So very dark.

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And, yet, beautiful.  Stormy weather is a grace, of it's own sort.  It allows one to be a bit moody, but... for me... within constraints.  Mostly.  Even if I can't do much, I am enjoying the state... relaxed, if slightly moody, sleepy, but not quite to the point of failing.  Tunnel vision, if I think that is medicine.  I keep trying, to get to the list, and I keep failing.  So very tired, beside being sleepy.  Like being placed under a plank, and slowly having stones added.  Yes, that's... very much what it feels like.  I am wearing out, but not from doing things... just from what the medicine is doing to me?  Most likely.

Sassy gets as much attention as I can give her.  She helps me to remember... other things.  Though, too, I think she is a little disappointed in me.  She wants more attention.  I am doing my best, but... it's not much.  I get it.  She has priority, of all the things I do.  I thinks she realizes that, but... still... she wants more.  More than I can give.  Someone joked that we are married.  I... laughed.  Now I'm worried.  *grins*

A salad for supper.  I may have another.  Can't sort out what else to eat, or how to fix it.  So very tired.  Body aching tired.  But, not sleepy?  Or... sleepy enough to sleep?  A bit more to eat, and then maybe?  Oh, perhaps I'll have a fatted coffee, and protein.  Haven't had much protein, or fat, today.  Though the salad dressing I put together was actually quite good.  Mostly apple cider vinegar, but with some white wine vinegar on the side.  Italian seasoning, white pepper, and salt, to taste.  Well, and extra virgin olive oil.  Shaken well.  Will be better tomorrow, but wasn't bad this evening.  

I'll make a planer vinaigrette tomorrow, if adding hot spices.  I can give it a gentle hint of burn, or I can torch the salad.  Depends on mood, though I think hotter, tomorrow, if not scorching... to my tastes.  You... probably couldn't handle it.  Don't worry, most people really can't take Carolina Reapers... chili peppers.  I add just, say, an eighth of a teaspoon, if I want a soothing burn.  Half, if I want to scorch the thing.  Oh, and let that set overnight, to get infusion.  My mouth is watering at the notion.  Though, for a... philistine, I suppose I could go gentle.  I can titrate down, and make a really nice dressing with just a ghost of a hint of a burn.  Just enough to cause a flush, even if you don't quite know why.  Yes I can.

Medicine in.  The slow acting insulin is measured out and ready.  I have been taking very small doses, with meals.  And, it is working.  Blood sugar has been 125, 138, and 127 just recently.  Not... quite perfect, but... I can live with that.  I am just hoping the morning reads come done a bit better.  At 195 this morning, if an extreme... well... an outlier, the first higher number in several days... to a week or more?  Been coming down, just hit a bump today.  I think I even took slow acting last night, would have to check the previous posts... might or might be in there.

It is 44 out there.  No rain, or recently.  I hear the reservoir is down to 30%?  That is tight.  At some point, it doesn't matter how much water is in there.  It can't be used beyond some percentage.  But, that could mean serious trouble.  The dry season hasn't even hit yet.  Then again, I don't understand, fully.  We have been getting snow, rain, and all sorts of things as such, for the last two months?  I... don't believe what is happening.  I still suspect they are just shuttling water through, not keeping it, because Vegas, L.A., San Fran, and the rest, are about to crash.  It's a population and money thing.  It's got to be.  They wouldn't care if the little towns and people in small relatively poorer states like mine all died, as long as the big metros get their water.  I just don't believe what I am being told, compared to what I see, plainly.

I do think, if people realize they are being robbed, they may well do something about it.  Or not.  Part of the reason for fluoride, is to pacify the population.  The Nazis used it on the Jews, and others.  Pretty much kept them in line.  If they can keep the people they are slowly murdering in line, they can keep the people who don't even realize it, and possibly can't realize it, in line.

Well... back to... something... or nothing.  Later, or maybe even goodnight.

Forgot.

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Medicine.  But it is only noon, so down the hatch the first batch went.  I'll just need to remember to take the rest this afternoon.  Blood sugar was to 125.  I guess that is okay, given that I had two breakfasts... a hot and cold chia breakfast.  Just had some sardines.  

I am... probably picky.  Too picky?  Is there such a thing?  These sardines, while they have the tails attached?  Have the tails attached.  It is a very good thing, and bones in too.  Very good, in one sense.  Added nutrition by a goodly lot.  But... chewier.  Oh, and they have a clear lid, which means plastic.  I don't think that bodes well for shelf longevity.  I wouldn't eat this beyond a year, on my shelf.  Plastic just... doesn't do well.  I ordered them, and reordered without thought when the price bottomed.

If I had thought about it, as it seems many did, plastic just doesn't go well with... anything.  Though, I am pretty sure, too, that they coat the insides of cans with... something.  Everyone uses something.  They can call it whatever they want.  But, whether an oil, or a polymer, or... something else.  I think even soda cans have some sort of lining.  So, does it matter?  I... think they are poisoning our food slowly but surely.  When the people running the governments are old, often childless (especially in Europe).  When they have sold out, and given up.  Just enjoying being power puppets?  Right, yes.  Especially to the secular and evil.  They are... rather acquainted.  One doesn't believe in the other, if they seem to be on the same side most of the time.  Both believe people should be killed.  Secular believes there are too many, evil just loves to see chaos and murder.  And... they will get it.

I can't seem to get going today.  Darker than yesterday.  A bit cooler?  Seems so.  I am keeping my lists on my mind.  And, if an opportunity pops, will grab it like a chicken grabbing a grub.  Not procrastinating, waiting.  If I could stand for more than a bit, I'd be at it.  Pills are kicking me in the teeth.  I'm grinning, but it doesn't do much.

No cream, again, today.  Next week?  Maybe.  Asked about getting milk, and skimming.  But, a) skimmed milk isn't my gig... no use for it, b) I have never been able to successfully skim milk, and c) you don't get much.  Hmm... but... they do?  I think they skim milk.  I wonder, if I bought the milk, if they would get me the cream, and keep the skim?  I think that is what they drink... use.  That... might work out well, for both of us.  Texted query sent.

