A bit better.

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It didn't hurt to wake.  Or, not much.  I feel pain in my sleep, so have an idea of what I will be facing when I wake.  Sometimes, for that reason, I will attempt to sleep longer.  Sometimes more consciously, sometimes less, strongly weighted favoring the former.  Still, for the first time in a bit, a fistful of painpills.  It will handle all small complaints.  And jacking the furnace, taking a shower, then shaving, I'll be prepped for a serious launch today yet, or tomorrow.

I'll set tea to go, for fresh fatted hot tea.  Then make bacon and eggs.  Yeah.  Medicine first, along with the aspirin.  Damn straight.  I'll get it going for preflight prep, or even launch yet today.  I don't have that much laundry, or dishes actually.  Collecting and removing trash isn't a big job either, if rebagging needs to happen.  Rebagging is more work than taking the trash out, the way I do it.

I need to do a bit of shopping.  The ducks are down to one dishpan for water.  Soon I will finish an outdoor fence for them, so use the bigger tub for their water.  But at night, I still want to have a smaller fresh water container in for them, as much to help with heat as hydration.  So, more tubs.  As well, the trial of smaller trash buckets in the kitchen really didn't work.  I will relocate those, one to the bedroom, not sure about the other.  If I could find big rubber bands, to hold the bags securely so they don't slip down, that would also be good.  And, finally, perhaps a small mop and bucket.  I liked the idea of an industrial mop and caddie, but I never end mopping enough flooring at once to make that pay.  Extra heads too... so I can mop the bathroom floor, spot or whole, much more frequently, and change the tops when they get yish.  Ugh?  Actually not bad, or too expensive.

Oh, I'd best reset meds.  Some new stuff is in.  One two-week set is empty, and adjustments even on the current stuff is needed.  I was absolutely correct about carvedilol, I was at my limit.  One more 6.5 mg tab, over the 25 mg I take portioned daily, and I was getting into zombie mode.  As well, two water pills simply don't cut it, which also means I need to up potassium.  Never easy.  Hard to stay on top of things, meaning adjustments are brutal.  Still, it's what I have to do.

Later.

Sometimes I wonder.

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I... have... doubts.

You found me.

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Yes.

Well done.

Problems abound.

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In the technical arena, gmail has become inaccessible.  The link I had been using leads to nowhere.  I searched for other links via web searches.  The same results.  As well, I am not sure if blogger has killed comments, but it may have.  I don't know if I am flying blind.  I wonder if it has to do with outing Joseph Stalin as a non-excommunicated Jesuit Priest?

Health is also troubled.  Some of it is from trying to push nights to days.  I'm getting there, it has some costs associated with it.  Bones and joints from the waist up, a couple of headaches somehow... one interior, one from bones.  At least neither is a migraine.  Still having difficulty eating.  Oh, and missing meds.  In part due to stretching my day, in part because that is causing confusion.

Ugh.

Getting to work is difficult.  Perhaps, as I am sorting things, odds will improve.  Some decisions were finally made, which will help.  First, no ski pass... this year.  It is so reasonable that I will save for it, including lessons and equipment rental.  If I go often enough I will eventually buy my own gear.  I just can't do it yet, and, as I see it, either all at once or not at all.

Expenses skyrocket if done in parts.  With five lessons and a year, it sits at ~$500, with rental.  Take out rental, it lowers initial cost but individual rental for just the lessons and you are at a comparative dollar loss.  Whole hog or stay home.  So... swimming.  If a decision there, too.  I will probably go with whoever can do smaller batch passes.  No contracts. Then I will go with several, so if my schedule is good for a particular one, or if one is busy, I have options.

It may seem strange, but the pressure leading to more complex decisions can be extremely vexing, taxing, even leading to exacerbated health issues.  Between nearing a day schedule, and having decided several issues, I can now try to move forward.  I have also set up an echo cardiogram and dental appointment, plus am trying to call my V.A. doc about fast acting insulin.  If I have to do something, which seems likely, my other doc and myself want that path.  If I have to try to go over, under, or around her, unfortunately that is what I will do.  Yeah, another stress.  And her nurse wasn't in or taking messages.  Ugh.

So... messy.  But trying to get things sorted.  Bleh.  Later.

Ugh!

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I hate phone calls.  Still...  Two appointments arranged at the V.A.  I also tried to call my doc, regarding insulin.  Not there, not taking messages.  Two out of three.  As well, if online, I looked up when the ski resort is open.  The goal is a visit soon.  Nothing planned was done.

