Sin.

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I don't know why some things come to my mind, or why I write about this topic and not that one. All I know is sometimes some things seem to need to be written. This is one of those.

Sin has been on my mind lately. Well, sure, I have confessed to the major ones, the ones I know about or understand for what they are. And I have done that as honestly as I may. Details have been lost in time, but not what was done. I was forgiven these sins, and given a general forgiveness. And I have accepted that forgiveness, finally. But issues remain.

Chief of these issues is a concern regarding what must go with forgiveness or absolution. That is to go and sin no more, especially the same sin. I suppose I wonder, given the chance, would I commit that same sin again? If not in flesh, what about in my heart? I know the answer and I don't like it. I live with it in my heart even as I learn better to live without it in the flesh.

My lady friend was here, we slept in the same room on our trip. And I kept my hands, but not my heart, to myself. God knows. He knows all things. I did do what frustrated men do, privately of course, several times. This too is a sin. I cannot seem to fully get away from sin. You see, and this is a catch. It is required. While I have been vastly better at my choice of celibacy since the 'spring' of health upset the applecart. But that I have to try, pray, work at it, means it is still in there. And more, I would not wish to lose my interest in women. This is just one aspect of sin which bothers me. There are many topics, this one is simply one that most people understand. I think even women know this, if from their side of the conundrum.

I can't say for sure if I will eventually make it to heaven. I know what Christ suggested, I have read the bible, I try to understand what the Church says and means by it, I look to the Magisterium for guidance, I ask God to take over my life and live through me in a quarter of my prayers (the other prayers being over food or little thanks or requests for safe travel or health for myself or others). And I try to let Him come in and use me as He will.

Just saying, this has been on my mind for several weeks. No, I don't think I am dying. I merely think I am hitting something and I need to embrace it and work past it. God is so easy to work with that it is impossible at times. Faith, I suppose, is the anti-dote to doubt. Hope too. Charity must be the product of those two? I'll keep working on it. Childish as it may seem, that is where I am.