Hungry, but... not.  Hiccups?  Weird.  Dark, cool, yet a bit hot.  I turned the furnace up.  As soon as I go that way, I'll turn it back down.  Starting meds amplifies the dark, and other negative seeming sensations.  All good, I am thankful for challenges, tests, daunting propositions, and such.  Even if I can face, or handle them, I can turn to God... often with hat in hand.  Amen.

Well, back to... I don't know.  Whatever I am doing to trying to do.  So tired.  Later.

Up!

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Rein, rous!  So be it.

Down at 22:30, give or take a dime or less.  Woke at 02:56, to pee.  Realized the three alarm would not work, turned it off.  Planned for the fiver.  Thought I could just snooze to 05:30, but couldn't quite wake then.  Turned it off, but with a plan, which... actually worked.  Sometimes you just have to trust yourself.  Sometimes you will fail, other times, like today... and actually several times this last week, I have succeeded in waking beyond the alarm.

Had no choice, though.  Even so, it is nice when, with some concentrated effort, even through titration woes and weather, I can make it through.  Might not do much, but just being awake, in the early dark, and making... if often futile... plans.  Those plans, today?  Dishes, laundry, waterers, a shower, and maybe the litter box mats and a redo of the litter boxes, plus restationing some of them.  Perhaps one in the front room, one upstairs, and leaving one where they are now, in the kitchen.  But, I want the mats ready before I do that, so... yea.  Possible, some of it.  Oh, and I'd like to get the rabbits breeding, again.  Try.

Someone was looking through old, and really old, posts.  I only ever, usually, look at the posts with music.  I... can't read, especially my own stuff.  Though a few dream posts were... awesome.  I have had some terrible, wonderful, and interesting (to me) dreams.  Most other things, I can't read.  If... I can't read your long-winded stuff either.  No hate, just the truth.  Mine, yours, what's... the difference.  A wall of words is just that, no matter how well or poorly crafted.  

I merely write to get things out, not... really... to be read.  Out of my head, that is.  That is for believers... in the world.  Looking for hope in other people.  My hope is in my own actions, guided by faith, in hope, with an aim to love... what is right, good, beautiful, true.  So... I... am not looking for an earthly savior, guru, answer to my problems.  Nor am I aiming to attempt to be one.  

Go, live rightly, do rightly, and don't worry about wise men.  The bible, the truth within the church, disregarding some men who have obviously (or not obviously) fallen within it.  Know snakes, avoid them.  Listen to wisdom, when it isn't being sold or used as some sort of tool for evil.  It is a tool of God, for His purposes, which align with ours if we know how to see it rightly.

It is 34 out there, or near enough.  Wet, rained if probably several hours ago.  The windows were open upstairs.  Song birds go at it so early.  But, truly, I enjoy the chirps and else.  Even when they wake me, I just smile, broadly, hoping they are enjoying their short odd little lives, and making some hay.  *grins*  I hope they all find, or are found, as it was meant to be.  Reminds me to... keep dreaming of women.  Amen.

Oh, I finally did get the yogurt chia thing going.  Not bad.  Not... to me... as good as the hot chia.  But, this was just plain yogurt, chia seeds, and a bit of my keto sweetener.  I could see blue berries adding much, or strawberries.  I may try oats, as some of my nearling kin add, just as a once or twice a week thing.  There is much to do, from this simple start.  Interesting.  And, in time, as kefir gets going, perhaps using that instead of yogurt?  Yum.  I like my new weird foods.  Plus, I need to eat so much less.

Blood sugar, for whatever reason, is high this morning... 195 fasting.  Stupid.  I have been eating very rightly.  I haven't been eating too much.  I am even controlling fluid intake.  Then again, that might be it.  Drinking less, peeing less, things get kept that would otherwise go?  I don't know.  All I can do is keep at it.  I took a dose of fast acting with breakfast, 8 cc's I think.  12?  I'm trying to approach dosing from the conservative side.  It could slip to nothing, if I am not careful.  I'll check, again, in a few hours.  I will also be having warm chia.  I... got confused and made that after already eating the other.  EXTRA!  Read all about it?  :p

Well... on to... waking.  A text, asking what I want from the dairy, assuming they have cream?  I... let it be known, gratefully.  I can hope.  I have a bit extra cream, for until Monday, if all else fails.  Then I'll have to hope I can get in, well find money to buy, and then find energy to get in, otherwise.  It has been taking a week or two to get in, and that is when I had easier money to do so.  Being a poorboi breaks down the will, adds to procrastination inclinations, and just makes it all... take....... longer.........  Later.

Bedtime.

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I finally did chores.  I was afraid I wouldn't get that done.  Took all day.  It was raining... or sprinkling... every time I remembered to look, but, too, I didn't look as often as I would have liked.  I try to take care of them, but I think they are more than I can do.  Especially since they aren't breeding.  It is difficult to keep up when they just won't produce.  They may well be timing out soon.  Age.  Rabbits... aren't the longest lived of creatures.  May try one more time to get them to have kits.  One more time.

It is 37 out there, and raining/sprinkling.  At least it isn't freezing, but it sure could freeze.  Though, to be honest, it doesn't feel as cold as it reads.  Even walking out in the rain, to do chores, it just didn't have that chill which I would expect from that temp.

I thought it might be higher blood sugar, but that is 161.  I had fruit and yogurt, just a short bit ago, and took insulin with it... 8 cc's.  Plus, took slow acting insulin before I forgot it.  Oh... crap...  I need to get in, to get blood tests for the doc.  Can't do that until next week.  I promised, and really need to do so.  Ugh.

Sassy is doing pretty good.  I've cut part of her food.  Yesterday?  Definitely today.  Just a tablespoon, of her last can, is tossed.  In time I will cut one tablespoon (about a third of the can) from her first can, too.  The goal is to get her to lose weight.  Further, at night, I shut off access to the dry food.  She has water, and the litter boxes, but that is it.  I am afraid she won't lose weight.  She'll just become even less active.  Maybe have to see what I can do to encourage activity.

So very tired.  Yet so difficult to get to bed.  I have a few windows open, upstairs.  Sleep should be good, when I get to it.  Going to try right now, at 22:33.  Can hope.  I'll set the alarms, again.  And fight to get up.  Goodnight, I hope.

Still awake.

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There is that.  Not much.  Take what graces you receive, gratefully.  I do.

