Life is going on, I am working on things, but everything is either half finished, a continuing project, or it has not even started. I feel stretched and thin, psychically. I am pretty sure everyone goes through this. I am not sure how others react, but this is the loneliest of times for me. I suspect even if I had a wife, a few children, a reasonable group of friends, several social circles, and a daily routine I would still, perhaps more so, feel lonely.
I noticed my anger got the best of me in my earlier writing. I am not sure if the two things are connected. I suspect they are, the feeling of aloneness is just the quieter aspect of the same phenomena. I do not know the mind, not my mind that is. Anyone else’s mind is far beyond my facilities to comprehend, though know if you speak, write, or even touch me (literally or virtually) I will do what I may to respond and begin trying to seek you. Odd, but it is how I was designed. And, I like that. Though usually it ends up that I am not compatible, or is it the other way around? Worse, though I can live with the incompatibility, most others cannot or will not. Why?
I am trying very hard in this new life. I feel a great deal needs to be done and I want to do it. And, I am doing it, bit by bit. I am changing aspects of myself which did not seem fixable only a few years ago. I never gave up, if doubt began to grow. I am pushing through fat, muscle, and brain, changing what was weak into something strong. Why so much resistance from out there. Why yes, sometimes from you. Am I becoming a monster? Have I always been a monster?
I will do some leg-ups until the machine arrives (Friday, give or take). Then I will shower and go swimming. Afterwards, I will probably take a nap as I am not sleeping well. Later in the day, weight lifting. As usual, when starting up again, I have fears. Can I do it, is it too much, etc. At least I have worked through these fears several times before, their bites are now little stings rather than chilling breathtaking doubts.
I was unable to find my bible study material. Why the fuss, why not just open up the book and begin reading? Because I need guidance. As a child, I did just read the bible. I never memorized, I only read and read and read, re-reading difficult passages, asking those I trusted for clarification, seeking dictionaries, thesauri, globes, maps, history books, and other resources to solve some things. Things have changed. I now feel the need to study as an adult studies. And, no, this is not out of duty to the greater extent, but out of love and devotion. I wish to understand and be open to that understanding. This tomb is what, to some large part, I base my life upon. The Catechism, the Magisterium, history, and the priesthood (on up) take up the rest of that which I choose to obey. These, each, as passed from God and Christ and the Holy Spirit, so it is really they I obey, through these mechanisms.
Oh, by the way, I am sore. I will be doing fewer leg-ups than I had been. I think I will be sticking to 20 of those, and when the machine comes, I will add 20 setups to that. I have been pushing it a bit, too much I believe. At least were the midsection is concerned. The rest seems to be doing fine. My arms do not ache perpetually, if they do get sore temporarily when working out. And, so far, working out actually relieves some of the ache when it has remained. One other switch is that I will probably begin using the paddle board (if that is what it is called) a lot more, in order that I focus on my legs until they are kicking a lot better and more frequently. I really mean to use swimming as a means of leg strengthening first, then to some degree as an aerobic workout. I will not jog or run, though in time, sprints might be a good thing. My knees just do not support running. Perhaps when I lose weight… no, if my workouts are successful, I will be a bit too heavy for running even then.
So much on my mind. It is good to be activating my life, but I am afraid of making a mistake, missing something important, pushing so hard I push people away, and, and, well, all that jazz. Well, I did go grocery shopping tonight. I was looking for three main things on the labels, protein, sugars, and carbs. I think I did well, or at least better. I know the foods I buy are, by and large, good foods, so I was looking to lower sugars and carbs for the most part. I did feel the need to make some changes and I am trying some new foods. Of course, the cost was at the register. So it goes, it might not be such a bad place to put a few extra dollars?
"I feel stretched and thin, psychically. I am pretty sure everyone goes through this."
ReplyDeleteYes, we do. In the past month, we have started a major remodeling project at WaterGirl's salon, and her father (who lives with us) suffered a fractured hip which has required me to assist with everything from using the lavatory to lifting him into bed to additional trips to doctors and such.
In the time spanning from Sunday night to Monday night, here's what happened:
I drilled through a new plumbing line, sending showers of water cascading everywhere until I could get to the cutoff valve. When I went to the hardware store to get the supplies to repair the patch, it was closed (late on Sunday night). After getting the supplies first thing Monday morning and patching the line, we discovered water all over the floor in the back, too; it turns out the water heater decided to bust its seams and water was pouring out all over the floor. After getting the plumber to come install a new heater, we couldn't use it because the vent hose needed to be replaced (a major job going up through the ceiling and roof). Then, the electricity stopped working on some of the circuits in the back after I had done some work on the wiring.
All of these things added up, and stretched us thinner than usual.
"I am not sure how others react..."
By accepting that they're part of life, and dealing with them one at a time.
We schedule our lives so that someone is always home to assist with my FIL; eventually he will heal and be able to move on his own again. We replaced the water heater, and are now replacing the vent. I patched the damaged line and troubleshot the electrical problem. It was after 10:00 last night before the last problem was dealt with and I could finally go home.
It's difficult to think of anything life can throw at you, which you cannot handle. Though you may feel stretched and thin occasionally, eventually you will manage to handle them all.
Then why am I disabled? :p
ReplyDeleteYeah, I could not even imagine all that. I am not sure I could type it all. You earned your spot in life, how I do not know. As crazy as it sounds, I am working my butt of to be in as much trouble as you seem to find. I am just not that good, nor will I ever probably be that good.
Man, that makes me even more tired. Are you just lucky this way, or do you plan these events subconsciously? Wow! I'll send a prayer for you all. May sanity and the "simple life" be restored soon.
Oh, I must add, in my defense... I spent 12 of the last 20 years stuck in a 10 x 10 room because I was afraid. My mind was so shocked I could completely ignore reality for over a decade. So, with what I have and given my history, I am pushing back out. Oh, and I am getting physically tired now too, but that is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I hope I don't need to do what you are having to do in spite of doing everything I can to get into a position where that could happen, as I have noted. But uhm, do take care. That is some serious pushing and there is only one you...
No need for a defense, as my words were not intended as an attack. I only offer it as an example of how to deal with such situations, which builds one's "psychic" strength the same way one builds one's physical strength. No doubt, I probably would not have been able to adequately handle such events myself, 20 years ago.
ReplyDeleteStart with the problems that confront you now (as you have been doing), and conquer them before moving to the next stage. Each success adds to that strength, better enabling you to tackle successively more difficult challenges. Look at what you have already accomplished compared to where you were a year ago!
I suppose what I'm actually trying to say is, "Don't give up". You've already started down your chosen path ...so when these inevitable problems arise (as with the unwilling counselor), you will have the wherewithal to deal with them, too.