It can be the little things.

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I could not wake at 10:00. I pushed for it, I did try, but the wires simply would not cross to light off ignition. When the alarm went off at 11:00, I pushed, hard, again. I had to fake it for a bit and was worried about a relapse. It looks like I made it. A little bit of time was given just to let the engine idle. Then I started on breakfast. Next I will be taking a shower. I will get some business completed today, maybe laundry, and I will most likely get out to the hen house.

I know this all has to seem... stupid, foolish, simple... to you. Working hard at doing what everyone else does almost every day of their lives. I sometimes wonder if I am not merely playing games with myself, with my capacity. I have wondered if it is psychological or physical, or just make believe. I do believe it is real, but that is only a belief as psychologists either through incompetence or giving up simply end up parroting whatever clients claim... if they hold their real and medical (often quite different) opinions in secret. Medical doctors are much the same. If neither can objectively know, in any case, which they seemingly cannot (assuming they have been honest with me... ugh, but it gets deep), then they are of little use. Unless, of course, they could provide a cure or even a functional treatment plan. Neither has been forthcoming. So, I am left with mere belief, and my belief is that I have a physical problem. Even if it is in my head, however, it is just as real.

I realize that if I were a machine I would have been considered hopelessly dysfunctional. I would have been scrapped or simply destroyed, being found not worth further evaluation, testing, or attempts at repairing. The Navy did so. I have done so. The V.A. has done so. And yet I cannot, again, attempt to end it. What I am left with is... stupid little things like finding success in waking at 11:00 instead of 13:00 or 15:00, doing simple chores and eating regularly and correctly, even grooming regularly and rightly. Anything else is nearly over the top, even now. That is my life. And, yes, I do feel guilt about it. I do feel shame.

Anyway, I hope to find time in there to begin my math study. I will be looking over material which covers general problem solving methods. Yes, algebra and trig word problems are deliciously frustrating. They are what all other application maths, in my opinion, are about. Real problems, offered in a logical manner, using specific terms and phrases, describing a problem that needs to be solved using numbers and associated symbols. The English of solution more vital to understand than simple math processes. Once that is understood, then both solving and designing problems which might need to be solved becomes the next piece. Beyond the English of math allowing one to read or design a solution set it also allows simpler communication and therefore a group solving function. Which allows several minds to be together in solving a problem or the breaking up of a problem to be solved by various individuals or groups. So, that is where I will start. Plus, a bit of a review of algebra, geometry, and maybe trig would be good before jumping into calculus studies again. Someday I might even be good at math. Then again, what is "good at math"?

Later.