Working as hard as I can.

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I visited my therapist again today. I think she was surprised at some of what I was saying. I think she approves of my attitude. In spite of tough times, I did quite well. Instead of quitting or worse, becoming suicidal, I found help. I worked every angle available to me and finally went outside and on my own nickel to find medical care. And then when that worked even if partially, I was able to climb out of that hole a bit. In 3 days I studied a months worth of work and got within 3 or 4 points of the average. Okay, so I am not brilliant. But I am honest and diligent when able. As I said, I could not fail that exam even if that was the score. That I did not score too awfully is only something additional. It took me years to get to this level, further, I would not be here without school.

I did push a bit hard in studying and taking the exam, and it is showing. I am having a difficult time regaining my composure and beginning my studies again. Staying up that long on less than I need to generally stay up more than 12 hours has put me in a bit of a spin, and the headache is back. I will work my way out of it, this is not as bad as it was, and it is not even a migraine. If I could just stay awake and concentrate, school would not be a problem. I have homework due tomorrow along with our usual quiz. I will do what I can. I am hoping this weekend will allow me both rest and time to catch up in physics and maintain what I can with the other class.

Oh, I am beginning to wonder if my professors are reading this blog. It is not impossible. A google search of the class, or some other parameters, might bring them to these pages. As well, I have a friend who used to be a physics grad student here. He knows who he is, maybe he still has links here and things get around? I just wonder about some things. I am a bit nervous about writing everything (nothing bad really). But, I can only guess that some things that have happened have had something to do with what is written here. Of course, that might just be typical paranoia and the changing moods of people. People are more variable than the wind, for good and ill. It does add a little spice to life. Still, I do wonder. There might, as well, be a student or three, here at the U, in my classes, that reads this. There is just something strange about how certain people seem to know me. At least they have not laughed at me, or that I have seen.

School looks to be over after this semester. Though I enjoy it immensely, my health seems to decline when going. It could be the stress, or of course, the world colluding to get me to quit. Oh, hush. Just because I hiss and fuss does not mean I believe it all, mostly, or all of the time, or such. Cheaters? I am sure there are some. But they are the minority. Most likely they will be found as such before too long. A ruined academic run or career awaits. Most of the students I know are hardworking layabouts. Yes, they work when they can and do what they are able, just like me. Some are better, some are worse, most all are raw geeks trying to make it through a tough degree field sane and educated.

I spoke with my mother. It seems I might be welcome to stay the winter. It would allow me to cut about $800 to $900 out of my monthly expenses, and that is with me being generous to her. I have a good idea where most of that will go, of course. I might be able to be well kitted by the time I head West. We spoke about a number of these things. As she said, she cannot find these answers for me, but she can support me in some ways and as she can. Living with her is tough at times, but life has been better for both of us for some time and even better between us for longer. As well, I plan to be out of the house a good deal. Skiing, hiking, shooting, hunting, and fishing will fill what of my time I am able to coax out of these old bones. I might have to, after a few other things are settled, get a new computer as well. This time using a router. I might tinker with this old machine to see if I can clear it, then leave it for her as it is far better than what she has. A reloader, some guns, a goodly number of magazines, reloading perishables, and a few other things are first on the list. No, not for Red Dawn, either.

As far as politics, I am pretty much through with that. I do not see a way back for Republicans or conservativism. I must assume these are lost and let go, then begin finding a way for me to enjoy life as I think it should be lived as well as I am able. I think this election was about free-markets, the constitution, democracy itself, and some other key issues. Those lost and handily. It is no longer the nation it was, it has become worldly. Who knows, there is always a possibility that Republicans or conservatives might find a way to resurge and resurrect the corpse of the dream. I am not sure where they will find the leadership. I am not sure they even want to find a way to go in that direction. I will worry about the results of the reshaped landscape when it is time. There is no reason to run in panic, shouting into the night and hills, yet, though. At least, not for this reason. Time will tell. I am just heading for the hills because that is where I want to be since college cannot work, mostly.