Things are changing.

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I am not sure what all is happening with the body, but even my mind is changing. I don't understand it, either, not fully. I don't know if this is a phase or an end result or even just the beginning. At first it was a bit unnerving. It is not quite like I am growing another appendage or spewing a foreign language or a lot smarter or more stupid, it is more like a lateral shift in mood, sentiments, and reasoning. I think it is for the better. Ah, what is happening?

For one thing I no longer feel perpetually stressed. I have always felt harried, as if I were late for something, expecting trouble (as in fight, war, etc.), pressed for time. I simply always felt tight. That is relaxing. My body can now use that stored energy to do little and big things, perhaps more as it becomes used to being a functional part of my life. I was tired yesterday after working so long and hard the day before and then the early long trip after not sleeping. But after a little rest I still could not just sit... with things everywhere around me to do. So I began straightening my room and my bathroom, going through paperwork, and piles of things. Nothing fancy, not hard work, but doing real things. Sorting paperwork and items used to be painful, confusing, and didn't get far. I suspect between hard work and sorting I will have a kempt home in much less than six months. Yes, different.

And more, I am able to remember things somewhere between a little and a lot better. I still remember my neighbor's first names, the ones I met recently. Now when I go through for a car wash when I fill up on gas, and I get the number to put into the device which accepts it which is printed on the gas receipt, I can look at the seven numbers once, right after filling, and drive over, do any wet brushing of windows and bumpers, and still remember those seven numbers without looking again. Oh, I suppose it seems trivial, but to me it is huge. I used to not have the focus, memory, or... something. And... I have some hints that this is just a minor part of what might be opening up. You have no idea how difficult engineering school was because of this. I don't think I did either, or how easy it really might be, comparatively. Engineering school, however, will never be easy.

At least these changes aren't so scary anymore. They aren't frightening at all. I gain confidence that I can utilize my abilities more and more as I see myself naturally doing what I suggested I might, in the better ways. While the blog has been hijacked by me and the medical condition lately, it will be back at some point to other things. For now, and still, the sun, moon, and universe I know boils down to me. I am at the beginning of growing up though. The hope is to become a viewing port on the rest of the world rather than a local troubled phenomenon alone of itself. Baby steps, biking, hiking, and meeting people will see me to a new place, I hope.

Oh, right. There is something else I meant to write. With the good comes a little rain. With an increase, I think, in reasoning and some... other things. I realize I have... not been as good as I could have been. My responses to things have been harsher than needed, smarmy, critical. I haven't for a lot of recent life, been able to see, in a more right or religious or something way. I sometimes could and probably still can only see things one way. And, I am both humbled and embarrassed by things I have said and written. I don't know, but perhaps in time this will improve. I remember... much. I understand, to a degree, why. Much like a wounded animal which bites even helping hands, I see that too. But it doesn't modify the shame much, most people do not know how wounded I am, or was(?). Even the doctors don't see me as sick, and they KNOW I am dying. My writing doesn't show it, if it tells it sometimes. But, this pain I feel from my life... is good too. Is there ever growth without pain?

Have a great day.