I did call my brother.  Went fine, until he asked about Ukraine.  I am... on the people's side, there.  Even against Russia.  But I am not on their puppet government's side.  Actually, I suspect, as with Afghanistan, Joe just handed Russia Ukraine.  This was... programmed.  Whether to hide what he and his son were doing there, or just some sort of deal Joe has with evil actors all over the world... from China, to Russia, to Iran.  Joe is up for sale, to the highest bidder.  That is, when he isn't a coward or fool.  Just as often, probably all three, together, most of the time.  Evil becomes that way.  It just does.

Yea, you know which side he is on.  The next time, if we ever talk again, he brings such up.  I'll ask him a question first.  Does he still believe "pro-wrestling" is real?  I... already know the answer.  Oddly, I am in the vast minority.  So be it.  I'd... much rather be in the vast minority.  May get me killed, but if you believe in God?  It's... not a bad thing to die for the Truth, big or little "t".  I... don't mind.

I know which side he is on, on pretty much everything.  He should know which side I am on.  Though, with the Ukraine and Russia thing?  I'm not on anyone's side, save that the people find safety.  Both are, or are run, by corruption.  And, to be frank, I have some suspicion, as mentioned, that both of their handlers are the same handlers.  One side may not fully realize, they were set up to be crushed, dumped, and destroyed.  But, that... isn't important.  A pox upon both their houses.

Joe all but guaranteed the Ukraine would be invaded, and lose, to Russia.  It was a gift, by the pressures and such.  Next, he will be giving away Taiwan.  The problem there is, if Taiwan goes, so well may Japan and South Korea.  Where Ronald Reagan (if quite by accident) freed East Germany, Joe may very well intentionally enslave South Korea.  Though, perhaps, the goal is nuclear war.  The secular leaders believe there are too many people.  Including the pope... secular to be certain.  They are earth firsters, meaning almost any amount of human death would be seen as... a good.  They think they can plan, or at least create this war.  I don't even think they care if a quarter to half of the world becomes uninhabitable to humans.  Good riddance, I think they might well believe.

We'll see how devastating the 'vaxxes are.  I don't think they are going to end up killing enough, fast enough, to satisfy Davos and co. though.  So, yeah.  We'll see.

Politics?  It is what it is.  It does what it does.  And, when it becomes Godless, it becomes murderous.  You do realize, just as with pro-wrestling, having "Russian" bad guys, and US good guys, etc, it was all bunk.  Even the communist countries?  Enemies?  Who do you think we bought most of our uranium from?  Really?  Communism was created, and allowed, as a depopulation tool.  The West was just studying it.  No theory too it.  Look at the trades, where money went, and how things were allowed.  They are all working for the same... people.  Lets call them people, for ease of use.

Oh well.  You really can't tell some people.  They need to believe in good guys, and bad.  And, they know it is as plain as the grin on their faces for being smartbois.  Ugh.

Blood sugar is a bit off, still?  Checking, it is 156.  A bit high.  Maybe from staring the new meds?  Both doses taken today.  It had dropped to 76(or so).  Then, after eating, it went to 156.  Here, three hours later, it is still 156.  Unusual... Down, up, something.  But it feels like it is dropping.  Not sure what is up with that.

Later.

Who is playing that game?

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Even wickedly tired, terribly confused, with a rough headache, among other problems... I see her stalking.  Playing from a distance, playing hard.

So very tired.

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Next, or now, I get to take my second set of medication, for the first time in... a while.  Mostly extra carvedilol.  It will most likely be difficult, especially as cool as it is.  Dark, too.  It, I just checked before beginning, is 40 out there.  Not... freezing, but certainly not warm.  I left two windows open upstairs.  While it is raining, there is no real wind.  So the windows are fine to be open.  I just... love the fresh air.

Still a bit of tunnel vision.  These medicines are brutal to start up.  It is nice to go off them, from time to time.  If that ends up being worse, in time.  Still, as if a dog with fleas, the treatments and collar, or the damn bugs.  Sometimes both.  So it is with a bad heart, else, and medicine.  I do what I can, but...

Blood sugar was absolutely crashing.  It hit 78 and I felt like hell.  I had raw carrots and celery, and was already heating food.  That took a while, so raw held me over.  Still feeling rough from it, on top of medicine beating me into the dirt, and the dark clobbering me.  Yippee!  Actually, I don't mind.  Gives me something struggle against, even if I lose.  I'm... just that way.

I called my mom.  Just checking, her condition.  Asked about some people.  One was an old bachelor, in the town I graduated from.  I wanted to know if he outlived his parents.  He had, in many ways, no right to do so.  But, I still think, he did so as a grace to them.  He may not have done many things right, in his life.  But he did his best, and he did this.

I said these things to my mom, and that I was trying to do the same.  No promises, but... I am trying to live longer than her.  But, I said, I am sure getting tired.  So hurry up!  She laughed and told me she wasn't going to go anywhere fast!  We had a ball laughing about it all.  Glad she can still take a serious hardball joke.  I would like to see her live longer, in one sense.  She... really enjoys life, and has friends, community.  She will actually be missed.  If I could give her what I have left, without causing her so much pain, I... would do so.  Some people really do well alive.  Some of us... are just echoes, ghosts, shadows, alone and waiting.

Oh, I asked about a certain woman.  The first woman I wanted to have sex with.  I was... a bit older than five.  Carol.  Not sure how it is spelled.  Oh, heck, she wouldn't even have noticed me... the bump on my mom's butt, when my mom visited.  Still, I... knew hot when I was a tot.  We chuckled about that, too.  To a degree.  These sort of things... spook her a bit.  She just doesn't understand how what she thought of as her innocent little child could... think so... and so young.  Other things frighten her, about me.  Not in a horror way, just... in... a lack of understanding.  Things I knew, things I saw and still do.  Some of it she is okay with.  Some of it... causes her... fear, doubts, uncertainty.  Not a fear, literally, off me.  Just... not understanding.  Children don't, can't, do those things.  I was... no child, often enough.  Not human, maybe.

