Up and at it, early.

.
.
I 'could' get a lot done today. I am not sure if I will. I slept yesterday and was able to sleep last night, so that is good. I just have to climb through the morning slumber to see where I am. I would like to finish the mowing and dishes and find out how to cool off from there. Then go in and pal around at the grocery store. How lame is that? *smile* Ah well, for today and after some various yesterdays, I'll take it. I'll be sure to wear my boots and try and help get them broken in this afternoon, whatever else I do.

My weight is stable, at a 3.4 pound gain. They wanted me to gain 3 to 4 pounds. It was uncomfortable to do, but knowing I could adjust and had access to more help, for certain, and quickly, plus a doctors appointment, all allowed me to take the risk. I sure didn't want to. I definitely still don't fully trust... anybody or anything. But they are talking to me, not just assuming I will do whatever crazy thing they say without comments, questions, doubts, and taking my capacity for change into consideration. I'm not just a medicine depository... or a child. All good. And I do feel a bit better today. Not like before, those initial weeks, but better than the last few days. Time to begin doing my part.

About pushing though. Here is the thing, and I will discuss this with them, maybe they know. I don't just "get" manic. When I push, as I long suspected, that push can get stuck into all-out forward flight. I hit some mental or physical 'gear' and I can't slow it down. My guess is when I was younger I could stay stuck in that 'gear' for days. I don't think it is, from what I have read and discussed with psychopathogens*, what mania from manic depression (aka bipolar disorder) is about or how it works. This is a personal push in some kind of 'psyche echo chamber'. So, I am going to have to watch how much I push. I honestly can't control it when it starts. But I can negotiate before it begins. I'm not sure what the cutoff is though, and with my delicate condition, I probably shouldn't hit that accelerator too often. (*my term for psychiatrists and psychologists, officially stolen from Andrew Dice Clay)

Yes, things are making sense, becoming clear, starting to take form, shape, and substance. I am, again, becoming something other than a cartoonish type character, at the very least to my own mind. I don't know how long this will last. Perhaps this is just another flash in the pan. A hope to be dashed as I either die or return to zombie-land, cartoon land, or... whatever. You can't blame me for holding out some hope that this IS the solution I have been awaiting. I am taking it slowly. A year will let me know more certainly. A finished degree in engineering will tell me I am close. Five years as an engineer and I might not even remember, save bitter-sweetly, these times? Let me worry about today though, let me stick to now and maybe tomorrow, and what is on my schedule, and short term goals. I will think the long term over again in a month... or something.

Have a good day.