A pleasant walk in the rain.

Yes, that means I did half of my weight training setup. More than half, but that is not the point. After doing so, and with what at first was a gentle pouring of heaven water, I strode through the nearly deserted streets toward a drought or two. Two, if you must be nosy. And, not small those. As well, an order of onion rings and a dessert cup or two… they were quite small. Did I deserve it? You know, I think I did. Was it good for me? In some way, yes. So long as it is not a daily event, I will deal with it.

Tomorrow morning I will go swimming again. I will be swimming on the same days I lift weights, but I think that will work out. Though I might take a nap after swimming until I get my endurance up. And? I have pictures to prove what I look like now, and a few witnesses who will only see me every six months to a year. I am out to prove something. I am not trying to prove that I am strong, that I can be a big man, or any of that jazz. I am out to prove that I am no longer retired, disabled if you must. Through school, through exercise, through social and moral involvements, and more stridently, through a growing strength of character through religious devotion and love for my fellows. Actually, that last is the more difficult.

It is not more difficult because it is a harder task. It is more difficult because, for my part, it must be genuine. I know me, and I know people. I know that sometimes it will be a strain, on my nature. If you do not know, understand I am a warrior, a hunter-killer, a death dealer. If it seems there is no trace of it in my history, you just do not understand. It is in my heart. No matter what else I become, that will always be secondary to my true calling. My memories, my dreams, my day dreams, and my thoughts… they posses me in some ways. Even tamed by therapy, I have no means of denying my nature when duty calls or reality threatens. I am what I am.

Still, I do not live in those times and in that way, anymore, barring dreams and such. I have learned I live in a different place. Even defending myself must be done with reason, or I will kill without more than a flicker of reason. I am a switchblade from behind, a machine gun or shotgun up front, and poison from the mists. Even if I love, care, and hope. This will never really pass, the rest of my life, as a professional if I get there, a husband should that happen, or a father if God sees fit to bless me, these will be secondaries no matter my intent.

Wow, but life has so changed. Now I can be a secondary. I have leveraged enough away from that reality that life may begin anew. I feel more than blessed, I am becoming whole and warm, full of life and willing to share that. I only hope I may not need the old life soon, so that this temporary mend may become more permanent. That reason and love will at least settle my yearning for justice, war, and native combat instincts. Time, the healer of all things, I pray to God this little four letter word is on my side this time.

So, swimming tomorrow. Then a few phone calls, perhaps a walk, a conversation with the neighbor(s), and perhaps a little shopping. Groceries need to be bought, especially since the kitchen is more ordered and dishes are clean. What a wonderful life, a wonderful chance, and a grace to enjoy. I hope you find some sense of this in your little sphere of our shared world. I will speak with Father, before I rest, and ask that we all know and share a little piece of that which I feel, sense, know. Blessings be with you.