Well?  I don't know.  I am hoping to get to dishes and chores, if I can.  So broken, tired, and... with meds in, we will see.  Have to do chores.  Well, and check blood sugar in an hour or so.  Gotta keep up on that, or it will bite me, hard, lethally.  And... I have... promises to keep... many miles to go, before I sleep?  Some such.  *rictus grins*  Later.

A later start.

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Not... just because of later to bed.  If it had just been getting to bed, finally, at 23:00, I think I would have been up with the alarms.  No.  I decided to open the windows last night, upstairs.  And close the door to the downstairs... didn't want to have the furnace running all night in an attempt to warm the upstairs, and really, out of doors.

Technically, it is the same temperature, up there, today as for the last week... 62 or so.  But, that air, fresh from the wild, had a bit of a moisture chill to it.  No wind, just... cold wetness.  Oh, but delicious, sweet smelling, and the birdsongs.  Either you love the melodies, chirps, and pips, or you don't.  Even when trying to sleep, my mind just dances to their music... usually.  Today was usual.

Horrible, for an ogre.  But I'm not what everyone thinks an ogre should be, or giant, nephilim.  God called.  I answered.  We talked.  We fought.  Brought the houses down, or... will.  Life... changes... when called, then submit, then become among the anointed.  Troublesome, for earthly affairs.  But, I... always knew, the earth was more doomed than even I.  So, that is only a loss in the local, regional, here-and-now, provincial, parochial.  People who are worldly, yet believe they are erudite, are mistaken.  Like college professors, who fear religion?  They aren't advanced, they are hiding in the dark, to do their dirty deeds... or more likely just want to.  They fear to even do what they strike out against God in order to do.  Pissants.  At least when I was among them, I went for it.  Bleh.  I hate cowards.  If you are going to be Godless, then sin.  If... I recommend otherwise... now.  Amen.

Anywho...  :)

Awake at about 06:48?  It's 06:58 now?  Maybe up a bit earlier.  Memory files are just... not there.  I saw 06:48, just couldn't have been right when I woke.  It was after six, just not sure how long after.  Only been up a while, but set up breakfast, filled the tank for the r.o. device, did... a few other things.  Then again, maybe ten minutes is right?  Gah!  I hate it when the mind is booting, and doesn't really hold data right yet.

It was a wonderful sleep.  Blood sugar is really high this morning.  Forgot slow acting, but that couldn't be all of it?  The thing is, I didn't eat anything wrong, or too much.  Oh well.  It is 218 this morning.  I took the slow acting first thing this morning.  And will take some fast acting with breakfast.

Dishes, a shower, waterers, and chores, are on my first things list.  While it is cool, at 37 out there, and raining off and on... sprinkling?  Wet, whichever.  It is above freezing.  So, when the sun is more up, and it isn't raining, I can start in on chores.  As for the rest?  As soon as I can get off my butt.  Which... won't be fast.

Oh, and today is when I start the full dose of medicine.  Looking forward to it about as much as I looked forward to a spanking as a kid.  Still, I knew it was coming, I knew it had to be done, and if stalling hasn't sorted it, better to get it over with.  Sometimes my mom hit like a girl, sometimes she hit like a mean girl.  :)  Later.

Tunnel vision.

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All day.  Not the narrowest I have ever had.  And a slight headache.  On the milder side, but persistent.  If it were worse, I'd take painpills in an attempt to shake it.  As it, I'd rather not take even one damned more pill!  Just hanging onto the chair, more than sitting in it.  I have had worse, I have had better, extremes both ways.  Mildly annoying day, is all.

Tomorrow I start on full doses of medicine.  Which means tomorrow much be Friday?  Whew.  There is always a chance I could have taken too many, or too few.  Looks like... for what it is worth... that I hit it on target.

Blood sugar is 119, as I prep for bed.  Not bad.  I was a bit worried that the 15 cc's I took earlier might cause a serious dip.  Looks like my native instincts were better than my logic ones.  Now I can freely take the slow acting insulin.  Taken once a day, steady dose.  I finally kicked it up to 48.  The goal is to have it do all the work.  Or... so I was informed, several times.  Up 2 cc's, if fasting isn't 80 to 100?  80 to 120?  I'll... have to ask, again.  I'm not titrating up based on recent data.  But, in the past, when I was on it much steadier, 46 wasn't working.  I just... got stuck on thinking 46, as I was failing in all ways, and couldn't quite lift the number.  When all is failing, I have learned that keeping it simple, repetitive, and leaning toward safe and sure, is my best bet.  When I try to logic while falling, very... bad things can happen.  Good things too, but with things like insulin, taking risks hasn't... worked out well for me.

Going to set up yogurt and chia seeds, see how that works.  For summer, it maybe best... cooler.  And, just for a change, from time to time, even in the cooler seasons.  Though, hopefully, I can get kefir going.  It would do much better, as to infusing the chia with the probiotics.  I just... am... not getting kefir out, as I should.  Ugh... 

Tunnel vision, people.  Still did things.  Sort of amazing.  I still, some days, today being one of them, wonder how the heck I am still alive.  Go wear yourself out, right down to your bones.  Crush it, make it so that you can't really catch your breath after any more exertion.  Now... live like that, except on the bad days.  I really don't understand how my body hasn't shut down.  Meh.

Well, on to bed.  Goodnight.

Someone... remembered.

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The funny thing?  I... realized the tie, then when looking at something else, realized someone had already made the connection.  Aye, but... it isn't all just that.

The best of the worst?

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I did get the pot, and colander, cleaned and pressed into use.  Carrots steamed the longest, then the rest.  Butter, over, at the end, to melt in.  The veggies are a bit dated.  The roast, while never eaten before, is still leftovers.  And, yet, it was one of the more splendid meals I have had in a long time.  Very good.

I still have chores to get to.  Difficult to get going.  It's 17:13.  Gotta try to push.  Tired, in the heart, body, mind.  Sleepy, dropping quickly.  I took some fast acting insulin with dinner, and have slow acting ready... I'll take it at bedtime or closer.  I want to see how the fast acting is working.  Blood sugar crept up to 127.  I guess it wasn't that high?  Still, it... feels like it.  I may have o.d.'ed on fast acting, come to think of it.  Bleh.  Carb tabs, and water, in my near future.  So sleepy, couldn't think it all through.  Do my best.