I will shave and shower, and feed the ducks.  Not sure about anything else.  Will try to be awake until afternoon.  And might place a few more calls.  Swimming.  Yeah.  Other than stolen gas, swimming isn't that expensive.  I just need to check some things... if anyone answers, or knows.  I... understand.  I've been courtesy phone without a clue before.  Teaches humility and phone etiquette.

It looks slightly or more overcast.  But there is a feel of spring in the air.  I am actually, now, trying to enjoy the cold before the heat hits.  It's coming, and it always bowls me over.  I'll try to harvest as much cool as possible to try to beat the summer for as long as I can.

Dreaming.  She wants me to call.  Something... changed.  Things once believed have shifted.  Not sure I should call.  This isn't the first time she reached out.  The call is getting weaker, if... never mind.  Yes, I hear you.  I... I am thinking.  Hard.  *grins*

I keep playing.

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By the rules?  Are there rules?  My rules, but do they count?  Assuming I can pay attention well enough to understand rules in any case.  Whether by the rules or not, I keep setting things up and trying to complete and compete.  It hasn't been a terribly successful week... month... but it... well, I live.

Blood sugar was weird yesterday.  From fasting to before and after meals it stayed plus or minus ~seven of 220.  I even tried to nudge it higher.  Nothing doing.

Picking up trash, taking a shower, putting a load of laundry in, then a nap?  Then dishes restarted, a shave, ducks, then cats?  Something like that.  A bit of online shopping.  First of the month, always things to buy.  It'll be a lean month, so I trimmed the list.  Ugh.  I best get to it.  Later.

Oh, well, yeah?

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I did find my debit card.  I spent time on several occasions.  I didn't want the hassle of ordering a new one.  I haven't been able to do much at once, so bit part piece, in a fairly organized fashion, as much as possible.  As usual, it was in the last place I looked.  That indicates some level of competence.

Shopping last night.  Just toilet paper.  What the heck happened with the price of that! It was three times as expensive as last time I was in!  Further, they don't offer it in the megapacks anymore.  I was buying 45 rolls at a time, all I can get now is 18 rolls per package, at the same price as the 45 rolls.  Wow, either inflation is ramping up or central planning is allocating vastly differently.  Insane.

I will try to get a shower in, and do one load of laundry through to completion.  I'll hit the ducks shortly.  If I think I will be cutting cat food to one can between them, instead of two.  It's not quite spring, but they need to start being more active.  Sassy has really gained weight.  If I thought a treadmill for cats would work, I'd consider it.  Sam just stays rail thin.  I worry about each for the opposite reason.

I'll make a few calls today.  Really thinking about a ski pass along with swimming.  It wasn't as expensive as I had thought, as well as a rental pass.  Though, throw in lessons, while a great deal, it... gets spendy.  Still, I was quite excited to see the potential.  It would be tight this month, again, but the passes would be good for a year.  They also have cross country, snowboarding, ice skating, and probably snow shoeing trails, plus summer events.  Not until tomorrow, but I could call to check a few things.

Oh, she sent another one, I have a response.

New understandings. Continued.

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Ah, right.  I got swamped laying a conceptual foundation.  Right.  Now... where was I?

Ever sense you hit a nerve?

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That of another trickster, or a woman... women, some from both sets?  Groovy, baby.

Wait, women are tricksters.  Oh, yeah.  Turn money into their junk.

The devil, Hel said?  Maybe.  Maybe she said it, maybe it's a sort of truth.

From one to one, of either... in some odd shapes and forms?  Just what registered.

New understandings.

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As spring, or life, especially both, return, the pains of quickening return with it.  What I surrender, leave for a time, tries to cling... not let go.  Oh, I'll explain.  If first I will start off with another new understanding, but only for you.  It is not only Christianity which has the four horsemen, if seen through pagan, false eyes.

When I must.

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Laugh.  Point.  Take it.  Give it.  Leave it.  More.  Whatever.

I keep crashing and burning.

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If I could gain even a bit off lift, get more done, there would be that.  I did get the trash out, I did get out to eat.  I did shower.  Not much, if just barely something.  Sleep cycles are spinning.  Spring must be approaching.  All good.  I will keep at it.  Ducks have gotten extra water and a fresh batch of hay.  Tea has been set.  I am thinking about food.

Roasted turkey later, fatted tea and chia and flax cereal first.  I really am not hungry, I just know to eat.  For the moment.  My difficulty with fasting is concentration... I will forget and eat.  Hmm, might finish of a tub of broth with cream as well.  While I am not fasting, I am not actually eating either.  It isn't intermittent fasting, or a patterned one. It's a bit of a mess.  Sleep irregularities make it impossible.

