Catch 22.

.
.
One of my mothers, a woman who raised me in that capacity for some number of years, had been extremely cleanly.  Beyond, life and her home was orderly.  Books were organized on the shelves, linens were put in their place, good items where kept in a special place.  Oh, my main mother was quite clean and such, but... she was just one, and we boys were two.  She tried.  This other mother, however, had a husband, and at the time two of us boys (one of us was not... orderly, the other was relatively organized).  This other mother, though, was amazing.  Not only her stuff, my dad's stuff, and the house stuff, but the materials stored for the various children where kept amazingly neat.

(Not screech metal, typical rock...  It's the story in the vid that... is the thing, much more than lyrics.  It tells of the dirty little secret of some sort of war between my body, mind, and flesh.  Oh... it's not That scary, mostly.)

Shortly after I left that home, as the last child if early, my father, her husband, died.  I have visited since.  She went downhill almost immediately.  First she stopped cooking, at all.  She ate out every meal every day, something she... had hated when I was younger.  Everything out of the home is fast food, to her when I was there, as far as she was concerned.  Next, she completely stopped taking care of things in her home.  One of her other sons, a doctor who lived relatively closely, decided it was bad enough that he hired a maid.  It seems even that was not enough.  He, eventually, got her to move in with him.

The catch?  Did she fail because she had no one counting on her, demanding work?  Is the demand required in order to fulfill one's purpose?  I know if my father was still alive, for as long as he lived, she would have kept up on things.  He was a task master.  And she did abide his wishes.

I guess what this leaves me asking, personally, is... how to create demand, but demand I can handle?  Without it, it is difficult to push through, often.  Unlike my mother, however, I have extreme limits.  I cannot guarantee a schedule.  Getting up and being ready from 9 to 5, then to bed by 22:00 and up by 6:00 isn't physically possible.  Alarms, even people trying to help when I have been hospitalized, simply didn't help.  Further, some days I literally can't do more than get out of bed and sit in a chair most of the day.  While that is becoming rarer, I still go through phases of that.  So, how do I create demand that doesn't crush my ego, or body?

I'm really getting better, if staying on medicines would help, perhaps.  But that is so relative.  I don't know, I just... I keep thinking about things.  It is frustrating to be so close, to try so hard, and to have it all be mostly theory, a hope for a future as I age, as the world rips itself up and collapses under much foolishness.  Is there time, can I tinker with time, can I manipulate my functions within time satisfactorily?  Catch 22 is a harsh thing.  Just one of many though it seems.  Never worry, just putting some things in order, and finding a place outside of my mind to set these notions.  Otherwise they haunt me.

Yeah, good night.