Dreaming, while awake.  A woman.  Just... a woman.  A friend, lover, wife.  We couldn't, can't, fix each other's lives, merely share some of our time, joys, sorrows, pleasures, and pains.  Mildly, even then.  Still, it... was a wonderful waking dream.  Odd, I can't remember when it happened, only that it did... sort of in the background, while other things where happening.  ~Sweet dreams, baby...

Back to gaming, as I attempt to get going with chores.  Dropped my phone in the water bucket.  But... the case is rather water resistant, and I was quick about getting it out.  Turned it off immediately.  Will let it dry overnight, open the case tomorrow and look it over.  Probably give it another day off.  Then try to light her up.  Or... something like that.

It really warmed out there.  Last I read, it was into the low 60s.  But... had an even warmer feel, especially for as cloudy as it still is.  Now this is a spring day.  The 30s aren't spring, certainly not colder, on into freezing.  That is still winter, especially when it is consistent.  Can hope it continues to be this warm.  Not certain though.

Later, or goodnight.  I prayed for you all earlier.  Will do so again this afternoon.  Do it often, just like to let you know, friend, enemy, family, kin, and the rest, you are in there.  For your sorrows, woes, but joys and blessings too.  I am grateful for you, even should you hate me.  If... I hope you find a way around that, out of that.  Not for my sake.  Kill me if you feel you must, better than hatred.  But for your sake.  Hatred is such... a heavy burden.  Let it go.  Leave, never consider me again, but... let the hate go.  Amen.

Rough.

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Then again, I stayed up all night, am just a few weeks into restarting medicine, and it has been abysmally dark and dreary for longer than even Doom prefers it.  :p  Not a lot done.  I did actually catch up on waterers... or almost?  Right, I have one last batch filling.  Though, chores are to be done today, so I'll have another batch coming in.  Can I get both done?  Maybe.

As well, I have been eating, feeding Sas, tending her litter, and... well... that's about it.  Sure, gaming.  But that isn't... doing something.  That is what I do when I can't do anything else.  Well, at least I am not sleeping.  It is early afternoon... mid?  Never quite sure what the official numbers are, but it is 14:47...  Mid?  Mid.  Though on the edge of early afternoon, too, still.  :p  Shut up!  I can hear your mind from here.  Now.  I'm good like that.

Dinner, shortly.  Supper, more like.  Roast pork, heated.  Plus veggies.  Gotta have some veggies tonight.  Hmm?  I wonder if I could heat the roast on top of the steaming veggies?  Not sure if that will work, but worth a shot.  I like trying things.  For convenience, ease, possible flavor boosts, or... just because I can and am curious.  

Blood sugar was at 114, but is up to 127 after swiss and deli meat sandwiches.  Oh well.  Still, weekly average is to 147.  Not bad, for just a few weeks back on it all.

I have heard that curiosity killed the cat.  But, what many of you don't know, is the rest.  Aye, but satisfaction brought it back.  I think there is a whole poem or rhyme out there.  I ought to see about it.  Or, maybe, people have just been putting it together over time?  I don't know.  Ought to look, someday.

Just back to gaming.  Oh, I am mostly remembering to sip rather than chug fluids.  But, once in a while, a bottle goes down whole.  I have a friend who, I swear, has a hinge at the back of his head.  He can throw food down it in ways that... almost terrify.  You... don't even realize he is about to eat, then he is done.  I mean a huge sandwich, a steak, a whole plate of food.  Doesn't matter.  Beef and bean chimichanga, gone!  Well, I can do that with fluids.  I mean 33.8 ounces, gone in... like... almost faster than you could dump it on the ground.  Gone!  Anyway...  Later. 

Stretching it.

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.

Down around midnight, give or take half an hour.  Up at 05:30 or so.  I heard, and danced, with the 03:00 alarm, until 03:20 at which time it got cut.  I don't know about the 05:00 alarm.  Only, I knew I wanted to try to make use of it, and get up early in spite of being to bed so late.  I could have danced with it, until 05:40.  Not sure if that happened.  When I woke... actually it was 05:48 when I woke, so...  Anyway, when I did wake, and saw the time, and realize I could get up, I did so.

It hurt, then.  Tired, the pain of that.  I have made it through most of that, but there are other things happening today.  Nothing I can't work through.  Having a great deal of difficulty focusing.  But doing my best.  May need a nap, before long.  Chores are on the menu, any time I can, as it is up to 48 out there.  Breakfast was had.  Sassy has been fed, and her litter cleared.  Not a super start, but... anything is something given the givens.

Oh, I am adding a limiter, regarding fluid intake.  While I have reduced how much I drink, the problem may be the speed of consumption.  I can, and do, take a 16.9 ounce bottle in moments.  I can do double that size, and have it gone in five.  So... I am aiming to slow drinking.  Make that 16.9 last an hour, or two.  And, that 33.8... get that to last four hours.  Not... perfectly... successful, yet.  But... just realized the problem, from reviewing internal 'security footage'.  Ah, that... may be the problem.  Now to see if I can fix it.  Did cut consumption by between thirty and fifty percent.  Now, to slow intake.  As it, if I drink a bottle, it goes right to my foot.  My body doesn't even try to metabolize it.  Fine... flooding is a problem, will be sorted.

Hey, I'm just... going on instinct, most of the time.  Can't think everything through.  Instinct says thirsty, body grabs larger or larger quantity of fluid, and sucks it down fast.  Done!  Well, yes, but... problems.  Just that I am able to see this, in my current medicine titration program, is... rather good.  Stepping out of the grave isn't the time to logic the shit out of problems.  But... it... happened.  The feet hurt enough, got my attention.

Oh, by the way, I need to get rid of all the shoes which are too small.  That includes size 14s.  I CAN put my foot in them, but the compression... the toes... no.  I need to toss everything that isn't the right size, or I can wear it for half a day before I nearly scream in agony as I realize my feet hurt, and then sort out why.

Time for lunch?  I'd like roast, but this time I want darned veggies!  Steamed, buttered, yum.  I may just have to pull one of the little pots, and the small, handled, colander I am using to steam them, and just... let the rest go for now.  Then again, I have a few hours.  I... might try to push dishes, all of them, through.  I want to move them on, so I can shower too, anyway.  It's still early.  Early enough?  I don't know.  Later.