Another shower today.  It's all ready, might as well take advantage.  The trash barrel will be pulled back.  A bag taken out.  Then dishes and laundry started.  If things get at least started...  Oh, I missed a day of medicine in there.  I'll restart those.  I did fairly well for a month, only two major misses.  We'll see when other meds get in.

Yeah, I'll try to hit it, and push back to days.  Spring always reminds me of my out of the boat whitewater experience... tumbling, trying to get air, trying to stay above the water, trying not to get broken, swirling between warm, wet, extra cold, light dark, and blue.  It's just a much slower pace.  Control is no better for all the extra time I have, which always makes it worse.

A different tack.

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Food.  I need food.  Most of what I am cooking is not satisfying my hunger, is repulsive, or I simply can't eat enough of to find satisfaction.  The problem?  Hell if I know.  Perhaps the keto curse is making me blind, metaphorically speaking, to keto food.  I went for a drive and picked up food.  It was good enough.

I need food to function.  I need food for warmth.  High fat food just can't be eaten currently, and meat is turning right to insulin as well as having become inedible as well.  And yet I am not ready to fast.  I'm just not there.  It's a grind.  Something had to give.

It seems I lost my debit card.  I had enough cash, but that doesn't work for long.  I'll just order another.  The usual places yielded no card.  I'll have to get a bit of cash for a few weeks.  They don't rush these things.  If you owe them, it is paid before.  If you need something, they will get to it.  I am thinking of changing to a credit union.  Not sure that makes a difference?  I wonder if there is one for vets?  Not always a good thing, only if not government associated... even then, no one but "family" can screw you like that.  Still, worth investigation.

The bank isn't horrible, truth be told.  All institutions will take their time.  It is their anti-white advertising that has me questioning some things.  It's grotesque and everywhere, though not sure if other institutions are any different?  It's getting nasty out there.  When whites start realizing how nasty they are being treated, and get butt-hurt about it, things will get broke.  I'm just hoping they do some friend-foe tagging first.  If I understand why not.  A lot of people may end up going home, even if for the first time... if they survive.  Many former of our elites may be leading them... the ones lucky enough to see the wave right before it hits.

They don't see the rage building.  I do.  Don't piss off a lot of white people, especially the middle to upper middle classes working real people.  Though how many non-drug using, non-alcoholic, whites are in the lower classes?  Yeah, truly not many.  It might be too late by then, like South Africa.  Who knows.  I just know who I choose to cast my lot with.  Whether accepted is not my choice.

Had a wild dream last night.  It was longer by far, but the rest was pretty typical car safari stuff.  I think it was in Siberia.  Anyway, I had to drive over a very long rickety bridge.  I had watched a convoy of straight trucks pass both ways, and other traffic, so went for it.  Over a seeming roiling river.

As I was about two-thirds the way over, I had a major curve.  A curve?  I could change that, but it might break the dream.  I was curious, so went on.  As I was turning, I bumped the cruise control button.  Mostly single lane with no side rails.  Right into the drink!  I could break the dream, but I wanted to see what happened next!

In, down, so cold.  Cast nipples, stuffed with shriveled testi matter?  Dark.  Swirlling, disorientating.  But I got out, surfaced, and to shore, in fairly short good order.  I had thought the banks were muddy, but no.  Sandy, rocky, substantial.  Hands were helping me up and out.

The locals were used to this.  Beside tending me freely, they had my vehicle up and out very quickly, for $20 or $30.  They were curious what went wrong.  They chuckled, I joined them.  Vodka rounds until all was finally sorted after a few days.  Friends made, gifts exchanged, then back on my way.  I almost ended up with a sister.  Almost.  Being an early riser on the road, and being able to lie through my teeth has saved me more than once.  At least I didn't leave her with child... to the best of my recollection.

Later, or good night.

Holy moly.

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That's biblical by the way.  I don't need your trust, look it up.  Lazy so-and-so.

Rough.  Woke up with innards, bones, and unknowns hurting.  Really bad hurts.  Had a few people mice visit.  If they didn't wake me, they did get me to rise, make it official.  A tv, or monitor.  I have several.  Good thing I woke, they would have borrowed the small one.  Hmm, I hope they remembered an html cable.

I am feeling better as I wake.  The ducks got theirs, the girls are demanding theirs.  As well, I will hit two of their litter boxes, completely changing them out.  The other was done at the start of the month.  Keep up on them and the last a long time.  I may see if they like clumping litter.  It is so heavy though.  I am considering an automatic litter box, but the have to be willing to use the litter.  Perhaps a machine in front and back of the house.

