It could be worse.

.
.
I kid you not. Though I have some serious problems dealing with life, I have avoided death (sort of), drugs, hoarding, obesity (technically still obese, but that does not make sense in my case, really), or other problems. No, I cannot make decisions well, or quickly, but I do make them. And, if all else fails, I begin chucking things. I have some sort of limit. I did dance on my grave with alcohol. But I beat it, finally. I never really tried drugs seriously. They are expensive and I worried about control. Not as in control of my life in the broader picture, more about control of my limbs, balance, and cognitive function. And, for being very unhealthy, I am very healthy. I have set up an appointment for the 15th, a general checkup. I have not checked my blood pressure in a bit. The last time I did it was much lower than what it had been. I am curious about my diabetes too. My urine does not cause foam in the toilet, so I am guessing it has improved as well.

Though I do have some underlying problem, in a way, this is compounded by having no need to work. They play on each other. When one fails to hold me down, the other may kick in. I am, honestly, amazed I am out here, in a home, and have done what I have done. I had a lot of help. But I had to ask for help and direct it or let that help do what it did. I am, slowly, too slowly, trying to work my way out. It reminds me of a particular type of problem in calculus. In those problem types, two functions (linear formulas for example) are both going to zero. If the problem leads to a real solution, the one in the numerator goes to zero first. Otherwise the problem will not produce a useful answer. This has real world implications. In my case, the math cannot actually help, the problem merely outlines what I see. There are no formulas I can use to check and see, as well I have no means of changing the numerator or denominator. However, outside influences can impact those formulas, somehow. Anything from trauma, which could bring me back more quickly or sink me, to economic situations, to perhaps simply figuring something major out, and there is always the potential that the medical field will seriously re-evaluate my health, find the real problem, and actually have a method of treating it that works.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. There will be changes. There will be good things. And there will be bad things. None of these are actually important. What is important, for me and others, is not what happens but how we deal with whatever happens. Within certain constraints, I do well. Outside of those constraints... I know I have dealt with very harsh things. I know I can do so. I guess I simply do not like the notion.

Bed time. I need to cut off caffeine earlier. I am staying up way later than I like, if too I still wake in 8 hours (unless I really push my up time, and the vast majority of the time otherwise). Anyway, good night.