Up!

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Not, today, up with a bang but a whimper.  Still, I made a breakthrough in the game, last night.  So I ended up playing... much later.  I didn't expect to beat a certain boss for day.  Did it in my first flurry of attempts.  So, was trying to track down what must be done, so things aren't missed, and do them.  I... need a list.  Impossible to keep track.

It also means I am one step closer to converting my dex build to a mini-strength build.  The next major boss will allow respec'ing.  But, lots of bosses, quest lines, and general play between.  And, probably, still going back to the old areas, to clear, find certain gear, loot catacombs and caves (the two underground types of ruins... or infested zones).  Still, gave it a good shot.

If you want access to one of the best grind (leveling) zones in the game (that I know of), playable at my level, you have to pvp.  I really didn't want to do it.  I didn't put much into, but as a noob, it really didn't matter.  I wasn't set up for it, but the first times you do it, you... wouldn't be.  The speed of it is fast, faster than pve (player versus player - pvp, player versus environment - pvp).  Though, pve can be pretty fast, it is formulated.  I suppose pvp would be, too, in time.  But the menu options are much larger.  Anyway, this time I just went with it.  Had to do it three times, did it three times.  They just want to entice you into teh stupid.  Not interested.

Oh, dreamed.  Caught a younger guy in my house.  He is dating a young woman I know.  Said he would give me a check, once they were married.  Told me about the competition (another guy) who was flashy and a show-off.  I told him to drop the parts, as I was recording our conversation, and to bring back anything he had previously stolen.  Or I would break his kneecaps... at least one, maybe both.  Depends on my mood when I go to do it.

Further, I told him if he was fucking the girl in question, he'd best marry her.  If I found out they were screwing, and he dumps her... or she him, doesn't matter which way, I'd... do bad things.  Didn't want to say I'd kill him, that's... a pretty tight wall to paint yourself into.  But I did let him know it would hurt.  I wasn't sure, but if I thought it was his new favorite gig, I'd take a nut.  Yea, testy.  God gives you two, losing one brings into focus what those are for.  She's a good girl, if you try that with good girls, expect to get hurt.

The look on his face, when I was done?  Splendid.  I like when I get their undivided attention.  As I have it, they did get married.  I then gave him some access to parts, for their starter home.  Helped them here and there.  I love his wife.  Her family.  Even if I am a friend not even they want.  Loving a devil, or having one love you, is... a damned hard thing.  Even if it has become a God soldier.  Amen.

(thanks, Mike)

Amway... breakfast is brewing?  Or water is heating... heated by now?  I'll go get that started.  It is 31 out there, blood sugar was 171.  But I stopped eating with supper, took a small dose of fast acting with it, and had nothing but water after, say, what... 19:00?  At the latest?  Stupid blood sugars!  Bleh.  I'll game a bit, but really hope to hit dishes and laundry today.  Plus, chores at sunup... and when it is above freezing.  I may try to get them to breed again, the stupid rabbits.  They... may just have timed out.  Have a good day.

Well... awake, if heading to bed.

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My legs, like two balloons.  Both of them, now.  I have been watching fluid intake, keeping it lower.  Difficult, goes against instinct.  Yet doable.  So?  More waterpills.  I'm abusing them, a bit.  But have no choice.  They were... okay... before restaring medicine.  Now they are just completely out of control... swelling... as if wearing skiboots... but under the skin.  Fine.  More waterpills it is... short term.  No choice.

I have been paying attention.  In case I had been shrugging off going pee when needed.  But, nope.  Just monitoring, I... really go right as soon as I get the signal.  The medicine is... sort of a two steps back, three forward, at various stages.  At some stages, it seems to just be two back.  The hope is for three or even five forward.  But, I will goose that, from time to time, if I must.  And, it seems I must.

Oh, about the store.  There had been, in the old place before this new place, a woman I had been interested in.  Wrote about her, here.  But... she never spoke to me, even when I would talk to her.  She never looked at me, really.  She "seemed" interested, but... that was just too much.  I won't even attempt to approach a woman for more than a conversation if she won't even...  react, do anything.  She has to have something.  A smile, a conversation start from time to time, I just won't chase.  If she plays hard to get, I won't go there.  A lot of women think men really have to chase, hard.  That's... not how it works.  It's a path too far.  Perhaps she really wasn't interested.  That's how I took it, and left it.  As to the woman I was looking at?  That was just looking.  A general thing.  I didn't even approach, won't.  There would have to be a reason.

I won't approach a woman just out there.  I may ask a question, as a customer to an employee, but I really... even that isn't an actionable thing.  It is, literally, just a question of business.  If she... opens up, talks, listens?  Then... we'll see next time.  But, even then?  Probably not.  I just really don't chase.  I am probably done, if I do have some hope?  Probably done.  Yea, I can't get it off my mind.  It was an obvious thing, him seeming to warn her off.  But... she... never had a chance to start.  Regardless if she would have been interested or not.  Just... noticed her.  I notice lots of women.

Blood sugar is up, a bit, to 148.  Even with fast acting in, last meal.  More with the final beef, if no more than 10 or 12 cc's?  I think I'll go higher.  Blood sugar seems to want to rise at night, lately.  Not sure it will help.  Don't want to do more.  A bit risky doing even this much... if it doesn't keep rising like it has been.  But... it's not 20 or 30 cc's either.  So...

Oh, the last of the beef.  I won't make veggies, this time, either.  Too tired.  Haven't gotten to dishes.  It's a cool, dark, day.  Legs, and feet now too, are swollen.  Medicine is kicking my butt.  Just beef, the last of it.  No salad, either.  The beef will be plenty.  Hmm... maybe too much salt?  I'll... be careful, at least observant, regarding salt.  Goodnight, most likely.

Some meals are just super.

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No veggies, or... steamed veggies.  But I did have a salad on the side.  As well, beef.  Just half of the last part of the roast.  I doubt if it was two pounds to start, and rendered a quarter to half pound.  I at half of the whole last night, and so, a quarter today.  Very good.  Missed beef.  Still do, really.  Beef is a rare treat, even as a roast.  Then again, unless you are well off, you probably understand.