A shower next.  Then dishes and dinner.  I think an egg casserole would do, perhaps boiling eggs, maybe chia cereal to start.  Blood sugar continues to rise while I am stuck only eating bites and bits.  Not even drive through food can pique my interest in food.  Nothing sounds or tastes good, and yet I am hungry.  I wonder if they are experimenting with food, trying to make it all bland, then randomly returning the flavor.  Though, they say, keto will do that.  The problem is, if I was in keto... my blood sugar should be dropping.  Perhaps to much percentage protein, even if a severe deficit caloric intake?  Maybe.

I will try to get more calories in, and a much higher percentage of fat.  Cream, raw, is technically the absolute best good fat.  However, I think it being liquid, something gets lost in the translation.  Nuts are good, but are a problem due to omega 6's.  Avocado is excellent, if keeping it on hand is tricky, and cost.  Though I have learned a trick.  Let them ripen then refrigerate.  It really adds a week, two?  I have heard you can freeze, but I have never had enough of a sale to buy in that sort of quantity.  The problem with fatty meats is you really have to cook them to no more than a light medium rare at most.  My preferred, but you really have to be right on it.  More fat, if I can eat.

Called my mother back.  She has eight foot drift out there.  A massive snowstorm, not sure if it has stopped, though I believe so.  Eight foot banks and drifts, they haven't even gotten to her road out front yet.  I have doubts about even tomorrow.  As long as heat is going and food is available, I recommended just kicking feet up, reading, and enjoying the downtime.  I'll call tomorrow, see how she is doing, if she found someone to dig her out.  She a go-girl.  Being stuck at home is tough.  A call helps.

A shower shortly, a trim first.  I'd love to shave to the quick if I can after.  Try for food, litter, trash together and out, dishes, laundry, and sorting in several rooms.  It's unlikely but possible.  Not but one to two loads of anything, most trash is already out, and sorting for an hour in each of several spots would do well.  Doubtful?  Thus hope.  Later.

In theory.

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And given the givens.  A tank off it's tracks, while not completely defunct, is imperilled and with limited offensive capababilita.  So it it is.  Drag me to a well devised choke point and I can hold them off for days... longer if not betrayed.  Oh yes, not finished yet.  Not by a long shot.

Strange.

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I can't eat much.  Nothing tastes good.  Fatted tea is too heavy, light food just isn't cutting it.  Cabbage was okay.  Perhaps if I could boil eggs?  Especially with salad and plenty of salad dressing, as well as eggs.  Hmm, I lost the avocado and it is gone.  Bah! Perhaps buying more, as it is an excellent source of fat and goes exceptionally well with salad, olive oil dressings, and eggs.  You either love some of this stuff or it is terrible.

I made mixed meat and mushroom meat patties, along with cabbage.  I have eaten, but was tired of the food almost immediately, save for cabbage and butter.  I even spiced well, and added eggs to create a true meat loaf, if in smaller portions.  Just... boring.  I have about half the mash left.  I may fry it before long, using it in an egg and bacon casserole.  I can hope that is better.  Maybe I just don't like food anymore?

What is more annoying?  In spite of not being able to eat, my blood sugar is going up!  I may stick just with broth and cream and fatted tea, as little of that as I can eat?  Or more, as much as I can eat.  Annoying.  I'll keep at it.  Stupid, but nothing non-keto, and light volume to boot.

I need to finish a few things, then head to bed.  It's getting late.  Good night.

Awake.

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An ugly morning.  Improving quickly.  Food, in short order, will help.  The extra sleep, while still needed, became too much sleep.  Another day or two of it and life might be better.  It might take a bit to come down from the dose of medicine?  Another day to week, perhaps.  Fine.

Breakfast and a fatted tea shortly.  The ducks were managed a bit ago.  I would like to figure out a way to create nesting, so they won't crush their eggs when I feed them.  They haven't started laying yet, but it isn't far off, especially since they have already started eating their new food!  I am amazed, less than a week, if with half a week of mixed feed before.  Still, pleased about how fast they switched.  I'll hold off feeding the girls.  Especially being up a couple hours earlier than usual.

One more change of medication.  I wanted to change things one at a time though.  I feel fluid build up.  The deal, however, is if I take extra water pills I have agreed to take extra potassium.  Not a problem.  Otherwise my potassium drops to the border of too little.  I've discussed that before.  Finally a path I can afford.  I tried just two water pills, but that just isn't feeling right... a bit too swampy in there.  It might even account for some of the extra weight and lethargy.  Water, even just in cavities, is exhaustive.

