It's not a matter of will.

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I've been hoping something would happen today. I slept well, and long. I took a goodly nap. I had visitors to boost my moral. One of the neighbor ladies even brought over some Christmas cheer in the form of cookies! And yet nothing was happening. I have been able to stay awake, read bits and pieces (reading a book is much different from reading even a twenty paragraph piece if even some of those are beyond me often). Other than that nothing was happening.

I thought would play with my cats. So I got down on all fours, as close to eye level as possible. I enjoyed the goofing but they weren't in the mood. As I was getting up I nearly passed out. Just the simple effort. I then panted like a dog for five minutes. No, my body is in trouble. Something is missing, gone, temporarily lacking. I helped shovel snow the other night, and that was fine. Though I have had some trouble this week doing much. But it really is a simple biomechanical problem. I have to get over the fact that it isn't about will, always.

I hope to stay up another hour or two, get a good night of sleep, and try again tomorrow. I would like to say I understand Job. The problem is I was never a good man. I can't even say I am a good man now. I can only say I try to be. Not a nice man, not a friendly man, not an easy man, just that I try to do God's will as I understand it and as I may. So, at least I deserve this, as much as any man can. And it does bring humility, if more mechanical than otherwise. How can you be too prideful when getting up wears you out? *grins* Odd, but I would still be able to fight. God works in mysterious ways to be sure. Though I hope that is done for me. How can you hate what you love to do? That is fighting for me. I've kept all my teeth through literal scores of fights. I hope to die with all of them (save wisdom teeth which submarine duty required to be removed). Bah!

Good night.