The sun peaked through a bit, earlier.  But has gone on back to bed.  It was a treat.  I... enjoyed.  Gaming, mostly.  Just can't get going.

On the good side, life is good, soft, gentle.  Like one would imagine, perhaps, resting in clouds.  Soft, no corners, surrounded by a warmth and ease only imagination can really produce.  There is pain, but even that is soft, round on it's edges, just... a thing... over there.

Blood sugar came down to 144.  I didn't take insulin with breakfast, so it was just a... a natural reduction.  Still, with dinner, I took 8 cc's of the fast acting stuff.  Medicine, the pill type, in as well.  Just now.  I'm trying to get that taken earlier in the day, in preparation for when I begin taking to groups of medicine a day.  To be honest, I'd like one dose in first thing, and the other dose in by, say, noon... perhaps as late as 14:00.  Well... if I am waking around 03:00 to 05:00... ish.  :p  

Wow, one more single day, then it is back to full dosages.  Ugh.  Time flies when drifting, titrating, coming back to life.  Always a bit fearful of that.  The carvedilol is the heavy hitter.  It is also the big lifter.  The real, main, doer.  So it goes.  At least the other meds seem to have no impact... or, at least comparatively.  And, they don't... stack?  Right, they don't add up.  If they have side effects, it is buried in the carvedilol side effects, not an addition to it.  If that is quite enough.

Daydreaming.  Of women.  Not... a woman, just... women.  Generic woman next door, available and interested.  I was at the store the other day.  Saw a pretty girl.  One of the people I know, another tall guy, went up and... whispered something to her.  She had a strange, mixed, reaction.  Don't worry, guys, I won't try dating such a woman.  I know nothing of her.  She... was attractive, enough.  Just... no.  There is something about hereabouts.  It seems they... know me far better than I had thought.  Some of it is the connectivity of the mormons.  They are extremely... well connected.  Though, some of it, too, is from the college town.  They, in a secular way, are very connected.  Some of them double dip.  I'm not sure, but I think the notion was there was disapproval about my... interest.  At least, from the guy talking to the gal.  Funny thing is, that... disapproval doesn't always go the way some would like it to go.  Women have a mind of their own.  Lord only knows!  *grins*  Sadly and... yet... thankfully.

Anyway... I don't think so.  It's, just, she really was a pretty woman.  Something about her, too, just struck me.  She had a smile, and a mood about her, that was... charming, attractive and not just in the physical sexual sense.  She... reminded me of when girls were nice, in school, before... things... became... complicated.  She was endearing, as much as pretty, though there was that too.

Anyway... women are definitely on my mind.  Not just sexually, but... that is always a part of... who they are... what they are... to us... to themselves.  But, just a part, not the whole.  Enjoying the thoughts, memories, and all.  Probably far too late, but a guy will... always be a guy, even if a strange one.  Later.

Awake, slowly.

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Even for being down by 20:30, waking was difficult.  The alarms were set.  I think I remember waking at 03:00?  Or... not?  Weird.  Mixed in with dreams of war.  You don't win wars, you survive them.  Or... that is how I feel about it after waking up.  I... survived.  I think I remember it going off at 03:00, but don't remember what happened.  When I looked at 05:00, it looks like the first alarm was still active.  Did I keep snoozing, without even remembering?  Did I turn it off, then turn it back on, hoping it would still work?  I... don't remember.

Even at the 05:00, it two two snoozes for me to wake.  But, these I remember.  Up!  To the bathroom, right away.  Like a race-horse.  Water is being filtered, water is heating, breakfast is set up, waiting for the hot water.  I opened the back porch, so Sassy can get to her hard tack.  I shut it off at night, she is getting fat.  Fatter.

I heard pitter-patters, outside.  Like rain?  No, not like.  It is, was, raining.  I decided to look, and check the temp.  It is 33 out there?  Still?  That is pretty chilly.  Not freezing, but it could go that way in a blink.

Well, on to fixing breakfast, and getting another portion of water filtering.  I have three jugs to fill, but it goes quickly, if I stay on it.  Blood sugar is a little high at 166 fasting.  But, then, it's only been a few days that I have been taking insulin.  Just, it was lower yesterday, fasting.  Yes, I remember slow acting, and a bit of fast acting with supper.  I believe 8 cc's.  Perhaps more, if I eat a larger meal.  And, it... was large meal.

With the roasts cooked, all I have to do is veggies.  I need to get the dishes, pots, and pans clean though, today.  I could just pull one, and clean that, and a smaller colander, so as to steam the veggies right in the littler pot.  Yea, I... have bigger ones.  But... they are... bigger.  Bigger than what I need.  For veggies, steaming, making just enough for the meal is the trick to keeping the veggies good, in all way.

Chia first, a salad for lunch again, and pork or beef this evening.  Probably beef.  Tomorrow I will finish off the beef, small roast really, and start on the pork.  Sort of expensive, but a roast (usually) lasts a week.  I just haven't had a good beef roast in a while, so am... indulging a bit to excess.

Well, on to setting breakfast to steam, and resetting water filtration.  It's a small life, but it is what I have.  Later.

The beef was fantastic.

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Done to the right temp.  Allowed to rest, tented.  Very good.  The cut wasn't, exactly, great.  But, it... was beef, chuck mostly, and cooked correctly.  The pork?  I am sure it will be fine.  There is no way I could eat another bite.  Not that I ate a great deal.  But, I am not able to eat much, currently.  And, that bit of onion?  Very very good add.  The smell, and flavor it imparts, plus the actually eating of it, with the meat.

I'll put them up.  Would hate to waste them.  Then, probably, go on to bed.  I was starting to fear I wouldn't get to bed early enough, if the roasts took too long.  Hopefully, I'll make veggies for a complete meal, tomorrow, with the next round of whichever.

Chores, laundry down, dishes set up, roasts, meals through the day, medicine... and insulin, for sure, before sleep.  I'll also take 6 cc's of the fast acting insulin.  I have after and I did find a few rolls of carb tabs upstairs.  The rest are gone.  Bleh.  Just in case.  Hmm, meds should be arriving soon.  I think there will be tabs in them.  Will have to hide them.  The robbers think of them as candy.