Between a nap and a sleep.

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Much needed.  It helped.  I have been awake several hours but may go on back to sleep.  Part of the reason I am so tired is a strange version of insomnia.  Some of it from trying to push or pull sleep and wake cycles, some of it from things on my mind or schedule, but some of it, most of it, is from this odd inability to realize I needed sleep... just drifting through the need in a deep fog.

It may be medicine related.  I was taking one more carvedilol at night.  I meant to quit that... a while ago.  I did stop yesterday night.  Perhaps that is how I was able to sleep tonight.  It feels great, as if I am catching up on sleep.  I am, and feeling much better for it.

Someone has been going through my posts.  Every once in a while they might have a point.  I don't always get it, but sometimes.  Often it tracks with recent comments, when I understand.  It's the music I enjoy most.  Deep has been dug.  Perhaps looking for something or just looking.

Anyway, back to bed.  I am hoping to figure out swimming tomorrow.  As well, maybe a few other things.  I am well enough I will let the felines in tonight.  When well rested their company is good.  Good night, again.

So late.

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I couldn't get to bed well, easily, in a timely manner.  Zapped, but something was off.  Too full?  Part of it.  I'll be careful about food today.  I am hoping to sleep earlier tonight.  Perhaps if I can push some heavy work through this morning.  A couple of very solid, and a few light, work efforts, but early in my day.

Breakfast shortly.  Ribs and salad later.  Fatted teas through the day.  Perhaps an apple cider vinegar ketonic before the heavier meal.  If you have at least a bm a day, less than four, that tells me I am eating right, or closer to it.  No softserve, no rocks, keto is good for that if I stay on it.  While I had pizza yesterday, I at enough fat else to... butter the skids.  The only problem was that I may have eaten too much.

I was feeling a bit beat up when waking, and while trying to wake for five hours before. Every few hours I would, like the ground hog, pop up to see if it was time.  Even when I did wake it didn't feel right.  Had to push.  The aches are passing, if I am still sleepy.  Ducks were tended first thing.  I just started their new feed.  They aren't taking to it right yet.  I knew that was a likelihood.  I may only use this feed through egg season.  While corn has problems, it does provide warmth.  Cats will get tended shortly.  Sam is already telling me it is time.  If I blow her off long enough, Sassy takes over.  A couple hours later, they become hostile.

Dishes, maybe a load of laundry, work in the kitchen and bedroom, perhaps living room.  But be done by, say, 20:00.  I need to settle after work.  The harder I worked, the more time I need to cool down.  Assuming I can get to work, keep at it.  I can always hope and try.  Later.

Hungry?

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No.  But I should be.  One of my purchases was a end date steak.  It was set for tomorrow, and ribs, burger, and something else.  Not necessarily all to be cooked tomorrow, though maybe.  If in no way all to be eaten tomorrow.  Fresh mushrooms and half a pound of brussels sprouts were ready, all but calling my name.

Of course, those had to be ketofied.  How?  Butter, a quarter pound, plus a tablespoon with the steak.  The steak wasn't the fattest, being a new york strip, but not lean either.  Still, I have learned that butter just doesn't hurt, on keto.  Fat on fat.  I have gained weight, but that was from falling off keto.

Up to 268.  I had plateaued at 260, give or take four pounds, until I ran out of medicine then hit the flu.  I am hoping swimming and spring through fall will get me going.  That is down from 285.  I really want to find trail heads.  My initial goal is still 240, then a reassessment.  Perhaps that will be enough, if I doubt it.  I am guessing another twenty to forty pounds off.

I checked swimming pools again.  I really want the high school, but it looks like the only have a short adult lap time once a day during school.  If that is a mistake, and the have two swim times, I'll definitely give them a shot.  Not sure about the aca... gas was getting stolen.  I have a disability tag now though.  Still, if it was staff, it wouldn't matter.  There is another pool, possibly.  Any available I would like to give a try.  I suppose even aca, if on a trial basis.  Being a vet may make my auto a target for college types, from staff to student.  Perhaps there is a way around that.  Perhaps not.  Though this will also be possibly true at a high school.

Ugh.  Not sure I will get out tomorrow.  If not, Friday.  I am stuffed and tired.  Food was super.  I always worry about short buys, but this one was quite good, excellent.  Everything else was amazing.  So much better than fast food, if I don't count pizza as fast food.  Good night.