What in the world?

.
.
I am getting a bit peeved.  Every time I think I am about to emerge from hibernation something beats me on the head and down I go.  I don't ever even get a good look at what it is.  For all I know they built a highway over my foxhole and traffic is heavy.  These last few days of an extremely crushing period is probably caused by a cold front that came through, then camped about mid-state, if I had to guess.  Medicine is not helping.  And the weather, for a few days that seemed like forever, took a hard cast.  Gray.  Clouds.  Cold.

On my own there is little I can do.  Even with someone here, these times would still be a little difficult.  The thing is, with another human around, I can sometimes... bet set up for work.  When I can't think, others can for me.  When I am on it, though, instinct or something takes over and I just do, and do fairly well.  Keeping on task can be an issue, but not a serious one with a little... attention... for the longer tasks, unless I plainly know what I am doing or get into the task.  It is remembering, after a break, to get back to it.  As I said, I amazed my mother, and that was off medicines.  On medicine, at least usually, I am a rather easy 'tool', and can be handy with my own initiatives on top of being useful otherwise, if I am in agreement with the task(s) themselves or in accord on their need.  Now, when the body is down, I can work, just a little slower at times, with some assistance getting started.  Work can help bring me up for a while.  Too much, too long, too fast, too hard, and I will sneak away eventually.  Somewhere to sleep.

Right now both mind and body are a bit of an issue.  I was rather pleased to have been able to do, then keep up a bit, on the haiku contest.  No, it isn't difficult, in a way.  But it is, too, in a way.  It is demanding in the mind... and spirit?  Something.  Judging, supporting the writers, thinking and reacting, but the enjoyment is a freebie, or reimbursement?  As if the other aspects needed it.  I consider the whole thing fun, if a little draining.  The good thing about haiku this time is that I needed something to prevent a complete collapse and it provided that.  I had to check days and times over and over, just to remember what day to do what, how to slice in other posts, and such.  You have no idea how on top of my dismal game I had to stay just to get things done and time and order them well.  And yet, that is exactly what I needed, right when I needed it.  God isn't stingy that way.

I have had some ask how I can worship a God who allows my weakness, illness, near death reality.  It is actually quite simple.  My initial invitation to walk this walk came after my illness had pretty much dominated my life and for some time, and was rebuffed for some great time.  It wasn't for my illness that I decided to worship, but almost or literally in spite of it.  Actually, in looking back on it, my illness is probably why I am here, and more whole, so as even to have been given such an opportunity.  Had I continued my life 'my way' I would either be dead of flesh or dead of spirit, very possibly irrevocably.  I didn't see it then, couldn't.  No eyes to see, nor ears to hear.  There is even a chance now, that should I find my legs again, I might... be very tempted to return to my old ways.  How illness can be medicine for the spirit is just one of those things you may have to trust me regarding.  Hubris, pride, rage, and others, swept away by a humbling reality.  I like to think that if I got better these things would not again dominate though.  There is time yet to know the truth, and a possibility.

Never mind.  I am just hoping life picks up a bit.  It's not all bad, it just isn't what I need right now.  I have... so many things to do!  Hup!  Good day.