Goodnight.  Sleep well.  I know I will.  Still quite warm, even with the door open, and it down to the lower 40s last I looked.  All good.  Should sleep well.  I sleep much better a bit warm than too cold.  Goodnight indeed.

Strange.

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Warm.  Almost too warm.  Dressed no more warmly than usual.  But, the furnace is very low.  And, yet, I feel almost hot.  No extra coffee, or hot foods.  A salad for dinner, so a cold meal, really.  Blood sugar is rising, a bit, to 142 just now.  But... that's good.  Within spec's, at least for my type, at this point.  I even, with a sheet to keep this part separated, have the front door open.  Warm, very warm.  Still cool out there.  Last I looked it had dropped to 44?  Something like that.

Very strange.  Still, I'll take it.  I have been so chilled, it seems for so long, that a warm day, even if just of body, is so very welcome.  I'll take it.  Enjoy it.

I am tired.  Trying to move on.  Not much, but I do have the roasts going.  Why two roasts?  I... wasn't paying attention, when grabbing meat out of the freezer.  Just didn't realize my mistake.  Still, all good.  I can have bits and pieces of each.  A little extra meat on the menu, but that makes up for no meat on the menu for about a week... or off and on for longer.  Couldn't cook.  Still, sort of, can't.  Can roast though.  So be it.  Oh, and thirded two onions, for on top of each.  I love the flavor it imparts, and eating the onion as well.

Drinking a bit more, but taking more waterpills.  The body is trying to sort it out.  While I can try to involve reason, there is no telling a thirsty horse, the size of my body, not to drink when it believes it should.  Trying to reason with it isn't the thing, nor is simple assertion of will.  It is getting the critter body involved with the process... like convincing it that itching a bug-bite is not going to help... so teach to resist the urge.  That... takes a bit.  It doesn't, fully, trust me.  Though... we have... come to a better understanding.  Especially since Draino and else are off the menu.  Yes, the body can rebel, and sometimes should.

Even so, I do have to drink a bit more.  Some sort of balance.  It's trying to not drink too much, or take too many water pills.  Things that can't, with certainty, be know... just... sort of slowly intuited with practice, observation, if in hope, with faith, toward love?  Aye, I think so.  So... I'm doing my best.

Two more days of single dose medication, and I go back to full doses, twice a day.  Only carvedilol and one other will go up.  Only carvedilol is difficult.  But, I have been taking a big and little pill.  I will be stopping the little pills, just going to the big ones, if twice.  So, it isn't quite a full load upgrade... a doubling.  I... tried to give myself a little boost, in titrating.  It'll still be tough.

I think the headaches, and else, are from restarting medicine.  But it has been much worse.  I'm not grumpy.  Even when I yell at the game, I then take time to soothe Sassy, so she knows it isn't her, or her fault, and I'm not blaming her.  Even if she came over and disturbed me, on or around the time of my game death.  :p  As such, she spends time with me, right in there, while I play, holler, and curse.  I'm... really not all that bad to deal with.  Even for a old guy.

Enjoying the fresh air, but too, the smell of the roasts.  The timer must be about to go off.  I am so looking forward to beef.  Later.

Game update.

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Was hoping for something.  Lots of spells and skills buffed, certain weapon types buffed.  But, pretty much, it looks like they are just trying to add some of the stupid spells and skills into pvp lineup.  And, make strength builds a little happier, by allowing them to more reasonably compete.  As for pve... player versus environment (the real game)?  Nothing.  Well, a debuff (reduction in ability) of the one spell which might have made beating the impossible boss... maybe, in a group, possible.

Junk.  They just want you to play their game, their way.  They hate when no one uses the stupid spells, skills, and weapons which are... really... stupid.  And, no matter how much they improve those, they really won't be used.  At least they didn't break too many other things.  Unless, of course, they did.  Patches, to games, are notorious for breaking other things, either destroying builds and standard gameplay, or just making already hard starts even more impossible.  They... really need to separate pve and pvp (player versus player).  Two different games.  PVE doesn't need more "balance".  Leave it alone.  Let the little babies, who want to pretend kill each other and hump the corpses of their enemies play their own version of the game.  If they want to do something, make it so with reasonable skills, some practice, the obligatory deaths even, better players can beat all the bosses.  

As is?  Meh.  As I said, I quit with my main 'toon, and just tinker with a lessor one.  Which, actually, I am probably going to have to switch over to a caster, anyway.  Can't level, really, with this build, not that well...quickly.  At least, without cheating the game.  Unless, really, that is what they want?  So, I have to get to a caster build, to level legitimately, and fast enough to be interesting, in hopes of leveling enough to... switch to a type of play later?  When I have gained all the tools, skills, etc?  Sort of sad, but so be it.  And, I still can't get through the final bosses.

Now, I did find something, about re-re-respec'ing into a type of build that is resistant to holy damage.  I haven't tried THAT yet.  But, I have seen so many suggested builds, not sure one more would be worth the trouble.  Now, to be fair, I am in the middle of going back on medicine, and insulin, in stormy and cool spring.  So... there are... complicating factors.  But I have done this before.  Then again, every year is a bit off the edge?  Yea.  Still, I think the game is just jinked.  If they are going to bother patching, fix the broken, don't give me upgraded junk that isn't fun to start, and won't be interesting now.  Thank you, for nothing.

Blood sugar is up to 132.  But I won't complain, or dose.  It's... good enough.  And still coming down.  If slowly, over time.  Actually rather quickly, though... who knows what tomorrow will be like.  Actually, that isn't bad, for having two meals, and just one very small dose of insulin.  If it wasn't all that high to start.  Still, why up so much, from a salad?  Oh well.

If I can push through, I'd like to brown the roasts, and get them in the oven.  Steaming a small pot of veggies right at the end.  Probably prefer the beef today.  It's been a while since I could afford even chuck.  I got this for $5 a pound... still high, but beat $7 to $9 a pound.  Or whatever crazy prices I have seen.  Ribeye, last I looked, was $17 a pound.  Just... can't do that.  Crazy.  Insane.  Undoable.  Rigged.  A pox upon their houses.  I know they are doing this, on purpose.  There is no crisis, no shortage, nothing.  They are merely setting the prices in central planning.  Evil fucks.

Cheers anyway.  Thankfully, they will get theirs, and it won't be what they think.  Later.