Reality setting in.

I sit here today, realizing some truths. Those truths hurt. I suspect as I get better, more of these realizations will come. Some of that truth is based upon where I am. Some of those truths are based upon where I can go from here. Some of what I am understanding means much of what I hope for will never be. Waking from a coma to find one’s world is a world of devastation, from body to mind to relationships is not an easy thing. It is so strange that a mere notion can cut like the sharpest most well handled saber. No matter how strong a man is, and I am not, his soul is so vulnerable. Worse so when the fact of the matter is merely reality and not an attack of some sort. When it is reality merely without the rose colored glasses of hopes, beliefs, and illusions created by one’s own mind as a protective layer. My decades of inaction and inability are coming home to roost. As I get better I see more surely how little time, space, energy, and potential I have left. Though I may not be completely spent, my candle has burned through most of it’s cycle and life has past me.

There is no use in bemoaning it. I will continue on, working as diligently as ever, perhaps more so for my understandings. I will work out, go to school, and try to rearrange my life into a more orderly situation. I will try to love those who love me, and more as I am able, in spite of understanding my shallowness and one-sidedness. Perhaps it is all an illusion, a fiction, a lie? Then again, can we love without sharing, sharing even the darkness within? Can we love in a lie, denying our truths so that another may shine? I am not sure, nor have I ever been sure about these types of things.

Still, I do know how to get anywhere, virtual or in the flesh. I must take one step at a time. I must work on this, perhaps that, and then this other thing, and combine them into a functional whole only to use that as a key to pass the next locked gate and then face the next obstacles. The carrot and stick trick is about the truth of our whole world, whether we wield the items ourselves, or whether others do so, and most likely we need a bit of both scenarios. I realize that as I am able to see more clearly I am getting better. As I become able to handle hurtful truths, my mind allows them. My mind itself sees that I am becoming more ready and allows these things so that I may more surely plan my future. It still hurts, greatly.

Time… tick tock tick tock… Not much of that phenomena left. I do have the rest of my life, though. I cannot waste any more of either. It may be a while before I post again.