations, different breads, the works.  In any case, I have been researching chicken feed, breeds for both meat and eggs, feeders and watering systems, heating, and whatever else people which to write or discuss.

People are passionate about their operations.  Some, to my mind, such as those who feed their chickens "organic" food, are foolish.  The rest remain to prove out or fail out.  If I have to have chickens, I don't mind putting a little work in on them.  Mixing my own feed?  If it is economical in the longer run, provides better eggs and fowl health, and just works, sure.  If it's a fool's errand, perhaps not.  Though, quite often, there is only one way to know.

More?  Sure.  If I am going to get involved with chickens, and if that works and I don't kill the birds?  Then why not goats.  You know I've considered them.  Sure, more work.  Much more care, higher costs, worries about disease and feed especially if the drought continues, but... milk, meat, and just the idea of having livestock on the place.  The freezer is fine.  Canning is good.  But without living breeding food, those other things are merely stop-gaps.

We'll see.  I actually have three places for various critters.  One is definitely set up as a hen house, the other two could be used for additional hens, goats or sheep, or even a cow.  It does get a bit complicated though.  Even just with hens.  How many, feeding, how to care for the animals if you must travel, lots of difficulties.  A small farmstead of livestock would be much more difficult.  Though, too, there are ways having more than one type of creature can help.  Chickens can clean out goat pens, goats might provide some protection from predators.

It's been an interesting few days of further research.  I have no idea how, at least for themselves, how people can feed their animals organic feed.  If it's for sale, I suppose they have figured out how to make it pay.  But for themselves, unless they are independently wealthy, I don't think it works.  You can throw good money after bad, but it really doesn't work.  Talk to your grandparents, or great grandparents.  I think a lot of people have lost a great deal along the way.  Though, too, even that generation had lost something.  When white bread became a thing, it became popular.  It also caused such massive malnutrition that the school lunch program was started.  White does taste better, and it is easier to digest, it just doesn't really feed people.  And, yes, many people would rather have tasty food than good food.  Organic, however, isn't it.  It's an adverse reaction to a real problem.

Good night.  Or later.

A five hour nap.

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Nothing hurts.  I really didn't do that much work.  Shortly after shoveling and then going to the post office, I went in to sleep and blinked five hours away.  I think when I first stepped out to shovel, the thermometer out back... I thought... read around 20 F.  I may have misread though.  For me, the temp was fine.  I wasn't dressed too warmly, though I did need mittens.

After the work I did feel chilled.  I couldn't really warm up during sleep either.  I am still a bit chilly.  I'll turn the heat up and best feed the girls.  Yeah, I think I forgot to do that.  I went down really hard and fast.  I may see about a shower and shopping tonight.  No promises, just... a hope at this point.  Plus a meal on the way.  I am hungry.  Later.