Messed up!

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I awoke a bit ago and started moving around. Then it hit me. What DAY is this! Did I miss my test, my doctors appointment, what day! I rushed to a device that would give me the truth. With a little relief, my system began to relax. You cannot imagine the horrors of this. In periods where timing is crucial, not being able to trust one’s ability to wake on time or sleep less than a day, stress levels can rise in the extreme. Still, I know I will need another sleep period between now and my appointment, so the dread has not completely dissipated.

On the up side, I will be seeing my doctor soon. As well, I have spoken with my professor during office hours. I let him know I am having serious problems. I also let him know I will be talking to a doctor about my difficulties. He was sympathetic. I think he knows or believes I am not only trying but that I am interested in the material. Or, he is just easy going. Not that easy going, his tests are solid. He has a way of including a lot of material on his tests, and he tests much of what he covers in spite of the speed and volume. Still, that is one thing tended, and one thing needing to be tended. I am continuing to study, for what good it does (there is some good, it just does not feel like it).

Tomorrow will be the deal. Either I will find that the medicine no longer works or that I may continue trying to get ahead but more, begin taking necessary medicine again to lower my blood pressure. What seems lost in all this is the fact that while the V.A. fiddles, my health, not just my life, declines. How long before the high blood pressure does irreparable damage (pick an organ, all are subject to failure, including skin!). I only hope that I am right about what they offer being a placebo. I will find out soon. More stress, if short term. The added benefit, if it does work, is a more full life. Either way, it has been a wonderful year and a half look at nearly normal living. I will never regret it, whatever happens from here on. If I find that I was receiving placebo, however, I am going to be outraged. I will see what I can do about making the doctor’s life a living hell. Liars in some regards are lower than even thieves. In some ways, if this is true, he was both.

Still, if this works, I will need to regain my sea legs quickly. Just to catch up in studies in order to test will be a bit of a feat as I see it. Though I have been studying, it has been a blind study, a study of rote. I will need to actualize a lot of material beyond the rote. I think I can do it but not without a huge push and many man hours and while I am becoming familiar with wakefulness and function. It is not too unlike trying to walk on legs which have fallen asleep. Oh yes, I am nervous if hopeful. So much stress, the election process only adds to it. If Obama is elected or congress goes Democrat, there is little reason to try as I see it. It will mean private ownership (property rights) and any hopes of breaking through economic barriers are both at an end. It will be the enshrinement of the peasant class, by force if necessary. Heck, McCain is not much better, at least without a conservative congress to keep his liberalism at bay, to keep his secular “better angel” notions in check, to keep our borders secure, and to keep his socialism away from the budget. Fat chance. We will see soon enough.

In any event, my causa pro vita is merely to see if this works, if it works to do my tasks and attempt to regain health (to the end of hopefully getting off all medications, at the right time), and to plan for everything else after that as it comes. And, immediately, to be thankful that I did not oversleep, so far, my chance to take that next step sooner rather than later. Oh, yes, dear ones, I am sweating blood. May it cleanse my body and soul of sour fear, dreadful confusion, and seething rage.